0:00:29 > 0:00:37This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I'm Frankie Boyle. In the news this week, in central London,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46BBC arts editor Will Gompertz struggles with
0:00:46 > 0:00:49the weight of his massive frontal lobe.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00In Durham, Mike Ashley regrets getting a zero-hours worker
0:01:00 > 0:01:02from Sports Direct to set up his water slide.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13And, having been home for almost a year, there are signs that
0:01:13 > 0:01:17astronaut Tim Peake is still struggling to adapt to normal life.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25On Ian's team tonight is an actress and comedian
0:01:25 > 0:01:28who performs in a Radio Wales sketch show,
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Die Laughing...is the name of the producer.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32Please welcome Cariad Lloyd.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:38 > 0:01:39APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:01:39 > 0:01:42And with Paul tonight is Gyles Brandreth,
0:01:42 > 0:01:43a friend of Prince Philip.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Philip says the friendship has helped him to welcome old age,
0:01:46 > 0:01:50as he's looking forward to forgetting who Gyles is.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Please welcome Gyles Brandreth.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:58 > 0:02:00And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01Ian and Cariad, take a look at this.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Tim Farron, it's the manifesto.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Theresa May, that's another manifesto.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Corbyn, that's dead.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12That's the last Labour voter he's talking to.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- Everyone's released their manifestos.- It's manifesto week -
0:02:16 > 0:02:19like Fashion Week but less interesting.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20At least the manifestos have come out,
0:02:20 > 0:02:23cos they were dripping out one boring policy a day.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Like a kind of diabetic advent calendar.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31You see things in such positive terms, Frankie.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33That is one of my more positive jokes.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Theresa May, with that fake photo that they had, the bus,
0:02:37 > 0:02:40a huge crowd of people, there was actually about 30 people,
0:02:40 > 0:02:42outside the bus that was used on the Remain campaign -
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- it's got the same number plate. Did you know that?- Well, excellent.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Recycling!
0:02:48 > 0:02:50She's got the Ukip vote, she's got the Labour vote,
0:02:50 > 0:02:52she's got the Green vote, now!
0:02:53 > 0:02:57- I'll give her that. - Do manifestos have much point?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00British people generally vote for leaders, don't they?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02At the moment, they're going,
0:03:02 > 0:03:04"Who would lead us if we are all stranded on a desert island?"
0:03:04 > 0:03:06and they know that Theresa May
0:03:06 > 0:03:09would have us eating the wounded by nightfall.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11And Corbyn would be hosting a two-hour meeting
0:03:11 > 0:03:14about whether or not coconuts have feelings.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Isn't the argument that a lot of Theresa May's policies
0:03:18 > 0:03:19are Ed Miliband's old policies?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Theresa Miliband.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Who is this appalling Marxist?
0:03:24 > 0:03:26- Chairman May.- Chairman May!
0:03:29 > 0:03:30I've stood in two elections. And...
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Really, Gyles...?
0:03:33 > 0:03:38I have to tell you, I've not met a member of the voting public
0:03:38 > 0:03:40who has ever read a manifesto.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42I certainly didn't trouble myself.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Feeling that the broad brush approach is what we need,
0:03:47 > 0:03:50and I think that's really... If I were Theresa May,
0:03:50 > 0:03:51I would not have bothered with this.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54She's got a very good "strong and stable government", lovely line,
0:03:54 > 0:03:57nobody out there ever reads the manifesto.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Gyles, you went round a few doors, knocked on them, and, quite rightly,
0:04:00 > 0:04:02the people pretended not to be in.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Including, sadly, your own house.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08I would put it to you, Gyles,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11saying "strong and stable" over and over again
0:04:11 > 0:04:14isn't a strong and stable thing to do.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17So, you know...
0:04:17 > 0:04:19APPLAUSE
0:04:19 > 0:04:23I'm sure you watched the build-up to the Anthony Joshua-Klitschko fight.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Watched it? I lived it!
0:04:27 > 0:04:29He was in one of the supporting bouts.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32They were incredibly eloquent in the build-up to that fight.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35It wasn't like a normal fight, they didn't trash talk each other,
0:04:35 > 0:04:37they were both very articulate guys.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41That's a better quality of debate than we've had in the election.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45I mean, you, then, obviously, would have enjoyed the election when
0:04:45 > 0:04:47we had the Deputy Prime Minister hitting people in the street?
0:04:47 > 0:04:49That's your kind of election, do you remember?
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Remember when Labour could win an election
0:04:51 > 0:04:53after one of them punched a member of the public?!
0:04:53 > 0:04:56LAUGHTER
0:04:56 > 0:04:58This is why, really, a manifesto is not necessary,
0:04:58 > 0:05:01because the odds seem to be in Mrs May's favour.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03She also has that lovely husband. So they're a marvellous double act.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05She has a lovely husband?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07So why does she keep bringing out this one, then?
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Why is she doing so well, May?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Have you seen the opposition, Frankie?
0:05:15 > 0:05:16I don't think anybody has.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20Theresa May looks like if the colour grey didn't care
0:05:20 > 0:05:21if you lived or died.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27APPLAUSE
0:05:27 > 0:05:31Again, I think she's trying to extend her appeal beyond...
0:05:31 > 0:05:32you.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38OK, there was bad news and good news for the elderly needing care
0:05:38 > 0:05:40- in their own home.- Oh, yeah. - What was it?
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- CARIAD:- The value of your house will now be taken into account...
0:05:43 > 0:05:45when it comes to working out whether you deserve...
0:05:45 > 0:05:47whether you can be eligible for social care.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50- GYLES:- You can keep £100,000 worth of your house.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54What house is worth... Especially in London, literally, that is a shed.
0:05:54 > 0:05:55Like...
0:05:55 > 0:05:57This programme goes out to other regions.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03- GYLES:- The essence of it is social care will be paid somehow,
0:06:03 > 0:06:08and it's going to be paid for by your house, in the long term.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11You and your partner can live in the house while you're alive,
0:06:11 > 0:06:13but the moment you are dead, out, out!
0:06:13 > 0:06:16And let's sell the house and bring the money in,
0:06:16 > 0:06:18that's the essence of it.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Is it another of those policies that presumably are going to really worry
0:06:21 > 0:06:24some of the papers who'd like to support Mrs May,
0:06:24 > 0:06:26it's an attack on old, rich people. Which, on the whole...
0:06:26 > 0:06:29This is why we should have stuck with strong and stable.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30..they vote Conservative.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Sorry, Gyles, we can't both talk together.
0:06:32 > 0:06:33No, no...
0:06:33 > 0:06:35It's a coalition of chaos.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- I'm simply trying to talk over you. - Oh. Right!
0:06:43 > 0:06:47Sensible candidates spend a lot of time in the old folks home,
0:06:47 > 0:06:49because there the people are, waiting to meet you,
0:06:49 > 0:06:52lined up against the wall, gazing in the same direction...
0:06:52 > 0:06:56LAUGHTER
0:06:56 > 0:06:58And you come with a local photographer, you come after lunch,
0:06:58 > 0:06:59they're dozing fitfully,
0:06:59 > 0:07:01you position yourself halfway down the line.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05When the photographer is ready, you go... They wake up, eyes open.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09Photograph is taken. There you are, you've visited the old people.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Broad brush. Strong and stable government.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Fingers on buzzers.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Let's see if you can tell me what revealing answers Theresa May
0:07:19 > 0:07:21gave to a series of quickfire questions
0:07:21 > 0:07:22put to her by the Sunday Times.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26Question was Sherlock or Midsomer Murders?
0:07:26 > 0:07:28- BELL - She likes both.
0:07:28 > 0:07:29"I've watched both."
0:07:31 > 0:07:32She's not stupid, you know.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Broadchurch or Line Of Duty?
0:07:35 > 0:07:36BELL
0:07:36 > 0:07:37Both.
0:07:37 > 0:07:38Neither.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42"I haven't watched either." Merkel or Macron?
0:07:42 > 0:07:43BELL
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Both, "I'm looking forward to working with them."
0:07:45 > 0:07:46Almost exactly that.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50I could be a politician, it's incredibly easy.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53I mean, even Gyles did it...
0:07:55 > 0:07:59The Daily Telegraph made a similar attempt to make her appear human
0:07:59 > 0:08:01and normal, by asking her which Harry Potter character
0:08:01 > 0:08:03she most resembled. BUZZER
0:08:03 > 0:08:06She has read, she claims, all the Harry Potter books.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09I don't know if she's seen the movies, but she wouldn't
0:08:09 > 0:08:10be drawn on which one she wanted to be...
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- CARIAD:- She's Malfoy and she knows it.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19She's not Malfoy.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Those are the posh boys she's just replaced.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25She's maybe Thatcher's final horcrux.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- I'd watch that. - What she replied was...
0:08:42 > 0:08:44I'm sure she does read them -
0:08:44 > 0:08:46over a Tannoy into a dungeon.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Theresa May is sticking to her pledge to reduce immigration
0:08:53 > 0:08:56to below 100,000. Why is this surprising?
0:08:56 > 0:08:57BUZZER
0:08:58 > 0:09:01It's surprising because the pledge has been made twice before
0:09:01 > 0:09:03and has been not successful before.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05And it's almost impossible to achieve
0:09:05 > 0:09:06and do we really want to achieve it anyway,
0:09:06 > 0:09:09because the country would grind to a halt if we didn't
0:09:09 > 0:09:11have people from overseas to do all the jobs we don't want to do.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14You really HAVEN'T read the Tory manifesto!
0:09:14 > 0:09:16It's tens of thousands, it's meant to be down to.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18- CARIAD:- Which isn't possible. - Not hundreds.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Below 100,000 was her target she failed to meet six times
0:09:21 > 0:09:22when she was Home Secretary.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25The Evening Standard described her decision as...
0:09:27 > 0:09:29That's pretty good, coming from Osborne!
0:09:31 > 0:09:34How did Shadow Foreign Secretary Emily Thornberry
0:09:34 > 0:09:36liven up the Andrew Marr Show?
0:09:36 > 0:09:37BELL Let's have a look.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40There's an election on and people need to make decisions...
0:09:40 > 0:09:41You received them...
0:09:41 > 0:09:43You've just said, for example,
0:09:43 > 0:09:46that I want to negotiate the future of the Falklands.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48That is bollocks.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53It was like the way Les Dawson used to do it.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55"Bollocks."
0:09:55 > 0:09:59Unite boss Len McCluskey had some encouraging words for Jeremy Corbyn,
0:09:59 > 0:10:01what were they? BUZZER
0:10:01 > 0:10:04He said, we haven't got a chance. He said, we have 200 seats left,
0:10:04 > 0:10:07that'll be it, we won't win, we've got no chance at all.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11He said 200 seats would be Labour's worst result since 1935,
0:10:11 > 0:10:14and that would be regarded as a success for Jeremy Corbyn.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17But then he said he had changed his mind and became much more
0:10:17 > 0:10:19optimistic now that he had seen the manifesto.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Although it turns out the previous conversation happened
0:10:22 > 0:10:24after the manifesto had been published.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26This is the mistake, you see, politicians make -
0:10:26 > 0:10:27saying anything at all.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33You seem to be saying "don't say anything" at incredible length.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38APPLAUSE
0:10:40 > 0:10:41There is a reason for that...
0:10:41 > 0:10:44There is a reason for that.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45The last time I appeared on the show,
0:10:45 > 0:10:48I didn't actually appear in the 30-minute version at all.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55So I thought this time, I would chip in now and again and hope...
0:10:55 > 0:10:56Every time it cut to Gyles,
0:10:56 > 0:11:00they would just show a picture of tropical fish.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03What did Diane Abbott opt to do when the time came for
0:11:03 > 0:11:06her weekly display of incompetence? BUZZER
0:11:06 > 0:11:08- Is this when she walked into the wall?- Yes, she did.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11After concluding her speech at the Police Federation's annual
0:11:11 > 0:11:14conference, she made her exit while we look here.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Diane Abbott. Thank you very much indeed.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26LAUGHTER
0:11:27 > 0:11:29- GYLES:- Aw.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31I have...a genuine sympathy with her.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34She is my sort of politician. She can't remember numbers...
0:11:34 > 0:11:36- What, you mean...? - ..she walks into brick walls...
0:11:36 > 0:11:39It is slightly unfair, isn't it?
0:11:39 > 0:11:43Diane Abbott makes a mistake about police numbers, completely hopeless,
0:11:43 > 0:11:46can't remember it, meant to be Shadow Home Secretary.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Theresa May was Home Secretary, said she would bring immigration down
0:11:49 > 0:11:52to the tens of thousands and never did, for years.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54And now it's 300,000.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57I mean, that's 300,000 as opposed to 10,000.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00It's a pretty major mess-up with figures.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03And she has now said, I may have never done before,
0:12:03 > 0:12:05but now, I am going to do it.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06The aspiration continues.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09- Yes, believe me. - Absolutely.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11This is why these manifestos...
0:12:11 > 0:12:12We are just proving it, time and again.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Don't get bogged down in the figures.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Broad brush, that's what we want.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18What was wrong with the design
0:12:18 > 0:12:21of Labour candidate Roger Godsiff's campaign leaflet?
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Did he misspell the constituency, or his own name?
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- It was beyond that.- Beyond that? - Shall we have a wee look?
0:12:34 > 0:12:38"Unwanted, unnecessary and opportunistic."
0:12:38 > 0:12:41You asked for honesty from your politicians.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Anything else catch your eye in the various manifestos?
0:12:45 > 0:12:46They're full of good ideas -
0:12:46 > 0:12:48unlike Gyles, I thought they were terrific.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50They're a lot of the same ideas.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54This is cos we're all now, broadly speaking, in the middle ground.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Little Tim Farron, looking like Daddy Woodentop.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03He's allowing us to get high on the weed, that's lovely.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05- CARIAD:- Somebody make a gif of that immediately -
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Gyles Brandreth going "high on the weed."
0:13:09 > 0:13:11I've kind of got addicted to watching Tim Farron.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13He's incredible.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15He's like a sort of trendy vicar.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19"OK, we're having a meeting at the youth club tomorrow,
0:13:19 > 0:13:22"we're going to have a workshop on how to act normal around gays."
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Did anyone see the BBC's Ben Brown
0:13:33 > 0:13:36cup a woman's breast while talking to Norman Smith on Tuesday?
0:13:36 > 0:13:37- No.- Let's have a look.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Already, there's some uncertainty
0:13:39 > 0:13:41about what he was saying on benefits.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43- WOMAN:- Absolutely fantastic.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Just give us one second.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49Jeremy Corbyn was asked whether he would end the freeze...
0:13:49 > 0:13:51And the BBC has spent years
0:13:51 > 0:13:53trying to get away from this kind of thing.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- This is the... - Can I say, this is...?- No.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:59 > 0:14:02This is the ongoing election campaign.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Revealing that she's a diabetic,
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Theresa May has admitted she injects five times a day.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09She really is going for that Scottish vote, isn't she?
0:14:11 > 0:14:13As a father, I'll tell you what's a vote winner -
0:14:13 > 0:14:15cutting paternity leave.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Paul and Gyles, take a look at this, please.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Yes, this is a hospital...
0:14:24 > 0:14:27The computer's going down, he's very angry about it.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30There is the evil villain that's been making it all happen,
0:14:30 > 0:14:33somebody who can't afford their electricity bill.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- So, hackers. Anonymous hackers.- It's the hackers.- Are they anonymous?
0:14:36 > 0:14:37I don't know where they're from.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40We do know where they're from. They are from North Korea.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- It turns out.- Has that been proven? - Not totally proven.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48But they're not going to sue me, so...
0:14:48 > 0:14:50I think it probably is North Korea, there is something...
0:14:50 > 0:14:52LAUGHTER
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Something in the code, when it was un-hacked,
0:14:54 > 0:14:57indicated it might have been from North Korea.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59- CARIAD:- Gyles, you know way too much about this.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01I think you were involved.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05- GYLES:- Only because I did chair the Cyber Security Awards,
0:15:05 > 0:15:09quite recently. I can't tell you where, or when...
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Is that security or Alzheimer's?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Do you know what the virus was called?
0:15:16 > 0:15:17It was called WannaCry.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21It demands money before you can get your computer files back.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23It was all in BRIT-coins as well.
0:15:23 > 0:15:24- Bitcoins.- Bitcoins.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28No, no, we've left the European market. Britcoins!
0:15:30 > 0:15:33There's been a sort of failure of the government, here, hasn't there?
0:15:33 > 0:15:38They were warned at least three years ago that XP needed updating.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42But the trouble with the NHS, it spent a lot of money on IT already -
0:15:42 > 0:15:45about 12 billion - for a system that didn't work,
0:15:45 > 0:15:47so essentially it doesn't have any money left,
0:15:47 > 0:15:48so they didn't pay for the update.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50This, what happened to the NHS computers,
0:15:50 > 0:15:54happened in lots of countries to many, computer systems.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56But didn't it only happen because
0:15:56 > 0:15:58we've not upgraded the security properly,
0:15:58 > 0:16:00we've been running the NHS on Windows XP so people
0:16:00 > 0:16:04have probably been told that they're dying by a helpful paperclip.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10I like the idea that as a hacker,
0:16:10 > 0:16:13you would target, for a ransom, the NHS.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17One of the few world organisations you know doesn't have any money.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Probably given Jeremy Hunt some ideas
0:16:19 > 0:16:21about how to get money out of it!
0:16:21 > 0:16:24What must it be like being Jeremy Hunt at the moment?
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Imagine he goes into hospital,
0:16:26 > 0:16:30he'd be the first person to have a sprained wrist treated anally.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35"Sorry, Mr Hunt, this is going to involve a bit of a run-up."
0:16:37 > 0:16:39"Luckily, our computers are down,
0:16:39 > 0:16:41"so there's no record of what's about to happen to you."
0:16:43 > 0:16:44This bit of malware was stolen
0:16:44 > 0:16:48from the American National Security Association. Which is a misnomer!
0:16:48 > 0:16:50I think President Trump gave it away.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54As a gesture of goodwill towards the...
0:16:54 > 0:16:56- Russians. - ..North Koreans.
0:16:56 > 0:17:02But a young man, a 20-year-old, managed to solve it all by chance.
0:17:02 > 0:17:03Yes.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Do you know who he was and what happened?
0:17:08 > 0:17:10I do, but I'm not able to divulge that to you.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16Well, he is a 22-year-old reclusive IT consultant called Marcus,
0:17:16 > 0:17:18who lives in Devon.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Do you know how he managed to disarm the sophisticated...?
0:17:20 > 0:17:24Yes, he bought something using his own computer, actually,
0:17:24 > 0:17:29from Amazon, for £25, and inserted this programme and somehow by
0:17:29 > 0:17:31chance, it solved everything.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Which is perhaps worrying, because as a result of this,
0:17:34 > 0:17:36the North Korean rockets may take off...
0:17:36 > 0:17:38And the world may come to an end.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41So I'm really quite worried about this story.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44We have become too reliant on these computers. It's rather frightening.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47If you are in an aeroplane and suddenly the computer is hacked,
0:17:47 > 0:17:48it might fall out of the sky.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50You would be disappointed, wouldn't you?
0:17:51 > 0:17:52Very!
0:17:52 > 0:17:56Depends how far you have to walk to the airport.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Marcus Hutchins, the 22-year-old IT expert who still lives with
0:17:59 > 0:18:02his mum, has said he fears retribution and is...
0:18:04 > 0:18:05What life?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Does anyone know what the Russians have said about it?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13CARIAD SPEAKS RUSSIAN-SOUNDING GIBBERISH
0:18:13 > 0:18:14Exactly that.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19They're claiming it's not them
0:18:19 > 0:18:21cos the Russian Interior Ministry was targeted.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23- GYLES:- That was the decoy.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27You're so clever, Gyles.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31These are just things I picked up at the Cyber Security Conference.
0:18:31 > 0:18:32The Russians have said...
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Who else has been hacked this week?
0:18:37 > 0:18:39- The Europeans... - Everyone's been hacked -
0:18:39 > 0:18:41virtually everybody outside of North Korea has been hacked.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Renault.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46One of the big stories is they hacked Disney.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49They've demanded a ransom.
0:18:49 > 0:18:50Disney have said...
0:18:56 > 0:19:00..said the makers of Pirates Of The Caribbean 5.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06Some technical people have a conspiracy theory idea about
0:19:06 > 0:19:08who might be behind the attack.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10- CARIAD:- Is it North Korea, Gyles? - GYLES:- It is North Korea.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11No, get this.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Cyber security firms.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14- CARIAD:- Uh-oh!
0:19:14 > 0:19:18- What, in order to make people upgrade their systems?- Yes, yes.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Several global companies that provide internet security
0:19:21 > 0:19:24to large clients have seen their shares rocket in the last few days,
0:19:24 > 0:19:25some by as much as 8%.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28This may explain why I was paid in bitcoins.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32This is the NHS computer-hacking crisis.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35It's the biggest failure for the NHS since records began...
0:19:35 > 0:19:37at three o'clock yesterday.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Nine NHS trusts were affected.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Records were lost and people may have to wait six weeks
0:19:44 > 0:19:46to see a doctor. Amber Rudd said...
0:19:51 > 0:19:53So, at the end of round, two points each!
0:20:00 > 0:20:05And so to Round 2 and a welcome return to the Jigsaw of News.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06Fingers on the buzzer, teams.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13BUZZER
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Is it, instead of her trying to understand the dog,
0:20:15 > 0:20:17is the dog understanding her? Is that what's going on?
0:20:17 > 0:20:19This is the news that a Hungarian university
0:20:19 > 0:20:22has proved that humans can understand what dogs are saying.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23- CARIAD:- Yes.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26It's well known, we have always been able to understand what dogs say.
0:20:26 > 0:20:27That is why they are our best friend.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Well, some people got a grant and they proved it.
0:20:30 > 0:20:35We can find out by seeing if we can identify some dog emotions.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Shall we have a quick go?
0:20:40 > 0:20:44- Woof-woof? - How do you think...?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47How do you think this dog is feeling?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50DEEP GROWL
0:20:50 > 0:20:52That's a motorbike!
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Sounds aggressive.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57- GYLES:- I think it's hungry. - CARIAD:- I think it's hungry.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00- I think it is snoring. - Or it has got acid reflux?
0:21:00 > 0:21:01I'm going to give Gyles a point,
0:21:01 > 0:21:04because it is a dog protecting his food.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05Oh!
0:21:05 > 0:21:07- Mm!- The next one - this is a dog called Bruce.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10GROWLING
0:21:10 > 0:21:12That's playing.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14- Oh! - That's like, "Have a game.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15"Come on." Or, "Give me back that ball."
0:21:15 > 0:21:18He's moving from SNP to Labour.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- He's not playing - Bruce is angry... CARIAD:- Oh, no!
0:21:21 > 0:21:24..and you've just invited him to play with your face.
0:21:26 > 0:21:27In other news, what's so special...
0:21:27 > 0:21:29- "In other news"?!- Well...
0:21:31 > 0:21:34It's be a desperate week where that qualified as news.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Moving on...!
0:21:37 > 0:21:41- Yeah, sorry.- Moving on to even more important animal-related news...
0:21:41 > 0:21:43- Excellent.- Great, animal news!
0:21:43 > 0:21:45What's so special about Omar the cat?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Biggest cat in the world. Longest, tallest.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- Oh, yeah!- He's the longest!
0:21:49 > 0:21:53- He's the world's longest cat, measuring 3' 11".- There we are.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55- CARIAD:- Bloody hell.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57- GYLES:- Literally pussy galore.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02And lastly, this is Jack. Jack the cat.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03What's wrong with him?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06- GYLES:- I remember this, but I don't. - Ah.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08- CARIAD:- I think that's called not remembering, Gyles.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10That'd be a great title for an autobiography.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17The answer is, he has an incredibly deep voice.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19- Oh!- Have a listen.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21DEEP MEWING
0:22:27 > 0:22:28It's real!
0:22:28 > 0:22:32- No way.- This is the news that humans can understand what dogs are saying.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34If your dog gives a low, insistent growl,
0:22:34 > 0:22:36that means it needs some attention -
0:22:36 > 0:22:39or, if you're in Korea, it needs another half hour at gas mark six.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45All dogs want is balls to chase, balls to lick and bums to smell.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47They're the animal equivalent of John Terry.
0:22:50 > 0:22:51Fingers on the buzzers, teams.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57BUZZER
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Is this President, soon-to-be-Mr, Trump?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Once again, every time he does something,
0:23:03 > 0:23:05he just makes things worse for himself.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07They're now relieved he's going abroad for a couple of weeks,
0:23:07 > 0:23:10just to take the pressure off him being a fucking idiot.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14APPLAUSE
0:23:14 > 0:23:15- What do you think, Gyles?- Well...
0:23:15 > 0:23:17At first, I loved him - I thought the idea...
0:23:17 > 0:23:19- What did you love about him? - I loved the idea
0:23:19 > 0:23:21that Donald Duck and Woody Woodpecker had a lovechild...
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Don't tell me - you liked his manifesto, did you?
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Broad brush - I liked...
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Well, he WAS broad brush, and he got in, didn't he?
0:23:26 > 0:23:30If, as a result of his presidency, the world does indeed end,
0:23:30 > 0:23:32won't it be marvellous to think it happened in our time?
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Are they even giving him intelligence briefings any more,
0:23:38 > 0:23:41or are they just reading out episodes of Homeland or something?
0:23:42 > 0:23:45By all accounts, he has a very short attention span,
0:23:45 > 0:23:48so, in each paragraph, they actually put his name -
0:23:48 > 0:23:50- in order to arrest his eye... - CARIAD:- Yeah.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51In every paragraph of the briefing,
0:23:51 > 0:23:53they say, "..and Mr Trump," or, "President Trump,"
0:23:53 > 0:23:56and he goes, "Oh, what are they saying about me now?"
0:23:56 > 0:23:58So, he's sort of following what they...
0:23:58 > 0:24:00He seems to be obsessed with himself.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02- Like a budgerigar pecking a mirror. - Yeah.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07He might change what the word "presidential" means.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Like, in a few years, you'll be going,
0:24:09 > 0:24:11"My uncle fell over and banged his head on a kerb.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14"He's been rendered completely presidential."
0:24:16 > 0:24:18He dismissed the head of the FBI this week.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20- CARIAD:- James Comey?
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- GYLES:- Mr Comey was dismissed. - Comey over.- Because he was...
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Investigating his connections with Russia.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28And now there's an enquiry - who's been put in charge of the enquiry?
0:24:28 > 0:24:31- They've got a special prosecutor. - A former head of the FBI.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33When you open up that special prosecutor,
0:24:33 > 0:24:36there'll be another little special prosecutor, there'll be another...
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Eventually there will be a little bloke saying, "Did you do it?"
0:24:38 > 0:24:40- CARIAD:- Robert Mueller?
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Robert Mueller who was a former FBI director.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45James Comey's done something to get his revenge on Trump.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47- Any ideas?- He has produced his memo.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49- He kept a memorandum. - Yes, he took notes, didn't he?
0:24:49 > 0:24:54After Trump tweeted that he had kept -
0:24:54 > 0:24:57or suggested he might have kept a recording of the dinner
0:24:57 > 0:24:59that took place in February.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Comey then came back to say, "Well, I kept a memorandum."
0:25:02 > 0:25:05And he said, "Will you drop the Russian stuff?"
0:25:05 > 0:25:08So, basically, he accused him of literally trying to interfere
0:25:08 > 0:25:10in the process of justice -
0:25:10 > 0:25:12and the Americans don't like that very much.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14So, it's all going wrong.
0:25:14 > 0:25:15- CARIAD:- The best bit was Putin,
0:25:15 > 0:25:18who was like, "If you want the transcript, we've got one."
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Two weeks before this leaked memo was written,
0:25:21 > 0:25:23what had Trump asked James Comey to do, at a dinner?
0:25:23 > 0:25:26- Was it stop investigating? - Just drop the investigation.
0:25:26 > 0:25:27He asked Comey to...
0:25:29 > 0:25:32- Oh!- Like an actual mafia boss.
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Trump has denied this,
0:25:34 > 0:25:37and threatened Comey in a tweet, which said...
0:25:43 > 0:25:46How did Trump's administration respond to Comey's leak?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48With confusion.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50With incredible confusion.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53According to the online news website Daily Beast,
0:25:53 > 0:25:54one official said...
0:25:58 > 0:26:00While another senior official said...
0:26:05 > 0:26:08What else did Donald Trump do this week?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10He decided, literally in the middle of a meeting
0:26:10 > 0:26:12with the Russian Foreign Minister, that he would...
0:26:12 > 0:26:15He'd seen some stuff that had been given to him by some people,
0:26:15 > 0:26:18came from the Israelis, apparently - he just passed it on.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20That's to the Russians! And then he goes around saying,
0:26:20 > 0:26:22"Why did people accuse me of being too close to the Russians?"
0:26:22 > 0:26:24I don't know, Donald, I can't imagine!
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Trump defended his actions by making this speech.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Look at the way I've been treated lately.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33Especially by the media.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37No politician in history...
0:26:38 > 0:26:42..and I say this with great surety,
0:26:42 > 0:26:46has been treated worse or more unfairly.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48You can't let them get you down.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- Oh, God!- When he says no-one's been treated this badly,
0:26:53 > 0:26:55does he mean psychiatrically?
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Did he use the word "surety?"
0:26:59 > 0:27:00Yes.
0:27:00 > 0:27:01"With surety, with surety."
0:27:01 > 0:27:03It is terrifying, isn't it?
0:27:03 > 0:27:05- CARIAD:- I thought he was brilliant, a minute ago!
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- GYLES:- You thought he was brilliant? - CARIAD:- No, you said that, Gyles!
0:27:08 > 0:27:10I never said he was brilliant! I think the man is totally terrifying.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13I thought it was amusing, cos I'm a little bit of an anarchist,
0:27:13 > 0:27:17I thought...I-I-I was quite amused by the thought of the world ending,
0:27:17 > 0:27:21but now, to end at the hands of this fool, would be ghastly.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26- You've revised your opinion. - I've revised my opinion.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Surely if you were recruiting a spy,
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Trump would be underneath Hulk Hogan.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35I wouldn't believe any conspiracy theory at all.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37I think he is exactly what he is revealing himself to be.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39You just told us North Korea had hacked the NHS!
0:27:39 > 0:27:43Oh, no! Don't reintroduce the subject!
0:27:45 > 0:27:47- There is that.- Please be quiet.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51- He also...- How did...?- Excuse me.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54- No. No.- He also...
0:27:54 > 0:27:55Gyles.
0:27:56 > 0:28:01Gyles, when people hear your name, they often think, "Jumpers"...
0:28:01 > 0:28:03- Ah!- ..but I'm sure people who meet you
0:28:03 > 0:28:05must take their lives in other ways, as well.
0:28:05 > 0:28:06LAUGHTER
0:28:08 > 0:28:11This is the news that Donald Trump is now at war
0:28:11 > 0:28:13with intelligence in two ways.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Mr Trump met with Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21At the end of the meeting,
0:28:21 > 0:28:23he said he had to get back to running the country,
0:28:23 > 0:28:25but thanked Trump for coming along.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Donald Trump said recently that every time he picks a phone up,
0:28:29 > 0:28:31he feels like someone is listening.
0:28:31 > 0:28:32That's what a phone is, Donald!
0:28:35 > 0:28:38APPLAUSE
0:28:38 > 0:28:41Donald Trump is increasingly unpopular with the CIA,
0:28:41 > 0:28:45where his Secret Service codename is JFK 2.
0:28:47 > 0:28:48Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56- BELL - Football.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58LAUGHTER
0:28:58 > 0:28:59- Who are they? - CARIAD:- They're men.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04They're men with a cup. So, they have done something well.
0:29:04 > 0:29:07They're a very special type of new football club.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09- GYLES:- Oh - they're wearing green costumes.
0:29:09 > 0:29:12- CARIAD:- Costumes! He's worse than me!
0:29:12 > 0:29:15- The green's a clue. GYLES:- The green IS a clue.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17It's an environmentally friendly football club.
0:29:17 > 0:29:19- Yes! Yes indeed.- Thank you.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22- This is the news... - Forest Green Rovers or whatever?
0:29:22 > 0:29:25- Yeah, Forest Green Rovers.- Yes. - The first vegan football club.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28- Vegan?- They were promoted on Sunday for the first time in their history.
0:29:28 > 0:29:31Here's how the radio commentator described it.
0:29:31 > 0:29:35'Let me tell you this - Cheltenham, Swindon, Newport,
0:29:35 > 0:29:38'you're going to eat humus at The New Lawn next season,
0:29:38 > 0:29:43'because Forest Green Rovers are in the Football League!'
0:29:44 > 0:29:47The chairman has used his money - he's an entrepreneur -
0:29:47 > 0:29:50to create this club that's based on green energy,
0:29:50 > 0:29:51they've got solar panels,
0:29:51 > 0:29:53and he's forcing the team to have a vegan diet.
0:29:53 > 0:29:55Right. And they're winning?
0:29:55 > 0:29:57Well, they've just been promoted.
0:29:57 > 0:30:00They'll probably start losing quite heavily.
0:30:01 > 0:30:04Since going vegan, the players have had zero injuries -
0:30:04 > 0:30:07but how were some of the players and staff caught out last year?
0:30:07 > 0:30:09Eating pork scratchings after hours?
0:30:09 > 0:30:11Very close.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19Here they are!
0:30:19 > 0:30:21Oh, no!
0:30:21 > 0:30:23The staff at Greggs didn't help the situation
0:30:23 > 0:30:24by telling the local paper...
0:30:28 > 0:30:31- Aww.- How did the club's manager, Mark Cooper,
0:30:31 > 0:30:34explain the small crowds that come to watch Forest Green?
0:30:34 > 0:30:35Vegans are tired.
0:30:37 > 0:30:39- It's hard.- He told the BBC...
0:30:43 > 0:30:46This is Forest Green Rovers, the first vegan football club,
0:30:46 > 0:30:49thanks to their eco-friendly chairman, Dale Vince,
0:30:49 > 0:30:51according to the BBC, the club has...
0:30:54 > 0:30:56In fact, if they put any more shit on the pitch,
0:30:56 > 0:30:58they'll qualify for the Scottish Premiership.
0:31:00 > 0:31:03As a vegan team, Forest Green Rovers are looking forward
0:31:03 > 0:31:06to their derby with archrivals KFC.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10Which means, at the end of this round, it's...
0:31:10 > 0:31:135 points to Paul and Gyles, and 3 to Ian and Cariad.
0:31:13 > 0:31:15APPLAUSE
0:31:22 > 0:31:24Time now for the Odd One Out Round.
0:31:24 > 0:31:25Your four are...
0:31:25 > 0:31:27a quilted jacket in old gold,
0:31:27 > 0:31:29the Da Vinci Code,
0:31:29 > 0:31:30Stork margarine,
0:31:30 > 0:31:32and Ivanka Trump's fashion brand.
0:31:32 > 0:31:35So - OK, the jacket is old gold coloured,
0:31:35 > 0:31:38Dan Brown, the Da Vinci Code, I don't know much about that.
0:31:38 > 0:31:40Other than it was a film and a book, obviously.
0:31:40 > 0:31:41Stork might have changed its colour
0:31:41 > 0:31:44due to some sort of manufacturing process...
0:31:44 > 0:31:45Any idea about this, Gyles?
0:31:45 > 0:31:49Well, colour clearly is involved, orange, possibly, is the colour,
0:31:49 > 0:31:53because orange is the colour of Ivanka and of the quilted jacket.
0:31:53 > 0:31:57Is it something to do with not being stocked,
0:31:57 > 0:31:59cos Ivanka's fashion line was dropped?
0:31:59 > 0:32:01And it was one of the few things
0:32:01 > 0:32:03Trump was genuinely exercised about -
0:32:03 > 0:32:05his daughter's fashion line was dropped
0:32:05 > 0:32:06by one of the big department stores.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08Yes, it's much more to do with that.
0:32:08 > 0:32:10LAUGHTER
0:32:11 > 0:32:15- GYLES:- Stork is no longer on the market, and the other three are.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19No.
0:32:21 > 0:32:23Obviously quietly on the market, in one instance.
0:32:23 > 0:32:25Was the Dan Brown novel dropped?
0:32:25 > 0:32:28Too many people were bringing Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code
0:32:28 > 0:32:29- to charity shops.- Really?
0:32:29 > 0:32:31And they just didn't need any more old copies!
0:32:31 > 0:32:33And this old gold jacket...
0:32:33 > 0:32:35- CARIAD:- Has been dropped by...
0:32:35 > 0:32:38Not been dropped by anyone. Thus the odd one out.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41- It is the odd one out.- Hey!
0:32:41 > 0:32:44APPLAUSE
0:32:47 > 0:32:48The answer is, no-one wants to buy them,
0:32:48 > 0:32:50apart from a quilted jacket in old gold,
0:32:50 > 0:32:53which proved to be overwhelmingly popular this week.
0:32:53 > 0:32:56Ria Hattam wore one to the Badminton Horse Trials
0:32:56 > 0:33:00only to spot at least 16 others. She took some photos.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02Let's have a look at Ria and the matching jackets.
0:33:02 > 0:33:04Oh, yes!
0:33:12 > 0:33:15I'm laughing, but I'm going to go and throw mine away!
0:33:17 > 0:33:19This isn't the only time someone has turned up
0:33:19 > 0:33:21to find everyone else in the same outfit.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24Did anyone see how Australian news anchor Amber Sherlock dealt with it?
0:33:24 > 0:33:27Wearing the same as the breakfast person on Norwegian television.
0:33:27 > 0:33:29I don't really know what that means.
0:33:30 > 0:33:32Let's have a wee look at the clip.
0:33:32 > 0:33:35I need Julie to put a jacket on cos we're all in white.
0:33:35 > 0:33:38I asked her before we came on. Julie, you need to put a jacket on.
0:33:38 > 0:33:40I haven't had time. Is there someone...
0:33:40 > 0:33:42Come on, I told you two hours ago!
0:33:42 > 0:33:45Amber, I'm sorry, I've been flat out.
0:33:45 > 0:33:47- Well, I'll call wardrobe and we'll get something.- No...
0:33:47 > 0:33:50I made this clear two and a half hours ago.
0:33:50 > 0:33:53- Amber, if it's an issue, I can get on out of here.- Yeah.
0:33:53 > 0:33:55- It is an issue, go and grab a jacket.- I...
0:33:57 > 0:33:59Time now to head into the chatroom,
0:33:59 > 0:34:03and joining me today is psychologist Sandy Ray in Melbourne
0:34:03 > 0:34:05and Julie Snook in Sydney.
0:34:07 > 0:34:10Why didn't she complain about the one on the right
0:34:10 > 0:34:12having the same hair as her in the middle?
0:34:13 > 0:34:15Perhaps it's like one of those fruit machines -
0:34:15 > 0:34:17you pull a handle, and three images...
0:34:17 > 0:34:19eventually settle on three whites going across.
0:34:19 > 0:34:22Due to poor sales, Ivanka Trump's clothing line is being re-branded
0:34:22 > 0:34:24and sold at discount stores.
0:34:24 > 0:34:27What has the fashion label Chanel been criticised for this week?
0:34:27 > 0:34:29Oh, the boomerang.
0:34:29 > 0:34:32- Yes.- They've made a bejewelled boomerang, or something?
0:34:32 > 0:34:36- They've made a boomerang that costs £1,130.- Wow.
0:34:36 > 0:34:37Let's have a wee look at it.
0:34:40 > 0:34:42Why is it dipped in chocolate?
0:34:43 > 0:34:45I wonder what the returns policy is.
0:34:45 > 0:34:47LAUGHTER
0:34:49 > 0:34:51APPLAUSE
0:34:52 > 0:34:54Oxfam is begging people
0:34:54 > 0:34:57not to take any more copies of Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code
0:34:57 > 0:34:58to its charity shops,
0:34:58 > 0:35:01as it can't shift the many copies it already has.
0:35:01 > 0:35:04Here's how one Oxfam shop in Swansea illustrated the problem.
0:35:04 > 0:35:07This is the sign in the window, which said,
0:35:07 > 0:35:09"You could give us another Da Vinci Code
0:35:09 > 0:35:11"but we would rather have your vinyl."
0:35:13 > 0:35:15How did Stephen Fry describe the novel?
0:35:15 > 0:35:16He said it was...
0:35:20 > 0:35:23Some religious conspiracy theorists have pointed out
0:35:23 > 0:35:25that if you read the Da Vinci Code backwards,
0:35:25 > 0:35:27it's actually a bit better.
0:35:29 > 0:35:30Sales of Stork margarine
0:35:30 > 0:35:33are decreasing as people prefer to spread butter
0:35:33 > 0:35:36on their toast, as you said, people think it is healthier.
0:35:36 > 0:35:38According to the Guardian...
0:35:42 > 0:35:44That's the last community you want to make a joke about!
0:35:48 > 0:35:50SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
0:35:50 > 0:35:51Well, someone's applauding!
0:35:53 > 0:35:54Which means, at the end of this round,
0:35:54 > 0:35:57it's 5 points to Paul and Gyles and 6 to Ian and Cariad.
0:35:57 > 0:36:00- APPLAUSE - Oh, finally!- Yes!
0:36:07 > 0:36:09Time now for the Missing Words Round, which this week features
0:36:09 > 0:36:11as its guest publication...
0:36:11 > 0:36:12Essex Birding,
0:36:12 > 0:36:16the journal of the Essex bird-watching society.
0:36:16 > 0:36:20Many people in Essex are twitchers, but that's mainly due to cocaine.
0:36:22 > 0:36:23And we start with...
0:36:27 > 0:36:31- GYLES:- Lover? Just to help out when Philip retires?
0:36:31 > 0:36:32- CARIAD:- Are you offering, Gyles?
0:36:32 > 0:36:35I don't think that's what he's retiring from.
0:36:36 > 0:36:40The Queen has a top-secret Facebook account.
0:36:40 > 0:36:41- CARIAD:- No way!
0:36:41 > 0:36:44One reason the Queen gets lots of Facebook messages,
0:36:44 > 0:36:46is because she has two birthdays a year.
0:36:46 > 0:36:48One each for her human and lizard forms.
0:36:52 > 0:36:54- You and David Icke, then!- Next...
0:36:58 > 0:37:00Marries a bloke called Burr Ito.
0:37:01 > 0:37:03- That's very close.- It can't be!
0:37:05 > 0:37:08- It can't be, surely! - GYLES:- Gets married as a burrito,
0:37:08 > 0:37:10to somebody also dressed as a burrito.
0:37:11 > 0:37:14- And they breed burritos. - I'm going to give Paul the point,
0:37:14 > 0:37:16because she...
0:37:18 > 0:37:20..because she had married it. Here she is.
0:37:23 > 0:37:25She married a burrito.
0:37:25 > 0:37:27Sour cream, guacamole and salsa are just three things
0:37:27 > 0:37:30doctors have tried to hide her medication in.
0:37:31 > 0:37:32Next...
0:37:37 > 0:37:39"..felt my hands around his scrawny neck
0:37:39 > 0:37:43"as I choked the living daylights out of him!"
0:37:43 > 0:37:45- CARIAD:- "..and the old editor said I could and that was fine."
0:37:45 > 0:37:47Pretty much. The answer...
0:37:52 > 0:37:54In fact, the only time any editor has said yes quicker
0:37:54 > 0:37:58is when Kelvin MacKenzie asked, "Shall I offer my resig...?"
0:38:00 > 0:38:03- I don't think he offered his resignation!- No.
0:38:03 > 0:38:04Next...
0:38:07 > 0:38:09- GYLES:- "Gran accidentally dies
0:38:09 > 0:38:12"after taking birdseed instead of aspirin?"
0:38:15 > 0:38:16The answer is...
0:38:22 > 0:38:25This is Valerie Johnson, who accidentally drove 300 miles
0:38:25 > 0:38:28from England to Lanarkshire when she missed a turn-off.
0:38:28 > 0:38:30She thought she was following the right motorway on the map,
0:38:30 > 0:38:32but it turned out to be a varicose vein.
0:38:34 > 0:38:35Next...
0:38:38 > 0:38:41- GYLES:- Whether to swipe to the left or right on Tinder.
0:38:46 > 0:38:48It's actually...
0:38:52 > 0:38:55Prince Philip asked Mary Berry's advice on stuffing small birds,
0:38:55 > 0:38:56and then sat politely
0:38:56 > 0:38:58as she got completely the wrong end of the stick
0:38:58 > 0:39:00and gave him advice on cooking.
0:39:01 > 0:39:02Next...
0:39:06 > 0:39:08Filling out the appropriate forms
0:39:08 > 0:39:10and being interviewed by the council.
0:39:11 > 0:39:12The answer is...
0:39:15 > 0:39:17- That was quite a difficult ask, wasn't it?- Yeah, that was.- Yeah.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19A little bit tricky, yeah.
0:39:19 > 0:39:21Those ospreys will grow up not knowing who their real parents are -
0:39:21 > 0:39:23much like the rest of Essex.
0:39:25 > 0:39:27And finally...
0:39:29 > 0:39:33"..conjures up the spirit of Beelzebub and ruins reception."
0:39:35 > 0:39:38- GYLES:- "..accidentally photographs wrong couple."
0:39:38 > 0:39:40Yes!
0:39:43 > 0:39:45Oh, no!
0:39:45 > 0:39:47Jacob Peters made an expensive mistake last weekend
0:39:47 > 0:39:51when he accidentally photographed the wrong couple's proposal.
0:39:51 > 0:39:53Also this week, a groom got into trouble
0:39:53 > 0:39:56after a bee disrupted his wedding. Let's have a look.
0:39:56 > 0:39:59..and to be your companion and your friend.
0:39:59 > 0:40:01On this journey that we make together.
0:40:01 > 0:40:04On this journey that we make together.
0:40:04 > 0:40:05Oh!
0:40:10 > 0:40:12There was a bee.
0:40:15 > 0:40:18Straight after that she pretended to see a wasp near his balls.
0:40:20 > 0:40:21So, the final scores are -
0:40:21 > 0:40:23Paul and Gyles have 8 points
0:40:23 > 0:40:25and Ian and Cariad have 6!
0:40:25 > 0:40:26Well done.
0:40:26 > 0:40:27Blew it.
0:40:27 > 0:40:30APPLAUSE
0:40:32 > 0:40:35But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:40:35 > 0:40:38New editor of Horse & Hound.
0:40:40 > 0:40:41That's very good.
0:40:41 > 0:40:42- GYLES:- Strong and stable.
0:40:44 > 0:40:46APPLAUSE
0:40:49 > 0:40:51On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:40:51 > 0:40:54Ian Hislop, Cariad Lloyd, Paul Merton and Gyles Brandreth.
0:40:54 > 0:40:56And I leave you with news that,
0:40:56 > 0:40:58as Labour's election campaign continues,
0:40:58 > 0:41:01party workers are concerned that some members may have
0:41:01 > 0:41:03misunderstood the phrase "touch base with the public."
0:41:09 > 0:41:12After pledging that, if elected Prime Minister,
0:41:12 > 0:41:14he would legalise cannabis, Lib Dem leader Tim Farron
0:41:14 > 0:41:16denies trying out the drug for himself...
0:41:20 > 0:41:23..and, at a Moscow press conference, one journalist tries his luck
0:41:23 > 0:41:26asking Donald Trump who's America's top spy in Russia.
0:41:29 > 0:41:31Goodnight.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33APPLAUSE