0:00:02 > 0:00:04- The first ever debate between the leaders is on - now.- Yes.
0:00:04 > 0:00:06- On the other side. - Yes, let's see what's happening.
0:00:06 > 0:00:10So you could switch over and watch the interesting bits now.
0:00:12 > 0:00:13Welcome back!
0:00:45 > 0:00:48APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Good evening.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Robert Webb.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59In the news this week, at a concert in London,
0:00:59 > 0:01:02there's an uncomfortable moment for Ricky Martin
0:01:02 > 0:01:05when he spots his stalker in the audience.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07LAUGHTER
0:01:11 > 0:01:14After the sad death of the world's smallest man,
0:01:14 > 0:01:17someone enquires whether his clothes will be on eBay.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19LAUGHTER
0:01:22 > 0:01:25And after enjoying a gaffe-free start to the campaign,
0:01:25 > 0:01:29Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg relaxes at his last photo op of the week.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35LAUGHTER
0:01:37 > 0:01:40On Ian's team is an actor from the Channel 4 drama series Shameless.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44He plays a character who lives somewhere absolutely dreadful -
0:01:44 > 0:01:45the north!
0:01:45 > 0:01:50Please welcome Manchester's third most famous Gallagher, David Threlfall.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52APPLAUSE
0:01:55 > 0:01:56And on Paul's team is a comedian
0:01:56 > 0:01:59who recently hosted the confessional chat show
0:01:59 > 0:02:01I've Never Seen Star Wars on late-night BBC Four,
0:02:01 > 0:02:05which is probably why I've never seen I've Never Seen Star Wars.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Please welcome Marcus Brigstocke.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09APPLAUSE
0:02:11 > 0:02:14And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Ian and David, take a look at this.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19- Oh, yes.- The Prime Minister meeting the voters.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22- "I am Gordon..." - In front of a cornfield!
0:02:22 > 0:02:24There's that stalker again.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28- Oh, there's a midget on Penny Lane. - It's Clegg.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31# We are the three amigos... #
0:02:31 > 0:02:35"And this is Paul's skin I got in the settlement as well."
0:02:35 > 0:02:38This is the election.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42- Isn't it?- Yes, it absolutely is, and it's all go.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- They're wheeling out their top supporters - Heather Mills...- Ah!
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- ..for the Lib Dems.- Oh!
0:02:47 > 0:02:50She's being paid by the other two parties.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52- LAUGHTER - It's true!
0:02:52 > 0:02:56You feel incredibly sorry for the Lib Dems. Who else is coming up?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58It's...Dr Crippen!
0:03:00 > 0:03:02But apart from wheeling out the celebs,
0:03:02 > 0:03:04they brought out the manifestos?
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Right. Yes, indeed. We've got a cover of the Labour manifesto.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10It's lovely. Who wouldn't want to live there?
0:03:10 > 0:03:11- Yeah...- Bang!
0:03:11 > 0:03:13It does look like a nuclear explosion!
0:03:13 > 0:03:17They're going, "I remember when all this was banks!"
0:03:17 > 0:03:20LAUGHTER
0:03:20 > 0:03:23It's socialist realism, isn't it?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Indeed, a bit of socialist realism.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27It's an attempt by Gordon to suggest
0:03:27 > 0:03:30- that the future is going to be socialist.- Yes.- Which it isn't.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32In fact, some papers have noticed the similarity
0:03:32 > 0:03:35to this Chairman Mao poster.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36LAUGHTER
0:03:36 > 0:03:40Not quite sure if that was the message we were hoping for.
0:03:40 > 0:03:45I think the message is the sun shines out of the leader's bottom...in both cases.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48- In fact, we've made a little special thing...- A special thing?
0:03:48 > 0:03:50- We've made a little special thing. - Lovely.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52- You treat us!- A special thing. - A special thing!
0:03:52 > 0:03:56- Not for the last time tonight, Paul. - Oh, really?- A special thing...
