0:00:29 > 0:00:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Stephen Mangan.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43In the news this week - as he arrives at 10 Downing Street,
0:00:43 > 0:00:47David Davis spots Michel Barnier's car parked outside.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Despite Lord Ashcroft's insistence that for tax purposes
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Belize is his main residence,
0:00:58 > 0:01:01questions are raised as to how long he actually spends there.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17And in a TV studio in London, after an item about the drug Spice,
0:01:17 > 0:01:21the producers wonder what happened to the sample that was lying around.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34On Ian's team tonight is a journalist and TV presenter
0:01:34 > 0:01:39who was one of the hosts of the BBC special EU Referendum: The Result.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Don't tell me what happened, I've still not watched it.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Please welcome Steph McGovern.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:48 > 0:01:52And with Paul tonight is a comedian who was once in a band that she
0:01:52 > 0:01:57says went nowhere due to the lack of songs, musical ability and talent.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00I didn't know she used to be in Steps. Please welcome Jo Caulfield.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:05 > 0:02:08And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Paul and Jo, take a look at this.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Wake up, time for a coup.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16That's the sort of thing you can wear when you're a dictator,
0:02:16 > 0:02:17nobody'd dare tell you.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19- Happy.- Yeah, they're dancing in the streets.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Oh, couldn't do that when Mugabe was in charge.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25And that's a crocodile.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27When Mugabe first came to power in 1980, there was
0:02:27 > 0:02:30a joke which I think was on the northern working men club circuit,
0:02:30 > 0:02:31which I haven't heard since,
0:02:31 > 0:02:34but the joke was that Mugabe was actually a Yorkshireman in reverse,
0:02:34 > 0:02:38cos if you write his name backwards, it's E-BA-GUM.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40LAUGHTER
0:02:40 > 0:02:43So, that's been 37 years waiting for that laugh.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49So, Robert Mugabe, yes, after 37 years in power,
0:02:49 > 0:02:51- he has resigned.- Yes.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53And why was he forced out now?
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Well, if we've learned anything from history,
0:02:57 > 0:03:00any tyrant always has
0:03:00 > 0:03:02a wife with a lot of shoes.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06And this always seems to be the tipping point.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08I mean, he massacred people,
0:03:08 > 0:03:10he ruined the economy,
0:03:10 > 0:03:11he siphoned away billions,
0:03:11 > 0:03:13people were starving,
0:03:13 > 0:03:16but then they went, "Oh, how many shoes does his wife have?"
0:03:16 > 0:03:18That's it, isn't it?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20She said she had to have all these shoes.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24She had to have Ferragamo, because she had very narrow feet.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Mm.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29And people believed that, because if they didn't, they were killed.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Have you seen what else she spent her money on, though?
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Cos she spent 200 grand on a headboard for their bed.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Like, what does a headboard worth 200 grand actually do?
0:03:39 > 0:03:41That's what you've got to ask yourself.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44I would think she would need to knock herself out on it.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Yeah.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49But she's called Gucci Grace
0:03:49 > 0:03:52because that's where she likes to shop...
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- Yes, she is.- ..as I am known as Jo Majestic Wines Caulfield.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01And this is Paul Cravat Shop Merton.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04- Yes...- Cravat World, I think!
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Next to Poundland.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11You don't go to Poundland. Surely you go to Guinealand.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15APPLAUSE
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Yes, Mugabe was forced out by the army after
0:04:20 > 0:04:25he fired his vice president Emmerson Mnangagwa earlier this month,
0:04:25 > 0:04:28and for trying to position his wife Grace as successor.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32There's more to Grace, though, than just shopping and seizing farms.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34She's actually Dr Grace Mugabe.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38Cos she forced her husband to give her all these different accolades.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Well, that's scandalous. I'm not sure that's true.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45She got her PhD at the University of Zimbabwe this year.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47It apparently just took her three months to do,
0:04:47 > 0:04:48which is very impressive.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51The doctorate was awarded to her by the University Chancellor,
0:04:51 > 0:04:54actually, a Mr RG Mugabe.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59How did the generals go about reassuring everyone it wasn't
0:04:59 > 0:05:03- a military coup?- Dancing, it seems to be.- Yeah, they staged a musical.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06- Yeah.- Yeah, they took over state TV, which is always a sign of something
0:05:06 > 0:05:08- not being a coup.- That's right.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11One of the generals broadcast a message saying it definitely
0:05:11 > 0:05:12wasn't a military coup.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14And let's have a look at that message.
0:05:14 > 0:05:19To both our people and the world beyond our borders...
0:05:20 > 0:05:25..we wish to make it abundantly clear that this is not a military
0:05:25 > 0:05:27takeover of government.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Cos he doesn't look like he's in the military at all there, does he?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35- No.- He doesn't look scary at all. - He was in the Cubs. That's...
0:05:37 > 0:05:42There was a letter of resignation from Mugabe which said:
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Which sounds tremendously voluntary to me.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55It does. Particularly with a tank outside your house.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57So, he's replaced.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00The ambitious young reformer who is going to provide
0:06:00 > 0:06:01a fresh break with the past
0:06:01 > 0:06:04is 75-year-old Emmerson Mnangagwa.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06He's known as the Crocodile. Why do we think that is?
0:06:06 > 0:06:09People say you think he's sleeping,
0:06:09 > 0:06:12but he isn't, and then he comes and kills you.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14- Sort of friendly name. - It's cuddly, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17According to the Economist, it's for his habit of...
0:06:20 > 0:06:23And this doesn't seem to worry the people on the streets.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25A crocodile...
0:06:25 > 0:06:29NEWS VOICEOVER: Emmerson Mnangagwa is known as the Crocodile,
0:06:29 > 0:06:31celebrated here for his ruthless cunning.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34But when it gets its prey...
0:06:34 > 0:06:35Om!
