0:00:05 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:24 > 0:00:27APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Good evening!
0:00:40 > 0:00:42- Welcome to- Have- I- Got- News- For You. I'm Kirsty Young.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43I'm Mel Giedroyc.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45I'm David Tennant, and in the news this year...
0:00:45 > 0:00:48In Westminster, there's joy for Michael Gove
0:00:48 > 0:00:51as he's finally given a Cabinet role that suits his abilities
0:00:51 > 0:00:53while still challenging him.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54Would you like a cup of tea?
0:00:54 > 0:00:57LAUGHTER
0:00:57 > 0:00:59At a holiday resort in the Mediterranean,
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Ed Balls suddenly spots George Osborne.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12In Central London, BBC arts editor Will Gompertz
0:01:12 > 0:01:15struggles with the weight of his massive frontal lobe.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18LAUGHTER
0:01:21 > 0:01:24And in the Midlands, James Dyson's less successful brothers
0:01:24 > 0:01:26try to get in on the act.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34- IAN:- The British public have spoken.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36And no-one knows what they've said.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41The British public don't like being told what to think
0:01:41 > 0:01:43and they don't like people getting above themselves,
0:01:43 > 0:01:45so Mrs May just got a huge slap.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51"I'll take half your majority away. Shut up."
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Don't you think it's time to get rid of the British public?
0:01:55 > 0:01:56I mean...
0:01:56 > 0:01:58LAUGHTER
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Now, it was an amazing night for Jeremy Corbyn.
0:02:05 > 0:02:10Alan, you described him as "useless, incompetent and incapable."
0:02:10 > 0:02:13- Er...- You're reading things into that. This is...
0:02:16 > 0:02:18And it's...
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Jeremy was very pleased.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24He attempted a high five with Emily Thornberry.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- Shall we have a look?- Yes, let's have a look at that.- Yes.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Well, almost a victory party...
0:02:32 > 0:02:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Diane Abbott got in a tangle on LBC
0:02:39 > 0:02:42during an interview about funding police recruitment.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44- What's she gone and done? - Well, they had an idea
0:02:44 > 0:02:47that they thought would work, which is having 10,000 more police.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50The Labour Party! Normally that's what the Tories say,
0:02:50 > 0:02:52but this time Labour thought they'd try it.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54- But unfortunately they got Diane out.- Yes.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56She got the numbers wrong, didn't she? She gave an amount
0:02:56 > 0:03:01- which would mean they were paying £30 per year per policeman.- Yes.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03So they said, "Is that right?" She said, "No.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06"I didn't mean £300,000 - I meant £80 million."
0:03:08 > 0:03:12She hasn't grasped modern politics at all, Diane Abbott.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15I think it's mathematics she hasn't got.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18If you've got figures that are complete bollocks
0:03:18 > 0:03:20and you don't know what you're talking about,
0:03:20 > 0:03:23you don't trot them out on a radio show.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25You slap them on the side of a bus, and you drive...
0:03:28 > 0:03:30APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:03:32 > 0:03:34I'm already worried I've made too many jokes about Theresa May
0:03:34 > 0:03:36and not enough about Jeremy Corbyn.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Mind you, you say a bad thing about Jeremy Corbyn,
0:03:38 > 0:03:41you get enough shit on the internet if you're not Jewish, so...
0:03:43 > 0:03:45..I think I'll leave it.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52We have got Jeremy Corbyn on Women's Hour.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54- Just not getting the figures at all. - Let's see.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58How much will it cost to provide un-means-tested childcare
0:03:58 > 0:04:01for 1.3 million children?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Er, it will cost, er...
0:04:03 > 0:04:07It will obviously cost a lot to do so.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- I presume you have the figures. - Yes, I do.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12- So how much will it cost?- I'll give you the figure in a moment.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13You don't know it?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Er...
0:04:15 > 0:04:18You're logging into your iPad, here.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21It's a major policy, and you don't know how much it will cost?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Can I give you the exact figure in a moment?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26You're flicking through your manifesto, you've got an iPad there,
0:04:26 > 0:04:28you've had a phone call while we were in here,
0:04:28 > 0:04:30and you don't know how much it's going to cost?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Can we come back to that in a moment?
0:04:33 > 0:04:34Anyone can lose the bit of...
0:04:34 > 0:04:37I mean, if you're a vicar, everyone always expects you
0:04:37 > 0:04:39to be able to quote chapter and verse from the Bible,
0:04:39 > 0:04:42but you don't hold the information in that way.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45So it's "Thou shalt NOT commit adultery," you know.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Tiny detail.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51The Gospel according to Shrek, I don't know.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53We've just heard that Theresa May's
0:04:53 > 0:04:55pulled out of doing Women's Hour herself,
0:04:55 > 0:04:58she's been replaced by Justine Greening. What do you think of that?
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Do you know that's in the same studio as Saturday Live?
0:05:01 > 0:05:05So I'll be detecting signs of nervousness on the seats
0:05:05 > 0:05:07when I go in.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10That's really disgusting.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22It's another edition of I Didn't Know A Vicar Would Say That!
0:05:24 > 0:05:28This is the news of the humiliating victory for Theresa May.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Not quite all of the results are in yet.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33As we speak, the largest party
0:05:33 > 0:05:35is being held by students in Sheffield,
0:05:35 > 0:05:37where Nick Clegg lost his seat.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40After Theresa May missed the debate,
0:05:40 > 0:05:42the Mirror referred to the absent Prime Minister as:
0:05:44 > 0:05:47You can order Chicken Theresa May in a restaurant near me.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51It's thin-skinned, boneless, and refuses to be grilled.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00- PAUL:- Ah, yes, this is the bozo of the Western world.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03He tweeted a word...
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Covfefe.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Would you support, if somebody...
0:06:07 > 0:06:08Um...
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Is it right to hit him?
0:06:13 > 0:06:17- APPLAUSE - Just once. In the face.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18Just once.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21This was the early hours of Wednesday morning, he tweeted:
0:06:27 > 0:06:28..and left it at that.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Do you think he was trying to spell "kerfuffle"?
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- No, coverage.- Must be coverage.- This is what somebody said on Twitter.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36They made a sort of dictionary entry where they wrote:
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Did you see what the Eurostar did?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49LAUGHTER
0:06:53 > 0:06:57What did we learn about Donald Trump's exercise routine this week?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59- That he doesn't have one. - That's right.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03- He doesn't do any.- No.- He believes that in order to live longer,
0:07:03 > 0:07:06we should not do any exercise.
0:07:06 > 0:07:07This is good news.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17He met the Pope in the Vatican.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Donald thought that he and the Pope got on really well
0:07:19 > 0:07:22because they had one thing in common.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24- Do you know what that is?- Humility.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27That is right.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31- That is the answer.- No!- Yes!- No!
0:07:31 > 0:07:33You're not known to be a humble man, but I wonder...
0:07:33 > 0:07:34I think I am actually humble.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37I think I'm much more humble than you would understand.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Look at Mike Pence's face.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45He's thinking, "What did he just say?!"
0:07:45 > 0:07:48"Just have a heart attack so I can get the job."
0:07:49 > 0:07:53The five surviving ex-presidents of the USA all appeared at a fundraiser
0:07:53 > 0:07:56for the One America appeal for hurricane relief.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59What led George W Bush and Barack Obama
0:07:59 > 0:08:02to snigger behind Bill Clinton's back?
0:08:02 > 0:08:03Oh, I don't know.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Journalist Simon Ricketts thinks Obama is laughing
0:08:06 > 0:08:10because Bush is pretending his arms are Bill Clinton's arms.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12..calamitous disaster.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15But can be a new beginning...
0:08:15 > 0:08:17LAUGHTER
0:08:17 > 0:08:20That's amazing, isn't it?
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Isn't that amazing?
0:08:25 > 0:08:27What is Donald Trump doing to celebrate Christmas?
