0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language
0:00:31 > 0:00:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42I'm Victoria Coren Mitchell.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43In the news this week -
0:00:43 > 0:00:48in Plymouth, a pensioner regrets trying on a virtual reality headset
0:00:48 > 0:00:51showing what life will be like under the Tory's social care policy.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54SHE SCREAMS
0:00:55 > 0:00:56Is it real?
0:00:58 > 0:00:59Nana, it's...
0:00:59 > 0:01:01SHE SCREAMS
0:01:02 > 0:01:05In Leeds, one conference delegate from London
0:01:05 > 0:01:07suddenly can't remember if he'd watered the strawberries
0:01:07 > 0:01:09on his allotment that morning.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20And a field trip for the Shanghai Film School
0:01:20 > 0:01:23ends in disaster for the silent comedy department.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40On Ian's team tonight is a political commentator
0:01:40 > 0:01:42who is one of the first names on the list
0:01:42 > 0:01:44when any election show is looking for guests.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Well, that's the alphabet for you. Please welcome Adam Boulton.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49APPLAUSE
0:01:55 > 0:01:58And with Paul tonight is a TV personality and vicar
0:01:58 > 0:02:00who once said broadcasting was just showing off,
0:02:00 > 0:02:03or, as the Greeks call it, epideiknyomai.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Please welcome the Reverend Richard Coles.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07APPLAUSE
0:02:10 > 0:02:12And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Ian and Adam, take a look at this.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17That's the viewer.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19For all of the shows. Here she comes.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Leaving the studio before the debate starts.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24That's... He's giving jam, free.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25All voters.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29That's her saying, "No...
0:02:29 > 0:02:31"I won't be coming."
0:02:31 > 0:02:33She was meant to be here tonight, but she just...
0:02:35 > 0:02:39..didn't want to mix it with ghastly hacks, so we got Victoria.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45This is these debates, which you've all been watching.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Of course, Jeremy Corbyn managed to crash the party.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52He decided at the last minute that he had nothing to lose,
0:02:52 > 0:02:54- so he might as well turn up. - Do you think that's what he did,
0:02:54 > 0:02:57he suddenly thought, "I'm OK at television after all"?
0:02:57 > 0:03:01- Yeah.- "I went up against Paxman, I didn't die."- Exactly.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04"Why not just go and do another debate?"
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Precisely. But the reason why she's shaking her head,
0:03:06 > 0:03:08because although we call them debates,
0:03:08 > 0:03:10there is no debate with Theresa May.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11No, cos she's not there.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13She didn't turn up. She sent Amber Rudd instead.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Was that the right decision, do you think, do send Amber Rudd?
0:03:16 > 0:03:18To not appear in the leaders' debate herself?
0:03:18 > 0:03:21I think it's probably a mistake not to appear in the leader's' debate.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Particularly if you've called an election and you say, "It's all about me,"
0:03:24 > 0:03:26and then you say, "But actually, I'm going to stay at home."
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Amber Rudd did rather well, didn't she?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30She got a big laugh. Do you know what she got a big laugh for,
0:03:30 > 0:03:32- Amber Rudd on the debate? - People will judge us on our record.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Hilarious, big gales of laughter.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36Shall we have a look?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39In your manifesto, there was a noticeable absence of costings.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43Well, I would say, in answer to that question, judge us on our record.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45On our record, we have...
0:03:45 > 0:03:46LAUGHTER
0:03:46 > 0:03:49OK, OK. We have cut the deficit.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50She had a little smile.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53She could see it was funny herself, couldn't she?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56She had a little smile going, "Oh, yeah, I know. A bit cheeky."
0:03:56 > 0:03:58It's extraordinary. It's neck and neck.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02- By the time this comes out, it may be, I think, Corbyn's ahead.- Yep.
0:04:02 > 0:04:03Isn't that right, Adam?
0:04:03 > 0:04:06No, I can't tell you. We've been doing the election rehearsal, so...
0:04:06 > 0:04:08- Oh, right.- We know the result, but we can't...
0:04:08 > 0:04:10LAUGHTER
0:04:12 > 0:04:15- He was also on The One Show. - Oh, yeah.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Which he had turned down, initially.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20But after he had seen Theresa May on it, talking about girls' jobs,
0:04:20 > 0:04:23he decided he had nothing to lose to go on and talk about manholes.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27- Manhole covers.- Manhole covers. - Yeah, let's be honest. Detail, Adam.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31What did Amber Rudd have to say
0:04:31 > 0:04:33about Jeremy Corbyn's fiscal approach,
0:04:33 > 0:04:35what comparison did she make?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Magic money tree.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40- And what else?- Then she said that again.- That he believed in it.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42She said the magic money tree a lot of times.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Shall we have a look at the language she used?
0:04:45 > 0:04:47As though he thinks it's some sort of game,
0:04:47 > 0:04:50a game of Monopoly, perhaps, where you ask the banker for the
0:04:50 > 0:04:53red money to buy the electrics, the green money to buy the railways,
0:04:53 > 0:04:55and the yellow money to buy the gas works.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Well, it's not like that, Jeremy.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01LAUGHTER
0:05:01 > 0:05:02That's not how you play Monopoly!
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Since when were you allowed to ask the banker for money?
0:05:08 > 0:05:10If you cheat.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Everybody knows in this country, you give the bankers money.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19What did Tim Farron have to say at the end of the debate?
0:05:19 > 0:05:21- He had a lot of gags, Tim Farron. - Did he?- Yeah.
0:05:21 > 0:05:26He did say, "If Mrs May can't spare the time for you,
0:05:26 > 0:05:27"you shouldn't spare the time for her."
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Shall we have a look?
0:05:29 > 0:05:31The Prime Minister is not here tonight.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34She can't be bothered, so why should you?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36In fact, Bake Off is on BBC Two next.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40Why not make yourself...why not make yourself a brew?
0:05:40 > 0:05:45You are not worth Theresa May's time, don't give her yours.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47- ADAM:- He's thinking about his next job.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50APPLAUSE
0:05:52 > 0:05:53Now I'm worried about the applause.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Do we have a very biased BBC audience, do you think?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58It would be an outrage if we don't.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03It's a pretty odd panel tonight,
0:06:03 > 0:06:05I can't help but feel I'm applying for parole.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- I'm just going to make a note of that.- Make a note of that, yeah.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12I shouldn't have said that.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14I'm already worried that I've made too many jokes
0:06:14 > 0:06:16about Theresa May and not enough about Jeremy Corbyn.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Mind you, you say a bad thing about Jeremy Corbyn,
0:06:18 > 0:06:21you get enough shit on the internet if you're not Jewish, so...
0:06:23 > 0:06:25..I think I'll leave it.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27APPLAUSE
0:06:27 > 0:06:29They did both take part
0:06:29 > 0:06:32on Channel 4's The Battle For Number Ten, didn't they?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- Yes.- What did Jeremy Corbyn have to say in that interview?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Well, I think he said, "Why isn't Adam interviewing me?"
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- It was Sky, wasn't it?- No. - And Channel 4...
0:06:42 > 0:06:45- Oh, that was our thing, yeah.- Yeah.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50It's bad enough if the public aren't following the election,
0:06:50 > 0:06:52but if paid journalists aren't bothered...
0:06:52 > 0:06:55But we did it with Channel 4, it sort of seemed odd.
0:06:55 > 0:06:56- What was the question?- Well...
0:06:56 > 0:06:59LAUGHTER
0:06:59 > 0:07:02This is turning into a Corbyn impersonation.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Well, I asked what Jeremy Corbyn said in the interview,
0:07:04 > 0:07:06but it might be quite difficult to remember.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Shall we have a look at why?
0:07:08 > 0:07:09Yeah.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- I'm horrified at the very idea... - You promised to renew...
0:07:12 > 0:07:15I'm horrified at the very idea of a nuclear attack...
0:07:15 > 0:07:16You promised to renew a nuclear weapon.
0:07:16 > 0:07:17What I want to see...
0:07:17 > 0:07:20I'm asking you perfectly simply, do you think it's morally right?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23What I want to see... A lot of manufacturing industry...
0:07:23 > 0:07:25- Haven't you done any sums? - Can I finish, please?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Really, just for a second?
0:07:27 > 0:07:28No, I'm asking you for a figure.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30But this manifesto fundamentally...
0:07:30 > 0:07:32You're trying to persuade the Cabinet, the Shadow Cabinet...
0:07:32 > 0:07:34- Can I finish a sen...?- No.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35- I've said...- No.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Did you enjoy that interviewing technique, as a viewer?
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Um... Not really, no.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49I believe you want to inform the public in interviews.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52I don't think we learned an awful lot from that interview.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Do you think there were other, you know,
0:07:54 > 0:07:58- senior broadcasting journalists who could have done it better?- Um...
0:07:58 > 0:08:00I think, you know, things change all the time.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03You have to find a different style to get ways
0:08:03 > 0:08:04of getting information out of people.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- If politicians are expecting the aggressive approach...- Yeah.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10I think it's been redefined by The One Show.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11Yeah.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14I mean, that style of interviewing, I think now has to be standard.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Well, it's funny you should say that.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Straight in with the tough questions.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21"Here we go, what is your favourite colour?"
0:08:24 > 0:08:28How did the audience show their approval of Theresa May at the end?
0:08:28 > 0:08:29They let her live.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37They almost had a tiny, little... Not quite a Mexican wave.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40It was more like a sort of Mexican gesture, wasn't it?
0:08:40 > 0:08:42A Mexican gesture?
0:08:42 > 0:08:44They sort of stood up and went like that.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46- Is that a Mexican gesture?- Yeah.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Did she not have a one-man standing ovation?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51- Would you like to see it? - Yeah, lovely.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Theresa May, thank you very much. Thank you.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00LAUGHTER
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Theresa May has made some rather rude remarks in the last few days.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- Has she?- What did she say when she was in Wolverhampton?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11"What time's the next train to London?"
0:09:13 > 0:09:15- It wasn't about Wolverhampton.- No?
0:09:15 > 0:09:18- It was about Jeremy Corbyn. - Oh, I see.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19She said...
0:09:31 > 0:09:33That's not an image we needed.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37They probably wouldn't negotiate with him under those circumstances.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40They'd say, "Put some trousers on, for God's sake."
0:09:40 > 0:09:42"Anything you say, anything you say."
0:09:42 > 0:09:45And the Scottish Labour leader, Kezia Dugdale,
0:09:45 > 0:09:47was given quite an unusual introduction
0:09:47 > 0:09:50by Sky News' Sophy Ridge, do you know what that was?
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Again, Adam, your channel.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55I was asleep at the time.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58You and the audience.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00- Oh, no, no. - APPLAUSE
0:10:02 > 0:10:03Let's have a look.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Hello, again. We're live from the Glasgow Science Centre
0:10:06 > 0:10:08talking to all the party leaders north of the border.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Joining us in our studio now is the leader of Scottish Labia...
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Labour, sorry. Kezia Dugdale.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25I think that's magnificent. More Labia leaders. That's what we need.
0:10:25 > 0:10:26That's what we need in public life.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29You would never make such a mistake, would you, Adam?
0:10:30 > 0:10:34Shall we watch you trying to read a front page headline of a newspaper?
0:10:34 > 0:10:35- Yeah, sure.- Yeah.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39On the USA Today money page, at the top there,
0:10:39 > 0:10:44"Wall Street rally ups Brexit-like erection... Election risk."
0:10:49 > 0:10:51APPLAUSE
0:10:51 > 0:10:54So you'll be wanting a hard Brexit, will you?
0:10:56 > 0:10:57I never knew I'd done that.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59To be fair, it was a tongue twister, wasn't it?
0:10:59 > 0:11:02I mean, you wouldn't have done that if the sentence had been simpler?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Yeah, it was in American, anyway.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Let's have a look at another bit of footage.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Jeremy Hunt, who has been doing the rounds this morning
0:11:10 > 0:11:12about the erection manifesto.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
0:11:22 > 0:11:24No wonder they keep you behind a desk.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28One-track mind, you know...
0:11:29 > 0:11:32I'm afraid we don't have a clip this week of Diane Abbott
0:11:32 > 0:11:37getting figures wrong, but we have got Jeremy Corbyn on Woman's Hour.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Just not getting the figures at all.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40Let's see.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44How much will it cost to provide un-means tested childcare
0:11:44 > 0:11:49- for 1.3 million children? - Em...it will cost, em...
0:11:49 > 0:11:53It will obviously cost a lot to do so.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54- I assume you have the figures? - Yes, I do.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56So how much will it cost?
0:11:56 > 0:11:58I'll give you the figure in a moment.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00- You don't know it?- Em...
0:12:00 > 0:12:04You're logging into your iPad here.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06That's a major policy, and you don't know how much it'll cost?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Can I give you the exact figure in a moment?
0:12:08 > 0:12:11You're holding your manifesto, you're flicking through it,
0:12:11 > 0:12:14you've got an iPad there, you've had a phone call while we were in here,
0:12:14 > 0:12:16and you don't know how much it's going to cost.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Can we come back to that in a moment?
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Anyone can lose the bit of paper... I mean, if you're a vicar,
0:12:21 > 0:12:22everyone expects you to be able
0:12:22 > 0:12:25to quote chapter and verse from the Bible,
0:12:25 > 0:12:27but you don't hold the information in that way.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30"So it's thou shalt NOT commit adultery," you know?
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Tiny detail.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36The Gospel According To Shrek. I don't know...
0:12:38 > 0:12:41No, he was announcing the childcare plans.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44- Yeah, it was a big one. - It was that issue.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45So there were two things to remember -
0:12:45 > 0:12:47how many children and how much it cost.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50But, think, you've done, I don't know, hours and hours of interviews.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51You've been asked all these...
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Just, sometimes, you don't have the information to hand, do you? You know.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Why not write it on a bit of paper? Or look in the manifesto...
0:12:57 > 0:12:59You've got a piece of paper with "God, Jesus" written on it.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03- You wake up in the morning... - Exactly.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- "Who's the third one?" - The holy Trinity.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Yeah, sorry, we've got onto the Holy Ghost. How is that?
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- And actually, he got the answer off the press release.- Yeah.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14So he hadn't even read his own press release, which is...
0:13:14 > 0:13:18It was poor. I mean, it's difficult to spin it any other way.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20In the final run-up to polling day,
0:13:20 > 0:13:24how has Theresa May tweaked her slogan, her campaign slogan?
0:13:24 > 0:13:25How has she been tweeting it?
0:13:25 > 0:13:29- How has she...- Tweaked it. - Oh, tweaked, sorry, tweaked.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30I'm not sure she's tweeted.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32That's the thing, you don't want to be rude about
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Jeremy Corbyn cos everyone shouts at you on the internet.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Theresa May's supporters can't really switch on the computer.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39They have to get their nephew... "What you do?"
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Tweet, no, she's tweaked the slogan on the posters, do you know how?
0:13:42 > 0:13:44She's not a one-man band.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47She doesn't say "Theresa May's team" any more.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48Or "strong and stable".
0:13:48 > 0:13:51She now actually uses the word Conservatives.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53That's right. So, for the first few weeks,
0:13:53 > 0:13:56there was no mention of the party on the posters,
0:13:56 > 0:13:58it was just Theresa May, shall we see those posters?
0:13:58 > 0:14:01And here's the rebrand, after a U-turn.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06I've just heard that Theresa May has now pulled out of doing
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Woman's Hour herself.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10She has been replaced by Justine Greening.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12- What do you think of that? - That's in the same studio
0:14:12 > 0:14:13as Saturday Live.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15So I'll be detecting
0:14:15 > 0:14:19signs of nervousness on the seats when they go in.
0:14:20 > 0:14:21That's really disgusting.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25APPLAUSE
0:14:30 > 0:14:31It's another edition of
0:14:31 > 0:14:33I Didn't Know A Vicar Would Say That!
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- ADAM:- Do you usually sniff the seats?
0:14:42 > 0:14:44APPLAUSE
0:14:46 > 0:14:48This being the last show before polling day,
0:14:48 > 0:14:50I thought I'd ask everyone here for their predictions.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52What do you think, then, what's going to happen?
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Well, it'll be somewhere between Labour winning
0:14:55 > 0:14:56and the Tories winning.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Paul, what do you think? What's your prediction for polling Day?
0:14:59 > 0:15:00Well, until you just mentioned it,
0:15:00 > 0:15:03I didn't realise there was an election.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04What about you, Ian, what do you think?
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Oh, I think it's going to be incredibly close,
0:15:06 > 0:15:08followed by a government of all the talents.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13We're going to put our differences aside, everyone's going to get
0:15:13 > 0:15:17together, right across the spectrum, and sort the country properly.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20APPLAUSE
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- Richard, what's your prediction? - Mind you, I am wrong, usually.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27LAUGHTER
0:15:27 > 0:15:29- What's your prediction? - I think you've all done very well.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
0:15:34 > 0:15:39In a revealing interview with the Metro newspaper,
0:15:39 > 0:15:43Theresa May described the unusual way she likes to cook lamb cutlets.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- How is it? - On the breath of an Alsatian?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50HE PANTS
0:15:50 > 0:15:52It takes forever, but they're tasty.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Only you've got to persuade the dog they're not for him.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Death stare.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02No, she cooks them with Parma ham and Parmesan.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03Parma ham and Parmesan.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Bit vague, but she said there would more details after the election.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08LAUGHTER
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Has she costed them?
0:16:10 > 0:16:12You're a culinary expert, aren't you, Richard?
0:16:12 > 0:16:14You were in the final of Celebrity MasterChef.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15Semifinal.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19I'm afraid I got knocked out by Jimmy Osmond's chicken pot pie.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24It's a glamorous life you lead.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Who do you like best? John Torode or Gregg Wallace?
0:16:27 > 0:16:29I like them both equally.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33And together, they make a world-beating
0:16:33 > 0:16:35strong and stable kitchen partnership.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38This is the exciting news
0:16:38 > 0:16:40that the election campaign is nearly over.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Theresa May warned that when it came to the EU,
0:16:42 > 0:16:43Jeremy Corbyn could find himself...
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Something only achieved once before by a rat-arsed Nigel Farage.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54During her interview with Jeremy Paxman,
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Theresa May insisted that what's needed to negotiate
0:16:56 > 0:16:58a successful Brexit is...
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Luckily, that's exactly what Germany has got.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09After Theresa May missed the debate, the Mirror referred to the absent Prime Minister as...
0:17:10 > 0:17:13You can order Chicken Theresa May in a restaurant near me.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17It's thin-skinned, boneless and refuses to be grilled.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19APPLAUSE
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- Paul and Richard, take a look at this.- Yes.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Ah, yes, this is...
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Here he is, the bozo of the Western world.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33That's what his hair does at night when he goes to bed,
0:17:33 > 0:17:34collapses in that shape.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37This is... Oh, yes, he tweeted a word...
0:17:39 > 0:17:42It looks like a very incompetent logo for the Church of England.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46So, yes, this is Donald Trump and he's going to be, sort of...
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Because we're recording on Thursday night, round about now,
0:17:49 > 0:17:51he'll be announcing whether America are going to pull out
0:17:51 > 0:17:53of the, you know, climate change agreement.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56That's basically what it's about. Climate change.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58And executed with his traditional sleek statesmanship,
0:17:58 > 0:18:02as he greeted the Prime Minister of Montenegro, I think it was, with a friendly shove.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Yeah.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Would you support...? If somebody...?
0:18:07 > 0:18:08I mean, um...
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Is it right to hit him?
0:18:12 > 0:18:14APPLAUSE
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Just once. In the face.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Just once.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22I might strongly advise him of the wisdom of turning the other cheek.
0:18:22 > 0:18:23If you'd like to try it a few times...
0:18:25 > 0:18:26I don't know.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29It's the climate change, the Paris Accord of 2015,
0:18:29 > 0:18:31the whole world, or nearly the whole world, signed up to it,
0:18:31 > 0:18:35and then Donald Trump thinks he's going to make America great again
0:18:35 > 0:18:38by making sure everybody ends up with a tan just like his.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40But not out of a bottle, Victoria.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45AUDIENCE OOHS
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Welcome to another edition of
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Who Would Have Thought A Priest Would Have Said That?
0:18:52 > 0:18:53I don't mean to be ungallant,
0:18:53 > 0:18:57but Victoria did reveal to us that she had splodged on...
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Slapped it on, straight out of a bottle.
0:18:59 > 0:19:00..as a tribute to Donald.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04- She's not going to rise to this. - I know. It's worth a try.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07She's going to turn the other lightly-bronzed cheek.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10You don't understand! Everyone's orange on TV, now.
0:19:10 > 0:19:15- If you come on a normal colour, people think you're ill.- Exactly.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17So, apart from being bad news for the planet,
0:19:17 > 0:19:19who else is going to be cross, particularly,
0:19:19 > 0:19:21with Donald Trump for pulling out of this agreement?
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- Mrs Merkel is very cross.- Chinese?
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Even closer to Donald Trump than that.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28- Oh, his daughter. - Ivanka. Ivanka and Jared.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Because they're fully signed up, aren't they?
0:19:30 > 0:19:33This kind of weird dissonance that's happening in the
0:19:33 > 0:19:37White House between Donald Trump and his base, and his family,
0:19:37 > 0:19:40who seem to have a very different sort of political spectrum
0:19:40 > 0:19:41encompassed to his.
0:19:41 > 0:19:46He's reconfiguring his team, isn't he? He's constructing a war room.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49What's that intended to fight?
0:19:49 > 0:19:50The media.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Yeah, he's got a great spokesman, cos that thing,
0:19:52 > 0:19:54that covfefe that he tweeted,
0:19:54 > 0:19:56he won't admit that he just sat on his phone.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Let's have a look at the actual tweet.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02So, this was the early hours of Wednesday morning, he tweeted...
0:20:07 > 0:20:09..and left it at that.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Do you think he was trying to spell "kerfuffle"?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13- No, coverage. - Coverage, it must be coverage.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15This is what somebody said on Twitter,
0:20:15 > 0:20:17they made a dictionary entry where they wrote...
0:20:24 > 0:20:26He sent out Sean Spicer, who is his spokesman,
0:20:26 > 0:20:31who is saying people who need to know know what that means.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Let's hear that recording.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Do you think people should be concerned that the president
0:20:38 > 0:20:41posted somewhat of an incoherent tweet last night?
0:20:41 > 0:20:43No.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46The president and a small group of people know exactly what he meant.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48LAUGHTER
0:20:48 > 0:20:49A small group of people?
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Is it the Russian cabinet?
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Did you see what the Eurostar did?
0:20:55 > 0:20:56They actually put up a sign on...
0:20:56 > 0:20:59The main Eurostar, officially, looked like this...
0:21:05 > 0:21:09APPLAUSE
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Do you think it's good that he can just tweet whatever he wants
0:21:11 > 0:21:14and we get to know how his mind works, or should that be vetted?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Well, it's... It's good, I mean,
0:21:16 > 0:21:17tells us what's going on, doesn't it?
0:21:17 > 0:21:20He's also been going around giving out his mobile phone number.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23- Did you not know this?- No.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Well, normally, when presidents phone presidents,
0:21:26 > 0:21:29you do it through officials, and you have a hotline
0:21:29 > 0:21:31and people listen in and know.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35And when he was in Taormina at that G7,
0:21:35 > 0:21:39he just went up to Macron, the French president, and said,
0:21:39 > 0:21:42"Here, this is my number, call me any time."
0:21:42 > 0:21:43No, he said, "Give this to your missus."
0:21:43 > 0:21:46LAUGHTER
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Back to the climate change agreement.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51There could be another reason why Trump pulled out of the Paris deal.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Why is he annoyed with Europe particularly at the moment?
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Nato payments? Something to do with that?
0:21:57 > 0:21:59- That's what he SAYS it is. - What he says it is, but it's not.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Well, the Scandinavians made fun of him...
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Is it Macron's handshake?
0:22:04 > 0:22:06They copied the orb.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Yes. Let's have a look at the picture.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10These are the five leaders of
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Finland, Norway, Denmark, Sweden and Iceland.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Literally, the leaders of those countries.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17World leaders are ganging up
0:22:17 > 0:22:20to take the piss out of the American president?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22It's brilliant!
0:22:22 > 0:22:24- There was a nice little... - When are they going to punch him?
0:22:27 > 0:22:31And you mentioned earlier, Ian - what did Macron do
0:22:31 > 0:22:33to try and beat Trump in the public eye?
0:22:33 > 0:22:37Oh, well, Trump does this thing of grabbing people's hands,
0:22:37 > 0:22:39other world leaders, really hard, and, you know,
0:22:39 > 0:22:40giving them a bit of a shock.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44And Macron's been in the gym for years.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46So he literally said, "I'm going to get him,"
0:22:46 > 0:22:47so when he got his hand, Macron went...
0:22:47 > 0:22:49HE GROANS
0:22:49 > 0:22:52And he wouldn't let it go, and Trump was...
0:22:53 > 0:22:55He was completely crushed.
0:22:55 > 0:23:00It occurred to me that Donald Trump is famous for grabbing things that aren't just hands.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Trying to, kind of, just... "Thank you."
0:23:02 > 0:23:05According to CNN, how did Trump sum up his first foreign trip?
0:23:05 > 0:23:07"Where the fuck am I?"
0:23:09 > 0:23:12APPLAUSE
0:23:12 > 0:23:14According to CNN...
0:23:21 > 0:23:23What has Nigel Farage recently become?
0:23:27 > 0:23:28Pleasingly obsolete?
0:23:30 > 0:23:33APPLAUSE
0:23:33 > 0:23:35This audience is so biased!
0:23:36 > 0:23:39He has become a person of interest in the FBI...
0:23:39 > 0:23:42I know! Difficult to imagine. (!)
0:23:44 > 0:23:45..in the FBI inquiry?
0:23:45 > 0:23:48- Is exactly right. - They're worried that Farage...
0:23:49 > 0:23:53..was a bearer of discreet secrets to the Russians.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56- SLURRING:- I'll have another one of them!
0:23:58 > 0:24:01What's the good news that's been announced, amidst all the gloom,
0:24:01 > 0:24:03about the state of the world?
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Arsene Wenger's signed a two-year contract.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07APPLAUSE
0:24:07 > 0:24:08Ian's very pleased.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11I was thrilled. He signed covfefe, apparently.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Thrust in midfield player.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17Apparently...
0:24:22 > 0:24:24I knew there was something.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26I saw that figure. 0.28%, that's very cheery.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28It hasn't all been in vain, Richard.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Onward and upward.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Yeah, there's been a drop in the global murder rate,
0:24:34 > 0:24:36apart from in America, where it's going up.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39You got to know America and Trumpland pretty well,
0:24:39 > 0:24:41didn't you, Adam, whilst you travelled in America?
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Shall we see you getting to know the American voters
0:24:44 > 0:24:45on election night last year?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48- Why not?- Let's see...
0:24:48 > 0:24:49- Cheers to you.- Cheers.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Splendid.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54And do join me for...
0:24:56 > 0:24:59..our special programme tomorrow night, that's at midnight.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03I'll be speaking, amongst others, to Bernie Sanders.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06And, of course, full coverage of the...
0:25:06 > 0:25:08..of the inauguration on Friday.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13APPLAUSE
0:25:17 > 0:25:20This is Donald Trump's rejection of the Paris climate change agreement.
0:25:20 > 0:25:24Also this week, Trump attacked the Germans over trade.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30He's happy to import some expensive European models,
0:25:30 > 0:25:31but only his wives.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Round Two, now, and we couldn't really be bothered
0:25:36 > 0:25:38to think of anything original, so, Richard,
0:25:38 > 0:25:40we've just copied your Big Painting Challenge.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Welcome to the Big News Painting Challenge.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- This sounds exciting. - What news story is being painted?
0:25:45 > 0:25:47- Ooh! - Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50BUZZER
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Paul and Richard?
0:25:52 > 0:25:54I sort of have to declare an interest, here,
0:25:54 > 0:25:56but this is the interesting...
0:25:56 > 0:25:57- ADAM:- It's a church.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00- RICHARD:- ..invention of a robot priest in Germany.
0:26:00 > 0:26:04Quite how effective as a dispenser of sacraments, remains to be seen.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Well, shall we have a look at the priest in action?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08IN GERMAN:
0:26:33 > 0:26:36APPLAUSE
0:26:38 > 0:26:42What name do you think they've given this robot priest?
0:26:42 > 0:26:44- Vater?- It's called...
0:26:47 > 0:26:49According to a German newspaper...
0:26:55 > 0:26:56Do you feel threatened, Richard?
0:26:56 > 0:26:58- Uh... - PAUL LAUGHS
0:26:58 > 0:27:01I have to say, it did rather a more efficient job
0:27:01 > 0:27:03than some of the clergy of my acquaintance, but...
0:27:03 > 0:27:07Actually, I think in canon law, you can't... Robots aren't allowed.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09I think when it comes to the dispensing of sacraments,
0:27:09 > 0:27:12you have to be at least a human.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15In the Church of England, now you can be a woman, too!
0:27:15 > 0:27:17- Yeah. - LIGHT CHEERING
0:27:17 > 0:27:20This is the robot priest which gives out automatic blessings.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22It's rumoured that the Anglican Church in the UK
0:27:22 > 0:27:23is working on a similar model
0:27:23 > 0:27:25called C of E-3PO.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:27:29 > 0:27:30Here's your next news painting challenge.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34BUZZER Ian and Adam.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36There's a new type of lighter.
0:27:36 > 0:27:40A pink Bic lighter, which is only for girls.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42So that they can light candles.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45But not barbecues, bonfires...
0:27:46 > 0:27:49..or big pyrotechnic displays.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Shall we have a look at the packaging? Here we are.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55What do you think, looking at these pictures? What do you notice
0:27:55 > 0:27:57about the differences between these two lighters?
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Why is the lady one bent?
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Ha, if you don't know...
0:28:01 > 0:28:03LAUGHTER
0:28:05 > 0:28:08It isn't the first time Bic have been called sexist,
0:28:08 > 0:28:09what other product...?
0:28:09 > 0:28:11They had the biro, didn't they? This is...
0:28:11 > 0:28:12They're doing the same thing again.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15Oh, it's actually called MISS Bic!
0:28:15 > 0:28:18- Miss Bic Flex.- Right. - It's more expensive, as well.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20It's £3.99 and the blue one's £2.99.
0:28:20 > 0:28:21Really?
0:28:21 > 0:28:23But, yes, you're right, Paul.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25They released a range of pens for women called...
0:28:27 > 0:28:29And the pen was described as having a...
0:28:32 > 0:28:33Or Donald Trump's hand.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37This is the news that Bic have been branded sexist for releasing
0:28:37 > 0:28:39a lighter just for women.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41I think a lighter just for ladies is a great idea!
0:28:41 > 0:28:45I use one to light my celebratory cigars when I win poker tournaments.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:51 > 0:28:52Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:28:56 > 0:28:57BUZZER
0:28:57 > 0:28:59- Paul and Richard. - Now, this may be a tribute
0:28:59 > 0:29:01to the late, great John Noakes. There he is.
0:29:01 > 0:29:05That's the footage they showed earlier this week.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07I remember seeing it at the time, when I was at school.
0:29:07 > 0:29:11He's climbing up Nelson's Column long before health and safety.
0:29:11 > 0:29:14Essentially, he's climbing up a ladder that's tied to Nelson.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16It was incredible bravery, wasn't it?
0:29:16 > 0:29:21At this level, the plinth on which Nelson stands overhangs the column.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23I found myself literally hanging from the ladder
0:29:23 > 0:29:25with nothing at all beneath me.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27You told me there was overhang,
0:29:27 > 0:29:30but you didn't tell me it leant to one side, did you?
0:29:30 > 0:29:32No. That was the awkward part.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37There's a cameraman up there with him as well,
0:29:37 > 0:29:40with a great big camera, and maybe even a sound guy. I mean, it's...
0:29:40 > 0:29:42- They've all climbed up.- Yes.
0:29:42 > 0:29:44There was a sound guy.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47- But unfortunately...- Yeah? - ..the sound engineer
0:29:47 > 0:29:49didn't record sound the first time he went up.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52He had to do it again. LAUGHTER
0:29:52 > 0:29:56What happened when John Noakes and a few other Blue Peter presenters
0:29:56 > 0:29:58opened a time capsule?
0:29:58 > 0:30:01BUZZER
0:30:01 > 0:30:03This was one of the landmark experiences of my life.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06- When I was a child... - LAUGHTER
0:30:06 > 0:30:08Seriously, in 1971...
0:30:08 > 0:30:10Yeah, forget the call to the priesthood!
0:30:10 > 0:30:12LAUGHTER
0:30:12 > 0:30:14Forget that moment of divine revelation.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16APPLAUSE
0:30:19 > 0:30:20It's why I do this now!
0:30:20 > 0:30:24They buried a time capsule in 1971, the most exciting thing ever.
0:30:24 > 0:30:27And I realised in the year 2000 when they dug it up and they opened it
0:30:27 > 0:30:29and they just turned it up
0:30:29 > 0:30:33and this kind of brown sludge just poured out!
0:30:33 > 0:30:35And, I don't know, it was not a good...
0:30:35 > 0:30:37It had all got wet, hadn't it?
0:30:37 > 0:30:39A last brilliant John Noakes story.
0:30:39 > 0:30:42What happened when he'd had a bobsleigh accident
0:30:42 > 0:30:45and he wanted to show the bruises on camera?
0:30:45 > 0:30:47- He showed his underpants, or something.- Sort of.
0:30:47 > 0:30:51John Noakes himself told the story that when he took off his trousers
0:30:51 > 0:30:54to show the bruises, he noticed that he was wearing...
0:30:56 > 0:30:59That he'd put on by accident in the dark that morning.
0:30:59 > 0:31:02Oh, yes(!)
0:31:02 > 0:31:04How easy that is to do(!)
0:31:04 > 0:31:07This is the passing of one of the nation's favourite TV presenters,
0:31:07 > 0:31:10the great John Noakes. "Get down, Shep"
0:31:10 > 0:31:12became one of Blue Peter's most famous catchphrases,
0:31:12 > 0:31:14along with "here's one I made earlier"
0:31:14 > 0:31:17and "one of our presenters, Richard, has done a very naughty thing".
0:31:20 > 0:31:23Time now for the Odd One Out Round. Just one between you this week.
0:31:23 > 0:31:24Your four are...
0:31:24 > 0:31:26Prince Harry, Tybalt,
0:31:26 > 0:31:27a dishwasher
0:31:27 > 0:31:28and Charles Darwin.
0:31:28 > 0:31:30- BUZZER - It's an exam question.
0:31:30 > 0:31:35Tybalt was wrongly identified as a member of the Montague household
0:31:35 > 0:31:37- in a GCSE English exam.- Ah, yes.
0:31:37 > 0:31:39- Whereas in fact he was a Capulet. - Yes.
0:31:39 > 0:31:42And these poor students were asked "Why did Tybalt hate the Capulets?"
0:31:42 > 0:31:44Which he didn't, because they were his own family.
0:31:44 > 0:31:47- And what's the odd one out? - Dishwashers...
0:31:48 > 0:31:50LAUGHTER
0:31:50 > 0:31:52It's recently been revealed that dishwashers
0:31:52 > 0:31:56- are very good at washing, erm... - Dishes?
0:31:56 > 0:31:57No, no, no!
0:31:57 > 0:32:00The answer is that dishwashers were also on the exam paper.
0:32:00 > 0:32:02And so was Darwin. This is all in the last month.
0:32:02 > 0:32:06There was a geography paper which asked students about dishwashers
0:32:06 > 0:32:11and they said they'd been preparing for things like climate change, and
0:32:11 > 0:32:16similarly, I think it was a biology paper, and the question was...
0:32:16 > 0:32:19Why had he been drawn like a monkey? In a cartoon.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22And they thought because the reason why he was drawn like a monkey
0:32:22 > 0:32:26was because he had written the evolu... You know, the...
0:32:26 > 0:32:28- Theory of evolution? - On The Origin Of Species.
0:32:28 > 0:32:31- RICHARD:- It will never catch on.
0:32:31 > 0:32:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:32:35 > 0:32:39- And then... Prince Harry is the odd one out.- Why?
0:32:39 > 0:32:45Because they were using his voice in Germany for an English aural exam
0:32:45 > 0:32:47and they decided he didn't speak the Queen's English.
0:32:47 > 0:32:49LAUGHTER
0:32:49 > 0:32:52He was dropped from the German aural exam, there you are.
0:32:52 > 0:32:56That's right. They were all... CHEERING
0:32:58 > 0:33:01They've all been the subject of controversial exam questions
0:33:01 > 0:33:04apart from Prince Harry, one of whose speeches
0:33:04 > 0:33:07featured in an exam question but nobody could understand it.
0:33:07 > 0:33:08What was wrong with Harry's speech?
0:33:08 > 0:33:10Well, I suppose, if it was for Germans,
0:33:10 > 0:33:13if you're going, "OK, yah..." it's not a translation, is it?
0:33:13 > 0:33:16LAUGHTER It's... It's not that the...
0:33:17 > 0:33:20The problem with Harry's speech is that he muttered and mumbled so much
0:33:20 > 0:33:22that thousands of students...
0:33:23 > 0:33:26The geography students, as you say, were cross
0:33:26 > 0:33:28because they were asked about dishwashers.
0:33:28 > 0:33:29They weren't expecting it.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31- Do you know what the question was?- Water.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33Yeah. LAUGHTER
0:33:33 > 0:33:35That's a tough question! Water question!
0:33:35 > 0:33:37No, it was something like...
0:33:37 > 0:33:40"More people are using dishwashers, why is more water being used?"
0:33:40 > 0:33:42- Yeah.- And what percentage of the UK population
0:33:42 > 0:33:44owned dishwashers in 2001?
0:33:44 > 0:33:47Er... Oh, it's on my laptop, er...
0:33:47 > 0:33:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:33:52 > 0:33:55"27% of the UK population owned dishwashers in 2001,
0:33:55 > 0:33:56"and 40% in 2010.
0:33:56 > 0:33:59"Outline why the demand for water is likely to increase in the future."
0:33:59 > 0:34:03- Who can give me a top dishwashing tip?- Yes.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05You can cook fish in dishwashers.
0:34:05 > 0:34:08You've salmon, you wrap it up in tinfoil, put it into the dishwasher,
0:34:08 > 0:34:10you set it at a certain temperature, when it comes out,
0:34:10 > 0:34:12it's perfectly cooked. It's been steamed.
0:34:12 > 0:34:13Why would you do that?
0:34:13 > 0:34:15APPLAUSE
0:34:15 > 0:34:17I'm not saying it's something I do,
0:34:17 > 0:34:18but it was a good answer to your question.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21That's brilliant. That really is a top dishwashing tip.
0:34:21 > 0:34:24Also, you might have lent your fish kettle to your curate. Just saying.
0:34:26 > 0:34:29You know, I was only saying that the other day.
0:34:29 > 0:34:33And, yes, in the GCSE biology exam, students were shown this drawing
0:34:33 > 0:34:36of Charles Darwin as a monkey and they didn't really understand why.
0:34:36 > 0:34:38One student tweeted...
0:34:45 > 0:34:47Tybalt, as you say, the question paper asked why did
0:34:47 > 0:34:50he hate the Capulets and he didn't, he was a Capulet.
0:34:50 > 0:34:51As Shakespeare himself said...
0:34:53 > 0:34:54Or, as the exam board put it...
0:34:59 > 0:35:01Another criticism of the GCSE English exam was that
0:35:01 > 0:35:05it focused less on Romeo and Juliet and more on the characters...
0:35:06 > 0:35:09One student had no problem with that question, tweeting...
0:35:13 > 0:35:15LAUGHTER
0:35:17 > 0:35:20According to the Guardian, the exam board OCR apologised to students
0:35:20 > 0:35:23after asking a question about Tybalt in Romeo and Juliet.
0:35:23 > 0:35:24It's no wonder the students were upset.
0:35:24 > 0:35:27A couple of marks either way in a Shakespeare exam could mean
0:35:27 > 0:35:29the difference between a B and not a B.
0:35:31 > 0:35:32Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:35:32 > 0:35:35which this week features as its guest publication
0:35:35 > 0:35:37Oil Installer, the magazine of the heating industry.
0:35:37 > 0:35:42- That looks like my local priest! - LAUGHTER
0:35:42 > 0:35:43And we start with...
0:35:47 > 0:35:49- RICHARD:- I must get out more instead.
0:35:50 > 0:35:52If anyone gets this, I'll give you £100 of my own money.
0:35:52 > 0:35:53OK, right, here we go!
0:35:55 > 0:35:59I look forward to the arrival of Oil Installer Magazine but...
0:35:59 > 0:36:02I wish you had more colour photographs to indicate
0:36:02 > 0:36:05the wide-ranging aspects of our industry.
0:36:05 > 0:36:07- The opposite!- I look forward...
0:36:07 > 0:36:09I give you £100.
0:36:10 > 0:36:11The answer is...
0:36:16 > 0:36:17Next...
0:36:20 > 0:36:24- Theresa May. - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:27 > 0:36:28The answer is...
0:36:32 > 0:36:34This is the faceless fish that was spotted this week
0:36:34 > 0:36:36for the first time in Australia since 1873.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38Why was that in Oil Installer weekly?
0:36:38 > 0:36:41No, they're not all from Oil Installer.
0:36:43 > 0:36:44Now you tell me!
0:36:44 > 0:36:47According to the scientist who found the fish...
0:36:49 > 0:36:52I think what you found there, mate, is a stick.
0:36:53 > 0:36:56No wonder the guy was complaining about them going off piste,
0:36:56 > 0:36:58the Oil Installer...
0:36:58 > 0:37:01- They've got stories about faceless fish.- It's not from Oil Installer!
0:37:01 > 0:37:04- You said, very distinctly... - It's from Faceless Fish Weekly.
0:37:06 > 0:37:08- It might have been a fossil fuel. - Ooh.- Ooh.
0:37:08 > 0:37:10Very good.
0:37:10 > 0:37:12PAUL TAPS HIS GLASS
0:37:12 > 0:37:13Next...
0:37:17 > 0:37:20Man accidentally buys his girlfriend ratchet spanner
0:37:20 > 0:37:21instead of fidget spinner.
0:37:21 > 0:37:23Yes!
0:37:23 > 0:37:24LAUGHTER
0:37:24 > 0:37:26Is it blue lighter instead of nice, pink one?
0:37:33 > 0:37:35LAUGHTER
0:37:35 > 0:37:37This is a man in Houston who thought he was buying
0:37:37 > 0:37:39a bouquet of flowers for his girlfriend.
0:37:39 > 0:37:42Actually, his girlfriend loved the lettuce, and later that night,
0:37:42 > 0:37:44took him upstairs and radished him.
0:37:45 > 0:37:47Next...
0:37:48 > 0:37:49She's been tested,
0:37:49 > 0:37:52she's had a mescaline cocktail with Gloria Hunniford.
0:37:52 > 0:37:55- No, she ate a seeded loaf. - Poppy seed.
0:37:55 > 0:37:57And she's been tested for opium.
0:37:57 > 0:38:00She's had a degree of morphine in a system, because you get
0:38:00 > 0:38:02morphine from poppy seeds.
0:38:02 > 0:38:05Yeah, high as a kite, after all these years.
0:38:05 > 0:38:07I think you should probably both get a point for that.
0:38:07 > 0:38:08Because the answer is...
0:38:13 > 0:38:14Poppy seed loaf.
0:38:14 > 0:38:16Isn't that one of Jamie Oliver's children?
0:38:18 > 0:38:19LAUGHTER
0:38:19 > 0:38:21Next...
0:38:22 > 0:38:25- RICHARD:- Covfefe!
0:38:27 > 0:38:28Dirty.
0:38:28 > 0:38:30Oil!
0:38:30 > 0:38:32Oil: no longer a dirty word.
0:38:32 > 0:38:34According to Oil Installer, oil is no longer a dirty word.
0:38:34 > 0:38:36Well, that depends on your point of view.
0:38:36 > 0:38:39For some, oil is refined. For others, it's crude.
0:38:41 > 0:38:43Next...
0:38:45 > 0:38:46- RICHARD:- Ovaltine!- Hair!
0:38:48 > 0:38:51Prayer!
0:38:51 > 0:38:53LAUGHTER
0:38:53 > 0:38:54The answer is...
0:38:59 > 0:39:02It's been revealed that chemicals found in the wasabi plant
0:39:02 > 0:39:03help regrow hair.
0:39:03 > 0:39:06According to one report...
0:39:09 > 0:39:12On the plus side, it wouldn't have any hairs in it.
0:39:13 > 0:39:14And finally...
0:39:17 > 0:39:19- ADAM:- Fly short distances.
0:39:19 > 0:39:20- RICHARD:- Cluck longer.
0:39:20 > 0:39:22PAUL LAUGHS
0:39:27 > 0:39:29Scientist revealed this week that birds with small brains are
0:39:29 > 0:39:33associated with promiscuity, with females being the guiltiest of all.
0:39:33 > 0:39:34According to the research...
0:39:36 > 0:39:38Followed by the guillemot, while the common shag
0:39:38 > 0:39:41was what they called the sparrow who lived opposite.
0:39:42 > 0:39:45- Did you hear about the gay vultures this week?- Gay vultures?- Yeah.
0:39:45 > 0:39:49There's these gay vultures in a zoo in Amsterdam.
0:39:49 > 0:39:50And they were...
0:39:50 > 0:39:54There was an abandoned vulture egg, and they kind of adopted it.
0:39:54 > 0:39:57As...daddy and daddy. I'm not kidding.
0:39:57 > 0:39:58It was in the newspapers.
0:39:58 > 0:40:00And the gay vultures hatched this egg.
0:40:00 > 0:40:04And they're now doing their very best to raise their baby vulture
0:40:04 > 0:40:06in a loving, stable,
0:40:06 > 0:40:08strong and stable relationship.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10And that was Thought For The Day.
0:40:10 > 0:40:14LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
0:40:18 > 0:40:20So, the final scores are Ian and Adam with six,
0:40:20 > 0:40:22Paul and Richard with seven. APPLAUSE
0:40:22 > 0:40:25Congratulations, sir. Well done.
0:40:25 > 0:40:27It's just rigged.
0:40:27 > 0:40:28Definitely rigged.
0:40:32 > 0:40:34And I leave you with news that in Brussels,
0:40:34 > 0:40:38as world leaders gather for a photo opportunity, Theresa May insists
0:40:38 > 0:40:41that the UK and United States still have a special relationship.
0:40:44 > 0:40:46LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
0:40:51 > 0:40:53In Central London,
0:40:53 > 0:40:55there's the unusual sight of a Lib Dem celebrating victory.
0:40:59 > 0:41:02On the campaign trail, one man's attempt to convince the electorate
0:41:02 > 0:41:05that he is strong on defence doesn't go as planned.
0:41:08 > 0:41:11And following her failure to win the French presidency,
0:41:11 > 0:41:13Marine Le Pen's head of security assures her
0:41:13 > 0:41:16that her campaign manager has been dealt with.
0:41:16 > 0:41:18LAUGHTER
0:41:22 > 0:41:23Goodnight.