0:00:25 > 0:00:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42I'm Dominic West.
0:00:42 > 0:00:47In the news this week, at 11 Downing Street on the day of the Pre-Budget Report,
0:00:47 > 0:00:50there's a rare TV appearance for Alistair Darling's cat.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56LAUGHTER
0:00:59 > 0:01:03At a euthanasia clinic in Switzerland,
0:01:03 > 0:01:06a new piece of equipment is introduced to lighten the mood.
0:01:16 > 0:01:21And after baffling British doctors with his incurable disease, a man
0:01:21 > 0:01:25who just can't stop talking heads abroad for specialist treatment.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29NO SOUND
0:01:29 > 0:01:31LAUGHTER
0:01:40 > 0:01:42APPLAUSE
0:01:42 > 0:01:47On Ian Hislop's team, an American comedian who once starred in his own one-man show
0:01:47 > 0:01:54called Pride, Prejudice and Niggas - based on Jane Austen's slightly less successful sequel -
0:01:54 > 0:01:56please welcome Reginald D Hunter.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
0:02:04 > 0:02:07With Paul Merton tonight is the Top Gear presenter
0:02:07 > 0:02:11who recently built a full-sized Airfix model Spitfire for the BBC
0:02:11 > 0:02:15which is now doing sterling service for the RAF out in Afghanistan.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19- Please welcome James May! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:23 > 0:02:26And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Ian and Reg, what's this about?
0:02:29 > 0:02:33The Chancellor looking to see where the money's gone.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Away with the fairies.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37That's the next government.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40- There they are - the Cabinet! - LAUGHTER
0:02:40 > 0:02:45- George.- Discussing having a meeting eventually one day about some stuff.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48And that's the previous Cabinet.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52That's poor children and I think before that, it was rich children.
0:02:52 > 0:02:57It's this week's Pre-Budget Report, which in my house we've talked of little else this week, of course.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00It's incredibly depressing. It means more tax for everybody,
0:03:00 > 0:03:03above every income level, and huge spending cuts
0:03:03 > 0:03:09because we're in debt to the scale of Zimbabwe plus Weimar Germany.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13- LAUGHTER - What did he decide to do to the bankers in the end, Darling?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16LAUGHTER
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Very little, sweetie!
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Having said they were going to have this swingeing tax,
0:03:25 > 0:03:31they're having a one-off, 50% premium on anyone over 25,000.
0:03:31 > 0:03:36So, yeah, it's punishment, but it's not going to raise that much money and it's only once.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40- It's not all bad news, though. - Yes, it is. - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:40 > 0:03:42If you could find one bit of good news...
0:03:42 > 0:03:46What will you do? What's the forfeit?
0:03:46 > 0:03:51I will lend you the entire reserves of this country.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57- What's the good news? - He's introduced a boiler scrappage scheme.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00That'll rectify the debt. What's that worth?
0:04:00 > 0:04:0225 trillion quid?
0:04:02 > 0:04:05I don't know, but they're going to get rid of old boilers.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09- So, bad news for Margaret Beckett. - LAUGHTER
0:04:09 > 0:04:14Because she's just had a new Potterton installed!
0:04:14 > 0:04:20David Cameron spoke to a gathering of top financiers this week. Do you know what he had to say to them?
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Did he say, "Don't worry about this tax, we've given you all this money
0:04:23 > 0:04:26"but you only have to give half of it back"?
0:04:26 > 0:04:30Is that how it works? I may have made a complete arse of myself there!
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- That's how it works, yeah. - I think that's right.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36It was meant to be a joke! I wasn't being serious.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40It was the original human observation angle,
0:04:40 > 0:04:44the joke fell to bits, so we're like, "Oh, that's interesting, yes."
0:04:44 > 0:04:48Then nobody realised it was meant to be a joke apart from this conversation we've just had!
0:04:48 > 0:04:52I would like to apologise to any bankers upset by those observations.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Remember, your mood may go up as well as down.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59APPLAUSE
0:04:59 > 0:05:04Would you like to see how Newsnight handled the run-up to the Pre-Budget Report this week?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Yeah.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- PRESENTER:- So who will raise an eyebrow tomorrow
0:05:10 > 0:05:13as the Chancellor tries to balance the books?
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Like the mating dance of the Great African Caterpillar.
0:05:16 > 0:05:21Which war broke out between the main parties again this week?
0:05:21 > 0:05:26- The class war.- The class war, yes. What did Gordon Brown accuse Cameron of having?
0:05:26 > 0:05:31- His financial policies have been dreamt up on the playing fields of Eton.- That's right.
0:05:31 > 0:05:38That was his joke. Apparently, he got Alastair Campbell back purely to come up with jokes of that calibre.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41I suppose you couldn't really be dreaming of tax policies
0:05:41 > 0:05:43on the playing fields of a comprehensive school
0:05:43 > 0:05:47because the Tories sold them all off before the last election.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50There aren't any playing fields.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53There's the computer lab.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Where you can do Wii Playing Fields.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Come on, kids, PE!
0:06:03 > 0:06:06APPLAUSE
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Alastair Campbell also joined in on his blog this week.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- Does anyone see what he said?- No!
0:06:11 > 0:06:13He wrote...
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- LAUGHTER - You're bad at feigning enthusiasm.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22Nothing like the blogosphere. I wonder what they've said out there!
0:06:24 > 0:06:27I expect it won't be mad and mention Hitler very quickly!
0:06:31 > 0:06:32He said:
0:06:45 > 0:06:47You can see their point, really, can't you?
0:06:47 > 0:06:51James, which school did you go to? Was it a girls' school?
0:06:54 > 0:06:58It had girls in it which made me turn out as well as I did, yes.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01It was a modern comprehensive, yes.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04We were the oiks. We didn't have any shoes.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06We didn't have feet!
0:07:06 > 0:07:10It's much better than America where they don't have this silly class nonsense.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14Britain has a maturity that America doesn't have yet.
0:07:14 > 0:07:19America's still impressed with religion in a way that Britain's gotten over a little bit.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23Right now, we've got a class and a half.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27It's going to take us another hundred years to get three classes.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29So, yeah, it's a little different there.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36I thought they relied on good old-fashioned racism.
0:07:36 > 0:07:41If a class system is what you use to discriminate against people
0:07:41 > 0:07:46who look like you, that's an advanced form of racism.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Britain has racism, it's just not very good at it.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Y'all give it a go, but...!
0:07:57 > 0:08:01I mean, you know, like ginger-haired people.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04That ain't even a race, and, you know...
0:08:04 > 0:08:08Y'all lay into them like... LAUGHTER
0:08:11 > 0:08:14What evidence has been called into question a lot this week?
0:08:14 > 0:08:18- Is this the evidence of climate change?- Yes.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21The debate on that is over now.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25There were two sides to it but now Sarah Palin has joined the debate.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28And she says that global warming is a sham.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30So it obviously is.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34She's from Alaska, and it's cold there.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Probably why she hasn't noticed global warming!
0:08:37 > 0:08:39So that's it, it's all over.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43Yeah, but the 35,000 delegates in Copenhagen seem pretty convinced by it.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Well, they should listen to a proper scientist like Sarah Palin.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52She's been studying climate change all morning.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58The whole thing's been made up... deliberately.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00By polar bears.
0:09:02 > 0:09:08They're up to no good, trying to get free passage south, so they're saying, "Ooh, the ice has gone,"
0:09:08 > 0:09:11so they can come and live here. It's all in the Daily Mail!
0:09:11 > 0:09:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:15 > 0:09:18What's the Top Gear views on that, James?
0:09:18 > 0:09:23Personally I'm with Sarah Palin in that I, too, don't have a bastard clue what I'm talking about.
0:09:25 > 0:09:30- I don't care, actually. - You don't care about the planet at all?- Not very much.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Hanging around with Clarkson has really rubbed off on you!
0:09:33 > 0:09:37- AS JEREMY CLARKSON: - "All I want to do is drive fast!"
0:09:37 > 0:09:42That's the confusing thing because you hear compelling opinions
0:09:42 > 0:09:44made to sound like evidence on both sides.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47So, I didn't know which way to go.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51I took some ice-cubes and left them outside for a little while.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58I'm going to have to get my own data.
0:10:01 > 0:10:06After a few hours, they had melted, but not completely.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08So my research is inconclusive on this one.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11LAUGHTER
0:10:12 > 0:10:18I did a similar experiment because I keep being told by people who have read the Guardian that morning
0:10:18 > 0:10:23that if the ice caps melt that means there'll be more water in the sea and East Anglia,
0:10:23 > 0:10:27which is coincidentally where a lot of this data is coming from, will end up under water.
0:10:27 > 0:10:33I put two ice-cubes in a gin and tonic and waited for them to melt, but it didn't get any higher.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36REG: Will you send your data over to me later?
0:10:38 > 0:10:41You've take Reg's work on a little bit further
0:10:41 > 0:10:44because you've added gin and tonic to the ice cube method here.
0:10:44 > 0:10:49That's very interesting. You're standing on the shoulders of giants.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Exactly. Look at him.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55Heinrich Hertz, he merely identified the electromagnetic wave
0:10:55 > 0:10:58and then it was other people who... REG: I was about to say that shit!
0:11:02 > 0:11:04But there are real scientists working.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07It's not just people on the Guardian, is it, James really?
0:11:07 > 0:11:12There are people in universities and research centres who think that the climate is...
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Before you go any further, what research have YOU done?
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Reg and I haven't done much, but it is a start.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25We all do what we can.
0:11:27 > 0:11:33This is Alistair Darling's Pre-Budget Report which included a supertax on bankers' bonuses.
0:11:33 > 0:11:38Warning of an exodus of bankers, Stuart Fraser, head of policy at the City of London Corporation said:
0:11:43 > 0:11:46It's a perfect analogy, assuming the footballers in question
0:11:46 > 0:11:48have each scored a hat trick of own goals,
0:11:48 > 0:11:53got their team relegated and caused the entire stadium to collapse.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57APPLAUSE
0:11:57 > 0:12:01Britain's credit rating is one of Alistair Darling's major concerns. According to the Times:
0:12:05 > 0:12:10Which means you look at the size of the debt and go "Aaa!"
0:12:14 > 0:12:19Also this week, world leaders have been gathering in Copenhagen for the Climate Change Summit.
0:12:19 > 0:12:24Among those leading the protest march was Michael Fish, who warned if we do do nothing:
0:12:28 > 0:12:32Well, if that's what Michael Fish is forecasting, we can all relax.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Paul and James, here's yours.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41This is the roundabout in Swindon.
0:12:41 > 0:12:42And this is Disneyland.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44The two places are magical worlds.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47You can't tell which one's which. That's Disneyland.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51- No, that's Swindon.- Are you sure? - Yeah. No.- That's Swindon.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54What's he doing to the invisible woman?
0:12:54 > 0:12:58Disneyland and Swindon are twinned together for a year.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01There was a local resident of Swindon, there was a competition,
0:13:01 > 0:13:05"tell Disneyland why your town should be twinned with Disneyland."
0:13:05 > 0:13:08She wrote something along the lines of, "The roundabout system
0:13:08 > 0:13:14"is such that it resembles the teacup ride you have in Disneyland, when you're going and round."
0:13:14 > 0:13:17And "My husband's short and my name's Snow White." Something like that?
0:13:17 > 0:13:21It's exactly right. She's called Rebecca Warren. What did she win?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24A plaque in Disneyland that says "We're twinned with Swindon."
0:13:24 > 0:13:28And she flies to unveil it. According to the Daily Mail:
0:13:37 > 0:13:41So, book early to ensure disappointment.
0:13:41 > 0:13:46What did you think might have been the key to Swindon's victory?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Being one of very few entrants?
0:13:50 > 0:13:54According to the Guardian, the judges made their decision
0:13:54 > 0:13:57in favour of the town "without visiting".
0:14:01 > 0:14:04According to the Telegraph, Swindon's cultural highlight
0:14:04 > 0:14:08was that it was "used as a backdrop to a 1994 Benylin commercial".
0:14:10 > 0:14:14Who was quick to turn the announcement to political advantage?
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- MP for Swindon.- Yes. South Swindon.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Did he claim the entire Magic Kingdom as a second home?
0:14:24 > 0:14:26She said:
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- Amazing.- What did we learn from a Disney historian recently
0:14:35 > 0:14:37about Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs?
0:14:37 > 0:14:42- That it wasn't true. - No, that it was going to be Snow White And The Nine Dwarfs.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45The final seven were chosen from a short list of 50.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48- Very short list! - AUDIENCE GROAN
0:14:48 > 0:14:51There were two who only just failed to make it.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54- Does anyone know what they might have been called? - Rather unusual names...
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Brainy or Slouchy or something like that.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Contagious? Something like that. Itchy.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03It was Jumpy and Baldy.
0:15:08 > 0:15:13- Can you name any of the other possible dwarfs?- Scabby.- Scabby?!
0:15:14 > 0:15:16- Loony.- Funky.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Junkie, he would have been...
0:15:19 > 0:15:22A friend of Dopey!
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Other names considered were:
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Shorty is one of the more desperate ones.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42There's seven dwarfs.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46How much more growth restricted is this bloke, that he's Shorty?
0:15:46 > 0:15:53This is the news that the magic world of Disney has been twinned with the tragic world of Swindon.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02According to the Telegraph, when it comes to entertainment, Disneyworld boasts:
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Swindon offers:
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Even worse, she wakes up.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17It wasn't just Swindon celebrating this week -
0:16:17 > 0:16:20there was good news for the town of Douglas on the Isle of Man
0:16:20 > 0:16:23after it was left £11,000 in the will of Mr Douglas
0:16:23 > 0:16:25on the grounds that it shared his name.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29What a marvellous generous gesture, hinted the mayor of the village of Hislop.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38So to round two. Some viewers may know that I was in an American cop show.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- What was it called?- The Wire.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44Oh right! I must look out for it.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- It's not on any more.- Oh.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51In honour of cop shows, this round features the Squad Car of News.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- The Squad Car of News. - ALARM BELL RINGS
0:16:56 > 0:16:58BUZZER
0:16:58 > 0:17:02There was a story I saw that on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Into It, Get Me Out Of It,
0:17:02 > 0:17:06I won't wear this, who's that, kiss my aunt, whatever it's called.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09They were starving far away from the nearest camera crew
0:17:09 > 0:17:13and they found that in order to eat something they ate a rat
0:17:13 > 0:17:16and this caused a great deal of trouble at the RSPCA
0:17:16 > 0:17:19because the rat was a Vice-President of the local branch
0:17:19 > 0:17:23and despite trying to get away in the car he caught up with it and ate it.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27- Who were the two contestants? - There you've got me, you see, which is an ironic reflection
0:17:27 > 0:17:31on I'm A Celebrity, as I don't know who either of them are.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34What sort of punishment could the two celebrities be looking at?
0:17:34 > 0:17:39- Is it the death penalty? - Or another series of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Whichever is the sooner.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Perhaps they should be killed on the programme.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46I'm A Fatality.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49I'm A Fatality, Cut Me Down.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54- Three years in jail. - Three years in jail?!- Yep.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Di Campo, the Italian chef was:
0:18:01 > 0:18:07So easily they go from that to eating rats. It's a gateway crime.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11In other rodent news, does anyone know what this is?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13- Is it Go Go Hamster?- That's it.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17It's battery powered and it runs around on the floor.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19If you stroke it, it makes a noise.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21It's also poisonous.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23- Yeah.- Deliberately?!
0:18:24 > 0:18:26A must-have toy!
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Slightly more dangerous than a real hamster.
0:18:29 > 0:18:34JAMES: It is, because you can suck a real hamster quite safely but this has got...
0:18:34 > 0:18:37LAUGHTER This has got arsenic.
0:18:37 > 0:18:43They'll learn to love you for it. Do it gently. Introduce it. Don't go straight in.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Start with an ear.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53The Go Go Hamster has arsenic on it.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- That's it.- Or antimony, which is very closely related to arsenic.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59There's more than the accepted proportion of it
0:18:59 > 0:19:02in the composition of its fur and its nose or eyeball or something.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06If your children stick it in their mouths they at least go mad.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08I know, I've sucked one.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12So you don't have to!
0:19:15 > 0:19:19Well, dizziness and headaches from Mr Squiggles' skin.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22The makers are claiming that it's perfectly safe.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24They are, they've denied all accusations.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Why has this toy mouse been in the news?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Because it resembles an elephant.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32No, it's not. It's been recalled by its distributors
0:19:32 > 0:19:36after a mother complained that instead of singing Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
0:19:36 > 0:19:40it appeared to be warbling, "Paedophile, paedophile."
0:19:44 > 0:19:46A rousing chorus in a minute.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49# Paedophile, paedophile paedo all the way!
0:19:49 > 0:19:52# Oh, what fun it... # No.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Why has Nonja the orang-utan become an internet star?
0:19:59 > 0:20:02He's doing something hysterical in captivity.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Nonja's a she. She's been given a digital camera
0:20:04 > 0:20:08and the photographs are posted on her Facebook page.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Is it her and her mates pissed?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Not bad!
0:20:13 > 0:20:17- Another one.- She's not a wedding photographer, is she?
0:20:19 > 0:20:21This is a new low for this programme.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Photographs taken by an orang-utan.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Have we run out of Prescott gags or something?
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's another one for you.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36BUZZER
0:20:36 > 0:20:40It's simple, I think. The Queen has issued a statement during the week
0:20:40 > 0:20:43saying she doesn't want the paparazzi hanging around
0:20:43 > 0:20:46during the Christmas holidays and that sort of stuff.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48She doesn't want unflattering pictures
0:20:48 > 0:20:51of the Royal Family as they go about their business.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Perfectly legitimate business of sucking hamsters.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Why's the Queen taken a tough stance against the paparazzi?
0:20:58 > 0:21:03She must be worried, she knows the car in front's being driven by a rat.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08There were other photos of the Queen too a while ago. Anyone remember what she was doing?
0:21:08 > 0:21:11The Coronation, 1953?
0:21:11 > 0:21:14She was made Queen, it was in all the papers.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17She was twisting a pheasant's neck.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Misplaced H!
0:21:22 > 0:21:26I was going to make a similar joke but a different way.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- After you.- No, man, you are on fire.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Despite not wanting to be photographed, the Queen has been
0:21:35 > 0:21:40highly visible somewhere else this week. Do you know where it is?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Stamps.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43- LAUGHTER - And money as well.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Has she been to the theatre lately?
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Yes, she has. It was the Royal Variety Performance.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51She had to sit through an evening of acts such as:
0:21:58 > 0:22:01And people say the Queen doesn't earn her money.
0:22:02 > 0:22:07The winner of Britain's Got Talent, that's the point of that show, isn't it?
0:22:07 > 0:22:09They become Queen?
0:22:09 > 0:22:11- She won?- I've never seen the end.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13- She won in 1953.- She won in 1953.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Britain's Got Talent. She played the spoons.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23What will the Queen be forced to do every time she leaves the country?
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- Abdicate. - Take her passport with her?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Yes. She has to have her identity checked, according to The Mail,
0:22:29 > 0:22:32because at new border controls she will be compelled to:
0:22:43 > 0:22:47If I was the Queen, I'd go out of my way not to have any ID with me.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51I wouldn't have no ID, I wouldn't have the crown or nothing.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53I would talk in a different voice.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57I would turn up and I'd go, "I'm the Queen, bitch, let me in."
0:22:59 > 0:23:01This is the plea for privacy from the Queen.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03According to the Sunday Telegraph:
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Others thank them.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:23:13 > 0:23:16This week also saw the Royal Variety Performance.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20In keeping with tradition, the Queen met the performers after the show.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Although when Her Majesty heard the words, "And this is Lady Gaga,"
0:23:23 > 0:23:29for one horrible moment she thought it was that mad aunt she'd had bricked up 50 years ago.
0:23:29 > 0:23:33Lady Gaga was formerly known as Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta,
0:23:33 > 0:23:37a fact which proved the perfect ice-breaker for Prince Philip
0:23:37 > 0:23:40as he'd once shot a German otter on holiday in Bavaria.
0:23:45 > 0:23:51Time for missing words round, which this week features as its guest publication the Wire magazine.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Sorry, it's the Cheese Wire Magazine.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57"News for cheese lovers". We start with:
0:23:59 > 0:24:02All people that on earth do dwell.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:07 > 0:24:11You said that like a man who'd been waiting to say that for years.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14The answer is:
0:24:15 > 0:24:21This is the story that after 50 years, the MoD has closed down its UFO investigation unit.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24The MOD says it's received thousands of reports over the years
0:24:24 > 0:24:28but none revealed evidence of a potential threat to the UK.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32If only we'd had those UFO guys working on the WMD.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33Next:
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Hitting a cow's arse with a banjo.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46It's not as easy as you think.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48- The plougman's lunch.- The science?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50This is from The Cheese Wire.
0:24:50 > 0:24:55The ploughman's lunch is based on the tradition snack of the average worker on the British farm.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Which of course these days is borscht and vodka.
0:25:02 > 0:25:03Next:
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Berlusconi not going to confession.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Is it the devil goes on holiday?
0:25:19 > 0:25:21The answer is:
0:25:23 > 0:25:26According to Vatican officials, starting two hours earlier
0:25:26 > 0:25:30will allow the Pope time to rest before Christmas Day.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33He can get a little overexcited and wake up very early.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38Next:
0:25:40 > 0:25:42It's mine.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Too much information.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56It's nearly always goat's cheese. Next:
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Safety.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02SINGLE LAUGH
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Thank you, Madam.
0:26:04 > 0:26:10Please don't laugh on your own, I know you've just thought of a joke that occurred to you some time ago.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13It seems odd if you're the only one laughing.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16It makes people think I'm working you with my foot.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20The answer is:
0:26:24 > 0:26:27REG: I was going to say that next.
0:26:27 > 0:26:32This is after a 45 year-old dressed as an elf whispered, "I'm carrying dynamite"
0:26:32 > 0:26:34into the ear of Santa.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37The shopping mall was quickly evacuated -
0:26:37 > 0:26:41not as quickly as Santa's bowels. Next:
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Phwoarr! Ha ha ha!
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Your Majesty.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00No, apparently, it's sexist to say:
0:27:03 > 0:27:06This is a Liberal Democrat councillor who has been branded sexist
0:27:06 > 0:27:09for likening a female colleague to a trifle.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Is she full of sherry?
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Hundreds and thousands have been sprinkled... Forget that.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21So, the final scores.
0:27:21 > 0:27:27Ian and Reg have three points, but Paul and James have four points.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36And I leave you with news that, in central London, disaster strikes
0:27:36 > 0:27:40for one internet user as his browsing history pops up on the screen.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Outside a theatre in Brixton there are suspicions that Girls Aloud
0:27:50 > 0:27:53may have made a slight faux pas with their choice of costume.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03And, in Basra, everyone manages to keep a straight face
0:28:03 > 0:28:06as the goat turd vol au vent finally finds its target.
0:28:11 > 0:28:12Thank you, good night.
0:28:48 > 0:28:51True story. A woman came up to me in the supermarket on Friday
0:28:51 > 0:28:54and says, "I know your face, you're Ian Hislop."
0:28:55 > 0:28:59I said, "No, but I'm his brother." She said, "You look just like him."
0:29:02 > 0:29:05Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd