0:00:29 > 0:00:31APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42I'm Mel Giedroyc. In the news this week,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45shocking footage reveals that not even the management
0:00:45 > 0:00:48at the Sports Direct warehouse get enough time for their lunch break.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02In Saudi Arabia, traditionalists' worst fears are confirmed -
0:01:02 > 0:01:04that letting women drive on the roads
0:01:04 > 0:01:06was just the thin end of the wedge.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13And the BBC's Autumnwatch is inundated with complaints
0:01:13 > 0:01:16as new footage captures all too vividly
0:01:16 > 0:01:18the savage cruelty of nature.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who was recently described
0:01:30 > 0:01:32by one critic as "hamster-cheeked."
0:01:32 > 0:01:34I disagree. I think he's got a lovely bottom.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Please welcome Hal Cruttenden.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38APPLAUSE
0:01:42 > 0:01:44And with Paul tonight is an award-winning writer whose book,
0:01:44 > 0:01:46The Boy With The Topknot,
0:01:46 > 0:01:49follows his parents' lives from rural Punjab to the steps
0:01:49 > 0:01:51of the Wolverhampton tourist office,
0:01:51 > 0:01:54whose staff surely have the toughest job in the world.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Please welcome Sathnam Sanghera.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58APPLAUSE
0:02:01 > 0:02:03And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Paul and Sathnam, take a look at this.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Ah, yes, this is the never-ending story.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10There's... Oh, God, look at him, there he is.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13David Davis. There's a photograph of the DUP.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15And that's a man getting very annoyed.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17He can't believe it. He's just lost out
0:02:17 > 0:02:19on a Kevin Costner lookalike competition.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Yeah, so this is about the Irish border,
0:02:22 > 0:02:24between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28It's got to be sorted out before Sunday, in a couple of days' time,
0:02:28 > 0:02:30- so... And then it will all be all right.- Nice.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31- Sathnam, anything?- So, basically,
0:02:31 > 0:02:35this is Theresa May's latest attempt to make Brexit happen,
0:02:35 > 0:02:40even though she backed Remain, and she's been vetoed by the DUP,
0:02:40 > 0:02:43who are for Brexit, although they represent Northern Ireland,
0:02:43 > 0:02:44which are Remain,
0:02:44 > 0:02:47and the whole thing is being opposed by Jeremy Corbyn,
0:02:47 > 0:02:50who said he was Remain, but actually is probably Brexit.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52So Brexit is just going really well.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55You make that sound incredibly easy.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58It is, as David Davis said.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Is he the thickest man that's ever lived, David Davis?
0:03:01 > 0:03:04- The thickest? - The thickest man that's ever lived.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06I mean, there's probably other thicker people,
0:03:06 > 0:03:07but I can't think of them at the moment.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Did you see his appearance yesterday?
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Well, on Wednesday, it was,
0:03:11 > 0:03:14when he appeared in front of a Parliamentary select committee
0:03:14 > 0:03:16and said, "Oh, no, we haven't done anything. Nothing.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19"I know I said we'd done loads of things, but you know, we haven't."
0:03:19 > 0:03:21- HAL:- I secretly, though...
0:03:21 > 0:03:22No, don't. Keep it a secret.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26- Oh, no.- Oh, sorry.- Were you about to say that you secretly fancy him?
0:03:26 > 0:03:28No, not fancy him.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30I've always quite liked his style, David Davis.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- David Davis?!- I don't know why. - What do you mean, his style?
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I've got a feeling, that whole thing when he's, you know, what is it,
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- all the tests they're meant to be doing?- Impact assessments.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41- Yes.- I've got this feeling that he's doing it to make sure
0:03:41 > 0:03:44we all still have a lovely Christmas and don't see the truth.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Do you know what I mean?
0:03:49 > 0:03:51I just... I just can't think he's got evil intentions.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53And you call DAVIS the thickest man!
0:03:56 > 0:03:58I withdraw my comment.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00I'm not a Tory, by the way, I'd like to point out.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03I'm just sympathetic to all political parties.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04And, um...
0:04:04 > 0:04:05And I thought...
0:04:05 > 0:04:09Sympathetic to all political parties?!
0:04:09 > 0:04:11What have I got here?!
0:04:11 > 0:04:14This is really... This is really bad. I've got a secret...
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Have you not got a secret respect for politicians?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18So what was the fun side of Hitler?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- Look, I'm just... Look, I'm...- Look, he's trying to be nice.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24- Come on! Come on!- He just seems like quite a nice man.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27- He had a very bad day, even if you like him.- He did.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29- SATHNAM:- I think his argument was that Parliament
0:04:29 > 0:04:31was asking for impact assessments,
0:04:31 > 0:04:36but, actually, what he had was sectoral analysis,
0:04:36 > 0:04:38so therefore he didn't have to produce it.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40And it's a bit like saying,
0:04:40 > 0:04:42"I haven't produced the homework, because you call it homework,
0:04:42 > 0:04:44"but I call it humwork."
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Even the stuff he had -
0:04:50 > 0:04:52he said there's some enormous document,
0:04:52 > 0:04:55and that he's only read the start of it and then gave up.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59It's understandable, though, cos Brexit is really boring, you know?
0:04:59 > 0:05:00For me, more than anything else,
0:05:00 > 0:05:03it feels like a really long Indian wedding, you know?
0:05:03 > 0:05:08You've been stuck in a marquee in Luton for five days.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12Your uncles are talking about the buy-to-let market,
0:05:12 > 0:05:14there's another five days to go,
0:05:14 > 0:05:17and basically you will do anything to get out of it,
0:05:17 > 0:05:19up to and including agreeing to Brexit.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23So, is it like a long Indian divorce, then?
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- Oh, we don't divorce.- Oh, right.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30This is indeed news that arguments about boring old Brexit,
0:05:30 > 0:05:31as you said,
0:05:31 > 0:05:35have been overshadowed by arguments about scary old Northern Ireland.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38It all came up at lunch. I mean...
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Really? Very unpleasant!
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Jean-Claude... Bleurgh!
0:05:43 > 0:05:45It was a celebratory lunch, and in the middle of it,
0:05:45 > 0:05:47she gets a phone call and says,
0:05:47 > 0:05:49"Oh, sorry, you know I said over the starters
0:05:49 > 0:05:51"that I've agreed everything? I haven't.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53"We're going home."
0:05:54 > 0:05:57And that was it. Arlene Foster phoned up, said "No,"
0:05:57 > 0:05:59which is a traditional Northern Irish greeting.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05My wife is from the Northern Ireland Unionist community,
0:06:05 > 0:06:10and I would warn Theresa May, you do not mess with these people.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14I just... I've so many times had my plans smashed. Um...
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- Like what, Hal, like what?- "Can I go for a curry with Marcus and Simon?"
0:06:19 > 0:06:21"No!" You know, it's...
0:06:21 > 0:06:25I just think Theresa's going to end up sleeping on the couch.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Does anyone know,
0:06:28 > 0:06:32what's the difference between no regulatory divergence
0:06:32 > 0:06:34and continued regulatory alignment?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Divergence is what the DUP fear
0:06:36 > 0:06:40in thinking that Northern Ireland might be different in some way
0:06:40 > 0:06:43from the rest of the UK, which it is in lots of other ways
0:06:43 > 0:06:44which they don't mind in the slightest.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47There's different laws there, there's different regulations there,
0:06:47 > 0:06:49not least the libel laws.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- This is interesting now! - It's great. This is great.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55The DUP want to be close to the UK on this issue,
0:06:55 > 0:06:58but they don't on things like gay marriage and abortion,
0:06:58 > 0:07:01and things that might drag them out of the 1950s.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Sorry, but I just said that to stick it to the in-laws, really.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07But, no, I do...
0:07:07 > 0:07:08APPLAUSE
0:07:09 > 0:07:13- How's Christmas looking?- Yes! - Awkward, yes.- Yes.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16I might get very ill and not be able to go.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Now, the Foreign Secretary,
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Boris Johnson, made an official visit to Ireland last month.
0:07:21 > 0:07:27How did Boris's Foreign Office officials brief the Irish government in advance?
0:07:27 > 0:07:28He's an idiot.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31- It's pretty much on the nose, actually, Paul.- Yeah.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Yeah, according to Sky News, they told the Irish...
0:07:38 > 0:07:40That's his own office!
0:07:40 > 0:07:41So good.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Who else is losing faith in Boris?
0:07:44 > 0:07:46- Is it his dad?- Yes!
0:07:46 > 0:07:47- Oh!- Absolutely.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51Apparently, the first thing he said on emerging from the Celebrity jungle was...
0:07:55 > 0:07:59What, according to The Times, is Theresa May's fundamental problem?
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- I should know this, given I work for The Times.- Yeah, come on, Sathnam!
0:08:02 > 0:08:04I have no idea.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- Fudge.- Oh!
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Fudge. She's been trying to fudge her way through the EU negotiations.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12- That's what negotiations are, aren't they?- Exactly.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14You know she's diabetic? And that's...
0:08:16 > 0:08:19..a slightly unfortunate thing to pick up on.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21- There'll be a fudge. - There'll be a fudge.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Just wait till this is on Dave - this will all be lovely.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26What do the Labour Party think should be done
0:08:26 > 0:08:28in these EU negotiations?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30They think they should keep very, very quiet,
0:08:30 > 0:08:34in case anyone notices that they haven't got an idea, either.
0:08:34 > 0:08:35You're absolutely right.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39They're not saying anything, and according to the Telegraph...
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Oh, dear!
0:08:51 > 0:08:54I think John McDonnell will be visiting them with his ice pick.
0:08:54 > 0:09:01Um... Who is the real architect of this whole sorry ruddy mess?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03- Cameron.- David Cameron, yeah. Dave. Cambo.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06He decided to gamble the country's future on a referendum,
0:09:06 > 0:09:10- just to settle a pathetic argument in his mental party.- Yeah.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:16 > 0:09:20I think we send the letters about BBC bias to you.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Here he is, back in July 2016
0:09:25 > 0:09:28walking away after lighting the blue touchpaper.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Thank you very much.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41# Doo doo doo doo! #
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Right.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46There's a book written by Tim Shipman
0:09:46 > 0:09:48called Fall Out, which is about David Cameron, and...
0:09:59 > 0:10:00He's more interested in...
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Urrgh!
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Oh, he's a great loss, isn't he?
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Would you like to see a baby that looks like David Cameron?
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- Yeah, absolutely.- Yeah? Come on, here we go. There we go!
0:10:23 > 0:10:24Aww!
0:10:28 > 0:10:30That is Bobby Carter there,
0:10:30 > 0:10:32a little baby who's been in the news this week
0:10:32 > 0:10:34for his exceptional head of Cameron-esque hair.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Fantastic hair!
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Who is still raking it in from the EU?
0:10:39 > 0:10:42- PAUL AND SATHNAM:- Nigel Farage. - Oh, in unison, team!- Oh, yeah.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- He's got a pension now, hasn't he? - Yes, do you know how much?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Oh, £67,000 a year.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49- 73,000.- 73, yeah.- 73?
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Do we play higher and lower?
0:10:52 > 0:10:54He thinks his family shouldn't suffer,
0:10:54 > 0:10:58so he's very kindly decided to take this pension from the EU.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02- Yes.- I don't remember that figure on the side of the bus, do you?
0:11:04 > 0:11:10I hardly dare ask this, but, Hal, do you quite like Nigel Farage?
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Do you know what, can I say one thing about Nigel Farage?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16He has the voice of an angel, doesn't he?
0:11:16 > 0:11:20- It's quite gravelly. - There's something about his voice.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Do angels have particularly gravelly voices?
0:11:23 > 0:11:25- IN COCKNEY ACCENT: - "Mary, you're going to have a baby,
0:11:25 > 0:11:28"do you know what I mean?
0:11:28 > 0:11:31"Now, Joseph, he ain't the father, but, you know, keep him sweet,
0:11:31 > 0:11:33"keep him sweet.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35"He's going to be the son of God, you're going to call him Jesus.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36"Must go."
0:11:36 > 0:11:38APPLAUSE
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Um, although, news just in,
0:11:44 > 0:11:46the Government has just proposed a new draft agreement,
0:11:46 > 0:11:49and they are discussing it with the DUP as we speak.
0:11:49 > 0:11:50Has it all been settled?
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Oh, thank goodness for that. All that cynicism.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Quite right. Good old Mrs May, sorted it out.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02The EU Commission said talks would continue into the night, adding,
0:12:02 > 0:12:05"Tonight, more than ever, stay tuned."
0:12:05 > 0:12:08This is Theresa May's attempt to ruin the Good Friday Agreement
0:12:08 > 0:12:11with the Really Bad Monday Agreement.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15A senior DUP figure said...
0:12:20 > 0:12:21Ooh!
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Well, to be fair, when talking about Brexit,
0:12:25 > 0:12:28that's just about the only way you can stay awake.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31After Nigel Farage revealed that he intends to claim his EU pension
0:12:31 > 0:12:35of £73,000 a year, he denied he was a hypocrite, saying...
0:12:39 > 0:12:40So, in the festive spirit,
0:12:40 > 0:12:43let's pull out his giblets and shove an onion up his arse.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52Ian and Hal, take a look at this.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Yes, this is people logging into important sites.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Private. That's a magazine with one word left off it.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Never seen it.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Oh, here we are. It's the police.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Time to invade the House of Commons.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06This is how policing in Britain works.
0:13:06 > 0:13:11A man was apparently accessing porn nine years ago, legally,
0:13:11 > 0:13:13and the police found this out, waited,
0:13:13 > 0:13:16and then released the information, which was confidential,
0:13:16 > 0:13:19into the public domain later for their own purposes.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21The policeman was called Bob Quick,
0:13:21 > 0:13:24which given he took nine years to report this is...
0:13:25 > 0:13:27- It's also slightly... - ..quite amusing.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- It's also slightly pornographic, Bob Quick, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33- It's what you need to be if you're watching porn at work.- Yes!
0:13:35 > 0:13:37No, you're absolutely right, Ian and Hal.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40This is the ongoing scandal over claims pornography was found
0:13:40 > 0:13:42on Damian Green's House of Commons computer.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Neil Lewis, who was responsible for seizing and analysing
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Green's computer at the time, sparked controversy this week
0:13:48 > 0:13:50after disclosing confidential information
0:13:50 > 0:13:52gathered during the investigation.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53What did he say?
0:13:53 > 0:13:57- He said there was loads of porn on the machine.- More specific?
0:13:57 > 0:13:59- Quite extreme porn?- More specific?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Animal porn?
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Was it European porn?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Chessington World Of Adventure?
0:14:08 > 0:14:11He said - according to the Mail, anyway -
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Lewis said he found...
0:14:16 > 0:14:17- Which...- Ooh!
0:14:17 > 0:14:19..does sound a bit weird,
0:14:19 > 0:14:22but if it's what you're into, and it's not harming anyone,
0:14:22 > 0:14:23then I'm cool with that.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Why are Damian Green's troubles
0:14:25 > 0:14:27particularly difficult for Theresa May?
0:14:27 > 0:14:31- She was very good friends with him at university.- Yeah.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Erm... That's it, isn't it?
0:14:33 > 0:14:37- Ooh, she's very close to him politically.- Absolutely.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39So...if he isn't fired,
0:14:39 > 0:14:42people might say it's because he is her good friend.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45A Cabinet source told the Sunday Times...
0:14:56 > 0:14:59- I bet that was on one of the videos! - Yes!
0:15:01 > 0:15:02Sorry.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Who came out in defence of Damian Green?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Is this David Davis?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10- Yeah.- Yeah, that was a story that he said,
0:15:10 > 0:15:12- "If you fire him, I'll resign."- Yes.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16A lot of people said he was just looking for an excuse to resign.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Labour responded to Davis' intervention. What did they say?
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Um...
0:15:22 > 0:15:23Jess Phillips.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25- Jess Phillips.- Jess Phillips. - Jess Phillips.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28She mocked Davis's stance, tweeting...
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Oh!
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Jess has really lowered the tone. I do apologise.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47And we should say that Damian Green is adamant he has...
0:15:51 > 0:15:56How might Jeremy Corbyn find himself near some pornography very soon?
0:15:56 > 0:16:01Oh, you mean if GQ is displayed on the top shelf?
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Yes, he's on the cover of GQ.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07This is Jeremy Corbyn. Ding-dong, Jeremy!
0:16:07 > 0:16:08Look at that!
0:16:08 > 0:16:12Do you think that's his real body, or have they superimposed his head?
0:16:12 > 0:16:14- SATHNAM:- He does come out very well, doesn't he?
0:16:14 > 0:16:16A very attractive man.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Do you think he's been airbrushed?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21I think he might have been a little touched up.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23- Do you want to have a look at the original picture?- Yes.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24There we go.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34According to editor Dylan Jones, taking the picture was...
0:16:37 > 0:16:38Dylan Jones, by the way,
0:16:38 > 0:16:41wrote the most sycophantic book about David Cameron
0:16:41 > 0:16:44- in the history of sycophantic books. - He's a bit of a right-winger, yeah.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46- HAL:- Do you think they did it hoping it would backfire,
0:16:46 > 0:16:49- so they did him up, thought they'd make him look ridiculous...- Oh, no!
0:16:49 > 0:16:51..and actually he turns out to be a bit of a stunner?
0:16:51 > 0:16:53It's a strange editorial approach,
0:16:53 > 0:16:56putting people on the cover just to laugh at them. Really? I mean...
0:16:59 > 0:17:02- There's no future in that. - It'll never work.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08What might have particularly annoyed Corbyn this week?
0:17:08 > 0:17:10We know that he does like to travel by train.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11Rail fares going up.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13You're absolutely right.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- Rail fare rises.- Yeah, they've gone up again!
0:17:16 > 0:17:20They've gone up again by an average of 3.4%.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Way above inflation.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23Were you "rrrrr" about that, Ian?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Rrrrrr! Yeah!
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Rrrr! Brexit! Rrrrr!
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Trains. Rrr-rrrrr!
0:17:30 > 0:17:32- Yeah, it was announced...- That's Popeye you were doing then!
0:17:32 > 0:17:36You can add that to your list of impersonations!
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Popeye, Gladstone, Gracie Fields - he can do all of 'em!
0:17:39 > 0:17:43And finally, which train service is worth paying for?
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Um, little clue...
0:17:45 > 0:17:48LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT: Oh, come on, let's go down...
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- Thomas The Tank Engine!- Thank you. - Thomas The Tank Engine
0:17:51 > 0:17:53- came into the station.- That's right.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- Brilliant!- Yes, Thomas The Tank Engine.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57No, that's not me. I'm miming to this bloke over here.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00It is Thomas The Tank Engine,
0:18:00 > 0:18:02who just gets better and better.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- Yeah, they've introduced a lot of new characters to make it more realistic.- Yes.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09There's Ronnie The Replacement Bus.
0:18:14 > 0:18:19- It's got better. There's lots of new and modern...- Yes. There's also something marvellous.- ..twists.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20I don't know if you've seen it.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24It's some people called Five Mad Movie Makers, they're on YouTube,
0:18:24 > 0:18:27and it went viral this week. Have a look at this.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57- Oh, yeah.- Isn't that brilliant? So good!
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Yes, this is the ongoing scandal over claims pornography was found
0:19:02 > 0:19:03on Damian Green's office computer.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05You may not believe this,
0:19:05 > 0:19:07but while I was researching this story about Damian Green,
0:19:07 > 0:19:10pornographic images and the Metropolitan Police,
0:19:10 > 0:19:12someone actually sent me a dick pic,
0:19:12 > 0:19:14which I'm going to share with you now.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20Commissioner Cressida Dick there, doing a fine job.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Also this week, the Social Mobility Commission resigned en masse,
0:19:23 > 0:19:25saying that the Prime Minister was failing in her bid
0:19:25 > 0:19:26to build a fairer Britain.
0:19:26 > 0:19:27When she came to power,
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Theresa May promised to help those who found themselves
0:19:30 > 0:19:31"just about managing,"
0:19:31 > 0:19:34little knowing that one year on, that would be her.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39So, at the end of that round, two points apiece.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Going all right.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Right, and so to Round Two, the picture spin quiz.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55Fingers hovering over the buzzers, teams, please.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59BUZZER
0:19:59 > 0:20:00- SATHNAM:- This is Donald Trump.
0:20:00 > 0:20:05Having sorted out gun control in America, and health care...
0:20:05 > 0:20:07..he's now decided to sort out the Middle East,
0:20:07 > 0:20:12and I'm sure the man who can't even find Theresa May on Twitter
0:20:12 > 0:20:13is capable of sorting out
0:20:13 > 0:20:17one of the most deeply entrenched political problems in human history.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20He HAS united almost the entire world, though.
0:20:20 > 0:20:21Yeah.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23- Against him.- Against him, yes!
0:20:23 > 0:20:25This is the news that the United States
0:20:25 > 0:20:28have formally recognised Jerusalem as Israel's capital city,
0:20:28 > 0:20:30and plan to relocate their embassy there.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34How has this gone down with other Middle Eastern powers?
0:20:34 > 0:20:37It's a huge button in the last 50 years.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Don't press it.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Trump goes, "Ooh, yeah," bang.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44I'm hoping this embassy is a bit like the wall.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46A sort of invisible...
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- It's in his head, largely. - It's in his head, yeah.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52And, also, you've got to get someone to build an embassy in Jerusalem.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Anybody fancy that as a construction job?
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Let's get the locals to do it!
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Hmm...
0:21:01 > 0:21:03No, I don't think so.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06I know, let's get some Mexicans to build it!
0:21:06 > 0:21:08What's so frustrating with America
0:21:08 > 0:21:11being like that is because they are so powerful, there is no way we can hit back.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Maybe little Meghan will be our secret weapon.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Little Meghan, when she comes over here and... Well, she's over here, isn't she?
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- I don't think she's politically that powerful.- She might be!
0:21:20 > 0:21:24- Don't-don't, you know...- She is compared to the United Kingdom.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28No, there've been a lot of reactions from other Middle Eastern powers.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29The Palestinians have called it
0:21:29 > 0:21:31"the kiss of death for the peace process."
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Turkey said it would plunge the region and world
0:21:33 > 0:21:35"into a fire with no end in sight,"
0:21:35 > 0:21:38while the Organisation for Islamic Cooperation have accused Trump
0:21:38 > 0:21:40of "naked aggression,"
0:21:40 > 0:21:42which I don't think, really...
0:21:42 > 0:21:44No. No-one wants to see that, Donald.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Please!
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Trump made an announcement at the White House.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51What did some viewers think his speech revealed about him?
0:21:51 > 0:21:53That he has dementia?
0:21:53 > 0:21:55So close, the word.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58It's not dementia, it's denture.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02- Oh!- Wow.- They think he might have dentures.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03Let's have a look.
0:22:03 > 0:22:08The message I delivered at the historic and extraordinary summit
0:22:08 > 0:22:10in Saudi Arabia...
0:22:10 > 0:22:15I ask the leaders of the region, political and religious...
0:22:15 > 0:22:18God bless the United Shtates, thank you very much.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Do you know, it almost looked there
0:22:23 > 0:22:24like Mike Pence is working his hands.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27He's got his hands up his jacket and he's doing that, and that...
0:22:27 > 0:22:30There's something going on with the bottom rung, though, isn't there?
0:22:30 > 0:22:31- Yeah.- There's something...
0:22:31 > 0:22:36Are you suggesting it's the teeth that are actually making the speech?
0:22:36 > 0:22:39That he's somehow prisoner of his own canines?
0:22:40 > 0:22:43He's got the teeth of Hitler! I can see the film now!
0:22:43 > 0:22:47They saved Hitler's teeth and bunged them in Trump's mouth!
0:22:47 > 0:22:49He probably wanted to say, "I just wish you all a happy Christmas,"
0:22:49 > 0:22:52and it all came out as, you know... "Wah, wah, wah."
0:22:52 > 0:22:56Why is Trump doing this now? Why now?
0:22:56 > 0:22:59He's having certain problems with a man called Flynn,
0:22:59 > 0:23:01and this week, he seems to have tweeted,
0:23:01 > 0:23:05and landed himself into a load of trouble.
0:23:05 > 0:23:10Some people are saying he's actually admitted to obstructing justice,
0:23:10 > 0:23:13inadvertently, and his staff's defence of this
0:23:13 > 0:23:16is that he didn't actually write the tweet.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20Yes, it's quite ironic that this man who tweets his innermost thoughts
0:23:20 > 0:23:23may have accidentally shot himself in the foot because he said that,
0:23:23 > 0:23:27"The reason why I had to sack Flynn was because he lied to the FBI."
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- Yes.- And then the next day after sacking Flynn,
0:23:30 > 0:23:32he then had a meeting with the head of the FBI
0:23:32 > 0:23:33where he told him to drop the case,
0:23:33 > 0:23:35which would be an obstruction of justice,
0:23:35 > 0:23:37- if he knew he'd lied to the FBI. - Yes.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39The tweet actually said...
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Which admittedly does sound like
0:23:50 > 0:23:52the words of a top criminal defence lawyer.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54If you go back to that tweet for a moment, as well,
0:23:54 > 0:23:55there's a point somebody else has made,
0:23:55 > 0:23:58that he has "pled" - lawyers don't say "pled," they use "pleaded."
0:23:58 > 0:24:01- Yes. "Pled" is odd, isn't it? - Yeah.- That's his teeth.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06He was trying to type "pleaded", but it's impossible with those dentures.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- He's got the teeth of Hitler, and the hands of Mussolini!- Yeah!
0:24:11 > 0:24:15Why does it not really matter whether Trump sent the tweet or not?
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Cos we're all going to die in World War III.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21According to Trump's legal team,
0:24:21 > 0:24:24as Trump is the country's chief law enforcement officer,
0:24:24 > 0:24:27he cannot obstruct justice.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29- That's what Nixon tried to say as well.- Yeah.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32So, when you're, sort of, quoting Nixon's defence...
0:24:33 > 0:24:37Why might Hillary Clinton be happy and bobbish at the moment?
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Because Flynn led the chorus of "Lock her up, lock her up."
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Let's have a look.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44- CROWD CHANTS:- Lock her up! - Lock her up!
0:24:44 > 0:24:46That's right.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Yes, that's right, lock her up!
0:24:52 > 0:24:55I'm going to tell you what, it's unbelievable.
0:24:55 > 0:24:56It's unbelievable.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00If I did a tenth... a tenth of what she did,
0:25:00 > 0:25:02I would be in jail today.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Luckily liberals are not a petty bunch, and were big enough
0:25:11 > 0:25:14to let that slide when Flynn was ushered into a car by his lawyer
0:25:14 > 0:25:16after news of his indictment broke.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Lock him up! Lock him up!
0:25:20 > 0:25:24Lock him up!
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Criminal! Lock him up!
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Lock him up!
0:25:29 > 0:25:31- It's just one voice, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33LOCK HIM UP!
0:25:33 > 0:25:35LOCK HIM UP! Um...
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Ooh, that hurt slightly.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42Two former Trump aides published a tell-all book about the President this week.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44- What did it reveal?- He has his trousers pressed
0:25:44 > 0:25:48- by his staff while he's still wearing them.- Yes, exactly!
0:25:48 > 0:25:49He has them steamed.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51He likes having them steamed while wearing them.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52It's so weird. According to the book,
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Trump would yell, "Get the machine!"
0:25:55 > 0:25:58and...and...
0:26:01 > 0:26:04I've gone all... I've gone all sort of... Oh!
0:26:04 > 0:26:07And Hope Hicks, Trump's Communications Advisor,
0:26:07 > 0:26:09would take out the steamer
0:26:09 > 0:26:12and start steaming Mr Trump's suit with him still in it.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14She'd steam the jacket first...
0:26:18 > 0:26:20That means trousers in America.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22- That's true, it does.- It means trousers.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25- The book also reveals the secrets of Trump's diet.- Oh, yes.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Which the authors compare to...
0:26:31 > 0:26:33How did he stay in shape during the election?
0:26:33 > 0:26:36He ate two Big Macs and two Filet-O-Fish for each meal.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40- That's it.- Yes!- And a milkshake as well.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44Imagine how big those Big Macs would look in those tiny hands.
0:26:44 > 0:26:50- I've never had a Big Mac, cos I'm Indian and I don't partake of the holy cow.- Yeah.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51Are they healthy?
0:26:51 > 0:26:54There's no problem for you to eat one - there's no meat in them!
0:26:54 > 0:26:55Oh!
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Another one for the lawyers.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00According to the book...
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Trump's preferred order being...
0:27:11 > 0:27:16Which is sadly just 20 chicken nuggets and a McFlurry short of an instant heart attack.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20Apparently, the same person also said that
0:27:20 > 0:27:23his plane is littered with open packets of biscuits
0:27:23 > 0:27:29because he's a germaphobe and so he doesn't like to go to something that's been touched by someone else.
0:27:29 > 0:27:30I just don't believe it. I mean,
0:27:30 > 0:27:32a man with an arse his size
0:27:32 > 0:27:36always finishes his biscuits, you know.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Just don't believe a word of it.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40He might have the arse of Stalin.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43That's three films.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46They saved Hitler's teeth, they saved Mussolini's hands
0:27:46 > 0:27:49and, oh, my God, it's Stalin's arse!
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Watch out in the cinemas next Christmas.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57Finally, what has Trump been doing in a barbers in Taiwan?
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Well, he's not been there, has he?
0:27:59 > 0:28:02- He hasn't been there...- But his lookalike has.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04They're doing a Trump haircut.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Yes, yes, they are.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09- Is it a barn owl who looks just like him?- Well, not quite.
0:28:09 > 0:28:10- Not a barn owl.- Not a barn owl.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12- Not a barn owl?- No.- Is it a parrot?
0:28:12 > 0:28:14It's not a parrot, either.
0:28:14 > 0:28:15- Parakeet!- Parakeet! Sadly, not.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17No!
0:28:17 > 0:28:18Well, what sort of bird is it, then?
0:28:18 > 0:28:20It's not even a bird, lads.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Well, why are you mentioning them, then?!
0:28:23 > 0:28:26I thought we were playing which bird looks like Trump!
0:28:26 > 0:28:28It's not a bird.
0:28:28 > 0:28:29It's not Trump personally,
0:28:29 > 0:28:31- but a local Trump fan.- Yes.
0:28:31 > 0:28:35Who spent three hours in the barbers getting this done.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40- Looks like Gollum.- Yeah, it does!
0:28:41 > 0:28:43This is Donald Trump's latest attempt
0:28:43 > 0:28:45to bring lasting peace to the world.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48One of many people to condemn Trump's position on Jerusalem
0:28:48 > 0:28:49was Pope Francis.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51Mind you, the Pope's never really liked the President
0:28:51 > 0:28:54ever since their first meeting, when Trump saw a flash of white dress,
0:28:54 > 0:28:56and plunged forward for a quick grab.
0:28:58 > 0:29:01Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:29:07 > 0:29:08BUZZER
0:29:08 > 0:29:13Oh, there's a guy who, to show how TripAdvisor can be manipulated,
0:29:13 > 0:29:15just got all his friends to say this...
0:29:15 > 0:29:16..whatever the restaurant was called,
0:29:16 > 0:29:18Marco's Spaghetti House, or something...
0:29:18 > 0:29:20- The Shed. - The Shed, was it called The Shed?
0:29:20 > 0:29:23..and decided to tweet about it, and say, "This was really good,"
0:29:23 > 0:29:25and it got to the top of TripAdvisor,
0:29:25 > 0:29:27- but it actually didn't exist. - Absolutely right, Paul.
0:29:27 > 0:29:29This is the news that a fake restaurant in a shed
0:29:29 > 0:29:33became London's number one-rated eatery on TripAdvisor.
0:29:33 > 0:29:36How did The Shed at Dulwich describe itself?
0:29:36 > 0:29:38- Fusion.- Bit more pretentious.
0:29:38 > 0:29:41"The Chateauneuf du Pape had an aroma of creosote."
0:29:43 > 0:29:45Its fake website explained
0:29:45 > 0:29:48that they don't have a traditional menu per se.
0:29:48 > 0:29:52"Instead of meals, our menu is comprised of moods."
0:29:54 > 0:29:58Here are some pictures uploaded to the TripAdvisor website.
0:29:58 > 0:29:59Can you guess what this is?
0:29:59 > 0:30:01It's creme brulee, or something, is it?
0:30:01 > 0:30:03Is it salmon?
0:30:03 > 0:30:04Mmm. It's actually a bleach tablet,
0:30:04 > 0:30:07covered in honey, shaving foam, and pepper.
0:30:11 > 0:30:14And what do you think this food is?
0:30:14 > 0:30:16- HAL:- A rabbit's been over that, hasn't it?
0:30:17 > 0:30:21No, it's a sponge covered in paint, with shaving foam and coffee beans.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24And, finally, what is this?
0:30:24 > 0:30:27Is it like, the stuff on it is, like, from the bottom of your feet
0:30:27 > 0:30:30- when you rub your feet with a...? - Ohh!
0:30:30 > 0:30:31Is it a joke shop egg?
0:30:31 > 0:30:33Mmm...this is an egg on a foot.
0:30:33 > 0:30:35It WAS his feet!
0:30:35 > 0:30:36In other fake food news,
0:30:36 > 0:30:40popular meat substitute manufacturer Quorn have been criticised
0:30:40 > 0:30:42for their packaging this week.
0:30:42 > 0:30:45Dan Douglas bought some mini Quorn sausage rolls, and then tweeted...
0:30:48 > 0:30:50The sausage rolls claimed to be a pack of 12,
0:30:50 > 0:30:52but then Dan read the small print.
0:30:52 > 0:30:54"12 mini rolls when cut into fours."
0:30:57 > 0:31:00- So good!- That is brilliant! - It is brilliant.
0:31:00 > 0:31:02Which means at the end of this round,
0:31:02 > 0:31:04it is Ian and Hal have two,
0:31:04 > 0:31:06Paul and Sathnam on four.
0:31:06 > 0:31:07Well done!
0:31:07 > 0:31:09APPLAUSE
0:31:13 > 0:31:15Time now for the odd one out round.
0:31:15 > 0:31:18Paul and Sathnam, your four are Piers Morgan,
0:31:18 > 0:31:20Vicki Pipe and Geoff Marshall,
0:31:20 > 0:31:22a demolition company in Detroit,
0:31:22 > 0:31:24and Belgian performance artist Mikes Poppe,
0:31:24 > 0:31:27who's called Mikes Poppe, but I like saying "Mikish Popper."
0:31:27 > 0:31:31OK, Piers Morgan at the top there seems to be eating toast -
0:31:31 > 0:31:33maybe he's choking on the toast.
0:31:33 > 0:31:36The demolition company in Detroit...
0:31:36 > 0:31:37They failed to blow up a stadium.
0:31:37 > 0:31:39It's got to be that, hasn't it,
0:31:39 > 0:31:42because there wouldn't be any story in they DID blow up a stadium?
0:31:42 > 0:31:44Unless of course, they hadn't been commissioned to do that.
0:31:44 > 0:31:46So, yeah, let's go with that, then -
0:31:46 > 0:31:48let's say they didn't blow up the stadium.
0:31:48 > 0:31:49And that couple, I think,
0:31:49 > 0:31:53- have an ambition to visit every railway station in Britain.- Ah-ha.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56So is it about people who want to be completist?
0:31:56 > 0:31:59- Obviously Piers Morgan wants to annoy every person in Britain.- Yes.
0:32:00 > 0:32:02- So he's achieved that.- Yeah.
0:32:02 > 0:32:04Three of them have achieved complete missions,
0:32:04 > 0:32:07whereas the Detroit company failed.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09That's not a bad answer, we'll go with that.
0:32:09 > 0:32:10It's so close.
0:32:10 > 0:32:13- You might as well give us the points, then.- It's...
0:32:13 > 0:32:16It's actually more about failure, guys.
0:32:16 > 0:32:17It's more about failure.
0:32:17 > 0:32:20So Piers Morgan failed to choke himself to death...
0:32:21 > 0:32:23..despite sponsorship.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26The people at the top failed to visit every railway station.
0:32:26 > 0:32:30No, they went to see, visited every railway station,
0:32:30 > 0:32:32so they're the odd ones out, cos they succeeded,
0:32:32 > 0:32:34- and everybody else failed. - Yeah, absolutely right.
0:32:34 > 0:32:36APPLAUSE
0:32:39 > 0:32:40They've all failed to complete a task,
0:32:40 > 0:32:42apart from Vicki Pipe and Geoff Marshall,
0:32:42 > 0:32:45who succeeded in their task to visit every train station in Britain
0:32:45 > 0:32:47- this summer. - I bet they didn't mean to!
0:32:49 > 0:32:51It's not that interesting a thing to do, though, is it?
0:32:51 > 0:32:54Well, I suppose it is, but you wouldn't want to spend Christmas
0:32:54 > 0:32:55- with them, would you? - Aww! They're nice!
0:32:55 > 0:32:58No, not when you could have David Davis come round.
0:32:59 > 0:33:00That'd be the real treat, wouldn't it?
0:33:00 > 0:33:02You wouldn't know what to stuff first.
0:33:05 > 0:33:07- Let's move on to the failures.- Yes.
0:33:07 > 0:33:10Piers Morgan was hired to turn on the Christmas lights
0:33:10 > 0:33:12in Stockbridge in Hampshire.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15After the Christmas lights in Stockbridge failed to come on,
0:33:15 > 0:33:16Piers claimed...
0:33:22 > 0:33:25Of course, the real failure was not connecting the live wire
0:33:25 > 0:33:26to Piers' genitals.
0:33:28 > 0:33:29Let's have a look at Piers' failing.
0:33:29 > 0:33:32OK, here we go, Stockbridge, are you ready for this?
0:33:32 > 0:33:33CROWD: Yes!
0:33:33 > 0:33:40- Count after me, five...- CROWD: Five, four, three, two, one...
0:33:40 > 0:33:42- Let's go! - CHEERING
0:33:47 > 0:33:51- Now, we must focus on the other failure.- Yeah.
0:33:51 > 0:33:53Mikes Poppe, do you know what he failed at?
0:33:53 > 0:33:56- Was he going to cover his entire body in gold foil...?- No.
0:33:56 > 0:33:59- Ran out of foil?- No.- Nothing to do with what we're looking at, then?
0:33:59 > 0:34:00No, it really hasn't. No.
0:34:00 > 0:34:03It's going to be difficult for us to get it, then, isn't it?
0:34:05 > 0:34:08He chained himself to an enormous block of marble,
0:34:08 > 0:34:11from which he tried to, sort of, chisel himself out,
0:34:11 > 0:34:15- and after his 19 day ordeal... - 19 days?!
0:34:15 > 0:34:17Yeah. ..he told the Telegraph...
0:34:28 > 0:34:30Vicki Pipe and Geoff Marshall spent 15 weeks this summer
0:34:30 > 0:34:34visiting every single one of Britain's railway stations by train.
0:34:34 > 0:34:36To pay for their railway journey to every station,
0:34:36 > 0:34:38they crowdfunded £38,000.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40That got them as far as Manchester in peak time.
0:34:40 > 0:34:43After that, they were on their own.
0:34:43 > 0:34:45Piers Morgan's attempt to turn on the Christmas lights in Stockbridge
0:34:45 > 0:34:46was unsuccessful.
0:34:46 > 0:34:50This is an odd failure for a man who can normally light up a room
0:34:50 > 0:34:51just by leaving it.
0:34:52 > 0:34:54Ian and Hal, here are yours.
0:34:54 > 0:34:58Major Charles Ingram, residents of Newfield Lodge retirement home
0:34:58 > 0:35:01in Castleford, Henry VIII's wives,
0:35:01 > 0:35:03and SpongeBob SquarePants.
0:35:03 > 0:35:05Well, that's Major Ingram,
0:35:05 > 0:35:08- who was accused of cheating on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.- Yeah.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10- Coughing guy, yeah.- And he coughed.
0:35:10 > 0:35:11Yeah, somebody coughed in the audience.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14- A friend coughed in the audience, yeah.- Is coughing the link?
0:35:14 > 0:35:15No, coughing's not the link.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18Since it's nearly Christmas, I'll give you a Christmassy clue.
0:35:19 > 0:35:22- Was it...? Oh, is it panto?- No. - Is everyone in panto?
0:35:22 > 0:35:24- Anne Boleyn?- No, no.
0:35:24 > 0:35:26Reading in Octagon. Puss In Boots.
0:35:26 > 0:35:28They've written a play about Charles Ingram
0:35:28 > 0:35:29- on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. - They have.
0:35:29 > 0:35:32There's been many plays about the six wives of Henry VIII.
0:35:32 > 0:35:34SpongeBob PlayPants, whatever his name is,
0:35:34 > 0:35:36he's got a play written about him and the care home haven't
0:35:36 > 0:35:38because it wouldn't be very interesting.
0:35:38 > 0:35:40- Well...- Were they in a play?- Yes!
0:35:40 > 0:35:43Yes, points all round, guys.
0:35:43 > 0:35:46- They've all been the subject... - I don't understand what's happening.
0:35:46 > 0:35:50This is what it's like in a care home, "What's happening now?
0:35:50 > 0:35:52"Have we had our custard?"
0:35:53 > 0:35:56They've all been the subject of stage adaptations
0:35:56 > 0:35:58apart from the elderly residents of Castleford retirement home
0:35:58 > 0:36:03- in Yorkshire who are putting on a nativity play.- Oh, good.
0:36:03 > 0:36:05Yes! The cast features a 93-year-old sheep
0:36:05 > 0:36:08and here's the star of the show, 98-year-old Mary Maskell
0:36:08 > 0:36:10who's playing the donkey.
0:36:10 > 0:36:13Now, why is she particularly happy to be playing the donkey?
0:36:13 > 0:36:14It's warm.
0:36:17 > 0:36:19In rehearsal, she triumphantly declared...
0:36:21 > 0:36:23- Awww!- It's really lovely. She told the Mirror...
0:36:26 > 0:36:29- Aw!- Very good.- It's quite sweet but it's going to be rubbish.
0:36:31 > 0:36:33Sorry, no, good luck with it.
0:36:36 > 0:36:40- You're the most conflicted person I've ever met.- Really weird.
0:36:40 > 0:36:43Horrible to old people, nice to David Davis.
0:36:43 > 0:36:46And Henry VIII's six wives are to be
0:36:46 > 0:36:49the subject of a new West End musical called SiX.
0:36:51 > 0:36:54Cambridge University students Lucy Moss and Toby Marlow
0:36:54 > 0:36:57wrote the musical for the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this year.
0:36:57 > 0:36:59Where it was put on by the...
0:37:01 > 0:37:03Or CUMTS.
0:37:05 > 0:37:08They've all been the subject of stage adaptations
0:37:08 > 0:37:11apart from the elderly residents of Castleford retirement home
0:37:11 > 0:37:13in Yorkshire who are putting on a nativity play.
0:37:13 > 0:37:16The cast, all in their 80s and 90s, include...
0:37:20 > 0:37:23Even more amazing, their parents are all coming to watch it!
0:37:27 > 0:37:31Rehearsals have been very stressful as each time the angel descends,
0:37:31 > 0:37:33everyone wonders who it's come for this time.
0:37:37 > 0:37:40Which means at the end of this wonderful round, it is
0:37:40 > 0:37:42Ian and Hal with three points,
0:37:42 > 0:37:43Paul and Sathnam with seven.
0:37:43 > 0:37:46- APPLAUSE - Oh, dear, we're getting trumped.
0:37:46 > 0:37:49Does somebody actually keep the scores
0:37:49 > 0:37:51- for the whole series?- Yeah, Paul!
0:37:52 > 0:37:54Time now for the missing words round,
0:37:54 > 0:37:57which this week features as its guest publication...
0:37:58 > 0:38:01On page three, there is a girl who is, of course, triceratopless.
0:38:03 > 0:38:05And we start with...
0:38:09 > 0:38:11And could even hold down a job in the Government
0:38:11 > 0:38:14making David Davis look like the complete buffoon
0:38:14 > 0:38:16that he actually is.
0:38:16 > 0:38:17APPLAUSE
0:38:19 > 0:38:23It's actually "understand the concept of space and time."
0:38:23 > 0:38:25Yeah, time is very important for pigeons.
0:38:25 > 0:38:27One hour 40 at gas mark five, and they're delicious.
0:38:28 > 0:38:30Next...
0:38:32 > 0:38:34- HAL:- The Bootleg Suffragettes?
0:38:40 > 0:38:43It's "all-female Big Brother."
0:38:43 > 0:38:45To celebrate 100 years of women's suffrage,
0:38:45 > 0:38:47Channel 5 have announced they will be running
0:38:47 > 0:38:49a female-only Celebrity Big Brother in January.
0:38:49 > 0:38:52When the producer was asked to comment on the series, he said,
0:38:52 > 0:38:54"It's a great step forward for the feminist movement.
0:38:54 > 0:38:56"And I bet they keep the house nice and tidy too."
0:38:58 > 0:38:59Next...
0:39:07 > 0:39:09Eat a pear. Kiss a bear.
0:39:09 > 0:39:11- You're right about the rhyming. - It is rhyming.
0:39:11 > 0:39:14Pretend you're Tony Blair.
0:39:14 > 0:39:15Pretend you're Tony Blair.
0:39:15 > 0:39:18- HAL:- You can even touch me there. - Oh!
0:39:19 > 0:39:21It is in fact...
0:39:23 > 0:39:26- Wow.- Oooh!- Oh.- The most poetic use of the English language
0:39:26 > 0:39:28since Charlotte and Emily Bronte-saurus.
0:39:28 > 0:39:30Next...
0:39:34 > 0:39:36Maximum security prison.
0:39:37 > 0:39:39Mega. Mega-something.
0:39:39 > 0:39:41- Mega-scarves.- Mega-scarves! Exactly.
0:39:41 > 0:39:44That make women look like a giant sock.
0:39:45 > 0:39:47Oh, my God!
0:39:47 > 0:39:49Here is the massive scarf.
0:39:49 > 0:39:51That's a bit awkward.
0:39:51 > 0:39:54I just think elephant's penis.
0:39:56 > 0:39:57Sorry!
0:39:57 > 0:39:59How often does this happen to you?
0:40:02 > 0:40:03Finally...
0:40:07 > 0:40:09- HAL:- Shat herself.
0:40:12 > 0:40:13"Grabs wrong end of dog."
0:40:16 > 0:40:20This is good - let's have a look at this important moment.
0:40:45 > 0:40:46Oh!
0:40:49 > 0:40:51- ON VIDEO:- Mum, you've got the dog's arse!
0:40:51 > 0:40:54You've got it upside down!
0:40:56 > 0:41:00So, the final scores are, Ian and Hal have three points,
0:41:00 > 0:41:02Paul and Sathnam have nine points.
0:41:02 > 0:41:03- Oh, well done. - APPLAUSE
0:41:09 > 0:41:11And I leave you with news that in Sussex,
0:41:11 > 0:41:13locals realised that Southern Rail are already operating
0:41:13 > 0:41:15on a Christmas timetable.
0:41:18 > 0:41:20At the launch of a new iPhone charger,
0:41:20 > 0:41:22Apple once again create a product
0:41:22 > 0:41:23incompatible with anything else.
0:41:26 > 0:41:28And in New York, evidence emerges that once a year,
0:41:28 > 0:41:31like other reptiles, Donald Trump sheds his skin.
0:41:34 > 0:41:35Goodnight!
0:41:35 > 0:41:37APPLAUSE