0:00:30 > 0:00:34APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42I'm Katherine Ryan. In the news this week...
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Looking to boost her public profile in 2018,
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Labour's Emily Thornberry doesn't hold back
0:00:47 > 0:00:49at the Strictly Come Dancing auditions.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52MUSIC PLAYS
0:00:57 > 0:01:00At a department store in Leicester, there's evidence that the boss' son
0:01:00 > 0:01:03may not be taking his work experience seriously enough.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09And in London, there are fears the RSPCA
0:01:09 > 0:01:11may have developed a paramilitary wing.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21APPLAUSE
0:01:21 > 0:01:25On Ian's team tonight, a writer and co-presenter of Pointless
0:01:25 > 0:01:27whose many talents include TV production,
0:01:27 > 0:01:29appearing on quiz shows and pretending to enjoy
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Alexander Armstrong's Christmas album.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34- Please welcome Richard Osman!- Hiya.
0:01:34 > 0:01:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:38 > 0:01:40And with Paul tonight, an actor and comedian
0:01:40 > 0:01:43whose Fringe show was described as one of the most breathtaking
0:01:43 > 0:01:44monologues you'll see in Edinburgh.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Well, unless you've ever tried to pay a Scottish taxi driver
0:01:47 > 0:01:48with an English tenner.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Please welcome Desiree Burch.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:55 > 0:01:57And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Paul and Desiree, take a look at this.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01Ah, yes, a town crier.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03This is about one of the happier unions
0:02:03 > 0:02:05between this country and America.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07There's the Royal Family out on a night out.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Yeah, this is good news for the Royal Family
0:02:10 > 0:02:13and royal watchers that Prince Harry and Meghan, is it...?
0:02:13 > 0:02:15- Yeah.- ..are getting married next year.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18You must be the only person who doesn't know her name.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Yeah, I kind of sort of haven't been following it, to be honest.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24- Meghan something.- Markle.- Really?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Yes, she's Chancellor of Germany.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29- Ah! - LAUGHTER
0:02:29 > 0:02:32And she's also a little old lady detective who solves crimes.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33Oh, yes.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- He's getting married to Margaret Rutherford.- Yeah!
0:02:36 > 0:02:37So, yeah, they're getting married in May
0:02:37 > 0:02:39because there's a baby due in April.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- His brother is having a baby. - His brother's having a baby?
0:02:45 > 0:02:49- They've moved on! - Quite progressive now.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Exactly, yes. William and the one he's married to.
0:02:51 > 0:02:56- He's married to Poirot.- Poirot! That's the one, Poirot, yeah.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57How have you avoided this big news?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Well, because I don't live next door to them,
0:02:59 > 0:03:02I can sort of just turn the TV off when it comes on.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06I know it's not the way to sort of normally approach a news quiz,
0:03:06 > 0:03:07but, er...
0:03:07 > 0:03:11You don't feel like partaking in their joy?
0:03:11 > 0:03:12- No.- No.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Some people have said, "There's other things going on in the world,
0:03:16 > 0:03:19"why are people going on about it?" I genuinely think, as a country,
0:03:19 > 0:03:21we've seen that little boy grow up and he lost his mum.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23And he's turned into this rather mischievous, naughty,
0:03:23 > 0:03:26sort of funny, kind boy and he's obviously met someone lovely
0:03:26 > 0:03:29and is getting married. And I think, if you can't take a bit of joy
0:03:29 > 0:03:30at that, what can you take joy at?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33That's nice, Richard. APPLAUSE
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Can I just say, you've all lost your edge.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39LAUGHTER
0:03:39 > 0:03:40I'm disappointed in you.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45- It's just nice that it's not Brexit or Trump.- Yeah.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49- I know that's the next two rounds, but...- It's everything else.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52It's a short break. It's a fantasy holiday.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- So is that the right answer?- It is!
0:03:55 > 0:03:57This is further evidence of the acceptance
0:03:57 > 0:03:59of minority ethnic people,
0:03:59 > 0:04:03as a beautiful American actress is set to wed a ginger person.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07So here's the thing I don't get,
0:04:07 > 0:04:10because when I was reading all of the million stories about them,
0:04:10 > 0:04:12it said that they met on a blind date.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15How do you go on a blind date with a prince?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17It's like, "OK, so tell me more about him."
0:04:17 > 0:04:20"Well, OK, he's a redhead, I know you like that."
0:04:20 > 0:04:23And then it's like "What does he do for a living?"
0:04:23 > 0:04:24"Well, he was in the military
0:04:24 > 0:04:27"but then he's now just kind of living off the state."
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Well, in America, they had an entire reality show,
0:04:32 > 0:04:34something to the effect of Who Wants To Marry Harry?
0:04:34 > 0:04:37And they had all these women, bachelor-style,
0:04:37 > 0:04:40vying for the tiara.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42And they just stuck in any old random ginger actor
0:04:42 > 0:04:44and they believed it was him!
0:04:46 > 0:04:48They were like, "I think I'm the one to be the princess,
0:04:48 > 0:04:51"I really like Harry." They didn't know.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52I lost a long-standing bet
0:04:52 > 0:04:56that he was going to get married to a Kardashian. I'm gutted!
0:04:56 > 0:04:59I thought it would've been lovely to unite the two great houses.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Which one do you feel like he'd marry?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Um... Name them for me.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Obviously the press devoted a lot of pages to the story.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12The Mail went with, "The Stars Were All Aligned".
0:05:12 > 0:05:15The Express went with, "The Look Of Love".
0:05:15 > 0:05:17The Sun, "She's The One!"
0:05:17 > 0:05:19But The Star went with,
0:05:19 > 0:05:20"Let's All Have It Orf!"
0:05:23 > 0:05:25- What is that?- It's a posh way of saying "off".
0:05:25 > 0:05:27- It's orf.- Let's have it o-o-rf.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29They're suggesting a bank holiday, which we're not going to have.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31- Oh, really?- Yeah, seems a shame.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34I tell you what, you'll have the day off if you get invited, though.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- This would be a good place to pitch for that.- Yeah.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39You've done a very good pronunciation of "orf".
0:05:39 > 0:05:44Yeah. Somehow I feel my invite won't be on the way.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47So, wait, you get a holiday when royals get married?
0:05:47 > 0:05:49You get to have the day off to watch it on television?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51- That's why we've got them.- Ah!
0:05:51 > 0:05:53It's not always a day off.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55But Theresa May could have let us have a holiday, anyway,
0:05:55 > 0:05:56like the whole week off,
0:05:56 > 0:06:00because she won't be around in the spring to worry about it, anyway.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03How did Jeremy Corbyn express his delight at the news?
0:06:03 > 0:06:06He sang. # Oh, Meghan Merkel... #
0:06:06 > 0:06:09LAUGHTER
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Oh, I'm just hearing an invitation being ripped up.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Jeremy Corbyn tried to express his delight at the news,
0:06:17 > 0:06:20but he was betrayed by typical BBC anti-Corbyn bias.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22When he meant to say how much he admired Harry and his brother,
0:06:22 > 0:06:25the subtitles machine had Corbyn as saying,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28"He really admired Harry and Hezbollah."
0:06:28 > 0:06:30LAUGHTER
0:06:35 > 0:06:37How did Meghan's closest childhood friend
0:06:37 > 0:06:39cooperate with the Daily Mail to add to Meghan's joy?
0:06:39 > 0:06:40She accepted the cheque.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Yeah.
0:06:42 > 0:06:43And then the friend said...
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- I mean, with friends like that, though...- Yeah.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01- ..who needs enemies? - That's mean, isn't it?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Well, but I feel like probably a lot of your friends
0:07:03 > 0:07:05that you don't realise are like that,
0:07:05 > 0:07:08and they're your friends until you're engaged to a prince.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10I do think you have a slight outsider's view on this.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11Most people in this country,
0:07:11 > 0:07:14if you said you're engaged to a member of the Royal Family,
0:07:14 > 0:07:15they'd go, "Oh, I am sorry."
0:07:17 > 0:07:20And her friends are watching the wrong princess movies!
0:07:20 > 0:07:21It's not about getting the man.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22Look at Frozen.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25It's a feminist film about a woman finding her own way
0:07:25 > 0:07:26in the world of making ice.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Oh, let it go.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30LAUGHTER
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Let's get down to some important details. How did Harry propose?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35They were having a chicken.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36- Ah, chicken!- Yeah.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Essentially, they'd dialled out for a Nando's is essentially what it is.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Yeah. Yes, according to Meghan, he went down on one knee...
0:07:45 > 0:07:46OVER a roast chicken?!
0:07:49 > 0:07:53- It's the typical British custom to kneel over a roast chicken.- Yes.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- Drop the dinner on the floor then propose!- Yeah.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58She's like, "But I wanted that!"
0:07:58 > 0:08:00And they say, "Cheeky marriage?"
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- I never would've guessed.- And then to get the ring, you go in...
0:08:07 > 0:08:09According to Harper's Bazaar, which special rule of the Queen's
0:08:09 > 0:08:12did Meghan Markle break at the engagement photoshoot?
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Oh, she didn't kill a swan?
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- Hates that, the Queen, doesn't she?- Yes.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21They're supposed to wear tights, and Meghan wasn't wearing them.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Supposed to wear tights?
0:08:23 > 0:08:24What a ludicrous rule!
0:08:24 > 0:08:27You mustn't believe anything written about the Royal Family.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31I mean, royal correspondents, on the whole, know nothing.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- Hm.- At all. So they just make it up.
0:08:33 > 0:08:39"A rule since 1582 - all royal women must put swans on their heads."
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- It's just drivel! I mean, literally drivel.- Yeah.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45- I've never heard such rubbish.- OK.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46Harper's BIZARRE.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49What does the immediate future hold for Meghan?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- Cleaning a chicken stain off the kitchen floor.- Yeah!
0:08:52 > 0:08:55They've got to decide whose to go to for Christmas.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Is it Balmoral or is it...?
0:08:59 > 0:09:03- Where's she from?- Well, she's from LA and her dad lives in Mexico,
0:09:03 > 0:09:07- so definitely go see her side of the family for the holidays.- Yeah.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09I imagine they'll be going to Balmoral, that's my guess.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12- Yes.- I imagine the Queen will have put her foot down.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16- MANCUNIAN ACCENT:- "You're coming to Balmoral with us, all right?"
0:09:16 > 0:09:20"I told you 14 times, you're not going to Mexico!"
0:09:24 > 0:09:27"Right, put on a paper hat and pretend you're enjoying yourself."
0:09:27 > 0:09:29I love the fact that the Royal Family
0:09:29 > 0:09:31put on crowns on Christmas Day!
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Well, Meghan will get to see it all.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37She'll have to spend Christmas with the entire Royal Family
0:09:37 > 0:09:40at Sandringham, where, according to The Telegraph...
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Maybe they'll play a board game? Pointless, maybe, Richard?
0:09:46 > 0:09:49The board game is not great, I'm going to be honest with you.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53It's not brilliant.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56That's the first non-advert I've ever heard!
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Meghan is a big fan of Pointless, did you know that?
0:09:59 > 0:10:00No, I did not know that.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Here she is on an American chat show appearance,
0:10:02 > 0:10:05where she insisted on this as her walk-on music.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Please welcome the lovely Meghan Markle, everybody!
0:10:07 > 0:10:10POINTLESS THEME TUNE PLAYS
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Wow! You look sensational!
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Are you allowed to say that on television?
0:10:19 > 0:10:21She seems to have forgotten to wear her trousers.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25The audience were obviously very disappointed
0:10:25 > 0:10:27that it wasn't Richard walking out on stage.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- Oh, yeah, they'd have loved that! - It's the Pointless music!
0:10:30 > 0:10:33I know it is. I'm ready to go, I'm ready to record four shows,
0:10:33 > 0:10:37- let's do it!- Well, she does look sensational, she looks sensational.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38Yeah, she does look fantastic.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41I don't understand how you get the right balance of nutrients
0:10:41 > 0:10:44to be that thin but have that much glossy hair.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46I can fill you in.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54- She's so glossy, like a panther! - Yeah.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56She's just stunning, isn't she?
0:10:56 > 0:10:57She probably has oilers.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59- She's oiled.- Have you ever seen this show before?
0:11:05 > 0:11:10This is very happy news that Prince Harry is to marry his first wife.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Meghan Markle's Instagram site proudly displays
0:11:15 > 0:11:17her feminist credentials with this motto.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25In a way, she has smashed through a glass ceiling.
0:11:25 > 0:11:2730 years ago, Prince Philip would have been making jokes
0:11:27 > 0:11:30about people of colour, now he's got one in the Secret Santa.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Ian and Richard, take a look at this.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36There's a turkey.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42- That's the internet, I presume. - Yeah, Trump.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45His life continues to be a cross between Last Of The Summer Wine
0:11:45 > 0:11:46and The Omen.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49LAUGHTER
0:11:50 > 0:11:53I don't think we should really be talking about Britain First
0:11:53 > 0:11:54because there's only about eight of them,
0:11:54 > 0:11:56so he shouldn't really give 'em publicity.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Brittany First - that's a much more interesting organisation.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02They are a very, very good ferry company and they're...
0:12:03 > 0:12:06They've got a video which is a tour around Saint-Malo,
0:12:06 > 0:12:09which really is... I would recommend...
0:12:09 > 0:12:11- It makes you want to go, doesn't it? - Yeah, I mean, it really does.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14- It captures the atmosphere.- And it's so easy to get there.- Very simple.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18- And I hear the duty free is terrific on the way back as well.- Totally.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21- Well, that seems to cover that, then!- Hm.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24No, and then he...
0:12:24 > 0:12:25I've-I've muted Donald Trump on Twitter,
0:12:25 > 0:12:28which I'd recommend to everybody,
0:12:28 > 0:12:30in much the same way my grandad used to turn his hearing aid off
0:12:30 > 0:12:31when EastEnders came on.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34And it's... So I sort of miss most of what he says
0:12:34 > 0:12:37and it makes my life a much happier place, I have to say,
0:12:37 > 0:12:39cos he's a buffoon of the highest order.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41You could not be on Twitter.
0:12:41 > 0:12:42What, sorry?!
0:12:44 > 0:12:46He's retweeted some stuff in the middle of the night.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Which is what he does. Is that the story?
0:12:48 > 0:12:52It is! Trump retweeted a clip and it was captioned...
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Now, Dutch officials have made it very clear the assailant
0:12:58 > 0:13:00in the video was neither Muslim nor a migrant.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04Other videos had a similar theme and were also questionably labelled.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Who had tweeted these videos in the first place?
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Well, it was this Britain First organisation.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11They're fringe fascists and they put together this stuff.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14But this is what Isis does.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16It gets video clips out of context,
0:13:16 > 0:13:19chops them up and then uses them to try and brainwash people.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21It's doing exactly the same thing.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24And you're the President of the United States and you do that.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Late at night, in your underpants, looking at the television.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29I have no evidence for that.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33- You have no evidence? - That is fake news.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37He's probably wearing pyjamas.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38They're suggesting now,
0:13:38 > 0:13:40because of these things that he retweeted
0:13:40 > 0:13:42and then he had a go at Theresa May as well,
0:13:42 > 0:13:45that they should cancel the State visit.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47My view would be, "Bring it on!"
0:13:47 > 0:13:51Let's have him over here. Let's make THAT a bank holiday.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55- APPLAUSE - Imagine that.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Imagine those streets. Young and old, Muslim, Christian,
0:14:01 > 0:14:05lining every street in Britain, booing an orange racist.
0:14:05 > 0:14:06That would be amazing.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09I saw what you guys did to David Blaine.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11There was a Labour MP that said he should come
0:14:11 > 0:14:15and he should be arrested for inciting racial hatred.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Now, wouldn't that be a story?
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Arresting the President of the United States of America.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22I bet the US wouldn't extradite him, either!
0:14:22 > 0:14:25"Keep him. All yours."
0:14:25 > 0:14:27"We've never heard of him."
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Trump has been condemned for sharing the post
0:14:30 > 0:14:32from all corners of the internet,
0:14:32 > 0:14:35even by loyal pal and sometimes cheerleader Piers Morgan,
0:14:35 > 0:14:37who asked Trump...
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Um, probably just what you were doing when you were editor
0:14:43 > 0:14:46of the Mirror and covered your front page with those unverified photos
0:14:46 > 0:14:48of British soldiers pissing on Iraqis.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Do we have to bring that up about Piers?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53The fact that he was sacked for that,
0:14:53 > 0:14:55I think is, you know...
0:14:55 > 0:14:57- It's history.- What was the story? I can't quite remember the details.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Well...
0:15:02 > 0:15:04They were very unpleasant photographs
0:15:04 > 0:15:06- and they turned out not to be genuine.- Oh!
0:15:06 > 0:15:08And, you know, he'd put them in as editor
0:15:08 > 0:15:11and he was fired, but it was a long time ago
0:15:11 > 0:15:13- and things were different then. - Yeah.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Prime Minister Theresa May released a statement criticising Trump's
0:15:16 > 0:15:19actions and accusing Britain First of peddling lies.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22- How did Trump respond? - He was very rude to her.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26And he said, "You concentrate on the Islamic terror in your midst."
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- He tweeted the wrong Theresa May at first.- Yeah.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31It was another Theresa May. I'm not sure who she is.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35It's a woman with six followers, it's not our Prime Minister.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39- That IS our Prime Minister! - APPLAUSE
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Do you feel that Theresa May needs to stay on the right side of Trump?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Don't we need someone to trade with after Brexit?
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- Oh, we've got loads of people...- OK.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57We're going to re-establish our close ties with the Philippines.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00We've got a big deal coming up with Narnia.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05All you've got to do is find the right wardrobe, we've always said.
0:16:05 > 0:16:06But on the subject of Brexit,
0:16:06 > 0:16:09it looks like the Brexit bill will be 50 billion euros.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Is everybody happy about that? Is this what people voted for?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15They were told a year ago it would be 50 billion.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18And Boris said, "No, we're not going to pay a penny."
0:16:18 > 0:16:21That's a clue, when he says that.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23But it's true, we're not going to pay a penny.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28And that they can go and whistle. Which they then whistled,
0:16:28 > 0:16:31and we came running and gave them a cheque for 50 billion.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34- So wait, this is 50 billion pounds or euros?- About the same thing.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40If you work that out, it's a tiny price to pay.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44That's, like, three bottles of coconut water from Waitrose.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47It was always going to be 50 billion. Everyone knew.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49They could have paid it immediately
0:16:49 > 0:16:51but weren't allowed to because it looked bad.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52"Look, don't do Article 50,
0:16:52 > 0:16:54"give yourself all the time in the world to negotiate.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56"Get the legal stuff out of the way, get that done,
0:16:56 > 0:16:58"and then you start negotiating."
0:16:58 > 0:17:00That's how to negotiate. There's absolutely no reason
0:17:00 > 0:17:02why you can't have a successful Brexit,
0:17:02 > 0:17:03but not the way they're doing it.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05You're wasted in television.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10- I often am, yeah, I am. - APPLAUSE
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Theresa May will hope the final offer on payment will show
0:17:15 > 0:17:18sufficient progress has been made for the EU to begin trade talks,
0:17:18 > 0:17:20but what might scupper this plan?
0:17:20 > 0:17:23This is the next problem, the Irish border.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26But they'll come to some sort of compromise.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28We're very good at that.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Perhaps they'll build a wall and make Bono pay for it.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Even cheaper, just get Jedward to stand there.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40What's the problem with Ireland not having a hard border?
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Because... It's one of the great advances in our lifetime,
0:17:43 > 0:17:45is Ireland doesn't have a hard border
0:17:45 > 0:17:49and the Troubles are over and there's sort of some harmony,
0:17:49 > 0:17:53and the idea that Brexit would break this up is very unpopular.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- Mm-hm.- I can't imagine why.
0:17:55 > 0:17:56And not just in Ireland.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00- Yeah.- So they have to come with some idea,
0:18:00 > 0:18:02an electronic border in the sea,
0:18:02 > 0:18:04um...sounds feasible.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- Also, sounds cool.- Yeah!
0:18:07 > 0:18:09We'll all be microchipped soon.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12My cat has a microchip so that the cat flap only opens for him.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Are you suggesting we microchip
0:18:14 > 0:18:16the entire population of Northern Ireland?
0:18:16 > 0:18:20I'm not suggesting, I'm saying it's coming!
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Back to Trump. What is Donald Trump doing to celebrate Christmas?
0:18:23 > 0:18:27Is this the awful, ugly Christmas decorations?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30I mean, Melania thinks they're very beautiful!
0:18:31 > 0:18:33LAUGHTER
0:18:35 > 0:18:39HEAVY ACCENT: "Oh, no, me, Melania, number one lady of USA."
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Yeah, she's helping to get ready for Christmas.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47But some people say she's not quite captured the festive spirit.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48Let's have a look.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56I mean, if a child drew that in crayon,
0:18:56 > 0:18:58you would take them straight into care.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03I think the look is "Nuclear Winterval".
0:19:03 > 0:19:05I think the look is "Cry For Help"!
0:19:05 > 0:19:08We should do a Kickstarter to go and save her, shouldn't we?
0:19:08 > 0:19:10- Yeah.- Helicopter her out. - The whole thing...
0:19:10 > 0:19:14We don't have a clip of it but there are ballerinas just dancing for her
0:19:14 > 0:19:17as she's stood there. If it were any more Freudian,
0:19:17 > 0:19:20she'd just be in a withered chair in the corner, rocking back and forth.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Just her face - you know that
0:19:22 > 0:19:26that contractually obliged handjob is around the corner. It's just...
0:19:26 > 0:19:28LAUGHTER
0:19:28 > 0:19:32That's probably the best way to do it, when you're around the corner.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Just her weeping into the wall, like, "OK!"
0:19:38 > 0:19:42- She is an innocent gold-digger caught up in a dangerous game.- Yeah.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48- Shall we move away from this troubling subject?- Yeah.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52OK. Someone has genuinely made and sells this online.
0:20:05 > 0:20:10"I am the storm, the great American grizzly."
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Introducing the original Trumpy Bear,
0:20:13 > 0:20:17the fearless super plush American grizzly.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Trumpy Bear was born June 14th,
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Flag Day.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22Just find the secret zipper
0:20:22 > 0:20:26and pull out the American-flag-themed blanket.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29God bless America and God bless Trumpy Bear.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33You know, there's nothing like making you feel like a patriot
0:20:33 > 0:20:36as you pull your country's flag out of a bear's arse.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Does it every time for me.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42- You could hide a gun back there. - It's always about hiding guns.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45They should fix that amendment, the right of bears to be armed.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47- Pretty good.- I would really like one of those bears.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50I'll go on record as saying it, cos it's before Christmas
0:20:50 > 0:20:52and there'll be people at home thinking what to get me.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- You're going to get 75 of those bears now.- I would kind of love one.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57What would you do with a Trumpy Bear?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Oh, I don't know. I'd probably impeach it.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02LAUGHTER
0:21:02 > 0:21:04This is Donald Trump, who has somehow managed to tweet something
0:21:04 > 0:21:07even more stupid and offensive than his own thoughts.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Despite the current Fuhrer, President Trump...
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Oh, wait, no! Whoo! Despite the current FURORE,
0:21:13 > 0:21:15President Trump is still...
0:21:15 > 0:21:18- Fuhrer?! - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:24 > 0:21:27That's the best Freudian slip I've ever seen.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30I read it wrong. Despite the current furore,
0:21:30 > 0:21:32President Trump is still scheduled
0:21:32 > 0:21:34to make a transatlantic trip next year.
0:21:34 > 0:21:35He'll visit Britain first.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Then the EDL, finishing off with the BNP.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42So at the end of that round, it's two points each.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44APPLAUSE
0:21:49 > 0:21:53And so to Round Two - the Picture Spin Quiz.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00BUZZER Desiree.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04This is this really old dumb guy who wants to, like, go in a rocket.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Richard Branson?
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Yes, but even Branson knows that the world is round.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13- And this guy doesn't. - It does say Research Flat Earth,
0:22:13 > 0:22:15so you're saying he thinks the Earth is flat and he's built a rocket
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- to prove it?- To research it. - Uh-huh.- Yes.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20This is the news we'll have to wait a little bit longer to know for sure
0:22:20 > 0:22:23if the Earth is round or flat,
0:22:23 > 0:22:25after an important experiment was postponed.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Who was behind the mission?
0:22:26 > 0:22:30His name's, like, Mad Max or something. But, like, not...
0:22:30 > 0:22:32It's something like that, like Mad...
0:22:32 > 0:22:34- Mad Mike.- There you go.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37What has Mad Mike been up to in his garage recently?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40- Presumably, he's been building a rocket.- Yeah.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Is that not the answer we were looking for?
0:22:44 > 0:22:48- That's the answer.- Oh, brilliant. You're so good.- Thanks.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53He has been building a steam-powered rocket from scrap metal...
0:22:53 > 0:22:54- Steam-powered?- Yes.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00He was meant to launch the rocket, with him in it, last Saturday.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01But why didn't it go to plan?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03He's been sectioned.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07The California Bureau of Land Management
0:23:07 > 0:23:10did not give him the right permits.
0:23:10 > 0:23:11Mike told YouTube...
0:23:22 > 0:23:23I mean, I hate to say it -
0:23:23 > 0:23:25I am starting to lose confidence in Mad Mike.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30How has tech genius Elon Musk
0:23:30 > 0:23:33got into a debate with the Flat Earth Society?
0:23:33 > 0:23:35My son was telling me the other day that the Flat Earth Society
0:23:35 > 0:23:38had a tweet saying, "We're proud to have members around the globe."
0:23:38 > 0:23:41LAUGHTER
0:23:44 > 0:23:46- Genius.- They do.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48I think Elon Musk tweeted, he said,
0:23:48 > 0:23:52"Explain to me, Flat Earth Society, why Mars isn't flat."
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Yes, Elon Musk said...
0:23:56 > 0:23:58To which the Flat Earth Society replied...
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Wow!
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Meanwhile, who was recently discovered
0:24:08 > 0:24:12to have been using witchcraft in modern Britain? And what for?
0:24:12 > 0:24:14- Oh, the water authorities. - Yeah.- There was a story last week,
0:24:14 > 0:24:17about 9 out of 11 water authorities
0:24:17 > 0:24:20still use dowsing rods to try and find water underground.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22The universe is made up of nine tenths of stuff
0:24:22 > 0:24:24they don't even know what it is.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26- They just know there's nine tenths of it.- Yeah?
0:24:26 > 0:24:28So, you know, science is always pushing forward
0:24:28 > 0:24:30and knowledge and stuff. I find it intriguing
0:24:30 > 0:24:31that they're still doing it.
0:24:31 > 0:24:32And quartz powers watches,
0:24:32 > 0:24:35which is why I have metaphysical crystals at home.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38- That empower me to have better skin.- Hm.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Right?
0:24:40 > 0:24:41I dunno.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43I've no idea. Does it work?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45I mean, look at me.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Also, why do the batteries in your remote control last so long?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- What's that all about?- Hm.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Something's going on.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Some people insist the rods move,
0:24:55 > 0:24:58so how can we explain water divining?
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Well, I don't know that we can.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02But it's just interesting that they do it.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05And these are the people who are experts in searching for water,
0:25:05 > 0:25:07so presumably they're getting some kind of result,
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- otherwise they wouldn't bother. - Some people have an explanation.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Some scientists say the rods are made to move
0:25:13 > 0:25:15by subconscious movement of the hand called the...
0:25:17 > 0:25:19That's how Trump tweets, as well.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22So it's just like a water ouija board?
0:25:22 > 0:25:23Yes, it is like a ouija board.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25- Oh, OK.- It explains ouija boards
0:25:25 > 0:25:28and why five million people still watch The One Show.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Don't start having a go at The One Show, come on.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35- I know.- You're better than that. - We appeared in it together.
0:25:35 > 0:25:36It was a magical evening.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Yeah, with Seal. And someone came on just before Seal and said,
0:25:39 > 0:25:42"Seal doesn't shake hands, Seal doesn't shake hands."
0:25:42 > 0:25:44He goes like this.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51- Who's Seal?- Seal is the...is the...
0:25:53 > 0:25:56- You usually know him by his first two names, Lord Privy.- Ah!
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Yes, I'm with you now.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Not every UK company employs water diviners.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06A spokesman for Anglia Water said...
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Though it turns out that's what they call telephones.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:26:24 > 0:26:25BUZZER
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Richard.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31It looks... Well, it's something to do with mansplaining, I assume.
0:26:31 > 0:26:32Explain that to me.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Well, I mean, it's sort of slightly a trap, isn't it?
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Very difficult to score a point on this one.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41Er... There is a class of man who likes to tell you,
0:26:41 > 0:26:43whether you're a man or a woman,
0:26:43 > 0:26:46that you're wrong about something at any given opportunity.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49- Yeah.- Yeah?- This is the news that a new virtual reality project
0:26:49 > 0:26:51has been developed to teach men
0:26:51 > 0:26:53what it's like to be on the other end of mansplaining.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Mansplaining, as you said, Richard,
0:26:55 > 0:26:57is to explain something to someone characteristically...
0:27:01 > 0:27:03It is Richard's job on Pointless.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07That was a joke, Richard.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Oh! Oh. Ah! Damn.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12And do you know what? It was a very, very good one!
0:27:18 > 0:27:20It happens all the time. There's a man near my house,
0:27:20 > 0:27:23who when I'm standing outside waiting for a car,
0:27:23 > 0:27:24my cat is always outside,
0:27:24 > 0:27:28and he came up to me and he said, "Oh, that's a pregnant cat."
0:27:28 > 0:27:32I was like, "Well, it isn't." He said, "Yes, that is a pregnant cat.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34"About four months along. I know, that's a pregnant cat."
0:27:34 > 0:27:37I said, "Well, it isn't. Move it along."
0:27:37 > 0:27:38And he said, "How do YOU know?"
0:27:38 > 0:27:41I said, "Because HE is mine."
0:27:43 > 0:27:45I had him neutered two years ago!
0:27:45 > 0:27:46It's not a pregnant cat!
0:27:46 > 0:27:49It makes me worry what that guy was doing four months ago.
0:27:49 > 0:27:50That's my only worry.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55A lot of times it happens when it's just, you know,
0:27:55 > 0:27:57there's the thing where you've said something
0:27:57 > 0:28:00and then a man, who is not using his listening stick,
0:28:00 > 0:28:02will say the thing that you just said again
0:28:02 > 0:28:04and now everyone's supposed to listen
0:28:04 > 0:28:06because you just said what I said, so I did the work,
0:28:06 > 0:28:08you get the credit - what the hell is that thing?
0:28:08 > 0:28:12That's a similar vein. That is called hepeating.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15According to Nicole Gugliucci on Twitter,
0:28:15 > 0:28:19another phenomenon women experience is that of hepeating or...
0:28:24 > 0:28:28- I call it hepeating.- Yeah. - That's what I call it.- Yeah.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30They love it. They're love it.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32It's good, isn't it,
0:28:32 > 0:28:34cos it's "repeating" but with "he" - I put "he" on the front.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36It's word play, really.
0:28:36 > 0:28:40There's an incredible example of mansplaining
0:28:40 > 0:28:42from Maud Dromgoole on Twitter.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05But it doesn't end there! A man named Tom Joad
0:29:05 > 0:29:08decided to weigh in by replying to Maud's tweet with...
0:29:21 > 0:29:24This is a new virtual reality experience designed to enlighten men
0:29:24 > 0:29:26on what it's like to be a woman in the workplace.
0:29:26 > 0:29:27The team behind the headset
0:29:27 > 0:29:29are also working on a celebrity version.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32Here's one man experiencing what it's like to be Susanna Reid
0:29:32 > 0:29:35presenting Good Morning Britain with Piers Morgan.
0:29:36 > 0:29:37Arrgh!
0:29:38 > 0:29:40Ooh!
0:29:44 > 0:29:47Which means at the end of this round, it's three-all.
0:29:47 > 0:29:49- Wahey!- Three-all!- That's all right.
0:29:49 > 0:29:51APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:29:58 > 0:30:00Time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02Just one between you this week, so fingers on buzzers.
0:30:02 > 0:30:03Your four are...
0:30:03 > 0:30:06The BBC's news bulletin from 18th April, 1930.
0:30:06 > 0:30:09The 6'5" Joyfay giant teddy bear.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11The Middle of the World Monument in Ecuador.
0:30:11 > 0:30:12And Charles the Bald.
0:30:12 > 0:30:14BUZZER
0:30:14 > 0:30:16Ooh!
0:30:16 > 0:30:20- Paul and Desiree.- Sorry about that, what's your name? Ian.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22I've got a feeling that just looking at this thing
0:30:22 > 0:30:24from April 1930, the BBC, wasn't there one day
0:30:24 > 0:30:27in the history of the BBC where they said, "There is no news today"?
0:30:27 > 0:30:30Yeah, and they said, "Listen to some music."
0:30:30 > 0:30:32- Yes, yes. Is that the one? - That is part of it.
0:30:32 > 0:30:35So that's something that the news broadcast that wasn't.
0:30:35 > 0:30:37Charles the Bald presumably wasn't bald.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40A lot of people are called bald who aren't at all.
0:30:40 > 0:30:43- LAUGHTER - Just move your head a minute,
0:30:43 > 0:30:45the light's shining right in my eyes.
0:30:45 > 0:30:46LAUGHTER
0:30:46 > 0:30:48That's probably not the actual middle of the Earth.
0:30:48 > 0:30:51No, that's probably not the middle of the Earth, either,
0:30:51 > 0:30:52but it's the most convenient place
0:30:52 > 0:30:54cos it was near where they made the bricks.
0:30:54 > 0:30:56Charles the Bald is who they named
0:30:56 > 0:30:57the airport after in Paris, isn't it?
0:30:57 > 0:30:59LAUGHTER
0:30:59 > 0:31:01They claim that to be the biggest teddy bear in the world,
0:31:01 > 0:31:03but it probably isn't,
0:31:03 > 0:31:05so it's about things that claim to be what they are but aren't.
0:31:05 > 0:31:07- The teddy bear is the biggest teddy bear.- Yeah.
0:31:07 > 0:31:09BUZZER
0:31:09 > 0:31:11Is the teddy bear the odd one out?
0:31:11 > 0:31:14A 6'5" teddy bear is my Tinder profile.
0:31:14 > 0:31:16It's the only one that fits.
0:31:17 > 0:31:18Are you 6'5" exactly? Like the bear.
0:31:18 > 0:31:21No, I'm 6'7", so it doesn't work at all.
0:31:21 > 0:31:23None of them are as described except for
0:31:23 > 0:31:25the 6'5" Joyfay giant teddy bear,
0:31:25 > 0:31:28but how did the giant bear catch people unaware?
0:31:28 > 0:31:30Richard Osman hopped out of it
0:31:30 > 0:31:32and said, "I'm here for our date."
0:31:32 > 0:31:36"This thing is two inches too small!"
0:31:36 > 0:31:37That's what she said.
0:31:37 > 0:31:39Whoo!
0:31:41 > 0:31:43Here's the promo shot of the normal bear.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46And here's what customers got.
0:31:46 > 0:31:48LAUGHTER
0:31:53 > 0:31:56He's had a rough night, hasn't he?
0:31:56 > 0:31:58That is literally me after a bottle of Baileys.
0:32:00 > 0:32:02It could just be the...
0:32:02 > 0:32:05- That's called man spreading, isn't it?- It is!
0:32:05 > 0:32:07Well done, Ian!
0:32:09 > 0:32:11Here he is, looking quite sexy.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17That might be you, Richard. Is that...?
0:32:17 > 0:32:19Yeah, there are some similarities.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22Who was this bear originally aimed at, which target market?
0:32:22 > 0:32:26Men who want to have sex with bears.
0:32:26 > 0:32:28- Very close.- Very...?
0:32:28 > 0:32:30Women who want to have sex with bears.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32Bears that want to have sex with bears.
0:32:33 > 0:32:35That's just bears, isn't it?
0:32:35 > 0:32:39That is bears. That is bears.
0:32:39 > 0:32:41It was originally a Valentine's gift
0:32:41 > 0:32:45that was kind of a replacement for a boyfriend.
0:32:45 > 0:32:46Back to 2017,
0:32:46 > 0:32:50what did Huw Edwards do for a full four minutes on the News At Ten
0:32:50 > 0:32:52- in June of this year? - Oh, he didn't, did he?!
0:32:54 > 0:32:56- Oh!- He can't stop it.
0:32:56 > 0:32:59You can't fire him as well. He's got something, hasn't he?
0:32:59 > 0:33:01Yeah, he's untouchable.
0:33:01 > 0:33:03- Such a shame.- Yeah.- Well...
0:33:03 > 0:33:04Better leave that one there.
0:33:06 > 0:33:08- Yeah, I wish he would have done. - Yeah, exactly.
0:33:08 > 0:33:10Was it that?
0:33:10 > 0:33:13- No!- Oh.- Did he whistle?
0:33:13 > 0:33:15He did not whistle.
0:33:15 > 0:33:17Was he completely silent?
0:33:17 > 0:33:20That's right, Richard. Huw Edwards did nothing.
0:33:20 > 0:33:22After a technical glitch, he sat there like a lemon.
0:33:22 > 0:33:24Let's have a look at the highlights.
0:33:41 > 0:33:45Tonight at Ten, jobs and prosperity must come first
0:33:45 > 0:33:46in any Brexit deal...
0:33:46 > 0:33:50- It was interesting until he said "Brexit".- Yeah.
0:33:50 > 0:33:51Well, none of them are as described,
0:33:51 > 0:33:54except for the 6'5" Joyfay giant teddy bear.
0:33:54 > 0:33:58On the 18th of April, 1930, a BBC radio announcer actually said,
0:33:58 > 0:34:00"There is no news."
0:34:00 > 0:34:01A day when literally nothing happened?
0:34:01 > 0:34:04Welcome to Canada every single day!
0:34:05 > 0:34:07Which means at the end of this round,
0:34:07 > 0:34:09- it's four-all.- Hm.- Hm.
0:34:17 > 0:34:20Time now for the Missing Words round,
0:34:20 > 0:34:22which this week features as its guest publication
0:34:22 > 0:34:24Pathetic Motorways.
0:34:26 > 0:34:29It's quite a middle-of-the-road publication...
0:34:29 > 0:34:30To start with...
0:34:34 > 0:34:36Is it friendship?
0:34:36 > 0:34:37Aww!
0:34:40 > 0:34:41Kim Kardashian.
0:34:41 > 0:34:42Less ambitious.
0:34:42 > 0:34:44Less ambitious than Kim Kardashian?
0:34:44 > 0:34:45Khloe Kardashian.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49How dare you!
0:34:49 > 0:34:50It is...
0:34:54 > 0:34:57..is an internet myth based on wishful thinking.
0:34:57 > 0:35:01Oh, that has ruined my Friday, I've got to tell you.
0:35:01 > 0:35:02Next.
0:35:07 > 0:35:10Because we really want a Little Chef and a Costa in Wilton Summit.
0:35:12 > 0:35:13We call it the Wilton Summit Motorway
0:35:13 > 0:35:15even though it's not a motorway
0:35:15 > 0:35:17because it certainly does approach the area
0:35:17 > 0:35:18that we know is Wilton Summit
0:35:18 > 0:35:20and although technically it's not a motorway,
0:35:20 > 0:35:22we see it more as a dual carriageway,
0:35:22 > 0:35:24for our magazine we think that's good enough.
0:35:25 > 0:35:27- I mean, that's pretty much it.- Yeah.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31APPLAUSE
0:35:32 > 0:35:34We call it the Wilton Summit Motorway
0:35:34 > 0:35:36even though it's not a motorway because...
0:35:46 > 0:35:47Next.
0:35:51 > 0:35:53Is that Alexander Armstrong?
0:35:53 > 0:35:55You'd love that, wouldn't you, Richard?
0:35:55 > 0:35:57I'm a big fan of his music. And his voice.
0:35:57 > 0:36:00- Oh, don't be ridiculous. - He's got a lovely...
0:36:00 > 0:36:03It is, inexplicably, a cement mixer.
0:36:03 > 0:36:06The mixer is a favourite instrument
0:36:06 > 0:36:10of experimental musician Jean-Herve Peron.
0:36:10 > 0:36:12Let's see him churning out one of his greatest hits.
0:36:12 > 0:36:16MIXER RATTLES AND HUMS
0:36:18 > 0:36:19Has it been tuned?
0:36:20 > 0:36:24- That was God Rest Ye Merry Cemententlemen.- Ah.
0:36:24 > 0:36:25Next.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31Travelling in a rocket to figure out
0:36:31 > 0:36:33if the world's flat or not.
0:36:33 > 0:36:36Staplehurst to Charing Cross, 6:52.
0:36:37 > 0:36:39Yeah, it's got to be a motorway one, hasn't it?
0:36:39 > 0:36:42- The M6 to the M7. - You're right with M.
0:36:42 > 0:36:44LAUGHTER
0:36:44 > 0:36:46One.
0:36:46 > 0:36:48It's the trip down the M180.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51- Oh, we'd have been here a long time. - Yeah.
0:36:52 > 0:36:56This is the M180, which is largely in Lincolnshire, although...
0:37:00 > 0:37:02Only to hear the traditional Yorkshire response,
0:37:02 > 0:37:03"Sod off back to Lincolnshire."
0:37:03 > 0:37:06Finally, anger after...
0:37:06 > 0:37:09- Is that how they talk in Yorkshire? - LAUGHTER
0:37:09 > 0:37:11Well, I can't do the accent...
0:37:11 > 0:37:14"Oh, oh, no, I live in Yorkshire."
0:37:14 > 0:37:16LAUGHTER
0:37:16 > 0:37:19No, I think you're mixing it up with sex offenders.
0:37:19 > 0:37:22Just be lucky that I don't have a Canadian one.
0:37:22 > 0:37:25I really don't. Cos those are bad.
0:37:25 > 0:37:27I'll do the rest of the show in Canadian.
0:37:27 > 0:37:28OK, fair enough.
0:37:28 > 0:37:31BAD CANADIAN ACCENT: Anger after woman is told she can't what on...?
0:37:31 > 0:37:33That's a Yorkshire accent!
0:37:33 > 0:37:36- That's Yorkshire. OK, let's go back to what it was.- OK.
0:37:41 > 0:37:45- RICHARD:- Is it "take a dump on Sunderland"?
0:37:45 > 0:37:47LAUGHTER
0:37:49 > 0:37:50It is...
0:37:57 > 0:37:59Here's Helen Hook with the offending item.
0:37:59 > 0:38:01Oh, she should be allowed to take that on board.
0:38:01 > 0:38:04What is it? Like a Geordie hummus?
0:38:06 > 0:38:09I know it's made with high explosive, I know that.
0:38:09 > 0:38:11That's the only thing I know about it.
0:38:11 > 0:38:14- She's very upset about it, though. - Look how upset she is. She's like,
0:38:14 > 0:38:17"I've got a shot glass of Geordie hummus and I..."
0:38:17 > 0:38:20- RICHARD:- "I was going to dump this all over Sunderland."
0:38:20 > 0:38:21LAUGHTER
0:38:23 > 0:38:25That's the one accent that's my favourite, that I also can't do.
0:38:25 > 0:38:27I'm going to learn it one day.
0:38:27 > 0:38:29It's about the hardest one, the Geordie accent.
0:38:29 > 0:38:33I can go, "Hey-a, hey, it's me, Cheryl Cole.
0:38:33 > 0:38:35"The nation's sweetheart."
0:38:37 > 0:38:40One way of doing it is to be able to mention two Walt Disney characters,
0:38:40 > 0:38:42Mickey Mouse and Pluto.
0:38:42 > 0:38:44LAUGHTER Ohh!
0:38:44 > 0:38:48Or if you're into wrestling, you can do Mick McManus and Kendo Nagasaki.
0:38:48 > 0:38:52- Yeah. Even better, even better. - LAUGHTER
0:38:52 > 0:38:53Kendo Nagasaki.
0:38:55 > 0:38:58And is that why they can't eat solid food, because they have, like, a...?
0:39:00 > 0:39:01Very tight back here.
0:39:01 > 0:39:05So, the final scores are - Paul and Desiree have seven.
0:39:05 > 0:39:06Ian and Richard have five.
0:39:06 > 0:39:09APPLAUSE
0:39:12 > 0:39:16But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.
0:39:16 > 0:39:19Paul and Desiree, this is your Caption Competition.
0:39:19 > 0:39:20Will you marry me?
0:39:20 > 0:39:22Yeah. Right?!
0:39:22 > 0:39:25Chicken rushed to hospital after chef rose out of his arse.
0:39:30 > 0:39:32"I was expecting the American flag!"
0:39:34 > 0:39:38He's a nice chap, but he's got a terrible chick on his shoulder!
0:39:38 > 0:39:40GROANING
0:39:40 > 0:39:44- I don't feel so bad about mine now! - Ian and Richard, have this.
0:39:44 > 0:39:47It's the Government's new affordable housing.
0:39:49 > 0:39:51"I can't wait for our giant teddy bear to turn up."
0:39:51 > 0:39:54LAUGHTER
0:39:54 > 0:39:58That is literally a picture of me and my partner.
0:39:58 > 0:40:02You're like a Great Dane crossed with Stephen Hawking,
0:40:02 > 0:40:04you know? Like...
0:40:09 > 0:40:12That must have been a hell of a romance.
0:40:13 > 0:40:16No, but just, like, really, like, long and lean,
0:40:16 > 0:40:18- but really clever, as well.- Yeah.
0:40:18 > 0:40:22- Is it time for the rest of us to go? - LAUGHTER
0:40:22 > 0:40:25- I thought that was a nice thing to say.- Yeah... Um...
0:40:27 > 0:40:30I tell you what, I'll think of a dog and a scientist who you're like
0:40:30 > 0:40:32and we'll see if that's funny.
0:40:32 > 0:40:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:38 > 0:40:40You're like...
0:40:40 > 0:40:42You're like Marie Curie and a miniature schnauzer.
0:40:44 > 0:40:46And I leave you with news that, in Myanmar,
0:40:46 > 0:40:49after a personal audience with Aung San Suu Kyi,
0:40:49 > 0:40:52Pope Francis insists she listened carefully to all his criticisms.
0:40:57 > 0:40:59In the middle of a recording of Pointless,
0:40:59 > 0:41:02an opportunistic thief makes off with Richard Osman's bicycle.
0:41:02 > 0:41:06LAUGHTER
0:41:06 > 0:41:09I'd like to see a Great Dane riding THAT.
0:41:09 > 0:41:12- Or indeed Stephen Hawking. - LAUGHTER
0:41:12 > 0:41:15And in Italy, Silvio Berlusconi looks to move on
0:41:15 > 0:41:18from past misdemeanours, as he relaunches himself
0:41:18 > 0:41:20as a serious leadership contender.
0:41:23 > 0:41:25Good night.