0:06:37 > 0:06:40There's a lot of optimism in Zimbabwe, which is heartbreaking.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44If you're watching this on...
0:06:44 > 0:06:46LAUGHTER
0:06:46 > 0:06:48You think it's misplaced, then?
0:06:48 > 0:06:49He's not a great guy.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52I mean, he did organise the massacres of 20,000 people.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55I mean, it's not a big deal nowadays, I know, but...
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- But they're very old, aren't they? Cos...- Who, they are?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00- 93.- Mugabe's 93.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03And so the new guy, the Crocodile guy, he's 75.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06And I just think, "God, when does ambition stop?"
0:07:06 > 0:07:07You know, when do people just...?
0:07:07 > 0:07:10They should be just watching whatever Zimbabwe version
0:07:10 > 0:07:13of Cash In The Attic is, you know what I mean?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16It's Cash In The Bank In France.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Siphoned Off Money In The Attic, yes.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23- Political Opponents In The Attic. - Yeah.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Grace has been a fiercely loyal supporter of her husband.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27How did she plan on helping him
0:07:27 > 0:07:29continue as president as he got older?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Getting him embalmed.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Then just keeping him going for as long as possible
0:07:33 > 0:07:35while she controls the remote behind them.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38That's pretty much the right answer, actually.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41She said he would never quit as leader because:
0:07:45 > 0:07:47And if he died before then, no problem.
0:07:52 > 0:07:57- Man! Wasn't far off.- "Field him"? - Yeah.- For elections.- I see.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Where you can put up dead people. It's not a coup.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05The new bloke said they were looking forward to a new era of democracy.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07- HE CHUCKLES - Yeah...
0:08:08 > 0:08:11- Who's the biggest loser in all this? - Robert Mugabe.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Is it Gucci,
0:08:15 > 0:08:18given that they're now not going to have a woman with loads of money?
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Well, even bigger loser than them is Mugabe's tailor.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Where will he find clients that want to wear suits like this?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29It's just him and Timmy Mallett, isn't it?
0:08:29 > 0:08:32There aren't many men that can carry off a suit with
0:08:32 > 0:08:34a picture of their own face on it.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Mugabe's best look, though, for me, was this one.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Finally, since we've been talking about the Crocodile,
0:08:45 > 0:08:48what other politician is concerned about big reptiles this week?
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Oh, is it elephants?
0:08:50 > 0:08:53- Big reptiles.- Yeah...
0:08:54 > 0:08:56APPLAUSE
0:08:59 > 0:09:00I resign.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- University challenged. - Sorry, idiot.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08- Well, it's Australian MP Bob Katter. - Oh, yeah.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12Here he is explaining his feelings about same-sex marriages,
0:09:12 > 0:09:14but watch for the subtle gear change
0:09:14 > 0:09:17as he realises there are more important issues.
0:09:17 > 0:09:22You know, people are entitled to their sexual proclivities, you know?
0:09:22 > 0:09:26I mean, let there be a thousand blossoms bloom
0:09:26 > 0:09:28as far as I'm concerned, you know?
0:09:28 > 0:09:30But I ain't spending any time on it,
0:09:30 > 0:09:32because in the meantime,
0:09:32 > 0:09:35every three months, a person is torn to pieces
0:09:35 > 0:09:37by a crocodile in North Queensland.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44That person must be getting pretty fed up of it.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47This is the news that one of the most ruthless, corrupt
0:09:47 > 0:09:50and bloodthirsty leaders Zimbabwe has ever known
0:09:50 > 0:09:52has taken over from Robert Mugabe.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55The new leader of Zimbabwe is...
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Previously best known for beating Phil "The Power" Taylor
0:10:00 > 0:10:03with a nine-dart finish at The Lakeside.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06The crisis began when Grace Mugabe persuaded her husband
0:10:06 > 0:10:09to get rid of Emmerson "The Crocodile" Mnangagwa,
0:10:09 > 0:10:11partly because she saw him as a political rival,
0:10:11 > 0:10:14but mainly because she wanted to turn him into a handbag.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson used all his diplomatic skills
0:10:20 > 0:10:22to curry favour with the incoming regime,
0:10:22 > 0:10:24declaring it a glorious new dawn
0:10:24 > 0:10:26for the people of Rhodesia.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Ian and Steph, take a look at this.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35The famous red box where they have to try and pull rabbits out of it.
0:10:35 > 0:10:36That's the government.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Oh, that's moving into a new home.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43"No, you can't afford it".
0:10:43 > 0:10:45This is, of course, the Budget.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47- It was a bit funnier than they normally are.- Yeah.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Cos obviously you had Theresa May handing him cough sweets
0:10:50 > 0:10:52in the middle of it as well, you know?
0:10:52 > 0:10:54- Yeah, I thought that was subtle. - Yeah, really subtle.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58- Him reminding her of how bad her speech was.- Yeah.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01But he seems to have done enough to survive.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03It's great, being in a really weak government.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04Cos you listen to all your critics
0:11:04 > 0:11:07and you write it down and then you read it out in the Budget.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10And everyone says, "He's brilliant.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13"Universal Credit not working? That's a fantastic thought.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16"Not enough homes? How did he think of that?"
0:11:16 > 0:11:18The idea that everyone else has been saying this
0:11:18 > 0:11:20for the last 15 years...
0:11:20 > 0:11:23It's gone. Suddenly he gets all the credit.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Well, not Universal Credit, obviously.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Anyway, he survived and it wasn't bad enough for anyone
0:11:29 > 0:11:31to get too angry about.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Yes, what's the big problem that Big Phil faced
0:11:34 > 0:11:36before this Budget?
0:11:36 > 0:11:38- Life.- Well, everyone hated him.- Yes.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39Everyone thinks he's rubbish.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42- Here he is, poor Phil, scratching his head.- Friendless Phil.
0:11:42 > 0:11:43He didn't have much support beforehand.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Critics were queueing up in the Telegraph
0:11:45 > 0:11:47to say his days were numbered.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56..said his wife.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59What's caused all the underlying gloom?
0:11:59 > 0:12:03Brexit? And the fact that there's so much uncertainty.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06- Typical BBC Remoaner. - I know, there we go.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09- You can't come on for one minute, can you?- No.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10Without going on and on...
0:12:10 > 0:12:12"It's all Brexit's fault". God!
0:12:12 > 0:12:13PAUL CHUCKLES
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Honestly, it's pretty annoying.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19I haven't seen you so animated
0:12:19 > 0:12:22since you thought an elephant was a reptile.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24APPLAUSE
0:12:26 > 0:12:28- Growth forecasts.- Mm, downgraded.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30- Downgraded.- Yeah.- From what?
0:12:30 > 0:12:32From 2% to 1.5%,
0:12:32 > 0:12:35which, in monetary terms, is about £20 billion.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38- Forecasts do my head in because they're never right, are they?- No.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40So, how many times have I been on TV...?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42- I'm going to have a little mini rant.- Yeah.- Go for it.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44How many times have I been on TV and said,
0:12:44 > 0:12:48"The Bank of England's forecasting this, the OBR's forecasting this"?
0:12:48 > 0:12:49No-one's ever got it right.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51The best person who's given any analysis is that lady
0:12:51 > 0:12:54who was asked about when there was going to be another election,
0:12:54 > 0:12:56do you remember what she said?
0:12:56 > 0:12:59"Oh, not another one!" Which is exactly how I feel.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01I'm going to be fired before the end of this, by the way!
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Given it's MY job to talk about forecasts, but there we are.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Is it that business journalists just like numbers
0:13:07 > 0:13:08and want to put their favourite number in,
0:13:08 > 0:13:10so people are just shouting different numbers?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- Yeah, and for me, I just love hard hats.- Do you?
0:13:13 > 0:13:15I just like going around various building sites.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17- And vis jackets.- Oh, high vis.- Yeah.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Do you know, there's even someone who's set up a fetish website
0:13:19 > 0:13:21of Steph in safety gear?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25I bet you haven't got one of them, Ian.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27You don't know that I set it up.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29APPLAUSE
0:13:32 > 0:13:34What's the address?
0:13:36 > 0:13:40Why was Philip Hammond depicted like this in The Sun on Budget Day?
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Is that a ferret or a weasel?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Or perhaps it's an elephant, I don't know.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Looks a bit like Arsene Wenger. Is that meant to be...?
0:13:48 > 0:13:51- STEPH:- Yeah, it does, actually. - What's going on?- Yeah.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52It's a weasel, actually.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56It was to warn him against increasing duty on diesel fuel.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01- Don't be a diesel weasel?- Yeah.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Well, drivers of diesel cars, having been actively
0:14:03 > 0:14:05encouraged by governments to go out and buy them,
0:14:05 > 0:14:07have now been hit by extra fuel duty.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11- And that's just what weasels do in the wild.- Yeah, they do.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Philip Hammond is determined that by 2021...
0:14:16 > 0:14:19And he's paying to install electric charging points all over the place.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21I've got loads in my house.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Why's everyone so keen on driverless cars? I like driving.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Don't people like driving?
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- So they can get drunk and then be taken home.- That's called a cab.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- JO:- If there's driverless cars, there'll be no more Top Gear.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36That is a big incentive for me.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Driverless cars caused Philip Hammond some embarrassment
0:14:40 > 0:14:43before the Budget. He told Andrew Marr that to show his confidence
0:14:43 > 0:14:46in driverless technology, he'd be going in a driverless car
0:14:46 > 0:14:49the very next day. This alerted Number Ten to a potentially
0:14:49 > 0:14:52embarrassing visual metaphor.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55And a spokesman told the Telegraph...
0:15:00 > 0:15:01Yeah, a lot of people are scared
0:15:01 > 0:15:03by the new technology of driverless cars, but do you want to
0:15:03 > 0:15:06- see something really creepy? - Yeah.- Have a look at this.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- We can't rely on the stairs to stop them now, can we?- No, that's it.
0:15:30 > 0:15:35Matt Hancock, who is the Digital Minister, who's very much on board
0:15:35 > 0:15:38with the Government's support for technology, he tweeted...
0:15:47 > 0:15:50We need those maths teachers, don't we?
0:15:50 > 0:15:52You're good at maths, though, Steph, aren't you?
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Didn't you, when you were a child, work out how to make
0:15:55 > 0:15:58a Black & Decker leaf blower much more efficient,
0:15:58 > 0:16:01and thus saving them millions of pounds? Is that true?
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Yeah, when I was 19 I used to work for Black & Decker and I got
0:16:04 > 0:16:07trained in lean production, so it was all about productivity.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10And I got trained in something called Six Sigma,
0:16:10 > 0:16:11so I've got a green belt in it.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- Which also means I'm incredibly violent.- Right.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15So, I did all this analysis
0:16:15 > 0:16:17and worked out how they could make them faster.
0:16:17 > 0:16:18So, they could make them faster,
0:16:18 > 0:16:21- and it meant they could close the factory at weekends.- Right.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24So, basically I cut jobs in the north-east.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30Who would like to see BBC political jester Norman Smith
0:16:30 > 0:16:33explaining the Brexit divorce bill in overly simplistic terms?
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- Yeah.- Yes.- Here he is.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39So, how big is this Brexit divorce bill going to be?
0:16:39 > 0:16:41It could be more than 40 billion.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44GRUFF COCKNEY ACCENT: Loadsamoney!
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Brussels could still say, "Non! We want more money."
0:16:46 > 0:16:49And you know what? The Great British public could say...