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- How exciting! I might stay up! - LAUGHTER
0:03:59 > 0:04:01The other thing it reminds me a little bit of...
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Yeah, OK.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06LAUGHTER
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Where's the rest of the Cabinet?
0:04:10 > 0:04:14Dipsy, Laa-Laa, Po - there's quite a lot of him about.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Time for Tubby bye-byes, I suspect.
0:04:16 > 0:04:21Gordon's speeches are going down terrifically well on the campaign trail. Let's have a look at one.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25And we've got a situation where unless you have a global financial agreement
0:04:25 > 0:04:29about how you're going to tax the banking system...
0:04:29 > 0:04:31LAUGHTER
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Gordon Brown began the week in his home county of Fife.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38His wife Sarah got on the campaign trail persuading voters
0:04:38 > 0:04:41that her husband is a nice, normal sort of guy.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Unfortunately, she made the mistake of taking him with her.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48LAUGHTER
0:04:51 > 0:04:53What's he sat on?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Something hilarious!
0:04:55 > 0:04:59How did Lord Mandelson describe the Labour manifesto?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02He said it was "Blair plus" -
0:05:02 > 0:05:04it was what Gordon wanted,
0:05:04 > 0:05:07plus what Tony used to want, and it equals...
0:05:09 > 0:05:10..nothing!
0:05:10 > 0:05:13It's like Imodium Plus, really.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14You take it...
0:05:14 > 0:05:19if there's a massive amount of shit running through it,
0:05:19 > 0:05:21that's the one you take then.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25- Yeah.- If the shit just absolutely won't stop.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30That's a lovely image to leave!
0:05:30 > 0:05:33There was a lovely and touching moment - here's a press conference
0:05:33 > 0:05:36where Gordon is asked about his wife Sarah.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39She's the love of my life, and we work well together,
0:05:39 > 0:05:42and we like going round the country together,
0:05:42 > 0:05:44and I'm looking forward to the campaign.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47There you are. Isn't that nice? Thank you very much indeed.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48LAUGHTER
0:05:50 > 0:05:52He's just so patronising.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54It's like he's a ventriloquist, isn't it?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57"That's enough about people that aren't ME!"
0:05:57 > 0:06:02And which celebrities have come out in support of Labour?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04- David Tennant.- Oh, yes. - They've got Dr Who.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08With a Time Lord on their side, surely anything is possible!
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Meanwhile, who's come out for the Lib Dems?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Is it the Daleks?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15It's the Daleks - both the Daleks, and, of course,
0:06:15 > 0:06:19the much-loved national treasure, Heather Mills.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21What about the Tories?
0:06:21 > 0:06:22They've got Michael Caine.
0:06:22 > 0:06:27We're doing that in a bit, but we could do that now. Is that what happens?
0:06:27 > 0:06:31- Is that where we all do the impression of Michael Caine?- Yeah. - Great.- We'll look forward to that!
0:06:31 > 0:06:35The Baron of Bedwellty made an appearance on the Andrew Marr Show.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Lord Kinnock!
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Yes. Let's see what he said.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Now, talking of attractive politicians, of course,
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Gordon has got a radio face.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47LAUGHTER
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Does that mean he'll be going digital in two years' time?
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Yeah, the big switch-off.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56You would think with friends like that...
0:06:56 > 0:06:58I mean, he gave the man a peerage!
0:06:58 > 0:07:01He gave his wife a job in Europe - so ungrateful.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03"You're not much of an oil painting!"
0:07:03 > 0:07:06"Yeah, ugly! Thanks for the peerage!"
0:07:06 > 0:07:09That's how he talks at home!
0:07:09 > 0:07:11LAUGHTER Yeah!
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Now, some constituencies have got a celebrity actually standing...
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Esther Rantzen in Luton?
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Esther Rantzen, absolutely.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22I spent four weeks learning French with Esther Rantzen in Provence.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26Could you not have done the community service instead?!
0:07:27 > 0:07:30The week started badly for Labour thanks to this man.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32What did he do that people found offensive?
0:07:32 > 0:07:36- He Tweeted.- Yes. Does anybody know exactly what he said?
0:07:36 > 0:07:38He swore a lot on his texts?
0:07:38 > 0:07:39It's even better.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41And did he mention chavs?
0:07:41 > 0:07:45- He may have done, but that's not the answer on the card, Paul...- Ian.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48AUDIENCE: Oh-h!
0:07:48 > 0:07:53Ian, Ian! It's worth us getting badges. I've always said that. Ian, Ian, Ian.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Stuart MacLennan, a Labour candidate for Moray
0:07:57 > 0:08:01who was sacked for Tweeting offensive things. He said...
0:08:07 > 0:08:09And having secured the elderly vote,
0:08:09 > 0:08:12he moved on to ethical issues...
0:08:21 > 0:08:26But to be fair, he did show some depth of thought when it came to current political leaders.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34That's a bit pot and kettle for me!
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Anyone want to say anything about Nick Clegg and the Lib Dem campaign?
0:08:37 > 0:08:40No? OK!
0:08:40 > 0:08:44Well, according to The Times, at a care home for the elderly in Cardiff,
0:08:44 > 0:08:4784-year-old Ken Stacey was asked what he thought of Clegg.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01What did he say was making his head spin?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Osteopath?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05That would make more sense.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06Was it an exorcist?
0:09:06 > 0:09:11- No.- No? OK.- In an interview with The Observer, Nick Clegg said...
0:09:23 > 0:09:26All those years of people saying the Lib Dems are indecisive!
0:09:26 > 0:09:29According to The News Of The World,
0:09:29 > 0:09:32four in ten Lib Dem voters are prepared to vote tactically.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35The other six are just going to waste their vote, as usual.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Paul, Marcus, here's yours.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38Right.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40- I was at school with him.- Were you?
0:09:40 > 0:09:44David Cameron, obviously. "Where did you get those jackets from?"
0:09:44 > 0:09:47- And there's a...- Hey!
0:09:47 > 0:09:50And that's maybe the Conservative Party Manifesto,
0:09:50 > 0:09:53which is a nice sturdy blue. You could leave it on your mantelpiece
0:09:53 > 0:09:56- if the Archbishop of Canterbury came for tea.- Exactly.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00- Who wrote the Tories' manifesto? - Oliver Letwin.- Yes, it was.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Guttenplan, Emmanuel. Bzzt!
0:10:02 > 0:10:05We've got a lovely picture of Oliver Letwin.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07- Yes!- There we go!
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Haven't seen that for a while!
0:10:09 > 0:10:12MARCUS: Those are really working for him, aren't they?
0:10:12 > 0:10:15DAVID: Should have gone to Specsavers!
0:10:15 > 0:10:20- What was the main message of David Cameron?- Time for change.
0:10:20 > 0:10:25This is what opposition parties have to say when they've been in opposition for a while.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29His change is basically, "We can't think of what to do. You do it".
0:10:29 > 0:10:30That's what he's suggesting.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33If we don't like, you know, a local hospital or whatever,
0:10:33 > 0:10:35we'd have to run it.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37- That's fair enough.- You and I. - I can do that.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41- I can't do Sundays.- Oh, OK.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Who's running the police and the school?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45- Oh, I'll do them.- He'll do those.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49The good thing is that so many of the children are now criminalised,
0:10:49 > 0:10:51we can just merge the police and the schools...
0:10:51 > 0:10:55Get rid of the teachers. APPLAUSE
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Just put the police in the classroom.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Do we want "people" running things, really?
0:11:00 > 0:11:03I've met some people, and oh, blimey!
0:11:03 > 0:11:07How did Nick Clegg describe this "power to the people" manifesto?
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Did he say, "I don't want to run the country.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13- "That's why I'm a Lib Dem"?- Er, no.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15It's the only bias you're allowed to show nowadays,
0:11:15 > 0:11:17is against the third party.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21Do we have to be equal on this, then, and give equal time to...?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Absolutely. All parties.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26What if people switch off before the end of the programme?
0:11:26 > 0:11:30- You have to go round their house and tell them what you said.- Really?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32That's why I can't visit on Sundays.
0:11:32 > 0:11:39David Cameron said he wants to encourage anyone to empower themselves...
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Unless you're a gay couple and you want to stay in a B&B.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Is that what Chris Grayling said? This is what he...?
0:11:47 > 0:11:51- Chris Grayling, who's the Shadow Home Secretary...- Yes.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53He said that he thought if you owned a B&B,
0:11:53 > 0:11:57you could turn down a gay couple who wanted to come and stay,
0:11:57 > 0:12:00but you are running a public business and it's against the law.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02There are laws about that.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04He fell victim to it
0:12:04 > 0:12:09cos they misheard when he said he was a "homo-secretary",
0:12:09 > 0:12:12and they kicked him out of one, and it's always pissed him off.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15There was a fantastic letter to one of the newspapers.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Someone said, "Writing as a homosexual man,
0:12:18 > 0:12:21"I want to know what any gay couple are doing checking into a B&B
0:12:21 > 0:12:24"when they should be moving into a boutique hotel."
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Fair play to him!
0:12:27 > 0:12:30How has Cameron been trying to row back
0:12:30 > 0:12:34from Chris Grayling's comments about B&B owners?
0:12:34 > 0:12:37He said it's Conservative policy that you can,
0:12:37 > 0:12:40and if you're a B&B owner and you turn down gay couples,
0:12:40 > 0:12:42then that's a lot of the Shadow Cabinet.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44You can't say that, which is just ludicrous,
0:12:44 > 0:12:47so he said, "No, we're not doing that".
0:12:47 > 0:12:50- Yes.- Are there a lot of gay couples in the Shadow...?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53There's Alan Duncan, which I consider a lot!
0:12:53 > 0:12:55LAUGHTER
0:12:55 > 0:12:57He's not likely to stay in a B&B
0:12:57 > 0:12:59because he's got so many houses of his own, but...
0:12:59 > 0:13:04Yes, David Cameron did an interview with the Pink News, in which he said...
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Adding, "Especially if any gays have touched it".
0:13:12 > 0:13:18I think... I think that's what he said. I think that's right.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Here is David Cameron recently, making it absolutely clear
0:13:21 > 0:13:24what the Tory policy is on gay issues.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27When you often say you have free votes in this Parliament,
0:13:27 > 0:13:29the Parliament for which you're responsible,
0:13:29 > 0:13:32if you accept, as you did at the beginning of the interview,
0:13:32 > 0:13:34that gay equality is basically...
0:13:34 > 0:13:36No, sorry, you're right.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38- Should it be a free vote? - The answer about...
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Sorry. Sorry. Um... No, you're right.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44The two... Sorry, the two... Um...
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Ahh... LAUGHTER
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- You say it's a free vote.- Yeah. - You want us to vote for you.
0:13:50 > 0:13:51No, I think... Hold on...
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- If we vote for you, we want you to vote for us.- I do...
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Can we stop for a second?
0:13:56 > 0:14:01I really want to answer these questions. It's really hard. I'm finding...
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Either can we do a television interview or a press interview?
0:14:04 > 0:14:08I'd almost like to start completely from scratch.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12- He looked like he was having an Eton flashback there.- Yes.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Being asked questions by an angry homosexual.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17LAUGHTER
0:14:17 > 0:14:20What has David Cameron been using as a backdrop for photos
0:14:20 > 0:14:23to show he's in touch with the common folk?
0:14:23 > 0:14:24I don't know.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28- The Labour Party have got a big wheat field.- Yes.- It's not that?
0:14:28 > 0:14:30To show they're in touch with...wheat.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32- It's actually beer and bread.- Oh.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34There he is with some loaves.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38He visited a bread factory. That's not just a backdrop.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41The first thing he said to the workers, who depend on selling bread, was,
0:14:41 > 0:14:44"I've got a bread-making machine at home".
0:14:44 > 0:14:47- LAUGHTER - Yeah.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50There was a report this week that said white bread is cancerous
0:14:50 > 0:14:53and all that as well, it's not a good choice.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Are you saying he gives you cancer?
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Er, yes, hypothetically.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01In terms of balance,
0:15:01 > 0:15:04we have to suggest that also, the leaders of the Labour Party
0:15:04 > 0:15:07and Lib Dems will also give you very serious illnesses.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Nick Clegg will give you a mild...
0:15:09 > 0:15:11- A Chinese burn or something?- Yeah.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17- But Gordon will give you AIDS, so... - LAUGHTER
0:15:17 > 0:15:19You heard it here first.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23It's nearly time for the Michael Caine Impressions round.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Who has been roped in to support the Conservatives?
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- MARCUS: Is it Michael Caine? - Yes, it's Michael Caine!
0:15:29 > 0:15:31He said...
0:15:39 > 0:15:43Yes, cos it's middle-income earners like Sir Michael Caine
0:15:43 > 0:15:44who've really struggled.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48Still, at least he's not Heather Mills.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52Not to be outdone, Dave chipped in with a gag.
0:15:52 > 0:15:58As a project, I hope it does more than just blow the bloody doors off.
0:15:58 > 0:16:03Bang! He's on fire. "Yes, I'll take a question".
0:16:03 > 0:16:05- I'm here all week. - Crunch!
0:16:05 > 0:16:08- Can anyone do a Michael Caine impression?- Yes.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12Michael Caine, he's backstage at the Woodstock Festival in 1968
0:16:12 > 0:16:15and he's organised a load of prostitutes to look after the bands.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18When he comes back, he says, "What did you do for this band?
0:16:18 > 0:16:20"Oh, look, for the Doors,
0:16:20 > 0:16:23"you're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!"
0:16:23 > 0:16:26DAVID CHEERS
0:16:26 > 0:16:27Top of my head.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Later on, it was Lulu
0:16:29 > 0:16:31and hundreds of other impersonators,
0:16:31 > 0:16:34and he shouted, "Lulus! Thousands of them."
0:16:34 > 0:16:36LAUGHTER
0:16:36 > 0:16:38That was just as good.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41If that's the standard, we can all have a go!
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Elsewhere, the UKIP leaders have got together
0:16:44 > 0:16:47and come up with a brilliant new poster.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55It used to be a catchphrase in the Catholic Church.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58LAUGHTER
0:16:58 > 0:17:00I think that's "tot", isn't it?
0:17:00 > 0:17:04- "Sod the tot"? Um... - AUDIENCE GROANS
0:17:04 > 0:17:09This is the first British election to feature leader debates
0:17:09 > 0:17:11and right now ITV are hosting the first one,
0:17:11 > 0:17:14showing the other broadcasters how it should be done.
0:17:14 > 0:17:20Louis Walsh is currently moaning about being given Nick Clegg to mentor.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25And so to round two, Strange But True.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Buzz when you know what it is.
0:17:33 > 0:17:34BELL
0:17:34 > 0:17:37It's a new starter home.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Is this a man who tried to post himself?
0:17:40 > 0:17:41- Yes.- Is it?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43- Yes, it is. - LAUGHTER
0:17:47 > 0:17:48This is the news that a burglar
0:17:48 > 0:17:52has been posting himself to businesses in order to rob them.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Fantastic. Fantastic!
0:17:54 > 0:17:58- How does he get out with the loot? - How does he get himself delivered?
0:17:58 > 0:18:02Does he get into the box outside a Post Office with an address on it
0:18:02 > 0:18:07and hope the postman will go, "I must have missed that earlier, a 15-stone package"?
0:18:07 > 0:18:09- Unsurprisingly... - Is that him there?
0:18:09 > 0:18:12He looks like he's been very good to pose for photographs!
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Maybe the police, to take the piss out of him,
0:18:14 > 0:18:17got somebody to come along to an identity parade
0:18:17 > 0:18:19and said, "Everybody has to sit in a box".
0:18:19 > 0:18:23Did you know what ruined the plan in the end?
0:18:23 > 0:18:25- Wrong postage.- Not enough.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28This isn't a British story, though, is it?
0:18:28 > 0:18:29No, he's Polish.
0:18:29 > 0:18:34Yeah, cos you'd just die in the box, wouldn't you, waiting to be sent?
0:18:34 > 0:18:36They force him through the letter box!
0:18:36 > 0:18:40"Do not bend"! It specifically said!
0:18:40 > 0:18:43He had an accomplice
0:18:43 > 0:18:46whose job was to deliver him to courier firms
0:18:46 > 0:18:49but instead, decided to tip off the police.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52- The accomplice went... - "POLISH" ACCENT:- "This is bullshit."
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Nice Polish accent there, Rob(!)
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Thanks! You're the proper actor, I'll leave it to you.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- Why don't you say it?- No! No!
0:19:01 > 0:19:03OK, don't start what you can't finish!
0:19:03 > 0:19:06The police came to the thief's house to arrest him
0:19:06 > 0:19:09but in the end just left a card saying,
0:19:09 > 0:19:13"We called but you were out, please go to your nearest prison."
0:19:13 > 0:19:17What crimes have Cambridgeshire Police been accused of this week?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Were these the police
0:19:19 > 0:19:22who went into people's homes, broke into people's homes,
0:19:22 > 0:19:25to show that their homes weren't safe from being burgled?
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- Oh, I read about that, but no. - No, OK.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31They've been accused of printing a leaflet containing...
0:19:31 > 0:19:33This is by the Plain English Campaign.
0:19:33 > 0:19:38- Any idea what it might have been? - "Have you got this leaflet?"
0:19:40 > 0:19:42It was in fact...
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54BUZZER
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- Ah, this is pornography for blind people.- Yes.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Yes, this is a new pornographic magazine for the blind
0:20:00 > 0:20:04which has been launched complete with Braille text and raised pictures of naked men and women.
0:20:04 > 0:20:10Are they still on the top shelf? That would seem a bit churlish.
0:20:10 > 0:20:15It would say in the newsagents, "No feeling."
0:20:15 > 0:20:20Can anyone guess what some of the images are of?
0:20:20 > 0:20:25- There's got to be a bit of "wha-ha-ha" in there somewhere. - And some "phwoar"!- "Woah-ah"!
0:20:25 > 0:20:27A bit of "wha-aa-aa"! A bit of "brr-rr-rr"!
0:20:27 > 0:20:29And a bit of "hey-hey-hey"!
0:20:29 > 0:20:33- I think, actually, this is pornography for the deaf.- Yes.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39According to the Daily Mirror...
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Thank you, Prime Minister, now get back to your campaign.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:20:51 > 0:20:56Tony McCoy, a motorist in the bus lane in Southwark, Pepper Pig
0:20:56 > 0:20:58and Joan Hall of Derbyshire.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Tony McCoy won the Grand National at the weekend.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- Well, the horse did, really. - Oh, the horse did, yeah.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06On the way out from the Grand National,
0:21:06 > 0:21:08he got a speeding ticket, I think.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12He was caught driving whilst talking on his mobile, which resulted in a £30 fine
0:21:12 > 0:21:14and three points on his licence.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16And the pig, she was recently in trouble.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18She's one of these characters in a BBC cartoon series
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- and she was in a car and wasn't wearing a seat belt.- Correct.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25They weren't fussed about just the idea of a pig driving a car?
0:21:25 > 0:21:27LAUGHTER
0:21:27 > 0:21:28That was fine.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31There was a squeal of brakes and off she went!
0:21:31 > 0:21:33LAUGHTER
0:21:34 > 0:21:36So, it's about people breaking traffic laws
0:21:36 > 0:21:39but I don't know who the woman is at the bottom.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42I presume she is the odd one out, cos I don't know who she is.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Correct. They've all been accused of motoring offences
0:21:45 > 0:21:46apart from Joan Hall,
0:21:46 > 0:21:50who is a blameless motorist, and had nothing to do with her car ending up crushed.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52- Shall we just see what happened? - Mmmm.
0:21:52 > 0:21:57I was on my way back from the post office and I saw a neighbour coming down our passageway
0:21:57 > 0:22:00and he said to me, "A rock has hit your car".
0:22:00 > 0:22:02I thought it would be a little stone.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06When I saw the size of it, it was a five-ton boulder.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07LAUGHTER
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Those Top Gear boys really are out of control.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13I thought it was a Tim Vine joke.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Someone says, "Something's hit your car".
0:22:15 > 0:22:16"What? Boulder?"
0:22:16 > 0:22:19SOMETHING'S HIT YOUR CAR!
0:22:19 > 0:22:20LAUGHTER
0:22:20 > 0:22:24Plucky Joan reacted to this very lucky escape. What did she say?
0:22:24 > 0:22:27- It's my husband you'll feel sorry for. He's in the front seat. - LAUGHTER
0:22:27 > 0:22:30They managed to get him out via the glove compartment.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32She said...
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Blimey. Derbyshire sounds intriguing.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40LAUGHTER
0:22:40 > 0:22:44Pepper Pig came under criticism earlier this year for not wearing a seat belt.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Can anyone name any of the other characters on the show?
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Mummy Pig, Daddy Pig...
0:22:49 > 0:22:51There's an exhaustive list, actually. There's...
0:23:04 > 0:23:07LAUGHTER
0:23:07 > 0:23:11The motorist in the bus lane in Southwark, faced with a £120 fine,
0:23:11 > 0:23:13offered up a rather unusual excuse.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15- Is this about the aliens? - Yes, it was about a UFO.
0:23:15 > 0:23:20He told an appeal that, while he never normally strays into bus lanes,
0:23:20 > 0:23:22he was forced to take...
0:23:25 > 0:23:26LAUGHTER
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Does anybody know other excuses
0:23:28 > 0:23:32that motorists have given Southwark Council? There's no reason why you should.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34"I was pissed". That usually works.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38One driver tried to get out of a parking fine by claiming...
0:23:42 > 0:23:45LAUGHTER
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Excuses for speeding have included...
0:23:54 > 0:23:56LAUGHTER
0:23:58 > 0:24:03Speaking of UFOs, which politician has reportedly had a bit of trouble with UFOs?
0:24:03 > 0:24:06- No, who is it?- It was Michael Howard.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- Oh, yes.- Released MoD files have revealed reports of...
0:24:11 > 0:24:12LAUGHTER
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Eyewitness reports describe the craft as...
0:24:18 > 0:24:20LAUGHTER
0:24:20 > 0:24:26Now, I'm no expert, but that might be...a jumbo jet.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Or Ann Widdecombe. LAUGHTER AND DISAPPROVING NOISES
0:24:31 > 0:24:35Meanwhile in Oxford, a learner driver's lesson ended like this.
0:24:37 > 0:24:42The instructor told the learner driver, "When I hit the dashboard with my forehead,
0:24:42 > 0:24:44- "I want you to call an ambulance". - LAUGHTER
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Time now for the Missing Words round,
0:24:47 > 0:24:50which this week features as its guest publication,
0:24:50 > 0:24:54At Your Fingertips - the newsletter of the Dorset Thimble Society.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Yes, the publishers like nothing more
0:24:56 > 0:24:59than playing a game of Hunt The Reader.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01And we start with...
0:25:03 > 0:25:05- Crumble under pressure. - LAUGHTER
0:25:05 > 0:25:08- Caught hobnobbing. - LAUGHTER
0:25:08 > 0:25:11MARCUS: Arrest disproportionate number of Bourbons.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:17 > 0:25:18The answer is...
0:25:21 > 0:25:22Next...
0:25:24 > 0:25:28- Chinese restaurant. - LAUGHTER
0:25:29 > 0:25:32MARCUS: It's not the transport union, is it?
0:25:32 > 0:25:34LAUGHTER
0:25:34 > 0:25:37- Is it Van Gogh?- It's not Van Gogh.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38- Isn't it?- No.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40- No, it's Van Go. - That's a removal firm, isn't it?
0:25:40 > 0:25:43LAUGHTER
0:25:43 > 0:25:45- The answer is GMTV.- Oh, yeah.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49This is a quote from Emma Crosby, apparently the main anchor on GMTV,
0:25:49 > 0:25:50who said...
0:25:52 > 0:25:57Yes, because they are, what, 20 years behind the rest of television? Next...
0:25:59 > 0:26:02DAVID: And you are? LAUGHTER
0:26:05 > 0:26:06It's actually...
0:26:08 > 0:26:12It's a fridge-freezer that can record and play back voice messages such as,
0:26:12 > 0:26:16"We are out of milk", or, "Get more butter", but in Eamonn Holmes' case,
0:26:16 > 0:26:21- it'll be reduced to repeating the words, "Not so fast, fatty". - LAUGHTER
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Finally...
0:26:25 > 0:26:29- Extreme sexual deviancy. - LAUGHTER
0:26:29 > 0:26:31I'm going again next year.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37MARCUS: Is it, "The crushing futility of existence"?
0:26:37 > 0:26:40We're orbiting in to the next spectrum there, aren't we?
0:26:40 > 0:26:41The answer is...
0:26:43 > 0:26:47The final scores are - Ian and David have five,
0:26:47 > 0:26:49- Paul and Marcus have nine! - Nine, yeah.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51APPLAUSE
0:26:55 > 0:26:58But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01LAUGHTER
0:27:01 > 0:27:03MARCUS: Lib Dem manifesto launch a success.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05LAUGHTER
0:27:05 > 0:27:06MARCUS: Not in my B&B.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:11 > 0:27:16I don't know what the crime was, but this is a hell of an identity parade.
0:27:16 > 0:27:21On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and David Threlf-f-f...
0:27:21 > 0:27:23LAUGHTER
0:27:23 > 0:27:25MARCUS: Say, "Off of Shameless".
0:27:25 > 0:27:29The bloke off of Shameless, Paul Merton and Marcus Brigstocke.
0:27:29 > 0:27:34I leave you with news that in central London, as David Cameron finalises his lines of attack
0:27:34 > 0:27:39for the leadership debate, a suspicious character is spotted inside a nearby white van.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41LAUGHTER
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Germaine Greer's reputation is shattered by the publication
0:27:45 > 0:27:48of a photo of her with her first boyfriend.
0:27:48 > 0:27:49LAUGHTER
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Before taking to the podium for the leadership debate,
0:27:52 > 0:27:55David Cameron has one last try at sincere.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57LAUGHTER
0:27:59 > 0:28:02And during filming for the latest episode of Who Do You Think You Are,
0:28:02 > 0:28:06the guest celebrity discovers he is a direct descendant of Hungarian Jews.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09LAUGHTER
0:28:09 > 0:28:12- Goodnight. - APPLAUSE
0:28:21 > 0:28:25Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:25 > 0:28:28E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk