0:00:25 > 0:00:30APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43I'm Alexander Armstrong. In the news this week,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46as the Tories attempt to boost their vote in Scotland,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49there's a better reception than expected for the Conservative campaign bus.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Campaigning in the Lake District,
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Vince Cable reluctantly agrees to take part in a photo opportunity.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12After a photo call in Downing Street, Gordon Brown tells colleagues
0:01:12 > 0:01:14that if they doubt his ability to win the election,
0:01:14 > 0:01:16they should come in for a private chat.
0:01:27 > 0:01:28And just a few minutes later,
0:01:28 > 0:01:31John Prescott pops in to Number 10 to use the downstairs loo.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35LAUGHTER
0:01:40 > 0:01:43On Ian Hislop's team is a writer and broadcaster
0:01:43 > 0:01:45who presents the BBC Four quiz show Only Connect.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47For those of you who have never watched it,
0:01:47 > 0:01:49BBC Four is a sort of arts channel.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53- Please welcome Victoria Coren. - APPLAUSE
0:01:57 > 0:02:00And with Paul Merton tonight is a man described by Wikipedia
0:02:00 > 0:02:03as one of the leading hidden masters of British comedy.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Proving how easy it is to write your own entry on Wikipedia.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- Please welcome Richard Herring. - APPLAUSE
0:02:15 > 0:02:17We start with... Well, what else could it possibly be?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19The story everyone's talking about.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Paul and Richard, take a look at this.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26It's obviously Scrabble.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29It looks like it's been commissioned this short film, has it?
0:02:29 > 0:02:30- I play a lot of Scrabble.- Do you?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33- I'm furious about this very story. - What is the story?
0:02:33 > 0:02:37They're allowing you basically to just make up your own words,
0:02:37 > 0:02:38as far as I can see,
0:02:38 > 0:02:41which makes it a lot easier game.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Previously, the rules were that you can't have a proper noun.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47- So you couldn't have Paul.- No. - You could have Hislop -
0:02:47 > 0:02:48that probably means something.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50I think it means
0:02:50 > 0:02:52"man who increasingly looks more like
0:02:52 > 0:02:55"his Spitting Image puppet than he does".
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Er, and... Ooh!
0:02:57 > 0:03:00We don't know whether this is the puppet or not.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02We haven't established that.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04I think you'll find that he might be right.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08But now they're allowing you to use any proper names.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10So that just means anything really.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- It's made it easier?- It does. I'm going to have a child and call it
0:03:13 > 0:03:16QVPRXUR, and then it's a proper name.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Anything's allowed. I play a lot but, um...
0:03:19 > 0:03:23- Destroy a child's life just to get some points in Scrabble.- Yes, a lot!
0:03:23 > 0:03:26I was brought up with no proper names. Now, according to the owners,
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- you can use words like Beyonce... - Mm-hm.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32..which I gather is a type of tree.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36What's quite enjoyable about this is there are professional...
0:03:36 > 0:03:40professional Scrabble players, which there are some of,
0:03:40 > 0:03:43that use the most obscure words like za - Z-A's allowed -
0:03:43 > 0:03:47- that means pizza and io and ja and all these kind...- Z-A means pizza?
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Pizza, yes. Short for pizza - za. You use that all the time, surely?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Pizza's a fairly short word.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56I don't like your definition of Hislop.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58RICHARD CHUCKLES
0:03:58 > 0:04:02Particularly coming from someone wearing that particular moustache.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Well, I think that last week you had the guy from UKIP on,
0:04:05 > 0:04:09and they wanted someone more right wing. So I was the only...
0:04:09 > 0:04:11APPLAUSE
0:04:11 > 0:04:16I got in first. Just a misunderstanding. I'm doing a show
0:04:16 > 0:04:19trying to reclaim the toothbrush moustache for comedy.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- Charlie Chaplin had it first. Didn't he? You know about him.- Yeah.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25And then Hitler came along and ruined it for everyone, didn't he?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Probably the worst thing he ever did, but, er...
0:04:27 > 0:04:29LAUGHTER
0:04:30 > 0:04:34- I have to say... - That's as far as history records.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- That's explained it. I'm very happy now.- Good.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Hopefully that'll stay in the show, or I'm going to look like an idiot.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Back to Scrabble to cut back into it.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48"UKIP" would score 10.
0:04:48 > 0:04:49UKIP would...
0:04:49 > 0:04:53If you were allowed it, it would be quite good. A K and a U are nasty
0:04:53 > 0:04:57to get rid of. Up to now we've had auk. It's had to be auk. Can you...?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Can I phone my agent? I think I'm booked in the wrong show.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04I think it's the change of day that's confused me.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09This is the controversial change allowing Scrabble players
0:05:09 > 0:05:11to use place names and celebrity names. According to The Mail,
0:05:11 > 0:05:14the makers hope to make Scrabble appeal to youth by allowing...
0:05:16 > 0:05:19..to which young people in their thousands have responded, "Uh...?"
0:05:20 > 0:05:22The makers of Scrabble have announced...
0:05:24 > 0:05:27There's a good one - July. 42 on a triple word.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29- It would be 45 on a triple word. - Oh, would it?
0:05:30 > 0:05:348, 1, 1, 5 for the Y, 15 - 45.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Tile counting!
0:05:36 > 0:05:37I'm just saying!
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Ian and Victoria, here is yours.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44"Vote for change." That's about changing the Scrabble rules again.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Ah, that's Gordon shaking someone's hand.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49She's bemused... They're off!
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Look - double act.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55OK, so this is the election. It's incredibly exciting.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58They said, "We're going to announce the election," and then they did!
0:05:58 > 0:06:00And it was brilliant.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03May 6th. Which is Tony Blair's birthday.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04Something to celebrate.
0:06:04 > 0:06:09And what better present than to see Gordon Brown comprehensively beaten?
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Absolutely make his day.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14No, I think everybody's very depressed about it.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16You know those great tennis matches
0:06:16 > 0:06:20where you think it's a great shame for either of them to lose?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22It's like the opposite of that.
0:06:22 > 0:06:27Peter Mandelson said, "You've got a choice between granite and plastic."
0:06:27 > 0:06:29The problem with the metaphor...
0:06:29 > 0:06:33He's saying it's granite - Gordon, plastic - Cameron.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36I mean, plastic's quite useful in the modern world.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40I don't know how many of you use a granite bag...
0:06:40 > 0:06:42for your shopping.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44I feel that's Gordon, really.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48A bit useless.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50But again, there's no bias on this show, so, um...
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Let's get on with the election, they're all off.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55- They are. - And it's incredibly exciting.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59If it's exciting, it's cos there are all these independents.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01I think it's still technically possible
0:07:01 > 0:07:03for Joanna Lumley to form a party and sweep to power.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07There's a lot of not very interesting bits of trivia
0:07:07 > 0:07:08floating round the papers.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Anyone see what The Times had to say?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13It revealed on the day of the announcement that...
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Once again she just said, "Yeah...go on..."
0:07:18 > 0:07:22What did Cameron say he was doing in his first campaign speech?
0:07:22 > 0:07:24He was talking about the people who are ignored.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26He's going to reach out to the Great Ignored.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31Nice of him to think of Nick Clegg at this time.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Did you see where the two main party leaders went on their first jaunts?
0:07:34 > 0:07:38- He went north.- Yep.- To prove that he's...northern.- Yep.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- Which you can tell from his accent and his background.- You can.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44- And Brown came south to Kent. - That's right.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48But even on the campaign trail, he's fantastically competitive...
0:07:48 > 0:07:49What age are you?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- Five.- Five.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53My son's six.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02That's not even the symbol for five.
0:08:04 > 0:08:09Also, I'd check Gordon's figures. He's had some problems with those.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13If they're anything like the defence budget or immigration,
0:08:13 > 0:08:15his son's probably 18.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Meanwhile, according to The Telegraph...
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Completely wasted on the people who live there.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Of course, we mustn't forget Nick Clegg throughout all this, must we?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30- How is The Times... - LAUGHTER
0:08:30 > 0:08:33How is The Times monitoring the parties' progress?
0:08:33 > 0:08:36You say Scrabble's changing its rules.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40They've recruited a jury of Mumsnetters.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- Mumsnet?- Mumsnetters, yes.- Mumsnet? - Mumsnetters, yeah.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45These are what they said about our potential...
