0:00:23 > 0:00:25APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:27CHEERING
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Rhod Gilbert.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42In the news this week,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45in Pyongyang, celebrating another successful missile launch,
0:00:45 > 0:00:49the nuclear weapons team get to see a different side to Kim Jong-un.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59PlayStation brings out a brand-new virtual reality game that lets
0:00:59 > 0:01:03players enjoy all the excitement of tweaking a hipster's beard.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14And, in an attempt to reduce energy bills,
0:01:14 > 0:01:18Rhondda Council unveils their new aluminium recycling centre.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27On Ian's team tonight is an award-winning playwright
0:01:27 > 0:01:29who says one of the best things about her job is getting up
0:01:29 > 0:01:30at whatever time she wants,
0:01:30 > 0:01:34so it was either writing, or being a train driver for Southern Rail.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38Please welcome Lucy Prebble. APPLAUSE
0:01:41 > 0:01:45And with Paul tonight is the writer and director of a new film about
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Stalin - a tyrannical megalomaniac with a cruel sense of humour...
0:01:48 > 0:01:51..Armando also made The Thick Of It. Please welcome Armando Iannucci.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54APPLAUSE
0:01:57 > 0:01:59And we start with the bigger stories of the week -
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Ian and Lucy, take a look at this.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06European dinner, they're eating their own hands.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- Water.- Oh, that's a subtle metaphor.- Oh!
0:02:10 > 0:02:12- Oh, a leak, yes.- Oh, look...
0:02:12 > 0:02:16- Man going upstairs, is that a metaphor?- No, he's just drunk.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19- There was a dinner, wasn't there? - There was a dinner.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21I do find it strange that we get this kind of autopsy of the dinner.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22It's a bit like, you know,
0:02:22 > 0:02:25when your flatmate comes back after a Tinder date and tells you,
0:02:25 > 0:02:27you know, "Well, he was a bit arrogant,
0:02:27 > 0:02:29"he was a bit cold." And you know that he's gone back
0:02:29 > 0:02:31to his group of friends and said, "Well,
0:02:31 > 0:02:33"she was begging for it, she was like this,
0:02:33 > 0:02:36"she was like that" - the stories are different, and then in the end,
0:02:36 > 0:02:38they're just going to find a way to split up, which is
0:02:38 > 0:02:41basically what's going to happen with these guys.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Yes, that image of a Tinder date between Theresa
0:02:43 > 0:02:45and Jean-Claude has really stayed with me.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49This is the leaked report from Theresa May's dinner
0:02:49 > 0:02:51with Jean-Claude Juncker.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54The dinner itself was very amicable, but was followed by
0:02:54 > 0:02:56an interminable argument over how to split the bill.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00What was the substance of the leak?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Theresa May was desperate
0:03:02 > 0:03:05and was begging the EU just to give her a chance.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07It's said that May had...
0:03:08 > 0:03:09Saying that...
0:03:13 > 0:03:17Juncker's chief aide is called Martin Selmayr and he's got form.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19There have been other occasions where there's only been three people
0:03:19 > 0:03:22in the room and the contents of the discussion have
0:03:22 > 0:03:24suddenly appeared in the German paper and everyone goes,
0:03:24 > 0:03:28"Oh, no. Not Martin! He doesn't do that sort of thing."
0:03:28 > 0:03:29- Oh, but does he?- Yeah.- Oh.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33He's a very, very hard line Europhile
0:03:33 > 0:03:35and he's known as "The Monster."
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Er, because people find him very difficult to deal with.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39He's got a number of different nicknames.
0:03:39 > 0:03:40Let's have a look at a picture of him
0:03:40 > 0:03:43and then I'll ask you to guess some of his other nicknames.
0:03:43 > 0:03:44The man who cuts his own hair.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46LAUGHTER
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- Rasputin, he's named as.- Rasputin?!
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- ARMANDO:- Rasputin had longer hair.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53I think you're focusing too much
0:03:53 > 0:03:55- on just the hair, to be honest. LUCY:- Yeah.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Is he Russia's greatest love machine?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01That's a Boney M reference.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03That's completely fine, that's allowed.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05- Based on historical research.- Yeah!
0:04:05 > 0:04:09No, no - I'm not saying Boney M hadn't done their stuff.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12I mean, compared to some of the lightweight Russian research
0:04:12 > 0:04:13that some people do.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15LAUGHTER
0:04:18 > 0:04:19Stalin is another of his nicknames.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- ARMANDO:- Then I've made a dreadful mistake.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Darth Vader, he's also known as Darth Vader!
0:04:25 > 0:04:29- Just anyone evil.- Do you know what the Daily Mail calls him?
0:04:29 > 0:04:30Editor in chief?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- It's leaky bully-boy. - I think I was right first time.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46What was the other sign that it might be Selmayr
0:04:46 > 0:04:48who was the culprit...
0:04:48 > 0:04:51..of these unexplained leaks?
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Did he say, "I have leaked this"?
0:04:54 > 0:04:55- Not far from the answer.- In German?
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- Not far from it. - "Ich leaken michen."
0:05:00 > 0:05:04As they left the Brussels dinner, Juncker turned to him and said...
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Right, yeah.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14What did photographers capture Theresa May doing
0:05:14 > 0:05:16- at the EU summit?- Begging.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- She was on her own. - Oh, yes, she was....
0:05:22 > 0:05:24She sat at a table, with just some plants.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Otherwise known as "The Cabinet."
0:05:28 > 0:05:32She was apologising to them, for running through wheat.
0:05:36 > 0:05:42How did May provide clarity on whether a no-deal Brexit is likely?
0:05:42 > 0:05:45After the summit, she said...something.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48She said, "It's not unlikely.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50"And is more than likely to be likely."
0:05:52 > 0:05:56- No?- I mean, totally the wrong words but pretty close to the...
0:05:56 > 0:05:58She said...
0:05:58 > 0:06:00HE READS QUICKLY
0:06:11 > 0:06:14APPLAUSE
0:06:14 > 0:06:17That's the first time that speech has got a round of applause.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22There was another leak at a high-level meeting of European
0:06:22 > 0:06:26- politicians this week, what was that?- Not this toxic gas leak?
0:06:26 > 0:06:29- No, a much less serious leak, arguably.- The vegetable leek?
0:06:29 > 0:06:33Slightly more serious than a vegetable leek.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35It involves Macron's dog.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37- Oh, yes.- Oh!
0:06:37 > 0:06:39The President of France urinated into a fireplace
0:06:39 > 0:06:41and then blamed it on his dog.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Would that that were true.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48While attending a meeting at the Elysee Palace with Macron
0:06:48 > 0:06:51and members of his government, Nemo relieved himself in the fireplace.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52Keep an eye on the young chien.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56MAN SPEAKS FRENCH
0:07:16 > 0:07:18I think that's all right in high-level meetings now,
0:07:18 > 0:07:22cos I think Trump does that. I think... I've seen it. Definitely.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28- I don't think he's polite enough to go over to the fireplace.- No!
0:07:29 > 0:07:31I do know something weird about Macron's dog's name.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Nemo... In France, legally, all dogs
0:07:34 > 0:07:37have to be named alphabetically according to year.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39So, all the dogs born in the year that Nemo was born,
0:07:39 > 0:07:42have to be named beginning with the letter N.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44- This is true, I'm not, you know, drunk.- No!
0:07:44 > 0:07:47It's absolutely true. When I saw that first footage of
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Merkel, May and Macron,
0:07:48 > 0:07:51I did think, maybe we're doing that with world leaders now.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Yeah, but what happens with really old animals that...?
0:07:55 > 0:07:58I don't know, I'm not a French vet!
0:07:58 > 0:08:02What if the dog refuses to give his real name?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04We learned this week that EU ministers have a nickname
0:08:04 > 0:08:08for Boris Johnson's deputy, Sir Alan Duncan.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Can anybody tell me what that nickname might be?
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Is it "oily"?
0:08:13 > 0:08:16He used to represent a lot of oil companies.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19I just throw that in, just to remind people.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20If they want to look it up,
0:08:20 > 0:08:24it is quite interesting, Sir Alan's previous career.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28In that case, then, is it "actual human turd"?
0:08:28 > 0:08:33Er, it's to do with Boris causing such a mess wherever he goes.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Is it "wet wipe" or something like that?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38The "human wet wipe"?
0:08:38 > 0:08:39The Europeans call him...
0:08:48 > 0:08:52Boris gave a speech this week - oh, happy days -
0:08:52 > 0:08:55where he urged the EU to speed up with Brexit.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58What was noteworthy about this particular speech?
0:08:58 > 0:09:01He made a number of Shakespearean references in it.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05He was just sort of riffing on the subject of why Brexit needed
0:09:05 > 0:09:06to happen quickly.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09So it was Hamlet, you know, he couldn't decide how to act
0:09:09 > 0:09:10and it was Macbeth, you know,
0:09:10 > 0:09:14waiting to stab someone - you've got Gove there, for God's sake!
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Just get on with it.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:19 > 0:09:21They applaud?!
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Can I just say, that was a metaphorical stabbing?
0:09:26 > 0:09:30- Can we have a look at Boris Johnson riffing on Shakespeare?- Yes.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33I suggest humbly to our friends and partners in Brussels,
0:09:33 > 0:09:35now is the time to get on with it.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39You know, let's not... I dare not wait upon I would or, you know,
0:09:39 > 0:09:42let the native hue of resolution be sicklied o'er
0:09:42 > 0:09:43with a pale cast of thought...
0:09:43 > 0:09:46- or whatever. - LAUGHTER
0:09:46 > 0:09:49..In the affairs of men... They should...grip it.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Go on, get on with it and, er...
0:09:52 > 0:09:55and start thinking about the future.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00That's not a speech, that's a malfunctioning android,
0:10:00 > 0:10:01that's what that is.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05That's words strung together in whichever form they come to him.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07I love the idea of "or whatever."
0:10:08 > 0:10:13Shakespeare's best-known lines all ended, "yeah, or whatever."
0:10:13 > 0:10:16"A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse...or whatever."
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Do you think he is just riffing or are they very...?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22He gives this impression that he's sort of riffing these quotes
0:10:22 > 0:10:25- from his...- I should think he knows those, I mean,
0:10:25 > 0:10:28again, people say, "Oh, he's got an incredibly well-stocked mind,"
0:10:28 > 0:10:31but, you know, most people have got a few quotes they can pull out.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33- And he does.- But also, it's not really...
0:10:33 > 0:10:35It's not really saying anything, though, is it?
0:10:35 > 0:10:37It's just babbling incoherently other people's words.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38And I have this theory that maybe,
0:10:38 > 0:10:42maybe Theresa May is deliberately not assuming any sort of opinion
0:10:42 > 0:10:45or position because she knows that's what got Cameron into trouble.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Boris Johnson immediately had the opposite opinion
0:10:48 > 0:10:50because basically Boris Johnson's entire personality is
0:10:50 > 0:10:53built backwards from being Prime Minister,
0:10:53 > 0:10:55so the idea that he disagreed with David Cameron
0:10:55 > 0:10:57is what defined him.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00And now Theresa May is just avoiding believing anything,
0:11:00 > 0:11:03so that Boris Johnson can't disagree with her and become Prime Minister.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06So they're in a sort of opinion standoff for ever.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08And they'll just talk nonsense until we all die.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Well, bring it on, I say.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15- That's not a very good end to the play.- Yeah.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Sorry, it's not dramatic.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19I love the way he always has that smile on his face,
0:11:19 > 0:11:22which is sort of saying, "I know that this sounds terrible.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26"And I'm still Foreign Secretary."
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Is he going to be Prime Minister?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32What do you think?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- Er, no.- OK.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36- I think yes.- Oh!
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Let's fight!
0:11:38 > 0:11:40It's like a 5 Live phone-in!
0:11:42 > 0:11:46The Sun had some Brexit-themed Shakespeare plays.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48What headlines did The Sun conjure up?
0:11:48 > 0:11:52Two Gentlemen Are Sent Back To Verona, Hurrah!
0:11:52 > 0:11:55They did have...
0:11:55 > 0:11:56ALL GROAN
0:12:01 > 0:12:03And I quite like this one...
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Pole being a pun on love?
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Yeah.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Who did the government distance themselves from this week?
0:12:17 > 0:12:20- Was it Mr Heaton-Harris?- Oh, yes.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22- LUCY:- Is this the man who sent the letter?
0:12:22 > 0:12:26Yes. He wanted the names of all lecturers at the universities
0:12:26 > 0:12:29who'd been teaching on European Affairs
0:12:29 > 0:12:32and information as to whether they were talking about Brexit
0:12:32 > 0:12:34- or pro-remain policies. - LUCY:- Ohh...
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Then he was accused afterwards of that being a bit sinister
0:12:37 > 0:12:41and he said, "That's not sinister, sending letters asking for the names
0:12:41 > 0:12:45"of people who teach this particular subject."
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Why would anybody think that was McCarthyite?
0:12:47 > 0:12:50You see, it's bloody liberals, you know, they are snowflakes.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52You just say, "Give us your name, I'll put it on a list
0:12:52 > 0:12:55"and I'm in the government," and they go, "Ooohhh!"
0:12:55 > 0:12:59- How do they go, again? - Just like that. "Ooohhh!"
0:12:59 > 0:13:00Well, it's Halloween.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04It's like a 1920s chorus girl.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- Exactly.- Hasn't he said he wants to write a book?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10And that's actually what it was about - research for a book -
0:13:10 > 0:13:13which I really hope isn't true and that it's a lie and a cover-up,
0:13:13 > 0:13:17because then now he has to write a book about Brexit
0:13:17 > 0:13:20which would be an amazing punishment for basically lying about it.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23We should all pre-order it off Amazon now, so he has to do it.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Interestingly, he didn't come up with that excuse,
0:13:25 > 0:13:27- he's been very quiet on the whole thing, I think.- OK.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31- That was Jo Johnson, wasn't it? - That was Jo Johnson.- His boss.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33So he's MAKING him write a book!
0:13:34 > 0:13:37The book is called The University Lecturer Murders.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40It's a mystery.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42How did universities respond?
0:13:42 > 0:13:44I just told you, "Whooohhh!"
0:13:45 > 0:13:49- Not all of them.- They were all pretty snowflake libtard, I thought.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Paul Kleiman took a slightly more humorous approach than some others,
0:13:58 > 0:14:01tweeting, "Dear Chris Heaton-Harris,
0:14:01 > 0:14:03"following your letter to my VC,
0:14:03 > 0:14:06"here are the details of my Theatre History lectures."
0:14:07 > 0:14:08Which included...
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Week two...
0:14:20 > 0:14:21And week six...
0:14:25 > 0:14:28- APPLAUSE - Brilliant.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34This is Brexit and the row over leaks after a dinner.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37In the Commons, Jeremy Corbyn attacked Theresa May's
0:14:37 > 0:14:40repetitive updates on EU talks by comparing them to...
0:14:41 > 0:14:42He was going to go with,
0:14:42 > 0:14:45"the cyclical nature of Marxist historical dialectic"
0:14:45 > 0:14:47until one of his advisers said,
0:14:47 > 0:14:50"Jeremy, for the love of Christ, just say Groundhog Day."
0:14:51 > 0:14:54One Tory MP came under fire for asking universities
0:14:54 > 0:14:57for the names and details of lecturers teaching Brexit.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59One critic accused him of McCarthyism
0:14:59 > 0:15:02while another said it was "idiotic Leninism."
0:15:02 > 0:15:03Lenin and McCarthyism, eh?
0:15:05 > 0:15:09Just let it be, I say. APPLAUSE
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Paul and Armando, take a look at this.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Ah, yes - this is the election last summer in Sheffield.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19That's Girls Aloud, I believe.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22- Oh! It's a young Paul Merton. - Yes, that's me.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Yes, it's the MP O'Mara.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29He's got into trouble through something that he said on Twitter
0:15:29 > 0:15:32or whatever it was 15 years ago, which was pretty horrendous.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34And he said he's been on a journey since then.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38Unfortunately, it was a return ticket, cos he's done it again.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Apparently he'd said something rather nasty to
0:15:41 > 0:15:44a woman in a Sheffield nightclub a couple of months ago or something,
0:15:44 > 0:15:46so, yes, it's...
0:15:46 > 0:15:49..misogynistic, homophobic remarks.
0:15:49 > 0:15:50Um, that's the end of the show!
0:15:52 > 0:15:54That's not the rest of your script, is it?
0:15:54 > 0:15:58- This is the Labour MP Jared O'Mara. - Jared O'Mara.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00It was given a twist by the fact that he was on
0:16:00 > 0:16:02the Commons Equalities Committee,
0:16:02 > 0:16:08so he was meant to be rooting out misogyny, homophobia, sexism and...
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Well, he did - he resigned!
0:16:11 > 0:16:12He rooted it out - in himself!
0:16:12 > 0:16:15He resigned when he was caught, let's be fair!
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Was he saying all these things towards writing
0:16:17 > 0:16:21a book about himself? I think that's what it is that he's doing.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- How has all this surfaced? - It's all on social media, isn't it?
