0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong lanaguage
0:00:31 > 0:00:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42I'm David Harewood.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46In the news this week, running late before a rally on the environment,
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Green Party leader Caroline Lucas rushes through the morning chores.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57LAUGHTER
0:00:57 > 0:01:00In London, Simon Cowell's butler admits he's getting a bit fed up
0:01:00 > 0:01:02with having to deal with his boss' cats.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04BELL RINGS
0:01:04 > 0:01:06LAUGHTER
0:01:15 > 0:01:18And after losing his job, Kelvin MacKenzie's week
0:01:18 > 0:01:21goes from bad to worse as he regrets leaving his tin of toffees
0:01:21 > 0:01:23out in the sun for too long.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27LAUGHTER
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Argh, jeez!
0:01:31 > 0:01:32LAUGHTER
0:01:32 > 0:01:34On Ian's team tonight, a writer and comedian
0:01:34 > 0:01:38who's won both Celebrity Pointless and Celebrity Mastermind.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41So obviously, he's very clever, for a celebrity.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Please welcome Josh Widdicombe.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:50 > 0:01:53And with Paul is a journalist and broadcaster
0:01:53 > 0:01:56who started out on BBC Radio Scotland.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57And the way things are going,
0:01:57 > 0:02:00she'll soon be back there as the BBC's foreign correspondent.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Please welcome Kirsty Wark.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:09 > 0:02:12And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Ian and Josh, take a look at this.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Bananas.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19That's Tim Farron on The Krypton Factor.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21That's the BBC's top political interviewers, there.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25And the reintroduction of grammar schools.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31That last one, is it that they're remaking Big, starring Theresa May?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33LAUGHTER
0:02:33 > 0:02:35It's going to be a great film, I can't wait for it.
0:02:35 > 0:02:36- It's the election, presumably? - The election.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38This is the news that,
0:02:38 > 0:02:41fearing Kirsty would give her too easy a ride on Newsnight,
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Theresa May subjected herself to The One Show.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Which member of Theresa's team was trusted to appear alongside her?
0:02:46 > 0:02:49It was her husband, Philip.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51It was a very kind of nervous...
0:02:51 > 0:02:53They were both kind of sat there kind of nervously.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55It was a bit like... I don't know if you've ever seen First Dates
0:02:55 > 0:02:59at the end when the couple have to sit together...
0:02:59 > 0:03:01- and they say whether they're going to go out again.- Yes.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04- It was a very similar tension to that.- It was!
0:03:04 > 0:03:07- It was, actually.- I mean, it was obviously a tough interview.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10They went straight in with, "Do you like shoes?"
0:03:10 > 0:03:11LAUGHTER
0:03:12 > 0:03:16Yes, Alex and Matt, the grand inquistadores.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18LAUGHTER
0:03:18 > 0:03:21- Did she?- Yes, she did like shoes,
0:03:21 > 0:03:22as long as they were strong and stable.
0:03:22 > 0:03:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:30 > 0:03:33I mean, I would say it was sycophantic
0:03:33 > 0:03:35but that's just understating it.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39It managed to be both sort of grotesque and dull.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41LAUGHTER
0:03:41 > 0:03:43It's hard. That's hard.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45You'll gather I have no life and I watched all of it.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Yes, the questions included how did they meet,
0:03:49 > 0:03:52does he like jackets or jumpers
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- and, "Who takes the bins out?"- Yes.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57- It was him.- That's right.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59- Philip takes the bins out. - But I've never seen it
0:03:59 > 0:04:01because they've always got that kind of shot of Number Ten.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03You've never seen him just...
0:04:03 > 0:04:04LAUGHTER
0:04:06 > 0:04:10All those first drafts of her speeches...
0:04:10 > 0:04:13I wouldn't give him the job of putting the bins out.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14It looks like the bins have put him out.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17- LAUGHTER - Poor devil.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19But I don't understand,
0:04:19 > 0:04:22you've got the Prime Minister on and the basis of the BBC line is,
0:04:22 > 0:04:23"We won't ask about politics...
0:04:25 > 0:04:27"..cos that would be unfair!"
0:04:27 > 0:04:28That's the Prime Minister!
0:04:28 > 0:04:31So what happens when Jeremy Corbyn comes on?
0:04:31 > 0:04:32He may like that.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36But, his partner's not going to go on with him.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39No, they can't do a cosy Mr and Mrs, because Mrs won't come on.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42So Diane Abbott will go on.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44LAUGHTER
0:04:44 > 0:04:46She'll have a problem with the figures, won't she?
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Is it The One Show, The Five Show?
0:04:49 > 0:04:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:52 > 0:04:53Did you like the answer, Kirsty,
0:04:53 > 0:04:58that in life there are boys' jobs and girls' jobs?
0:04:58 > 0:05:00That was a focus group job, wasn't it?
0:05:00 > 0:05:03They've definitely done that for that audience, absolutely.
0:05:03 > 0:05:04He takes the bins out, she...
0:05:04 > 0:05:08- irons?- I thought it was girls' jobs are being the Prime Minister...
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Boy's jobs - being in the City, making money.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17- Strong and stable. - Strong and stable, yes.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- Tie. No, he didn't wear a tie. - He didn't wear a tie.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Didn't wear a tie, extraordinary behaviour.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24LAUGHTER
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Did you hear Theresa's uplifting story
0:05:26 > 0:05:29about how she inspired a young woman to go into politics?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31- Yes, I did. - Did you? Was it inspiring?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33It was. The young woman was inspired
0:05:33 > 0:05:36by Theresa's shoes to go into politics.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39She said, "The only reason I went into politics is your shoes."
0:05:39 > 0:05:41And that woman was Marine Le Pen.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:49 > 0:05:51In fact, we can have a look at that clip right now.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Just to tell you a little story,
0:05:53 > 0:05:55this happened about, I suppose, four or five years ago.
0:05:55 > 0:05:56I was in the lift in the House of Commons,
0:05:56 > 0:05:58and there was a young woman in the lift
0:05:58 > 0:06:01and I happened to look down and I said, "Oh, nice pair of shoes."
0:06:01 > 0:06:02And she said, "Oh, I like your shoes."
0:06:02 > 0:06:04And then she looked at me and said,
0:06:04 > 0:06:06"Your shoes got me involved in politics."
0:06:06 > 0:06:08And now... You know?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11LAUGHTER
0:06:11 > 0:06:13- It's as easy as that! - It's as easy as that.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15What has Channel 4 News' Michael Crick
0:06:15 > 0:06:18alleged about Theresa May's campaign?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21It says a Conservative press officer has been refusing to allow questions
0:06:21 > 0:06:24to Theresa May, unless they have prior approval to speak.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25And this is in the Cabinet.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28LAUGHTER
0:06:28 > 0:06:32You're not suggesting the questions in Mrs May's meetings are planted?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34I'm not suggesting that at all.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35Who is, then?
0:06:35 > 0:06:38LAUGHTER
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Kirsty, have you been allowed to ask Mrs May a question?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43She keeps asking to come on, but we're being picky.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Other media outlets have said that they have had no such problems,
0:06:54 > 0:06:57but Theresa May was heard to accuse someone at a recent factory visit...
0:07:00 > 0:07:02They said, "No, this is a Biro factory."
0:07:02 > 0:07:06LAUGHTER
0:07:06 > 0:07:10You know, she's got a touch of the Trumps, touch of the Erdogans...
0:07:12 > 0:07:14..all kicking in.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17No, I think she's forgotten this is an election for Prime Minister,
0:07:17 > 0:07:19not life president and dictator.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24At least Jeremy Corbyn is prepared to meet people in the street.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Did you see what happened in Leicester the other day?
0:07:26 > 0:07:27- No.- Let's have a look.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28Your hair?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32LAUGHTER
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Yes, that's better.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36- Keep still.- That one.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Do you know what? If he takes him on The One Show, that will be amazing.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Yes!
0:07:45 > 0:07:47- Is he curing the sick? - LAUGHTER
0:07:47 > 0:07:49And another man said this to him...
0:07:56 > 0:07:57LAUGHTER
0:08:01 > 0:08:03"We met in the gents toilets."
0:08:03 > 0:08:04He said, "I like your shoes."
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Kirsty, who leaked the Labour Party manifesto to the BBC?
0:08:10 > 0:08:11Was it you?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- LAUGHTER - You see, there are people that say
0:08:14 > 0:08:17that actually it was a kind of stunt,
0:08:17 > 0:08:21because it would mean that it would come out and get a bit more play
0:08:21 > 0:08:24and then Jeremy Corbyn wouldn't have to launch it next week,
0:08:24 > 0:08:26the attention wouldn't all be on Jeremy Corbyn
0:08:26 > 0:08:27because it would be out there.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30I think they had to leak the Labour pledges early
0:08:30 > 0:08:33in case the Tories just stole all of them.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35LAUGHTER
0:08:35 > 0:08:37I mean, they've done it with electricity,
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- they might have done a lot, really. - But would they actually say
0:08:39 > 0:08:43- they would only use a nuclear deterrent with caution?- Yeah.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46- That was an extraordinary one. - Is that unreasonable?
0:08:46 > 0:08:48LAUGHTER
0:08:48 > 0:08:51It should have said... Cos it was a draft, if it just said,
0:08:51 > 0:08:54"We're going to be gung ho with nuclear deterrents."
0:08:54 > 0:08:57And then a little note by it, "Change this later."
0:08:57 > 0:08:59LAUGHTER
0:08:59 > 0:09:02- Shall we have a quiz about the 1970s?- Absolutely.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- Come on, let's do it. - I am going to nail this(!)
0:09:06 > 0:09:09If it was the 1870s, you'd have more of a chance.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Now, the 1870s, come on!
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Here we go.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16OK, fingers on buzzers, here's the first one.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Here's the top five singles
0:09:18 > 0:09:21for the chart week in 1974,
0:09:21 > 0:09:23the last year when a socialist government was elected.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Don't Stay Away Too Long!
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Do you remember these banging tunes? Does anyone remember these?
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- Every one of them.- KIRSTY:- Of course, Shang-A-Lang.- JOSH:- No.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- When were you born?- '83. - Oh, right.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40Josh, you could almost be Macron's wife.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45The Wombles were at number five with Remember You're A Womble.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Ian, can you name three more Womble songs?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- Wombling Free.- Yes.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Uncle Bulgaria's Not In The EU Any More.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- Have Yourself A Wombling Christmas. - Yes!
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Yes, very, very good, that's one of them.
0:09:58 > 0:10:03- The other one is Wombling White Tie And Tails and Superwomble.- Mm.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Next, can you name any of the finalists
0:10:05 > 0:10:10in ITV's Best Dressed Man of 1974?
0:10:10 > 0:10:12- Oh!- '74... - JOSH:- I imagine...
0:10:12 > 0:10:13Pol Pot.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17I will give you a clue.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21- Roger Moore.- Yes!
0:10:22 > 0:10:25What did Roger Moore say about the future James Bond?
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- It's a girl's job.- Did he...?
0:10:28 > 0:10:31No, that's not what he said. He said...
0:10:34 > 0:10:36I can tell you what, he's going to be neither,
0:10:36 > 0:10:38because I'm still in with a chance.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41APPLAUSE
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Next question, what's the name of this car?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47- BUZZER KIRSTY:- Oh, a Jensen Interceptor.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49- Jensen Interceptor. - It's not a Jensen Interceptor.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51- What is it, then? - I'll give you a clue.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54- That's the quiz, I think. - LAUGHTER
0:10:54 > 0:10:56- We've got to tell him. - I'll give you a big clue.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- Yeah, go on.- It's got a Wankel rotary engine.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01It's got a what, sorry?
0:11:01 > 0:11:02It's a good job I did my warm up.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05It's got a Wankel rotary engine.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06- And that's a clue?- Yeah.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11- Somebody out there is whispering it, I can hear it somewhere.- Yes.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12Is there a Top Gear fan?
0:11:12 > 0:11:13AUDIENCE MEMBER CALLS OUT
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- NSU.- KIRSTY:- What? - That's a clinic.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20It's a NSU Ro 80.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Well done, that man.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25APPLAUSE
0:11:28 > 0:11:31- He knew.- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35For an extra point, who presented the first-ever Top Gear in 1970s...?
0:11:35 > 0:11:37That bloke did, over there.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Angela Rippon and Noel Edmonds.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45And why are they now in the news?
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Angela Rippon and Noel Edmonds?
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- Was it Noel Edmonds?- It's Noel Edmonds.- He's in the news.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51He wants lots of money,
0:11:51 > 0:11:54he's suing the banks for something like 30-odd million because...
0:11:54 > 0:11:56- Yep.- They've defiled his reputation. - Yep.- That's right, he's...
0:11:56 > 0:11:59- JOSH:- What, the guy at the end of the phone on Deal Or No Deal,
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- he's suing him?- Not that banker, I think he's suing a real bank.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05- Oh, OK. - KIRSTY:- Yep.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08It is actually Noel Edmonds who is now suing Lloyds Banking Group
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- for 73 million quid. - Oh, I thought it was 37.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12- Back to the present.- Yeah.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15After the Labour Party's manifesto was leaked on Wednesday,
0:12:15 > 0:12:18many commentators agree it's a great shame to see all this Labour Party
0:12:18 > 0:12:20infighting during the election.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22I mean, come on, guys, it's your last one ever.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25LAUGHTER
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Would you like to see Diane Abbott
0:12:27 > 0:12:30explaining the number of seats lost by Labour
0:12:30 > 0:12:32- at last week's local elections? - Yeah.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35And do you know the number of net losses so far for Labour?
0:12:37 > 0:12:41At the time of us doing this interview,
0:12:41 > 0:12:44I think the net losses were about 50.
0:12:44 > 0:12:49There are actually 125 net losses so far.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54Well, the last time I looked
0:12:54 > 0:12:59we had net losses of...
0:12:59 > 0:13:03- 100. But obviously... - LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Sounds a bit like a doctor checking for concussion.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08LAUGHTER
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Should ask her who the Prime Minister is.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Er...
0:13:16 > 0:13:18I think I've got the wrong page.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Ah, there it is.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21That's one of her lines.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Did you see how Ed Miliband this week proved what an uphill struggle
0:13:26 > 0:13:29it is for Labour to keep the traditional working-class vote?
0:13:29 > 0:13:30- No.- No.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35LAUGHTER
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Oh, there's no clip, it was just a question.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46- KIRSTY:- It's Pavlov's Dog. - JOSH:- Yes!
0:13:46 > 0:13:51That's a very modern thing, we have to look at a screen at all times.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Did you see that? Did you see how hard...?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Are you going to describe it or do it in modern dance or...?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- No.- He was actually in Doncaster
0:13:59 > 0:14:03where he met an MP and tried to chat to a few locals who were unimpressed
0:14:03 > 0:14:05and told the Sunday Times...
0:14:08 > 0:14:10LAUGHTER
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Now, the deadline has passed for people to be named
0:14:12 > 0:14:14as the party's chosen candidates.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Why was there some delay over the official selection
0:14:16 > 0:14:18of Ukip candidate George Connolly
0:14:18 > 0:14:21for the Wyre Forest in Worcestershire?
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Was he...
0:14:23 > 0:14:24dead?
0:14:25 > 0:14:29Had he been nominated but not...? He couldn't find Paul Nuttall?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Cos he was hiding after the election results.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33He was hiding, yes.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Everyone kept saying, "Where's the leader of Ukip?"
0:14:35 > 0:14:37It's a great new book, it's like Where's Wally?
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Where's The Leader Of Ukip?
0:14:40 > 0:14:41Where's Nutty?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- Here's George's official photo.- Yes.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52But a photograph purporting to be him
0:14:52 > 0:14:54has been circulating on social media.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Now, many people have suggested that he lacks attention to detail,
0:15:02 > 0:15:05including someone called Vincent Graff who tweeted...
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Absolutely.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17This is obviously the election campaign and the fierce grilling
0:15:17 > 0:15:19of Mr and Mrs May on The One Show,
0:15:19 > 0:15:22so-called because it's the one show Theresa May's prepared to go on.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24LAUGHTER
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Mr and Mrs May met at university and have been together ever since.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30But, as we know, even though she's remained with him all this time,
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Theresa could change her mind and leave at any minute.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36LAUGHTER
0:15:36 > 0:15:37According to the Daily Mail...
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Corbyn doesn't want that.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44He'd have to sleep with Diane Abbott all over again.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Also this week, Amber Rudd told reporters that
0:15:51 > 0:15:56being Home Secretary was a bit like the TV series Homeland, saying...
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Hang on a minute, six series?
0:16:02 > 0:16:05They told me they stopped making it after they blew me up in series two.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08LAUGHTER
0:16:08 > 0:16:09Bastards!
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- Can't trust anybody. - Paul and Kirsty, here's one for you.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Yes. Avocado...
0:16:18 > 0:16:21- Avocado-gate. - Avocado-gate, is it?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23SIREN BLARES LAUGHTER
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Thanks for putting the sound on, I would have been confused
0:16:25 > 0:16:27as to what that vehicle was doing!
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Yes, it seems to be avocados are causing damage amongst people
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- in Great Britain, is that right? - Yeah, there's been a lot of hands...
0:16:33 > 0:16:36- It's soft, it's soft, what's that? - Hand problems, hand surgery.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38- Really?!- Yes, lots of it.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40You'll never carve another avocado again.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Those must be grim words to hear on a Friday night.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47At last we've got a proper liberal, metropolitan story.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52That guy from Doncaster's turned off, hasn't he?
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Exactly! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Well, poofs talking about fruit.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02LAUGHTER
0:17:02 > 0:17:04I bet someone's just turned on at that moment.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05LAUGHTER
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Apparently the injuries are greater at the weekends.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11In Glasgow, on a Saturday night when you go to A&E...
0:17:11 > 0:17:13- Oh, yes, avocado, yeah. - It's either...
0:17:13 > 0:17:16"You'll have to get this one out, Doctor."
0:17:16 > 0:17:17LAUGHTER
0:17:17 > 0:17:19"Oh, Jesus Christ!
0:17:20 > 0:17:24"That's the last time I talk about football, I tell you that much."
0:17:24 > 0:17:27This is the shocking rise in avocado-related injuries.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31- At Chelsea and Westminster Hospital, in London...- Chelsea!
0:17:31 > 0:17:32LAUGHTER
0:17:32 > 0:17:34- This is shocking!- Chelsea, yeah.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36It's a shocking rise.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39- Shocking!- At Chelsea and Westminster Hospital, in London,
0:17:39 > 0:17:43surgeon Mr Eccles said he now treats about four patients a week.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Though, disappointingly, he's never encountered an injury
0:17:46 > 0:17:47from a cake filled with currants.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49LAUGHTER
0:17:49 > 0:17:51So what's the name given by A&E surgeons,
0:17:51 > 0:17:55- to this avocado-related injury? - Idiocy.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57LAUGHTER
0:17:57 > 0:17:59I think I know. It's avocado hand.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Very, very good - point there.
0:18:01 > 0:18:02Avocado hand -
0:18:02 > 0:18:04where amateur cooks have slashed their hand
0:18:04 > 0:18:07trying to cut into the fruit and remove the stone.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08It's like stigmata.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12I think the Irish police will be round for you.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14LAUGHTER
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Walking round Glasgow on a Saturday night going, "Stigmata!"
0:18:20 > 0:18:24They didn't get Stephen Fry, they'll get you.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28Who can give us the definitive technique for safely de-stoning?
0:18:28 > 0:18:32- Get somebody else to do it. - LAUGHTER
0:18:32 > 0:18:33According to David Shewring
0:18:33 > 0:18:37- of the British Society of Surgery of the Hand...- Yes.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46- KIRSTY:- I was right!- Yeah.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Then you can use the towel to dry your tears as you realise
0:18:56 > 0:18:59what an utter travesty of life your middle-class existence has become.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03- Yes.- It's very simple,
0:19:03 > 0:19:05you cut the avocado...
0:19:05 > 0:19:07- KIRSTY:- Yep.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Yep, how do you get the stone out?
0:19:09 > 0:19:10- JOSH:- Hoover.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Guppy fish.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15- JOSH:- Guppy fish!
0:19:15 > 0:19:17What does cafe owner Catherine Scott
0:19:17 > 0:19:20think avocados should be accompanied by?
0:19:20 > 0:19:21- A health warning.- Yes.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25Small children mustn't try this, you must be 18 to cut an avocado.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- JOSH:- Like on cigarettes, pictures of avocado injuries.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29- KIRSTY:- Avocado hand.
0:19:30 > 0:19:35- JOSH:- Four out of five avocado eaters can't grip a joystick.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38Why are you doing that?
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- You can take Glasgow out of the girl...- Finger loss.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Avocados should come with a health warning, that's right.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Catherine cut herself whilst slicing an avocado and said
0:19:51 > 0:19:53she got no sympathy from her family.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57- They're from Doncaster.- They just...
0:19:59 > 0:20:01LAUGHTER
0:20:01 > 0:20:03APPLAUSE
0:20:03 > 0:20:05But they soon stopped when she bashed them over the head
0:20:05 > 0:20:07with her Brabantia pedal bin.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08LAUGHTER
0:20:08 > 0:20:11This of course is the dreadful news that more and more
0:20:11 > 0:20:14middle-class people are injuring themselves preparing food,
0:20:14 > 0:20:15especially avocados,
0:20:15 > 0:20:17and that's just for starters.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:19 > 0:20:21- JOSH:- That is a great joke!
0:20:26 > 0:20:29And so to Round Two, the One-Armed Bandit Of News.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Fingers on buzzers, please,
0:20:32 > 0:20:34and here's the first one.
0:20:38 > 0:20:39BUZZER
0:20:39 > 0:20:41- Trump.- He's excelled himself,
0:20:41 > 0:20:43he's shocked even America,
0:20:43 > 0:20:45by sacking a man who's investigating him.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47- KIRSTY:- Mr Comey's in trouble.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49But he only knew he was in trouble
0:20:49 > 0:20:53because he was actually attending an FBI staff meeting,
0:20:53 > 0:20:55he was addressing the staff at an awayday,
0:20:55 > 0:20:58and something came on the television behind that he'd been sacked.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00And he said, "That's such a joke, you guys."
0:21:00 > 0:21:02- JOSH:- He thought he was being pranked?
0:21:02 > 0:21:04- KIRSTY:- Yeah, FBI director thought he was being pranked.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06- Perhaps he should've just maintained that line.- Yeah.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10And then Trump said, "No, no, you're fired." "Oh!"
0:21:10 > 0:21:12The FBI have an awayday?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- It helps them to bond together. - Yeah.- Group morale.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Mulder and Scully going through a kind of an assault course together.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23- No, it's like his lot on Homeland. - Yeah.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25They go down to Centre Parcs.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27It's quite shocking, isn't it?
0:21:27 > 0:21:30It's doubly shocking because he's replaced him with Melania Trump.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32LAUGHTER
0:21:32 > 0:21:34No, she'd lock him up!
0:21:34 > 0:21:35LAUGHTER
0:21:37 > 0:21:39I have no evidence for that!
0:21:42 > 0:21:45What was the official reason for the shock dismissal of James Comey?
0:21:45 > 0:21:46Because he's bad at his job.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49"He's so bad at his job that I am still the President."
0:21:52 > 0:21:55"He's failed to catch me! How bad is he?"
0:21:57 > 0:21:59What has Donald Trump written in his letter to James Comey?
0:21:59 > 0:22:02- What did he write?- Is that where he said, "You're terminated"?
0:22:02 > 0:22:04- That's right.- It's like being on The Apprentice, isn't it?
0:22:04 > 0:22:07- He just said, "You're fired." - Yeah. He said, "You're terminated."
0:22:07 > 0:22:08He was mixing up his programmes.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10- JOSH:- And then James Comey got a wheelie suitcase
0:22:10 > 0:22:12and had to walk out.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14LAUGHTER
0:22:14 > 0:22:18Had to sit in a taxi, and go, "I thought I did well, actually!"
0:22:18 > 0:22:19LAUGHTER
0:22:21 > 0:22:24And let's just remind ourselves of the President's signature.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Absolutely nothing unhinged in that.
0:22:31 > 0:22:32If that was on a life-support machine
0:22:32 > 0:22:34you'd be in trouble, wouldn't you?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37LAUGHTER
0:22:37 > 0:22:40How did the White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer try to avoid
0:22:40 > 0:22:42reporters' questions?
0:22:42 > 0:22:45He hid in the bushes while he talked to some members of the press.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47- Oh, you're kidding. - Yeah. No, it's true.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49They are completely nuts.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54Sean Spicer actually hid in some bushes in the White House garden
0:22:54 > 0:22:56and only agreed to answer questions
0:22:56 > 0:22:58if the cameramen turned out their lights.
0:23:01 > 0:23:02Are they doing Halloween 4?
0:23:02 > 0:23:04This is true!
0:23:04 > 0:23:07This is actual truth. After carrying this story, the Washington Post then
0:23:07 > 0:23:09published this correction.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Trying to make out he was talking to two Bushes,
0:23:31 > 0:23:33ex-President Bush and the other President Bush.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39What did we learn about Donald Trump's exercise routine this week?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41- That he doesn't have one. - That's right.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42- He doesn't do any.- No.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44He believes that in order to live longer
0:23:44 > 0:23:47we should not do any exercise.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49This is good news.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51LAUGHTER
0:23:51 > 0:23:53APPLAUSE
0:23:57 > 0:23:59According to the New Yorker...
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Oh, God.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14- This is the President of the United States.- Yeah.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Finally, there's been some more shock news on the jobs front.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Anyone know who's resigned this week?
0:24:19 > 0:24:21It's actually Marlene McGregory from Glasgow,
0:24:21 > 0:24:25who's quit her job as a cleaner with this resignation letter.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28IN A SCOTTISH ACCENT: "Dear Mr MacGillivray.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30"Notice of termination of employment.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32"The job's crap and I'm leaving.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35"I'll no' be back after June 30th.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38"Cannae wait. Good luck in getting some other mug to clean your place.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40"Cheerio, Marlene."
0:24:40 > 0:24:42APPLAUSE
0:24:45 > 0:24:47That was my off-the-cuff Scottish accent.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50I didn't think this show would end up with me accusing you of racism.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52LAUGHTER
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Now, in other overseas news,
0:24:56 > 0:24:59anyone want to say anything about the outcome of the French election?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01No, I'm all right. Cheers.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Some people were surprised, weren't they?
0:25:03 > 0:25:05- They thought it was going to be closer than it was.- Yeah.
0:25:05 > 0:25:09Yeah, well, the polls said that Macron would win and he did,
0:25:09 > 0:25:10which is incredible...
0:25:10 > 0:25:11LAUGHTER
0:25:11 > 0:25:13..cos they haven't got anything right for years.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Emmanuel Macron has been elected President of France.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20His new chief economic adviser is Jean Pisani-Ferry.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23LAUGHTER
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Which is also the traditional way to round off a booze cruise to Calais.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31This, of course, is the controversial sacking
0:25:31 > 0:25:33of FBI chief James Comey.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36The decision to sack Mr Comey came from the very top -
0:25:36 > 0:25:37Vladimir Putin.
0:25:39 > 0:25:40Here's the next one.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49- KIRSTY:- Swearing is really, really good for you.- Is it?
0:25:49 > 0:25:51- Swear now.- Oh, no. I couldn't possibly.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55This is... Yeah, this is the news that swearing makes you stronger.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57- Really?- Now, what did scientists at Keele University
0:25:57 > 0:25:59get people to do to test this?
0:25:59 > 0:26:02- To do it when they were trying to open an avocado.- No.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06They got 29 people to pedal as fast as they could for 30 seconds...
0:26:06 > 0:26:10- Yeah.- ..once while swearing and once while saying a neutral word.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13They then did the same with 50 people squeezing a handgrip.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16How much did the swearing boost performance? How much do you think?
0:26:16 > 0:26:17- 3%.- Ooh, 9%.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19- 85.- JOSH:- 24.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21A fuck of a lot.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26APPLAUSE
0:26:26 > 0:26:28- Do you know what? I felt the strength.- KIRSTY:- Yeah.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30- JOSH:- It's like sitting next to Popeye.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36They found that the grip strength of participants rose 8.2%
0:26:36 > 0:26:39- whilst swearing. - 8.2, that's amazing.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Whilst cyclists produced...
0:26:44 > 0:26:47What particular swear words were the participants asked to use
0:26:47 > 0:26:49- for the experiment? JOSH:- Oh, can we?- KIRSTY:- Oh, no.- Yeah.
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Can we? Damn.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55- JOSH:- I never thought I'd hear you say that on TV, Kirsty.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Is it...? It's not, it's not the big one, is it?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01- What's the big one? - No, I'm not going to tell you
0:27:01 > 0:27:05what the big one is, David. My mum might be watching.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08She MIGHT be watching? She's not that keen on you, then.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11- KIRSTY:- Are you going to say it, David?- No, it didn't matter.
0:27:11 > 0:27:12- It didn't matter.- It didn't matter.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14All participants were asked...
0:27:16 > 0:27:20Whilst with a neutral word, participants were asked to use...
0:27:23 > 0:27:25What other neutral words could there be?
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Blancmange.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31- Most words are fairly neutral.- Yep.
0:27:31 > 0:27:32Lib Dem.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the next one.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42BUZZER
0:27:42 > 0:27:43I don't know what this is,
0:27:43 > 0:27:46but that's what they used to call a hobbyhorse, isn't it,
0:27:46 > 0:27:48so this must be some sort of hobbyhorse racing?
0:27:48 > 0:27:50- That's right.- Is it?- Yes.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53This is the news that hobbyhorsing is the latest craze
0:27:53 > 0:27:55to hit the Finnish teens.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Shall we have a look at a bit of hobbyhorsing?
0:27:57 > 0:27:59- Yeah, absolutely.- Let's do it.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12APPLAUSE
0:28:12 > 0:28:16Now if a sport ever needed to be drug tested, it's that one.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Very bleak footage where one of them falls
0:28:20 > 0:28:22and they have to put a curtain around the hobbyhorse.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Are there no horses in Finland?
0:28:26 > 0:28:28No! It's actually estimated that
0:28:28 > 0:28:31there are more than 10,000 people hobbyhorsing in Finland
0:28:31 > 0:28:33- and 200 people... - Who's estimated that, Diane Abbott?
0:28:33 > 0:28:37LAUGHTER
0:28:38 > 0:28:42200 people competed in the national championships recently.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44What is the Finnish for hobbyhorse?
0:28:44 > 0:28:46- IN FINNISH ACCENT:- Hobbyhorse.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51That's how much we know about Finland, isn't it?
0:28:51 > 0:28:52It might be right.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55Do you think Kirsty was ever in The Killing?
0:28:56 > 0:28:59Let's have a quick game of Don't Be An Idiom.
0:28:59 > 0:29:02What is the origin of the hobbyhorse?
0:29:02 > 0:29:05I think it's before we had horses, wasn't it?
0:29:05 > 0:29:07Because you wouldn't bother with that
0:29:07 > 0:29:08if there was a real horse over there!
0:29:08 > 0:29:12You wouldn't bother with a stick and stick his head on it, would you?
0:29:12 > 0:29:13That would be perverse.
0:29:13 > 0:29:16In the 1400s, it was a small horse,
0:29:16 > 0:29:19- then it became a horse costume worn by Morris dancers.- Yeah.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22- KIRSTY:- Bloody Morris dancers! - Let's have a look.
0:29:22 > 0:29:23There he is.
0:29:23 > 0:29:25Does my arse look big in this?
0:29:27 > 0:29:30What did a recent documentary reveal about hobbyhorsers?
0:29:31 > 0:29:33That they're lonely?
0:29:33 > 0:29:36The actual answer is they're not as mad as you think.
0:29:37 > 0:29:38One said...
0:29:41 > 0:29:43No.
0:29:50 > 0:29:53Having said that, they do give their hobbyhorses names such as...
0:29:55 > 0:29:57What would you call your hobbyhorse, Paul?
0:29:57 > 0:29:59Mrs Williams.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02Josh?
0:30:02 > 0:30:04I didn't expect this. Erm...
0:30:04 > 0:30:06- That's a rubbish name. - I have to say,
0:30:06 > 0:30:09Mrs Williams was only my second choice, I panicked.
0:30:09 > 0:30:13- No, I'll go with I Didn't Expect This.- I Didn't Expect This.
0:30:13 > 0:30:15- Ian?- Southern Rail Are Useless.
0:30:15 > 0:30:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:22 > 0:30:23In other young person news,
0:30:23 > 0:30:26what unusual means of transport did one girl take
0:30:26 > 0:30:28to get to her prom this week?
0:30:28 > 0:30:29Hovercraft?
0:30:29 > 0:30:31- Did she arrive on a... - Magic unicorn.
0:30:31 > 0:30:33..North Korean ballistic missile?
0:30:35 > 0:30:38Which was faulty, only got as far as the bus depot.
0:30:38 > 0:30:40Let's actually have a look.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49CHEERING
0:30:51 > 0:30:53- KIRSTY: I don't like that.- No.
0:30:53 > 0:30:56- JOSH:- Oh, yep. If they'd crashed on the way...
0:30:58 > 0:31:00This is the latest craze to hit Finland.
0:31:00 > 0:31:03It's such an obsession with Finnish girls
0:31:03 > 0:31:05that they are out on their hobbyhorses from dawn till dusk.
0:31:05 > 0:31:08That's a whole hour. LAUGHTER
0:31:11 > 0:31:14According to one enthusiast, hobbyhorsing has a feminist agenda,
0:31:14 > 0:31:16especially if during a race
0:31:16 > 0:31:19one of the other girls throws herself in front of your horse.
0:31:20 > 0:31:23Now it's time for the Odd One Out round.
0:31:23 > 0:31:28Li Liangwei, Reza Parastesh, Charlie Chaplin and Christopher Hayward.
0:31:28 > 0:31:29BUZZER
0:31:29 > 0:31:32Right, it's got to be lookalikes, I know that,
0:31:32 > 0:31:33because the guy in the top left
0:31:33 > 0:31:36is China's premier Donald Trump impersonator.
0:31:36 > 0:31:40It makes you wonder, the people that turn up if he can't do the gig.
0:31:41 > 0:31:44That's obviously Jeremy Corbyn. It's a very good look...
0:31:44 > 0:31:46I'm assuming it's a lookalike of Jeremy Corbyn down there.
0:31:46 > 0:31:50Charlie Chaplin, he had lookalikes cashing in on his fame
0:31:50 > 0:31:52while he was making films, is it about lookalikes?
0:31:52 > 0:31:54Which is the odd one out?
0:31:54 > 0:31:56- Charlie Chaplin.- Charlie Chaplin's the odd one out
0:31:56 > 0:31:58cos he's not a lookalike of himself.
0:31:58 > 0:31:59That's absolutely right.
0:31:59 > 0:32:02They are all successful lookalikes apart from Charlie Chaplin,
0:32:02 > 0:32:05who, despite inspiring countless lookalikes,
0:32:05 > 0:32:07was originally told to change his trademark look
0:32:07 > 0:32:08as it would never be a success.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11Yeah. He had to get rid of his moustache in 1913...
0:32:11 > 0:32:12- Who by?- Hitler.
0:32:15 > 0:32:17In a newly discovered letter
0:32:17 > 0:32:20- written by bosses of the film studio Universal in 1912...- Oh, '12.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23..it suggested that Charlie Chaplin should lose his name
0:32:23 > 0:32:26and his moustache and change his hat to a beret.
0:32:28 > 0:32:30He didn't invent the costume until 1913,
0:32:30 > 0:32:32so how was the letter written in 1912?
0:32:32 > 0:32:34Well, maybe they were just looking at his act.
0:32:34 > 0:32:38- Yeah, yeah, yes, I'll let it go. - There was...
0:32:38 > 0:32:40LAUGHTER
0:32:40 > 0:32:42Being a lookalike can be a dangerous business,
0:32:42 > 0:32:46as Iranian student Reza Parastesh found out this week.
0:32:46 > 0:32:49Who is Reza the absolute spitting image of?
0:32:49 > 0:32:50He's Lionel Messi.
0:32:50 > 0:32:51Yes, that's the one.
0:32:51 > 0:32:54It's Barcelona star football player Lionel Messi.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57- It's uncanny.- Unbelievable, that. - KIRSTY:- Amazing.
0:32:57 > 0:33:01- JOSH:- That's... That's just Lionel Messi!
0:33:01 > 0:33:04He's going, "Do you know what? I bet I could make an extra £100
0:33:04 > 0:33:06"as a lookalike of myself."
0:33:06 > 0:33:07He looks so much like Messi,
0:33:07 > 0:33:10he causes traffic chaos in his home city of Iran.
0:33:10 > 0:33:13Reza's father takes his son's similarities to Messi to heart.
0:33:13 > 0:33:16Anyone know what his father did when Messi scored a winning goal
0:33:16 > 0:33:19against Iran in the 2014 World Cup?
0:33:19 > 0:33:21- Threw him out of the house or something like that?- Exactly right.
0:33:21 > 0:33:25He banned him from the house. LAUGHTER
0:33:32 > 0:33:35Having joined a lookalike agency, Reza Parastesh,
0:33:35 > 0:33:38the Iranian Messi, is now getting a lot of bookings.
0:33:38 > 0:33:40In fact, last week he was sent off.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45Now, Li Liangwei is China's only Donald Trump impersonator.
0:33:45 > 0:33:47So is he making a living from this?
0:33:47 > 0:33:50Apparently. Now what criticism of his impersonation
0:33:50 > 0:33:52does Li Liangwei agree with?
0:33:52 > 0:33:54He doesn't look like him. He doesn't sound like him.
0:33:54 > 0:33:56He makes no attempt to appear like him?
0:33:58 > 0:34:01He doesn't even know who Donald Trump is?
0:34:01 > 0:34:04He admits that he looks absolutely nothing like Donald Trump.
0:34:04 > 0:34:08But what is the one aspect of Trump that Li thinks he's got down to a T?
0:34:08 > 0:34:10Hand gestures? All the hand stuff.
0:34:10 > 0:34:13It's actually Trump's thumbs up gesture,
0:34:13 > 0:34:15which his agent says is spot-on.
0:34:19 > 0:34:21Let's compare the two.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24Now there isn't a single thing about him that looks like
0:34:24 > 0:34:27the President of the United States, is there?
0:34:27 > 0:34:29But unbelievably, that's what Donald Trump is.
0:34:30 > 0:34:32LAUGHTER
0:34:32 > 0:34:34Anyone want to see a Chinese pheasant
0:34:34 > 0:34:36that looks more like Donald Trump
0:34:36 > 0:34:38- than the Chinese Donald Trump lookalike?- Yes, please.- Um...
0:34:38 > 0:34:40- yeah.- Well, here it is.
0:34:43 > 0:34:47APPLAUSE
0:34:47 > 0:34:50Now, what links North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un
0:34:50 > 0:34:53and an unobservant mum in Derby?
0:34:53 > 0:34:56A refusal to watch ITV.
0:34:56 > 0:34:58Jake tweeted this.
0:35:06 > 0:35:07Here it is.
0:35:07 > 0:35:09LAUGHTER
0:35:11 > 0:35:14- JOSH:- That is amazing. - KIRSTY:- That is hilarious.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16Now it's time for the Missing Words round,
0:35:16 > 0:35:19which this week features as its guest publication Up Yer Kilt.
0:35:22 > 0:35:25- Do you know this?- No. - I subscribe.- Do you?
0:35:26 > 0:35:28- JOSH:- Page Three is harrowing.
0:35:32 > 0:35:36Which is a Scottish metal-detecting magazine.
0:35:36 > 0:35:38What are you going to find up there?
0:35:42 > 0:35:45That's why you need a special detector.
0:35:45 > 0:35:46And we start with...
0:35:50 > 0:35:52Is it marry a supermodel?
0:35:53 > 0:35:55- JOSH:- Admit it's all a bit far-fetched?
0:35:55 > 0:35:57LAUGHTER
0:35:59 > 0:36:02APPLAUSE
0:36:02 > 0:36:06The answer is...
0:36:06 > 0:36:07Oh!
0:36:07 > 0:36:09The Pope has appeared in a new film
0:36:09 > 0:36:12which will premiere at the Cannes Film Festival next week.
0:36:12 > 0:36:14The Pontiff's acting was praised
0:36:14 > 0:36:17but he did annoy the director a bit when he started his scene by saying
0:36:17 > 0:36:21"Let there be lights, camera, action."
0:36:21 > 0:36:23Next...
0:36:25 > 0:36:29- JOSH:- "Anything more fashionable than Crocs at funerals."
0:36:29 > 0:36:32- KIRSTY:- "Dead more fashionable than alive at funerals."
0:36:32 > 0:36:33Mm-hm, that's a good one.
0:36:33 > 0:36:36The actual answer is...
0:36:38 > 0:36:42There's a growing trend for themed funerals.
0:36:42 > 0:36:44Even football clubs are getting involved.
0:36:44 > 0:36:45According to the Independent...
0:36:50 > 0:36:53Plus a load of fans who turn up and shout, "Get it in the box!"
0:36:55 > 0:36:57Next...
0:36:59 > 0:37:02The hours, the loneliness...
0:37:02 > 0:37:04The fact that you don't trust anybody...
0:37:04 > 0:37:06Do they love you or just your collection of metal?
0:37:06 > 0:37:08The actual answer is...
0:37:11 > 0:37:13- Yes!- KIRSTY:- Oh, yes.
0:37:13 > 0:37:16It's a real shame, every time they bury their differences,
0:37:16 > 0:37:19some idiot digs them up again. LAUGHTER
0:37:19 > 0:37:20Next...
0:37:24 > 0:37:27- JOSH:- Oh, it's the drum solo from the Dairy Milk advert.
0:37:29 > 0:37:31- I was amazed at that.- Yeah.
0:37:31 > 0:37:33Actually, it's...
0:37:33 > 0:37:36Here's a picture of the animal mid-performance
0:37:36 > 0:37:38- in the Devonshire zoo. JOSH:- Oh, wow.
0:37:38 > 0:37:41Sadly this piece didn't actually feature in the Sun newspaper,
0:37:41 > 0:37:43as they'd just sacked their gorilla expert.
0:37:46 > 0:37:48Next...
0:37:51 > 0:37:53"Ironically, I couldn't find my car keys."
0:37:55 > 0:37:58- JOSH:- Craig David misjudged the tone.
0:38:04 > 0:38:06Oh.
0:38:06 > 0:38:09That's not much of a Big Metal Detecting weekend to me!
0:38:09 > 0:38:10Next...
0:38:12 > 0:38:16- KIRSTY:- "Woman fails driving test after ejecting."
0:38:16 > 0:38:18- She pressed the eject button, did she?- Yeah.
0:38:18 > 0:38:20The actual answer is...
0:38:24 > 0:38:27- Wow.- This week, a learner driver from Birmingham was pulled over
0:38:27 > 0:38:29by police and informed her instructor's car
0:38:29 > 0:38:32was suspected of being uninsured.
0:38:32 > 0:38:35The learner first realised something was wrong when the examiner said,
0:38:35 > 0:38:36"I'd now like you to...
0:38:36 > 0:38:38"PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN AND SHAKE OFF THE FILTH!"
0:38:42 > 0:38:44Next...
0:38:46 > 0:38:49- JOSH:- Buried underground with no means of detecting them.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54The actual answer is...
0:38:56 > 0:39:00This is part of an Up Yer Kilt interview
0:39:00 > 0:39:02with metal detectorist Stuart Gardner.
0:39:02 > 0:39:04Stuart works as a postman,
0:39:04 > 0:39:06the sort of person you'd expect to be good
0:39:06 > 0:39:09at finding coins and valuables that people have carefully hidden away.
0:39:12 > 0:39:15And finally...
0:39:17 > 0:39:21- JOSH:- "FBI chief dragged mercilessly offstage for doing his job
0:39:21 > 0:39:23"mid-performance."
0:39:23 > 0:39:26"Attention-seeking gorilla dragged mercilessly offstage
0:39:26 > 0:39:31"for forgetting the words to Give Me A Man At Midnight mid-performance."
0:39:31 > 0:39:34- I'd like to see that.- So would I, have you got a clip for it?
0:39:34 > 0:39:36Where do we look?
0:39:36 > 0:39:38It's actually...
0:39:42 > 0:39:47At the Pokemon World Festival, one Pikachu's costume started to deflate
0:39:47 > 0:39:50midway through the big dance performance. Let's have a look.
0:39:50 > 0:39:52MUSIC: You Can't Stop The Beat from Hairspray
0:40:11 > 0:40:13- APPLAUSE - Brilliant.
0:40:13 > 0:40:17So the final scores are Paul and Kirsty with nine points,
0:40:17 > 0:40:20and Ian and Josh with five points.
0:40:20 > 0:40:22APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:40:22 > 0:40:24No, you have. Very, very badly.
0:40:24 > 0:40:25I'm very sorry!
0:40:27 > 0:40:29I thought we could do it.
0:40:29 > 0:40:33But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:40:33 > 0:40:37Ian and Josh, you have this.
0:40:37 > 0:40:40"I didn't believe people that said dogs look like their owners."
0:40:42 > 0:40:46- KIRSTY:- "This doesn't look like my hobbyhorse."
0:40:46 > 0:40:48Paul and Kirsty, you get this.
0:40:49 > 0:40:51Oh, it's an open-and-shut case.
0:40:53 > 0:40:55APPLAUSE
0:40:56 > 0:40:58On which note, we say thank you to our panellists -
0:40:58 > 0:41:01Ian Hislop and Josh Widdicombe, Paul Merton and Kirsty Wark -
0:41:01 > 0:41:04and I leave you with news that Buckingham Palace denies reports
0:41:04 > 0:41:07that Prince Philip's decision to retire from royal duties
0:41:07 > 0:41:09may have been due to his failing eyesight.
0:41:14 > 0:41:17As tensions rise on the border of North and South Korea,
0:41:17 > 0:41:20Kim's troops line up every weapon available.
0:41:23 > 0:41:27And as the number of avocado-related accidents increase,
0:41:27 > 0:41:29there's also evidence of the terrible injuries
0:41:29 > 0:41:31that can be inflicted when slicing a red pepper.
0:41:34 > 0:41:36Goodnight.
0:41:36 > 0:41:38APPLAUSE