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Is this the awful, ugly Christmas decorations?
0:08:30 > 0:08:34I mean, Melania thinks they're... MIMICS MELANIA: ..very beautiful.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Let's have a look.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46I think the look is Nuclear Winterval.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49There were ballerinas just dancing for her as she stood there.
0:08:49 > 0:08:50I mean, if it were any more Freudian,
0:08:50 > 0:08:52she'd just be in a withered chair in the corner
0:08:52 > 0:08:55just rocking back and forth. Just her face, it just...
0:08:55 > 0:08:58You know that that contractually obliged hand job
0:08:58 > 0:08:59is around the corner.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05That's probably the best way to do it, when you're around the corner.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10- She is an innocent gold digger caught up in a dangerous game.- Yeah.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Donald Trump does frequently have trouble with names.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18He recently referred to the African country of Nambia, later explaining
0:09:18 > 0:09:20he'd simply mixed up the two real countries
0:09:20 > 0:09:22of Gambia and Narnia.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Oh, here's the former prime minister.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Depends when you're watching. Oh, someone's coughing.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35- CROAKILY:- ..dealing with our debts...
0:09:35 > 0:09:37SHE COUGHS
0:09:37 > 0:09:39I know a lot of people who are probably nicer than me
0:09:39 > 0:09:41felt very sorry for her.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43But I thought it was very, very funny.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47It's a bad sign when a cough sweet goes down better than you do.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51What advice did Michael Heseltine offer May
0:09:51 > 0:09:53regarding what she should do about Boris?
0:09:53 > 0:09:54Sack him.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Yes, that's certainly in the territory,
0:09:56 > 0:09:58but we have a clip of this.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Let's enjoy some brave clothing choices.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Where would you put Boris? If you were in Theresa May's position
0:10:05 > 0:10:08and you were going to reshuffle, where would you put Boris Johnson?
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Mongolia? Somewhere like that.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16They don't make patricians like that any more.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- He matches his plant in that clip. - Of course!
0:10:19 > 0:10:21LAUGHTER
0:10:21 > 0:10:23That's amazing.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Yes. This is not his first rodeo.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28- She can't sack Boris.- Why?
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Because if she sacks him he gets to walk away from Brexit
0:10:31 > 0:10:33while simultaneously being able to claim that
0:10:33 > 0:10:34if he'd stayed in the government
0:10:34 > 0:10:37it all would have gone much better than it's clearly going to go.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38She can't allow him the pleasure.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40He's essentially an arsonist
0:10:40 > 0:10:42- who wants to come back dressed as a fireman.- Yes.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48"Where's the fire?"
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Theresa May's premiership has been under threat for a while,
0:10:54 > 0:10:56but this must be the first time
0:10:56 > 0:10:58that the "coffin" itself could be the final nail.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Oh, hummus. Yes, there's a hummus shortage.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13There's a man, unbelievably, "No hummus! No hummus!"
0:11:13 > 0:11:17Er, yes, there's been a huge drought of hummus. It's run out.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21The man who produces it, Hugh Muss, has said that...
0:11:21 > 0:11:22It's gone missing.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25For those of us in the liberal metropolitan elite,
0:11:25 > 0:11:27this is more of a disaster even than Brexit.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Yep. So you're quite right.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Why have Sainsbury's, Tesco's and Marks and Sparks
0:11:35 > 0:11:37withdrawn hummus from their shelves?
0:11:37 > 0:11:39People complained it tasted funny. Metallic.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41- And fizzy.- Fizzy, yes!
0:11:41 > 0:11:42Fizzy.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44What else have shoppers reacted to in amazement?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Oh, Blue Riband not going to be made...
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Is that the one? Jobs going at Blue Riband?
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- The jobs are moving.- Moving.- Yeah. So Nestle has said...
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- To a different country, I think. - Yeah. They're going to move
0:11:54 > 0:11:57300 biscuit-making jobs from Britain to Poland.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59And social media was set alight
0:11:59 > 0:12:02by people baffled and upset that a biscuit
0:12:02 > 0:12:05they'd always thought was called Blue Ribbon is called Blue Riband.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07- Why did people think it was called Blue Ribbon?- I have no idea.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11- It's been called that since 1936. - It has!
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Consumers were so deeply traumatised...
0:12:14 > 0:12:16PAUL LAUGHS
0:12:16 > 0:12:19- ..they went online to vent their horror.- Oh, dear.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Yeah, of course they did. Becka wrote:
0:12:26 > 0:12:28In other food-related news,
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Worcester Cathedral has been criticised
0:12:30 > 0:12:32for blessing a bundle of asparagus
0:12:32 > 0:12:35accompanied by St George and Gus - as in Aspara Gus -
0:12:35 > 0:12:37who's...
0:12:37 > 0:12:41Who has been a fixture of the asparagus festival in Worcester
0:12:41 > 0:12:43since 2008.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47He's actually the fifth person to wear the asparagus costume.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50The first four were strangled by a big blue elastic band.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Self-effacing rock star who pays too much tax, according to him.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Lewis Hamilton... I can't remember which is the good one,
0:13:01 > 0:13:03it's either avoidance or evasion.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05It's a subtle difference, isn't it?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07- You'll get sued if you say the wrong one.- Oh, right.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09So go on.
0:13:11 > 0:13:16I'll mention your name as I'm passing through the legal system.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18You're talking about millions and billions,
0:13:18 > 0:13:21and in the case of Lewis Hamilton, who is extremely wealthy...
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Isn't he meant to be the richest sportsman of all now?
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Yeah, I suppose so. He doesn't have to be particularly fit,
0:13:27 > 0:13:28doing what he does.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32He sits in a car and points it in that direction.
0:13:33 > 0:13:34He doesn't even build the car.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37He's like an Uber driver who goes a bit quicker, that's all.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46It's the leak of the Paradise Papers.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48- Yes.- Other famous individuals are named,
0:13:48 > 0:13:50not just Lewis Hamilton. What's Bono done?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52He bought a shopping centre?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54He bought a shopping centre in beautiful Lithuania.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58- Here it is.- Via a holding company in Malta.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01- I've actually been there. - What, to that shopping centre?
0:14:01 > 0:14:02Yes. I spent ages trying to shop,
0:14:02 > 0:14:05but I still couldn't find what I was looking for.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:14:09 > 0:14:11The way that photograph is framed is a bit unusual
0:14:11 > 0:14:14cos you can't see The Edge. Do you see?
0:14:16 > 0:14:18He issued a statement. What did that say?
0:14:18 > 0:14:19"Fuck the lot of you."
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- That's the House of Commons. - Sexminster.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Oh, no, that's the House of Commons.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35And he's off. The former defence secretary.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Where are the Lib Dems? That's what I want to know in this sex scandal.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Normally they are way in the front in any sex scandal,
0:14:41 > 0:14:43and they've been left trailing.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45There's not enough of them any more.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48They can't even round up a decent gang of sex offenders.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52A threesome would be a push, wouldn't it?
0:14:52 > 0:14:53It would be a push.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59The Times published a redacted version of the list.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01A damning indictment of MPs' behaviour,
0:15:01 > 0:15:05or, if you prefer, a fun-packed Missing Words Round.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10I mean, here's one, for example.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Clothing, presumably.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19- Perfume.- Women's suffrage banners.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20Yes, that's...
0:15:22 > 0:15:23OK, try the next one.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Own sweets.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32That's just sensible.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34It's "personal trainer".
0:15:34 > 0:15:38- Some of this is not high-level crime, is it?- No, no, it's...
0:15:38 > 0:15:42- Compared to, say, Putin or Trump. - But if I can just say,
0:15:42 > 0:15:46as the only representative of the female gender here today,
0:15:46 > 0:15:48I know it's not high-level,
0:15:48 > 0:15:50but it doesn't have to be high-level
0:15:50 > 0:15:56for women to feel under siege in somewhere like the House of Commons.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59And actually for women, if you're constantly being harassed
0:15:59 > 0:16:02even in a small way, that builds up.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04And that wears you down.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07APPLAUSE AND WHOOPING
0:16:09 > 0:16:11There is a wide range of behaviour on offer.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12One MP is described as:
0:16:14 > 0:16:16- What, can he drive?- I don't know.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19I thought maybe it meant he'd hold your chips
0:16:19 > 0:16:21while you throw up out the window.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25That's what I'm looking for in a man, anyway.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28What a showbiz life you lead, Jo.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31I tell you, Paul, you should come out with me for the night.
0:16:31 > 0:16:32It's marvellous.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Er, what did the list have to say about Amber Rudd?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Oh, she'd had an affair, a post-marital affair,
0:16:38 > 0:16:40with another MP,
0:16:40 > 0:16:42and he wasn't married either.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46- So what...?- They're very Puritan... - They are.- ..this particular
0:16:46 > 0:16:48bunch of researchers. It was just put on the list.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50"Enjoying life."
0:16:54 > 0:16:56What's the real scandal associated with Amber Rudd?
0:16:56 > 0:16:58It's not this traffic light joke, is it?
0:16:58 > 0:17:00It is the traffic light joke, yes.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Er, about a year ago, Paul Merton made this joke.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05If Amber Rudd married someone called Green,
0:17:05 > 0:17:07she'd be like a traffic light. Amber Rudd Green.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Just occurred to me, that's all.
0:17:11 > 0:17:16And then, eight months later, Labour's Alan Johnson said this.
0:17:16 > 0:17:17Am I the only one who thinks
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Amber Rudd sounds like a traffic light sequence?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21So...
0:17:22 > 0:17:24So if she stood for the Green Party,
0:17:24 > 0:17:26it'd be Amber Rudd, Green.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29It's like the Highway Code.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37I said that on the programme about eight months ago!
0:17:40 > 0:17:42That's incredible.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- But it turns out the gag's even older than that.- Really?
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Here is some footage from series one.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50OLD-FASHIONED MUSIC PLAYS
0:18:01 > 0:18:02Ahh.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03I was wrong.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07This is the sex scandal engulfing Westminster.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09According to the redacted dossier:
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Why are these jobs never advertised?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21APPLAUSE
0:18:23 > 0:18:25BUZZER
0:18:25 > 0:18:28this is the Queen and Prince Philip showing why they get on so well.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30It's their 70th wedding anniversary, I think -
0:18:30 > 0:18:311947.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34According to the royal biographer Ingrid Seward,
0:18:34 > 0:18:36the secret to their happy marriage is that:
0:18:37 > 0:18:39What do you think they might laugh about?
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Us.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42"Fools."
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Well, Ingrid said the Queen is "a wonderful mimic"
0:18:45 > 0:18:48and is "particularly good at a Liverpudlian accent."
0:18:48 > 0:18:49No!
0:18:49 > 0:18:50Fingers on the buzzers, teams
0:18:50 > 0:18:53for the no-expense-spent Phil And Liz Quiz.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01The royal couple received 2,583 wedding presents,
0:19:01 > 0:19:03but what did they get 76 of?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Toasters.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Nope. 76 people gave them handkerchiefs.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11- LIVERPOOL ACCENT:- Hey, Phil, look at all these hankies we got.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Ingrid also revealed that the couple share a bedroom,
0:19:17 > 0:19:20but Prince Philip also has his own in case:
0:19:25 > 0:19:28I enjoyed his answer to a question in 1988.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31He was asked what he would like to be reincarnated as. He said:
0:19:39 > 0:19:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:44 > 0:19:46- BELL - Pole dancing.
0:19:46 > 0:19:47Yes.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49It's not in any way sexual,
0:19:49 > 0:19:51as this picture proves.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55It is a proper accredited sport,
0:19:55 > 0:19:58requiring gymnastic ability and a beard.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00- And it's going to be an Olympic sport.- Is it?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03I think there's talk about it being an Olympic sport.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Would you like to see some competitive pole dancing?
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Yes, I think we're being unnecessarily rude.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Not on this programme, I'm just saying...
0:20:16 > 0:20:18In the USA, what were pole dancers called
0:20:18 > 0:20:21when they performed in travelling fairs in the 1920s?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24- AMERICAN ACCENT:- Pole dancers.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29In what international competition
0:20:29 > 0:20:32did Britain score a surprise win over France this week?
0:20:32 > 0:20:33- Wine tasting.- Yes.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Out of 24 countries, France came 11th,
0:20:36 > 0:20:38nine places below the UK, which was second.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Was it done on volume?
0:20:46 > 0:20:50This is the news that pole dancing may become an Olympic event.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52If it does, it'll be the first-ever instance
0:20:52 > 0:20:54of bringing a sport INTO repute.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01BUZZER
0:21:01 > 0:21:03This is a wildlife documentary.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05This is an iguana running away from snakes
0:21:05 > 0:21:09and it was a very brilliantly photographed bit of footage
0:21:09 > 0:21:12and you've got to spend hours, months, weekends, days, forever
0:21:12 > 0:21:14trying to get this stuff.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17And somebody complained because there's a cutaway to another iguana,
0:21:17 > 0:21:19a sort of close-up thing,
0:21:19 > 0:21:21and they said this is cheating somehow,
0:21:21 > 0:21:22as if you can make an iguana...
0:21:22 > 0:21:25"Sorry, love, we missed that - can we do it again?"
0:21:25 > 0:21:29So I don't understand why people are confused about how films are made.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31How could they tell it wasn't the same iguana?
0:21:31 > 0:21:32Well, because...
0:21:32 > 0:21:35I don't know. Maybe it had a hat on or something.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38"Up the Gunners." I don't know. He had a badge.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41"Is it true Arsene Wenger's leaving?"
0:21:44 > 0:21:48No, I think it was a protest registered by the snakes.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52Er...cos they're shown in this film to be incompetent.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- Very poor light.- There are hundreds of them chasing one baby iguana
0:21:55 > 0:21:58and they're so useless, they don't get anywhere near him.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00And the iguana escapes.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02And I think they protested,
0:22:02 > 0:22:05saying, "The footage is completely faked. We won the encounter."
0:22:06 > 0:22:09"And David Attenborough really should just resign."
0:22:11 > 0:22:12Can we see the footage? It's so good.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14You want to see the fakery row,
0:22:14 > 0:22:17the scene including the lizard and the snake?
0:22:17 > 0:22:19- Yeah.- OK. Let's have a look.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:27 > 0:22:30It's time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Your four are:
0:22:32 > 0:22:37The tiger mascot for the Siliwangi Military Command in Indonesia,
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Archimedes, Millicent Fawcett,
0:22:39 > 0:22:41and Cristiano Ronaldo.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Ronaldo recently had a statue made of him,
0:22:43 > 0:22:46so it's him looking funny or amused, I think.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48- So it's about statues, I think. - It is.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50The mascot I don't know anything about
0:22:50 > 0:22:52but I imagine it's a pretty grim mascot.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54I think the statue was regarded as laughable,
0:22:54 > 0:22:56and presumably there'll be...
0:22:56 > 0:22:58I know there isn't yet a statue of Fawcett,
0:22:58 > 0:23:00the rather impressive woman on the left
0:23:00 > 0:23:01who was a suffragette in the 19th century,
0:23:01 > 0:23:05- but Theresa May has promised that there will be a statue...- Ah!
0:23:05 > 0:23:07..of her in Parliament Square.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09There is a statue of Archimedes.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11There must be somewhere, presumably.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13- But someone's objected to it. - Oh, really?
0:23:13 > 0:23:15So they're all statues that people have objected to
0:23:15 > 0:23:17- apart from Fawcett... - Who's not there yet.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19..who's going to get a statue.
0:23:19 > 0:23:20So she must be the odd one out.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Portugal, as you say, decided to honour Cristiano Ronaldo
0:23:23 > 0:23:25by renaming Madeira Airport after him
0:23:25 > 0:23:28and unveiling this bronze bust at one of its terminals.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34A statue of the majestic, fearsome Sumatran tiger,
0:23:34 > 0:23:38a mascot of the Siliwangi Military Command in Indonesia,
0:23:38 > 0:23:40went viral this week. Here it is.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47What does he want from us?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Why did the statue end up looking
0:23:51 > 0:23:55so unlike the ferocious beast it was supposed to resemble?
0:23:55 > 0:23:57They couldn't get the head they wanted.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59The spokesman said it was because the artist...
0:23:59 > 0:24:01was not that good.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10A nude statue of Archimedes is said to be distracting drivers
0:24:10 > 0:24:12on a road in Basingstoke.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15So let's settle this once and for all.
0:24:15 > 0:24:16Do you find this distracting?
0:24:16 > 0:24:18No, not really.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20I didn't even know he was from Basingstoke.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25APPLAUSE
0:24:25 > 0:24:29So they are all the subject of a controversial statue
0:24:29 > 0:24:31apart from Millicent Fawcett.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33The offending naked statue of Archimedes
0:24:33 > 0:24:35is outside the owner's house.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37I'm told it's a large, impressive semi,
0:24:37 > 0:24:39but don't know much about the house.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Time now for the Missing Words Round.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47And we start with:
0:24:50 > 0:24:52The Loch Ness Monster.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53Hope.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:59 > 0:25:00It was the Loch Ness Monster!
0:25:00 > 0:25:02If you believe this story,
0:25:02 > 0:25:05you really should take a long hard look in the mirror.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08As they're the only paper that bothered to cover it.
0:25:10 > 0:25:11Next:
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Bulge in lie-detecting underpants.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Is it Eamonn Holmes?
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Prince song.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28# Really big courgette... #
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Is that it?
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Second World War bomb turns out to be really big courgette.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38God, the Germans were desperate towards the end, weren't they?
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Here's the courgette.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43It was found in a garden in Bretten in Germany.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45According to the BBC, once police had confirmed
0:25:45 > 0:25:47it was just a five-kilo vegetable:
0:25:49 > 0:25:51And sure enough, 24 hours later,
0:25:51 > 0:25:53neighbours heard a massive explosion.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Next:
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Is it marry a supermodel?
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Admit it's all a bit far-fetched?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10APPLAUSE
0:26:12 > 0:26:13The answer is:
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Which will premier at the Cannes Film Festival next week.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19The pontiff's acting was praised,
0:26:19 > 0:26:22but he did annoy the director a bit when he started his scene by saying,
0:26:22 > 0:26:26"Let there be lights, camera, action."
0:26:26 > 0:26:27Next:
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Meeting Scotsman in pub for a joke.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39- Er, football.- It is a football keepy-uppy contest.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Let's have a look.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45- She's good!- She's very good on the cross.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Finally:
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Wife number eight.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58She can't stand him.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08This is Ron Sheppard, looking for wife number nine.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10He's previously been married to:
0:27:15 > 0:27:19I think we can pinpoint the moment when he discovered the internet.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29"I still can't find Keith, but I've left him another note."
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Mr Weinstein's office staff.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38AUDIENCE: Ohhh!
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Yeah, that's the one to finish the show on.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47I leave you with news that in Brussels,
0:27:47 > 0:27:49as world leaders gather for a photo opportunity,
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Theresa May insists that the UK and United States
0:27:52 > 0:27:54still have a special relationship.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58LAUGHTER
0:28:02 > 0:28:05In the basement of Labour Party HQ,
0:28:05 > 0:28:07the BBC's Laura Kuenssberg
0:28:07 > 0:28:10recovers from the knockout drops to be met with a worrying sight.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19And at Calais, the British unveil the winning design
0:28:19 > 0:28:23for a post-Brexit entrance to the Channel Tunnel.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Goodnight.