0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:26 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I'm Jo Brand. In the news this week,
0:00:43 > 0:00:47checking out the venue before a rally for Scottish independence,
0:00:47 > 0:00:51the SNP's head of health and safety arrives with his lunch.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01At his country home in Chester, Liam Gallagher hears
0:01:01 > 0:01:04there may be some paparazzi lurking in the bushes.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11And, in Sidcup,
0:01:11 > 0:01:13maverick WI treasurer Betty Wilson
0:01:13 > 0:01:17flouts her six-month ban to attend a coffee morning.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28On Ian's team tonight is a writer and Daily Mail journalist
0:01:28 > 0:01:32whose latest book is called Patronising Bastards,
0:01:32 > 0:01:37and I'm sure it's a very, very good book for a journalist.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Please welcome Quentin Letts.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41APPLAUSE
0:01:44 > 0:01:47And with Paul tonight is a comedian and broadcaster
0:01:47 > 0:01:50who has five children under the age of eight.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53He desperately wanted to be here last week,
0:01:53 > 0:01:56partly to discuss the Chinese leadership story,
0:01:56 > 0:02:00but mainly because it was half term. Please welcome Miles Jupp.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03APPLAUSE
0:02:05 > 0:02:08And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Ian and Quentin, take a look at this.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13- There's the House of Commons. - Sexminster.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16No, THAT'S the House of Commons!
0:02:16 > 0:02:19That's Rocket Man, having a feel.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22And he's off. The former Defence Secretary.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24That was the government.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27By the time you watch this it may be someone else completely.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31- But Boris is not involved. - No, that's all consensual.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35No, he wasn't on the list,
0:02:35 > 0:02:39which you haven't seen - and nor have I.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42How do you know he wasn't on the list if you haven't seen it?
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Damn you, Merton!
0:02:45 > 0:02:47No further questions, m'lud.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50You have to feel sorry for Michael Fallon.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53When the news broke last night, the female BBC journalist
0:02:53 > 0:02:56kept describing him as a safe pair of hands.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Unfortunate phrase, in the circumstances.
0:03:00 > 0:03:01Do you know why he's gone?
0:03:01 > 0:03:05Cos it can't just be that one story about Julia Hartley-Brewer,
0:03:05 > 0:03:07because she said, "I don't care."
0:03:07 > 0:03:09He's brave.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Hartley-Brewer - big, strong girl.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- She's not a girl.- She's got reach, as they say in boxing.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17She's a woman, Quentin, she's not a girl.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19APPLAUSE Um... She...
0:03:21 > 0:03:25Can I just say, I don't feel sorry for Michael Fallon at all.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29I keep wanting to call him "Michael Phallus," actually.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32There must be more of a reason. Either there's juicer stuff
0:03:32 > 0:03:34still to come - which he denies -
0:03:34 > 0:03:38or it's a cunning and clever way of forcing everyone else who's ever
0:03:38 > 0:03:40touched someone's knee to resign.
0:03:40 > 0:03:45What did the knee-ee, Julia Hartley-Brewer, say about it?
0:03:45 > 0:03:48She said, "I wasn't offended and I don't think he should resign."
0:03:48 > 0:03:52Well, do you know what prompted her to bring it up in the first place?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Um, was it on Twitter?
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Well, no, it's a list of Conservative MPs
0:03:57 > 0:04:00and their behaviour was leaked. Which is what you said.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02And there was a bit of a media feeding frenzy.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06So why would a journalist with a scoop want to miss out?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Here's how the Sun reported it.
0:04:08 > 0:04:13Surprising that the Sun gives her radio station a big plug.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17Until you learn that the Sun owners, News Corp, own Talkradio.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19So there we go.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Is it a bit annoying for the Mail, Quentin?
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Was Paul Dacre demanding that one of his reporters claim that she'd been
0:04:24 > 0:04:27touched up by a Tory?
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- I don't think so. I've never been touched up.- Have you not?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32You sound regretful about that.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36I-I-I go for older women, more.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38LAUGHTER
0:04:38 > 0:04:40That Angela Merkel.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44- Is she older?- It's sort of Tinder here, isn't it?
0:04:45 > 0:04:48I can't see Quentin swiping left.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:53 > 0:04:56The trouble with this list, it says things like,
0:04:56 > 0:04:59"inappropriate comment to researcher,"
0:04:59 > 0:05:03and then lower in the list it says, "marries researcher."
0:05:03 > 0:05:06So, it was obviously quite appropriate in that particular case,
0:05:06 > 0:05:10cos it was wanted. It's very odd. It's a very odd spreadsheet.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Where are the Lib Dems, that's what I want to know, in this sex scandal?
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Normally they are way in the front, in any sex scandal,
0:05:15 > 0:05:17and they've been left trailing.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Well, there's not enough of them any more.
0:05:19 > 0:05:24They can't even round up a decent gang of sex offenders.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26A threesome would be a push, wouldn't it?
0:05:26 > 0:05:28It would be a push.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30APPLAUSE
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Has anyone here ever touched a knee?
0:05:33 > 0:05:37I'm touching two now.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38Not your own, Miles.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40He didn't say it was his own.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46It's pathetic, this isn't a sex scandal, Ian, is it?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49- I mean, there doesn't seem to be any sex at the moment.- No.- I mean,
0:05:49 > 0:05:52- you know, Berlusconi in bunga bunga land.- Yes.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56- That's a sex scandal. - Could you not take your hands...?
0:05:56 > 0:05:59That's what I was doing!
0:05:59 > 0:06:02I think that's mostly the nature of it, yes. It's a grope scandal.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05This is Jane Austen.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06- No sex in it.- I...
0:06:06 > 0:06:10I missed that book.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14Grope and Gropeability.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Now, various prominent female columnists have pleaded for this
0:06:17 > 0:06:21not to turn into a witch-hunt. Who are they, do you know?
0:06:21 > 0:06:25People like Janice Turner and... Lots of quite sensible people have said,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28"Don't conflate everything with a clumsy pass,"
0:06:28 > 0:06:31and "Not everyone has to be arrested for even thinking about sex."
0:06:31 > 0:06:33I mean, it's a reasonable point, to go for the people who are
0:06:33 > 0:06:36actually guilty of something and, you know, punish them.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40Is witch-hunt the right term for this, anyway, really? I mean,
0:06:40 > 0:06:43if we're talking about predatory sexual behaviour from men,
0:06:43 > 0:06:47isn't "bellend-hunt" a bit more appropriate?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49APPLAUSE Oh, thank you.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53The Times published a redacted version of the list.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55A damning indictment of MPs'
0:06:55 > 0:06:57behaviour, or, if you prefer,
0:06:57 > 0:06:59a fun-packed Missing Words round.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05I mean, here's one, for example.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Clothing, presumably.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- Perfume.- Women's suffrage banners. - Yes, well...
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Lloyd George again.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22OK, try the next one.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Own sweets.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31That's just sensible.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33It's "personal trainer".
0:07:33 > 0:07:37- There we go.- Some of this is not high-level crime, is it?
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- No. No, no, no. - Compared to Putin or Trump.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42But if I can I just say,
0:07:42 > 0:07:46as the only representative of the female gender here today,
0:07:46 > 0:07:48I know it's not high-level,
0:07:48 > 0:07:52but it doesn't have to be high-level for women to feel under siege
0:07:52 > 0:07:57in somewhere like the House of Commons, and actually, for women,
0:07:57 > 0:08:02if you're constantly being harassed, even in a small way, that builds up,
0:08:02 > 0:08:04and that wears you down.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Sorry, I thought I was on Question Time there for a minute.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17As you point out, with four blokes sitting around you,
0:08:17 > 0:08:21we're hardly in a position to say, "That's rubbish."
0:08:21 > 0:08:25There is a wide range of behaviour on offer. One MP is described as...
0:08:27 > 0:08:30- What, can he drive? - Well, I don't know.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33I thought maybe it meant he'd hold your chips
0:08:33 > 0:08:36while you throw up out the window, I don't know.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39That's what I'm looking for in a man, you know.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41What a showbiz life you lead, Jo.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44I tell you, Paul, you should come out with me for the night,
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- it's marvellous. - I should, yeah. I should.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49What did the list have to say about Amber Rudd?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Oh, she'd had an affair, a post-marital affair,
0:08:52 > 0:08:55with another MP, and he wasn't married either.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59So what? You know, she's having a love life, good for her.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02- Fair enough.- Yes, but they're very puritan...- They are.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04..this particular bunch of researchers,
0:09:04 > 0:09:06and that was put on the list.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08"Enjoying life"!
0:09:12 > 0:09:16Now, Labour are obviously trying to keep their heads down
0:09:16 > 0:09:20while the Tories self-destruct again, but why can't they this time?
0:09:20 > 0:09:22- They've had a rather serious rape allegation.- Very serious.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Which is way above the level of comedy.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28And there's also one of their chaps who's accused of being very good
0:09:28 > 0:09:30on a discotheque floor.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33- Is that a euphemism? - No, that is the actual offence.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- He has rhythm? - Moves rhythmically to music.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- Well, he's got to go.- Yeah.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42That's absolutely perverted.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46Now, what's John McDonald's record with women like?
0:09:46 > 0:09:48- He's into lynching.- That's right.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52He's really politically correct about it, though, because in 2014,
0:09:52 > 0:09:54when he wanted to encourage someone
0:09:54 > 0:09:57to murder Tory Minister Esther McVey,
0:09:57 > 0:10:01he was very careful to use non-sexist language when he said...
0:10:04 > 0:10:08- So, not too good, then.- No. Who made a rubbish joke on Radio 4 last week?
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Guilty!
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Michael Gove, on the Today programme.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21That's right, with the help of Neil Kinnock, I do believe,
0:10:21 > 0:10:25when they compared John Humphrys to Harvey Weinstein.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29Interesting that the audience of metropolitan lefty liberals
0:10:29 > 0:10:32who were there to celebrate 60 years of the Today programme,
0:10:32 > 0:10:36and John Humphrys, seemed to find it hilarious.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Now, Quentin, didn't you upset Polly Toynbee of the Guardian on the radio
0:10:39 > 0:10:41- last week?- Yes, I did, I did.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44She accused me of being Harvey Weinstein, in her column,
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- the next day.- Why did she accuse you of being Harvey Weinstein?
0:10:46 > 0:10:50Because I was having a ding-dong with her... An argument.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53On the radio...
0:10:53 > 0:10:55A consensual argument?
0:10:55 > 0:11:00I thought she was being a bit of a miserable old battle-axe, so I said,
0:11:00 > 0:11:04"Come on, Polly, I want to pin you down and tickle your tummy,
0:11:04 > 0:11:06"sometimes, cheer you up."
0:11:06 > 0:11:10You said, "Tickle you under the armpits and make you smile, my dear."
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Yeah. Well, why not? She could do with it. Cheering up!
0:11:13 > 0:11:16I think the pinning her down bit's not great.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Well, how else do you tickle someone under the armpits?
0:11:19 > 0:11:21I suppose you can run up behind them.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Oh...!
0:11:25 > 0:11:29Let's just pop back to Michael Fallon for a sec, shall we?
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Who's replaced him as Defence Secretary?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Gavin... Gavin.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36LAUGHTER
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Gavin something.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Gavin Williamson, that's right.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42- I mean, he was the Chief Whip.- Yes.
0:11:42 > 0:11:47Which again suggests that given the Whip's job is to control the party
0:11:47 > 0:11:49and keep discipline,
0:11:49 > 0:11:52he hasn't had a great year, has he?
0:11:52 > 0:11:55This is the sex scandal engulfing Westminster.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57According to the redacted dossier, a...
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Why are these jobs never advertised?!
0:12:04 > 0:12:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Although it's redacted,
0:12:11 > 0:12:14the list including sexual predators features the usual suspects.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Ironic in the week we found out
0:12:16 > 0:12:20The Usual Suspects featured a sexual predator.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22According to the Daily Mail,
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Speaker John Bercow once recommended the chat-up line,
0:12:25 > 0:12:27"If you're free later,
0:12:27 > 0:12:31"maybe we could go back to your place and name your breasts."
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Not a great line, but it did get three series on ITV 2.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Did you watch it, Morecambe and Wise?
0:12:43 > 0:12:47Much better than Little and Large, if you think about it.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Paul and Miles, take a look at this.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Yes, the appropriately named White House.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56- Not sure what they're doing. - Very discreet policeman.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Crouching for democracy.
0:12:58 > 0:12:59This is Paul Manafort,
0:12:59 > 0:13:02who's given himself in to the FBI earlier this week,
0:13:02 > 0:13:05and, "North Korea's that way, Mr President."
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Yes, President Trump apparently is seething,
0:13:07 > 0:13:10according to insiders in the White House,
0:13:10 > 0:13:11he's glued to this Russian coverage,
0:13:11 > 0:13:14it's taking up every minute of his waking day.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16That's not very long, is it?
0:13:16 > 0:13:19- Well...- The bit between the telly and the tweeting.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23George Papadopoulos is the guy that's admitted lying to the FBI.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25If you're found guilty of lying to the FBI,
0:13:25 > 0:13:26it's a five-year prison sentence,
0:13:26 > 0:13:29but because he's cooperating, that'll be reduced to six months,
0:13:29 > 0:13:32so there's a lot of worried people at the moment.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36Absolutely. Two key aides of Trump, you mentioned Paul Manafort,
0:13:36 > 0:13:39and a business associate, also, Rick Gates,
0:13:39 > 0:13:41face charges of money-laundering,
0:13:41 > 0:13:44tax evasion and conspiracy to defraud the US government.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47And former policy adviser George Papadopoulos was revealed...
0:13:47 > 0:13:51Who has the greatest forehead in the history of the world, look at that.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53- It's amazing, isn't it? - It's incredibly shiny and flat.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55And orange.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Same colour as the bus behind him that's going to Putney Bridge.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Experts believe this picture was taken in London.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06It's basically about the Russians trying to influence the American election.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08- And succeeding.- Yeah.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- It's a success story.- Yeah.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15Why aren't we getting behind it? What's wrong with us?
0:14:15 > 0:14:20Manafort's connections with Russian and Ukrainian oligarchs are clear,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23but does Trump have any connections to these people?
0:14:23 > 0:14:26He owes them millions of dollars.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28He's in serious debt to the Russians.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Can you back me up on this, Ian?
0:14:30 > 0:14:36Yeah, no. Whatever you say, Miles, I reckon, is true, and worse.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Here's Manafort convincingly explaining to us that, actually,
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Trump doesn't have any connections to these people,
0:14:42 > 0:14:45during the 2016 election.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49So, to be clear, Mr Trump has no financial relationships
0:14:49 > 0:14:52- with any Russian oligarchs? - That's what he said.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56That's what I... That's obviously what the... Our position is.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00LAUGHTER
0:15:00 > 0:15:03I believe him, he's got a trustworthy face.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07Now, of course, the news agencies
0:15:07 > 0:15:10were very excited by Manafort's arrest,
0:15:10 > 0:15:13with nearly all of them focusing heavily on the breaking story.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15CNN was right on the money.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Here we are.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21And NBC also had its finger on the pulse. Manafort.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25Although someone pointed out Fox News found something else to report on.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32What is the emoji cheeseburger crisis?
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Does anyone know? What's wrong with the burger on the right?
0:15:34 > 0:15:39It's got the cheese slice underneath the burger.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Which is... I mean, that is almost as disgusting as dancing.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45Would you put the lettuce underneath the burger on the left?
0:15:45 > 0:15:49All of these people are absolutely deranged.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51It's like it's been thrown together with no thought at all.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- QUENTIN:- What emotion does it convey, this symbol?
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Happiness, for me.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03Who other than George Papadopoulos is particularly suffering because of
0:16:03 > 0:16:05George Papadopoulos's arrest?
0:16:05 > 0:16:06George Papadopoulos.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10- Indeed. That's right. But not that one, another one.- Another one?
0:16:10 > 0:16:12This one's a financial planner,
0:16:12 > 0:16:16who was deluged with tweets as the story broke. He tweeted...
0:16:24 > 0:16:27To which Michael Bolton replied...
0:16:31 > 0:16:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Other people to offer support were a Bruce Lee,
0:16:37 > 0:16:40a James Taylor and a Jim Morrison, so...
0:16:40 > 0:16:44Now, Trump is known as a genius when it comes to business and also...
0:16:44 > 0:16:46- By who?- ..and also branding.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48- By himself.- Mr Putin.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Well, he's quite a successful businessman.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53No, he isn't. You must never give him that credit.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- All right. He's a shit businessman. - Thank you.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00APPLAUSE I said the right thing!
0:17:00 > 0:17:02He inherited money from his father,
0:17:02 > 0:17:05and the New York Times calculated if he'd put it in a bank
0:17:05 > 0:17:07and done nothing for the next 20 years,
0:17:07 > 0:17:09he'd be richer than he is now.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13He went bankrupt, you know, he went bankrupt running a casino -
0:17:13 > 0:17:18first man in history. How do you do that, how do you lose money?
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Just sort of moving slightly sideways,
0:17:21 > 0:17:24who became an internet sensation this week?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Think Trump travelling somewhere.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31- Is this Mrs Trump?- No, it was a cyclist in Virginia.- Oh, yes!
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Yes, that's right. Yes, the Presidential Motorcade
0:17:33 > 0:17:37- was going down the road and she showed her respect.- Here we go.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Moving in... Yes.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45As it slowed, she carried on showing the finger...
0:17:47 > 0:17:52- Different direction to the one she was indicating?- That's right.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Now, there was more suspicion surrounding Trump this week,
0:17:55 > 0:17:58he's suspected of masquerading as somebody...
0:17:58 > 0:18:03- On Halloween?- Someone wrote a letter saying all women love Donald Trump.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07That's right. He was suspected as masquerading as his own secretary,
0:18:07 > 0:18:10a woman called Carolin, in 1992.
0:18:10 > 0:18:15Now, a letter has surfaced that Carolin wrote to New York Magazine.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17See if you can pick up on the subtle signs
0:18:17 > 0:18:21that led people to think Donald might have written it. Here we go.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50OK, this is the latest evidence of links between the White House
0:18:50 > 0:18:52and Russia. After the FBI arrested
0:18:52 > 0:18:56Trump campaign adviser George Papadopoulos,
0:18:56 > 0:18:59a White House spokesman insisted he was just a coffee boy
0:18:59 > 0:19:04whose only involvement was ordering caramel macchiato,
0:19:04 > 0:19:06leading to a panicked Trump to tweet,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09"I never met Caramel Macchiato."
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Trump's former campaign chairman Paul Manafort
0:19:13 > 0:19:16has been accused of setting up a business in London
0:19:16 > 0:19:18to launder millions of dollars.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21According to the Telegraph, the company operated from...
0:19:24 > 0:19:25A property in Finchley?
0:19:25 > 0:19:29My God, how much money have these people got?!
0:19:29 > 0:19:32At the White House Halloween celebrations,
0:19:32 > 0:19:33there was an awkward moment
0:19:33 > 0:19:36between Donald Trump and an inflatable dinosaur.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39"I just didn't like the look of its big scary head
0:19:39 > 0:19:41"and tiny little hands,"
0:19:41 > 0:19:42said the dinosaur.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:49 > 0:19:52And so to round two, the picture spin quiz.
0:19:52 > 0:19:53Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58BUZZER
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Yes, this is the Great British Bake Off. That's Prue Leith.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03She was in another country and got her time zones wrong
0:20:03 > 0:20:04and she tweeted congratulations
0:20:04 > 0:20:06to the winner of the Great British Bake Off
0:20:06 > 0:20:08some 12 hours before we were meant to find out who it was.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11But it didn't affect the ratings. Still people tuned in
0:20:11 > 0:20:14and it just shows you, people love cakes.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16- And who won?- Do you not know?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19- No.- No. - Sophie.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- Are you any the wiser?- No.- No.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23What was her creation?
0:20:23 > 0:20:26What did she make that was the best baked cake ever made?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28She made something called an entremet.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29- Oh, yes.- Do you know what that is?
0:20:29 > 0:20:32No, it's a ballet move, I know that much.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34It's the sort of thing you would see in a patisserie
0:20:34 > 0:20:37that's got lots of different flavoured layers of mousse.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39A feuillete.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42- A feuillete? - Feuillete, mm.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Feuillete.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46- Yeah.- Do you bake, Quentin?
0:20:46 > 0:20:48I do, I do a very good flapjack.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Flapjacks are piss easy.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Listen, even I can do a flapjack.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Mine are jolly good.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Prue broke the news thus:
0:21:02 > 0:21:04in a tweet at 10:37am, Prue wrote...
0:21:11 > 0:21:14What time was it where she was?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16I mean, was she up in the middle of the night somewhere?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19I'm just worried about her. We all should be, she's gone missing.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Well, the final was many, many months ago.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26- Oh, was it?- Yeah. And so they have to keep it secret for quite a time.
0:21:26 > 0:21:27And it finished months ago?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29- Yeah.- Well, what are they doing?
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- Just sitting on it? - Waiting for them to cool.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34LAUGHTER
0:21:34 > 0:21:37We bakers do that.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Anyway...
0:21:39 > 0:21:43She was on holiday, got confused, she told reporters...
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Does anyone know what the worst thing Mary Berry ever did
0:21:54 > 0:21:56on the show was?
0:21:58 > 0:22:02It was about letting information slip that she shouldn't have done.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Oh, she revealed that when she's at home she blacks up.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13No.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16A sort of "black Berry".
0:22:16 > 0:22:18APPLAUSE
0:22:21 > 0:22:25Well, she let a name slip. Correcting radio host Chris Evans,
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Mary listed three bakers who'd left the tent
0:22:28 > 0:22:29when viewers only knew about two.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32- Hm.- Now, winner Sophie used to be in the military.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35How did she put her skills to use in the final?
0:22:35 > 0:22:37She shot someone.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43There was a drone attack on the marquee.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46She deployed some extreme multitasking
0:22:46 > 0:22:48by whipping, mixing and gelling,
0:22:48 > 0:22:50all at the same time, while bellowing...
0:22:56 > 0:23:00The MoD has since ordered 50,000 cans of squirty cream
0:23:00 > 0:23:03and a new Magimix for immediate deployment.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Finally - and this is a slight parallel shift -
0:23:06 > 0:23:11what whoopsie did Amanda Holden make on ITV's This Morning?
0:23:11 > 0:23:14- Oh, she was interviewing Tim Peake, the astronaut.- That's right, yeah.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18And she asked him whether he'd brought back any moon rock.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20From the moon. And he had to say,
0:23:20 > 0:23:22"I'm terribly sorry, I didn't go to the moon.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26"And nor did anyone else since 1972."
0:23:26 > 0:23:30- Shall we have a little look at it? Cos we've got a clip.- Absolutely.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33I don't know whether you'd be allowed to answer it, really,
0:23:33 > 0:23:36cos it might be a naughty thing. When you went to the moon,
0:23:36 > 0:23:38did you take a piece of the moon and bring it back home with you?
0:23:38 > 0:23:41So, I wasn't on the moon. I was in the Space Station.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:23:43 > 0:23:47Is that how he dresses the whole time?
0:23:47 > 0:23:49That's how he got the job.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51It is amazing Amanda Holden didn't know
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Tim Peake spent time on the Space Station,
0:23:53 > 0:23:57as he never stops bloody banging on about it.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Anyway, this is Prue Leith accidentally revealing
0:24:00 > 0:24:03the winner of Bake Off. The mistake didn't go down well
0:24:03 > 0:24:05with some viewers. On Twitter, one fan blasted...
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Of course not, Mary can't work an iPhone.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16According to the Times' TV reviewer,
0:24:16 > 0:24:20the final challenges were very tough.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Obviously he's better with Pi.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Quite right.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40BELL
0:24:40 > 0:24:43- This is Thought For The Day. - That's right. It is.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47And John Humphrys said that he, on Radio 4's Today programme,
0:24:47 > 0:24:50that he found Thought For The Day was very boring.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53You should try listening to him in the run-up.
0:24:53 > 0:24:58I mean, by 7:45 you're desperate for anything but Humphrys.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01I'll have anyone. The Chief Sikh.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Chief Rabbi, he's always good.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06That nice Anglican woman. Anybody!
0:25:06 > 0:25:09- The bishops are a bit wet, though, aren't they?- Oh...
0:25:09 > 0:25:11For you. I rather like them.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Anyway, so, no...
0:25:13 > 0:25:16- Not enough arm-lifters for me. - An arm-lifter?
0:25:16 > 0:25:19- Well, yeah, getting the sign, all that.- That sort of thing.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:26 > 0:25:27The cross.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Humphrys, he gets very bored during all the bits in
0:25:32 > 0:25:36the Today programme, essentially, where somebody else is talking.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Well, that's right. He said Thought For The Day, as you said, was...
0:25:43 > 0:25:45And that he resented cutting the show short...
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Now, Thought For The Day is not the only thing that John Humphrys
0:25:52 > 0:25:54finds boring. What else?
0:25:54 > 0:25:55Oh, dinner parties.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59- His own company.- That's right, he finds himself quite dull, saying...
0:26:02 > 0:26:04You wouldn't invite yourself to a dinner party.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06It's either your own dinner party or somebody else's.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07You can't invite yourself.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10- He'd spend the whole time saying, "I've gotta get up at 3:00."- Yeah.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Got a paper round.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Now, who else seemed to be bored by religion this week?
0:26:16 > 0:26:18- The Pope.- That's right.- What?!
0:26:18 > 0:26:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:24 > 0:26:27- It was the Pope.- Was it? - Yes. Indeed it was.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30He falls asleep during prayers.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33That's right. He's actually quoted as saying...
0:26:35 > 0:26:39Before using that age-old excuse...
0:26:42 > 0:26:46Finally, what important religious anniversary was celebrated
0:26:46 > 0:26:49- this week? - Luther.- Oh, yes. 500.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53- 500...?- The Reformation. Proper news.- Absolutely.- 500 not out.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Not stuff about cakes.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Have you got a party planned, Ian?
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Yeah, Luther Night round my place,
0:27:00 > 0:27:02bring a hammer and nails!
0:27:05 > 0:27:09That's right, Tuesday marked the 500th anniversary of Martin Luther
0:27:09 > 0:27:15nailing his 95 Theses to the door of All Saints' Church in Wittenberg.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19For a point each, will you name those Theses?
0:27:19 > 0:27:21- No.- No.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23What is the significance of this?
0:27:23 > 0:27:26It was the start of the Protestant church.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29It was essentially him saying, "These are the following ways
0:27:29 > 0:27:32"that the Catholic church needs to reform itself."
0:27:32 > 0:27:36Stuff about indulgences, about priests, about corruption.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38He was trying to...
0:27:38 > 0:27:40- Well, he certainly knocked that on the head, didn't he?- Yeah.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43- Yeah. - LAUGHER
0:27:43 > 0:27:46It was a sort of prototype for Brexit.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Getting away from the centralised Roman control.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53- OK, the parallel's not exact. - No, but...- Or indeed near.
0:27:53 > 0:27:58- It was, actually, it was quite near. - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:58 > 0:28:00This is the news that John Humphrys thinks that
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Thought For The Day is deeply, deeply boring.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05Humphrys said that when so many people are not religious
0:28:05 > 0:28:08it's inappropriate that Radio 4 should broadcast...
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Well, I'm not the captain of a trawler, but I've got to sit through
0:28:14 > 0:28:18the stupid Shipping Forecast twice a day.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22APPLAUSE
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Time now for the odd one out round.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Paul and Miles, your four are
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Michelangelo's statue of David,
0:28:30 > 0:28:31Dick Van Dyke,
0:28:31 > 0:28:33the Queen's Corgis
0:28:33 > 0:28:36and a special new Japanese fork.
0:28:36 > 0:28:41In Japan someone's created a special fork that means you can now
0:28:41 > 0:28:44eat noodles silently. I mean, I've not been there,
0:28:44 > 0:28:47- but apparently there was a big slurping issue.- Yeah.
0:28:47 > 0:28:51This statue, they've added a rude noise in an exhibition.
0:28:51 > 0:28:55This is somewhere in... Is this the V&A? Is it this week?
0:28:55 > 0:28:57- That's correct. - Which bit does it come out of?
0:28:57 > 0:29:00I think, as you walk past it,
0:29:00 > 0:29:02in the exhibition,
0:29:02 > 0:29:07- it...- Does what? - I think it farts.
0:29:07 > 0:29:10- I reckon it's a lot of people just blaming the statue.- Yes.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13"Oh, that statue!"
0:29:13 > 0:29:17It's, um... It's The Beano.
0:29:17 > 0:29:18That's right. Yeah.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21It's an exhibition of The Beano or something like that.
0:29:21 > 0:29:22Have they all been silent
0:29:22 > 0:29:25- except the statue which has been given a noise?- No.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27Any idea what the odd one out is?
0:29:27 > 0:29:30Dick Van Dyke's the odd one out because his accent was wrong
0:29:30 > 0:29:31- but it wasn't changed.- No.- Ah.
0:29:31 > 0:29:34- We like Dick Van Dyke, don't we? - Yes, we do like Dick Van Dyke.
0:29:34 > 0:29:37We have very fond memories of him. I certainly do.
0:29:37 > 0:29:41I thought that was a Cockney accent cos I'd never heard one before.
0:29:41 > 0:29:43Is it not?
0:29:43 > 0:29:46He said he was taught by an Irish dialect coach at the time.
0:29:46 > 0:29:50And he said, "Lots of the Brits on the film didn't tell me that I was saying a bad accent."
0:29:50 > 0:29:53I think he's a little embarrassed about it, but it's charming.
0:29:53 > 0:29:56- He blamed Julie Andrews. Said it was all her fault.- Oh, really?
0:29:56 > 0:30:00He was the one talking, so I think he has to take some responsibility.
0:30:00 > 0:30:01PHONE RINGS Is someone's phone going off?
0:30:01 > 0:30:03Yeah, it's me. It's this list.
0:30:03 > 0:30:04AUDIENCE GROANS
0:30:04 > 0:30:06- Sorry.- It's no problem.
0:30:11 > 0:30:15- You want me to turn it off for you again, Ian?- Um...
0:30:15 > 0:30:16SCATTERED APPLAUSE
0:30:16 > 0:30:18Thank you.
0:30:18 > 0:30:20It's new, you know.
0:30:20 > 0:30:23I had one of the ones in the hallway, where you...
0:30:30 > 0:30:33Now... Yeah, I'm terrible, actually, I just have to say.
0:30:33 > 0:30:35I am really bad at texting
0:30:35 > 0:30:37and predictive texting and all that sort of thing.
0:30:37 > 0:30:39It's quite dangerous, isn't it, predictive texting?
0:30:39 > 0:30:42So I've decided to take control, and my hobby at the moment
0:30:42 > 0:30:47is winding up teenagers with abbreviations I've made up myself.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49Which actually is really good fun. Try it, it really is.
0:30:49 > 0:30:53I texted my friend's son the other day, he's 18, and said,
0:30:53 > 0:30:56"I'll see you tonight, Max. CRB."
0:30:56 > 0:30:58And he texted me back, "What's CRB mean?"
0:30:58 > 0:31:00"Cystitis really bad" And, um...
0:31:03 > 0:31:06Try it. It's really good fun.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10So...
0:31:10 > 0:31:13That's a brilliant game. I'm going to put LTD now.
0:31:14 > 0:31:16- "Load the dishwasher."- Hey!
0:31:19 > 0:31:22- Tell us.- Yes.- OK, shall I tell you? - Yeah, tell us.- All right, then.
0:31:22 > 0:31:26It's the fork because they've all been criticised for how they sound,
0:31:26 > 0:31:29apart from a new Japanese fork which can drown out
0:31:29 > 0:31:33- the unpleasant sound of noodle slurping. There we are.- Yeah.
0:31:33 > 0:31:36You can get one for just 100 quid - bargain!
0:31:36 > 0:31:39It picks up the sound of noisy eating, causing a slurp alert.
0:31:39 > 0:31:41Let's just have a look, shall we?
0:31:43 > 0:31:44SHE SLURPS
0:31:44 > 0:31:46APP PLAYS AN ALERT
0:31:53 > 0:31:55W-W-Why... Why has this been invented?
0:31:57 > 0:32:01It's thought in Japan that the extra air makes the food more flavoursome.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03Ah, yes.
0:32:03 > 0:32:04But there are concerns that the noise
0:32:04 > 0:32:07is making tourists feel uncomfortable.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09It's a phenomenon called...
0:32:10 > 0:32:11..which is short for...
0:32:14 > 0:32:16They've all been criticised for how they sound,
0:32:16 > 0:32:18apart from Japanese fork the Noise Boy,
0:32:18 > 0:32:21which cancels out slurping noises when people eat.
0:32:21 > 0:32:24This year sees the Victoria & Albert Museum
0:32:24 > 0:32:26celebrating 80 years of the Beano.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29Plans for Michelangelo's David to make a farting noise
0:32:29 > 0:32:31were designed to...
0:32:33 > 0:32:36I can assure you, no children will be laughing at the farting noise.
0:32:36 > 0:32:38They will be far too busy laughing
0:32:38 > 0:32:40at David's tiny little cock and balls.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44Well, marble is a cold material.
0:32:46 > 0:32:47Let's face it.
0:32:47 > 0:32:50Ian and Quentin, here are yours.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52Ernest Hemingway,
0:32:52 > 0:32:53Donald Trump,
0:32:53 > 0:32:56Admiral of the Fleet John Arbuthnot Fisher,
0:32:56 > 0:32:59and a drunk Australian with a camera.
0:32:59 > 0:33:00Something to do with fake news,
0:33:00 > 0:33:03because Trump has come out this week and said something about...
0:33:03 > 0:33:06Oh, no, the dictionary has come out this week about fake news.
0:33:06 > 0:33:09- Yes.- Is this "fake news" is a word of the year,
0:33:09 > 0:33:11"selfie" was a word of the year, John Fisher's...
0:33:11 > 0:33:14He invented the term "Buggins' turn".
0:33:14 > 0:33:15- He...- He did.
0:33:15 > 0:33:17Is that a sexual practice?
0:33:17 > 0:33:21No, you're right on the new words, so...
0:33:21 > 0:33:23Hemingway invented "selfie" as a word.
0:33:23 > 0:33:29- No.- No.- But there is someone who invented "selfie" as a word there.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31I used to be wearing a cravat. What happened to it?
0:33:31 > 0:33:33It's round the back there.
0:33:33 > 0:33:34- Is it?- It's come undone.
0:33:34 > 0:33:36- What's happened?- My cravat's gone.
0:33:38 > 0:33:39I can see the back of it there.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41Yeah, I know, but how did it get round there?
0:33:41 > 0:33:43I don't know. It's just...
0:33:43 > 0:33:46I swear it was unconscious when I put it on.
0:33:46 > 0:33:48It's undone itself.
0:33:48 > 0:33:50It's only the second time I've ever worn one.
0:33:50 > 0:33:51I didn't know they had a mind of their own.
0:33:51 > 0:33:53Oh, I can see a bit of it down there as well.
0:33:53 > 0:33:56I can see it. It's down in the shirt bit, it's down in the shirt.
0:33:56 > 0:33:58Oh, look, there it is, look.
0:33:59 > 0:34:03- Hey.- Look like Lord Lucan coming back from a casino.
0:34:03 > 0:34:04Hello!
0:34:08 > 0:34:10I'll give you a really massive clue.
0:34:10 > 0:34:14- OK.- But not quite... They've all coined new words, except...
0:34:14 > 0:34:16- Yeah, we said that. - Well, who's the odd one out?
0:34:16 > 0:34:19Except Donald Trump. Donald Trump's the odd one out.
0:34:19 > 0:34:20Yes, he is.
0:34:20 > 0:34:22- Why?- Because he hasn't coined any new words.
0:34:25 > 0:34:29They've all coined new words except Donald Trump, who claimed he...
0:34:29 > 0:34:30Had invented a new word.
0:34:30 > 0:34:32He invented the word "fake", according to him.
0:34:32 > 0:34:35- That's right.- I mean, this question is rubbish.- Yes.
0:34:37 > 0:34:39I don't write the questions.
0:34:39 > 0:34:40He claimed he invented...
0:34:40 > 0:34:43- I don't want to be rude, I'm just saying.- Oh, be rude.
0:34:43 > 0:34:45He claimed he invented the word "fake",
0:34:45 > 0:34:50despite its first appearance in 1775.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52That's when he married his first wife.
0:34:53 > 0:34:56- So, let's hear from the man himself. - Yeah.
0:34:56 > 0:34:58The media is...
0:34:58 > 0:35:00really the word, I think one of the greatest
0:35:00 > 0:35:03of all terms I've come up with is "fake".
0:35:03 > 0:35:05I guess other people have used it perhaps over the years,
0:35:05 > 0:35:07but I've never noticed it.
0:35:11 > 0:35:13Did his barber never mention it to him?
0:35:19 > 0:35:21- Or his wife?- Yes.
0:35:25 > 0:35:29So, do you know, how were horses involved in the creation of fakery?
0:35:29 > 0:35:31Trojan horse. No.
0:35:31 > 0:35:33No, that's a very good guess.
0:35:33 > 0:35:37- It is, isn't it?- No, according to language website Haggard Hawks,
0:35:37 > 0:35:42"fake" might have come via the 19th century slang word "to feague",
0:35:42 > 0:35:44meaning in the equine business...
0:35:49 > 0:35:53Is that the eel or the horse that's more sprightly?
0:35:53 > 0:35:56Apparently, they have to put one up Eamonn Holmes every morning
0:35:56 > 0:36:00- to make him appear more sprightly. - Well, he does have to get up early.
0:36:00 > 0:36:02Yes, exactly. I'm going to try it.
0:36:02 > 0:36:04Do you know him that well?
0:36:07 > 0:36:08Well...
0:36:09 > 0:36:12The term "selfie" was first used by a drunk Australian.
0:36:12 > 0:36:16What did we learn this week about millennials and selfies?
0:36:16 > 0:36:17They like them.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20- They hate them.- They do.- They're indifferent to them.- They spend...
0:36:24 > 0:36:27Over 65s actually spend the same time, but that's per picture.
0:36:31 > 0:36:34They can never work out which button takes a photo.
0:36:34 > 0:36:37Anyway, what surprisingly modern term
0:36:37 > 0:36:39did Admiral of the Fleet John Fisher
0:36:39 > 0:36:43coin in a letter to Churchill, back in 1917?
0:36:43 > 0:36:44I think I know this.
0:36:44 > 0:36:47- OMG.- It was indeed, well done, Quentin.
0:36:47 > 0:36:49Do you know what made Lord Fisher say that?
0:36:49 > 0:36:50- MILES:- Was it an eel?
0:36:54 > 0:36:58He was actually making a pun about a new title which he had heard
0:36:58 > 0:37:02was to be created, called the Order of St Michael and St George.
0:37:02 > 0:37:05He alluded to it in his letter to Churchill like this...
0:37:09 > 0:37:11Which I think we can all agree
0:37:11 > 0:37:13is roflcopter megalolz.
0:37:13 > 0:37:15Um...
0:37:16 > 0:37:21Churchill was less amused when Fisher described his wife as a milf.
0:37:26 > 0:37:29Ernest Hemingway, who coined the term shit-faced,
0:37:29 > 0:37:31was famous for his bad language and obscenity,
0:37:31 > 0:37:34which explains the original title of his book,
0:37:34 > 0:37:36The Old Man And The C Word.
0:37:37 > 0:37:40Time now for the missing words round,
0:37:40 > 0:37:43which this week features as its guest publication...
0:37:47 > 0:37:49And we start with...
0:37:54 > 0:37:56Conservative minister.
0:37:58 > 0:38:01APPLAUSE
0:38:03 > 0:38:04Apparently, it's...
0:38:07 > 0:38:11Take it from me, everyone on these dating websites is lying,
0:38:11 > 0:38:14or my name's not Astrid Svensson, 22, Swedish gymnast.
0:38:17 > 0:38:18Next...
0:38:23 > 0:38:26Auditioned for Strictly Come Dancing.
0:38:26 > 0:38:27Was a Nazi.
0:38:30 > 0:38:31Taught a weekly Zumba class.
0:38:31 > 0:38:33Yes!
0:38:40 > 0:38:42As seen here.
0:38:42 > 0:38:43I don't know which one he is.
0:38:46 > 0:38:47Next...
0:38:50 > 0:38:52Is it Michael Gove?
0:38:54 > 0:38:56- MILES:- Is it the tide?
0:38:56 > 0:38:58Yes, got to be.
0:39:00 > 0:39:01Some very late Germans.
0:39:09 > 0:39:13Residents in Wales were mystified by dozens of octopuses
0:39:13 > 0:39:14appearing on a Newquay beach.
0:39:14 > 0:39:18This would be a perfect story for Fingerprint Whorld -
0:39:18 > 0:39:21they've got eight arms and they provide their own ink.
0:39:21 > 0:39:22Yeah.
0:39:22 > 0:39:23Next...
0:39:34 > 0:39:38You can't get to the end of it without falling asleep, can you?
0:39:38 > 0:39:39It's quite a long sentence, isn't it?
0:39:39 > 0:39:42- Shall I put you out of your misery? - Yeah, put us out of our misery.
0:39:42 > 0:39:43It's such a long... Yeah.
0:39:46 > 0:39:47AUDIENCE GROANS
0:39:48 > 0:39:51It's bad enough having your prints taken,
0:39:51 > 0:39:53but it's even worse trying to get the ink off afterwards.
0:39:57 > 0:39:58Finally...
0:40:01 > 0:40:02Becomes Defence Secretary.
0:40:03 > 0:40:05APPLAUSE
0:40:07 > 0:40:09- Urgently sought.- Yeah.
0:40:17 > 0:40:20That's a kick in the teeth for David Attenborough, isn't it?
0:40:23 > 0:40:24After all that work he puts in.
0:40:26 > 0:40:30So, the final scores are Ian and Quentin have five,
0:40:30 > 0:40:33but Paul and Miles are the winners, with six.
0:40:33 > 0:40:35Unbelievable.
0:40:35 > 0:40:37Well done, sir.
0:40:38 > 0:40:43But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:40:43 > 0:40:46- MILES:- I still can't find Keith, but I've left him another note.
0:40:47 > 0:40:49APPLAUSE
0:40:51 > 0:40:56And I leave you with news that, in the basement of Labour Party HQ,
0:40:56 > 0:40:58the BBC's Laura Kuenssberg
0:40:58 > 0:41:01recovers from the knockout drops to be met with a worrying sight.
0:41:09 > 0:41:12The morning after the Great British Bake Off Final party,
0:41:12 > 0:41:15Prue Leith recovers at the hairdresser's.
0:41:18 > 0:41:21And after a frantic week of searching,
0:41:21 > 0:41:24the Gove family at last find their pet hedgehog.
0:41:26 > 0:41:27Goodnight.