0:16:49 > 0:16:52GRUFF COCKNEY ACCENT: "Loadsamoney? You're 'aving a laugh!"
0:16:53 > 0:16:55I say...
0:16:55 > 0:16:58GRUFFLY: "Norman, stop it!"
0:16:59 > 0:17:03- Which one is his normal accent? - Yeah, definitely the posher one.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06There've been complaints that the Government has done nothing
0:17:06 > 0:17:08about the minimum wage, the so-called gig economy.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11What has the millennials' favourite exploiter
0:17:11 > 0:17:14of low-paid workers, Uber, admitted this week?
0:17:14 > 0:17:17- Someone hacked into Uber...- Mm.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20..and stole the data of 57 million users.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24- That's the entire country...- Yeah. - ..is in an Uber all the time.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27But they paid a ransom a year ago, it's just come out now.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30100,000, yeah, for the hackers to keep quiet about the whole thing.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32- But Uber accepted it?- Yeah.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35So they said, "We won't tell anyone about it, we won't report it."
0:17:35 > 0:17:39And the criminals said, "We've erased all the data. Trust us,
0:17:39 > 0:17:42"we're criminals who've just hacked into your system."
0:17:42 > 0:17:44And then eventually they had to admit it.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Does Private Eye have worries that somebody might hack
0:17:46 > 0:17:49into your system? You know, steal the carbon paper or something.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54How has the Chancellor tried to appeal to young people?
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Well, he's abolished the stamp duty.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59And, oh, also the train thing, which seems kind of random.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- So, they get free train travel up to 30 now...- Yeah.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05..because they can't afford to live anywhere,
0:18:05 > 0:18:06so they could live on the train.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11It's called the new home replacement service.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16It's a railcard, but it's off-peak, so you can't use it to go to work.
0:18:16 > 0:18:17So you can't go to work, no.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20- STEPH:- Yeah, and you only get a third off.- And you get a third off.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Still, it'd probably reduce the cost of a ticket from London
0:18:22 > 0:18:25to Manchester down to about 400 quid.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29He did some weird specific taxes, I thought,
0:18:29 > 0:18:33where he did nothing on other booze, except strong cider
0:18:33 > 0:18:35and rolling tobacco.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38And I thought, "Well, he's missing out on that very important
0:18:38 > 0:18:42" 'likes to drink in the park' demographic, isn't he?"
0:18:42 > 0:18:45It seemed like it was an actual person
0:18:45 > 0:18:47and I was imagining there's like an evil bubble
0:18:47 > 0:18:50and then you cut to Phil Hammond's daughter
0:18:50 > 0:18:54and her useless boyfriend rolling fags and drinking cider.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59I thought it was a pretty blatant attack on Farage.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04He's also cracking down on property speculators and investors
0:19:04 > 0:19:06who leave property vacant.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10Did you see what happened to the old vacant stadium in Atlanta
0:19:10 > 0:19:11called the Georgia Dome?
0:19:11 > 0:19:14- It was demolished in an explosion... - Oh, yeah.- ..and lots of news media
0:19:14 > 0:19:18were there to see it and they set up in the best camera position possible
0:19:18 > 0:19:21to catch the never-to-be-repeated moment.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31- BLEEP!- Get out of the way, bus!
0:19:36 > 0:19:38You... Ugh!
0:19:39 > 0:19:41- What the- BLEEP?!
0:19:43 > 0:19:45BLEEP!
0:19:51 > 0:19:53APPLAUSE
0:19:54 > 0:19:57This is the news that the Chancellor has delivered
0:19:57 > 0:19:58a brilliant/terrible Budget
0:19:58 > 0:20:02according to how much white cider you drink.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04The budget also tackles environmental issues,
0:20:04 > 0:20:05with a tax on...
0:20:08 > 0:20:09Because of concerns that...
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Especially when the cast of Love Island go swimming.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22The Daily Mirror said the Chancellor's Budget amounted to...
0:20:23 > 0:20:26..which I think is one of the films on Damian Green's computer.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29APPLAUSE
0:20:29 > 0:20:32And so on to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39- BUZZER - This is the Queen and Prince Philip
0:20:39 > 0:20:41showing why they get on so well together.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44It's their 70th wedding anniversary, I think, 1947.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46What did the Queen give Philip?
0:20:46 > 0:20:47Northumberland?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52It was very lazy gift-giving.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54- She gave him... - She gave him a medal.- Yep.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57It's like, if you said to your wife, "Oh, happy anniversary,
0:20:57 > 0:21:00"here's a copy of Private Eye." It's not a good gift.
0:21:00 > 0:21:01But did you notice how they said,
0:21:01 > 0:21:03"We're going to have a low-key affair,"
0:21:03 > 0:21:06and then they had a massive party at Windsor Castle,
0:21:06 > 0:21:09put out a load of stamps, and then got ten bell-ringers
0:21:09 > 0:21:12to ring bells at Westminster Abbey for three hours.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14I mean, what's wrong with sausage rolls
0:21:14 > 0:21:16and a couple of rounds of Agadoo?
0:21:18 > 0:21:21The thought of Prince Philip singing Agadoo is making me very happy.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26Yes, she gave him another title. She's making him...
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Cross being the operative word.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33According to the royal biographer Ingrid Seward
0:21:33 > 0:21:36the secret to their happy marriage is that...
0:21:37 > 0:21:39What do you think they might laugh about?
0:21:39 > 0:21:40Us.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Fools!
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Well, Ingrid said the Queen is...
0:21:45 > 0:21:47And is...
