0:00:06 > 0:00:13This programme contains some strong language
0:00:23 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41I'm Victoria Coren Mitchell.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43In the news this week, as Lewis Hamilton's private jet
0:00:43 > 0:00:44stops to refuel at Heathrow,
0:00:44 > 0:00:47a government tax inspector is there to greet him.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55With some members of the Cabinet having a tough week,
0:00:55 > 0:00:57the Minister for Health and Safety
0:00:57 > 0:00:59takes the opportunity to relax away from the spotlight.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10And, in the Midlands, James Dyson's less successful brothers
0:01:10 > 0:01:12try to get in on the act.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who's writing a book
0:01:21 > 0:01:23called Sex Power Money,
0:01:23 > 0:01:24although there may be a copyright battle
0:01:24 > 0:01:27as that's also the new title of Hansard.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Please welcome Sara Pascoe.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:36 > 0:01:39And with Paul tonight is a veteran cricket commentator
0:01:39 > 0:01:41whose live show, An Evening With Blowers,
0:01:41 > 0:01:44has been recorded on DVD and CD...
0:01:44 > 0:01:45..VHS, audio cassette,
0:01:45 > 0:01:48vinyl, wax cylinder and parchment.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Please welcome Henry Blofeld.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:56 > 0:01:58And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:01:58 > 0:01:59Ian and Sara, take a look at this.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03That's "Priti" useless.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06- Out she comes. - That's where she was on holiday.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08- Yes, that's the Dead Sea. - That's the aeroplane.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11That's the most famous aeroplane in history.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13That's the meeting where he said,
0:02:13 > 0:02:15"I met a friend of yours last week - Priti."
0:02:15 > 0:02:18There we are, off he goes. "Nothing to do with me."
0:02:18 > 0:02:21There were two cabinet ministers lost this week.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23It may be more by the time you see this.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26So, the Cabinet could be down to just Mrs May...
0:02:28 > 0:02:30..asking herself to resign.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Looking in a mirror, going, "I don't think you can handle this.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36"I just don't believe in you!"
0:02:36 > 0:02:38It's been a terrible week for the Government.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42They lost Michael Fallon over the sexual assault allegations.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44And now they've lost Priti Patel
0:02:44 > 0:02:46for having a holiday in Israel and not telling anyone
0:02:46 > 0:02:48what she was doing on holiday.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50She had very important meetings.
0:02:50 > 0:02:51How many meetings?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53- 12.- 12 meetings.
0:02:53 > 0:02:54How long was she there for?
0:02:54 > 0:02:55She was there for 13 days.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57So, she had one day off.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59That's like Craig David!
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Yes, she wasn't just having meetings with anyone,
0:03:04 > 0:03:07she met the Prime Minister of Israel and didn't mention it.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09He's a big deal over there.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Yeah, I know!
0:03:11 > 0:03:15She got called in to say, "What was all this about?"
0:03:15 > 0:03:17She apologised, she was forgiven,
0:03:17 > 0:03:21and then it transpired that she'd met EVEN MORE Israeli officials.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25So, she was called back from Africa and everybody watched the flight.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27That's the thing that's icky about it.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Obviously, she's done very underhand things,
0:03:30 > 0:03:33and perhaps even more underhand than we understand yet,
0:03:33 > 0:03:35but the thing about someone being on a plane
0:03:35 > 0:03:38not knowing how much trouble they're in...
0:03:38 > 0:03:40..like, it's FUN!
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Do you think Theresa May was watching it on that little map?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Definitely.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47"Another eight hours, and I'll sack you!"
0:03:47 > 0:03:50- Do you ever have secret meetings when you go on holiday?- Yeah.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55You must have met Middle Eastern potentates, Henry?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58- You've met everyone.- Um, well, I suppose I've met one or two.
0:03:58 > 0:04:03I used to go to Sharjah to watch cricket,
0:04:03 > 0:04:06and there was a chap there I thought was the Lord High Executioner
0:04:06 > 0:04:08called Abdul Rahman Bukhatir.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12And they go around, and the amazing pomp and ceremony,
0:04:12 > 0:04:13the cars and everything.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15It really makes one mildly ill.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Or mildly jealous. Actually, I've never wished to own Rolls-Royces,
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- have you?- Yes.- You have?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Well, that's fair enough.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26In my dreams, you've got one.
0:04:26 > 0:04:31I've got one? No, no. I drove to India in a Rolls-Royce, five of us,
0:04:31 > 0:04:33a 1921 Silver Ghost.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35It took us 46 days and nights.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38It was the most exciting adventure of my life.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40The only boring thing was, no-one shot at us.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42That would have made it much more exciting.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45You may be the only person in the world who has weirder holidays
0:04:45 > 0:04:46than Priti Patel!
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Yes...
0:04:50 > 0:04:52APPLAUSE
0:04:54 > 0:04:55One of the great things was,
0:04:55 > 0:04:58we were sponsored by the people who made Long John Scotch Whisky,
0:04:58 > 0:05:01who paid us in kind as well as cash.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05They're defunct now, so I'm not really advertising, but...
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Was it the cost of this trip that pushed them over the edge?
0:05:09 > 0:05:11That was the question it begged.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Probably!
0:05:13 > 0:05:17Let's get back to this... this controversy.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20When the story broke that the Foreign Office hadn't
0:05:20 > 0:05:23known about Priti Patel's secret meetings, what did she say?
0:05:23 > 0:05:28- She said they did know. She said she'd told Boris.- Uh-oh.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Well, that's right. She initially said...
0:05:38 > 0:05:40And how did she then modify this statement?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42The Foreign Office didn't know.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44She issued a clarification that stated,
0:05:44 > 0:05:47when she said Boris knew about the visit...
0:05:57 > 0:06:00- And what else did she have to clarify?- The next lot of meetings?
0:06:13 > 0:06:16- As long as she's clear. - After she came back,
0:06:16 > 0:06:19it turned out they were MORE meetings in Westminster.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21She's met everybody in Israel.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26The entire population have had tea with Priti Patel.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28She also suggested that some of Britain's aid budget
0:06:28 > 0:06:32goes to the Israeli army in the disputed Golan Heights.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36Yes, it is UK policy that the Golan Heights is occupied territory
0:06:36 > 0:06:39and British officials are not meant to go there,
0:06:39 > 0:06:43but that doesn't apply to Priti Patel...because she voted Leave.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47And if you're in the Cabinet and you're a Leaver,
0:06:47 > 0:06:50normal rules don't apply, you can do whatever you like.
0:06:50 > 0:06:51That is policy.
0:06:53 > 0:06:54Now, what do we know about Priti Patel?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Because sometimes people resign before people have got
0:06:57 > 0:06:58the chance to get to know who they are.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- I know she's pro the death penalty. - She WAS pro the death penalty.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Did you have an argument with her, Ian, about that?
0:07:03 > 0:07:06I think I probably did, yes.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10You convinced her otherwise? The value of human life
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- and rehabilitation. Ian? - Did she change her mind?
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Apparently she's no longer a supporter of the death penalty.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Oh, I've done something useful in my life.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20That's disillusioning, isn't it?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23She also campaigned against the smoking ban and equal marriage.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26She called British workers among the laziest in the world
0:07:26 > 0:07:27and she's been described as a...
0:07:29 > 0:07:31I guess you think everyone's lazy
0:07:31 > 0:07:33if you take 13 meetings on a family holiday.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Who's replaced Priti Patel? Do we know that?
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- Penny.- Penny Mordaunt is the replacement.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- What do we know about her? - She's been on Splash!
0:07:43 > 0:07:44Did you watch her on Splash?
0:07:44 > 0:07:46No, I don't, no.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49- Would you like to have a look at it now?- No, thank you.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52I want to see it. I've heard she does a really big belly flop
0:07:52 > 0:07:55- and it really hurt her. - Well, funnily enough...
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Let's have a look.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03AUDIENCE: Oh!
0:08:03 > 0:08:05LAUGHTER
0:08:07 > 0:08:08Oh!
0:08:08 > 0:08:10LAUGHTER CONTINUES
0:08:11 > 0:08:13I mean, as metaphors go...
0:08:16 > 0:08:21Is this channel freely available, or is it subscribers only?
0:08:21 > 0:08:24- ITV, Ian.- ITV!
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Don't let it bother you.
0:08:27 > 0:08:33Now, Priti Patel's exit, or Prexit, has caused quite a distraction.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Why might Boris Johnson be pleased about that?
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Because in the exact mirror image of this,
0:08:39 > 0:08:42there's a British citizen who's in prison in Iran.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Yeah, and he said, in the Commons,
0:08:46 > 0:08:48that she'd just been training journalists,
0:08:48 > 0:08:50which is exactly what they've accused her of,
0:08:50 > 0:08:52what she's innocent of,
0:08:52 > 0:08:54and now our Foreign Secretary has said she has,
0:08:54 > 0:08:56and then she got taken back to court
0:08:56 > 0:08:58and given another five years on her sentence.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01The one thing you're meant to feel as a British citizen
0:09:01 > 0:09:04going around the world is that if you get into trouble,
0:09:04 > 0:09:06the Foreign Office will be backing you and be on your side
0:09:06 > 0:09:08and it won't put up some idiot
0:09:08 > 0:09:12who reinforces your sentence by another five years.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15And he's had to face the woman's husband,
0:09:15 > 0:09:18which is the only shaft of humour.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Not the first irate husband Boris has presumably...faced...
0:09:22 > 0:09:24who's unbelievably cross about it,
0:09:24 > 0:09:26and, you know, as you would be.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- And I'm sure the Foreign Office are cross.- Boris Johnson said...
0:09:39 > 0:09:43And have his fellow Conservatives been quick to rally round
0:09:43 > 0:09:44- and defend him?- No, oddly!
0:09:44 > 0:09:47They've all said, "It's a disgrace."
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Well, it is a disgrace that someone can actually say this.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52It just... The mind boggles.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53- SARA:- Yeah.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Not only does the mind boggle, it makes one angry, really.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59And people who say, "I'm sorry if..."
0:09:59 > 0:10:02That's not sorry. "You're sorry THAT..."
0:10:02 > 0:10:04For someone who's meant to be a great linguist...
0:10:07 > 0:10:09..Boris speaks a number of languages.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16So, is this the end of the Government? Priti Patel's gone,
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Michael Fallon's gone, Boris might go, Damian Green might go.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Damian Green might go! Look at all that talent being lost!
0:10:24 > 0:10:26I'm pretty terrified, aren't you?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29I can't imagine what we'll do without Boris,
0:10:29 > 0:10:30Priti Patel and Damian Green!
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Oh, I can't sleep at night.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36I mean, there's a big barrel out there.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38She can scrape the bottom of it again.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44Damian Green, as far as we know, his issue is less serious.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47The allegation is he's got porn on his computer.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50According to an ex-copper with a grievance.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52I mean, take it or leave it.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Henry, we've all got porn on our computer, haven't we?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Well, I'm frightfully dull, but I never have.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58I've always thought...
0:10:58 > 0:11:01There was a time in my life when I thought it would be rather fun,
0:11:01 > 0:11:03but I never discovered how to do it.
0:11:12 > 0:11:18And without any help from my computer, perhaps I still don't.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20There's so much talk about porn on the internet.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23What kind of person has NEVER looked?
0:11:23 > 0:11:25I've caught Ian Hislop's eye...
0:11:27 > 0:11:29It's enough that he stars in them.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33It's like a busman's holiday.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35There's a brilliant statistic here.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37How many times did someone in Parliament
0:11:37 > 0:11:39try to look at porn in 2013?
0:11:39 > 0:11:42- 28,000.- Five million.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Clearly higher.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48It's 354,902 times!
0:11:48 > 0:11:52Although last year, that dropped to 113,000.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55But I suppose Boris Johnson was travelling more, wasn't he...
0:11:57 > 0:11:58..with the new job?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02I don't think he's a watcher, he's a doer.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05AUDIENCE GROANS
0:12:05 > 0:12:07You've made everyone feel poorly!
