0:00:32 > 0:00:34APPLAUSE
0:00:34 > 0:00:35CHEERING
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News for You.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43I'm Patrick Stewart.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45In the news this week,
0:00:45 > 0:00:48after a Question Time election special,
0:00:48 > 0:00:50featuring Jeremy Corbyn, Theresa May,
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Tim Farron and Nicola Sturgeon,
0:00:52 > 0:00:56staff open the doors so the audience can leave.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05In New York, after tense negotiations
0:01:05 > 0:01:07take the world closer to Armageddon,
0:01:07 > 0:01:11leading figures continue discussions in the UN bar.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14MUSIC PLAYS
0:01:19 > 0:01:22And at the National Television Museum,
0:01:22 > 0:01:24visitors are becoming impatient
0:01:24 > 0:01:29with the man hogging the Pretend To Be A Newsreader exhibit.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37You see who's poking his head in the back?
0:01:37 > 0:01:39It's Corbyn.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44On Ian's team tonight is a journalist
0:01:44 > 0:01:48who once worked as a tour guide at the Playboy Mansion.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50It's a pretty straightforward job -
0:01:50 > 0:01:52"This is a bedroom.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54"This is a bedroom.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56"This is a bedroom.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58"This is a kitchen.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01"Don't mind them - they're using it as a bedroom."
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Please welcome Camilla Long.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:02:11 > 0:02:15And with Paul tonight is a TV personality and football fan
0:02:15 > 0:02:18who recently tweeted that, if Fulham won,
0:02:18 > 0:02:21he would buy all their fans a pint.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24I didn't know Chardonnay came in pints.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Please welcome Richard Osman.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:02:34 > 0:02:38And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42Ian and Camilla, take a look at this.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43Ooh, Night Of The Living Dead.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46- Really!- It really is!
0:02:47 > 0:02:49It will be, the next six weeks.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Oh, I'm so pleased they're all in charge(!)
0:02:53 > 0:02:56- Oh, dear.- And that's the public reaction.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Well, this is it, we're off. There's a general election.
0:03:00 > 0:03:01We haven't had one for two years,
0:03:01 > 0:03:03we haven't had a big vote for a year -
0:03:03 > 0:03:05we need something to pep us up.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08I'm delighted about it. I'm the only person who's happy about it.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11About five years ago, I invested in shares
0:03:11 > 0:03:13in that company that makes tiny pencils for voting booths.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Yeah, yeah. Lots of people had said "You're wasting your money,"
0:03:16 > 0:03:18at the time - they said that, didn't they? Not any more.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Look at that. Beautiful.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22I think it's sensible to call a snap election -
0:03:22 > 0:03:23- get it in before nuclear war.- Yeah.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28I think she wants to slide it in before Donald comes.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30- Because she...- I beg your pardon?!
0:03:30 > 0:03:32LAUGHTER
0:03:32 > 0:03:34APPLAUSE
0:03:34 > 0:03:38- She said she'd make an announcement at 11:15am.- Ah, yes.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40But she came out ten minutes early.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41Probably because she got sick
0:03:41 > 0:03:45of watching rolling-news reporters shitting themselves
0:03:45 > 0:03:47because they had no idea what was happening.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48Let's have a look.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Is she going to call a snap general election?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53I don't know, Vic. I wish I could tell you one way or the other.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55We really know nothing.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57They can often be resignation statements,
0:03:57 > 0:03:58they can be election statements,
0:03:58 > 0:04:00they can be personal statements.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02We do not know.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04- IN SPANISH ACCENT: - I know nothing! I know nothing!
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Let's try someone who might know something.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Patrick Kidd, parliamentary sketch-writer from the Times,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11- what's your take? - Well, I know nothing, either.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13LAUGHTER
0:04:14 > 0:04:17How has it gone down, this snap election?
0:04:17 > 0:04:21Everybody's bored to death of going to the voting booths.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23I think that's unfair.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25- Is that an exaggeration? - Yeah, I think so.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27I think there's quite a lot of excitement.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28You can feel it.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29LAUGHTER
0:04:29 > 0:04:31We're going to vote again.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Because we've got a government in power that wants to be back...
0:04:36 > 0:04:37..in power.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40So they're going to the people to say, "Give me a mandate...
0:04:40 > 0:04:42"which I have."
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Don't you think it's a bit more than that?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Don't you think she's trying to sort of...
0:04:47 > 0:04:48crush the saboteurs?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Yes, I read that headline.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54I thought I'd read the wrong election -
0:04:54 > 0:04:56I thought that was the Turkish one.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57LAUGHTER
0:04:57 > 0:04:59APPLAUSE
0:05:01 > 0:05:03What she said was that she was fed up
0:05:03 > 0:05:06with having a divided House of Commons
0:05:06 > 0:05:09in which the opposition just keep on opposing.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13In the old days, when she was a Tory backbencher
0:05:13 > 0:05:15and Labour were in power,
0:05:15 > 0:05:17she just voted Labour all the time.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21She voted for Labour about as often as Jeremy Corbyn did, didn't she,
0:05:21 > 0:05:23I think, back in those days?
0:05:23 > 0:05:27Brenda from Bristol doesn't like it, does she?
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- Brenda from Bristol?- Yeah.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32You're joking? Not another one?!
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Oh, for God's sake, I can't...
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Honestly, I can't stand this.
0:05:36 > 0:05:41There's too much politics going on at the moment.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Why does she need to do it?
0:05:44 > 0:05:46I mean, and she's in the Cabinet.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48LAUGHTER
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Before calling this surprise general election,
0:05:52 > 0:05:55how many times did Theresa May promise that she would not
0:05:55 > 0:05:59- call a surprise general election? - Five times.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01No, literally, eight. Eight...
0:06:01 > 0:06:03- RICHARD:- You should always promise you're not going to
0:06:03 > 0:06:07call a surprise general election, otherwise it wouldn't be a surprise.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10- Yep.- We have counted...
0:06:10 > 0:06:14- six times. Well, I say, "We..." - Who is "We"? The Federation?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16No....
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Here is the best example.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Under current law, the next election will be in 2020.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25No ifs, no buts, no snap elections. No changing the law.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Under you, is that absolutely certain that we're not
0:06:28 > 0:06:30going to see an election before 2020?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32I'm not going to be calling a snap election.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35I've been very clear that I think we need that period of time,
0:06:35 > 0:06:38that stability, to be able to deal with the issues that
0:06:38 > 0:06:41the country is facing and have that election in 2020.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44That's like if you want a pint at the end of the night,
0:06:44 > 0:06:46you say, "You know what, I'm going to. I'm going to go home.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49"No, I'm definitely, I'm going home after this one.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52"I've said that six times before. Oh, go on, one more."
0:06:52 > 0:06:55She's just having one more election before she goes home.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58What has Theresa May refused to do?
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Appear in televised debates with the other potential leaders,
0:07:01 > 0:07:03leaders of the opposition, of the parties.
0:07:03 > 0:07:04She doesn't want to have to appear
0:07:04 > 0:07:07with people who don't agree with her, which is fair enough.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09- But...- I mean, that would be absurd, wouldn't it?
0:07:09 > 0:07:10It would just be silly.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13She'd say something and they'd say, "I don't think that's right,"
0:07:13 > 0:07:16and it would just be offensive.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19They're going to have them anyway, with an empty chair.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Well, if more than one person doesn't turn up,
0:07:21 > 0:07:23then they'll have more than one empty chair, what if one...
0:07:23 > 0:07:26If for some reason they all have an argument,
0:07:26 > 0:07:29and none of the leaders turn up, you've got six empty chairs.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Oh, I'd love to see that. They could turn it into Antiques Roadshow.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Yeah!
0:07:33 > 0:07:35- Just value the chairs.- Yeah.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39Who is delighted at the prospect of another election?
0:07:39 > 0:07:41- Jeremy Corbyn.- Do you believe him?
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Er, probably.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46I mean, that's the point of being a leader of the opposition,
0:07:46 > 0:07:48is to fight elections, I suppose.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Well, he's happy. Tim Farron, the leader of the Lib Dems...
0:07:51 > 0:07:52That's just a point of information.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Those of you who hadn't caught up.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00They are thinking they are going to do incredibly well.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Cos people have the choice, don't they?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04They vote Mrs May...
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Corbyn, or the Liberals.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Or Ukip!
0:08:09 > 0:08:11- It's that simple?- Yes.
0:08:11 > 0:08:12I'm just doing the BBC balance here.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Or Green, or SNP or Welsh Nationalist,
0:08:15 > 0:08:18or Stark Raving Loon Party.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21According to The Daily Telegraph, when the news spread...
0:08:27 > 0:08:30And there's Labour's election slogan.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32I thought they were thinking about
0:08:32 > 0:08:35their sentences for electoral fraud last time.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41We will come to that.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43- You sound like a lawyer.- Yes.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46You're meant to be the captain of the Starship... No, no, no...
0:08:46 > 0:08:51- Not now.- Not now.- That's over. - It's gone.- Yes, I lost the election.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Can something that's in the future, ever really be over?
0:08:57 > 0:09:01No, it's like asking, "Can you ever die in science fiction
0:09:01 > 0:09:03"or superhero movies?"
0:09:03 > 0:09:04- No, of course not.- No.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08There is no death. You come back, again...
0:09:08 > 0:09:10And again...
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Are you going to come back to X-Men, is that what you're trying
0:09:13 > 0:09:14to tell us?
0:09:14 > 0:09:17I'm sorry, my client has nothing to say...
0:09:17 > 0:09:21- I tried.- Well, you did try. Maybe later...
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Can I just say, Camilla was not
0:09:26 > 0:09:29pregnant before you said that to her.
0:09:29 > 0:09:34Yes, that, you see, is the power of Charles...
0:09:34 > 0:09:37How has Jeremy Corbyn been preparing?
0:09:37 > 0:09:38Well, he's on the stump already.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41- He's out there saying, "We're going to..."- Lose.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43"..fight this on the street."
0:09:43 > 0:09:45- He did not say they were going to lose.- He did.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48But we have literally had a year of half of the Labour Party
0:09:48 > 0:09:52saying he's unelectable and the other half saying he is electable.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54And we've only got six more weeks of that cos we will find out.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58Thank goodness for that, then they can all shut up. Which would be lovely.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00You think that's how they're going to do it?
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- All shut up?- If I know the left, yeah, they'll be cool about it...
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Well, the polls are all pointing to a big Conservative majority,
0:10:09 > 0:10:13but what might prevent several Conservative MPs from standing?
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Is this the electoral fraud?
0:10:15 > 0:10:16Yes.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- They might be in jail. - They could be.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20And, technically, you're not meant to stand...
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- But they haven't been charged. - ..from prison. No, they haven't.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25So let's be very, very careful.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Do not suggest that anyone's done anything wrong.
0:10:28 > 0:10:29Although they totally did.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31LAUGHTER
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Don't look at me, I've got nothing to do with this.
0:10:34 > 0:10:35I'll come and visit you
0:10:35 > 0:10:37but I'm not having anything to do with this.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Lucky 13 Conservatives may be charged with electrical fraud...
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Electrical fraud!
0:10:42 > 0:10:44- LAUGHTER - Yes!
0:10:44 > 0:10:46APPLAUSE
0:10:48 > 0:10:50They've been fiddling the meters!
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Put in the shilling tied to a bit of string,
0:10:53 > 0:10:55and pull it out again.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58What's Joan Bakewell been saying about Theresa May?
0:10:58 > 0:11:00She's been slut-shaming her.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03She's been saying that Theresa's skirts are too short.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05- Is that slut-shaming?- Yes, it is.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09- Why?- Because if you say anybody's skirt is too short,
0:11:09 > 0:11:12the indication is that she's, you know...
0:11:12 > 0:11:14a slut, Captain.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15LAUGHTER
0:11:17 > 0:11:20In Theresa May's case, how does her sluttiness manifest itself?
0:11:20 > 0:11:24- Short skirts. - Also - calls a lot of elections.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27LAUGHTER
0:11:27 > 0:11:29APPLAUSE
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Well, the BBC's Norman Smith seemed very taken by Theresa May.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Did you see what he said?
0:11:37 > 0:11:39No.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41I'm always slightly amazed...
0:11:41 > 0:11:43physically, she's up for it.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45LAUGHTER
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Who won't be contesting the next election?
0:11:51 > 0:11:52The Chuckle Brothers?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55- They can't be separated. - I'd vote for them.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58- George Osborne.- Yes.- Jeremy Corbyn. - George Osborne.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00How did he announce this?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02He has become the new editor of the London Evening Standard,
0:12:02 > 0:12:04so he announced to his constituents in Tatton,
0:12:04 > 0:12:05which I think is not in London,
0:12:05 > 0:12:07that he was no longer going to be their MP
0:12:07 > 0:12:10but, also, he gave the news too late to the Evening Standard
0:12:10 > 0:12:12for them to print it that day.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16So his qualifications as an editor are, of course, minimal,
0:12:16 > 0:12:18or indeed his understanding of how the newspaper industry
0:12:18 > 0:12:20currently works.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22You could teach him a lot, Ian.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25- God! But he only said he's leaving for now.- For now, yeah.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Which must be great if you're one of his constituents.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31"I'm giving up this seat because it is a bit of a bore at the moment,
0:12:31 > 0:12:33"but sorry, guys, might come back later
0:12:33 > 0:12:35"when there's something better."
0:12:35 > 0:12:36He actually meant for Now Magazine.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40LAUGHTER
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Very good.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48Did you see how John Osborne said he'd like to be remembered, yesterday?
0:12:48 > 0:12:53John Osborne? For writing Look Back In Anger, I should think...
0:12:53 > 0:12:54That's absolutely right!
0:12:57 > 0:13:01Thank you, Ian. You made it sound not like a mistake.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02Which was so gallant and...
0:13:02 > 0:13:04That's me...
0:13:05 > 0:13:09George Osborne has changed his name, hasn't he?
0:13:09 > 0:13:11- So he can sign on, as well. - He said...
0:13:14 > 0:13:17He said he would like to be remembered as...
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Everyone is saying this is going to be a social media election,
0:13:25 > 0:13:30- aren't they, Paul?- Yes, they are. Are they?- Yes, they are.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32- It says so here. - I'm glad to hear it.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Have you seen how the Lib Dems are ahead of the game already?
0:13:35 > 0:13:39- No, are they going round knocking on people's doors?- No, sir.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42They're encouraging MPs to make their own
0:13:42 > 0:13:44- YouTube videos...- Oh!
0:13:44 > 0:13:48- And...- Oh, please let them make their own YouTube videos.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51- We have one right here.- This will be good, here we go...
0:13:51 > 0:13:52Oh, I could use a break.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Did I hear someone call my name?
0:13:57 > 0:14:00No, not that kind of break. Would you like to join me?
0:14:02 > 0:14:06I'm sorry but that's straight-up a porn movie.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09He's there to fix her pipework, I'm sorry.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11You've actually seen this as porn movie?
0:14:11 > 0:14:15- Yes.- What happens next?- Well, he's there to fix her pipework.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Look at her face, she's thrilled.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24Looking at Lib Dem leader Tim Farron's election hopes,
0:14:24 > 0:14:27what might be standing in his way?
0:14:27 > 0:14:29The British electorate.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- A fish finger.- A fish finger?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36An unofficial Twitter poll overwhelmingly
0:14:36 > 0:14:37agreed that voters...
0:14:43 > 0:14:47This is the news, incredibly, of something more depressing
0:14:47 > 0:14:49than the outbreak of World War III.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52The Daily Mail, as always, went to the heart of the matter
0:14:52 > 0:14:56by printing in-depth analysis
0:14:56 > 0:15:00from celebrity hairdresser Denise McAdam.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Ha! You don't need hair to be a great leader!
0:15:15 > 0:15:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:22 > 0:15:25I ask you, who defeated the Borg?
0:15:27 > 0:15:29I thought it was John McEnroe, but you may be...
0:15:34 > 0:15:37You would be a very good leader of the country, Sir Patrick,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40- if I may be so bold.- What?
0:15:40 > 0:15:42I suspect if you ran in the next election...
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- you might win.- This one?- Er... - In six weeks' time?
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Hold on... When are we going out? Tomorrow.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Either this one or the one we've just had, yeah.
0:15:54 > 0:15:55I've been asked.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57- Have you?- No.- Yeah.- Oh, really.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58By who? The Klingons?
0:16:01 > 0:16:02No, who asked you?
0:16:03 > 0:16:05- It was a member of the House of Lords.- No.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- Which one?- Which one?
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Yes, I'm not going to queer my pitch, so to speak.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14By naming names...
0:16:14 > 0:16:16- Really?- No.- So it was Mandelson.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20And in America, too. I would have to become a citizen.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24But in order to become an American citizen,
0:16:24 > 0:16:28if you have a title awarded you by a foreign country,
0:16:28 > 0:16:32you have to reject it, give it up.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35And would you not give up your sirhood?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- To become an American. - Absolutely not!
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- Right.- I only accepted it
0:16:40 > 0:16:43on the behalf of the British theatre.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55- Do you know, you should be a politician!- Thank you.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Thank you. I shall come looking for your vote.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Listen, there's too much about me on this show
0:17:00 > 0:17:02- and not enough about you. - I've got more questions.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Oh, no actor's ever said that!
0:17:05 > 0:17:08No, and now I have no idea where I was.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Look what you've done now.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15What have I done wrong now?
0:17:16 > 0:17:20- Very good.- OK, Patrick, and...
0:17:22 > 0:17:25It has been going for quite a long time.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Do you feel that too?
0:17:27 > 0:17:29I think we are on the edge of hearing the result
0:17:29 > 0:17:32of the election, so...
0:17:32 > 0:17:35- in a couple of minutes we'll be all right.- OK...
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Can I ask you, Sir Patrick -
0:17:41 > 0:17:45Captain - how are you doing the voice of Poo?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47You're in the Emoji film.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Well, um, I said...
0:17:49 > 0:17:53I said I would only be in The Emoji Movie
0:17:53 > 0:17:56if I played a role that had substance to it.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01APPLAUSE
0:18:03 > 0:18:07A character with high moral fibre.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08Exactly.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11You don't want to just be going through the motions.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Absolutely not.
0:18:12 > 0:18:17In fact, I have been preparing for this role for a lifetime.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Can you do the Poo voice for us?
0:18:19 > 0:18:20Yeah, I bet he can, yeah.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24- Please do it.- If anyone can, he can.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Do you realise how much they would demand from me if I were to do
0:18:27 > 0:18:29- the Poo voice now here?- Is that it?
0:18:31 > 0:18:34This is the Poo voice's lawyer.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Poo, Poo and Poo!
0:18:38 > 0:18:41He is, in fact, at the moment...
0:18:41 > 0:18:44A rather distinguished, rather elegant, very well-spoken...
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Englishman.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- Poo is English, but of course. - Why are we always the baddies?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- Why are we the Poo? - No, he's not a baddie.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55- He is a funster.- Yeah.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57- But I didn't say that.- No.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59- I think we should move on. - Yes, sorry.- I do...
0:19:00 > 0:19:03According to the latest odds,
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Jeremy Corbyn is now 4-1 to win...
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Strictly Come Dancing at the end of the year.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11That's a bit low, isn't it?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13What, the odds?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Strictly Come Dancing. It's a lovely show. It's delightful.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Have you done it?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22I wanted to, at the very beginning.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25And then the tone of it changed somewhat,
0:19:25 > 0:19:27and I felt that... "Nah, I could pass."
0:19:27 > 0:19:30"Yeah, I'll do Mr Poop instead," you thought.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Paul and Richard, take a look at this.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Oh, yes, Butlin's have announced their new opening.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44What is it? This guy doesn't know whether he is really popular,
0:19:44 > 0:19:45or whether people are really afraid of him.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47We're hoping that is the extent of their missiles.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50And this is the most animated he's been in some time, I think.
0:19:50 > 0:19:55And that's what happens if people don't get on.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Yeah, so this is the nuclear war that's not going to happen
0:19:58 > 0:20:01because Donald Trump, luckily, is in charge of all the negotiations,
0:20:01 > 0:20:03and his calm presence of mind will relieve everybody
0:20:03 > 0:20:07that thinks they are going to be fried and blown up at any moment.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09So, it's all absolutely fine, and everybody's lovely.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13- Yeah, I think he's a good guy.- Yeah.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19I'm always amazed that Donald Trump is the same age as my mum.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20I always find that very weird.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22The only way my mum would go to nuclear war
0:20:22 > 0:20:23is if they cancelled Eggheads.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26And apart from that, there's nothing else that would...
0:20:26 > 0:20:27Isn't that weird?
0:20:27 > 0:20:30- CAMILLA:- My mum would go to nuclear war every day of the week.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32I have to power her down the whole time.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36I'm glad you've both got that out in the open.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40Your mothers... Luckily, they're not in charge.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42- Well... Not at time of recording. - Ah.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Genuinely, I think that the prospect
0:20:46 > 0:20:49of our nuclear annihilation very soon,
0:20:49 > 0:20:52could have some benefits. Don't you think?
0:20:52 > 0:20:56I've got a wedding I don't really want to go to in August.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59And you sort of think, "Well, I might get away with it."
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Why have tensions been rising
0:21:01 > 0:21:04between North Korea and the United States recently?
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Trump was bored. He was bored of Syria,
0:21:06 > 0:21:09he was bored of his own country,
0:21:09 > 0:21:12he was bored of people with competent haircuts.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16And he just thought the fat kid over the sea
0:21:16 > 0:21:21will be the next one in line, the one with the shit missiles.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23We're going to go for it.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25- RICHARD:- Stop slut-shaming Kim Jong-un.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29And this is mutually assured lunacy.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32It's a new international policy.