0:16:24 > 0:16:27It's there forever, so somebody did some digging, presumably,
0:16:27 > 0:16:28- and found this stuff. - Do you know who?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Political website Guido Fawkes, that's who did it.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33They managed to access them from chatrooms
0:16:33 > 0:16:35and websites dating back to 2002.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37But there's a lot of people in the Labour Party going, "Oh, well,
0:16:37 > 0:16:41"he was very young, it was a long time ago, can't we not have this?
0:16:41 > 0:16:44"Cos, you know, he's not a Tory.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48"You see, if he'd said that and he was a Tory, we'd kill him.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50"But he was young, he was 22."
0:16:50 > 0:16:53It's absolutely no excuse.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Especially since the latest one was, what, three weeks ago,
0:16:55 > 0:16:59- or three months ago? - Yes.- But people were different then.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01It was a different time, sort of...
0:17:01 > 0:17:03The sun was shining...
0:17:04 > 0:17:07It was alleged that only recently, O'Mara had called a woman...
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- He denies that. - If you can't be held accountable
0:17:11 > 0:17:13for something that happened, like, 14 years ago,
0:17:13 > 0:17:16then there's, like, hairstyles and boyfriends I had
0:17:16 > 0:17:19that I can have expunged from the record, which I'm thrilled about!
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Expunge them all!
0:17:22 > 0:17:25"Will all boyfriends make their way to sector five..."
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Old hairstyles to the left...
0:17:29 > 0:17:32- Have you ever had a hairstyle you regretted, Ian?- Um...
0:17:38 > 0:17:40This from a man wearing a cravat!
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Roger Moore in The Persuaders!
0:17:44 > 0:17:48- Oh, right - that makes me Tony Curtis!- Absolutely!- Excellent!
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Why is this especially...?
0:17:50 > 0:17:54Why is this especially difficult for Labour?
0:17:54 > 0:17:55I mean, lots of people in the party
0:17:55 > 0:17:57say Labour have a problem with women.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Ah, yes.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01- ARMANDO:- Or abusive language.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Cos I was asked, do I ever get abuse on Twitter?
0:18:04 > 0:18:07And I said, "The only time I get abuse on Twitter
0:18:07 > 0:18:09"is if I make a joke about John McDonnell."
0:18:09 > 0:18:11And after I said that, I then got abuse
0:18:11 > 0:18:14for implying that I would get abuse for...
0:18:14 > 0:18:15LAUGHTER
0:18:15 > 0:18:18So just locked in this cycle of abuse, really, on Twitter.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20But, yes, no, they have a problem with, erm...
0:18:20 > 0:18:22And there's a bunch of Labour women MPs
0:18:22 > 0:18:25who say, "Every time we say anything about anything,
0:18:25 > 0:18:28"we just get this deluge of sort of
0:18:28 > 0:18:32"online drivel from rabid Corbynistas."
0:18:32 > 0:18:34- But it's difficult, isn't it? - I'm not online,
0:18:34 > 0:18:36so you can say what you like, I'm not going to read it.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39- Oh, there's lots of stuff, Ian. - Is there? Oh, good.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Well, I'd be annoyed if there wasn't!
0:18:42 > 0:18:45It is weird, though, isn't it, because there's a fine line
0:18:45 > 0:18:47between sort of terrible misogynistic language
0:18:47 > 0:18:50and just being a real dick, and it seems like some of his comments
0:18:50 > 0:18:52are being a real dick, you know?
0:18:52 > 0:18:55He's saying stuff about Jamie Cullum
0:18:55 > 0:18:57which, you know...is music criticism,
0:18:57 > 0:19:00probably, more than it's misogyny or homophobia...
0:19:00 > 0:19:02- Are you sure about that? - Well, I'm not, actually,
0:19:02 > 0:19:05- I don't know quite what he said. - He said poofters...- Oh, did he?
0:19:05 > 0:19:08..and he said Cullum should be sodomised with his own piano.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Ah, right, OK.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12So he doesn't like jazz much, then, does he?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15What did he say about pop band Girls Aloud? Do you remember?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18- Oh, yes - I do!- Go on. - Of course not...
0:19:20 > 0:19:22He invited them to...
0:19:25 > 0:19:27How many is an orgy, Ian?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29LAUGHTER
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Sorry, ANYONE? I'll open that out the panel!
0:19:32 > 0:19:33Well, two!
0:19:36 > 0:19:38And a mirror.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Who sprang to O'Mara's defence?
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Oh, everyone.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48- Really?- Yeah.- Well, HE certainly did. He said...
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Well, at last someone's spoken the truth!
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Although the signs of his enlightened forward-thinking
0:19:58 > 0:20:02were there back in 2006. This is from his band's website.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13So, any woman that goes on a date with him
0:20:13 > 0:20:15is doing it for charitable reasons.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20Shadow Minister Angela Rayner also defended him, saying...
0:20:27 > 0:20:29What's wrong with that statement from...?
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- He never made a maiden speech. - He didn't, no!
0:20:32 > 0:20:33And he hasn't been in Parliament much.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Why is he not keen on holding constituency surgeries on Fridays?
0:20:37 > 0:20:39- ARMANDO:- Oh, he goes out on Friday.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41- No, Thursday's his night out and he's hungover on a Friday.- Yeah!
0:20:41 > 0:20:42That's right.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50It's lad culture, we all do it.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53You get swept up in it, don't you? You just get swept up in it.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57I live within five miles of Wembley Stadium, it's a nightmare.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59I get swept up in football culture.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05He clearly likes a good time. Here's a tweet from one of his neighbours.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21What TV show is Jeremy Corbyn to appear on?
0:21:21 > 0:21:23- Gogglebox.- Yes.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24I hope he's on with Giles and Mary.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- Oh, you really watch it, Ian? Giles and Mary?- I love Gogglebox.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Who's your favourite on Gogglebox?
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Well, I like all of them, just cos it's so upbeat.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35I always come away at the end of the programme thinking,
0:21:35 > 0:21:37"Those are really nice people",
0:21:37 > 0:21:40unlike some other shows, you think, "Oh, God."
0:21:40 > 0:21:43That goes on at the same time as this one, so you watch THAT, do you?
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Which is a really nice show, full of nice people.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53That's a slap in the teeth, isn't it?
0:21:53 > 0:21:54What, you watch yourself, do you?
0:21:56 > 0:21:58I'm always intrigued when I make the edit.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07This is Labour MP Jared O'Mara, who has been suspended
0:22:07 > 0:22:10for a number of ill-advised comments made on social media.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12To be fair, everyone's done a few things
0:22:12 > 0:22:14when they were younger that they now regret.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Even Jacob Rees-Mogg sent some pretty racy telegrams.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21In his comments, Jared O'Mara
0:22:21 > 0:22:23has been homophobic, xenophobic and sexist.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25And worst of all, in the eyes of the Labour Party,
0:22:25 > 0:22:28he doesn't have a bad word to say about Jews.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30- AUDIENCE:- Ooohh!
0:22:32 > 0:22:34LAUGHTER
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Meanwhile, it's been announced that Jeremy Corbyn is
0:22:36 > 0:22:39to appear on a special edition of Gogglebox.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41I'm not saying Jeremy is out of touch with popular culture,
0:22:41 > 0:22:44but when he was told he was appearing on a sofa with Leon,
0:22:44 > 0:22:45he assumed it was Trotsky.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Oh, he's on with Leon!
0:22:50 > 0:22:53And so to round two, the Picture Spin Quiz.
0:22:53 > 0:22:54Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57BUZZER
0:22:57 > 0:22:59- Oh.- Armando and Paul. - Take That have reformed.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Oh, no! And they're appearing with their tribute band.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07It's Xi, which is slightly ironic when you look at that picture
0:23:07 > 0:23:10and the report says, "Xi is going to do this, Xi's going to do that" -
0:23:10 > 0:23:12oh, no - there's no women there!
0:23:12 > 0:23:14It's solid blokes.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17That's an odd way to phrase it.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Wall-to-wall fella!
0:23:22 > 0:23:24- Look at it!- LUCY:- Lad culture.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27- ARMANDO:- They look like they're going to be launched, don't they?
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Or like skittles - a huge ball is going to come and knock them over.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34It's President Xi,
0:23:34 > 0:23:37his thought has been, er...
0:23:37 > 0:23:39encapsulated within the Chinese constitution.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41The only other person who's
0:23:41 > 0:23:44had his thought as part of the constitution is Chairman Mao.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46- So...- How does that work, exactly?
0:23:46 > 0:23:50- Do you know what that means? - I think he just goes, "Mmmmm."
0:23:50 > 0:23:53- And it becomes law? - And people look at it, and go...
0:23:53 > 0:23:55"Mmmmm."
0:23:55 > 0:23:57His thought is mainly that he should be in charge.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01- That's his main thought, yes. - And other people should not be.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04- Yes.- And anyone who doesn't agree with him should shut up.- Yes.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Or be shut up for a very, very long time.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11Er, what does Donald Trump think of Xi Jinping?
0:24:11 > 0:24:13He congratulated him on his elevation,
0:24:13 > 0:24:16kind of revealing that he thinks he was somehow elected
0:24:16 > 0:24:19and kind of won that spot through an open ballot.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Whereas, in fact, it was sheer dictatorship.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24It's a fabulous quote from Trump.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:40 > 0:24:42- LUCY:- When he says "some people,"
0:24:42 > 0:24:44he means him, before someone just told him.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48How has the West come to this?
0:24:48 > 0:24:51We're sitting here discussing Brexit and Trump and China...
0:24:51 > 0:24:53When we could be watching Gogglebox!
0:24:55 > 0:24:57A totally innocent occupation!
0:24:58 > 0:25:01The five surviving ex-presidents of the USA all appeared
0:25:01 > 0:25:03at a fundraiser for the One America Appeal
0:25:03 > 0:25:07for hurricane relief. What led George W Bush
0:25:07 > 0:25:11and Barack Obama to snigger behind Bill Clinton's back?
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Oh, I don't know. Do we know what it was, what the joke was?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Journalist Simon Ricketts thinks Obama is laughing
0:25:17 > 0:25:21because Bush is pretending his arms are Bill Clinton's arms.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23It's...
0:25:23 > 0:25:24LAUGHTER
0:25:24 > 0:25:27It is a fantastic spot, that we are going to watch at least twice.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29LAUGHTER
0:25:29 > 0:25:32..calamitous disaster.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33But can be...
0:25:33 > 0:25:35LAUGHTER
0:25:39 > 0:25:42That's amazing, isn't it? LAUGHTER
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Isn't that amazing?
0:25:48 > 0:25:50- Who'd like to see that again? ALL:- Yeah!
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Let's have a look at that again.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55..calamitous disaster.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57But can be...
0:25:57 > 0:25:58LAUGHTER
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Donald Trump was in trouble this week after his phone call
0:26:06 > 0:26:09to the widow of a US soldier killed in Niger.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10She accused Trump of...
0:26:12 > 0:26:13His aides were just relieved
0:26:13 > 0:26:16he'd managed to pronounce "Niger" correctly.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Donald Trump does frequently have trouble with names.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25He recently referred to the African country of Nambia, later explaining
0:26:25 > 0:26:28he'd simply mixed up the two real countries of Gambia and Narnia.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42- BELL - I believe it's called a burger.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Well done, Ian. Think I'll give you a point just for that.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49- LUCY:- Is it...
0:26:49 > 0:26:52It's nothing to do with magic, or it's levitating or something?
0:26:52 > 0:26:54I mean, yes...
0:26:54 > 0:26:57It is the news that scientists at the University of Sussex have
0:26:57 > 0:26:59found a way of making food levitate.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00Why?
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Isn't "how?" the first question, rather than "why"?
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Er... OK, how?
0:27:08 > 0:27:10- How? I think you're going to have to tell us.- Is it magnets?
0:27:10 > 0:27:14- Do they do magnets? - Are we on how, or why?
0:27:14 > 0:27:17I've read several articles. I think they're still working on the "whys".
0:27:17 > 0:27:21- What's the catch with levitating food?- It doesn't work.
0:27:21 > 0:27:22It DOES work.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24How?!
0:27:24 > 0:27:25Why?!
0:27:30 > 0:27:34The catch is, according to the Sun, you can only eat your meal in...
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Let's have a look at the machine preloaded with a feast.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41It works by ultrasonic waves
0:27:41 > 0:27:43blasted from above and below
0:27:43 > 0:27:45to create what they're calling a...
0:27:47 > 0:27:49You can actually make some quite complex dishes.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Here's one for Ian. I know how you like cheese and wine.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Have you been reading my 15-year-old blog?
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Is that what you were doing when you were 15? Cheese and wine evenings?
0:28:03 > 0:28:05It was wild, I tell you.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08- It was lad culture, wasn't it? - Lad culture plus!
0:28:09 > 0:28:12He was swept up in the whole teenage cheese and wine...
0:28:12 > 0:28:15Get the boys round, watch a bit of bridge on the telly...
0:28:15 > 0:28:17..look up The Book Of Common Prayer.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22If only he was exaggerating.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Let's have a look at the cheese and wine hovering.
0:28:26 > 0:28:31That looks like a moon circulating round Saturn.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33- Do you want to see a levitating burger?- Yeah.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35Here it goes.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43It has been a bad news week, if this has made the show.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47How does the food get in your mouth?
0:28:47 > 0:28:48Oh, who cares?
0:28:50 > 0:28:52- ARMANDO:- It doesn't.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54I've invented something called the hand.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57You break up a pair of false teeth and chuck them in
0:28:57 > 0:29:00and they chew it up, like that.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03The scientists are working on using sound waves to float the food
0:29:03 > 0:29:06gracefully onto your outstretched tongue.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09This is what the Universities Minister should be writing
0:29:09 > 0:29:13letters about! "Dear University of Sussex, what are you doing?!
0:29:15 > 0:29:17"Give us the money back!"
0:29:17 > 0:29:19In other food news, yes, there's other food news.
0:29:19 > 0:29:21That wasn't food news.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23That was bonkers time!
0:29:23 > 0:29:26That was the main food news, this is just a supplementary food question.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29- I got it.- This one's smaller than that one.- Really?
0:29:29 > 0:29:31This is other food news.
0:29:31 > 0:29:35Why was Sharon Bijin disappointed with the cake
0:29:35 > 0:29:38she ordered for her husband's birthday?
0:29:38 > 0:29:39It misspelt his name?
0:29:39 > 0:29:42- No.- It was the size of a pea?
0:29:42 > 0:29:43- No?- No.
0:29:43 > 0:29:45Here's the cake, see if you can guess what it's supposed to be.
0:29:45 > 0:29:47This cake cost £50.
0:29:47 > 0:29:49ALL GASP
0:29:49 > 0:29:51That is the cake that Sharon Bijin...
0:29:51 > 0:29:53Is it a tribute to 2001: A Space Odyssey?
0:29:55 > 0:29:57Guesses from the internet have included a foetus,
0:29:57 > 0:30:00male genitalia and the alien that came out of John Hurt's stomach.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03I'll give you a clue - Sharon's husband is a body-builder.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06Oh, it's a muscle. I see, it's a bicep thing going on.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08- Yeah.- It's meant to be his bicep.
0:30:08 > 0:30:11Here's the cake that the baker was trying to copy.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13LAUGHTER
0:30:18 > 0:30:20When she picked the cake up, the baker said,
0:30:20 > 0:30:22"Don't open it, cos it's raining."
0:30:24 > 0:30:28Presumably, pushed her out the door, flicked the closed sign...
0:30:28 > 0:30:29"Closed!"
0:30:31 > 0:30:35This is science's bold leap towards levitating our meals.
0:30:35 > 0:30:38I can't see the idea of floating food ever catching on.
0:30:38 > 0:30:39It's pie-in-the-sky stuff.
0:30:39 > 0:30:41GROANS
0:30:41 > 0:30:44We built up to that joke, you realise that, don't you?
0:30:44 > 0:30:46That's the reason they put that question in!
0:30:48 > 0:30:50What time is Gogglebox on?
0:30:52 > 0:30:54- It's about now.- Is it?
0:30:54 > 0:30:57Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:31:00 > 0:31:01BUZZER
0:31:01 > 0:31:05- This is the only passenger on a flight.- It was the last flight
0:31:05 > 0:31:07of an airline to Crete.
0:31:07 > 0:31:09This is Karon Grieve, who had the time of her life
0:31:09 > 0:31:12when she booked a flight to Crete and ended up with the whole plane
0:31:12 > 0:31:15to herself. What perks did Karon enjoy on her private jet?
0:31:15 > 0:31:18They let her fly it for a while.
0:31:18 > 0:31:22She got a safety demonstration all to herself.
0:31:22 > 0:31:25"Your exits are here, here..."
0:31:25 > 0:31:27Do you think she listened to that safety briefing?
0:31:27 > 0:31:30- If it's just you...- There's quite a lot of pressure on you!
0:31:30 > 0:31:32Yeah, you've got to read it!
0:31:33 > 0:31:35- Can't look at your phone, really. - Yeah.
0:31:35 > 0:31:38Well, the pilot...
0:31:38 > 0:31:39Wow.
0:31:46 > 0:31:49Which crazy airline was this?!
0:31:49 > 0:31:52Well, not Ryanair, that would have cost you an extra 200 quid, that!
0:31:52 > 0:31:56What extreme behaviour was Karon allowed to engage in
0:31:56 > 0:31:59- on the flight?- She was drunk all the way through.
0:31:59 > 0:32:03- Did they let her into the flight deck?- Not that exciting.- No.
0:32:03 > 0:32:05The flight attendants very kindly told Karon she...
0:32:10 > 0:32:14I mean, it's sort of nice the pilot talking to her directly.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17but if the flight hadn't gone very well that would be terrifying,
0:32:17 > 0:32:19wouldn't it? If they were like, "Karon, we've got a problem...
0:32:21 > 0:32:24"There's a bit of turbulence. Sorry."
0:32:24 > 0:32:27- You'd feel terrified. - "Is there a doctor onboard?"
0:32:27 > 0:32:28LAUGHTER
0:32:34 > 0:32:36Who else went flying this week?
0:32:36 > 0:32:39The men in the balloons. In South Africa.
0:32:39 > 0:32:41Oh, was there a man with some balloons?
0:32:41 > 0:32:43I was going to see the woman who fell over on the stage.
0:32:43 > 0:32:45Er, which one are you going to go for?
0:32:45 > 0:32:49- I'll go with his balloons... - Should have gone with your own.- Ah!
0:32:49 > 0:32:52You lose the sofa and the holiday too.
0:32:53 > 0:32:55I've had a lovely day, Armando.
0:32:56 > 0:32:59Why don't you have a little run around the studio?
0:32:59 > 0:33:02Er, The Only Way Is Essex's Gemma Collins, who had a slight
0:33:02 > 0:33:06mishap while presenting a prize at Radio 1's Teen Awards.
0:33:06 > 0:33:08Do you want to have a little look?
0:33:08 > 0:33:09No, I've seen it.
0:33:10 > 0:33:16The winner of the Radio 1 Teen Award for best TV show is...
0:33:20 > 0:33:22..Love Island!
0:33:37 > 0:33:42- Perfect. Perfect, classic.- The balloons was a bit nicer than that.
0:33:42 > 0:33:44You'd just want the ground to swallow you up, wouldn't you,
0:33:44 > 0:33:46after something like that?
0:33:46 > 0:33:49She's going to sue, so I read.
0:33:49 > 0:33:50I thought she was sort of joking about that.
0:33:50 > 0:33:52She said, "Where's blame, there's a claim."
0:33:52 > 0:33:55But she seemed to have a twinkle in her eye, at the time.
0:33:55 > 0:33:57I think that was a splinter.
0:33:59 > 0:34:02Finally, what looked like it was going to be a terrible mishap,
0:34:02 > 0:34:05this week, but it ended up being a bit of a "hap"?
0:34:07 > 0:34:09- Is that a word?- Yes.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12A semifinal shoot out between the Bangkok Sports Club
0:34:12 > 0:34:15and Satri Angthong in Thailand,
0:34:15 > 0:34:18the scores are poised at 19-19.
0:34:19 > 0:34:22And the goalkeeper mistakenly thought it was all over.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24WHISTLE
0:34:35 > 0:34:37CHEERING
0:34:47 > 0:34:49I feel swept up in football!
0:34:51 > 0:34:53This is Karon Grieve, who flew to Crete with Jet2
0:34:53 > 0:34:55and got 189 seats to herself.
0:34:55 > 0:34:58Here's a picture of Karon mid-flight.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01She's smiling, but she did specifically request an aisle seat.
0:35:04 > 0:35:06Time now for the Missing Words round,
0:35:06 > 0:35:09which this week features as its guest publication...
0:35:12 > 0:35:14Have I Got Moos For You.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18It's UDDERLY fascinating. Let's not milk it, let's not milk it.
0:35:18 > 0:35:20LAUGHTER
0:35:20 > 0:35:24APPLAUSE A round of applause. Really?!
0:35:24 > 0:35:25Really?
0:35:25 > 0:35:27You disappoint me.
0:35:27 > 0:35:29And we start with...
0:35:33 > 0:35:38Get out of bed, walk across the hills and milk a herd!
0:35:38 > 0:35:40- ARMANDO:- Is it - kill a cow and roast it?
0:35:44 > 0:35:47Even on crappy days, it's still rewarding to see
0:35:47 > 0:35:50your magnificent herd of cattle transgressing across
0:35:50 > 0:35:54- the hillsides.- Transgressing?!- Yes.
0:35:54 > 0:35:58- What were they up to?- Well, that's what the story is about.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00What line did they cross, in your mind?
0:36:00 > 0:36:02It's like sheep rustling, you know.
0:36:02 > 0:36:05- Sheep don't rustle.- They do if you tie their legs together.
0:36:07 > 0:36:10I knew all those years of reading the Beano would pay off one day.
0:36:10 > 0:36:13Even on crappy days, it's still rewarding...
0:36:16 > 0:36:18Yeah, it's what I said!
0:36:18 > 0:36:21Next, what is an insult to cockneys?
0:36:21 > 0:36:23Dick Van Dyke's accent.
0:36:24 > 0:36:28It's a new themed restaurant that's opened up in London in the East End.
0:36:28 > 0:36:29- It is.- They're charging lots of money
0:36:29 > 0:36:31- to eat traditional cockney fare. - It is.
0:36:31 > 0:36:34East End-themed dining experience is an insult to cockneys,
0:36:34 > 0:36:36is the right answer.
0:36:36 > 0:36:37I had "Piss off, Cockneys."
0:36:41 > 0:36:42Thank you, Guvnor!
0:36:42 > 0:36:46I had Jeremy Hunt, so lucky we didn't get to that.
0:36:46 > 0:36:50This is a Cockney-themed dinner party featuring tracksuited
0:36:50 > 0:36:53and tattooed characters drinking, smoking and being aggressive.
0:36:53 > 0:36:56If you really want to be entertained by these appalling stereotypes
0:36:56 > 0:36:58at the £55-a-head meal, I'd just say,
0:36:58 > 0:37:00"Leave it, it's not worf it."
0:37:02 > 0:37:04- What...?- Next...
0:37:04 > 0:37:06Yeah, go on, then - I'll let it go.
0:37:06 > 0:37:10- That was all right, wasn't it? - Yeah, not too bad.- Aw'wight?
0:37:10 > 0:37:11Can I hear your Welsh?
0:37:11 > 0:37:15- IN WELSH ACCENT:- Well, it's only a little bit, you know, but...
0:37:15 > 0:37:16There's certain names,
0:37:16 > 0:37:20if you think of certain composers like Johann Sebastian Bach.
0:37:21 > 0:37:25- You're Welsh, aren't you, Ian? Born in Mumbles.- I was.
0:37:25 > 0:37:27But it was a very long time ago.
0:37:29 > 0:37:31And I was writing a book about Wales.
0:37:37 > 0:37:39Next,
0:37:39 > 0:37:42if you give a cow what, she will pay you back in milk.
0:37:42 > 0:37:44- LUCY:- A hug and a bucket?
0:37:45 > 0:37:4625 quid.
0:37:48 > 0:37:49- ARMANDO:- A milk token.
0:37:51 > 0:37:53- LUCY:- A credit card...
0:37:53 > 0:37:55Love and affection.
0:37:55 > 0:37:57- Respect.- Respect! It's got to be!
0:37:57 > 0:37:59Er... Now, where are we?!
0:37:59 > 0:38:01Oh, next, Richard Madeley...
0:38:01 > 0:38:04- Did we get the answer?- Oh, sorry!
0:38:04 > 0:38:06If you give a cow Richard Madeley?!
0:38:06 > 0:38:07She'll pay you back in milk?!
0:38:07 > 0:38:09- LUCY:- I never would have got that!
0:38:09 > 0:38:11That's what it says!
0:38:13 > 0:38:15I hope this isn't some terribly misogynistic reference
0:38:15 > 0:38:17to Judy that we've got here.
0:38:17 > 0:38:18LAUGHTER
0:38:18 > 0:38:20That's appalling.
0:38:22 > 0:38:24Absolutely appalling.
0:38:26 > 0:38:29I can't work out who's going to get the blame for that - you or me?
0:38:29 > 0:38:32Well, I was trying to make it out that somebody else had said it...
0:38:32 > 0:38:34Unsuccessfully, I should imagine.
0:38:34 > 0:38:36If you give a cow her six basic needs,
0:38:36 > 0:38:38she will pay you back in milk.
0:38:38 > 0:38:41- Richard Madeley... - He's come up again!
0:38:44 > 0:38:46I think he guest edited this edition of Cowsmopolitan!
0:38:48 > 0:38:51- Richard Madeley what...?- Has a cow.
0:38:52 > 0:38:54Is sober.
0:38:54 > 0:38:55LAUGHTER
0:38:57 > 0:39:00- That's not libellous. - LUCY:- Is it "has to be mentioned"?
0:39:00 > 0:39:03- Yes!- Which is why we've had to mention him so much tonight.
0:39:03 > 0:39:06- Exactly.- Just legally. - He was doing Breakfast this week.
0:39:06 > 0:39:09- I don't watch much telly, but he was, um...- Was he good?
0:39:09 > 0:39:12- Yeah, no, he was very, very good. - I've always liked him.
0:39:12 > 0:39:17What's happened to you, Ian? Gogglebox, now breakfast television?
0:39:17 > 0:39:19- It's another book. - Have you lost your job?
0:39:26 > 0:39:30There's a lot of competition for paper rounds these days, you know.
0:39:30 > 0:39:34The answer is Richard Madeley goes commando in every telly show.
0:39:34 > 0:39:35GROANS
0:39:35 > 0:39:38Yeah, I'm not sure if that's the response he'd have hoped for, but...
0:39:38 > 0:39:42Richard Madeley revealed he wasn't wearing underpants
0:39:42 > 0:39:45on Good Morning Britain and up until that moment, it had been.
0:39:47 > 0:39:52And finally, pork chop looks uncannily like what?
0:39:52 > 0:39:54Richard Madeley?
0:39:56 > 0:39:58Looks uncannily like a pig, with a bit missing.
0:40:02 > 0:40:03Darth Vader is the answer.
0:40:03 > 0:40:05This better be uncanny.
0:40:05 > 0:40:08Pork chop looks uncannily like Darth Vader, well, check it out -
0:40:08 > 0:40:09see how uncanny it is.
0:40:12 > 0:40:15So, the final scores are...
0:40:15 > 0:40:16Ian and Lucy have five,
0:40:16 > 0:40:19- but Paul and Armando have five.- Hooray!
0:40:21 > 0:40:22Well done.
0:40:24 > 0:40:27But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.
0:40:27 > 0:40:30Paul and Armando have this.
0:40:30 > 0:40:33Now all we need is some cheese and we can go to Ian Hislop's party.
0:40:38 > 0:40:39Ian and Lucy get that.
0:40:39 > 0:40:43Virtual reality headsets forget to put in any virtual or reality?
0:40:44 > 0:40:47Mr Weinstein's office staff.
0:40:47 > 0:40:49- ALL:- Ohh!
0:40:49 > 0:40:51PANEL LAUGH
0:40:52 > 0:40:54Yep, that's the one to finish the show on.
0:40:55 > 0:40:58And I leave you with news that there are fears that a split in the Tory
0:40:58 > 0:41:01party could end in violence, as evidence emerges that
0:41:01 > 0:41:04Boris Johnson has his own personal army.
0:41:09 > 0:41:11Surveillance cameras show that even in Mayfair,
0:41:11 > 0:41:14there's a problem with teenagers hanging around on the streets.
0:41:18 > 0:41:20And at Calais, the British unveil the winning design
0:41:20 > 0:41:23for a post-Brexit entrance to the Channel Tunnel.
0:41:26 > 0:41:28Goodnight.