0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42I'm Alexander Armstrong.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46In the news this week - after his team of Polish workmen is forced to
0:00:46 > 0:00:49leave the UK, Nigel Farage employs a British builder to continue
0:00:49 > 0:00:51the renovation of his second home.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58LAUGHTER
0:00:58 > 0:01:02As his United Airlines flight takes off without him, a doctor is further
0:01:02 > 0:01:06enraged when he sees who he had to give his seat up for.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11LAUGHTER
0:01:11 > 0:01:14And after a £400 million dip in his personal fortune,
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Sir Philip Green launches a new high-street venture
0:01:17 > 0:01:19to recoup his losses.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:01:21 > 0:01:23LAUGHTER
0:01:30 > 0:01:33On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who says one tip for when
0:01:33 > 0:01:36a joke falls flat is to pretend it wasn't a joke.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Which brings this straightforward paragraph to an end.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Please welcome Sara Pascoe.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:46 > 0:01:49And with Paul tonight, a comedian whose first novel is about
0:01:49 > 0:01:52a national treasure who descends into disgrace and depravity.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Please welcome current national treasure, Andy Hamilton.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:01 > 0:02:04And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Ian and Sara, take a look at this.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10- SARA:- That's the polite way to meet your Tinder date.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13This is a themed restaurant. They've thrown all the food around,
0:02:13 > 0:02:16so it costs a lot of money. And he's seen the bill.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17And he's had a fit.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21This is Mrs May's dinner with President Juncker.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25It all went horribly wrong. They argued. It went badly and then
0:02:25 > 0:02:28he leaked it all to a German newspaper and said
0:02:28 > 0:02:31it had been a disastrous meeting, she was in another galaxy.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35- SLURRING: - And he's never liked her anyway.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37We've all had that thing, "Come round, we're talk about work.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39"I'll cook you something to eat."
0:02:39 > 0:02:41He went round her house, they didn't do any work, did they?
0:02:41 > 0:02:44So, have a glass of wine and then chat, chat, chat.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46"Who do you think should win season nine of RuPaul?"
0:02:46 > 0:02:49And then, "Shit, we were supposed to talk about that Brexit!
0:02:49 > 0:02:52"OK, I'll just leak that you were a bitch.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54"We'll talk about it again in a month."
0:02:54 > 0:02:59That's the age-old maxim, isn't it? If in doubt, attack strangers.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01LAUGHTER
0:03:01 > 0:03:04And they're foreigners, lots of different nationalities,
0:03:04 > 0:03:05so it doesn't look racist.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07LAUGHTER
0:03:07 > 0:03:09So it turns out leaving the EU
0:03:09 > 0:03:11is actually going to be quite complicated after all.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- Does it mean war?- Yes. That's what she said, wasn't it?
0:03:14 > 0:03:18- Yeah, it's war now.- Yeah. - We're moving quickly, aren't we?
0:03:18 > 0:03:22- We've declared war against the rest of Europe.- We're being threatened.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26You go into a negotiation in which Mr Juncker's position is,
0:03:26 > 0:03:28"This cannot be a success."
0:03:28 > 0:03:31He's a difficult piece of work, Mr Juncker.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- You don't like him, do you? - I don't, really.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I mean, a lot of people tried to stop him becoming president,
0:03:36 > 0:03:39because he'd run Luxembourg, which is an enormous, sort of,
0:03:39 > 0:03:42tax haven and money-laundering outfit,
0:03:42 > 0:03:45which he ran for a number of years and did nothing about it.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48So he's not a great guy.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51- What has been Theresa May's comeback been?- She's gone quite nuclear.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54- Initially...- Let's fight everybody. - Yeah, initially she said,
0:03:54 > 0:03:56"Oh, it's just Brussels gossip.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58"It's just tittle-tattle, I don't worry about that."
0:03:58 > 0:04:00But then she came out and sort of said,
0:04:00 > 0:04:02"Let's attack the Death Star..."
0:04:02 > 0:04:04- LAUGHTER - "..from 10 Downing Street."
0:04:04 > 0:04:07It's odd because that's a ruse
0:04:07 > 0:04:11that is usually used by politicians when the polls are close.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15I don't know quite why she's doing it now,
0:04:15 > 0:04:19given that she's so far ahead in the polls at the moment.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21I can't envisage any circumstances in which she could lose,
0:04:21 > 0:04:24unless something extraordinary happens.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Like, I don't know, photos emerge of her digging up
0:04:26 > 0:04:29the Queen Mother for a laugh or something.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33LAUGHTER
0:04:33 > 0:04:37Do you know what? Even then, she would probably beat Corbyn anyway.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41So...we've got five weeks of this.
0:04:41 > 0:04:46- Yeah.- And she's gone in...- How many graves has she robbed in that time?
0:04:46 > 0:04:47We must be told.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50I'm sure that we're going to get a lot of briefing that says,
0:04:50 > 0:04:53"Oh, Theresa May, you know, she was really tough with them,"
0:04:53 > 0:04:56there will be lots of leaks of people saying,
0:04:56 > 0:05:00"She pushed Barnier against the wall and said, 'You're a big man,
0:05:00 > 0:05:02"'but you're out of condition.'"
0:05:02 > 0:05:05She waved the Queen Mother's hat in our face.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07LAUGHTER
0:05:07 > 0:05:09"There's plenty more where this comes from."
0:05:09 > 0:05:11What was President Hollande's
0:05:11 > 0:05:13reaction to the tough stance by the EU?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- President Hollande?- He said...
0:05:18 > 0:05:23Sometimes you need a bit of help, though, don't you?
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Who would have thought that saying "Fuck you" to the rest of Europe
0:05:26 > 0:05:28- would have such complications? - Mm.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Theresa May used to be known as The Submarine.
0:05:31 > 0:05:32Do we know why that was?
0:05:32 > 0:05:35What do you mean, "She used to be known as The Submarine"?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38- That was her nickname. - Where?- Was this at school?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- Because you never saw her.- Stealth.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43She was never visible,
0:05:43 > 0:05:46but underneath the surface, she was up to stuff.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47In the Thames?
0:05:47 > 0:05:49LAUGHTER
0:05:49 > 0:05:51What is she doing down there?!
0:05:51 > 0:05:55She would only surface to make considered public statements.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57- That's what submarines do. - That is... Yeah.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00"I'm drowning," and then back down again.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Theresa May warned her EU adversaries
0:06:02 > 0:06:05that they would find out that she was...
0:06:05 > 0:06:09Or as the French would say, a woman.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12This is very similar...
0:06:12 > 0:06:16I bought a house with a guy and then broke up with him.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18- Oh, I'm sorry.- No, it's all right. - I'm not really.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20LAUGHTER
0:06:20 > 0:06:24Now's your chance, Ian - move in, now!
0:06:24 > 0:06:27But the roof on that house needs fixing and I have to pay for it
0:06:27 > 0:06:30cos when you buy a house, even if you've left it,
0:06:30 > 0:06:32you're still legally responsible.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34It's very similar to this EU situation.
0:06:34 > 0:06:39- Have you leaked stuff about him? - This is it! This is me leaking!
0:06:39 > 0:06:44What, once we have left the EU, might we see once again
0:06:44 > 0:06:45on our dinner tables?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Very little.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49LAUGHTER
0:06:49 > 0:06:51It is knobbly vegetables.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- Knobbly ones? - Knobbly vegetables, like this!
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Oh-ho! LAUGHTER
0:06:59 > 0:07:03- Can we just see the first one again? - Yes, the carrot.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06That was in that film, Arrival.
0:07:06 > 0:07:11Oh, yeah! I thought you were talking about Michael Fassbender.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13But you mean Arrival. That's such a good film.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16- It's a good film, isn't it? - Can I have a look at the tomato?
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- Because that's the only one that bothered to have pubic hair.- Yeah.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21There we are.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Making an effort!
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Weren't all those vegetables on That's Life 30 years ago?
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- They used to have... - Two of them presented it.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Yes, this is the Downing Street dinner party,
0:07:32 > 0:07:35which turned nasty as soon as they started discussing Brexit.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37So, just like any other dinner party.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40According to the Times, the atmosphere at the dinner changed
0:07:40 > 0:07:41when Theresa May referred to...
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Yeah, that's when I know my wife's had too much!
0:07:50 > 0:07:52During the dinner, Theresa May suggested
0:07:52 > 0:07:54that citizens' rights in Europe...
0:07:55 > 0:08:00The end of June?! You couldn't leave TalkTalk by the end of June!
0:08:00 > 0:08:02According to the Financial Times...
0:08:07 > 0:08:11Which is one Euro for every man, woman and child in the UK,
0:08:11 > 0:08:13according to Diane Abbott.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15LAUGHTER
0:08:15 > 0:08:19OK, Paul and Andy, take a look at this.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23- ANDY:- "Carry the four, divide by seven..."
0:08:23 > 0:08:25"This is for me, is it?"
0:08:25 > 0:08:26She's getting in the car, that's nice.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29There's Tim. There's another battle bus, we've seen plenty of those.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31"One of us isn't breathing!"
0:08:31 > 0:08:33LAUGHTER
0:08:33 > 0:08:35So, yes, it's the party leaders have been
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- getting up to various bits and pieces, haven't they?- That's right.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- There's an election on.- They're all out to persuade people to vote.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43- And Diane had a problem. - Oh, yes, she did.- Yeah.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47- What's she gone and done?- Well, they had an idea they thought would work,
0:08:47 > 0:08:50which is having 10,000 more police. This is the Labour Party.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Normally that's what the Tories say. This time, Labour thought
0:08:53 > 0:08:56they'd try it, but unfortunately, they got Diane out.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58- Yes.- She got the numbers wrong. She gave an amount
0:08:58 > 0:09:02which would mean they were paying £30 per year per policeman.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03Yes.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Quite cheap coppers, not even those ones that are semi-coppers,
0:09:06 > 0:09:09that go round parks telling you to be quiet.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11- Semi-coppers. - Are they on zero-hours contract?
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Yeah, zero-hours contract. Voluntary. Buy your own uniform.
0:09:14 > 0:09:1630 quid.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18I may sign up.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- "Is that dog wasting?" - LAUGHTER
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Wasting?!
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Where is this park, 1820?
0:09:26 > 0:09:29LAUGHTER
0:09:29 > 0:09:33It's a real shame. Because you do want there to be an opposition.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Lots of people have been very badly affected by cuts in this country
0:09:36 > 0:09:38and you just want them to have their figures right.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40- It's really disappointing. - She was asked,
0:09:40 > 0:09:4410,000 police, how much will that cost? She said £300,000.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46So that's £30 a year for a copper.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48So they said, "Is that right?"
0:09:48 > 0:09:50She said, "No. I didn't mean £300,000,
0:09:50 > 0:09:52"I meant 80 million."
0:09:52 > 0:09:54LAUGHTER
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Let's have a look.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59We believe it will be about £300,000.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02- £300,000?- Sorry. - 10,000 police officers?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04What are you paying them?
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- No, I mean... Sorry... - How much will they cost?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11They will cost...
0:10:12 > 0:10:16They will... It will cost...
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Erm, about...
0:10:20 > 0:10:22About £80 million.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24The additional costs in year one,
0:10:24 > 0:10:31when we anticipate recruiting 250,000 policemen,
0:10:31 > 0:10:33will be 64.3 million.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37- 250,000 policeMEN? - And women.
0:10:39 > 0:10:44She hasn't grasped modern politics at all, Diane Abbott.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47No, I think it's mathematics she hasn't got!
0:10:47 > 0:10:50If you've got figures that are complete bollocks
0:10:50 > 0:10:51and you don't know what you're talking about,
0:10:51 > 0:10:54you don't trot them out on a radio show -
0:10:54 > 0:10:57you slap them on the side of a bus and you drive them around!
0:10:57 > 0:10:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:02 > 0:11:05So how is Labour hoping to pay for these extra police officers?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08This is Capital Gains Tax. They're going to reverse the cut.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11It's a reasonable thing to ask, "How are you going to pay for it?"
0:11:11 > 0:11:14But first, you have to have a figure that isn't silly.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Usually the politicians just say "savings", don't they?
0:11:17 > 0:11:19- Efficiency.- Yeah, yeah.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21The real answer is we'll put taxes up.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Which they will. All of them.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26But can't they just put the taxes up for the bad boys,
0:11:26 > 0:11:27- like Amazon and Uber? - Doesn't make enough.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31- Not enough?- No, it's gotta be everyone. All of you.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- None of these people work. - I mean myself!
0:11:34 > 0:11:36They've come here for the free telly!
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Look at them, they don't have jobs.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43OK, due impartiality...
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Due impartiality, let's move on to the Conservatives.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Actually, no, hang on. Labour have brought out a leaflet
0:11:50 > 0:11:51in Maidstone Rural South.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54One of its pledges is a little bit unusual.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- Does anyone know what it is? - Vote Tory.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59It's a pledge.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- It is a pledge... - A pledge to...bring back...
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Charles Dickens.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Yeah. I'd vote for that.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09We know where he is.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Labour pledges to prevent...
0:12:13 > 0:12:15AUDIENCE GROANS
0:12:19 > 0:12:20LAUGHTER
0:12:20 > 0:12:23How has Theresa May responded to criticism
0:12:23 > 0:12:25that she just robotically repeats the same lines?
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Oh, is this when she was repeating
0:12:27 > 0:12:29over and over again the "strong and stable" thing?
0:12:29 > 0:12:31- That, obviously, yes.- Yes.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35I can't wait till she does a photo opportunity with a stable.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Stables are normally full of something, aren't they?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41She's got a new mantra, though. Did you pick it up at the weekend?
0:12:41 > 0:12:44- Have a look, see if you can spot it here.- Yeah, go on.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46I genuinely believe this is the most important election
0:12:46 > 0:12:48the country has faced in my lifetime.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52Because this is, I think, the most important election
0:12:52 > 0:12:54that this country has faced in my lifetime.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- How are you finding it so far? - Thank you very much, Ruth,
0:12:57 > 0:12:58and it's great to be with you here.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02Thank you for everything you've done for Scottish Conservatives with your leadership.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04But it's great to be in Scotland, because as we look ahead
0:13:04 > 0:13:07to this general election, really, it is, I think,
0:13:07 > 0:13:11the most important election the UK has faced in my lifetime.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15Of course she'd think that - she's running for Prime Minister!
0:13:15 > 0:13:17LAUGHTER
0:13:17 > 0:13:19She didn't care who won in 1964.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23- It didn't bother her. - I knew I was coming on the show.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25- Did you?- So, on the weekend, I thought
0:13:25 > 0:13:28I will watch the Sunday politics-y shows.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30And I stopped counting in the end
0:13:30 > 0:13:34because she began so many sentences with that construction,
0:13:34 > 0:13:38"I'm very clear." And it struck me that normally,
0:13:38 > 0:13:41if someone repeated themselves that incessantly,
0:13:41 > 0:13:44you would get them checked out for Alzheimer's.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Seriously, you would. I'm not a doctor.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- No.- Are you not? - Are you willing to give it a go?
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- Yeah, I'll give it a go. - Bit of British pluck!
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- I could have been. - You may have to be.- I'm not saying
0:13:55 > 0:13:58the Prime Minister has dementia, but what I'm saying is,
0:13:58 > 0:14:01if she doesn't want people to start wondering about that,
0:14:01 > 0:14:04she should stop repeating herself.
0:14:04 > 0:14:05She is forgetting a lot of stuff.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09She's forgotten her original position on Brexit pretty quickly.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11I'm not saying she's got...
0:14:11 > 0:14:13But next week, if she's giving a press conference
0:14:13 > 0:14:16in her pyjamas, you heard it here first.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18I think there's a potential show in this -
0:14:18 > 0:14:20unqualified people giving medical, you know...
0:14:20 > 0:14:22- Oh, I'm up for that.- Exactly.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24You'll get your operation. You get your operation free,
0:14:24 > 0:14:28- but it has to be carried out by...Joe Pasquale.- Yeah!
0:14:28 > 0:14:32What happened in Cornwall? She was visiting a diving equipment factory.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34- Oh, yes.- She locked all the journalists in a cupboard.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Otherwise they'd find out she's a real submarine.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39She wouldn't let them film her
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- when she was going round the factory in St Ives.- Oh, really?
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- Does everyone want to see Theresa knocking on doors?- Not for me, no.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48LAUGHTER
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Oh, go on, then! If you've got it, if you've got it. Go on, then.
0:15:02 > 0:15:03- No.- No, I don't think...
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Oh, OK. We won't trouble you, then.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18LAUGHTER
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Oh, no!
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Without wishing to labour the dementia thing...
0:15:23 > 0:15:24LAUGHTER
0:15:24 > 0:15:27- It is a touch.- ..she's wandering around the streets...
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Trying to find out where she lives.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32"Do I live in here?" "No."
0:15:32 > 0:15:34And she has to have a young man with her
0:15:34 > 0:15:38to show her how to use a doorbell.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40I rest my case.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Back to Cornwall Live. They had a couple of reporters there.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47One of them, Graeme Wilkinson, put a tweet up.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Is that a strategy, do you think? That's a thing where she's now
0:15:55 > 0:15:58going to keep the press away from her meeting actual people?
0:15:58 > 0:16:00That's a Trump tactic.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03And Eminem does it as well.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05- So they're the big three. - Oh, really?- Yeah.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Back to her interview on the Andrew Marr Show.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09What did Theresa May deny
0:16:09 > 0:16:12was down to the government's public sector pay freeze?
0:16:12 > 0:16:13- ANDY:- Food banks, people going to the...
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Oh, yes, the nurses, yes.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- The nurses.- Using food banks. - Well, let's see her answer.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22There are many complex reasons why people go to food banks.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- Yeah. Sometimes they don't like what's in Sainsbury's!- Yeah.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Could buy it, don't want to.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29- Fancied a laugh at the end of the night shift.- Yeah.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Meanwhile, who was showing off his new purchase this week?
0:16:32 > 0:16:35- David Cameron. - Yes.- Oh, yes!- Yes.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37He's bought a conscience.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39LAUGHTER
0:16:39 > 0:16:42He's bought a £25,000 shepherd's hut. Here he is.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44- SARA:- They don't sell consciences in Farrow and Ball.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48- The colour on that is a shade called "Clunch".- Is it really?!
0:16:48 > 0:16:51And the hut is painted in Yeabridge Green.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55- ANDY:- I thought "clunch" was gay slang in the '50s.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57LAUGHTER
0:16:57 > 0:16:59What you looking at me for?
0:16:59 > 0:17:01LAUGHTER
0:17:01 > 0:17:04It's exactly like the scene in Wind In The Willows
0:17:04 > 0:17:06where Mr Toad buys a caravan!
0:17:06 > 0:17:08LAUGHTER
0:17:08 > 0:17:11"Boop-boop! Time to write my memoirs.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13"Day one - messed it up."
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Anyone want to see a religious statue that looks a bit like David Cameron?
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- Yeah.- Yes, please. - Yes, please.- There we are.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24LAUGHTER
0:17:27 > 0:17:30So, on to the Lib Dems now. On to the Lib Dems.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Who has Tim Farron been talking to?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34He ran into a man who disagreed with him.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36He did that. Before he did that, though,
0:17:36 > 0:17:40according to the Express, he'd been talking to Tony Blair
0:17:40 > 0:17:43about the possibility of forming a pro-European party.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Tony Blair! He's been really mean about Jeremy Corbyn.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48- Not mean, he doesn't like him... - You mean sort of accurate?
0:17:48 > 0:17:51That's his party who he's supposed to be helping.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53It's like your ex-boyfriend turning up, being like,
0:17:53 > 0:17:54"I don't like your new boyfriend."
0:17:54 > 0:17:56"Erm, you left me in the middle of the night.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59"I woke up, Gordon Brown was there.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02"I don't want to listen to you!"
0:18:02 > 0:18:05APPLAUSE
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Tim Farron was meeting members of the public in Kidlington.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11This is what happened when he met Malcolm Baker in Oxfordshire.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13- You keep going on, all the time... - Loads of my mates voted...
0:18:13 > 0:18:15- I voted Leave.- Yep.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17- And I'm proud to have voted Leave. - Yeah.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19- MAN:- You're very aggressive. - And I knew what I was voting for.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22- But are you...? Have you got grandchildren?- Yes, I've got...
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Are you proud they will inherit a poorer, less secure country?
0:18:25 > 0:18:30I'm proud that they'll be coming out of Britain - out of Europe -
0:18:30 > 0:18:32and that we will have our own destiny
0:18:32 > 0:18:35and not have people telling us we're going to pay £100 billion
0:18:35 > 0:18:38- to get out.- Do you not...? - And if that's your policies,
0:18:38 > 0:18:41I hope you get beaten. I hope you only get six seats!
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Well, thank you very much. Nice to talk to you.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45I have always voted Labour,
0:18:45 > 0:18:48but I will be voting for Theresa May!
0:18:48 > 0:18:49You fucking idiot!
0:18:49 > 0:18:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:54 > 0:18:58Glad we have the voice of common sense there at the end.
0:18:58 > 0:19:03It's a very sad way to find out that Kidlington is leaving Britain.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07What did Tim Farron invite a voter in Cambridge to do?
0:19:07 > 0:19:09- Smell his Spaniel.- That's right.
0:19:09 > 0:19:10- SARA:- What?!
0:19:10 > 0:19:13According to bystanders it sounded as if he invited one voter to...
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Which could be a game show.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21- People bring in their dogs... - Blindfolded celebrity.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Yeah. "Whose Spaniel is that?" "I think it's..."
0:19:24 > 0:19:28"Christine Hamilton, you have ten seconds, whose Labrador is this?"
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- Here's Jeremy Corbyn. - Jeremy Corbyn, yes.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- What's going on here? - He's rather confused.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36He's discovered that Paul Nuttall has turned up to support him,
0:19:36 > 0:19:39- if you look behind him. - LAUGHTER
0:19:39 > 0:19:43Here's Nicola Sturgeon. What do we think's going on here?
0:19:43 > 0:19:45- ANDY:- She's having so much fun there.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49It's like, "Oh, look, I'm Harry Potter!"
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Here's Theresa May...
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Oh, they've airbrushed out the cigarette!
0:19:53 > 0:19:57LAUGHTER
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- Fag Ash Lil.- Yeah.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- The full Dot Cotton look! - SARA:- It's the walk of shame!
0:20:02 > 0:20:05She's not been to bed. Been on the doorstep all night.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Just getting her tea and her chips.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11"Why are you taking pictures of me now?"
0:20:11 > 0:20:15It looks like she's trying to suck the chips up.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18There's been a lot of talk about tactical voting in this election.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21- Is that going to happen, do we think?- Well, there's a lot of
0:20:21 > 0:20:24traditional Labour people who aren't sure if they can actually do it.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26I mean, presumably you, Andy,
0:20:26 > 0:20:28I mean, it's a tough decision, isn't it?
0:20:28 > 0:20:31I've voted tactically in the past sometimes.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Or to put that another way...
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Their fate will be in each other's hands
0:20:35 > 0:20:38as they decide whether to share
0:20:38 > 0:20:40or to shaft.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:44 > 0:20:47This is the official launch of the election campaign
0:20:47 > 0:20:49with a visit by Theresa May to the Queen.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Diane Abbott got in a tangle on LBC
0:20:51 > 0:20:54during an interview about funding police recruitment.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57To be fair, it wasn't her fault. She didn't have the figures to hand
0:20:57 > 0:21:01because one of advisers had left the fag packet back in the office.
0:21:01 > 0:21:02According to the Guardian...
0:21:05 > 0:21:09As has the Conservatives'.
0:21:09 > 0:21:10According to the Guardian...
0:21:15 > 0:21:16Ah, Bernie Sanders,
0:21:16 > 0:21:19the man who lost to the woman who lost to Donald Trump.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Just when you thought things couldn't get worse for Labour,
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Tony Blair has hinted at a comeback.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Tory Jacob Rees-Mogg dismissed the announcement...
0:21:32 > 0:21:36Bit rich coming from the MP for 1879!
0:21:36 > 0:21:40The Ukip campaign was marred by a brawl between two women
0:21:40 > 0:21:41outside a pub in Hartlepool.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42According to one witness...
0:21:45 > 0:21:49I'm guessing it's what we, the liberal elite, call "wine."
0:21:49 > 0:21:51LAUGHTER
0:21:51 > 0:21:52In an interview,
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Theresa May revealed her favourite recipes were for...
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Bang goes the Ukip vote.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07- So, at the end of that round, it is two points each.- Hurrah.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10APPLAUSE
0:22:19 > 0:22:24And so it's a welcome return to the Wheel O' News.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28- Oh, there's only three things on it. - Here's the first spin.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34So who is this and why are they in the news?
0:22:34 > 0:22:36- BUZZER Yes, Ian?- Seagulls.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40- Some local council somewhere... Is it Devon?- Devon. It is Devon.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42They've decided that they're going to fine anyone
0:22:42 > 0:22:45who's aiding and abetting gulls
0:22:45 > 0:22:46by feeding them.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48What, like fish?
0:22:48 > 0:22:50LAUGHTER
0:22:50 > 0:22:51They're going to be in trouble.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54There's going to be a lot of fish in jail.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55How much is the fine going to be?
0:22:55 > 0:22:57£80 million.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01- SARA LAUGHS - 300?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03- Ten? - No, it's...
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Hang on.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11- Erm, I have a question... - Jeremy, erm...?
0:23:11 > 0:23:13I have a question. So you know that thing,
0:23:13 > 0:23:14and it's happened to everyone,
0:23:14 > 0:23:17when you've got your chips at the beach
0:23:17 > 0:23:19and the seagull comes in and takes them from you,
0:23:19 > 0:23:21is that still aiding and abetting?
0:23:21 > 0:23:22Take, for example, Theresa May.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- Chips in one hand, drink in the other...- Yeah.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Gull comes in - head-butt. It's good.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31- It's her only option! - APPLAUSE
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Her only option.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37- In case anyone's wondering, the fine is £80.- 80.
0:23:37 > 0:23:41- £80.- That is a figure apparently the council arrived at,
0:23:41 > 0:23:43according to the Express, at the...
0:23:45 > 0:23:47It's not just seaside towns where you get attacked.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49I got attacked by a gull
0:23:49 > 0:23:51in Broadwick Street in London's West End.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Were you being stalked, do you think?
0:23:53 > 0:23:56It's the weirdest thing. I was walking down Broadwick Street
0:23:56 > 0:23:58and a gull, I was aware of a gull...
0:23:58 > 0:24:00- HE IMITATES A SEAGULL - ..sweeping over me,
0:24:00 > 0:24:03and then it came straight for me and I had to duck,
0:24:03 > 0:24:06and I thought, "That's really odd," and then I walked on,
0:24:06 > 0:24:09and then it sort of circled behind me, and it came again.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Three times it came, and there was a guy at a bus stop,
0:24:12 > 0:24:15he said, "He really wants you!"
0:24:15 > 0:24:18The only thing I can think of, I was wearing a baseball cap,
0:24:18 > 0:24:21so whether I looked like a very obese, waddly gull
0:24:21 > 0:24:24and I was near a nesting site.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26- SARA:- Don't put yourself down!
0:24:26 > 0:24:29But why me? There were hundreds of people there!
0:24:29 > 0:24:31- SARA:- Don't put yourself down.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33He might have just thought you were a really small cliff.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35He was trying to just land on you.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Might there be an ulterior motive in all of this?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Yeah, they're trying to make money.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43Maybe, yes. East Devon councillor Ian Chubb told the Telegraph...
0:24:48 > 0:24:51..but...
0:24:51 > 0:24:54- Who's Chubby blaming for feeding the seagulls?- Chubby!
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Tourists, visitors.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58- Animal lovers.- Animal lovers.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00He told the Times... He's talking to a lot of papers here.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Chubby told the Times that the culprits were mainly...
0:25:07 > 0:25:11In other animal news, why did this cat get a visit from the police?
0:25:15 > 0:25:19- Wasting police time?- No-one thought that was a gun, right?
0:25:19 > 0:25:20- That's not the story? - This was reposted
0:25:20 > 0:25:22on the Oregon Police Department Facebook page...
0:25:22 > 0:25:24- No!- ..in the US this week.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25One member of the public claimed it showed
0:25:25 > 0:25:27a cat that was armed with a rifle.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33In other news, what did fossil hunters discover this week
0:25:33 > 0:25:35in Norfolk? This is exciting.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37- Was it a fossil?- A mammoth.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39They found a mammoth's leg bone,
0:25:39 > 0:25:42thought to be around two million years old.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Let's take a look at the bone there.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45- SARA:- Oh, my gosh.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47- ANDY:- That's in quite good nick.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50That looks like something you get from KFC.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52What confusion arose when a British man with no Chinese
0:25:52 > 0:25:56- took his dog to a Chinese barbers this week?- Oh, no.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Well, here is Leigh Simmons' dog, Seren, before the visit.
0:25:59 > 0:26:00Oh, no!
0:26:00 > 0:26:01Leigh told the Sun...
0:26:10 > 0:26:11- ANDY:- Uh-oh.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- SARA:- No!- I can see what way some people are thinking,
0:26:16 > 0:26:18and I admit it would be hilarious, but...
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- ..I suspect the dog survived, first of all.- The dog survived.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Yes, and he was just sort of nude. Apart from his head.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Let's have a look.
0:26:27 > 0:26:28Oh!
0:26:32 > 0:26:34That's not right!
0:26:34 > 0:26:36That's like a dog-chicken thing.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41He looks like he's wearing thermal underwear!
0:26:42 > 0:26:44You would be if everybody shaved your hair off.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46- ANDY:- You look at the dog's expression.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48He's looking at his owner and he's thinking...
0:26:48 > 0:26:50- "I trusted you."- Yeah.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51"You wait till you fall asleep!"
0:26:53 > 0:26:54This is the council in Devon which
0:26:54 > 0:26:56has banned the public from feeding seagulls.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59In 2015, David Cameron revealed a seagull swooped down
0:26:59 > 0:27:02and stole his ham sandwich. The Telegraph said this began...
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Well, voting to leave the EU seems to have got rid of him.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Here is the next spin.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Who is this...
0:27:19 > 0:27:21..and why are they in the news?
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Yes, it's now been 100 days of Donald Trump.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Yes, how did he celebrate?
0:27:25 > 0:27:29- He played golf.- He went to a rally. - He snubbed something.
0:27:29 > 0:27:30He failed to turn up.
0:27:30 > 0:27:31The Correspondents' Dinner.
0:27:31 > 0:27:32- Oh, yes.- That's right.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35The point of this dinner is to show that you have a sense of humour,
0:27:35 > 0:27:38so there's not a great deal of point in Trump turning up.
0:27:38 > 0:27:43He's the first president since Reagan to miss this dinner.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Do you know why Reagan missed it?
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Yeah, he'd been shot. He had a good excuse.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51Trump has so far failed to deliver on any of his 28 promises
0:27:51 > 0:27:52in the first 100 days.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54What's he blaming this on?
0:27:54 > 0:27:56He's blaming it on the American Constitution.
0:27:56 > 0:27:57That's exactly right.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59And it would have helped if he'd read it.
0:27:59 > 0:28:00He told Fox News...
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Normally, that would get you locked up for treason in America.
0:28:08 > 0:28:12It is a very familiar tactic. He just insinuated some broad plot
0:28:12 > 0:28:14without going into detail.
0:28:14 > 0:28:19That's what politicians have done down the centuries.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Isn't it because the average person
0:28:21 > 0:28:24has a very small amount of time to actually engage with politics?
0:28:24 > 0:28:26It's like advertising slogans.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29What, and they watch ten box sets?
0:28:29 > 0:28:30Well, that's fun.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32That's really fun! That's what I mean.
0:28:32 > 0:28:37Things like, with Brexit, say, "get our country back,"
0:28:37 > 0:28:39or, with America, "make our country great again,"
0:28:39 > 0:28:41it's a really vague thing that everyone just imagines
0:28:41 > 0:28:44what that would be for them, project onto it,
0:28:44 > 0:28:46and then buys into it, and so that's why it's so effective,
0:28:46 > 0:28:50so to argue with it you have to use the same tactics, don't you?
0:28:50 > 0:28:52"Everyone's going to get a big willy!"
0:28:54 > 0:28:56Well, he revealed...
0:28:56 > 0:28:58Whether they want it or not!
0:28:58 > 0:29:00Half past ten tonight's best for me.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03I've got to have a couple of drinks first.
0:29:03 > 0:29:06So when is a wall not a wall?
0:29:06 > 0:29:09- When it's a fence.- Yes.
0:29:09 > 0:29:11Or when it's a very, very small wall.
0:29:11 > 0:29:14- Did you see this from Sean Spicer? - Oh, he's good.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16- The White House Press Secretary... - He's great.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18..lecturing on walls and fences.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21Are those photos of fences or walls?
0:29:21 > 0:29:24That is called a bollard wall, that is called a levy wall.
0:29:24 > 0:29:26- Is that the wall...?- No, no, no!
0:29:26 > 0:29:29There are various types of walls that can be built.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32Under the legislation that was just passed,
0:29:32 > 0:29:33it allows us to do that.
0:29:33 > 0:29:37As we've mentioned, that is called a levy wall on the left,
0:29:37 > 0:29:39that is called a bollard wall.
0:29:39 > 0:29:41So that's not a wall, it's a levy wall?
0:29:41 > 0:29:45That's what it's actually called. That's the name of it.
0:29:48 > 0:29:52You'd think when they would say, "We need a press secretary.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55"Who's the most irritable man we know?"
0:29:56 > 0:29:58Donald Trump's presidency has been good news
0:29:58 > 0:30:00for the nuclear shelter industry.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03Reporting a major increase in sales is Los Angeles businessman...
0:30:04 > 0:30:07He learned everything he knows about small enclosed spaces
0:30:07 > 0:30:09from his famous ancestor, Old Mother.
0:30:13 > 0:30:16The last spin on the Wheel O' News...
0:30:16 > 0:30:17BUZZER
0:30:20 > 0:30:22Prince Philip's retiring from public duties
0:30:22 > 0:30:24after 70-odd years of opening things
0:30:24 > 0:30:26and walking around and speaking to people.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28Just cos he's 95.
0:30:28 > 0:30:30- 95.- What a slacker!
0:30:31 > 0:30:33How did the story break this morning?
0:30:33 > 0:30:35They had a pre-announcement, didn't they?
0:30:35 > 0:30:37They said, "We're going to do an announcement."
0:30:37 > 0:30:39Everyone thought it was this really huge announcement
0:30:39 > 0:30:41and then the announcement was Prince Philip is going to retire
0:30:41 > 0:30:44and people thought, "Is he still working? He's so old.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46"Who is making him do this, Iain Duncan Smith?
0:30:46 > 0:30:48"Let the poor boy rest!"
0:30:52 > 0:30:54Some people actually went so far as to report that he had died.
0:30:54 > 0:30:57- They didn't!- Yes, well... It was reported in France
0:30:57 > 0:30:59and then later in the Sun.
0:30:59 > 0:31:02- Shall we see how they covered it in the Sun?- Yes.- Oh, wow.- They said...
0:31:05 > 0:31:07LAUGHTER
0:31:07 > 0:31:10That's the instruction from the features editor, isn't it?
0:31:10 > 0:31:12And they just printed it!
0:31:12 > 0:31:13So what does this actually mean?
0:31:13 > 0:31:15- Well, he's stepping down from... - Stepping down.
0:31:15 > 0:31:18Kind of keeping up all his engagements up until the autumn,
0:31:18 > 0:31:20so he's still headlining Glastonbury.
0:31:21 > 0:31:23So what will we hear no more?
0:31:23 > 0:31:25- SARA:- Pre-war racism?
0:31:26 > 0:31:28Well, his joke.
0:31:28 > 0:31:32You're going to see the world's most experienced plaque unveiler.
0:31:32 > 0:31:35You're seeing the world's most experienced plaque unveiler.
0:31:35 > 0:31:40You are now going to see the world's most experienced plaque unveiler.
0:31:40 > 0:31:41LAUGHTER
0:31:45 > 0:31:47- Not a bad gag.- No, it's quite good.
0:31:47 > 0:31:49I don't think any of us are in a position
0:31:49 > 0:31:52to criticise someone who recycles a gag.
0:31:54 > 0:31:57I enjoyed his answer to a question in 1988.
0:31:57 > 0:32:00He was asked what he would like to be reincarnated as...
0:32:11 > 0:32:14It's an interesting confluence of events,
0:32:14 > 0:32:19that on the Wednesday, Theresa May goes to the Palace
0:32:19 > 0:32:21to see the Queen, and on the Thursday,
0:32:21 > 0:32:24Prince Philip says he's retiring from public life.
0:32:24 > 0:32:27I don't think that's a coincidence. I think he's thought,
0:32:27 > 0:32:30"Oh, my God, that woman's going to be coming here every week
0:32:30 > 0:32:31"for the next five years.
0:32:31 > 0:32:33"I'm off.
0:32:33 > 0:32:35"If anyone wants me, I'll be in my hut."
0:32:37 > 0:32:41This is Prince Philip standing down from all royal duties.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44He's Frankie Boyle, really, isn't he?
0:32:45 > 0:32:47That's what he wanted to be.
0:32:47 > 0:32:49According to the BBC, Prince Philip has...
0:32:53 > 0:32:55..and prompted 800 Royal aides hurriedly to say,
0:32:55 > 0:32:58"He didn't mean it, he's from a different generation."
0:32:59 > 0:33:02The Duke of Edinburgh's Awards scheme
0:33:02 > 0:33:04has been going over 60 years,
0:33:04 > 0:33:06and has resulted in four million young people
0:33:06 > 0:33:09being given the chance to cry in a tent on the Brecon Beacons
0:33:09 > 0:33:11and say they just want to go home.
0:33:11 > 0:33:13Which means, at the end of this round,
0:33:13 > 0:33:16it is 3 to Ian and Sara, 4 to Paul and Andy.
0:33:16 > 0:33:19APPLAUSE
0:33:26 > 0:33:28Time now for the Odd One Out Round.
0:33:28 > 0:33:30Blackbeard,
0:33:30 > 0:33:31Andy Hamilton,
0:33:31 > 0:33:33Conan the Barbarian
0:33:33 > 0:33:34and Ian Hislop.
0:33:34 > 0:33:35There you are.
0:33:38 > 0:33:41Well, they've all got beards, except me.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44Thank you very much, two points!
0:33:44 > 0:33:46They are all barbarians, except me.
0:33:47 > 0:33:50- How dare you?! - Have at you, sir!
0:33:50 > 0:33:52- SARA:- Just what a barbarian would say.
0:33:52 > 0:33:55- Is it pirates?- Hmm...?
0:33:55 > 0:33:57I'm a pirate in a children's cartoon.
0:33:57 > 0:33:58You are. Exactly, yes.
0:33:58 > 0:34:01- Do you remember what you're called? - I'm called...
0:34:01 > 0:34:03Yes, of course I remember. I'm...
0:34:03 > 0:34:05I'm a proper artist!
0:34:05 > 0:34:08- I'm Captain Squid. - You are, you're Captain Squid.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11- Captain Squid? - I'm a captain and I'm a squid.
0:34:11 > 0:34:15It's actually quite an achievement for a squid to reach that rank.
0:34:15 > 0:34:19What's your Captain Squid voice? Your booming, pirate voice?
0:34:19 > 0:34:21It's very like this voice.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23- Let's have a look. We've got it. We've got it here.- Oh, no.
0:34:23 > 0:34:25Captain Squid.
0:34:25 > 0:34:30Well, best be off. I've got some pirate stuff to get on with.
0:34:30 > 0:34:32I'm not a real pirate, in case that's confusing.
0:34:32 > 0:34:36This is about having a parrot. I had a parrot when I was young.
0:34:36 > 0:34:39Ian's the odd one out. He's not a pirate.
0:34:39 > 0:34:41Yes, you're right. Ian has never been a pirate,
0:34:41 > 0:34:44but like many legendary pirates, he did once own a parrot.
0:34:44 > 0:34:46What was your parrot called?
0:34:46 > 0:34:49Erm... We were a very imaginative family.
0:34:49 > 0:34:50It was called Polly.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53It was a grey African parrot.
0:34:53 > 0:34:55Did you teach it all your catchphrases?
0:34:55 > 0:34:57PAUL LAUGHS
0:34:57 > 0:35:00- And those would be, Alexander? - I don't know.
0:35:00 > 0:35:01Catch-looks, maybe.
0:35:01 > 0:35:03LAUGHTER
0:35:06 > 0:35:08That's Ian's catch-look!
0:35:13 > 0:35:14We had this parrot in Nigeria,
0:35:14 > 0:35:16where we were living when I was very young,
0:35:16 > 0:35:19and it was a lovely parrot
0:35:19 > 0:35:24and it did a certain amount of talking...in English.
0:35:24 > 0:35:27- POSH VOICE:- I'm too good for this place!
0:35:27 > 0:35:29I really shouldn't be here.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31What do we know about Blackbeard?
0:35:31 > 0:35:34- He used to set fire to himself, didn't he?- He did, exactly right.
0:35:34 > 0:35:37- He used to put fireworks in his beard.- Yes, exactly. He would...
0:35:41 > 0:35:43And here he is. We've got a picture of him there.
0:35:43 > 0:35:45- SARA:- He runs a coffee shop now in Shoreditch.
0:35:45 > 0:35:47LAUGHTER
0:35:47 > 0:35:49I've seen him. It's vaping.
0:35:49 > 0:35:51That's still happening.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53Blackbeard was an infamous 18th-century pirate
0:35:53 > 0:35:56in the Caribbean, known for his drunkenness and violent reputation.
0:35:56 > 0:35:58In fact, Johnny Depp used him as an inspiration
0:35:58 > 0:36:01for the character Johnny Depp in real life.
0:36:01 > 0:36:03Who's that playing Conan the Barbarian?
0:36:03 > 0:36:05- ANDY:- Arnold Schwarzenegger. - Yes, that's right.
0:36:05 > 0:36:10Can I request at the edit that they put in a less smug photo of me?
0:36:13 > 0:36:15The only time I ever use that expression
0:36:15 > 0:36:18is at home when I've just finished a Codeword.
0:36:19 > 0:36:22- When Arnie... - You look a little bit like Lenin.
0:36:22 > 0:36:24Have you ever thought of that?
0:36:24 > 0:36:27Yeah, I went up for the cartoon version of Lenin,
0:36:27 > 0:36:30but he was a hamster, and I didn't get it.
0:36:30 > 0:36:34What did Arnie have to do as a preparation for playing Conan?
0:36:34 > 0:36:37Um...learn the script?
0:36:37 > 0:36:38Yes.
0:36:38 > 0:36:40Did he have to...? He's very smooth and muscly.
0:36:40 > 0:36:42- Did he have to work out and wax? - Do you know what?
0:36:42 > 0:36:45It was a muscle thing, but he had to spend time...
0:36:49 > 0:36:51Oh, that sounds like such a humblebrag.
0:36:51 > 0:36:54I do the same for Pointless as well.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58One recent review of Conan the Barbarian read simply,
0:36:58 > 0:37:02"Terrible film, terrible actor, terrible Apprentice ratings, sad,
0:37:02 > 0:37:04"exclamation mark."
0:37:04 > 0:37:06Yes, they are all pirates, apart from Ian,
0:37:06 > 0:37:08although he did once own a parrot.
0:37:08 > 0:37:09I was a pirate, actually.
0:37:11 > 0:37:13LAUGHTER
0:37:16 > 0:37:18After Nigeria, we moved to Somalia.
0:37:21 > 0:37:24That film, Captain Phillips? It's based on me.
0:37:25 > 0:37:27It's a busy life, being Ian Hislop's parrot.
0:37:27 > 0:37:29After repeating everything Ian says, the parrot
0:37:29 > 0:37:31is currently fighting 19 different libel actions.
0:37:35 > 0:37:37Which means, at the end of this round,
0:37:37 > 0:37:40Ian and Sara are on 5, Paul and Andy are on 6.
0:37:40 > 0:37:42APPLAUSE
0:37:49 > 0:37:51It's time now for the Missing Words round,
0:37:51 > 0:37:55which this week features as its guest publication...
0:37:57 > 0:37:58It comes out once a month,
0:37:58 > 0:38:00without any signals or warning.
0:38:00 > 0:38:02And to start with...
0:38:05 > 0:38:10- SARA:- Struggle, because I can't reach the keyboard like this.
0:38:10 > 0:38:14- ANDY:- Writing The LaidBack Cyclist seems an awful waste of a life?
0:38:22 > 0:38:26Oh! And you've just told then it's a waste of a life!
0:38:26 > 0:38:29Apparently the readership of the magazine dropped last year but...
0:38:32 > 0:38:36My God, who knew David Bowie and Prince were both subscribers?
0:38:38 > 0:38:39Next...
0:38:42 > 0:38:44- ANDY:- Talk to someone.
0:38:44 > 0:38:46Sing.
0:38:46 > 0:38:48The answer is...
0:38:49 > 0:38:52- Have you seen this? - Here is the raven with its owner.
0:38:54 > 0:38:57The person who was sitting next to her moved down the carriage
0:38:57 > 0:39:00to sit by the man with the ticking rucksack.
0:39:00 > 0:39:01Next...
0:39:04 > 0:39:06- ANDY:- Older.
0:39:07 > 0:39:09Dried out.
0:39:09 > 0:39:11In a specialist clinic.
0:39:13 > 0:39:15Pro-Corbyn.
0:39:19 > 0:39:20That's certainly true!
0:39:20 > 0:39:23This is a list of 24 endangered baby names.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25According to the Sun...
0:39:27 > 0:39:30Not surprising. That's not how you spell "Monica".
0:39:30 > 0:39:33LAUGHTER
0:39:33 > 0:39:34And finally...
0:39:37 > 0:39:38Convicted.
0:39:40 > 0:39:42Solves crime?
0:39:42 > 0:39:43- ANDY:- Solves murder.- Yeah.
0:39:45 > 0:39:47A hairdresser accused of driving without a seat belt
0:39:47 > 0:39:49has successfully defended herself in court
0:39:49 > 0:39:51after watching episodes of Miss Marple.
0:39:51 > 0:39:55She used Agatha Christie's TV series to prove that she couldn't possibly
0:39:55 > 0:39:57have not been wearing her seat belt in Colchester
0:39:57 > 0:39:59on the day in question, as at the time she was, in fact,
0:39:59 > 0:40:03murdering someone on the Orient Express.
0:40:03 > 0:40:06So the final scores are Ian and Sara on 5,
0:40:06 > 0:40:09Paul and Andy on 7.
0:40:09 > 0:40:10- APPLAUSE - Outrageous!
0:40:10 > 0:40:12We lose again.
0:40:17 > 0:40:20But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:40:20 > 0:40:22Ian and Sara have this.
0:40:22 > 0:40:24"Oh, where's Alan?"
0:40:24 > 0:40:27"Oh, he went to a Chinese barber.
0:40:27 > 0:40:29"He won't be coming back for ages!"
0:40:29 > 0:40:31Paul and Andy, you get that.
0:40:31 > 0:40:38Angela Merkel unveils negotiator for Brexit talks.
0:40:40 > 0:40:42- IN DALEK VOICE:- Negotiate.
0:40:45 > 0:40:48On which note we say thank you to our panellists Ian Hislop and Sara Pascoe,
0:40:48 > 0:40:51Paul Merton and Andy Hamilton, and I leave you with news that
0:40:51 > 0:40:54in Edinburgh, as the Conservatives campaign
0:40:54 > 0:40:55to win back some seats in Scotland,
0:40:55 > 0:40:58there's a hostile reception for Theresa May.
0:41:03 > 0:41:05At a packed press conference in Paris,
0:41:05 > 0:41:07Francois Hollande is finally forced to admit
0:41:07 > 0:41:09he has a body odour problem.
0:41:15 > 0:41:18And as a result of his decision to withdraw from public engagements,
0:41:18 > 0:41:21Prince Philip will now have more time to spend with his family.
0:41:25 > 0:41:26Goodnight.