0:21:47 > 0:21:50- STEPH GASPS - No! I would love to see that.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Oh, we'd all love to see that, wouldn't we?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Do you know what? I always panic, cos obviously at the BBC,
0:21:55 > 0:21:58when we do the news, we have a whole procedure if anyone
0:21:58 > 0:22:01who's Category One, like the Queen, dies.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04So we have to go through this procedure every month
0:22:04 > 0:22:08of rehearsing it and I am in blind panic that one morning
0:22:08 > 0:22:11it's me on and how gutted the royal family will be
0:22:11 > 0:22:14when a girl with a north-east accent announces
0:22:14 > 0:22:16the death of the Queen. Can you imagine that?
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Like, "Now then, everyone...
0:22:19 > 0:22:21"..just to let you know, Bet's pegged it."
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- APPLAUSE - So every time, I get a sweat on!
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Ingrid also revealed the couple share a bedroom,
0:22:31 > 0:22:34but Prince Philip also has his own in case...
0:22:39 > 0:22:42The royal family's Twitter account released some official portraits
0:22:42 > 0:22:45of the couple. Here's the tweet from the royal account.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49That's brilliant.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Up to that point, I thought they were well matched!
0:22:55 > 0:22:58That's just a technical error, how the pictures are displayed,
0:22:58 > 0:22:59they don't actually look like that.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02I think it's time we did a little something special
0:23:02 > 0:23:04- to mark this unique occasion. - Yes, let's do something special.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Let's do that. Fingers on the buzzers, teams,
0:23:06 > 0:23:09for the no expense spent Phil and Liz Quiz.
0:23:09 > 0:23:10FANFARE PLAYS
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Right, we've got 70 questions to get through,
0:23:14 > 0:23:16so try and keep the pace up.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19What did Prince Philip give up in 1947?
0:23:19 > 0:23:21- BELL Yes?- Oh, his life.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24- BUZZER Jo?- Smoking.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26He did, he gave up smoking cigarettes.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28The Queen didn't like it, so he just stopped dead.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30He still likes to blaze a doobie, though,
0:23:30 > 0:23:33and maybe a bong or two at the weekends.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37The royal couple received 2,583 wedding presents,
0:23:37 > 0:23:39but what did they get 76 of?
0:23:39 > 0:23:42- BELL - Toasters.- Nope.
0:23:42 > 0:23:4476 people gave them handkerchiefs.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47- LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT:- Eh, Phil, look at all these hankies we got.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52APPLAUSE
0:23:52 > 0:23:53They also got...
0:23:59 > 0:24:03It's amazing they should all think of the same thing!
0:24:03 > 0:24:06What special rule is there when the Queen is on the royal train?
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Kenneth Branagh has to appear with a moustache.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12When the Queen is travelling on the royal train,
0:24:12 > 0:24:17it's not allowed to go over bumpy tracks at 7:30am because...
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- The bath on the train?- A bath on the train.- Wow!- I know, I know.
0:24:22 > 0:24:23It must be really irritating
0:24:23 > 0:24:25if you're queueing outside that cubicle.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31- LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT: - There's somebody in 'ere!- Yeah.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35There's those automatic doors that open, she's like that...
0:24:37 > 0:24:41What did Prince Philip say when he first saw baby Prince Charles?
0:24:41 > 0:24:42Ugh!
0:24:46 > 0:24:48He said he looked like a frog, or...
0:24:48 > 0:24:51..he looks like some sort of reptile. Perhaps a large elephant.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54That's not far off, yeah.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Philip missed Prince Charles' birth
0:24:56 > 0:24:58because he was playing squash at the time.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01But when they finally met, Philip said:
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Now Charles just looks like a bitter lemon.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Finally, what nickname do Prince William and Harry
0:25:10 > 0:25:12have for the Queen?
0:25:12 > 0:25:13- Your Majesty.- Madge.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15- The Guv'nor.- No.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Earlier this year it was revealed the princes call the Queen...
0:25:21 > 0:25:26Oh! Do you reckon that's her Scouse alter ego, Gary?
0:25:26 > 0:25:28It totally is, isn't it?
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Well, apparently it's because Prince William couldn't say granny
0:25:31 > 0:25:33when he was a baby, but I'll go with the Scouse alter ego,
0:25:33 > 0:25:35that sounds better.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38This is the Queen and Prince Philip's 70th wedding anniversary.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39According to a royal biographer,
0:25:39 > 0:25:42the secret of their long marriage is...
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Especially when their accountant phones them with more good news
0:25:45 > 0:25:46from the Cayman Islands.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51According to the Sunday Express, in the early days of their marriage...
0:25:54 > 0:25:57Not as surprised as those carol singers he opened the door to.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01APPLAUSE
0:26:01 > 0:26:02Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06BELL RINGS
0:26:06 > 0:26:10This is the story about Paperchase and the fact that they
0:26:10 > 0:26:13gave away wrapping paper with the Daily Mail,
0:26:13 > 0:26:17and then everyone kicked off, so then they put out this ridiculous
0:26:17 > 0:26:20apology saying, "We're really sorry,
0:26:20 > 0:26:23"we'll never, ever, ever do it again,"
0:26:23 > 0:26:26which then everyone kicked off about as well.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Yes, this is the news that Paperchase felt obliged to apologise
0:26:28 > 0:26:33after giving away two free sheets of wrapping paper in the Daily Mail.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Here is the full grovel.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52How old are Paperchase? Five?
0:26:52 > 0:26:55"I'm really sorry, I won't do it again."
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Why did they apologise in the first place?
0:26:57 > 0:27:01Cos they were lobbied by a group that tries to stop people
0:27:01 > 0:27:03they don't approve of taking ads in newspapers.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Which is quite dangerous. Cos where do you stop?
0:27:06 > 0:27:10Stop the Guardian having ads because you don't approve of them.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12In America, you know, abortion clinics,
0:27:12 > 0:27:14if you don't approve of them.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17It's not a great way to censor a newspaper.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18Don't buy it if you don't like it.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21And if you're a big firm that wants to give away paper, well,
0:27:21 > 0:27:23there are other publications.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29- It's an attack on press freedom. - It is a bit.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31How did the Mail respond?
0:27:31 > 0:27:33- No idea.- Well, they said...
0:27:40 > 0:27:44Yes! I knew it, I knew it!
0:27:50 > 0:27:52- Reasonably, then.- Yes.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55- Has the Mail ever tried to impose its views on anybody?- Never.- No.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57In other wrapping news, why are people
0:27:57 > 0:28:00so angry at Amazon at the moment?
0:28:00 > 0:28:04Is this because they sent some bubble wrap to someone
0:28:04 > 0:28:07and they wrapped it in loads and loads and loads of paper,
0:28:07 > 0:28:11so much so this fella had his entire garden full of all the paper
0:28:11 > 0:28:13just from the wrapping of the bubble wrap.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Yes, people's orders keep coming with too much packaging.
0:28:16 > 0:28:17Paul Jacobs ordered some bubble wrap,
0:28:17 > 0:28:21and it came with 100 feet of brown paper padding.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24- He looks happy, though, doesn't he? - He does, yeah.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28Finally, what did the BBC's Simon McCoy spend a little too long
0:28:28 > 0:28:29doing on the news channel this week?
0:28:29 > 0:28:32- Having a go at the weather forecaster?- No.- No.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35He was watching some beatboxers. Let's have a look.
0:28:35 > 0:28:40- Let's go! - THEY BEATBOX
0:28:51 > 0:28:53# Bring it on, bring it on bring it on back. #
0:28:53 > 0:28:58THEY BEATBOX
0:29:10 > 0:29:12Yeah, that was... That was quite good.
0:29:19 > 0:29:23Time now for the Odd One Out round. Paul and Jo, your four are...
0:29:23 > 0:29:24..Winston Churchill,
0:29:24 > 0:29:26Hatton Garden's gang member John "Kenny" Collins,
0:29:26 > 0:29:28BBC newsroom staff
0:29:28 > 0:29:29and Mike Ashley.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32We think we know this one. It's about sleep.
0:29:32 > 0:29:33It is about sleep.
0:29:33 > 0:29:36Cos the Hatton Garden, he was so old, he fell asleep,
0:29:36 > 0:29:37- he was the lookout.- Ah.
0:29:39 > 0:29:42And everyone at the BBC sleeps regularly during shifts.
0:29:42 > 0:29:44- Right.- That's what we do. - Especially the Breakfast lot.
0:29:44 > 0:29:46Oh, yeah, totally. I mean, it's three hours long,
0:29:46 > 0:29:48what do you want us to do?
0:29:48 > 0:29:52- Well, your audience are!- Oh!
0:29:52 > 0:29:53And I thought we were getting on!
0:29:53 > 0:29:57Yeah, and then he fell asleep in a board meeting, didn't he?
0:29:57 > 0:30:00- Oh, yeah.- JO:- Mike Ashley?- After he'd thrown up in the fireplace.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02Yes, after he'd had a few pints, I think.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05A few pints at the board meeting. And Winston Churchill was always
0:30:05 > 0:30:07asleep in the afternoon, he took a lot of naps.
0:30:07 > 0:30:09- So, the odd one out is...?- The BBC.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11Winston Churchill was allowed to have a nap,
0:30:11 > 0:30:14the others were all sleeping when they should've been working.
0:30:14 > 0:30:18- No.- No.- Nearly.- Dreadful. - You're on the right track.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21- Yeah, appalling answer.- I'm going to put you out of your misery.
0:30:21 > 0:30:22They all deliberately slept at work,
0:30:22 > 0:30:25except for Hatton Garden gang member John "Kenny" Collins...
0:30:25 > 0:30:27- Exactly.- ..who accidentally dozed off twice
0:30:27 > 0:30:29- during the notorious jewellery heist.- Hang on.
0:30:29 > 0:30:33- We don't deliberately sleep at work. - Apparently, you do.
0:30:33 > 0:30:34And we have proof.
0:30:34 > 0:30:37The Hatton Garden gang didn't have a lot of faith
0:30:37 > 0:30:39in John "Kenny" Collins. What did they call him?
0:30:39 > 0:30:42- The Sleeper.- Sleepy, yeah.- Dozy?- No.
0:30:42 > 0:30:44- Snoozy John?- Useless bastard?
0:30:46 > 0:30:48- Collins.- Almost. Apparently he wasn't the brightest.
0:30:48 > 0:30:51- Yeah.- Dopey.- Dimwit Collins.
0:30:51 > 0:30:53Well, they called him...
0:30:55 > 0:30:57Claiming...
0:30:58 > 0:31:01- Why did they pick him, then? - Yeah, why did they pick him?
0:31:01 > 0:31:02Well, there you go.
0:31:02 > 0:31:05What other mishaps did they get up to during the robbery?
0:31:05 > 0:31:06Erm...
0:31:06 > 0:31:08Well, aside from their sleeping lookout,
0:31:08 > 0:31:10they gave their real address when buying machinery
0:31:10 > 0:31:13used in the robbery, they triggered a police alarm,
0:31:13 > 0:31:16they left vital clues behind including traceable drill parts,
0:31:16 > 0:31:18only two of the elderly men were slim enough to fit
0:31:18 > 0:31:22through the hole they'd drilled and one man...
0:31:28 > 0:31:31- Other than that, they did really well.- Yeah.
0:31:31 > 0:31:35Now, the BBC. Photos of sleeping BBC newsroom workers
0:31:35 > 0:31:39- were taken by a whistle-blower... - Oh!- ..over a four-year period
0:31:39 > 0:31:42and published in The Sun with this front page...
0:31:44 > 0:31:47How many workers were photographed asleep in a four-year period,
0:31:47 > 0:31:49- do you think?- 17.
0:31:49 > 0:31:52- Was it one?- It was eight. - Eight.- Eight.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55- Over four years?- Over four years. Yeah, disgraceful.
0:31:55 > 0:31:57- You see, that's not many. - Well, here they are.
0:31:57 > 0:31:59- Here are the culprits. - They're probably very tired.
0:31:59 > 0:32:01- There's one. Yeah, there's another one.- Oh, I know him.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03This one's taking it quite seriously,
0:32:03 > 0:32:05he's even brought an eye mask.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08You ever had a kip in the office?
0:32:08 > 0:32:10That's what I did this afternoon, I had a power nap.
0:32:10 > 0:32:12- Did you?- While I was talking to Ian.
0:32:14 > 0:32:16You seem to have a lot of energy on BBC Breakfast.
0:32:16 > 0:32:18- That's the drugs.- Well...
0:32:19 > 0:32:21Explain this, then.
0:32:21 > 0:32:24TRADITIONAL IRISH MUSIC
0:32:38 > 0:32:40How about that?!
0:32:40 > 0:32:42APPLAUSE
0:32:48 > 0:32:50- Were you explaining income tax? - Yeah.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53That's how I make business news interesting.
0:32:53 > 0:32:56You didn't get the full audio there, I was delivering the FTSE.
0:32:58 > 0:33:00Churchill was once asked,
0:33:00 > 0:33:02to what did he attribute his success in life?
0:33:02 > 0:33:04And what do you think he said?
0:33:04 > 0:33:09- Alcohol, was it?- It wasn't alcohol. - Cigarettes.- Cigars.- Sleeping.
0:33:09 > 0:33:11Yeah, basically. It was...
0:33:16 > 0:33:19I see they've got a point even though they didn't get the answer.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21We got the sleep bit of it.
0:33:21 > 0:33:23A point for dancing. What are you going to do?
0:33:26 > 0:33:28I can't... I mean, I'm not involved with the points.
0:33:28 > 0:33:29- No, that's fine.- Yeah.
0:33:32 > 0:33:34- Is he a bad loser?- Erm... - I wouldn't know.
0:33:34 > 0:33:36- Look and see!- Oh!
0:33:36 > 0:33:37APPLAUSE
0:33:39 > 0:33:41Ian and Steph, here are yours.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44President Xi Jinping, Obi-Wan Kenobi,
0:33:44 > 0:33:45Carl the koi carp,
0:33:45 > 0:33:48and a sausage roll.
0:33:48 > 0:33:50This was the story, wasn't it,
0:33:50 > 0:33:54Greggs replacing Jesus in the nativity scene with a sausage roll.
0:33:54 > 0:33:58Is it objects that replaced a deity?
0:33:58 > 0:34:00Cos this carp is a deity.
0:34:00 > 0:34:04Wasn't there one that looked like Jesus recently, as well?
0:34:04 > 0:34:05What, a carp?
0:34:05 > 0:34:07- Yeah, a koi carp.- Really?
0:34:07 > 0:34:09Yeah, that looked like... I'm sure there was.
0:34:09 > 0:34:11Cos you know...
0:34:11 > 0:34:14When you say it looked like Jesus... Wh...? Wh...?
0:34:16 > 0:34:19- Is this part of the answer? - It absolutely is part of the answer.
0:34:19 > 0:34:23Excellent, then Obi-Wan Kenobi is a deity in the Jedi religion.
0:34:23 > 0:34:27And he's also one of those devices that kills flies in chip shops.
0:34:28 > 0:34:31So maybe there is a koi carp that thinks it's Jesus.
0:34:33 > 0:34:37- How do they know that it thinks it's Jesus?- Cos they asked it.- Right.
0:34:37 > 0:34:40Gets very nervous around Easter time.
0:34:40 > 0:34:42You're really on the right lines.
0:34:42 > 0:34:44If you give me the right odd one out I think you'll get the point.
0:34:44 > 0:34:46They don't have to give you the right one,
0:34:46 > 0:34:48they got a point last time for not giving you the right one.
0:34:48 > 0:34:51Suddenly you're getting pernickety about giving the odd one out.
0:34:51 > 0:34:53I'm glad to see you're over it.
0:34:54 > 0:34:56Is it the Chinese president?
0:34:56 > 0:35:00It's not the right answer. Paul and Jo, it's a chance to get a point.
0:35:00 > 0:35:03- The odd one out's the sausage roll. - Is not the right answer.
0:35:03 > 0:35:05Sorry, I meant the Chinese... No, the koi carp.
0:35:05 > 0:35:07- The koi carp, yeah. - The koi carp is the odd one out.
0:35:07 > 0:35:09Is the right answer, yes.
0:35:14 > 0:35:15You've both got a point there.
0:35:18 > 0:35:20That's how this game works, the rules are online
0:35:20 > 0:35:22if anyone wants to look them up.
0:35:22 > 0:35:26The answer is they've all replaced an image of Jesus
0:35:26 > 0:35:29apart from Carl the koi carp,
0:35:29 > 0:35:32who some people claim looks a bit like Jesus.
0:35:32 > 0:35:36- Let's see a better picture of Carl the koi.- Yeah.
0:35:36 > 0:35:37Here's him from another angle.
0:35:39 > 0:35:40Helen Barlow from Manchester
0:35:40 > 0:35:43took the photo at her local garden centre.
0:35:43 > 0:35:46- Who does she think it looks like? - George Clooney.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49Trump. Everyone thinks things look like Trump at the moment.
0:35:49 > 0:35:52Yes. She says she can see...
0:35:59 > 0:36:00She added:
0:36:05 > 0:36:08Christians in China have been told to replace images of Christ
0:36:08 > 0:36:10with photos of President Xi Jinping.
0:36:10 > 0:36:14Anyone who dares refuse are given the harshest sentence possible -
0:36:14 > 0:36:16double shifts at the iPhone factory.
0:36:17 > 0:36:18Obi-Wan Kenobi.
0:36:18 > 0:36:22Someone on the internet replaced his mother's picture of Jesus
0:36:22 > 0:36:25with a picture of the young Obi-Wan Kenobi.
0:36:25 > 0:36:26The prankster's brother
0:36:26 > 0:36:29posted something on a social media landfill site called Reddit.
0:36:37 > 0:36:40- Brilliant.- Let's see it.
0:36:45 > 0:36:48They've all replaced an image of Jesus apart from
0:36:48 > 0:36:50a koi carp in Manchester who looks like Jesus.
0:36:50 > 0:36:51He doesn't!
0:36:53 > 0:36:56- It's a miracle.- It isn't!
0:36:58 > 0:37:00It's a miracle the story ever made the papers.
0:37:00 > 0:37:02- Some people...- Lots of people.
0:37:02 > 0:37:05..like Paul, weren't convinced of Carl the koi carp's
0:37:05 > 0:37:06resemblance to Jesus,
0:37:06 > 0:37:08but then the scales fell from their eyes.
0:37:09 > 0:37:12Obviously the fish isn't actually Jesus.
0:37:12 > 0:37:14If he was Jesus he'd be on top of the water.
0:37:15 > 0:37:17Greggs have provoked controversy
0:37:17 > 0:37:19by replacing the baby Jesus with a sausage roll.
0:37:19 > 0:37:21Here's the picture.
0:37:21 > 0:37:23Mary and Joseph aren't there,
0:37:23 > 0:37:25they are away in a Pret a Manger.
0:37:25 > 0:37:26Yes!
0:37:29 > 0:37:32Time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:37:32 > 0:37:36which this week features as its guest publication Frog Log.
0:37:36 > 0:37:40I don't know if you've reddit, reddit, reddit.
0:37:41 > 0:37:43We start with...
0:37:47 > 0:37:49Having a party!
0:37:50 > 0:37:51What a boring answer!
0:37:53 > 0:37:54Baking a special cake.
0:37:54 > 0:37:57- Getting there. - Buy a cake with 101 candles on it.
0:37:57 > 0:38:00- Yeah, well...- 202 candles.
0:38:05 > 0:38:09Phyllis Jones and Irene Crump nearly set the house on fire
0:38:09 > 0:38:13when they insisted on having 101 candles on each of their cakes.
0:38:13 > 0:38:14Here they are.
0:38:17 > 0:38:19- Well done! - The pair even had a stripper,
0:38:19 > 0:38:21although it turned out to be a real fireman who was just too hot.
0:38:23 > 0:38:25The Metro put the blame on...
0:38:27 > 0:38:30Don't call them that, they've lived through two World Wars.
0:38:30 > 0:38:32Next, what...?
0:38:34 > 0:38:36Brexit.
0:38:38 > 0:38:41Whether Eileen Jenkins was a goer or not.
0:38:42 > 0:38:44- She was.- She was.
0:38:49 > 0:38:50- Brexit!- This is the news...
0:38:50 > 0:38:53You don't half go on about it at the Beeb, don't you?
0:38:53 > 0:38:57This is the news that a decisive battle in Anglo-Saxon history
0:38:57 > 0:39:01may have taken place under what is now a lay-by near Doncaster.
0:39:01 > 0:39:04Historians believe the winning tactic for King Athelstan
0:39:04 > 0:39:07involved cutting off the enemy's supply lines by ransacking
0:39:07 > 0:39:10the Wild Bean Cafe at Junction 14.
0:39:12 > 0:39:13Next...
0:39:16 > 0:39:17- STEPH:- Fart.
0:39:18 > 0:39:20- Eat each other. - Yes!
0:39:23 > 0:39:26This is from an article in Frog Log, believe it or not,
0:39:26 > 0:39:29which also revealed the bigger the frog, the more likely it was
0:39:29 > 0:39:31to have cannibalistic tendencies.
0:39:31 > 0:39:33Here's the photographic evidence.
0:39:34 > 0:39:36I prefer a toad in the hole, myself.
0:39:38 > 0:39:39Next...
0:39:42 > 0:39:43Psychiatrist.
0:39:51 > 0:39:54She goes over the edge quite easily, doesn't she?
0:39:54 > 0:39:57Delia Smith believes restaurant food has become too poncey.
0:39:57 > 0:40:00Also this week, the TV cook was made a Companion of Honour by the Queen,
0:40:00 > 0:40:04unsurprisingly, as she has written Her Majesty's favourite recipe book,
0:40:04 > 0:40:06Cooking For One.
0:40:08 > 0:40:09Finally...
0:40:13 > 0:40:14Wife number eight.
0:40:16 > 0:40:18She can't stand him.
0:40:25 > 0:40:28This is Ron Sheppard looking for wife number nine.
0:40:28 > 0:40:30He's previously been married to...
0:40:35 > 0:40:38I think we can pinpoint the moment when he discovered the internet.
0:40:40 > 0:40:42APPLAUSE
0:40:45 > 0:40:47So, the final scores are...
0:40:47 > 0:40:49..Paul and Jo have six, but this week's winners
0:40:49 > 0:40:52are Ian and Steph with eight.
0:40:52 > 0:40:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:40:57 > 0:41:00And I leave you with news that in Somerset,
0:41:00 > 0:41:03in an attempt to emulate Boris Johnson's success with Boris Bikes,
0:41:03 > 0:41:06Jacob Rees-Mogg launches his own version.
0:41:08 > 0:41:11After a two-month trip overseas, one MP saunters back into the office
0:41:11 > 0:41:14not realising the rules have changed.
0:41:19 > 0:41:22And at Beijing Zoo, a panda feels a sudden rush of empathy
0:41:22 > 0:41:25for a creature forced to mate against her will.
0:41:30 > 0:41:31Goodnight.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33APPLAUSE