0:08:45 > 0:08:47I know about them, you don't have to tell me.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50- If these women saw Gordon Brown in a coffee shop...- I know all this.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02And, of course, we mustn't forget Nick Clegg - one Mumsnetter said...
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Various secret weapons are being wheeled out -
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- what's Cameron's secret weapon? - It's Samantha.- Exactly.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14- It's the wife. - It's the foetus inside his wife.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18That's as bad as naming your child for a Scrabble game...
0:09:18 > 0:09:21when he gets to 18 go, "We just had you so we could win the election.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24"We called you Victor."
0:09:26 > 0:09:29It was nearly Slim Majority.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Well, here's Gordon with his secret weapon,
0:09:32 > 0:09:34the lovely Sarah.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37And here's Cameron with the lovely Samantha.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39And there's Nick with, um...
0:09:42 > 0:09:44And, er, SamCam, as she's called...
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Why can't people speak properly? SamCam is what she's now called.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Well, everything has to be shortened. SuBo.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57They never do that for Pete Doherty, do they? For some reason...
0:10:01 > 0:10:03No, you're right!
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Did you see The Guardian's April Fool?
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Yes.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Did they produce a whole newspaper?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16The fake story being a picture of Gordon Brown looking a bit moody,
0:10:16 > 0:10:19and the headline was "Step Outside, Posh Boy".
0:10:19 > 0:10:21People actually thought it was quite effective,
0:10:21 > 0:10:24somehow implying that posh boys are sort of weedy, in some way.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29He doesn't look like he'd be good in a fight, though.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30I think he'd be sort of petulant.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I think he'd come at you with an axe!
0:10:34 > 0:10:36I don't think so. I think he'd slam the door
0:10:36 > 0:10:39and then come back and go, "And here's another thing,"
0:10:39 > 0:10:42cos he'd thought of something really rude about half an hour later.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45He'd slam your head in the door. "Ya bastard, ya bastard, ya bastard!"
0:10:45 > 0:10:47What analogy did Gordon use
0:10:47 > 0:10:50to demonstrate how down he was with the kids?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52- Oh, God, football. - Yep, that's right.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59But the analogy falls down, because Wayne didn't go up to a door
0:10:59 > 0:11:00and smack his foot into it.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04And here's another recent example of Gordon's grasp of popular culture.
0:11:04 > 0:11:09You know, I think the only thing that I haven't been accused of recently
0:11:09 > 0:11:13is killing Archie Mitchell in the EastEnders.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16VICTORIA: 'The EastEnders.'
0:11:16 > 0:11:17In THE EastEnders!
0:11:19 > 0:11:24Like when your Gran says, "I've been watching The EastEnders."
0:11:24 > 0:11:26This is the official announcement
0:11:26 > 0:11:28that the General Election will be held on May 6th.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Launching his campaign at the old County Hall,
0:11:30 > 0:11:32David Cameron posed in front of Big Ben
0:11:32 > 0:11:36amongst supporters and food stalls. According to the Daily Mail...
0:11:37 > 0:11:39LAUGHTER
0:11:39 > 0:11:42That image gives you everything, doesn't it?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Now the election has been called,
0:11:44 > 0:11:47there's no time for a 10% increase in cider prices,
0:11:47 > 0:11:51so great news for West Country people who may resume the tradition
0:11:51 > 0:11:54of getting so smashed out of their skulls, they vote Lib Dem.
0:11:54 > 0:11:59So on to round two. In a homage to Victoria's shameless BBC Four rip-off
0:11:59 > 0:12:04- of our Odd One Out round, it's...- It is nothing to do with the odd one out!
0:12:04 > 0:12:09- It's connected things. There isn't an odd one out. How can it be a rip-off? That's a libel.- It's not a libel.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Trust me.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12LAUGHTER
0:12:12 > 0:12:14APPLAUSE
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Two points if you get the story from the first clue,
0:12:17 > 0:12:19one, if you require a second clue.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22So fingers on buzzers. Here is your first clue.
0:12:22 > 0:12:23BUZZER
0:12:23 > 0:12:26It's a woman who's scared of a mouse.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29She's scared of the fact that her head doesn't fit her body!
0:12:29 > 0:12:31LAUGHTER
0:12:31 > 0:12:33She is explaining to Gordon Brown that she's five.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35LAUGHTER
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Women are generally scared of stuff.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41They're not thick-skinned enough
0:12:41 > 0:12:45- to be interviewees on the Today programme on Radio 4.- Exactly right.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Although the editor of the programme said, "I was trying to make
0:12:48 > 0:12:51"the difference between being a newsreader on TV
0:12:51 > 0:12:52"and being a journalist on the radio.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54"And on the radio, you need thicker skin."
0:12:54 > 0:12:58I think he's the one with the problem. It's like man flu.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02He's a radio producer of a not terribly difficult show,
0:13:02 > 0:13:05so he says, "It's the most difficult thing in the world.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08"It's like fighting a war or being in a submarine when the air runs out.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11- "Women couldn't do it. I can, though, cos I'm special."- Know his name?
0:13:11 > 0:13:13- This man?- Ceri Thomas.- Yes.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16And who's the woman on the chair?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18- No idea.- I think, she's not...
0:13:18 > 0:13:20She's not important, is she?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Just some woman, you know...
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Come in to do the cleaning, probably.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27LAUGHTER
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Would you like to be on the Today programme?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Not after what I just said about its editor. It would be awkward.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35LAUGHTER
0:13:35 > 0:13:37You could handle it. You could do that.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39I'm not good at an early morning start.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42If they could move it to about midnight, I'm in.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45That's cos you're playing poker online all night!
0:13:45 > 0:13:48- Yes, that IS why!- If you went to bed at a reasonable time,
0:13:48 > 0:13:52you could have a job as a person on Today.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56You're so kind. I already have a mother...
0:13:56 > 0:13:57APPLAUSE
0:13:58 > 0:14:01What did former BBC royal correspondent and Today reporter
0:14:01 > 0:14:06- Jennie Bond have to say about this? - Bollocks!- That's right. She said...
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Shall we remind ourselves
0:14:11 > 0:14:14how much better men are at the tough political interviews?
0:14:14 > 0:14:18Here's Gavin Esler exuding authority on Newsnight last week.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20ALL GUESTS TALK AT ONCE
0:14:23 > 0:14:26The man who took us into an illegal invasion of Iraq
0:14:26 > 0:14:28and who's left this country less...
0:14:28 > 0:14:31THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
0:14:31 > 0:14:32Gentlemen...
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- They've put up taxes on the poor in order to...- Gentlemen.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39If that's fairness, all I can say is...
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- It's all yack, yack, yack. - Mr Prescott?
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Yes, this is the head of Radio 4's Today programme who's been accused
0:14:47 > 0:14:49of sexism after claiming women aren't tough enough
0:14:49 > 0:14:53to work on the show. Edwina Currie weighed into the debate
0:14:53 > 0:14:55about female news presenters insisting...
0:15:01 > 0:15:03I'm sure John Major would agree.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07Better news for womankind was the record number of female astronauts
0:15:07 > 0:15:08being launched into space this week -
0:15:08 > 0:15:11no fewer than three women lifted off from Cape Canaveral
0:15:11 > 0:15:12on board the Space Shuttle,
0:15:12 > 0:15:15although there was an embarrassing moment
0:15:15 > 0:15:17when they all turned up wearing the same outfit.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21Fingers on buzzers - here's the first clue to your last story.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Is it John Major again?
0:15:24 > 0:15:28Oddly contoured for an empty pair of pants that, isn't it?
0:15:31 > 0:15:32Here's another clue.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35It's more pants!
0:15:35 > 0:15:40RICHARD: It's not the new Olympic logo, is it? It looks like it.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Is it the women in the Space Shuttle husbands' underwear,
0:15:43 > 0:15:47waiting in the laundry basket for them to come back?
0:15:47 > 0:15:48LAUGHTER
0:15:55 > 0:15:57You better tell us.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Tyneside, South Tyneside, a man called Gary Craig...
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Collects underpants.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05..who has given himself a catchy nickname of Geordie Pantsman.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Is it to do with putting a different pair of pants on every day
0:16:09 > 0:16:12and by the end of the week not being able to put your trousers on?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- No.- It's like the joke where if you walked for 50 miles a day
0:16:15 > 0:16:19at the of the week, you're in Aberdeen? It's the same joke.
0:16:19 > 0:16:24- Do you know any jokes, Alexander?- No, not a one.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27That's a shame, isn't it?
0:16:27 > 0:16:32It's a simple record-breaking tale. He put on 211 pairs of pants...
0:16:32 > 0:16:35And by the end of the week, he couldn't get his trousers off.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Although he was in Aberdeen.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41He was actually in South Tyneside, which is some of the way there.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Let's have a look at him.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Thank God he had one pair on to begin with, eh?
0:16:56 > 0:16:59He could get another pair on there, why is he stopping?
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Was he called Geordie Pantsman first
0:17:04 > 0:17:07and then thought, "I've got to live up to this name somehow"?
0:17:07 > 0:17:11"I'll move to Newcastle and I'll put on some pants."
0:17:11 > 0:17:17That's it, is it? He puts on pants? An activity most people manage themselves once a day.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20What's the most pair of pants you've ever put on, Ian Hislop?
0:17:20 > 0:17:23One pair. 212.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28211 actually. He didn't make the 212.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Do you know why he didn't put on 212 pairs?
0:17:31 > 0:17:33- Cos I had them on. - He'd run out of pants.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35According to Pantsman...
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Surely this is something you would have planned before, isn't it?
0:17:42 > 0:17:46But 212 pairs would just be silly.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Who turned up to see Geordie Pantsman in action?
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Pierce Brosnan? No?
0:17:52 > 0:17:55No, about 150 people. Each paid three quid with the additional draw
0:17:55 > 0:17:57of a bar, a disco and...
0:18:02 > 0:18:05They're in the bin liner. There they are.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09On beating the previous record holder who lives in Australia, Gary boasted...
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Time now for the odd one out round.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- Paul and Richard, here's yours.- OK.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Tittle Cott Bridge in West Yorkshire.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22Marathon bars.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26The English Channel and the Co-op's ambient sausage roll.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Ambient sausage roll. Well, the English Channel
0:18:29 > 0:18:32was recently in the news this week, because I think it's the French
0:18:32 > 0:18:34or somebody wants to rename it the English Pond.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37So is it about things being renamed?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Like Marathon has famously become Snickers over the years.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Gradually. It started off being Sarathon and became Snarathon.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47So it's about name changes, isn't it?
0:18:47 > 0:18:49All these have been considered for name changes,
0:18:49 > 0:18:52but the only one that's changed it's name is Marathon.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54- No.- The Channel hasn't been named.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Right. The Channel hasn't been renamed.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58They've all been renamed, apart from the English Channel,
0:18:58 > 0:19:02which EU planners want to rename the Anglo-French Pond as part of an effort towards...
0:19:06 > 0:19:10That should improve relations between us and France for ever.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13In 1990, Marathons were renamed Snickers to bring them into line
0:19:13 > 0:19:14with the global brand.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17It was originally named after a horse belonging to the owners.
0:19:17 > 0:19:22Ironic the horse had been gelded, so no longer contained nuts.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26Tittle Cott Bridge - anyone followed the story of Tittle Cott bridge?
0:19:26 > 0:19:29It saw its name restored to the more traditional Tickle Cock Bridge,
0:19:29 > 0:19:32after angry local residents launched a campaign.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35A local newspaper said the council had been embarrassed, because...
0:19:39 > 0:19:43No, it's not an innuendo.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45It's a statement of fact.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49- Which group was particularly outraged?- Pedants.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51No. The...
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Their slogan is "Eh?".
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Yes. Can no-one think of any other UK locations
0:20:01 > 0:20:03that might need renaming cos they're a bit rude?
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Six Mile Bottom in Suffolk.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07I always laugh when I drive past that.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09There's Funbag Drive in Watford.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18And they may be heading to Hampshire to change the name of this place.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22'Surrounded by nature, the perfect getaway.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25'Sheer, natural beauty.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28'Located in the New Forest National Park.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30'Sandy Balls Holiday Centre...'
0:20:30 > 0:20:32LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:20:32 > 0:20:35'An exceptional holiday experience.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38'From luxury lodges to caravans and camping,
0:20:38 > 0:20:41'Sandy Balls, the year-round forest destination.'
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- On to the ambient sausage roll. - Ambient sausage roll, yeah.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Managers at the Co-op have agreed to remove the description "ambient"
0:20:47 > 0:20:48from its sausage roll labels
0:20:48 > 0:20:51after admitting they don't know what it meant.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55LAUGHTER
0:20:55 > 0:20:58In other renaming news, what job title has been glammed up
0:20:58 > 0:21:00to attract a higher calibre of candidate?
0:21:00 > 0:21:03- Prime Minister! - Dustman. Dustbin men.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06According to the Daily Star, a pool lifeguard in Ceredigion, Wales
0:21:06 > 0:21:07has been renamed...
0:21:13 > 0:21:15I'm going. I'm going there now.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19That covers more than swimming for some people, I tell you.
0:21:19 > 0:21:24Yes. They have all been renamed, apart from the English Channel,
0:21:24 > 0:21:28which EU planners want to rename the Anglo-French Pond.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32In Castleford, residents fought a campaign to retain the name of local landmark...
0:21:32 > 0:21:37There are other places with names that would make most people embarrassed to live there.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39There's Shitterton in Dorset,
0:21:39 > 0:21:40Twatt in Shetland.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Ian and Victoria, your four are...
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Anthea Turner, Welsh TV channel S4C,
0:21:51 > 0:21:56the funeral of Sir William Ormerod and a public toilet in Macclesfield.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00Sir William Ormerod you know about.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02When we had a memorial service for my dad,
0:22:02 > 0:22:04I got a tip-off that we might be visited
0:22:04 > 0:22:07by a serial gang of funeral crashers,
0:22:07 > 0:22:09these rather unsavoury people
0:22:09 > 0:22:12who knock about funerals of strangers in the hope of a free drink.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16So I invented Sir William Ormerod and put him on the internet
0:22:16 > 0:22:18and said there would be free drink after the funeral
0:22:18 > 0:22:19for family and friends only.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22They wrote to me, "I was so sorry to hear of Sir William's death.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25"I used to know him in the '40s in Yorkshire." Stuff like that.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29Plan A was to actually hold the funeral
0:22:29 > 0:22:31and fill all the free sandwiches with laxatives.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37But then I thought that might be a bit childish,
0:22:37 > 0:22:38so I didn't do that.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Once I knew who they were, I wrote about them in the paper.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42RICHARD: If they want free food,
0:22:42 > 0:22:45if you go to a Holiday Inn Express before 9.30, there's free breakfast.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49They don't check that you're staying at the hotel.
0:22:49 > 0:22:54That's going to be an interesting rush on Saturday morning around the country.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56The Welsh channel you mentioned,
0:22:56 > 0:23:00wasn't that recently in the news because some of its programmes
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- weren't technically getting any viewers at all?- Yes.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Do S4C just show a picture of a dragon?
0:23:05 > 0:23:08That's one of their more popular programmes.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10So they're not getting any viewers.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14William whatshisname didn't get any people at his funeral.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16- Is that the line we should be going down?- Yes.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18They all failed to attract public interest,
0:23:18 > 0:23:20apart from the funeral of Sir William Ormerod,
0:23:20 > 0:23:25which did indeed attract attendees, despite being totally fictitious.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27How many people used the toilet in Macclesfield
0:23:27 > 0:23:29between August 2008 and July 2009?
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Four, and three of them were on the outside.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37637...
0:23:39 > 0:23:41..which works out at...
0:23:41 > 0:23:45If anyone's watching, they can come and use my toilet for £25.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47VICTORIA: Apparently, you can use the toilets free
0:23:47 > 0:23:49at the Holiday Inn on a Saturday morning.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54You've got to talk yourself into somebody's room, though.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56"Just coming in to use the toilet."
0:23:57 > 0:24:01According to the Macclesfield Express, the most popular toilet
0:24:01 > 0:24:02is in West Street, which was used on...
0:24:05 > 0:24:07See "separate" - what's a separate...?
0:24:07 > 0:24:10I like to save it all up for one special...!
0:24:10 > 0:24:14One conjoined occasion!
0:24:14 > 0:24:16It makes Christmas for me.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Anthea Turner was forced to cancel all...
0:24:19 > 0:24:21sorry - BOTH - the dates
0:24:21 > 0:24:25of her Perfect Housewife tour, following poor ticket sales.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26Leave her alone!
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Two people wanted to come and see her. It's not bad, is it?
0:24:30 > 0:24:32It's not bad, but it's certainly not brilliant!
0:24:32 > 0:24:36The Welsh TV channel, S4C - a recent report revealed that viewing figures
0:24:36 > 0:24:40for some programmes were so low, they officially registered as zero.
0:24:40 > 0:24:45Can you name any of the programmes that failed to attract any viewers?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48The Anthea Turner Roadshow live from Preston.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50According to The Telegraph...
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Yes, they have all failed to attract public interest,
0:24:57 > 0:24:59apart from the funeral of Sir William Ormerod,
0:24:59 > 0:25:03which did attract attention, despite being totally factitious.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Anthea Turner's Perfect Housewife tour has been cancelled,
0:25:06 > 0:25:08following disastrous ticket sales.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10According to her own website...
0:25:14 > 0:25:18Although, ironically, no build-up of traffic around the theatre, Anthea.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21We seem to have it in for her, don't we?
0:25:21 > 0:25:23You've got a tour coming up, haven't you?
0:25:23 > 0:25:26- Yeah.- Advertised a year ago. How's that going?
0:25:26 > 0:25:30It's all right. Yeah, we're selling tickets, Paul.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33- You're selling tickets, are you? - Not in Preston, sadly, but...
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Wow. Look at that.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39There IS an Anthea Turner!
0:25:39 > 0:25:43This is like a very, very poor Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Tell you one thing about this programme,
0:25:47 > 0:25:51everybody's transfixed by a piece of paper that's coming down.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53That says a lot about our content, doesn't it?
0:25:53 > 0:25:58"My God! What's this? Vera, come in from the kitchen - look!"
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Time now for the missing words round,
0:26:01 > 0:26:04which this week features as its guest publication,
0:26:04 > 0:26:06the Pylon Appreciation Society newsletter.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10Issue 12 of the Pylon Appreciation Society newsletter
0:26:10 > 0:26:11features these pictures,
0:26:11 > 0:26:14pointing out that the photograph in the centre
0:26:14 > 0:26:16was taken from a moving train.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20Just out of shot, there's a train spotter shouting, "Get a life!"
0:26:22 > 0:26:23And we start with...
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Is it, "I used to get constantly interrupted, but... Not now!"
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Oh! Ann Widdecombe!
0:26:36 > 0:26:38- Oh, no!- No?
0:26:38 > 0:26:42Sorry, I've got this thing where I just suddenly say her name.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46This is one of the least embarrassing times it's happened, to be honest.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48It's when I get quite excited...
0:26:48 > 0:26:50"Sorry about that, dear!"
0:26:50 > 0:26:54This is according to Labour supporter Robert Harris.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56His novel, The Ghost, has just been made into a film
0:26:56 > 0:26:58directed by Roman Polanski.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00It comes out with a 15 rating,
0:27:00 > 0:27:01but Polanski swears it was an 18.
0:27:03 > 0:27:04Next...
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Developed the free-standing pylon.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Yes, he's right. He's absolutely right.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14I think you should have that, yes.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18Narrowly beating this...
0:27:21 > 0:27:22And finally...
0:27:25 > 0:27:29New novelist! Yeah, because she knew where they lived
0:27:29 > 0:27:32and she and dropped off a novel that she'd written
0:27:32 > 0:27:34that been turned down by publishers,
0:27:34 > 0:27:36and it's been accepted and it's doing well.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38This is exactly right.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40It made a pleasant change for Richard.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42He normally finds Judy on the doorstep.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45So, the final scores are...
0:27:47 > 0:27:49..Ian and Victoria have 5,
0:27:49 > 0:27:50Paul and Richard have 9.
0:27:50 > 0:27:51- Pathetic!- Oh!
0:27:51 > 0:27:53APPLAUSE
0:27:58 > 0:28:00I'll leave you with news that at a multiplex in Tehran,
0:28:00 > 0:28:04there's evidence that Iranian technology is lagging behind
0:28:04 > 0:28:05at a 3D screening of Avatar.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11As the Tory campaign ventures into a traditional Labour seat,
0:28:11 > 0:28:14the Camerons regret their visit to a local superglue factory.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23And in the Mediterranean, the paparazzi snap one of Russia's
0:28:23 > 0:28:26most famous personalities on holiday with his family.
0:28:30 > 0:28:31Good night.
0:28:48 > 0:28:51Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:51 > 0:28:54E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk