0:00:03 > 0:00:13This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:34 > 0:00:40APPLAUSE.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Good evening.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44I'm Martin Clunes.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47In the news this week, in Devon, Michael Fish's grandson carries
0:00:47 > 0:00:50on the family tradition of refusing to believe there's
0:00:50 > 0:00:55a hurricane on the way.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59As the Green Party open their new eco-friendly
0:00:59 > 0:01:02carbon-neutral headquarters, doubts are cast on the ethics
0:01:02 > 0:01:06of the power supply in the basement.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12And at a holiday resort in the Mediterranean,
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Ed Balls suddenly spots George Osborne.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28On Ian's team tonight is a comedian whose wife recently gave birth
0:01:28 > 0:01:30to their first child, so congratulations on the arrival
0:01:30 > 0:01:33of 7lbs 8oz of bouncy new material for his comedy tour,
0:01:33 > 0:01:35please welcome Jon Richardson.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44And with Paul tonight is a journalist and broadcaster
0:01:44 > 0:01:47whose first novel was entitled The Legacy Of Elizabeth Pringle.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51I must admit, once I opened it, I couldn't stop.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52Thank you.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Please welcome Kirsty Wark.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Ian and Jon, take a look at this.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05Confident leadership.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Watch that hand!
0:02:07 > 0:02:09There's Chris Grayling and that's back to the good old days.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Dig for victory.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Oh, God.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16That needs medical attention, that.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17What is it, a lemon?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20That's a man.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23We're going to grow our own food according to Chris Grayling.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Back to a diet of turnips, carrots and cardboard.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Didn't do us any harm in the war!
0:02:28 > 0:02:29No.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31So we're going to have it again.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33He said that Britain will succeed come what may and responding
0:02:33 > 0:02:36to warnings that a "no deal" Brexit could cause food prices to rocket,
0:02:36 > 0:02:37he said that we'll just...
0:02:40 > 0:02:43This idea that we're going to grow more food,
0:02:43 > 0:02:45people don't even make sandwiches any more.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47He just hasn't been out of the house.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49People are too tired and depressed to even put cheese
0:02:49 > 0:02:51between bread these days.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54His idea is that people will go, "Well, I'll just grow some quinoa
0:02:54 > 0:02:55"and some carrots, then."
0:02:55 > 0:02:56People will just die.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58We just won't eat.
0:02:58 > 0:03:05Do you know, I'm positively upbeat compared to you?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08I think his point is that, you know, we can do it.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09Well, I...
0:03:09 > 0:03:11We can forget, you know, currency.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13We can go back to a barter system.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14We can exchange mud...
0:03:14 > 0:03:15..for beans.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18I think Chris Grayling's going full Ray Mears to prove his point.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21He's going to turn up to Parliament in a suit made of squirrels.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Oh, God, it's Brexit again.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26It drones on.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29We've had a dinner, we've had some talks about having more talks
0:03:29 > 0:03:32and a dinner about having more dinners and then talks
0:03:32 > 0:03:34about the dinner to have the talks and they've agreed to
0:03:34 > 0:03:35do absolutely nothing.
0:03:35 > 0:03:40Which is one hell of an agreement at this stage of the game.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42I read today she goes out there and gives, like, a speech,
0:03:42 > 0:03:45and then she comes back and they stay, which is not...
0:03:45 > 0:03:48You can't get any progress done like that if she goes, "So, we're
0:03:48 > 0:03:49all agreed, tariff-free access."
0:03:49 > 0:03:51And they go, "Yeah, all right, nice one.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54"We're going to stay for a bit after you've gone,
0:03:54 > 0:03:56"just have a little chat while you're not here."
0:03:56 > 0:03:58She just gets on the plane and they go, "So, that's not
0:03:58 > 0:04:00happening, we're all agreed?
0:04:00 > 0:04:03"Just say yes to her when she's here and then we'll sort it out
0:04:03 > 0:04:04"when she's gone, shall we?"
0:04:04 > 0:04:07That's what happens in the Cabinet when she goes in the first place.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09What are Labour doing during all this?
0:04:09 > 0:04:10They're hiding.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11They're...
0:04:11 > 0:04:12And it's a terrific strategy.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Say nothing, keep really quiet.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17Watch the Tories blow up.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21What is the Space Egg and why is it making people ill?
0:04:21 > 0:04:25It's a building where they were meant to have the EU meeting.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28But in fact, it's turned into a living metaphor.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Because they had to abandon it because it stank.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33There were toxic fumes coming out of the middle of the EU,
0:04:33 > 0:04:36which is quite funny.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39And quite apt, with Mr Juncker there.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42So they couldn't hold the meeting there, so they had to abandon it.
0:04:42 > 0:04:47And it's shaped like an egg inside a cube.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50So you can actually get into the egg, can you?
0:04:50 > 0:04:51There's a picture of the inside.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Oh, yeah.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54Oh, Dr Strangelove.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57It is like Dr Strangelove and the Teletubbies all at once.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59It's not because of the colours.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02It's because of the nasty fumes coming from the drains that
0:05:02 > 0:05:03everyone has been sick.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06There's a fatberg down there.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08I don't know if there is.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09I was just making that up.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13That's no way to talk about Boris Johnson.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15It promised so much that question, didn't it?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18What is the Space Egg and why is it making people sick?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21And it all just ends up, "Well, it's Brexit, isn't it?"
0:05:21 > 0:05:22It was just such an exciting question.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23Everything is, Jon.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Everything.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27We even need, like, a euphemism for Brexit that sounds fun.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Just once for somebody to say, "Brexit is a bit like going
0:05:30 > 0:05:32for a picnic "with a load of talking puppets."
0:05:32 > 0:05:34And at least people might think, "Oh, that sounds good."
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Not divorce and house-buying.
0:05:36 > 0:05:41It's like having something massive pulled out of your anus.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44I don't think I'm the guy to sort it, Martin, and you're
0:05:44 > 0:05:45looking at me with such...
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Well, I'm just wondering what it was that came out of your anus.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52A noxious space egg.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54How did Philip Hammond get into trouble this week?
0:05:54 > 0:05:56He called the EU the enemy.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58KIRSTY: The enemy.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Which is good for negotiating, isn't it?
0:06:00 > 0:06:03He ended up apologising, but according to the Sun
0:06:03 > 0:06:05he was still left...
0:06:09 > 0:06:12That is good, though, isn't it?
0:06:12 > 0:06:13That's really good.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16And what was he seen doing, Mr Hammond, with George Osborne
0:06:16 > 0:06:18and a lobster that created further suspicion?
0:06:18 > 0:06:20They were eating together.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Was it not lobster and chips or something together?
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Yes, according to the Mail...
0:06:25 > 0:06:26It was the lobster plot!
0:06:26 > 0:06:27That's right.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28You see, it was a pun.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30That's it, there it is from the Daily Mail.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31The lobster plot.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33He was seen...
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Hammond ordered the ?21.90 house special - lobster on a bed of pasta
0:06:39 > 0:06:42in tomato and garlic sauce.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45JON: It's good of him to post a picture of his lunch on Twitter.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47KIRSTY: Well, after it was regurgitated, it looks like.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49What did Osborne have?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Osborne just had bread and a bit of oil and vinegar.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55The comment section in the Mail Online went
0:06:55 > 0:06:56into overdrive over this story.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Do you know what they were saying?
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Busty Rihanna shows off her curves.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05Teenage lobster coquettishly removes her shell.
0:07:05 > 0:07:10She's asking for it!
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Dipping in her own sauce, she coquettishly looks
0:07:13 > 0:07:15towards the chips.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16Get your claws off me!
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Exactly.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20One of them called Hammond a...
0:07:20 > 0:07:23And one said...
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Another wrote...
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Whilst Big Simon Knight said...
0:07:35 > 0:07:37What is the other big news on the economy?
0:07:37 > 0:07:38Employment's up.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40But inflation's up, as well, so...
0:07:40 > 0:07:42We've mislaid half a trillion pounds.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Britain overestimated its international assets and is...
0:07:51 > 0:07:53I can't believe that was such a small news item.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54I know.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Well, The Daily Mirror picked up on it and to help us point out quite
0:07:58 > 0:08:00what half a trillion is equivalent to, they came up with
0:08:00 > 0:08:02this helpful thing.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10And Labour inflicted a symbolic defeat on the Tories this week.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11What was that?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13It was a telephone line, wasn't it?
0:08:13 > 0:08:14Yes, it was.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17The telephone line that was 55p a minute to phone and find out
0:08:17 > 0:08:20whether or not you were getting the right Universal Credit,
0:08:20 > 0:08:22why you hadn't got your Universal Credit and,
0:08:22 > 0:08:25to be fair, Jeremy Corbyn has been on about this for a very
0:08:25 > 0:08:27long time and suddenly, lo and behold, David Gauke
0:08:27 > 0:08:29the Pension Secretary said, "It's gone, it's free."
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Which is good.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Yeah, but it's a small victory.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37I know, but it's such a shit thing to do, it's really
0:08:37 > 0:08:39good to stop doing it.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42We shouldn't lose sight of that.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49What are the big criticisms of Universal Credit?
0:08:49 > 0:08:50It takes too long.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52There is a six-week waiting list.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53Some is up to ten weeks.
0:08:53 > 0:08:54Right.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55Yeah, and...
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Well, I'll give you 12.
0:08:57 > 0:08:5814!
0:08:58 > 0:08:59I've read 16.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00You can't be assessed...
0:09:00 > 0:09:02You can't be assessed until you've had, if you're in work,
0:09:02 > 0:09:03your first month's salary.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06So they won't make a judgment on what you're to get,
0:09:06 > 0:09:08so for six weeks sometimes, people are sitting with
0:09:08 > 0:09:09absolutely no money.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12JON: The problem isn't the system, it's that they don't want to pay
0:09:12 > 0:09:15people who haven't got any money, because they have this belief that,
0:09:15 > 0:09:18"Well, you should just get a job and work harder, then.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19Why don't you?
0:09:19 > 0:09:22"I was poor once for a weekend when Daddy didn't give me any money
0:09:22 > 0:09:26"and I just got a job and now I'm a millionaire, "so why
0:09:26 > 0:09:26doesn't everyone...?
0:09:26 > 0:09:29"If you're poor, why don't you just get money?
0:09:29 > 0:09:32"Get out in your bloody garden, grow your own food, "and just
0:09:32 > 0:09:33become a millionaire. It's a piece of piss."
0:09:33 > 0:09:36What did we learn about Conservative MP Tim Loughton this week?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38He spends an hour in the bath. He thinks.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40He does mindfulness in the bath. Does he?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42That's good, that's good. He works on his policies.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Does he? He's a busy boy, isn't he?
0:09:55 > 0:09:56He's a busy boy, isn't he?
0:09:56 > 0:09:59But I don't understand, cos I think by the time you've been
0:09:59 > 0:10:02in your bath for an hour, the bubbles have gone and it's cold.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04It's really cold. Everything's wrinkly.
0:10:04 > 0:10:05Yeah!
0:10:05 > 0:10:06Yeah.
0:10:06 > 0:10:07What?
0:10:07 > 0:10:08More so for men.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11The water's not cold if you leave the hot tap on.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Such wealth!
0:10:13 > 0:10:15You, with your hot tap and your lace-up shoes.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19I'm growing my own lobsters, Martin, don't you worry about me.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Many were quick to point out that baths can lead
0:10:21 > 0:10:25to higher water bills, which might not worry
0:10:25 > 0:10:26Loughton too much. Do you know why?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Because he claims it on expenses?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Yeah, he has charged more than ?650 in water bills
0:10:30 > 0:10:33to the taxpayer since 2015.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35When the newspaper asked for a comment on this, he said...
0:10:42 > 0:10:44So another busy day for him, then.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Tell that to Snow White.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Photographs of another MP in the bath were recently leaked.
0:10:51 > 0:10:52Do we know?
0:10:52 > 0:10:53Really?
0:10:53 > 0:10:54This is Vince Cable.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Yes.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58After his wife, who's said to have taken them,
0:10:58 > 0:11:00sent the pictures to be printed.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04Who does that any more, anyway?
0:11:04 > 0:11:05Well, quite!
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Do you want to have a look at them?
0:11:07 > 0:11:08Yes!
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Yeah, yeah!
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Well, you can't.
0:11:10 > 0:11:11We haven't got them.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13JON: I assume you can't see him anyway.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15And according to the Times, you couldn't see any
0:11:15 > 0:11:18of the good stuff anyway.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Vince was approached for a statement
0:11:27 > 0:11:30on this story and I think we do have that.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41So this is the heated debate over a possible no-deal Brexit scenario.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Insisting that the UK had to pay its fair share of the Brexit bill,
0:11:44 > 0:11:45Jean-Claude Juncker said...
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Which is all very well, but 50 billion euros for 28 pints?!
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Who had the Peroni?
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Also this week, the latest plans for constituency boundary
0:12:03 > 0:12:05changes were announced.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Under the proposals...
0:12:17 > 0:12:19And following consultations with the DUP, Northern Ireland
0:12:19 > 0:12:22will go from 18, right down to 62.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Paul and Kirsty, take a look at this.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26There's a person reacting in some sort of terror, because...
0:12:28 > 0:12:31There's a person reacting in some sort of terror, because...
0:12:31 > 0:12:34The orange sky, orange sky over London and in the South East
0:12:34 > 0:12:35and the hurricane there.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38The red was the kind of dust, wasn't it, coming from the Sahara?
0:12:38 > 0:12:39Yes.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40Ophelia.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41Yeah.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Is that the name of the hurricane?
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Some of them are less scary. Yes.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Hurricane Colin...
0:12:46 > 0:12:47..I wasn't too bothered about, really.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Hurricane Boris. Hurricane Boris.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51Hot air. Hot air, wind...
0:12:51 > 0:12:54God!
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Hot air, wind and God, actually his three...
0:12:56 > 0:12:59..personal attributes.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02It's the first time we sort of see a red sky,
0:13:02 > 0:13:04and usually, we joke, "Oh, it's the end of the world,"
0:13:04 > 0:13:07and this was the first time you go out and think,
0:13:07 > 0:13:08"Oh, yeah, that seems about right."
0:13:08 > 0:13:10What were you doing when the red sky came?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13I'd just had lunch.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16I went to a little tea room called the Secret Garden Cafe
0:13:16 > 0:13:19with my daughter and wife, and I saw the red sky,
0:13:19 > 0:13:23and then I doused them all in petrol and we set fire to ourselves.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Some people joked that it was the end of the world,
0:13:26 > 0:13:28but others didn't joke, because they knew it was
0:13:28 > 0:13:30the end of the world.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31Do you know who they were?
0:13:31 > 0:13:33A religious group that's been predicting a red sky
0:13:33 > 0:13:34for many, many years?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36A planet called Nibiru.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38It's what believers call the rogue planet, which is approaching Earth
0:13:38 > 0:13:41from the outer solar system.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45But this theory has been dismissed by Nasa and by Christianity Today,
0:13:45 > 0:13:48which described one Nibiru advocate as...
0:13:55 > 0:14:01Which is quite a bold stance for a religious magazine.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Apart from the red skies, do you know anything else that
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Hurricane Ophelia brought to our shores?
0:14:05 > 0:14:08A little clue that - shores.
0:14:08 > 0:14:09Rail chaos. What?
0:14:09 > 0:14:12I read the headline, hurricane means rail chaos,
0:14:12 > 0:14:15and I thought, "How do you tell here?"
0:14:15 > 0:14:19The trains are being blown through quickly so they're actually
0:14:19 > 0:14:21reaching Charing Cross at the...
0:14:21 > 0:14:23At the right time!
0:14:23 > 0:14:24Yeah.
0:14:24 > 0:14:25That's the chaos.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26Sea creatures?
0:14:26 > 0:14:27Yes.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28Jellyfish.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29Oh, in Brighton, yes.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30Portuguese man o' war.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33That's a Portuguese man o' war? No, that's a plastic bag.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35We should enjoy it now, it's going home shortly.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39Now, who were people hoping might make a comeback
0:14:39 > 0:14:41in reporting of this storm?
0:14:41 > 0:14:42Michael Fish.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43Was he found?
0:14:43 > 0:14:44No, he wasn't...
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Washed up on a beach somewhere?
0:14:46 > 0:14:49No, they were hoping that the Irish reporter Teresa Mannion,
0:14:49 > 0:14:52who reported on Storm Desmond...
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Would you like to see her doing that?
0:14:54 > 0:14:55Yes.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56Yes.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57Oh, yes, I remember that.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58She's really good.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Cannot repeat the advice often enough from the Gardai -
0:15:01 > 0:15:03don't make unnecessary journeys, don't take risks on treacherous
0:15:03 > 0:15:07roads, and don't swim in the sea.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10LAUGHTER.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14And high winds caused severe disruption to air traffic,
0:15:14 > 0:15:17but what caused an easyJet flight from Majorca to Luton to make
0:15:17 > 0:15:19an emergency landing?
0:15:19 > 0:15:22No pilot. That's Ryanair.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Oh.
0:15:24 > 0:15:25Did they discover something on board?
0:15:25 > 0:15:28A snake.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30They did, they discovered... A spider?
0:15:30 > 0:15:31No?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33A smell event. Oh, yes!
0:15:33 > 0:15:35That's how the airline described it.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39A co-pilot was overcome by the smell from a leakage of hydraulic fluid.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Also in the world of plane travel, what happened to Flight 666
0:15:42 > 0:15:44last Friday the 13th?
0:15:44 > 0:15:48It arrived upside down and became Flight 999.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51No, I think it managed its flight successfully,
0:15:51 > 0:15:54but it was flying to "hell".
0:15:54 > 0:15:56It's the Finnish airline flight to Helsinki,
0:15:56 > 0:15:58but the ticket reads like this...
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Now, elsewhere in travel news, what award did the Heston service
0:16:13 > 0:16:16station on the eastbound side of the M4 win this week?
0:16:16 > 0:16:17Worst services in the country.
0:16:17 > 0:16:18Yes!
0:16:18 > 0:16:19Which it isn't.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Isn't it? No.
0:16:20 > 0:16:21It's ridiculous.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23I mean, you shouldn't be using Heston, anyway.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25It's in such a built-up area.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Just come off the M4 and find a suburban petrol station.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30If you're paying petrol station prices in a built-up area,
0:16:30 > 0:16:32as far as I'm concerned, you deserve everything you get.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35You lack the basic intelligence to find a petrol station that is 15%
0:16:35 > 0:16:38cheaper and maybe offering a supermarket dividend on a sort
0:16:38 > 0:16:39of Nectar card or something.
0:16:39 > 0:16:40This isn't Heston Blumenthal's station, no?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42JON: No.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45No, he's named after the service station...
0:16:45 > 0:16:46Ah...
0:16:46 > 0:16:49..his parents liked it so much.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52One online review described it as...
0:16:55 > 0:16:57While another simply said...
0:17:02 > 0:17:04The home of rank toilets.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07The sort of people who leave an online review for
0:17:07 > 0:17:09a service station aren't to be trusted, anyway.
0:17:09 > 0:17:10The top two was Reading, wasn't it?
0:17:10 > 0:17:11Reading was one.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14I mean, carry on half a mile and come off that junction 12,
0:17:14 > 0:17:15massive Sainsbury's there, so...
0:17:15 > 0:17:16What are you doing?
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Go in, get a cheaper sandwich, get Nectar points,
0:17:19 > 0:17:21there's a big Next there, if you need some new clothes,
0:17:21 > 0:17:23there's a drive-through McDonald's.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25These people just don't understand the way to live
0:17:25 > 0:17:29on the roads of this country.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Beaconsfield not in the top five. It's got a bloody Wetherspoon's!
0:17:31 > 0:17:33What is wrong with these people?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36I mean, they call Stephen Fry a polymath, but you...
0:17:36 > 0:17:42He's Renaissance man!
0:17:42 > 0:17:47Now, Lyme service station... Lyme off the M6...
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Can we have an eclipse?
0:17:50 > 0:17:57..it's got a barber's. You can have your hair cut.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Transport Secretary Chris Grayling this week launched a new fleet
0:18:13 > 0:18:14of high-speed trains from Bristol to London.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17He got on board, he hailed it as a fantastic service.
0:18:17 > 0:18:18Do you know what happened next?
0:18:18 > 0:18:21It was 20 minutes late and the air conditioning broke down,
0:18:21 > 0:18:24so there was lots of water flooding down into one of the carriages.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28Yes, but wonderful value, at only ?204 return.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Let the train take the strain, let the train companies take the piss.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34A far more popular train service with children is to be upgraded.
0:18:34 > 0:18:35Anybody?
0:18:35 > 0:18:36Thomas.
0:18:36 > 0:18:37Yes. Thomas The Tank Engine.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Yes. Chris Grayling is joining the cast.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Chris the Useless Transport Secretary.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44He goes around and around in circles and then blows up.
0:18:44 > 0:18:45So
0:18:45 > 0:18:49So now.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51It's a female train.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Yes, half of the next series will take place abroad
0:18:54 > 0:18:56and there will be female engines, including Nia, Rebecca and Gina.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00And a female pop star's also been linked with Thomas.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Any idea who? Is it Paul McCartney?
0:19:03 > 0:19:04No, it's Beyonce.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08This is the work of TheAzariah fusing the theme tune from Thomas
0:19:08 > 0:19:16the Tank Engine with Beyonce.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20MUSIC: Thomas the Tank Engine theme
0:19:32 > 0:19:34APPLAUSE.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36That's All The Single Ladies and all the day-return
0:19:36 > 0:19:37ladies as well.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Thank you.
0:19:39 > 0:19:44Are they hand signals for if there's a replacement bus service?
0:19:44 > 0:19:50"Beyonce pulled into the station, "but the passengers weren't
0:19:50 > 0:19:56"ready for the jelly."
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Kirsty, have you ever been on the Flying Scotsman,
0:19:58 > 0:20:00the beautiful train?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03No, I wish I had. Yes, I'd like to go on it, too.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06It took a journey the other day and some train spotters waited
0:20:06 > 0:20:09for an hour to catch a glimpse of the mighty steam train.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Let's have a look how that went for them.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Oh, look at this. Would you believe it?
0:20:14 > 0:20:21Oh, bloody hell!
0:20:27 > 0:20:30This was the apocalyptic precursor to the end of days,
0:20:30 > 0:20:32according to Twitter, or a bit of dust, according
0:20:32 > 0:20:34to scientists at the Met Office.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38Gusts of up to 80mph caused havoc at airports.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40One Ryanair flight was even blown into the sky.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42According to the Times...
0:20:48 > 0:20:49..which is it a surprise.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52He normally enjoys getting blown across the Atlantic.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53LAUGHTER AND BOOING Boo!
0:20:53 > 0:20:58Thanks, everyone.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01So at the end of that round, Paul and Kirsty have two points.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03And Ian and Jon have two points.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11APPLAUSE.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16And so to Round Two, the picture spin quiz.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22BUZZER.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26There's another royal baby on the way?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Yes.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Judging by the fact you've stuck a crown on a baby!
0:21:31 > 0:21:33KIRSTY: William Hague.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36LAUGHTER.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38JON: I think it's remarkable that these scans
0:21:38 > 0:21:43are so in detail these days.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46This is the news that the Duchess of Cambridge is definitely having
0:21:46 > 0:21:48the baby she told us she was going to have
0:21:48 > 0:21:50a few months ago.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53So excited by the news, the BBC's correspondent,
0:21:53 > 0:21:54Simon McCoy, made this announcement.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Their Royal Highnessess the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge
0:21:57 > 0:21:59are delighted to confirm they are expecting a baby in April.
0:21:59 > 0:22:04Now, bearing in mind they announced that she was pregnant back
0:22:04 > 0:22:08in September and it was thought she was around two or three months
0:22:08 > 0:22:11pregnant, I'm not sure how much news this really is.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14But anyway, it's April, so put it in your diaries.
0:22:14 > 0:22:19Get the time booked off - because that's what I'm doing!
0:22:19 > 0:22:20APPLAUSE.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23I love that!
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Yes, so what does excite Simon McCoy?
0:22:26 > 0:22:27He's a hard man to please.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28Let's have a look.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30You're watching BBC News.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Just bear in mind it is August.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34This does not look like a walk in the park.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Dog owners and their pets in California have hit the waves
0:22:37 > 0:22:41in the second annual World Dog Surfing Championships.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Here is the piece...
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Does anybody know what he did with a ream of A4 printer paper in 2013?
0:22:52 > 0:22:53Yes.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56He held it as if it was sort of like an iPad thing.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57Let's have a look.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Good morning and welcome to BBC News.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04Plans to privately run drunk tanks to tackle alcohol-fuelled disorder
0:23:04 > 0:23:07have been backed by police chiefs.
0:23:07 > 0:23:12How has he kept his job?
0:23:12 > 0:23:15He's on the BBC News Channel, so nobody is really
0:23:15 > 0:23:17taking that much notice.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Any thoughts on possible names?
0:23:19 > 0:23:20Do you know what the bookies' favourites are?
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Do we know if it's a boy or a girl?
0:23:23 > 0:23:25No, we don't, so there's choices for both sexes.
0:23:25 > 0:23:26Lesley!
0:23:26 > 0:23:27It could have a unisex name.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Is it Colin?
0:23:29 > 0:23:30Lesley?
0:23:30 > 0:23:31Lesley's a unisex name.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32Yes.
0:23:32 > 0:23:33That's why I keep saying it.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36I think it should be Colin. It's time for King Colin.
0:23:36 > 0:23:41According to the Daily Mail, if it's a girl it's...
0:23:41 > 0:23:43PAUL LAUGHS.
0:23:43 > 0:23:44They have no idea!
0:23:44 > 0:23:45Not a clue.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47They just picked out three names.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Here are some names. Here are some names.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51And here are some names for a boy.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53They're just other names that other royals have had once.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54Yeah.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57They're not going to say it's going to be called
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Chardonnay Beyonce or...Simon.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02What will the baby definitely not be called if this year's naming
0:24:02 > 0:24:05statistics are anything to go by?
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Ian. Oh!
0:24:07 > 0:24:08Ian? Is that an unpopular name?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Ian.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14KIRSTY: Oh, no!
0:24:15 > 0:24:16It's impossible.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18I see that as a personal tribute.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20There's only one.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Yeah.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24Along with Frank and Clarence.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Cilla is the least-popular choice for a girl, followed
0:24:26 > 0:24:28by Bertha and Cynthia.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32Or other names that are dying out are Nigel.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34No baby boys in the UK were named Nigel last year.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Something which has been blamed on Nigel Farage's part
0:24:37 > 0:24:39in the Brexit campaign.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41James McGrory of the pro-EU Open Britain said...
0:24:48 > 0:24:50I think it's a good balance.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51No Nigels.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Too Brexity.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56No Remoaning Ians.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57WOMAN: Aw...
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Thank you.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Farage responded himself and said...
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Do you know what the name Nigel means?
0:25:13 > 0:25:18It's an Irish name meaning champion.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Although champion is actually a Latin word meaning loser of seven
0:25:20 > 0:25:22parliamentary elections.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24LAUGHTER.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26It doesn't sound quite the same,
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Nigel The Wonder Horse, does it? Remember that series?
0:25:29 > 0:25:31So this is the thrilling news that the Duchess
0:25:31 > 0:25:33of Cambridge is having a baby.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Also this week, Brian Blessed has revealed that he once
0:25:35 > 0:25:37heard the Queen use...
0:25:39 > 0:25:41I'm guessing the context was, "Oh, lock, it's that
0:25:41 > 0:25:44"Brian Blessed again!"
0:25:44 > 0:25:49Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50BELL.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Pole dancing.
0:25:52 > 0:25:53Yes.
0:25:53 > 0:25:59It's not in any way sexual, as this picture proves!
0:25:59 > 0:26:03It is a proper accredited sport requiring gymnastic
0:26:03 > 0:26:05ability and a beard.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07And it's going to be an Olympic sport.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Is it going to be an Olympic sport?
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Yeah, I think there's talk about it being an Olympic sport.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13I mean, golf was in, wasn't it?
0:26:13 > 0:26:14Yes. Last year.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16I mean, if golf's a sport...
0:26:16 > 0:26:18..I mean, just about anything is.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Uno!
0:26:21 > 0:26:23I'd play that at the Olympics.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25That'd be really good fun.
0:26:25 > 0:26:30More athletic than golf.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Would you like to see some competitive pole dancing?
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Yes, I think we're being unnecessarily rude.
0:26:35 > 0:26:36Not in this programme.
0:26:36 > 0:26:41I just said, "Do you want to come and see it?"
0:26:41 > 0:26:45APPLAUSE.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47After the show, you and me.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Martin knows a place.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Got my name on the door.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Yes. Well, let's have a look at it.
0:27:00 > 0:27:07MUSIC AND CHEERING CROWD CLAPS ALONG WITH BEAT.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Where do they tuck their money?
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Do you know what the origins of pole dancing are?
0:27:18 > 0:27:24Very self-confident firemen.
0:27:24 > 0:27:30In the USA, what were pole dancers called when they performed
0:27:33 > 0:27:36In the USA, what were pole dancers called when they performed
0:27:36 > 0:27:37in travelling fairs in the 1920s?
0:27:37 > 0:27:42AMERICAN ACCENT: Pole dancers!
0:27:43 > 0:27:46That's terrible.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Log ladies.
0:27:48 > 0:27:49No, hoochie coochie dancers, according to
0:27:49 > 0:27:50a history of pole dancing.
0:27:50 > 0:27:51Hoochie coochies?
0:27:51 > 0:27:52Hoochie coochie dancers.
0:27:52 > 0:27:57Could have brought the house down!
0:27:57 > 0:27:58LAUGHTER AND SIGHS.
0:27:58 > 0:27:59Thank you.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Also, in what international competition did the UK score
0:28:02 > 0:28:03a surprise victory over France this week?
0:28:03 > 0:28:04Wine tasting? Yes.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08Out of 24 countries, France came 11th, nine
0:28:08 > 0:28:09places below the UK, which was second.
0:28:09 > 0:28:13JON: Was it done on volume?
0:28:13 > 0:28:17APPLAUSE.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21This is the news that pole dancing may become an Olympic event.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24If it does, it'll be the first ever instance of bringing
0:28:24 > 0:28:27a sport into repute.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Pole dancing is a serious sport that deserves serious recognition,
0:28:29 > 0:28:32according to the head of the World Dancing Federation,
0:28:32 > 0:28:35Ivana Getyourkitoff.
0:28:35 > 0:28:36Oh, Martin.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39What?!
0:28:39 > 0:28:42Which means, at the end of this round, Paul and Kirsty have three
0:28:42 > 0:28:44and Ian and Jon have three, as well.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47That's exciting.
0:28:47 > 0:28:51APPLAUSE.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54Time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57Ian and Jon, your four are...
0:28:59 > 0:29:02Cronus the tarantula, Her Majesty The Queen,
0:29:02 > 0:29:05Andy Warhol and a cougar on the loose in Mississippi.
0:29:05 > 0:29:09I know the spider is kept by the Tory Chief Whip,
0:29:09 > 0:29:10Gavin Williamson.
0:29:10 > 0:29:14There was a story that if you were a Tory and you were
0:29:14 > 0:29:16going to vote the wrong way, he got you into the office
0:29:16 > 0:29:19and basically scared you by saying, "I've got a tarantula."
0:29:19 > 0:29:22And they're going, "I've got people much more poisonous
0:29:22 > 0:29:26"than that working for me."
0:29:26 > 0:29:28Does Andy Warhol's dog scare people?
0:29:28 > 0:29:30Prisoner of Zenda, kind of thing. Prisoner of Zenda?
0:29:30 > 0:29:33Are you saying they're duplicates? I think the scary thing...
0:29:33 > 0:29:34Ah!
0:29:34 > 0:29:36..might be a bit of a distraction, yes.
0:29:36 > 0:29:37So he's got two spiders?
0:29:37 > 0:29:40That does look like a waxwork of Andy Warhol, rather than...
0:29:40 > 0:29:41Oh, is it a fake spider?
0:29:41 > 0:29:45What is the odd one out, Ian?
0:29:45 > 0:29:48We know he's talking to you because there's no other
0:29:48 > 0:29:48Ians in the country!
0:29:48 > 0:29:51It must be you.
0:29:51 > 0:29:54APPLAUSE.
0:29:54 > 0:29:56So they've all got doubles. Except?
0:29:56 > 0:29:58Except, oh, I don't know, the cougar.
0:29:58 > 0:29:59Yes!
0:29:59 > 0:30:02Oh!
0:30:02 > 0:30:03APPLAUSE.
0:30:03 > 0:30:04Very good.
0:30:04 > 0:30:07They've all been replaced by stand-ins except a cougar
0:30:07 > 0:30:09on the loose in Mississippi this week, with was replaced
0:30:09 > 0:30:11by an impostor.
0:30:11 > 0:30:14Fox News reporter Scott Madaus was sent to investigate sightings
0:30:14 > 0:30:17of a big cat on the loose in Hernando, Mississippi
0:30:17 > 0:30:18and thought he'd got lucky.
0:30:18 > 0:30:22Let's have a look at his live report from the scene.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24I'm Scott Madaus, live in Hernando, Mississippi, where there's been
0:30:24 > 0:30:28spottings of a cougar - and that's not it.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31That looks like a house cat, although we're just feet away
0:30:31 > 0:30:35from where a local man made his cellphone video
0:30:35 > 0:30:38of what some say is a cougar.
0:30:38 > 0:30:40I'll be right back with a live report.
0:30:40 > 0:30:44I love the way he goes, "Sightings of a cougar...
0:30:44 > 0:30:47"and that's not..."
0:30:47 > 0:30:50Cronus, the tarantula, belongs to Tory Chief Whip Gavin Williamson.
0:30:50 > 0:30:55To evade the House of Commons' strict rules against pets,
0:30:55 > 0:30:58Williamson throws inspectors off the scent with a decoy soft toy
0:30:58 > 0:31:01spider in a Perspex box.
0:31:01 > 0:31:02He sounds fun, doesn't he?
0:31:02 > 0:31:06Anyone know where the name Cronus comes from?
0:31:06 > 0:31:08It's Greek god. Time.
0:31:08 > 0:31:11What did he do? What did he do?
0:31:11 > 0:31:13That was notable? He ate his own children.
0:31:13 > 0:31:14After...? After giving birth to them.
0:31:14 > 0:31:16Castrating his father and throwing his testicles into the sea.
0:31:16 > 0:31:18Ooh!
0:31:18 > 0:31:22So The Jeremy Kyle Show's been going for quite some time.
0:31:22 > 0:31:25Andy Warhol sent his friend Allen Midgette, wearing a blond wig,
0:31:25 > 0:31:28to give talks on his behalf as he thought he was
0:31:28 > 0:31:30"more entertaining".
0:31:30 > 0:31:32Who pretends to be the Queen? Who's her stand-in?
0:31:32 > 0:31:36I don't know who stands in for her, but I know who stands in her shoes
0:31:36 > 0:31:39because whenever she gets new shoes she has a woman who
0:31:39 > 0:31:40wears them in for her.
0:31:40 > 0:31:43Well, who doesn't do that?
0:31:43 > 0:31:47This is Ella Slack, who acts as her stand-in during rehearsals
0:31:47 > 0:31:50for big events like Trooping of the Colour or the opening of a
0:31:50 > 0:31:52new Nando's or something like that.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55Do you know what Ella is forbidden from doing when she's
0:31:55 > 0:31:56standing-in for the Queen?
0:31:56 > 0:31:58She's not meant to pass any legislation.
0:31:58 > 0:32:01She's not allowed to pass anything.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04Due to strict protocol, she's never allowed to sit on the throne.
0:32:04 > 0:32:05Instead she has to...
0:32:05 > 0:32:07We're not allowed to show you any footage of Ella
0:32:09 > 0:32:12We're not allowed to show you any footage of Ella
0:32:12 > 0:32:15hovering above the throne, but here's an artist's impression.
0:32:18 > 0:32:24The Archbishop of Canterbury's looking well, isn't he?
0:32:24 > 0:32:27She is not the only Queen to be rumoured to have a replacement.
0:32:27 > 0:32:29Historically speaking, Queens of England...?
0:32:29 > 0:32:31Replacements? Queen Elizabeth I?
0:32:31 > 0:32:32It was Elizabeth I.
0:32:32 > 0:32:36According to some historians, Elizabeth I died of the plague aged
0:32:36 > 0:32:39ten and to avoid causing a lot of problems, was
0:32:39 > 0:32:44permanently replaced by...
0:32:44 > 0:32:47Not Ian? No Ian's, no.
0:32:47 > 0:32:50It's a bit bonkers, but on a scale of one to David Icke,
0:32:50 > 0:32:52that's probably about a three.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54Now, finally, what body double scandal has caught the attention
0:32:54 > 0:32:56of social media this week?
0:32:56 > 0:32:58Melania Trump. Yes!
0:32:58 > 0:33:01There's a picture of her and she's covered up.
0:33:01 > 0:33:04I mean, to be fair, a lot of her face isn't her
0:33:04 > 0:33:05original face, anyway.
0:33:05 > 0:33:07And then she covered the rest with glasses
0:33:07 > 0:33:10and a hat and everyone said, "That can't be Melania Trump."
0:33:10 > 0:33:13And to help people throw them off the scent, Donald Trump said,
0:33:13 > 0:33:16"That's my wife Melania Trump "and it's definitely her
0:33:16 > 0:33:17"and she's stood behind me."
0:33:17 > 0:33:20Shall we have a look at the picture?
0:33:20 > 0:33:22So we are studying the national emergency right now.
0:33:22 > 0:33:24Believe it or not, doing national emergency, as you understand,
0:33:24 > 0:33:26is a very big statement.
0:33:26 > 0:33:29We will be doing that.
0:33:29 > 0:33:34My wife Melania, who happens to be right here, finds that subject
0:33:34 > 0:33:36of such vital importance...
0:33:36 > 0:33:39Could she be a Russian spy?
0:33:39 > 0:33:42She's got the glasses and the trench coat.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45She's got the look of a sort of foreign agent.
0:33:45 > 0:33:47It's definitely her, because she carries that same
0:33:47 > 0:33:50expression of, "I can't believe I've made such terrible
0:33:50 > 0:33:52decisions in my life."
0:33:52 > 0:33:54I don't think her hair looks right, either.
0:33:54 > 0:33:55It is her.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58But she has got shades on so that she doesn't give him daggers.
0:33:58 > 0:34:00Of all the things that are wrong in that picture,
0:34:00 > 0:34:02her hair is the least of my worries.
0:34:02 > 0:34:04But it was her, I think, wasn't it?
0:34:04 > 0:34:06I don't think it was at all, actually, no.
0:34:06 > 0:34:07If you look at the...
0:34:07 > 0:34:10Wasn't there another picture to put it up against?
0:34:10 > 0:34:11I think the nostrils are different.
0:34:11 > 0:34:14It looks like a sort of Melania mask that you'd hold up.
0:34:14 > 0:34:16Does it matter?
0:34:16 > 0:34:19I mean, it barely matters that he's there, let alone...
0:34:19 > 0:34:21Still, it's interesting.
0:34:21 > 0:34:22It isn't.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24I'm not being critical.
0:34:24 > 0:34:27Paul and Kirsty, here are yours.
0:34:27 > 0:34:29Albert Einstein.
0:34:41 > 0:34:42Paul and Kirsty, here are yours.
0:34:42 > 0:34:44Albert Einstein.
0:34:44 > 0:34:45Buzz Aldrin.
0:34:45 > 0:34:48Former White House chief strategist Steve Bannon.
0:34:48 > 0:34:52And Lord Byron.
0:34:52 > 0:34:54Relativity, looking at the planets, he's been on another planet,
0:34:54 > 0:34:56he is on another planet.
0:34:56 > 0:34:58When you say he's been on another planet,
0:34:58 > 0:35:00are you referring to the moon?
0:35:00 > 0:35:01Yes.
0:35:01 > 0:35:04Right.
0:35:04 > 0:35:05LAUGHTER.
0:35:05 > 0:35:10Is that a Newsnight exclusive?
0:35:10 > 0:35:15OK, so he has been on a floating body that is not the Earth.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18Some astronomers have discovered that there is some particle wave
0:35:18 > 0:35:21which Einstein predicted and have now observed that
0:35:21 > 0:35:23for the first time.
0:35:23 > 0:35:24It must be something to do with...
0:35:24 > 0:35:25The gravity wave.
0:35:25 > 0:35:28The gravity wave, yeah.
0:35:28 > 0:35:32No.
0:35:32 > 0:35:35They all wear too many of something you usually wear one of.
0:35:35 > 0:35:37Except Albert Einstein, who didn't wear any socks whatsoever.
0:35:37 > 0:35:38There.
0:35:38 > 0:35:40You didn't know that, did you?
0:35:40 > 0:35:41No.
0:35:41 > 0:35:43You don't know anything about Einstein's dislike of socks?
0:35:43 > 0:35:45Did you know about that? He had big toes.
0:35:45 > 0:35:47His big toes were really long.
0:35:47 > 0:35:49He once wrote a letter to his future wife Elsa...
0:35:56 > 0:36:00What did Lord Byron wear to excess? An air of romantic despondency?
0:36:00 > 0:36:03He wore extra waistcoats, several waistcoats at the same time
0:36:03 > 0:36:06to try and sweat off the excess fat he gained from eating
0:36:06 > 0:36:07all those burgers.
0:36:07 > 0:36:09Well, he wouldn't have looked fat if he'd taken some
0:36:09 > 0:36:11of the waistcoats off.
0:36:11 > 0:36:14Former astronaut Buzz Aldrin likes to wear up to three watches at once.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17Do you know why? Different time zones?
0:36:17 > 0:36:19No, no, he says he wears three watches because...
0:36:23 > 0:36:27He may have only been the second man to walk on the moon,
0:36:27 > 0:36:28but what first can he claim?
0:36:28 > 0:36:34The first man to see a man walking on the moon.
0:36:34 > 0:36:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38According to the National Geographic,
0:36:38 > 0:36:41Buzz was the first man...
0:36:44 > 0:36:46One giant leak for mankind.
0:36:46 > 0:36:49So they all wear too many of something you usually wear
0:36:49 > 0:36:52one of, except Albert Einstein, who didn't wear any socks whatsoever
0:36:52 > 0:36:55because his big toes were abnormally long.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58Buzz Aldrin is so obsessed about being only the second man
0:37:08 > 0:37:11Buzz Aldrin is so obsessed about being only the second man
0:37:11 > 0:37:14on the moon that he tries to compensate in other ways.
0:37:14 > 0:37:16Though wearing two heavy watches on the same wrist tends to backfire
0:37:16 > 0:37:19as people just say to him, "Wow, your arm's strong."
0:37:19 > 0:37:22Which means...
0:37:22 > 0:37:26..at the end of this round its three points to Paul and Kirsty
0:37:26 > 0:37:29and five to Ian and Jon.
0:37:37 > 0:37:39Time now for the Missing Words round, which this week features,
0:37:39 > 0:37:41as its guest publication, The Progressive Orthodontist.
0:37:41 > 0:37:43Always a great relief when that comes out.
0:37:43 > 0:37:45We start with...
0:37:49 > 0:37:53JON: Crashes time machine.
0:37:53 > 0:37:57Appears on Bayeux Tapestry.
0:37:57 > 0:38:01Ah, yes, I was nearly right.
0:38:01 > 0:38:02Did he?
0:38:02 > 0:38:04This is a Wayne Rooney Nazi lookalike spotted in
0:38:04 > 0:38:07a World War II documentary.
0:38:08 > 0:38:10Wow!
0:38:10 > 0:38:16I think his name's Herr Transplant.
0:38:16 > 0:38:18LAUGHTER AND GROANING Next...
0:38:25 > 0:38:30LAUGHTER AND GROANING Next...
0:38:30 > 0:38:32Angering Tory whip.
0:38:32 > 0:38:33Sets fire to house.
0:38:33 > 0:38:36Yes!
0:38:36 > 0:38:39Fireman said that all the contents of the house had been destroyed,
0:38:39 > 0:38:42apart from one creme brulee, which was perfect.
0:38:42 > 0:38:43Next...
0:38:49 > 0:38:51Host next week's Have I Got News For You.
0:38:51 > 0:38:59Sing I'm So lonely.
0:38:59 > 0:39:00He went shoe shopping.
0:39:00 > 0:39:02Kim Yong-Un is very proud of his shoe collection,
0:39:02 > 0:39:04particularly the ones which still have his
0:39:04 > 0:39:07uncle's feet in them.
0:39:07 > 0:39:08Next...
0:39:12 > 0:39:18"I'm going to call my twins Ian and Ian."
0:39:19 > 0:39:22JON: I floss twice daily and I love my dentist.
0:39:22 > 0:39:25Is that an answer or are you just...?
0:39:30 > 0:39:32Next...
0:40:15 > 0:40:16Stroke
0:40:16 > 0:40:17Stroke absolutely
0:40:32 > 0:40:34It sounds like an anagram of my name, doesn't it?
0:40:34 > 0:40:35KIRSTY: They're causing global warming.
0:40:35 > 0:40:36Yes.
0:40:36 > 0:40:38They release more gas than 20,000 cows.
0:40:38 > 0:40:40This is news that clams in the Baltic Sea generate
0:40:40 > 0:40:42an enormous amount of methane.
0:40:42 > 0:40:44Another cause for the strong smell of farts in the sea
0:40:44 > 0:40:46is that the mussels are too relaxed!
0:40:46 > 0:40:48This was a dog that was given some drugs
0:40:48 > 0:40:50on a trip to the vet.
0:40:50 > 0:40:51And here he is in the car.
0:40:51 > 0:40:53Paul and Kirsty have six points.
0:40:53 > 0:40:55And Ian and Jon also have six points.
0:40:55 > 0:40:57And on that note, we say thank you to our panellists
0:40:57 > 0:41:00Ian Hislop and Jon Richardson, Paul Merton and Kirsty Wark.
0:41:00 > 0:41:03And I leave you with news that, to clean up their position
0:41:03 > 0:41:05on Brexit once and for all, the Labour Party present
0:41:05 > 0:41:07one spokesman for Leave and one for Remain.
0:41:07 > 0:41:10In Brussels, one delegate is asked to give a hint as to how close
0:41:10 > 0:41:12we are to a Brexit deal.
0:41:12 > 0:41:14And managers at Middlesex Hospital are delighted with their choice
0:41:14 > 0:41:19of celebrity guest to open the new prostate unit.
0:41:19 > 0:41:25Goodnight.
0:41:25 > 0:41:29APPLAUSE
0:42:03 > 0:42:05Harry Styles, everybody!
0:42:05 > 0:42:06Throughout this special show,