0:21:32 > 0:21:37The Koreans have to believe that Trump is mad enough
0:21:37 > 0:21:38to launch a missile strike.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40And he is.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44So...they now both are more wary.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46I'm just being hopeful.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Who did Donald Trump meet recently
0:21:49 > 0:21:52that he's hoping will rein in North Korea's threatening behaviour?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Was it me?
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Let's have a look.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Oh, I'm sorry, that's the wrong picture.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04President Xi.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08Yes. He was invited to meet President Trump at Mar-a-Lago.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11A private club owned by Donald Trump. Where, from an
0:22:11 > 0:22:14excellent range of desserts on offer, he revealed
0:22:14 > 0:22:16that the Chinese president enjoyed...
0:22:16 > 0:22:18The chocolate cake.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24- Yeah, Trump went on and on about it. - Yes.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27During his meeting, what news did President Trump impart?
0:22:27 > 0:22:29That he'd attacked Syria.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Let's have a look.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32So what happens is I said,
0:22:32 > 0:22:37"We've just launched 59 missiles heading to Iraq."
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Heading to Syria?
0:22:39 > 0:22:40Yes, heading toward Syria.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42LAUGHTER
0:22:45 > 0:22:49I'm really glad someone actually corrected him.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52On a lighter note, President Trump and the First Lady
0:22:52 > 0:22:56hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll on Monday.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Here's a picture of the launch.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02"The president of the United States,
0:23:02 > 0:23:03"left..."
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Why is this rabbit wearing glasses?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16I'm not suggesting he shouldn't be wearing glasses,
0:23:16 > 0:23:18but I thought rabbits had good eyesight.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21He must be able to see North Korea from where he's standing.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24How many carrots does HE eat?
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Sorry, I'm looking at the wrong one.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Which one's the rabbit again?
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Now, given that he was speaking
0:23:32 > 0:23:35to an excited group of young children
0:23:35 > 0:23:38eagerly awaiting to chase after coloured wooden eggs,
0:23:38 > 0:23:42what did Donald Trump say to get the Easter Egg Roll under way?
0:23:42 > 0:23:44"Nuke 'em!"
0:23:45 > 0:23:47We can hear what he said...
0:23:47 > 0:23:49- Oh, can we? Oh, good. - Go for it.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Let's see Trump launching the fun-filled kiddies' event.
0:23:52 > 0:23:57This is the 139th Easter Egg Roll.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Think of it, 139.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04It began a long time ago, 1878,
0:24:04 > 0:24:09and we will be stronger and bigger and better as a nation
0:24:09 > 0:24:13than ever before. We're right on track.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16You see what's happening, and we are right on track.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18What? Can I...? Why did he...?
0:24:20 > 0:24:23I mean, he's got this hand thing going on the whole time.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Has anybody who signs for the deaf interpreted
0:24:25 > 0:24:27what the hand's actually saying?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29The hand might be saying something,
0:24:29 > 0:24:32"Don't listen to him, he's an idiot, listen to me."
0:24:32 > 0:24:34What's all this stuff that's going on, what's the matter with him?
0:24:34 > 0:24:36- What if it's, "Help"? - Help.- "I'm trapped."
0:24:36 > 0:24:39"I'm trapped inside his body.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41"I'm a 20-year-old woman from Wisconsin."
0:24:43 > 0:24:47This takes something of a personal turn right now,
0:24:47 > 0:24:50because I have to ask you, what do I have in common
0:24:50 > 0:24:53with Donald Trump's adviser, Kellyanne Conway?
0:24:53 > 0:24:55- Aah...- Oh... Erm...
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Shall I tell you?
0:24:57 > 0:25:01By sheer coincidence, if I dress as a woman...
0:25:01 > 0:25:02we look identical.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09APPLAUSE
0:25:09 > 0:25:13Now you're going to have to help us, which one is which?
0:25:13 > 0:25:16- RICHARD:- You've got a touch of the Mary Berrys about you, as well.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18I think that you should see a doctor.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22How are you finding the power of the costume
0:25:22 > 0:25:23and the make-up and everything?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Did it...? How did it change you? Did it change you?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- Yes. I was different.- Mmm.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30I was not fully a man any more.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35The one area in which I was most a man were the high heels.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Have you ever worn high heels?
0:25:37 > 0:25:38- Briefly.- What do you think?
0:25:42 > 0:25:47Meanwhile, South Korea's impeached President Park Geun-hye
0:25:47 > 0:25:50faces a criminal trial, and according to the Telegraph...
0:25:53 > 0:25:59Which, given the regional tensions, could be anything up to six months.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02So, at the end of that round...
0:26:02 > 0:26:03Two points each, congratulations.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18And so to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.
0:26:18 > 0:26:23But, in a nod to my role as Professor Charles Xavier,
0:26:23 > 0:26:25leader of the X-Men,
0:26:25 > 0:26:29I will be spinning the pictures with my mind.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30Oooh!
0:26:30 > 0:26:33I just need to enhance my powers a little.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42OK, we can begin.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Is this something you do in your free time?
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Only in the bathroom.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54I hope people are tuning in right at this moment.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56He's got a shower unit on his head.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02Fingers on buzzers, teams, as I apply my mind.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05ELECTRICAL WHIRRING
0:27:10 > 0:27:11BUZZER
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Well, I mean, I'm just judging it
0:27:13 > 0:27:15entirely on what I see on the photograph.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Is there a place called Failure that wants to change its name?
0:27:18 > 0:27:23This is the news that a Museum of Failure in Sweden
0:27:23 > 0:27:27has rather disappointingly been a moderate success,
0:27:27 > 0:27:30and moved to permanent premises.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34American failure enthusiast Dr Samuel West
0:27:34 > 0:27:37has assembled 50 failed products in his exhibition,
0:27:37 > 0:27:39to celebrate making mistakes.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43What might women find of interest at the Museum of Failure?
0:27:46 > 0:27:50It's Bic's controversial range of pens.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54- Oh, yes, yes.- For Her. CAMILLA:- The Lady BICs.
0:27:54 > 0:27:55One reviewer wrote...
0:28:15 > 0:28:21Fingers on buzzers, teams, as I focus my mind once more.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24WHIRRING
0:28:28 > 0:28:32This is George Osborne and Theresa May...
0:28:32 > 0:28:34having a massive row and that's Philip Hammond behind,
0:28:34 > 0:28:37wondering what's happened to his trousers.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39- What are we meant to be looking at? - Look at the action,
0:28:39 > 0:28:41look at what the feet are doing.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43He's trying to kick her in the shins.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46Exactly, this is the news that the Cotswolds' 400-year-old
0:28:46 > 0:28:49shin-kicking competition has been cancelled.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52Event chairman Graham Greenall explained the event has
0:28:52 > 0:28:54suffered from...
0:28:58 > 0:29:02And who doesn't remember those heady days, eh?
0:29:02 > 0:29:05That's how Kim Jong-un and Donald Trump should settle it.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08- Nice shin-kicking...- With a shin-kicking competition.
0:29:08 > 0:29:11In fact, Shin Kicking is the North Korean Foreign Minister, I think.
0:29:13 > 0:29:16How are competitors allowed to protect themselves during
0:29:16 > 0:29:20- a bout of shin-kicking? - They stay at home.
0:29:20 > 0:29:22Well, according to The Sun...
0:29:22 > 0:29:24Before attacking each other...
0:29:29 > 0:29:33Which means, at the end of this round, it is...
0:29:33 > 0:29:37three to Paul and Richard and two to Ian and Camilla.
0:29:46 > 0:29:49And now...before the Odd One Out Round,
0:29:49 > 0:29:52- some music...- What?!
0:29:53 > 0:29:57Lives and Times Records and Tapes proudly present's Sir...
0:29:59 > 0:30:00# Keep rollin', rollin', rollin'
0:30:00 > 0:30:03# Though the streams are swollen
0:30:03 > 0:30:07# Keep them doggies rollin' Rawhide
0:30:07 > 0:30:09# Through rain and wind and weather
0:30:09 > 0:30:11# Hell-bent for leather
0:30:11 > 0:30:15# Wishing my gal was by my side
0:30:15 > 0:30:17# Cut 'em out Ride 'em in
0:30:17 > 0:30:19# Ride 'em in Cut 'em out
0:30:19 > 0:30:23# Ride 'em in Rawhide. #
0:30:23 > 0:30:25CHEERING
0:30:33 > 0:30:36Did everyone else see that, or have you still got your telepathy
0:30:36 > 0:30:37machine on?
0:30:37 > 0:30:39Oh, did you see it?
0:30:39 > 0:30:43- That was for private consumption. - I thought it was terrific.
0:30:43 > 0:30:44What was that about?
0:30:45 > 0:30:49- Was it your idea?- No, it was my wife's. My wife is a singer,
0:30:49 > 0:30:51it was her musical director's idea when he heard me
0:30:51 > 0:30:54singing a Frankie Laine song in the back of the car one day.
0:30:54 > 0:30:56And said, "How do you know that song?"
0:30:56 > 0:30:58And I said, "I know all the cowboy songs."
0:30:58 > 0:31:01So, he said, "Right, we'll cut an album and there we are.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03Cut an album?!
0:31:03 > 0:31:05- Oh, yes.- There's an album of this? - Blimey.
0:31:05 > 0:31:08- There's more of this?!- Yes.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10- Time for the Odd One Out Round.- Yay!
0:31:10 > 0:31:12Your four are...
0:31:12 > 0:31:15BBC weatherman Tomasz Schafernaker,
0:31:15 > 0:31:17Sisyphus,
0:31:17 > 0:31:20participants of the reality show Eden,
0:31:20 > 0:31:23and Wheel Of Fortune contestant Kevin Haas.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26Eden, Eden... What do you know about Eden?
0:31:26 > 0:31:28- RICHARD:- Eden - that's the story you always want to happen,
0:31:28 > 0:31:29unless you're on it.
0:31:29 > 0:31:32It's a TV show, and Channel 4 made it, and they said...
0:31:32 > 0:31:34They got a group of people, 20 people and said,
0:31:34 > 0:31:36"We're going to maroon you on a Scottish island for a year.
0:31:36 > 0:31:38"We're going to film it, we're going to put it out,
0:31:38 > 0:31:40"and it will be the big new reality show".
0:31:40 > 0:31:41They put them on the island,
0:31:41 > 0:31:43and they put the first three episodes out,
0:31:43 > 0:31:46and no-one watched them at all, so they cancelled the show,
0:31:46 > 0:31:48but they did think it would make a good documentary
0:31:48 > 0:31:51at the end of the year, so we'll leave them there...
0:31:51 > 0:31:53So they've been there for the whole year,
0:31:53 > 0:31:55they think they've been on TV all year,
0:31:55 > 0:31:57and they're about to get a nasty surprise.
0:31:59 > 0:32:01So, Tomasz Schafernaker, I think he recently said something,
0:32:01 > 0:32:03as is indicated by the hand over his mouth,
0:32:03 > 0:32:06he said something on air that he shouldn't have done.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08Maybe he didn't know he was on air.
0:32:08 > 0:32:10The people from Eden, they think they're on television,
0:32:10 > 0:32:14but they're not. So that seems to be the sort of thread going forward...
0:32:14 > 0:32:16Patrick, is that the right kind of area?
0:32:16 > 0:32:18Yes, you're in the right area.
0:32:18 > 0:32:21Sisyphus, of course, famously always thought he was on television,
0:32:21 > 0:32:24and wasn't.
0:32:24 > 0:32:27And everyone was like, "Dude, it hasn't even been invented yet".
0:32:27 > 0:32:30And he was like, "I've got enough problems with this rock, you know?"
0:32:30 > 0:32:32He thought he was appearing on a reality show
0:32:32 > 0:32:33called One Man And His Rock.
0:32:33 > 0:32:36It's all about whether you think you've been on TV or not.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39They're all endlessly doing repetitive tasks for no reason.
0:32:39 > 0:32:42So, they have all failed to complete a task,
0:32:42 > 0:32:46apart from the participants of reality show Eden,
0:32:46 > 0:32:49who successfully lived for an entire year in the wilderness,
0:32:49 > 0:32:50only to discover when they emerged,
0:32:50 > 0:32:53the show had been axed seven months earlier.
0:32:53 > 0:32:56What was the idea behind the show, Eden?
0:32:56 > 0:33:00Could people survive without appearing on TV?
0:33:00 > 0:33:01It was a social experiment
0:33:01 > 0:33:04to find out what happened when a group of people were cut off
0:33:04 > 0:33:08from civilisation and made to live in Scotland for a year.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11But also, they came out, and they didn't know about Brexit,
0:33:11 > 0:33:13they didn't know about Donald Trump, all that stuff...
0:33:13 > 0:33:16- Sounds like paradise, doesn't it? - Yes!
0:33:16 > 0:33:18Are there any vacancies?
0:33:18 > 0:33:20In the US version of Wheel Of Fortune,
0:33:20 > 0:33:24Kevin Haas failed to complete the title
0:33:24 > 0:33:28of Tennessee Williams' play, A Streetcar Named Desire.
0:33:28 > 0:33:31Let's see how many letters were still missing from the title.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33Oh.
0:33:33 > 0:33:35- Oh, no!- Oh!
0:33:36 > 0:33:38Just the one.
0:33:38 > 0:33:40He went for K, I think.
0:33:40 > 0:33:42He did go for K, yes!
0:33:42 > 0:33:45A Streetcar Naked Desire...
0:33:47 > 0:33:49Look at the exhaust on that!
0:33:49 > 0:33:52Well, Tomasz Schafernaker, BBC weatherman,
0:33:52 > 0:33:55failed to complete Radio 4's early morning shipping forecast
0:33:55 > 0:33:59after what he described as...
0:34:01 > 0:34:04- Oh.- And what others described as...
0:34:06 > 0:34:08Oh!
0:34:08 > 0:34:10Tomasz Schafernaker threw up
0:34:10 > 0:34:15while announcing the shipping forecast on Radio 4.
0:34:15 > 0:34:16Let's have a listen.
0:34:17 > 0:34:20...murchan Point, southerly or south...
0:34:20 > 0:34:23easterly four or five...
0:34:23 > 0:34:24GULPING
0:34:24 > 0:34:26..increasing six at times, fair, good.
0:34:27 > 0:34:29Ardnamurchan Point to Cape Wrath,
0:34:29 > 0:34:33southerly or southerly four or five...
0:34:33 > 0:34:34Excuse me...
0:34:36 > 0:34:38I do apologise.
0:34:38 > 0:34:43Tomasz Schafernaker there, feeling rough, very rough.
0:34:43 > 0:34:47Humber rising rapidly, gale force, imminent, good.
0:34:49 > 0:34:51He also gave a gale warning,
0:34:51 > 0:34:55but Gail moved too slowly and got it all...
0:35:00 > 0:35:03Which means, at the end of this round, it's...
0:35:03 > 0:35:07three to Paul and Richard, and still two to Ian and Camilla.
0:35:16 > 0:35:19So, time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:35:19 > 0:35:23which this week features as its guest publication,
0:35:23 > 0:35:26the Journal of the National Hamster Council.
0:35:26 > 0:35:28Wow.
0:35:28 > 0:35:30When you've finished with it, just put it in a shoebox
0:35:30 > 0:35:33and bury it at the bottom of the garden.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35We start with...
0:35:41 > 0:35:44Demands Tesco reimburse her
0:35:44 > 0:35:47after exploding apple crumble renders her sterile.
0:35:50 > 0:35:52- You are so close to the truth. - Oh, really?!
0:35:52 > 0:35:54In fact...
0:35:54 > 0:35:55she demanded that Tesco...
0:36:01 > 0:36:05After the prune juice exploded violently in her kitchen,
0:36:05 > 0:36:08the gran has heard nothing from Tesco,
0:36:08 > 0:36:10but she's had one keen inquiry
0:36:10 > 0:36:13from the North Korean Missile Development Agency.
0:36:14 > 0:36:16And next...
0:36:20 > 0:36:24Oh... Is Boris Johnson's stylist.
0:36:24 > 0:36:27- Is given a pep talk by a sloth. - Yeah.
0:36:27 > 0:36:29- "Come on, come on." - "Buck your ideas up."
0:36:29 > 0:36:31"Get with the programme, come on."
0:36:31 > 0:36:34- The laziest creature... - "Things to do, places to be..."
0:36:34 > 0:36:37- The laziest creature on Earth... - "Money, money, money..."
0:36:37 > 0:36:38Sorry, go on...
0:36:41 > 0:36:44This is the discovery of the elusive
0:36:44 > 0:36:48giant shipworm, that is shipworm,
0:36:48 > 0:36:52in the Philippines. Here is the underwater creature.
0:36:52 > 0:36:54ALL GROAN
0:36:54 > 0:36:56- Oh, my God. - CAMILLA:- Oh, I don't like it.
0:36:56 > 0:36:57I'm not sure that Disney or Pixar
0:36:57 > 0:36:59- are going to try finding that.- No.
0:36:59 > 0:37:03- CAMILLA:- Can we go to the next round? It's really disgusting.
0:37:03 > 0:37:06- RICHARD:- You know what, Sir Patrick,
0:37:06 > 0:37:08you will be voicing that within six months.
0:37:08 > 0:37:11Then, that's all I care about.
0:37:11 > 0:37:12Next, what...
0:37:17 > 0:37:19Loch Ness Monster.
0:37:19 > 0:37:20- RICHARD:- Hope.
0:37:21 > 0:37:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:37:28 > 0:37:32It WAS the Loch Ness Monster. If you believe this story,
0:37:32 > 0:37:35you really should take a long, hard look in the Mirror,
0:37:35 > 0:37:40as they're the only paper that bothered to cover it.
0:37:40 > 0:37:42Next...
0:37:49 > 0:37:51- CAMILLA:- The Labour Party.
0:37:51 > 0:37:55A lasting, caring relationship.
0:37:55 > 0:37:57The Dutch breeder failed to create...
0:38:02 > 0:38:03A Russian what?
0:38:03 > 0:38:06It must be a hamster, mustn't it?
0:38:06 > 0:38:08Oh, yes, it is, a Russian dwarf hamster.
0:38:08 > 0:38:09- RICHARD:- Russian or Syrian hamsters.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12- Are they really?- They are.
0:38:12 > 0:38:13You can tell if you've got a Russian one
0:38:13 > 0:38:16because it annexes the rabbit hutch next door.
0:38:17 > 0:38:19APPLAUSE
0:38:21 > 0:38:23Next...
0:38:23 > 0:38:26- Take one French hamster...- French?!
0:38:26 > 0:38:28LAUGHTER
0:38:32 > 0:38:35I'm afraid the French one's been eaten by the Russian one.
0:38:35 > 0:38:36Which one would you prefer?
0:38:36 > 0:38:38- We'll go for fresh, shall we, fresh?- OK.
0:38:38 > 0:38:40Recipe...
0:38:42 > 0:38:44Take one fresh hamster, team it up with another fresh hamster,
0:38:44 > 0:38:46and you've got yourself a hamster rap duo.
0:38:46 > 0:38:48Yeah.
0:38:48 > 0:38:53Recipe, take one fresh hamster, add a lifetime of care.
0:38:53 > 0:38:55That's nice.
0:38:55 > 0:38:58But for hamsters, that might be three weeks.
0:38:58 > 0:38:59Next...
0:38:59 > 0:39:03Zombies, flashers and hamsters... what?
0:39:03 > 0:39:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:39:13 > 0:39:14Should have gone to Specsavers!
0:39:17 > 0:39:20Zombies, flashers and hipsters... what?
0:39:20 > 0:39:24- CAMILLA:- Unite for an amazing... For a dance-off.
0:39:24 > 0:39:26The Liberal Democrats have a home for you.
0:39:35 > 0:39:37And finally...
0:39:40 > 0:39:43- RICHARD:- Is it voted worst boyband ever?- Yes.
0:39:47 > 0:39:48They've been discovered in a tomb.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51The dirty devils, what have they been doing?
0:39:53 > 0:39:56Well, a tomb is rather a classy way of describing it.
0:39:56 > 0:39:58They were found buried in a basement.
0:39:58 > 0:40:01- CAMILLA:- When were they from, like, the '80s or something?
0:40:01 > 0:40:04- I think they'd been put in there...- The '80s?!
0:40:04 > 0:40:07Yeah, do you remember all those archbishops in the '80s?
0:40:07 > 0:40:10There were loads of them - we had one a year!
0:40:10 > 0:40:12Wasn't there a competition in The Daily Telegraph -
0:40:12 > 0:40:15solve our crossword and become the Archbishop of Canterbury for a year?
0:40:15 > 0:40:17I entered it every week!
0:40:17 > 0:40:20And the final scores...
0:40:20 > 0:40:21Ah, at last!
0:40:21 > 0:40:22We are there!
0:40:22 > 0:40:25Three to Ian and Camilla.
0:40:25 > 0:40:27Four to Paul and Richard.
0:40:27 > 0:40:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:40:32 > 0:40:35And on which note,
0:40:35 > 0:40:38we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Camilla Long,
0:40:38 > 0:40:40Paul Merton and Richard Osman,
0:40:40 > 0:40:43and I leave you with news that, in the Vatican,
0:40:43 > 0:40:46after giving up on his attempts at achieving world peace,
0:40:46 > 0:40:50the Pope admits he now has too much spare time on his hands.
0:40:53 > 0:40:57At Michigan Airport, as the plane climbs above the central tower,
0:40:57 > 0:40:59United Airlines staff realise
0:40:59 > 0:41:02they've overbooked the flight by one.
0:41:06 > 0:41:09And as he takes a picture of the common butterfly,
0:41:09 > 0:41:13there's evidence that the Wildlife Photographer Of The Year
0:41:13 > 0:41:15may be losing his touch.
0:41:20 > 0:41:22And on that, goodnight, and thank you!
0:41:22 > 0:41:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE