0:00:02 > 0:00:05I would love to have hair that colour.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07- CREW:- Set voice level, please, Angela.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09OK, I'm really pleased to see that David has joined
0:00:09 > 0:00:13the Angela Rayner Appreciation Society tonight with his hair.
0:00:13 > 0:00:14CHEERING
0:00:40 > 0:00:45This programme contains some strong language
0:00:45 > 0:00:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:47 > 0:00:50WOLF WHISTLES
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57I'm David Tennant.
0:00:57 > 0:00:58In the news this week...
0:00:58 > 0:01:00In Westminster, the Government denies
0:01:00 > 0:01:03that its pledge to build 300,000 new homes
0:01:03 > 0:01:04is slightly behind schedule.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14In Lapland, a group of disappointed children
0:01:14 > 0:01:16find out why they've all been given three-volume biographies
0:01:16 > 0:01:17of Karl Marx.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27APPLAUSE
0:01:27 > 0:01:31And on her first day working at a Christmas tree farm in Scotland,
0:01:31 > 0:01:34there's evidence one intern still has a lot to learn.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40APPLAUSE
0:01:40 > 0:01:43On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who recently
0:01:43 > 0:01:47made a film about his quest to find the UK's largest Scotch egg.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Not quite up there with The Last Jedi, but a noble effort.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Please welcome Joe Wilkinson!
0:01:52 > 0:01:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:56 > 0:02:00And with Paul tonight is Labour's Shadow Education Secretary,
0:02:00 > 0:02:02who admits that she's done pretty well for a ginger kid
0:02:02 > 0:02:05with no qualifications who grew up on an estate.
0:02:05 > 0:02:06Yeah, almost as well as Prince Harry.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Please welcome Angela Rayner MP!
0:02:09 > 0:02:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:14 > 0:02:16We start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Ian and Joe, take a look at this.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Ah, that was the Prime Minister at time of going out.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26That's David Davis, trying to negotiate a step.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Right, and this is subtle negotiations.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Oh, yes, she's amused, too.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- That's one of the rebels. This is Brexit again.- Yes.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39There was a rebellion, and Mrs May lost,
0:02:39 > 0:02:42and David Davis made some admissions.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45The one I liked was that, "You don't have to be clever to do his job."
0:02:46 > 0:02:48We've noticed!
0:02:48 > 0:02:50He is thick, isn't he?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53He is, isn't he?
0:02:53 > 0:02:54Is he?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00APPLAUSE
0:03:00 > 0:03:01Well, he's not my first choice.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- There you go.- Is he not?
0:03:03 > 0:03:04Then, nor was Jeremy, was he?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11APPLAUSE
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Just saying, just saying!
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Wasn't there scrapping, as well?
0:03:15 > 0:03:19Didn't the Cabinet start fighting each other this week, apparently?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Oh, do tell!
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Well, apparently, there was quite the fight on,
0:03:23 > 0:03:25and Theresa May had to split up some of her Cabinet colleagues.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29- What, physically weighed in and go... - GRUFF VOICE:- .."Leave it out!"?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Was that Theresa May? Is she here?
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Is she here? I heard her voice, is she here?!
0:03:36 > 0:03:37That's her real voice.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40She just puts on that vicar's-daughter thing.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43What were the Tory rebels after?
0:03:43 > 0:03:48- They were after Parliament having a final vote on Brexit.- Yes.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51On the idea that the referendum was taking back control,
0:03:51 > 0:03:54so Parliament was meant to make the laws.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Even for Brexit, this is dull, isn't it?
0:04:00 > 0:04:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:07 > 0:04:09It's about taking back control,
0:04:09 > 0:04:11and previously, we'd taken back control of our country
0:04:11 > 0:04:14and given it to ten people in Northern Ireland.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15And...
0:04:17 > 0:04:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:18 > 0:04:20..we're now giving it back to Parliament, to you.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- Yes.- What happened? Was it thrilling?- Well, it felt brilliant.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24I've been there two and a half years,
0:04:24 > 0:04:27and it's the first time I'd seen them looking absolutely miserable,
0:04:27 > 0:04:28so it felt fantastic...
0:04:30 > 0:04:32..if I'm honest!
0:04:32 > 0:04:34I like democracy.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35Is it good when you're winning?
0:04:35 > 0:04:38I know it's new, but...
0:04:38 > 0:04:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:41 > 0:04:44The amendment itself is relatively nonpartisan,
0:04:44 > 0:04:48but how did the Daily Mail describe the 11 Tory rebels?
0:04:48 > 0:04:51The headline said, "Proud of yourself?"
0:04:51 > 0:04:53- It did. Yes. - As though they were the headmaster
0:04:53 > 0:04:56and they'd just found some children smoking.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58This was the front page
0:04:58 > 0:04:59you were referring to.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00That's the worst team West Ham
0:05:00 > 0:05:01have ever put out.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08What did Tory MP Nadine Dorries think of the rebels in her party?
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Well, she got quite nasty, didn't she?
0:05:11 > 0:05:12They were very vicious.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15I think she was calling for deselections, apparently.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17She was, she was furious.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18Trying to deselect people? That's...
0:05:18 > 0:05:21She'll join Momentum next!
0:05:21 > 0:05:22She tweeted...
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Which is interesting, cos Nadine herself
0:05:30 > 0:05:32has rebelled against her party 47 times.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Didn't Nadine go in the forest, as well?
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- She went in I'm A Celebrity, didn't she?- She did, didn't she?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41- Is it a forest? I thought it was a jungle!- Well, jungle, yeah!
0:05:41 > 0:05:43A bit green!
0:05:43 > 0:05:46If you're a B-list celebrity, you go into the forest.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48If you're an A-list, it's the jungle.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50If you're C-list, it's a thicket.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55APPLAUSE
0:05:57 > 0:06:02And what did the rebels do to further incense their Euro-sceptic colleagues?
0:06:02 > 0:06:07They sang the EU national anthem as they danced through the lobby.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09I missed that.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12I made that bit up. I'm just trying.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15According to the Telegraph...
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Scandal.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23What, one bottle between 11 of them?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27It's austerity.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Work hard, play hard.
0:06:32 > 0:06:38And all this of course just when Theresa May thought she'd got away with her Irish fudge.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- Indeed.- But what did David Davis do to upset the Europeans?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43He woke up.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48- He said it wasn't necessarily binding.- Yes.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51He might as well have, after everything he said, just winked.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Of course we're going to pay 39 billion.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59If David Davis was, for instance,
0:06:59 > 0:07:02coming at you with a samurai sword, how would you repel him?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04I would just say, "Is that a sword?"
0:07:04 > 0:07:07And he would go, "Oh, I don't know."
0:07:07 > 0:07:09I would probably ask him how he got in my house.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Can't be that thick, we've got double locks.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Is this some sort of citizenship test?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23David Davis has an Achilles heel that we should all be aware of.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25It's orange juice, apparently.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Ah.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31He says...
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Which must be why, according to the Times, the new EU negotiators
0:07:37 > 0:07:40always put it on the table when he turns up for meetings.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Angela, do you think there'll come a time
0:07:43 > 0:07:47when Jeremy Corbyn will say anything about what he thinks about Brexit?
0:07:48 > 0:07:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Jeremy's been absolutely clear on our Brexit position.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Has he, though?
0:07:58 > 0:07:59Yeah.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02What is it, then? Spell it out for us!
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- We want a strong economy with good jobs.- Yes...
0:08:05 > 0:08:06That's what everybody wants from Brexit.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08No, that's an aspiration, that's not a policy.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Well, you know...
0:08:10 > 0:08:12We want to be closely aligned
0:08:12 > 0:08:14to the single market and the customs union.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16- Yes...- Do you want to be in them?
0:08:16 > 0:08:18We've not said we wanted to be in them, necessarily.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19I know what you've NOT said!
0:08:21 > 0:08:23I think we've been absolutely clear.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25- Do you?! - Absolutely clear, in fact...
0:08:26 > 0:08:29..in fact, we've been that clear that Theresa May
0:08:29 > 0:08:31is now actually doing what Keir had said all along.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34I love it when people say, "I'm being absolutely clear,"
0:08:34 > 0:08:35cos you know what's coming.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41Why do some commentators think that Theresa May will survive this?
0:08:41 > 0:08:42Cos nobody else wants the job.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45It's too miserable,
0:08:45 > 0:08:48and she has got incredible skill at just taking the blows.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54She's one of those people, oh, they smash her head in,
0:08:54 > 0:08:57cut her arms off, she goes, "Yes, I'm getting on with the job."
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Hit her, "I'm walking along here!"
0:09:00 > 0:09:03It doesn't matter, you blow her up, piano falls on her head.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06I mean, it's a skill!
0:09:06 > 0:09:10APPLAUSE
0:09:11 > 0:09:14- Ian, it's what women do - we just get on with it.- Right!
0:09:14 > 0:09:16- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Whoo!
0:09:16 > 0:09:19APPLAUSE
0:09:19 > 0:09:2051% clap...
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Was that your last medical?
0:09:26 > 0:09:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:36 > 0:09:37- JOE:- Could I swap teams?
0:09:41 > 0:09:43According to the Times...
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Talking of polls, Theresa May did top one this week.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Anyone know what that was?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Person least likely to be Prime Minister?
0:10:00 > 0:10:04- It was the best modern Christmas cracker joke.- Fantastic!
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- You want to hear the joke? - Yeah, absolutely!- Yeah?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09- She didn't write it, by the way.- No.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12It was written by a bloke called Samuel Williams, and it's this.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE
0:10:20 > 0:10:21No, no...
0:10:21 > 0:10:23But what's a nativity manager? That's not a job, is it?
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Well, exactly.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28That's where the joke falls down, just a bit.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30I think what Samuel has done is he started
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- with "stable government"... - Yeah.- And he's gone back...
0:10:32 > 0:10:34..and tried desperately to make it work
0:10:34 > 0:10:36- and then fucked it up, which... - Yeah, exactly.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39..which I think we've seen before, somewhere.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Did you see what Theresa May took a fancy to
0:10:48 > 0:10:50- in Maidenhead this week?- No.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54It was a sparkly shoe on a Christmas tree. Look at this.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56- Oh, yes.- There she is.
0:10:58 > 0:10:59Grabbing it!
0:11:01 > 0:11:03While she was browsing, she got stared out
0:11:03 > 0:11:04by an artificial reindeer.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Maybe she'd like one of these.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Jerry Christmas!
0:11:15 > 0:11:17I got a Jeremy Corbyn annual.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21You got a cut-out Jeremy mask and a fact finder,
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Diane Abbott and Theresa May, and things like that,
0:11:24 > 0:11:26it's very interesting!
0:11:26 > 0:11:28A Diane Abbott fact finder?!
0:11:30 > 0:11:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:35 > 0:11:38How many days are there in Christmas, is it the 12?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Or was it 80 billion?
0:11:45 > 0:11:46No, Jerry Christmas to all.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Jeremy Christmas, a magical, bearded old man
0:11:50 > 0:11:52who all the children believe in.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:59 > 0:12:00Who makes your dreams come true!
0:12:00 > 0:12:01Nice!
0:12:03 > 0:12:07Finally, what has Michael Gove said yes to?
0:12:07 > 0:12:08Leadership?
0:12:08 > 0:12:09No.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11He wouldn't be so bold.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14A trip to Dignitas?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18APPLAUSE
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Beavers.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Michael Gove says yes to Beavers.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30It's all part of the Government's caring charm offensive to try
0:12:30 > 0:12:32and win back young voters.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34The Forest of Dean is the test region to see
0:12:34 > 0:12:36if they can improve biodiversity.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40I wonder what effect a family of beavers will have on the ancient
0:12:40 > 0:12:41and vulnerable Forest.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Anyway, this is Theresa May's Commons defeat
0:12:48 > 0:12:50over the European Withdrawal Bill.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53David Davis has compared the Cabinet negotiations
0:12:53 > 0:12:54over Brexit to...
0:12:56 > 0:12:58..and thanks to Damian Green,
0:12:58 > 0:13:00they're now wondering whether to make a pawn sacrifice.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06According to the Sun, Boris Johnson claimed...
0:13:11 > 0:13:14At which point, his wife shrieked with delight and called her lawyer.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Asked what the requirements of his job in negotiating Brussels are,
0:13:20 > 0:13:22David Davis said...
0:13:26 > 0:13:29So why not replace him with a scented candle?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Paul and Angela, take a look at this.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40A man looking through a telescope and then trusting his own eye...
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Ah, yes, this is the object that's coming into our solar system,
0:13:43 > 0:13:44it looks like that.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47I don't know what those people are.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51Yeah, this thing, it's about 400 metres long and 40 metres wide,
0:13:51 > 0:13:53and it's come from outside of our solar system.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56We're looking at it to see if it's sending out any radio signals.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58- Mm-hm.- They've got a machine that can pick up a signal
0:13:58 > 0:14:00that's as little as a mobile phone signal -
0:14:00 > 0:14:03but seeing as people often can't get signals on their mobile phone,
0:14:03 > 0:14:05how they're going to pick one up from that, I don't know.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09- But, yeah, they're potentially very excited about it.- Hmm.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12- Stephen Hawking said it could be the real thing.- Yeah.
0:14:12 > 0:14:13- Could have aliens in it.- It could!
0:14:13 > 0:14:15I hope there are aliens, cos it would be nice
0:14:15 > 0:14:17to make a few new friends, wouldn't it?
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Yeah, especially around Christmas time.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Yeah. We need one more for badminton next week.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26It is exciting news - the first ever object to reach us
0:14:26 > 0:14:30from outside our solar system might just be an alien spaceship.
0:14:30 > 0:14:31Yes, wouldn't it be great?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Apparently, Number Ten said it said, "Take me to your leader,"
0:14:34 > 0:14:35so it went to Belfast.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:41 > 0:14:44It's a good job we've got you here. Was there anything in your travels,
0:14:44 > 0:14:47does it look familiar to you in any sense or shape or form?
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Have you ever seen anything like that before, that you can remember?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52It looks like something off Blue Planet
0:14:52 > 0:14:54and David Attenborough is going to say something any time now.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Yes, sperm whale.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59- ATTENBOROUGH VOICE: - Winter comes to space.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Is David Attenborough here?! Is he here?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05- It's incredible, he's with Theresa May.- Is he?
0:15:05 > 0:15:07- GRUFF VOICE:- Leave it out, David.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Looks like a giant space jobby.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15The TURDIS.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:16 > 0:15:17No, no...
0:15:21 > 0:15:22Doctor Poo?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Close Encounters Of The Turd Kind.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32I really want to think of one!
0:15:35 > 0:15:37I'm holding them all in!
0:15:37 > 0:15:38That's not...
0:15:38 > 0:15:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:41 > 0:15:43That's not healthy.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49But it is the wrong shape to be an astronoid...
0:15:49 > 0:15:50- An astronoid?- Yes!
0:15:51 > 0:15:53It is the wrong shape...
0:15:53 > 0:15:55How did you get through that script?
0:15:57 > 0:15:59"It's an astronoid, Doctor!" Sonic...
0:16:01 > 0:16:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:07 > 0:16:09- It's also the wrong shape to be an asteroid.- Ah!
0:16:09 > 0:16:11And researchers have pointed out...
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Any other tells that it's a spaceship?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Any other telltale signs?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27It's in space?
0:16:27 > 0:16:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:29 > 0:16:32It's the very thing they're looking for! The very thing!
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Yes.
0:16:34 > 0:16:35Got to be clever to do her job!
0:16:38 > 0:16:40It may also be made of metal.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42I mean, it might also be made of cheese!
0:16:42 > 0:16:44And it's very clean.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48House-proud aliens.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Has someone gone up to it and gone...?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55It was named in Hawaii.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Its official name is A/2017 UI.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Do you know what sexier name the scientists have given it?
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Pretty much anything.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06- It begins with an O and there's a couple of Ms in it...- Yes.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08..but I don't know how it's pronounced.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10- 'Oumuamua.- Oh, really?- Yes.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11Actually, I take it back.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:17 > 0:17:19'Oumuamua, which loosely means...
0:17:22 > 0:17:26Second choice of name was apparently Rees-Mogg.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:33 > 0:17:34I'm getting an update.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Turns out it is actually an alien spaceship
0:17:37 > 0:17:40and they are all laughing at our mashed potato. So...
0:17:43 > 0:17:45That's a joke trapped in time.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50That lady really liked it.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52That was a great ad.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Apparently, 'Oumuamua...
0:17:58 > 0:18:02But Harvard astrophysicist Avi Loeb
0:18:02 > 0:18:05cheerfully yet scarily explains that away.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08He said 'Oumuamua might just be coasting...
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Yes.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20Did he get his degree online?
0:18:20 > 0:18:23LAUGHTER
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Joe, who did you ask to speak to when you landed?
0:18:29 > 0:18:31I said, "Take me to Alton Towers."
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Cracking little rides, aren't they?
0:18:38 > 0:18:41And I had a TGI Friday's and that is why I decided to stay.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46If you don't believe I'm an alien, I'll show you my green feet.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Sure.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51OK, I might have pushed my hand a little too far there.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Can anyone tell me the name of the very large telescope that was
0:18:54 > 0:18:57used to confirm 'Oumuamua wasn't a comet?
0:18:57 > 0:19:00It's something like Green Bank or something like that.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02- Jodrell Bank.- Now.
0:19:02 > 0:19:03Was green in the name?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05It's called...
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Come on, scientists, up your game!
0:19:11 > 0:19:14What is Donald Trump planning to do in space soon?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17He said he's going to send men back to the moon,
0:19:17 > 0:19:19and then from there, jump on to Mars,
0:19:19 > 0:19:22- that's the next thing to do, to go from the moon to Mars.- He did.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24He announced this week he wants to send astronauts back to the moon
0:19:24 > 0:19:27for the first time since 1972.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30He said the goal of the new mission to the moon would include...
0:19:34 > 0:19:36He's going to open a golf course, isn't he?
0:19:36 > 0:19:37LAUGHTER
0:19:39 > 0:19:40He does, of course,
0:19:40 > 0:19:43have a notoriously short attention span, Donald Trump.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45How did they keep him interested as he signed the directive
0:19:45 > 0:19:47to send astronauts back to the moon?
0:19:47 > 0:19:49- JOE:- Bag of Lego?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Surprisingly close.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54They gave him a toy astronaut to play with.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Look at this.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00LAUGHTER
0:20:05 > 0:20:06APPLAUSE
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Look at his little face!
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Look at it.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16You can see him going, "To insanity and beyond."
0:20:17 > 0:20:20- JOE:- That fellow's telling him not to eat it.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24"Don't put it in your mouth!
0:20:24 > 0:20:25"Keep it out of your mouth!
0:20:25 > 0:20:27"Dirty boy!"
0:20:30 > 0:20:33What did we learn about Trump's daily routine this week?
0:20:33 > 0:20:36I think he has 12 Diet Cokes a day.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Indeed. He drinks 12 cans of Diet Coke daily.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Coca-Cola have been quick to react, offering Trump a multimillion
0:20:42 > 0:20:44dollar deal to start drinking Pepsi instead.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48APPLAUSE
0:20:50 > 0:20:53This is the strange object that recently entered our solar system
0:20:53 > 0:20:56that some people think could be an alien spacecraft.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59According to the Times, as the craft swings by the Earth,
0:20:59 > 0:21:00it's travelling at...
0:21:01 > 0:21:05The only thing that can stop that is a light dusting of snow.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09The object is called 'Oumuamua
0:21:09 > 0:21:12and comes from the old Hawaiian phrase
0:21:12 > 0:21:14for two actors meeting at the Ivy.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15"Oh, mwah, mwah!"
0:21:15 > 0:21:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:21 > 0:21:24This week, Donald Trump has announced plans to go to the moon,
0:21:24 > 0:21:27leading half a million angry Clangers to sign a petition...
0:21:29 > 0:21:31..and the Republicans lost a seat in the Senate this week
0:21:31 > 0:21:34when the voters of Alabama rejected Roy Moore,
0:21:34 > 0:21:37a right wing, homophobic, evangelical child molester.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40He's so vile, even Putin didn't want to help.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45In America, on CNN, they say "ALLEGED child molester"
0:21:45 > 0:21:47but, er, you go for it!
0:21:51 > 0:21:52Come and get me, Roy!
0:21:54 > 0:21:55- JOE:- I wouldn't say that!
0:21:56 > 0:21:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:01 > 0:22:02His horse is called Sassy.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Why?
0:22:08 > 0:22:11I just didn't think that would be the name of his horse.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14Riding about like that.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Onto round two, the Picture Spin Quiz.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28BUZZER
0:22:28 > 0:22:30I think this is about man flu.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31Yes.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33What's been discovered this week?
0:22:33 > 0:22:34It doesn't exist.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36- AUDIENCE:- Awwww!
0:22:36 > 0:22:37Oh, really?
0:22:38 > 0:22:41- But it does exist, and men do suffer it worse than...- Do we?
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Absolutely. Yes.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46There's a tendency to impersonate Mother Teresa.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52I'm not saying it's one of her best looks, but...
0:22:53 > 0:22:56This is the news that the phenomenon known as man flu
0:22:56 > 0:22:57has been proven by science,
0:22:57 > 0:23:00or at least, by one male scientist.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01LAUGHTER
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Dr Kyle Sue from the Memorial University in Newfoundland
0:23:04 > 0:23:09says that man flu can be traced back to our caveman days, when...
0:23:16 > 0:23:18LAUGHTER
0:23:18 > 0:23:20A thank you wouldn't hurt.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28How does Dr Sue suggest we should respond to these findings?
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Greater understanding.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31- Exactly.- Yeah.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40LAUGHTER
0:23:40 > 0:23:42He's a doctor, it must be true!
0:23:49 > 0:23:51LAUGHTER
0:23:51 > 0:23:54A lot of women would say the world is a male-friendly space.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56But...
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Why should we take Dr Sue's study with a little pinch of salt?
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Is he not a proper doctor?
0:24:02 > 0:24:04He is a proper doctor, and it's a genuine piece of research -
0:24:04 > 0:24:06but it turns out that the British Medical Journal
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- likes to have a little bit of fun in December...- Oh, do they?
0:24:09 > 0:24:12..and although the article is based on real findings,
0:24:12 > 0:24:14the arguments are perhaps a little tongue-in-cheek.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16With that in mind,
0:24:16 > 0:24:19who's responsible for destroying the NHS?
0:24:19 > 0:24:20LAUGHTER
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Jeremy Hunt?
0:24:24 > 0:24:25- No, that IS a fact.- Oh, yeah.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29According to Dr Catherine Bell, a GP,
0:24:29 > 0:24:32it is scourge of the public services...
0:24:32 > 0:24:33..Peppa Pig.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Oh, yes! I saw this.
0:24:35 > 0:24:36What's Peppa been doing wrong?
0:24:36 > 0:24:40Well, the doctor in Peppa Pig is really nice
0:24:40 > 0:24:43and gives you 25 minutes and organises tests
0:24:43 > 0:24:45and doesn't say, "I'm short of time,"
0:24:45 > 0:24:48- and people have got unrealistic expectations.- Yeah.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50So they go along expecting there to be a pig,
0:24:50 > 0:24:51literally, as the doctor.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Dr Bell has published an article arguing that...
0:25:04 > 0:25:08- JOE:- Yeah, but I've seen an episode of Thomas the Tank Engine
0:25:08 > 0:25:11where Thomas has got a nasty rash
0:25:11 > 0:25:13and he doesn't go to the doctor
0:25:13 > 0:25:14and his crankshaft falls off.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18So...
0:25:18 > 0:25:20..who are you going to believe?
0:25:22 > 0:25:23I'm just saying.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26- ANGELA:- My three-year-old watched Peppa Pig and was constantly
0:25:26 > 0:25:28ringing the doctors, asking for an appointment.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Do you know... What's the name? Do you remember the name
0:25:30 > 0:25:31of the doctor in Peppa Pig?
0:25:31 > 0:25:33- I don't remember.- Is it Dr Locum?
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Dr Brown Bear.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39But is that a bear?
0:25:39 > 0:25:40Well, no, no...
0:25:40 > 0:25:42- No, it's a drawing.- Ah.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43LAUGHTER
0:25:44 > 0:25:47- JOE:- Anyone who uses a cucumber for a phone should not be trusted.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Dr Bell takes issue with Dr Brown Bear's...
0:25:56 > 0:25:58LAUGHTER
0:25:59 > 0:26:01In Pedro's Cough...
0:26:05 > 0:26:07What does Dr Brown Bear do?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09He says, "You're just a little hoarse!"
0:26:09 > 0:26:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Thank you.
0:26:16 > 0:26:17Thank you very much.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Dr Brown Bear makes an urgent visit to the playgroup...
0:26:23 > 0:26:26The Daily Telegraph referred to one example where...
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Presumably a classic case of pork scratching.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44What was Dr Brown Bear's response to these allegations?
0:26:44 > 0:26:46GROWLS LIKE A BEAR
0:26:47 > 0:26:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Unfortunately, according to the BMJ...
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Criticising the role of Dr Brown Bear in Peppa Pig,
0:27:04 > 0:27:05the author of the report says...
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Who gives a shit?
0:27:12 > 0:27:14It just shuts the kids up for five minutes!
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Ian and Joe, your four are Lembit Opik,
0:27:22 > 0:27:24the cast of Cats the Musical,
0:27:24 > 0:27:26the Vienna Chamber Orchestra
0:27:26 > 0:27:28and Pharaoh Psamtik III.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31- JOE:- She's balancing quite nicely on him, isn't she?
0:27:31 > 0:27:33LAUGHTER
0:27:36 > 0:27:37Takes some doing.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39I'm thinking Cats,
0:27:39 > 0:27:41cos I know that Lembit got bit on the penis
0:27:41 > 0:27:43by a sausage dog, didn't he?
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Yes. You're heading in the right direction.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47- Did he really?- Oh, yeah.
0:27:47 > 0:27:48LAUGHTER
0:27:50 > 0:27:52You know a lot of interesting stuff.
0:27:52 > 0:27:53Yeah.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55You Google the right stuff, you'll find it.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59So, that's all I have got.
0:28:00 > 0:28:04Well, everything is about cats except Lembit, that's about dogs.
0:28:04 > 0:28:05Try it the other way around.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Everything, as I said...
0:28:07 > 0:28:09LAUGHTER
0:28:09 > 0:28:12..is about dogs, except one of them's about cats.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14That's right.
0:28:14 > 0:28:15Which one might it be?
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Ah, it's not important.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Well, Lembit, then, he's the odd one out,
0:28:19 > 0:28:21cos he was bitten by a dog on his penis.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23I didn't bite him, a dog did.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26No, dogs are the common theme.
0:28:26 > 0:28:27That's what I said the first time.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29- Cats are the... - Cats is the odd one out,
0:28:29 > 0:28:31cos that's about cats and the other three are about dogs.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34- That's what I said the first time. - I've got a headache.- No, no, not...
0:28:34 > 0:28:35LAUGHTER
0:28:35 > 0:28:37It's about cats, but Cats isn't the odd one out.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40- Oh.- What's happening? - Can we go back in time?
0:28:41 > 0:28:44Go back in time and that might give you a clue
0:28:44 > 0:28:46- to which one the odd one out is. - The Pharaoh.
0:28:46 > 0:28:47There we go! We got there.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49APPLAUSE
0:28:51 > 0:28:54They've all been interrupted by dogs,
0:28:54 > 0:28:55apart from Pharaoh Psamtik III,
0:28:55 > 0:28:58who was interrupted by cats.
0:28:58 > 0:29:02In what was called the Battle of Pelusium, in 525 BC,
0:29:02 > 0:29:05the Egyptian armies were marching out towards the Persians
0:29:05 > 0:29:07when the invading army deployed their secret weapon -
0:29:07 > 0:29:09cats.
0:29:09 > 0:29:11The Egyptians saw cats as a sacred animal,
0:29:11 > 0:29:13were too scared to attack the enemy and ended up losing the battle.
0:29:13 > 0:29:16- Fantastic!- Not a question you would normally expect
0:29:16 > 0:29:18in a topical news quiz, but...
0:29:21 > 0:29:24I suppose we've only just translated the hieroglyphics, have we?
0:29:24 > 0:29:27How did a dog upstage the Vienna Chamber Orchestra
0:29:27 > 0:29:29in a recent performance?
0:29:29 > 0:29:31It conducted the entire works of Johann Strauss.
0:29:31 > 0:29:33No, BACH, surely!
0:29:33 > 0:29:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:35 > 0:29:36It has got to be Bach.
0:29:38 > 0:29:40It's a little more pedestrian. Let's have a look.
0:29:42 > 0:29:43CLASSICAL MUSIC
0:29:43 > 0:29:45LAUGHTER
0:29:48 > 0:29:50APPLAUSE
0:29:56 > 0:29:57Lovely.
0:29:57 > 0:30:00Labradors are known attention-seekers.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02Have a look at what one did to try and get on the news
0:30:02 > 0:30:04in Texas earlier this year.
0:30:04 > 0:30:06- REPORTER:- As far as the rest of the area...
0:30:06 > 0:30:09Oh, my God! Come see!
0:30:09 > 0:30:11Look at that dog!
0:30:11 > 0:30:13SHE LAUGHS
0:30:15 > 0:30:18LAUGHTER
0:30:18 > 0:30:20That is so great!
0:30:26 > 0:30:28Surely that's the same dog on his way to Vienna!
0:30:31 > 0:30:34- JOE:- He actually looks annoyed that they're filming him.
0:30:35 > 0:30:38According to the Mail, a Broadway performance of Cats
0:30:38 > 0:30:41was halted when an overexcited dog in the audience broke free
0:30:41 > 0:30:42from his owner and...
0:30:47 > 0:30:49Tragically, the dog was quickly brought under control
0:30:49 > 0:30:51and the performance could continue.
0:30:51 > 0:30:52LAUGHTER
0:30:54 > 0:30:56Witnesses described the dog
0:30:56 > 0:30:58as looking like a cross between a Shih Tzu and a pug,
0:30:58 > 0:31:01before realising that was Andrew Lloyd Webber.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:31:06 > 0:31:08Paul and Angela, your four are...
0:31:08 > 0:31:13Jeremy Corbyn, Blendo the robot, Vince Cable
0:31:13 > 0:31:16and former UK Scrabble champion Allan Simmons.
0:31:16 > 0:31:19Now, the only Scrabble story in recent times
0:31:19 > 0:31:21is the guy that was accused of cheating.
0:31:21 > 0:31:22- Is it this guy?- Yes.- OK.
0:31:22 > 0:31:25It's something to do in Scrabble. There's a method where you put your
0:31:25 > 0:31:28hand into the bag in a certain way and show there's nothing in it.
0:31:28 > 0:31:31But he's been doing it in perhaps a more surreptitious way.
0:31:31 > 0:31:32So that's him.
0:31:32 > 0:31:34Vince Cable is certainly the odd one out there
0:31:34 > 0:31:38because he is only the one fronting the advert for Cadbury's Milk Tray.
0:31:39 > 0:31:42Blendo the robot, I mean, how can a robot be cheating?
0:31:42 > 0:31:44There was four little men inside it?
0:31:44 > 0:31:46Perhaps the makers were cheating.
0:31:46 > 0:31:49In the wars. He is from Robot Wars, is he?
0:31:49 > 0:31:51Blendo the robot is from Battlebots.
0:31:51 > 0:31:53No, you'd better give us the answer.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55They've all been excluded from
0:31:55 > 0:31:57competitions for being too good,
0:31:57 > 0:31:59apart from UK Scrabble champion Allan Simmons who has been
0:31:59 > 0:32:02banned from competitive Scrabble after allegedly cheating.
0:32:02 > 0:32:04How did Alan react to his ban?
0:32:04 > 0:32:06He was lost for words.
0:32:09 > 0:32:11No, he was a bit defensive.
0:32:11 > 0:32:12He said...
0:32:27 > 0:32:31What was Blendo the robot excluded from?
0:32:31 > 0:32:33From the American version of Robot Wars.
0:32:33 > 0:32:34Yes, indeed. Twice.
0:32:34 > 0:32:37In the 1990s he was excluded on two separate occasions.
0:32:37 > 0:32:40Blendo was so good at destroying the other robots that pieces of its
0:32:40 > 0:32:44opponents would be thrown over the arena walls and into the audience.
0:32:44 > 0:32:46Blendo has since found a job more suited to its abilities -
0:32:46 > 0:32:50overseeing the MP reselection process for the Labour Party.
0:32:52 > 0:32:56Vince Cable is too good at writing sex scenes.
0:32:56 > 0:32:57Oh, yes.
0:32:57 > 0:32:59- He didn't win the Bad Sex Award? - Yes, he did.
0:32:59 > 0:33:01So good is his new novel, Open Arms,
0:33:01 > 0:33:05it was excluded from the 2017 Bad Sex In Fiction Award.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08This is an extract from The Destroyer by this year's winner...
0:33:08 > 0:33:10LAUGHTER
0:33:11 > 0:33:13..Christopher Bollen.
0:33:26 > 0:33:29So far...
0:33:29 > 0:33:31Poetic, a little quirky.
0:33:33 > 0:33:34It can't go very wrong from there?
0:33:34 > 0:33:35No.
0:33:52 > 0:33:53Was he chalking up?
0:33:57 > 0:33:59That is dreadful.
0:33:59 > 0:34:00Lovely.
0:34:00 > 0:34:02I need to write that down, actually.
0:34:04 > 0:34:07What competition was Jeremy Corbyn excluded from this year after
0:34:07 > 0:34:10winning it for the seventh time in 2016?
0:34:10 > 0:34:13- Was it Beard of the Year?- Yes.
0:34:13 > 0:34:14The coveted title of...
0:34:16 > 0:34:20..organised by Keith Flett of the Beard Liberation Front.
0:34:24 > 0:34:26Christmas is coming up. Angela, I think you know about this.
0:34:26 > 0:34:29What do you get the most dedicated Corbynista as a present?
0:34:30 > 0:34:33- The annual.- Yes.
0:34:33 > 0:34:38The 100% Unofficial Jeremy Corbyn 2018 Annual, of course.
0:34:38 > 0:34:39Look at this.
0:34:39 > 0:34:40There it is.
0:34:42 > 0:34:44Looks like you'd find it in a telephone box.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53What kind of fun games are on the inside, do you think?
0:34:53 > 0:34:54Do not want to know.
0:34:58 > 0:35:02You can cut out and stick a range of new beard styles on Jezza,
0:35:02 > 0:35:04including the Hipster.
0:35:05 > 0:35:06The Hagrid.
0:35:07 > 0:35:08And the Llewelyn-Bowen.
0:35:10 > 0:35:13Ian, have you ever considered going for the Corbyn?
0:35:13 > 0:35:17- No.- We've considered it for you. Here you are with a Corbyn.
0:35:23 > 0:35:26Don't take this the wrong way, but you look like Wayne Rooney.
0:35:27 > 0:35:29What's happened there?
0:35:29 > 0:35:31How can I not take that the wrong way?
0:35:33 > 0:35:37And we have to be even-handed, so, Angela, here you are.
0:35:40 > 0:35:44And, Joe, there didn't seem much point in giving you his beard
0:35:44 > 0:35:46so here is him with yours.
0:35:49 > 0:35:50Jesus Christ.
0:35:52 > 0:35:54- Have you got one for me? - Here you are as Jezza, Paul.
0:35:57 > 0:35:58Paul, I've been noticing your lovely cravat.
0:35:58 > 0:36:01That's a Christmas cravat, isn't it?
0:36:01 > 0:36:03Yes, it is, actually, yes.
0:36:03 > 0:36:05If there's any fans of Just A Minute here,
0:36:05 > 0:36:09on BBC Radio Four, Christmas Day, there is a special
0:36:09 > 0:36:11programme where we have managed to take various
0:36:11 > 0:36:14people like Kenneth Williams and Peter Cook, Derek Nimmo
0:36:14 > 0:36:17and Peter Jones and put them all together in one show
0:36:17 > 0:36:21so it sounds like we're all there together to celebrate 50 years.
0:36:21 > 0:36:23And that's why I have been wearing a cravat for this series,
0:36:23 > 0:36:26to celebrate 50 years of Just A Minute and also
0:36:26 > 0:36:29to take the piss out of Nicholas Parsons.
0:36:30 > 0:36:33We thought the look you were going for was this.
0:36:34 > 0:36:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:41 > 0:36:43I'm very happy with that.
0:36:43 > 0:36:46Time now for the Missing Words round which this week features
0:36:46 > 0:36:50as its guest publication It's A Rat's World.
0:36:50 > 0:36:53Remember, you're never more than six feet away from a copy.
0:36:56 > 0:36:57We start with...
0:36:59 > 0:37:01- ANGELA:- Cooked his own dinner.
0:37:01 > 0:37:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:37:11 > 0:37:13This is the news that a YouTube prankster
0:37:13 > 0:37:16who cemented his head into a microwave
0:37:16 > 0:37:17has sadly been rescued.
0:37:17 > 0:37:18LAUGHTER
0:37:20 > 0:37:21Next...
0:37:28 > 0:37:31- PAUL:- Impersonating David Davis during European discussions.
0:37:32 > 0:37:33Falling over.
0:37:37 > 0:37:42This is how to train your rat to spin around in a circle on command.
0:37:42 > 0:37:44According to the article, you will need...
0:37:50 > 0:37:52And ideally a huge gap in your life.
0:37:54 > 0:37:55Next...
0:37:59 > 0:38:00They nail it to your front door.
0:38:04 > 0:38:07If they say, "Oh, that's lovely, you shouldn't have"?
0:38:08 > 0:38:10If they throw you down a well.
0:38:14 > 0:38:15Ian, you're nearly right...
0:38:20 > 0:38:22According to Braun,
0:38:22 > 0:38:25the list of fake polite responses include the phrases...
0:38:30 > 0:38:32And thank you for that marketing survey, Braun.
0:38:32 > 0:38:36It's lovely, it's really useful, you shouldn't have and I love it.
0:38:38 > 0:38:39Next...
0:38:45 > 0:38:47- PAUL:- Well, it can't be as easy as it sounds.
0:38:47 > 0:38:51..are some of the things I feed my rat at Christmas.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54I will say "in a pear tree" just in case it is a real double bluff.
0:38:55 > 0:38:57Slightly less pleasantly it's...
0:39:00 > 0:39:03On the plus side, pear trees - still in the game.
0:39:05 > 0:39:06Next...
0:39:09 > 0:39:10- JOE:- Her reflection?
0:39:13 > 0:39:15- ANGELA:- A prune?- No.
0:39:15 > 0:39:17You're a gran, aren't you?
0:39:17 > 0:39:18I am.
0:39:18 > 0:39:21- A new gran. - You don't look like a prune!
0:39:21 > 0:39:23- No. Cos I'm not your ordinary gran.- Supergran.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25I don't think any gran is ordinary.
0:39:30 > 0:39:33- PAUL:- Hoping for a nice Christmas present this year?
0:39:33 > 0:39:34Sepp Blatter.
0:39:34 > 0:39:36You're getting close!
0:39:41 > 0:39:43A new statue of the legendary footballer was unveiled this week,
0:39:43 > 0:39:46but not everyone was impressed with the likeness.
0:39:46 > 0:39:47Let's have a look.
0:39:47 > 0:39:49LAUGHTER
0:39:50 > 0:39:52And with that, the final scores are...
0:39:52 > 0:39:53..Paul and Angela have four,
0:39:53 > 0:39:56but the winners are Ian and Joe with five.
0:39:56 > 0:39:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:40:02 > 0:40:05Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:40:05 > 0:40:08The Lords resist reform.
0:40:08 > 0:40:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:13 > 0:40:16On which note we say thank you to our panellists Ian Hislop
0:40:16 > 0:40:19and Joe Wilkinson, Paul Merton and Angela Rayner.
0:40:19 > 0:40:22And I leave you with news that in Northumberland, evidence emerges
0:40:22 > 0:40:25fame and fortune have not been kind to Billy Elliot.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32At the World Swimming Championships in Helsinki,
0:40:32 > 0:40:35there's another sporting drugs scandal
0:40:35 > 0:40:37as one competitor tests positive for helium.
0:40:45 > 0:40:48And at a secret laboratory in Westminster,
0:40:48 > 0:40:49the smile lessons continue.
0:40:53 > 0:40:54Good night.
0:41:32 > 0:41:35We're going to do the David Essex one...
0:41:35 > 0:41:37The David Essex?
0:41:37 > 0:41:39Paul, I've noticed you've been wearing a cravat...
0:41:39 > 0:41:40Oh, don't indulge him.
0:41:45 > 0:41:47It's the golden rule of comedy - if it doesn't work the first time,
0:41:47 > 0:41:50it's certainly going to work the second.
0:41:53 > 0:41:54Paul, I noticed your lovely cravat...
0:41:54 > 0:41:57Yes, thank you very much, it's based on David Essex.
0:41:57 > 0:42:00APPLAUSE
0:42:05 > 0:42:08- Have you got a photo that backs up my opinion?- No!
0:42:08 > 0:42:09Oh, there it is, look.