0:12:07 > 0:12:10There's a bit of professional jealousy coming out there!
0:12:11 > 0:12:14I'm sure he isn't, I'm sure he isn't. I should perhaps clarify.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19But for reasons of balance, I'm sure he is.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22There was, finally, there was
0:12:22 > 0:12:25some good news for Theresa May this week. What was it?
0:12:25 > 0:12:31- She's still alive. Madame Tussaud's. - Her waxwork has been finished.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33They got the waxwork in just in time.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- Well, they had to melt down the old Gordon Brown.- Did they?
0:12:37 > 0:12:39No, I just made that up.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- There it is.- That's pretty good.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45- That's pretty good.- I mean, it really could be her, couldn't it?
0:12:45 > 0:12:47She looks very happy there as well.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49I mean, they are quite expert at this, they do
0:12:49 > 0:12:51tend to take photographs of people,
0:12:51 > 0:12:54all around the back of their heads and stuff, you know?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Don't you have to lie there with the straws in your nostrils?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00I thought you had to lie down and have all the plaster on you
0:13:00 > 0:13:03and that's why she was enjoying it.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05"This is much better than running the country."
0:13:05 > 0:13:09This is the collapse of Theresa May's cabinet due to sex,
0:13:09 > 0:13:10corruption and incompetence.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Priti Patel apologised for secretly meeting
0:13:12 > 0:13:15with the Israeli Prime Minister, admitting that, initially,
0:13:15 > 0:13:17she and Benjamin "met on Yahoo."
0:13:24 > 0:13:27According to the Daily Mail, one of Priti Patel's secret meetings
0:13:27 > 0:13:29was with the Israeli security minister,
0:13:29 > 0:13:31who's already said how sorry he is
0:13:31 > 0:13:33to hear about her car accident next week.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Meanwhile, Boris Johnson has been accused
0:13:39 > 0:13:41of accidentally extending the prison sentence
0:13:41 > 0:13:43of a British citizen in Iran.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45According to the Guardian...
0:13:47 > 0:13:50There's an Iranian Boris Johnson?!
0:13:50 > 0:13:53He must have had everything chopped off by now.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Paul and Henry, take a look at this.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Yes. The beautiful Bahamas,
0:14:00 > 0:14:02where you can spend a lot of time with your money.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04- There is the money. - There is the money.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08A self-effacing rock star who pays too much tax, according to him.
0:14:08 > 0:14:09There's Lewis Hamilton.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12The Queen's counting her ingots, I think.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Yes, I can't remember which one's the good one.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16It's either avoidance or evasion.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18It's a very subtle difference, isn't it?
0:14:18 > 0:14:21You'll get sued if you say the wrong one.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23- Ah, right.- So, go on.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30I'll mention your name as I'm passing through the legal system.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34So, yeah, it's about people who already have huge amounts of money
0:14:34 > 0:14:38who want to keep hold of their huge amounts of money by paying
0:14:38 > 0:14:41as little tax as possible by possibly evading, possibly avoiding,
0:14:41 > 0:14:47whichever one is the acceptable way of saying...stealing from us.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51It gets very odd when you're talking about millions and billions,
0:14:51 > 0:14:54in the case of Lewis Hamilton, who is extremely wealthy.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58- Isn't he meant to be the richest sportsman of all, now?- I suppose so.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02He doesn't have to be particularly fit to do what he does.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05He sits in the car and points it in that direction.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09He's like an Uber driver who goes a bit quicker, that's all.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Yes, it's the leak of files from a law firm showing the tax,
0:15:20 > 0:15:23- let's say "avoidance"...- Avoidance! - ..practices of the rich and famous,
0:15:23 > 0:15:26referred to as the Paradise Papers.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28You mentioned Lewis Hamilton, Paul.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31What did he buy?
0:15:31 > 0:15:34- A private jet.- And how much did that cost?- 16.5 million.
0:15:34 > 0:15:3716.5 million. That's not bad for a private jet.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41But how did he manage to get over three million back in VAT?
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- How indeed? Do you know how? - Through a shell company.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Yes, he bought the plane
0:15:46 > 0:15:48and then lent it to himself.
0:15:48 > 0:15:49- SARA:- Oh...
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- That can't be right, can it? - Well, right is the word, Henry.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54It is legal, and most of the operations
0:15:54 > 0:15:58that were revealed in this are legal, but they are an attempt
0:15:58 > 0:16:00to deprive other taxpayers of the income
0:16:00 > 0:16:02that you should be paying to the general pot.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Other famous individuals were named,
0:16:04 > 0:16:07not just Lewis Hamilton. What's Bono done?
0:16:07 > 0:16:08He bought a shopping centre?
0:16:08 > 0:16:11He bought a shopping centre in beautiful Lithuania.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- Here it is. - Via a holding company in Malta.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17- I've actually been there. - What? To that shopping centre?
0:16:17 > 0:16:18Yes, I spent ages trying to shop,
0:16:18 > 0:16:21but I still couldn't find what I was looking for.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28The way that photograph is framed is unusual,
0:16:28 > 0:16:30because you can't see "The Edge," do you see?
0:16:32 > 0:16:34I should mention that Bono says
0:16:34 > 0:16:37he didn't know he'd bought the shopping centre.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41A company bought it without his knowledge.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Imagine having so much money you could buy a shopping centre
0:16:44 > 0:16:45without knowing you'd done it?
0:16:45 > 0:16:48How many shopping centres have you bought, Paul?
0:16:48 > 0:16:52- Well, you lose count after a while.- You do.- At least eight.
0:16:52 > 0:16:57- Any advance on eight?- No, no, I haven't bought any.- How boring.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02- I'm sorry.- He issued a statement.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04- What did that say? - Fuck the lot of you.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15The statement said, Bono said...
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Opening a can of worms there.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Also, with someone like Bono, because there are some people
0:17:25 > 0:17:27you think, OK, that's kind of like on brand. You go, "OK,
0:17:27 > 0:17:30"you're the kind of person who complains about paying tax,
0:17:30 > 0:17:32"you don't want to do it, you've done these legal loophole things - fine."
0:17:32 > 0:17:36But someone like Bono, it's so hypocritical, yet people still
0:17:36 > 0:17:38seem to like him and like their music.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40That's what I find so strange.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42- Well, he's preachy.- Yeah.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- Which is, you know, always the pleasure with hypocrites, isn't it? - Yeah.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Every time you click your fingers, he's doing something else dodgy.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52There was that famous remark at the concert, wasn't there?
0:17:52 > 0:17:54He says, "Every time I click my fingers, a child dies,"
0:17:54 > 0:17:56and someone shouted, "Well, don't click your fingers!"
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Lord Ashcroft was dragged into the story.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05- Do we know how?- Well, he's always dragged into all stories,
0:18:05 > 0:18:09due to his status as non-domiciled here for tax reasons.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11And it does look as though he's been making quite a lot of money...
0:18:13 > 0:18:18..in ways that are not, desperately searching for the word here,
0:18:18 > 0:18:21entirely appropriate for someone who's in the House of Lords.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25I'm not saying it's illegal or that he's extremely dodgy.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29That would be wrong on the evidence we have to date.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31And he still picks up his 300 nicker a day
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- for going to the House of Lords. - He did, yes.- Shall we have a look
0:18:34 > 0:18:36- at Lord Ashcroft being chased by a journalist?- Yes, please.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39- Oh, yes, this is very good. - Is it across open countryside?
0:18:41 > 0:18:43- Sadly not. Let's have a look.- No?
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Hi, I'm Richard Bilton, I work for Panorama, sir.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46Can I grab a quick word?
0:18:46 > 0:18:49I've been trying to send you these letters, but you wouldn't take them.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Could I have a quick word?
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Did you have tens of millions in an offshore trust
0:18:54 > 0:18:55that you secretly controlled?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Lord Ashcroft, why don't you just talk to me?
0:18:57 > 0:18:59It would be great to hear your view.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Where are we going to end up? This is great!
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Why don't you stop and answer my questions?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05It'll take one minute, sir.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Sir, where are we going? We have been walking for two minutes.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Why don't you just give me your views?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Sir, why don't you just give me your views? We could have been sponsored!
0:19:13 > 0:19:16We've done about a mile and a half. Where are we going?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18This is brilliant, I don't know where we're going to end up!
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Sir!
0:19:20 > 0:19:22I'm not going to follow you in there, sir.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25Why not?
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Let me ask you this question, Mr Blofeld.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Do you prefer a double Irish or a double Irish with a Dutch sandwich?
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Ooh, I think a double Irish with a Dutch sandwich.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39- And does anyone have any idea what that is?- No.
0:19:39 > 0:19:44- Yeah, it's...- Have you just ordered the biggest one?- It's a tax ploy.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47A lot of big companies registered in Ireland.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50I mean, Apple was one of the worst.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53You register the brand and then you say you're leasing the brand,
0:19:53 > 0:19:56so you supposedly pay the company in Ireland
0:19:56 > 0:19:57which has a lower tax rate.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Anyway, Apple have moved, they've now moved to Jersey,
0:20:01 > 0:20:05because the Irish tax authorities became less complacent.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Then again, on Panorama,
0:20:07 > 0:20:10someone very good said Apple isn't actually a hi-tech company.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13It's a very skilled tax-avoidance company
0:20:13 > 0:20:16that has a small arm that produces phones,
0:20:16 > 0:20:19which seems to me entirely right -
0:20:19 > 0:20:23I mean, all these minor individuals, Apple, honestly! Facebook!
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Look at all... They're the gross tax-avoiders.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- Vodafone.- Yeah, Vodafone, they employ almost no-one.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31- Google get away with a bit, don't they?- Absolutely.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35All of those do-no-evil young person's companies,
0:20:35 > 0:20:37you know, they're the worst.
0:20:37 > 0:20:42- Who else has been shown to have offshore links?- Labour councils.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44- Yes, I saw that.- The Labour Party.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47A lot of this stuff has been exposed by the Guardian.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- Exemplary, of course, when it comes to tax, I believe.- No, not at all.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53They have an offshore deal in their background,
0:20:53 > 0:20:56which some newspapers write about all the time.
0:20:58 > 0:20:59So...
0:20:59 > 0:21:02they're quite vulnerable on a hypocrisy charge.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Yes, the Guardian unfortunately,
0:21:05 > 0:21:07I think, own the Observer that I write for,
0:21:07 > 0:21:10nevertheless, here we go. They use...
0:21:10 > 0:21:13They use the Cayman Islands to avoid paying tax.
0:21:13 > 0:21:14According to Guido Fawkes...
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Oh, say that's not true.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Well, I don't know about the second bit,
0:21:27 > 0:21:31but they have got a very embarrassing structure involving
0:21:31 > 0:21:37a deal with a hedge fund company buying one of their media outlets.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Anyway, you could look it up.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41These are the Paradise Papers,
0:21:41 > 0:21:44highlighting the tax irregularities of the rich and famous.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Rock star Bono features in the Paradise Papers
0:21:46 > 0:21:48for hiding money in offshore accounts.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50But it's incredibly hard to trace the addresses
0:21:50 > 0:21:52of U2's offshore companies,
0:21:52 > 0:21:54because where they're located,
0:21:54 > 0:21:56the streets have no name.
0:21:56 > 0:21:57AUDIENCE GROANS
0:21:57 > 0:22:00The Paradise Papers detail the private jet arrangements
0:22:00 > 0:22:02of Grand Prix driver Lewis Hamilton,
0:22:02 > 0:22:04who is described as "the richest person in British sport."
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Well, apart from the child who supplies urine
0:22:06 > 0:22:09for sampling tests to the British cycling team.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:22:11 > 0:22:14It's not a real child!
0:22:14 > 0:22:17And, so, to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Oh, yes! Very pleased to see this come up.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25Sheep can recognise human faces.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27They put some faces in front of sheep and they said,
0:22:27 > 0:22:30"Do you know which one's Fiona Bruce?" And the sheep went,
0:22:30 > 0:22:32"Yeah, that one there." And so...
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Neuroscientists train some Welsh mountain sheep...
0:22:34 > 0:22:37There's a gentleman up there that's lit, right in the top,
0:22:37 > 0:22:39I keep expecting him to make a speech. Do you see there?
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- Right in the corner. Hello! - Yes, it's true. Hello!
0:22:45 > 0:22:47That's how I started, sitting up there.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53He's been catching my eye for the last few minutes.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56So, yes, sheep recognising human faces.
0:22:56 > 0:23:01Yes, sheep have been trained to be rewarded with food
0:23:01 > 0:23:02if they recognise a celebrity.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Shall we have a look at a sheep spotting Barack Obama?
0:23:05 > 0:23:07- Yes, please, yeah.- Here we are.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11There we are, Barack Obama.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14How did the scientists try to make it more difficult for the sheep?
0:23:14 > 0:23:15By blindfolding it.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Sometimes they put two pictures. Shall we have a look at a sheep
0:23:21 > 0:23:24trying to tell the difference between Barack Obama
0:23:24 > 0:23:26- and a non-celebrity? - OK.- Let's have a look.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30- SARA:- Oh, my God!
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Are they trying out a new voting system
0:23:34 > 0:23:36that we should be worried about?
0:23:36 > 0:23:40Well, according to chief sheep expert Dr Jenny Morton...
0:23:46 > 0:23:48They used to be really intelligent, apparently.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49We bred them to be stupider
0:23:49 > 0:23:52because it was easy to keep them domesticated.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53They used to do quizzes?
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Yeah, yeah. They used to write for the Guardian.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58"Gambolling." Those herds of sheep "gambolling" on the meadows,
0:23:58 > 0:24:00it was poker they were playing.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03That's a good joke, work it out later.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05SCATTERED APPLAUSE
0:24:05 > 0:24:06APPLAUSE BUILDS
0:24:06 > 0:24:09They're getting it now. A pun on the word "gambolling."
0:24:09 > 0:24:11- G-A-M-B-O-L.- Yeah, exactly.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14He just bullied you into that round of applause!
0:24:14 > 0:24:16You're a bunch of sheep!
0:24:17 > 0:24:19They recognise you anyway.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23The team used four famous faces for this experiment...
0:24:27 > 0:24:29..who were chosen because the scientists wanted faces
0:24:29 > 0:24:32that we knew the sheep hadn't seen in person.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42- How many sheep were involved in the experiment?- 85. Six.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44We don't know because as soon as the researcher
0:24:44 > 0:24:46started counting them, he fell asleep.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48Why...?
0:24:51 > 0:24:55- Why did dogs find it difficult to follow the cricket?- Colour-blind?
0:24:55 > 0:24:58- They are colour-blind!- Are they? - They're red, green colour-blind.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00How interesting. I didn't know that.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04Yes, tests in Italy found that dogs cannot make out a red cat
0:25:04 > 0:25:06running across a green background.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Although why that would ever be happening, I don't know.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11But a blue cat running across a yellow background, they can do that?
0:25:11 > 0:25:13They would be fine.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16That's why no dog's ever won the snooker championship.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20Finally, talking of recognising faces, who is this meant to be?
0:25:20 > 0:25:21The one on the left.
0:25:21 > 0:25:26Oh, it's the baby of the Scottish tennis player...
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Andy? Tim?
0:25:29 > 0:25:34- I mean, a sheep would get it faster! - Andy Murray?- Andy Murray's baby.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Why does he look like SpongeBob SquarePants?
0:25:38 > 0:25:41This butcher composed this lovely tribute to the new baby.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44How is that a tribute?!
0:25:44 > 0:25:46- HENRY:- It's extraordinary, isn't it?
0:25:47 > 0:25:51Well, if he hadn't liked the baby, what would he have come up with?
0:25:51 > 0:25:54I see your light has now gone out, sir. I do apologise for that.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58- It's a shame.- It was a brief moment in the spotlight.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02This is the news that sheep can recognise faces.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04On the whole, the sheep stepped forward to receive a reward
0:26:04 > 0:26:06when they recognised a celebrity.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Though obviously they all ran away when they saw Alan Shearer.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10AUDIENCE GROANS
0:26:10 > 0:26:13What do you want from a night out?!
0:26:13 > 0:26:16A "gambolling" sheep, that's the one they wanted.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Dogs, meanwhile, are colour-blind,
0:26:18 > 0:26:20unlike the viewers of Strictly.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21That was for you, Aston.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27- The eviction of Aston? A travesty! - Was it a travesty?- A travesty!
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Was it the sort of miscarriage that should get one very, very upset?
0:26:30 > 0:26:33- I mean, it's...- But it is the judges in the end that make the decision.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36- Yeah.- But they can only choose from the people in the bottom two.
0:26:36 > 0:26:37They shouldn't have been in the bottom two.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40The dance that he did wasn't particularly usefully choreographed.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Craig Revel Horwood gave it four,
0:26:42 > 0:26:45and he could hardly go back on that and say, "I want to save you,"
0:26:45 > 0:26:48because it's just on that dance, not... I mean, he's a great dancer,
0:26:48 > 0:26:51it seems like the programme has shot itself in the foot by doing this,
0:26:51 > 0:26:53you know, because over the years,
0:26:53 > 0:26:56certainly the male dancers have not been as good as the female dancers.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Debbie McGee is wonderful
0:26:58 > 0:27:01and Alexandra Burke is probably going to win now.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03So, it's a shame that he's not in it.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11After 25 years on this show, you are a man who is full of surprises.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Yes. A lot of people have said that
0:27:13 > 0:27:16but they haven't used the word "surprises."
0:27:20 > 0:27:21It's true. Very true.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Jeremy Corbyn. He was on Gogglebox, Celebrity Gogglebox,
0:27:31 > 0:27:33- Gogglebox Celebrity. - And what was he watching?
0:27:33 > 0:27:35I saw a clip of it...
0:27:35 > 0:27:37on the news. It was some cookery show or something?
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Maybe The Great British Bake Off perhaps.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41No, he was watching Nigella.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43- Oh, was he?- Yeah. - That's just a bit of gossip.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47Jeremy Corbyn and Jessica Hynes watched University Challenge
0:27:47 > 0:27:48and Nigella's cookery show.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51He got a history question wrong on University Challenge.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Here he is struggling with it.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55These bonuses are on Roman history, Ulster.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Against which city-state
0:27:57 > 0:27:59did Rome fight the three Punic Wars
0:27:59 > 0:28:02in the third and second centuries BC?
0:28:02 > 0:28:03Sparta.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05AUDIENCE GROANS
0:28:05 > 0:28:07- Carthage.- Correct.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10- Oh.- Oh, third century, I got the wrong century.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Of course! Carthage, yes, of course.
0:28:12 > 0:28:13Oh, no!
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Sparta, you muppet!
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Sparta!
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Were you not asked to be on Celebrity Gogglebox, Ian?
0:28:20 > 0:28:22No, I was furious.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24I think now that you've made your love of the show publicly known,
0:28:24 > 0:28:28- I think, next year, you're bound to be ignored again.- I'll say no.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Is it for charity? They do it for charity?
0:28:30 > 0:28:33- Yeah.- Oh, I'll definitely say no.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40Jeremy Corbyn also struggled to open a packet of crisps on the show,
0:28:40 > 0:28:45which according to the Express, this led one viewer to tweet...
0:28:50 > 0:28:52What did Jeremy Corbyn describe as ridiculous?
0:28:52 > 0:28:54- SARA:- Crisps.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57It was something he saw on television during the...
0:28:57 > 0:28:58Sparta!
0:28:58 > 0:29:01It was Nigella's recipe for poaching eggs.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04Shall we watch him angrily explaining how it should be done?
0:29:04 > 0:29:06- Yes.- You don't do egg whites that way.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09- What's she doing?- No! You know how to get egg white, don't you?
0:29:09 > 0:29:11- I think we all know how to poach eggs.- You break the egg,
0:29:11 > 0:29:14and you pour it from one to the other, one to the other,
0:29:14 > 0:29:16put the yolk on one side and you've got the egg white.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19- Masterclass in egg poaching! - What do you use a strainer for?
0:29:19 > 0:29:20It's ridiculous.
0:29:20 > 0:29:22What I like is a coddled egg.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26She's literally going, "This is who I voted for?"
0:29:27 > 0:29:29What is a coddled egg?
0:29:29 > 0:29:33A coddled egg? Oh, you wrap it up and don't say anything offensive.
0:29:37 > 0:29:40I love the idea he's giving Nigella lessons in cooking.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42The man who didn't know the difference
0:29:42 > 0:29:44between Sparta and Carthage.
0:29:45 > 0:29:48Jeremy Corbyn appeared on an edition of Gogglebox
0:29:48 > 0:29:50watching various programmes, including University Challenge,
0:29:50 > 0:29:52though he didn't do very well on that,
0:29:52 > 0:29:55as he thought the answer to every question was more public spending.
0:29:57 > 0:29:59Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:30:03 > 0:30:07- Oh.- Yes. Oh, no.- They found...
0:30:07 > 0:30:10They released the files that were on Osama bin Laden's computer.
0:30:10 > 0:30:12- What did he like to watch?- Pingu.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16- Well, that sort of thing.- Really?
0:30:16 > 0:30:22- Yes.- Wasn't it Mr Bean?- Yes. The CIA found videos of...
0:30:24 > 0:30:27..and episodes of Mr Bean.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29No wonder he hated the West.
0:30:30 > 0:30:34- What did he Google? What had Osama been Googling?- I don't know.
0:30:34 > 0:30:37- People Google their own name. - Basically, yes.
0:30:37 > 0:30:39He'd been watching a show called...
0:30:43 > 0:30:45There's nothing better than a quiz
0:30:45 > 0:30:47where you already know the answers, is there?
0:30:47 > 0:30:50It also turned out that Osama, just like us,
0:30:50 > 0:30:53liked to watch cute videos on YouTube. What was his favourite?
0:30:53 > 0:30:56- Otters holding hands? - Basically, yes.
0:30:56 > 0:30:59Was it a firebombing of a city he didn't approve of?
0:30:59 > 0:31:03- Even cuter.- Oh, it's of a mass beheading.- No!- Oh, surely!
0:31:03 > 0:31:07- Panda sneezing?- You're much closer.
0:31:07 > 0:31:11He loved the seminal work, Charlie Bit My Finger.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14You know that clip? One of the most viewed clips of all time.
0:31:14 > 0:31:17- Has anyone NOT seen it?- I haven't seen it.- I haven't seen it, no.
0:31:17 > 0:31:20All right. Have a look and imagine Osama bin Laden watching this.
0:31:20 > 0:31:21OK, yeah.
0:31:23 > 0:31:25Ah! Ooh!
0:31:25 > 0:31:29Ouch. Ouch!
0:31:29 > 0:31:33Ouch, Charlie! OWWW!
0:31:33 > 0:31:37Charlie, that really hurt!
0:31:47 > 0:31:48Charlie bit me.
0:31:52 > 0:31:56That's one of the most viewed videos of all time?
0:31:56 > 0:31:57Wow.
0:31:57 > 0:32:02- I must get a computer. - How did Charlie's father react
0:32:02 > 0:32:06- when he heard that Osama bin Laden had loved that?- Oh, no.
0:32:06 > 0:32:07He said...
0:32:16 > 0:32:18Time now for the Odd One Out Round.
0:32:18 > 0:32:19Your four are -
0:32:19 > 0:32:21the family of Henry Blofeld,
0:32:21 > 0:32:22Frank Sinatra,
0:32:22 > 0:32:24Napoleon Bonaparte,
0:32:24 > 0:32:26and a frankfurter.
0:32:26 > 0:32:27Is this the Bond connection?
0:32:27 > 0:32:30Would you like to explain what the Bond connection is?
0:32:30 > 0:32:34Bond connection, yes, my father and Ian Fleming were at school together.
0:32:34 > 0:32:37And he...he cribbed my name for Stavro Blofeld in the Bond books.
0:32:37 > 0:32:42And my only claim to fame in that was once meeting Lois Maxwell.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44- Miss Moneypenny? - Yes, Miss Moneypenny.
0:32:44 > 0:32:45I was able to say to her,
0:32:45 > 0:32:47"Yes, you might also say we had a common BOND."
0:32:47 > 0:32:50- AUDIENCE GROANS - Yes, I know, she actually laughed.
0:32:52 > 0:32:55It is to do with names. What sort of a character was Blofeld?
0:32:55 > 0:32:59- He was a villain.- Indeed, he had money in every conceivable...
0:32:59 > 0:33:02in the Cayman Islands and the lot, didn't he?
0:33:02 > 0:33:05- SARA:- Napoleon was the name of the pig in George Orwell's Animal Farm.
0:33:05 > 0:33:06- Oh, that's good.- Yes.
0:33:06 > 0:33:10- Yes, he's a villain in Animal Farm. - So, baddies named after them?
0:33:10 > 0:33:12But then frankfurter...
0:33:12 > 0:33:14- Frank N Furter, isn't he a baddie? - In The Rocky Horror Show.
0:33:14 > 0:33:16Who's going to be the first to the odd one out?
0:33:16 > 0:33:18Frank Sinatra's the odd one out!
0:33:18 > 0:33:19That is correct.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21- SARA:- We did a lot of the work for them.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24- Just in time.- You're welcome, guys.
0:33:24 > 0:33:27Can I just say, it's sickening to see a woman do all the work
0:33:27 > 0:33:29and a man claiming credit.
0:33:30 > 0:33:33They have all inspired the names of fictional villains
0:33:33 > 0:33:35except Frank Sinatra, whose singing
0:33:35 > 0:33:38inspired the name of a fictional hero.
0:33:40 > 0:33:42Scooby-Doo!
0:33:43 > 0:33:46They don't write them like that any more. According to the BBC,
0:33:46 > 0:33:49CBS Children's Commissioner Fred Silverman was inspired
0:33:49 > 0:33:53by those lyrics from Frank Sinatra's song Strangers In The Night.
0:33:53 > 0:33:55Your father, as you say, Mr Blofeld,
0:33:55 > 0:33:57may have inspired Ian Fleming's baddie.
0:33:57 > 0:33:59Shall we have a look at evil Blofeld?
0:33:59 > 0:34:02- Who's the actor? - That's Donald Pleasance, there.
0:34:02 > 0:34:03Donald Pleasance in You Only Live Twice.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06But why would Donald Pleasance not have been good casting
0:34:06 > 0:34:09as Blofeld in On Her Majesty's Secret Service?
0:34:09 > 0:34:11Somebody else is Blofeld in that.
0:34:11 > 0:34:14Because a key plot point is that Blofeld has no ear lobes.
0:34:14 > 0:34:15- HENRY:- Oh, right. Yes.
0:34:15 > 0:34:17- SARA:- What is the plotline?
0:34:17 > 0:34:19Is it earrings?
0:34:20 > 0:34:22He's jealous of some lovely earrings?
0:34:22 > 0:34:25Blofeld's disguised, but Bond realises it must be him
0:34:25 > 0:34:27because he's got no ear lobes.
0:34:27 > 0:34:29You know, ear lobes are interesting.
0:34:29 > 0:34:31Brian Johnston had such long lobes to his ears
0:34:31 > 0:34:34he could stick them in and they stayed there.
0:34:34 > 0:34:38He did this in the commentary box and it was very disconcerting.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40When he was talking to you, he'd stick it...
0:34:40 > 0:34:42and then he'd raise his right eyebrow,
0:34:42 > 0:34:45and it would pop out, like a cork out of a bottle.
0:34:47 > 0:34:52In the 1990s, my ears appeared in a children's textbook at school,
0:34:52 > 0:34:54to illustrate there's two different kinds of ear lobes
0:34:54 > 0:34:56and my one was illustrated and there I was, a picture of me.
0:34:56 > 0:34:59Fame at last.
0:34:59 > 0:35:01They've all inspired the names of fictional villains
0:35:01 > 0:35:04apart from Frank Sinatra, who was the inspiration for the name
0:35:04 > 0:35:05of Scooby-Doo.
0:35:05 > 0:35:07Scooby-Doo was a six-foot dog who travelled America solving
0:35:07 > 0:35:10crimes with his friends, but funnily enough they never worked out
0:35:10 > 0:35:14who was doing the massive craps in the back of the Mystery Machine.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16Which means, at the end of this round,
0:35:16 > 0:35:18it's...Paul and Henry
0:35:18 > 0:35:20with 4, Ian and Sara with 5.
0:35:20 > 0:35:23That's dangerously ahead.
0:35:29 > 0:35:32- Time now...- I think... Oh, no, sorry, go on.- No, no...
0:35:32 > 0:35:34I think you probably did get that point, which is fair enough,
0:35:34 > 0:35:37you did get virtually all the answer and I just jumped in
0:35:37 > 0:35:40- at the last minute, which was a bit unfair.- I wasn't being serious.
0:35:40 > 0:35:41I don't know. I don't know
0:35:41 > 0:35:44if the scores changed when the answer came.
0:35:44 > 0:35:47Whoever's keeping the score has a kind of moral aspect to their job.
0:35:48 > 0:35:51I'm sure they'll pick it up at the end if the scores aren't right,
0:35:51 > 0:35:54- but I don't know if they changed when we got the villain one.- No.
0:35:54 > 0:35:56We've actually put our score offshore.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00So now we're off the show
0:36:00 > 0:36:04- to reap the benefits.- It will be worth 10 by the end of the show.
0:36:04 > 0:36:05Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:36:05 > 0:36:08which, this week, features as its guest publication
0:36:08 > 0:36:12Milestones & Waymarkers - The Journal of the Milestone Society.
0:36:12 > 0:36:15It's a critical time for the magazine. It's at a crossroads.
0:36:15 > 0:36:17AUDIENCE GROANS
0:36:18 > 0:36:20- Ian and... - "Gambolling" sheep, you see.
0:36:20 > 0:36:22"Gambolling"?
0:36:22 > 0:36:24They're nostalgic for that now.
0:36:24 > 0:36:26They are, yeah, that was the highlight,
0:36:26 > 0:36:28you didn't know it at the time, did you?
0:36:28 > 0:36:29And we start with...
0:36:32 > 0:36:36- SARA:- Bathing in the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain.
0:36:41 > 0:36:43Is it just...
0:36:43 > 0:36:44Dick?
0:36:49 > 0:36:51Greasing the stairs at Buckingham Palace.
0:36:55 > 0:36:57Unbelievably, Prince Charles was once spotted
0:36:57 > 0:37:01painting the numbers on a milestone at Sandringham.
0:37:01 > 0:37:04Charles also has a milestone saying, "Buckingham Palace, ten years."
0:37:04 > 0:37:07Given to him by a chuckling Queen 48 years ago.
0:37:09 > 0:37:10Next...
0:37:12 > 0:37:14- Spelling.- Spelling.
0:37:14 > 0:37:17Getting married may be bad for your Scrabble game.
0:37:17 > 0:37:20This is the opinion of top British Scrabble player Mark Nyman
0:37:20 > 0:37:21who said...
0:37:27 > 0:37:28All the same, he misses his ex.
0:37:28 > 0:37:30Who wouldn't? Eight points.
0:37:32 > 0:37:34Next...
0:37:35 > 0:37:38- SARA:- Giggle as man describes penis.
0:37:42 > 0:37:45Lie-detecting underpants heat up whenever you tell a porky.
0:37:45 > 0:37:47Next...
0:37:49 > 0:37:51Be a chicken.
0:37:52 > 0:37:54Visit Nando's.
0:37:57 > 0:37:59If you want to smell like chicken
0:37:59 > 0:38:02KFC now do chicken-scented bath bombs.
0:38:02 > 0:38:03- SARA:- Oh, my gosh.- Next...
0:38:07 > 0:38:09The Duke of Edinburgh.
0:38:14 > 0:38:17The Queen's honeymoon was immeasurably improved
0:38:17 > 0:38:18by Susan the corgi going too.
0:38:18 > 0:38:20- SARA:- Aww, Susan.
0:38:20 > 0:38:21Finally...
0:38:24 > 0:38:26- SARA:- Bulge in lie-detecting underpants!
0:38:29 > 0:38:32Almighty vegetable.
0:38:32 > 0:38:33Is it Eamonn Holmes?
0:38:36 > 0:38:39Prince song.
0:38:39 > 0:38:40# Really big courgette... #
0:38:42 > 0:38:43Is that it?
0:38:46 > 0:38:49Second World War bomb turns out to be really big courgette.
0:38:49 > 0:38:52God, the Germans were desperate towards the end, weren't they?!
0:38:52 > 0:38:54Here's the courgette...
0:38:54 > 0:38:56It was found in a garden in Bretten in Germany.
0:38:56 > 0:38:59- Yes.- Coincidentally, replacing bombs with courgettes
0:38:59 > 0:39:02is a key plank of Jeremy Corbyn's new defence strategy.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05According to the BBC,
0:39:05 > 0:39:07once police had confirmed it was just a five-kilo vegetable...
0:39:10 > 0:39:12..and sure enough, 24 hours later,
0:39:12 > 0:39:14neighbours heard a massive explosion.
0:39:16 > 0:39:19So, the final scores are...
0:39:19 > 0:39:21Ian and Sara have 5.
0:39:21 > 0:39:23Paul and Henry have 6.
0:39:23 > 0:39:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:39:30 > 0:39:33Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:39:33 > 0:39:35That's me stuffed!
0:39:38 > 0:39:40It's not just lambs who "gambol"!
0:39:42 > 0:39:44APPLAUSE
0:39:44 > 0:39:47- SARA:- I've only just got what that was! I've just got it!
0:39:47 > 0:39:50That's the clap I should have got 20 minutes ago!
0:39:50 > 0:39:51I've only just got it.
0:39:51 > 0:39:55Oh, you've only just got the "gambolling" joke? Oh, blimey!
0:39:55 > 0:39:58I was just watching you going, "He lives in another world."
0:39:58 > 0:40:02- Sheep "gambolling" on the hillside. - I know, I get it. It's very good.
0:40:02 > 0:40:03"You're raising on that?!"
0:40:03 > 0:40:06And they don't even gambol, it's lambs... Anyway, it doesn't matter.
0:40:06 > 0:40:10- I've let it go.- What are they playing, Victoria?
0:40:10 > 0:40:12- Pontoon, I think.- Pontoon?- Yeah.
0:40:12 > 0:40:15- Poker.- They're playing Texas Hold 'Em.
0:40:15 > 0:40:18Although the flop's been dealt very badly.
0:40:18 > 0:40:21That's what happens when you have squirrels as dealers.
0:40:21 > 0:40:24On which note, we say thank you to our panellists...
0:40:24 > 0:40:26We're not finishing on that note, are we?
0:40:26 > 0:40:29That's just done forever that is.
0:40:29 > 0:40:31I'll give you another note, here you are,
0:40:31 > 0:40:33and then you can say, "On which note."
0:40:35 > 0:40:37On which note, we say thank you...
0:40:39 > 0:40:41PAUL CLINKS GLASS
0:40:43 > 0:40:44Hi-de-hi!
0:40:47 > 0:40:50On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop
0:40:50 > 0:40:52and Sara Pascoe, Paul Merton and Henry Blofeld.
0:40:52 > 0:40:54And I leave you with news that in London, there's
0:40:54 > 0:40:57evidence the architect of the new Lib Dem headquarters has been
0:40:57 > 0:40:59slightly too pessimistic.
0:41:03 > 0:41:06In St James's Park, after feeling a sharp sting on the back of his neck,
0:41:06 > 0:41:09a government tax inspector mysteriously collapses.
0:41:14 > 0:41:17And, in Soho, David Attenborough's agent phones to congratulate him
0:41:17 > 0:41:19on the success of his new TV show.
0:41:22 > 0:41:24Goodnight.