0:00:38 > 0:00:43Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm Jeremy Clarkson.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45In the news this week, in a key marginal,
0:00:45 > 0:00:49as their policies fail to convince, there were signs that Labour
0:00:49 > 0:00:52are now attempting to win over voters one at a time.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02On his winter campaign on the Isle of Wight,
0:01:02 > 0:01:06Gordon Brown regrets asking the captain for a go at the wheel.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14In London, one man proves that riding on the pavement
0:01:14 > 0:01:17ISN'T the most annoying thing that a cyclist can do.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25And, after analysing the first leadership debate,
0:01:25 > 0:01:29body language experts conclude that, in the event of a hung parliament,
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Nick Clegg would dither and then join the Tories.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46On Ian's team is a broadcaster and journalist
0:01:46 > 0:01:48who presents Ramblings for Radio 4,
0:01:48 > 0:01:52where she interviews a celebrity while rambling through the serene
0:01:52 > 0:01:56British countryside over other people's property.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Please welcome Clare Balding.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00APPLAUSE
0:02:04 > 0:02:07And on Paul's team is a writer and comedian
0:02:07 > 0:02:10who presented BBC Four's It's Only A Theory.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13A panel show that mixed science and comedy.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15A bit like those people who claim
0:02:15 > 0:02:18that global warming is caused by humans.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Please welcome Andy Hamilton.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22APPLAUSE
0:02:24 > 0:02:28And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Paul and Andy, take a look at this.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Yes, this is a volcano, of course, in Iceland.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36This is the emergency cabinet thrown together.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40People were stuck abroad, and there they are being stuck abroad.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42And they had to hire ships and various things
0:02:42 > 0:02:45to try and get back to this island because for six days
0:02:45 > 0:02:48- we had no planes in the air.- That's the world's longest game of I Spy.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52There's never one of those kids with a squeegee when you want one, is there?
0:02:52 > 0:02:56I think this is the earth, the planet, the universe is telling us
0:02:56 > 0:02:59which way people should consider voting in the next general election.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01How?
0:03:01 > 0:03:05The volcano has been going for about 10,000 years, 20,000 years,
0:03:05 > 0:03:07so it's timing isn't exactly right.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11But it's basically saying "Ash Down". It's 15 years out.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14It's 15 years out but it's saying "Ash Down". That's what it's saying.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17APPLAUSE
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- This is the, um...- Yes!
0:03:19 > 0:03:24Is Paul going to get points for knowing that a volcano exploded?
0:03:24 > 0:03:28Who was the man to the left of Peter Mandelson in that picture?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30- Lord Adonis.- Yes, what a great name.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33It's a name that raises false expectations.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38Various terribly important people got stuck, including you. In Poland.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41- I wasn't stuck. I just used my ingenuity and got back.- Yes.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43You got stuck, didn't you?
0:03:43 > 0:03:46No, I used my ingenuity and found a man who was driving to Calais.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50- And hopped on his car.- You just got in a man's car?- Yeah, pretty much.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53A man called Sidney. I would like to say thank you to Sidney. Yes
0:03:53 > 0:03:56- Were you more stuck than that? - No, not really. We were in Poland
0:03:56 > 0:03:59and I realised you couldn't make any jokes
0:03:59 > 0:04:01there cos they were burying everybody, and so...
0:04:01 > 0:04:03LAUGHTER
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Oh, that's when people want a laugh the best.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09Get a whoopee cushion, put it in the earth.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11So I went to Berlin and got the plane to Brussels.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14But then Brussels closed so I went to Prague, then flew to Paris
0:04:14 > 0:04:17and got the last car that they had. It was all very simple, actually.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- Yeah.- All those people who're queuing and whinging...
0:04:20 > 0:04:21Being pathetic, really?
0:04:21 > 0:04:22A lot of them, yes.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27What did one American traveller say when she was told
0:04:27 > 0:04:31that all flights back to the States had been cancelled?
0:04:31 > 0:04:34That's a shame. Would that have made the news? Probably not.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35No, she said...
0:04:44 > 0:04:47You were abroad as well, this week, weren't you, Andy?
0:04:47 > 0:04:49- Was I?- Yeah.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Don't deny it.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55We have some footage which proves that you were in Pakistan.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02APPLAUSE
0:05:02 > 0:05:07In fact, Mr Wali-ur-Rehman... Why don't you just admit it?
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Yeah, I'm a sleeper. For the...
0:05:10 > 0:05:13You bloody well aren't. You're the deputy leader of the Taliban.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Well, maybe now I'll get a bit of respect.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22But it was good for six days, though, wasn't it?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25If you were here and you were near an airport...
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Somebody wrote in one of the papers,
0:05:27 > 0:05:31"I was in Kew Gardens and I heard a bee on the other side of the river."
0:05:32 > 0:05:36Did you see that guy who wrote to the Guardian on that very subject?
0:05:36 > 0:05:37Thanks to the planes not flying,
0:05:37 > 0:05:41he was now able to hear the traffic on the North Circular perfectly.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- It's all going to happen again, isn't it? Because...- Exactly.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Volcanoes tend not to work to a schedule. This one will keep going.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52There's a bigger one up the road. The papers are going to love it.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56They were very keen to say the economy is going to collapse. It's all over.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59People will be queuing in supermarkets for exotic fruit.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02I don't know. I haven't had a kiwi for days!
0:06:03 > 0:06:07I thought the real scandal was Icelandic incompetence.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11- Yeah.- It seems to me very odd that nowhere in Iceland
0:06:11 > 0:06:16have I heard anyone discussing the option of a human sacrifice.
0:06:16 > 0:06:17LAUGHTER
0:06:17 > 0:06:20You laugh. The gods are obviously angry.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21Very angry.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25But they've been appeased now. We've changed the science.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26I love the way science works.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29On day one, it's far too risky for anyone to fly.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Six days later, everyone has lost a huge amount of money.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Do you know, I don't think it's so risky any more?
0:06:35 > 0:06:38This was cleared up for us, I thought, quite well.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40This danger business.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42- Yes.- Yes.- We've got some footage
0:06:42 > 0:06:47here of a German man who works for Lufthansa explaining his take on it.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50We have seen no impact on the engines.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53No impact on the engines' performance.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57Neither on the cockpit windows, nor on the fuselage.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58I want you to now look at a chap
0:06:58 > 0:07:01from the British Institute of Mechanical Engineers
0:07:01 > 0:07:02and his view on it.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05It is going to crash and everybody on board will die.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13What I thought was extremely funny about the whole thing,
0:07:13 > 0:07:18was seeing the panic in the political parties as they realised that
0:07:18 > 0:07:22they are in an election and they had no official party line on volcanoes.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25The way they all charged in.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29Like, Gordon Brown sent a couple of warships to France.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Which is just like a default setting.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35- When you're in trouble.- Exactly.
0:07:35 > 0:07:40And Clegg, I half-expected Clegg to steam in with a promise that Lib Dems
0:07:40 > 0:07:42were going to abolish volcanoes.
0:07:42 > 0:07:47Because they are part of the old geology. People are sick of them.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Cameron's line?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50- Cameron said... - "I met a volcano once."
0:07:52 > 0:07:54APPLAUSE
0:07:56 > 0:08:02- Did you see the Guardian's handy Cut-Out-N-Keep guide for worried readers?- No!
0:08:02 > 0:08:05It provided answers to some of the common questions, obviously,
0:08:05 > 0:08:08that stranded travellers have been asking. For example...
0:08:12 > 0:08:13The answer is...
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Very clear, I think, as a result.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41Is there any reason for me to read the Guardian? Not really.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45There was one Scottish guy who really summed it up, I thought, rather well.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47You only found out when you got to the airport?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49You didn't know in your hotel?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51I hate Iceland!
0:08:51 > 0:08:53LAUGHTER
0:08:54 > 0:08:58To be honest, he might have an issue with frozen food.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02I think we can end this one on a very positive note.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06According to The Times, 1.3 million tonnes of carbon dioxide emissions
0:09:06 > 0:09:11were saved over the past four days because the planes weren't flying.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Oh, marvellous.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15I can now leave my telly on standby again.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18No, wait, I can't,
0:09:18 > 0:09:22because this was going on while the planes weren't flying.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Rather more carbon dioxide there.
0:09:24 > 0:09:28I thought that was just the exhaust from your car crossing Europe.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Yes, this is the Icelandic volcano
0:09:31 > 0:09:35which caused all flights to be grounded for a week.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Keen to explain the technical complexities of flying
0:09:38 > 0:09:41through volcanic ash, the Daily Star turned to
0:09:41 > 0:09:44BA pilot Eric Moody who explained...
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Negotiating?
0:09:50 > 0:09:53"I'll stay a week initially, but after that...
0:09:53 > 0:09:55"I'll have to check with the wife".
0:09:57 > 0:09:59I think I missed that chapter of Wind In The Willows.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Doing their bit to spread the panic, the Daily Express reported that
0:10:07 > 0:10:10authorities have warned people to stay in or wear a mask.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14Year-round advice if you are Andrew Lloyd Webber.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21The end of the flight ban is particularly good news for the Samaritans,
0:10:21 > 0:10:24who have been inundated for the past six days with calls
0:10:24 > 0:10:27from distraught plane spotters with nothing left to live for.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Ian and Clare, have a look at this.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Oh, it's Nick Clegg!
0:10:33 > 0:10:37- Ah. I agree with Nick.- It's Clegg, it's Clegg. He's here to stay.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38I agree with Nick.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40And it's Nick Clegg again.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I agree with Nick. Great dance move there.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Basically, they've got it's Nick Clegg. That's well done.
0:10:45 > 0:10:46That is indeed Nick Clegg.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50From the man who complained about the fact that we had a volcano.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51I was quite upset, actually.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54We managed to get Radio 4 Long Wave on the journey to Calais.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58And I was really annoyed that the volcano wasn't the lead story. Nick Clegg was.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02Thousands of people having a bad time is nothing compared to
0:11:02 > 0:11:05the media noticing that the Lib Dems have got a leader.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Up to a week ago, it was impossible to vote for anyone other than
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Labour or Conservative. And then the Liberal Democrat Party was invented.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16That is basically what the papers say. They did their classic act of,
0:11:16 > 0:11:18for the last few years they've gone,
0:11:18 > 0:11:21"Nick Clegg, no one's heard of him. Nick Clegg."
0:11:21 > 0:11:26He does one debate and everyone goes, "Why isn't he under more scrutiny from the papers?"
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Cos you've ignored him.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32You know the second leadership debate is happening right now over on Sky?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Brilliant scheduling, I think, for the BBC.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38It's brilliant that they've... In fact, there's nobody there.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40- I can just go- BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44They are all watching Nick Clegg on the other side.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46- Is that a firm of solicitors?- Relax.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48It sounds like a firm of solicitors.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- No, they're- BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP- and Son.- Oh, yes.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Yes, commissioners for Oaths, unsurprisingly.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01You obviously noticed that everybody thought Clegg had won the debate.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04He was always going to win it, wasn't he?
0:12:04 > 0:12:07All he had to be was not Cameron and not Brown.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10I mean, the Lib Dems could have put up a chimp.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14And people would have said, "I thought he came across rather well".
0:12:14 > 0:12:17What did he say that was so... I missed the whole debate.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21He basically said, "I am not David Cameron or Gordon Brown."
0:12:21 > 0:12:23And the audience went wild!
0:12:23 > 0:12:25"That's fantastic!"
0:12:25 > 0:12:29Of course, everybody agreed afterwards Clegg had won.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30But the BBC can't say that.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32- BBC News has to be impartial.- Yes. - So watch this.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35And then they would do the properties up, paid for by you.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39And pocket the difference in personal profit. They've got away scot-free.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43Our audience seemed to really like that reaction from Nick Clegg.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Now, the system doesn't work. But that sort of sentence is, I think,
0:12:46 > 0:12:48just completely unacceptable
0:12:48 > 0:12:51in terms of what the public expect for proper punishment.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54There again, the audience seem to react favourably
0:12:54 > 0:12:55to what David Cameron was saying.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59You will not back us and support us on keeping education.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Why won't you support education spending as we do?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04And Gordon Brown scored well there.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10I like the audience. Look at this. You've got Freddie Flintoff,
0:13:10 > 0:13:12if he was ever to take up murdering.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Jesus is there!
0:13:14 > 0:13:18Every conceivable different type of person there
0:13:18 > 0:13:22all saying all three of them are all brilliant.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25That's the ghost of John Lennon, I'm sure.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29So what was found in the back of a cab after the first debate?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31- Nick Clegg's notes.- Yes.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Do you know what they said?
0:13:33 > 0:13:36No, but it's the first time middle-of-the-road views
0:13:36 > 0:13:38have ever been found in a cab.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Well, specifically, what they actually said is...
0:13:48 > 0:13:50What have hecklers been saying to him?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52- Who are you?- One of them did.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55But, no. There was somebody in Swansea who shouted at him...
0:13:59 > 0:14:03Now that needs a snappy comeback, yes? Do you know what he said?
0:14:10 > 0:14:14- You know, Clegg is quite posh.- Yes. - You know who he was at school with?
0:14:14 > 0:14:18- Louis Theroux.- There's one.- Went to Westminster School, didn't he?
0:14:18 > 0:14:19- He did.- But that's in his favour,
0:14:19 > 0:14:22cos the House of Commons is there and he knows the area.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26As soon as Clegg appeared getting any sort of support,
0:14:26 > 0:14:29the right-wing papers went mad.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32The Times has put the boot in and The Mail basically said,
0:14:32 > 0:14:36"Have a look at him. I think you'll find he's foreign".
0:14:38 > 0:14:45Not only is he married to a foreign person, his mother... Foreign.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Grandfather, (foreign.)
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Don't vote for him, cos he's (foreign!)
0:14:53 > 0:14:56You're absolutely right. What they actually said was,
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Apart form the fact he was born in Buckinghamshire, no.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Tell you what, going back to Louis Theroux.
0:15:13 > 0:15:18You know he claims he was Nick Clegg's fag? He had to wake him up in the morning.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22- Do you know how he woke him up? - Oh, God.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25It was in the papers and you're quite right to be so alarmed.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27- Really? Yes...- He woke him...
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Can you stop pulling your face? We're going to move on...
0:15:34 > 0:15:39No! I just saw this as an absolutely classic attempt to smear all public school boys
0:15:39 > 0:15:41by suggesting they are homosexuals.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- I'm a public schoolboy, ducky. - I know, Jeremy.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46How did your fag wake you up?
0:15:46 > 0:15:47By bumming me.
0:15:51 > 0:15:56The Star set about exposing some of the Lib Dems' nuttier policies. Do you know what they were?
0:15:56 > 0:15:59They're going to scrap Trident.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02The argument is, we keep Trident cos it's a deterrent,
0:16:02 > 0:16:06but surely we could save the money and just pretend we've got Trident.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Big cardboard missiles
0:16:08 > 0:16:11and you transport them around the country wherever...
0:16:11 > 0:16:13- Worked for Saddam!- Yeah!
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Heavily-armed escort.
0:16:17 > 0:16:22Every now and then, you pretend there's been a bit of a nuclear accident and evacuate Wales.
0:16:22 > 0:16:28Now, does anyone get the impression Mandelson isn't very keen on His Gordon-ness?
0:16:28 > 0:16:31I don't know if he's keen - he's just having fun.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Let's have a look at this facial expression.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Was Alistair Campbell a good David Cameron when you were practising?
0:16:37 > 0:16:41HE LAUGHS I've been working by going round the country,
0:16:41 > 0:16:43talking to people, listening to what they say
0:16:43 > 0:16:47and what I'll say tonight reflects the messages people are giving me.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Now, let's have a look at Mandelson's reaction to that.
0:16:56 > 0:16:57That's a face that says,
0:16:57 > 0:17:00"Right, you're on the list."
0:17:00 > 0:17:03This, of course, is the election campaign.
0:17:03 > 0:17:08Nick Clegg lives in London with his Spanish wife and their three children...
0:17:12 > 0:17:14I wonder who wears the trousers in that house.
0:17:16 > 0:17:22Meanwhile, in Southampton, John Prescott campaigned with the local Labour candidate,
0:17:22 > 0:17:24drawing the sort of crowds you'd expect.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28APPLAUSE
0:17:29 > 0:17:34And so to Round Two, which sees a welcome return
0:17:34 > 0:17:38to the Have I Got News For You wheel of news...thing.
0:17:38 > 0:17:43Can I just raise an objection just at the beginning of this as a sporting contest?
0:17:43 > 0:17:46You can't see it. That is a drawback, I admit. Anyway...
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Here is the first spin.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Wow, it's gone in yellow.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- Yes, this is the man who can hypnotise rabbits.- Yes.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59His name's Cliff Penrose.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01What's the name of the bloke?
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Yes, come on, then. How does he do it?
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Some animals, if you just get them on their back
0:18:06 > 0:18:10in a certain position, they go into a trance-like state, don't they?
0:18:10 > 0:18:13I think he does something. Does he rub their head or...?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15I don't know why... That's a sort of rabbit.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17- A rabbity thing. - Let's talk you through it.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21What he does is, he lays the bunny down.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Then he soothes Tammy, stroking her head like that.
0:18:24 > 0:18:25Then he, um...
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Oh, heavens! Skip over that!
0:18:30 > 0:18:33I'm really not sure what he's doing there.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35It's one of the perks of the job, isn't it?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Hypnotising rabbits all day, working alone -
0:18:37 > 0:18:40it gets lonely.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Got a photograph here of what Tammy looks like at the end.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47- Clearly dead or... - That rabbit is dead, isn't it?
0:18:47 > 0:18:50But it did give the headline writers, really, a field day.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Some went with...
0:18:52 > 0:18:55The Mail had...
0:18:55 > 0:18:56And The Telegraph had...
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Cliff rather undermined all that. Do you know how he did that?
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- He said, "I don't hypnotise rabbits."- Exactly!
0:19:06 > 0:19:07You can't hypnotise a rabbit.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09I've no idea what that man is doing,
0:19:09 > 0:19:11if I'm brutally honest.
0:19:11 > 0:19:16This is Cliff Penrose, who is being hailed for his ability to hypnotise rabbits.
0:19:16 > 0:19:21Mr Penrose employs a special technique to make a rabbit lie lifeless and still,
0:19:21 > 0:19:24though I find a 4x4 is just as effective.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28And here's the next spin.
0:19:31 > 0:19:37Goldman Sachs - they've been caught out and the Americans are charging them with fraud.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40What is it? Is it technically...? Well, anyway - Goldman Sachs.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43- An investment bank, I think. - Thank you(!)
0:19:43 > 0:19:48- If you want any more financial advice...- I'll come to you!
0:19:48 > 0:19:52- Me and Paul have made a bit of money. - We'll be very 'appy to accommodate, know what I mean?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Interested in a hypnotised rabbit? I've got a shed in the back.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59- Can't shift them. - OK. What should I do with my money?
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Give it to me.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03I do know the answer to this.
0:20:03 > 0:20:09Goldman Sachs invented a bond to sell to people, which was based on subprime mortgages.
0:20:09 > 0:20:14It was a pretty hopeless thing to sell to people, but they designed it to lose money,
0:20:14 > 0:20:20because one of their other clients was a big hedge-fund manager, who were betting on the bond to lose.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23So they were selling this bond to you, saying, "This is terrific,"
0:20:23 > 0:20:28and behind your back going to their client, "Bet on this, this is complete rubbish."
0:20:28 > 0:20:34Goldman Sachs basically proved that the entire financial collapse wasn't just an act of God or an accident.
0:20:34 > 0:20:35It was a fraud.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Can I just interrupt at this point?
0:20:37 > 0:20:41Because I should make it plain, the law being as it is,
0:20:41 > 0:20:45Goldman calls the charges, "Completely unfounded in law and fact."
0:20:45 > 0:20:46What does Sachs say?
0:20:48 > 0:20:51"Well, what can you do? You get caught, you get caught."
0:20:52 > 0:20:55APPLAUSE
0:20:55 > 0:20:59Frankly, I can't see any of this making it into the finished programme.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01- Are you worried about libel?- Yes.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Unlike you, I haven't ever been done for it before.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11I think there's very little chance of you getting any more than two years.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12And any way, Jeremy,
0:21:12 > 0:21:17back stage you were saying what a bunch of crooks Goldman Sachs were.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22You could present your programme from your cell.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26The mission could be to walk from one end to the other.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- IMPERSONATES JEREMY: - In the shortest possible time.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31APPLAUSE
0:21:32 > 0:21:36Of course, Top Gear does mean something different in prison.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39- You'll be all right.- Yes,
0:21:39 > 0:21:44Goldman Sachs Bank and one of its bosses have been charged with fraud.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48In the wake of the scandal, Goldman Sachs have moved away from the dodgy subprime...
0:21:48 > 0:21:49Bleurgh!
0:21:49 > 0:21:51I said that wrong, sorry.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55You can run that bit at the end, where I go, "Bleurgh!" They always do that,
0:21:55 > 0:21:57- don't you?- Me? Nothing to do with me.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59When I make a mistake, it always goes in.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01- It's usually the best bit you do! - Yeah, exactly.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04- I'm just going to make lots of mistakes now.- Yeah.
0:22:04 > 0:22:09In the wake of the scandal, Goldman Sachs have moved away from the dodgy sub-prime-mortgage market,
0:22:09 > 0:22:13and last week proudly announced a new range of investments
0:22:13 > 0:22:16in houses on the slopes of Icelandic volcanoes.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22Time now for the Odd-one-out round. Herman Van Rompuy,
0:22:22 > 0:22:23The Pasta Bible,
0:22:23 > 0:22:24Eric Pickles and
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Hertfordshire Highways Authority.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Herman Van Rompuy, old rumpy-pumpy,
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- he is the president of the European Council.- Yes.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35- And he writes haiku.- Haiku.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Which is 17 syllables. It's a Japanese thingy.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Yes, it's a verse form.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Didn't Eric Pickles, he was doing his live Twittery, bloggy thing,
0:22:43 > 0:22:47and his finger didn't quite hit the button it was meant to hit,
0:22:47 > 0:22:51and instead of saying something about shirts that he had bought,
0:22:51 > 0:22:53- he missed the "R" out. - Yes, that's true.
0:22:53 > 0:22:54Misprints.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58There's a misprint in the Highways Guide, Eric Pickles' Tweet,
0:22:58 > 0:23:01in The Pasta Bible, but Herman Van Rompuy, he never makes an error.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04- He's faultless.- Yes, that's it.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07I knew if you persevered you'd get there.
0:23:09 > 0:23:14Yes, and you've got council workmen from Royston in Hertfordshire. They were left red-faced
0:23:14 > 0:23:17when road-sign painters fouled up.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19They wanted to write KEEP CLEAR, but they actually wrote...
0:23:24 > 0:23:29According to The Telegraph, local resident Paul Brett was the first to notice the mistake,
0:23:29 > 0:23:32despite the fact that he's dyslexic. He, of course,
0:23:32 > 0:23:35thought it said, "Bus lane".
0:23:36 > 0:23:41Eric Pickles, he proudly told his 4,500 on-line followers...
0:23:41 > 0:23:44- WHISPERS:- Seems like a lot for Eric Pickles.
0:23:46 > 0:23:52..which was warmly received by rival fatty, and noted wit, John Prescott, who replied...
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Of course, he meant to say shirts.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02My shit shirts are from M&S.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07The Pasta Bible, this is a typo. It made the headlines this week.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Quite big, and quite bad. It was a recipe for...
0:24:11 > 0:24:16It should have said, "Add salt and freshly-ground black pepper." What it actually said was...
0:24:24 > 0:24:25- That's bad.- Yes.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29Bob Sessions, Penguin's head of publishing, said...
0:24:38 > 0:24:42Time for the Missing Words round, which this week features as its guest publication,
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Bark, the dog magazine.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48So much worse than its sister publication, Bite.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51Start with...
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Buy yourself a dog.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58- Have kids.- Have lots of money.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00No, it's "spend time with your friends".
0:25:00 > 0:25:03According to the Psychological Society,
0:25:08 > 0:25:12I don't know, my local priest is one of the happiest men I know.
0:25:14 > 0:25:15Next.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Oh, women who expose their flesh.
0:25:20 > 0:25:21This is the man in Iraq
0:25:21 > 0:25:23who suggested that earthquakes are caused
0:25:23 > 0:25:27by women dressing in what he considered an inappropriate fashion.
0:25:27 > 0:25:32Absolutely right, Iran. The actual answer is "wear revealing clothing."
0:25:32 > 0:25:35It leads to male desire, which sparks earthquakes.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38An Iranian clerk has claimed that women are to blame...
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Clerk?! It was a cleric, wasn't it?
0:25:41 > 0:25:43- LAUGHTER - It's time to put me...
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Is it that guy who does the driving licences?
0:25:46 > 0:25:51I've got a driving licence and I can't see that that says "clerk."
0:25:51 > 0:25:55It doesn't, it says "cleric".
0:25:55 > 0:25:58An Iranian CLERIC...
0:25:58 > 0:26:00No, you're right, it does say "clerk"!
0:26:00 > 0:26:02It just goes to show what a rank amateur I am...
0:26:02 > 0:26:05- It isn't clerk, it's cleric. - That said "clerk"...
0:26:05 > 0:26:06Wait, wait, wait!
0:26:06 > 0:26:10An Iranian chap has claimed...
0:26:11 > 0:26:14There's a way round these things, there's always a way round it.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18An Iranian chap has claimed that women are to blame for earthquakes.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20And finally...
0:26:25 > 0:26:26The Pope.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31- It's obviously from Bark magazine. - Yeah.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34So, it could be any breed of dog, really.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Dachshund, Great Dane, we don't know. One of those.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39It's actually "My Korean Jindo."
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Yeah.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44The article in Bark magazine describes one dog as
0:26:44 > 0:26:45"a lover and a licker",
0:26:45 > 0:26:49and quite possibly a joker, a toker AND a midnight smoker.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53So, the final scores are...
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Ian and Clare have 8,
0:26:55 > 0:26:56Paul and Andy, you have 7.
0:26:56 > 0:26:57Oh!
0:26:57 > 0:26:59APPLAUSE
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08ANDY: Questions are asked
0:27:08 > 0:27:12after David Attenborough's Life On Earth cast party gets out of hand.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Ian Hislop and Clare Balding,
0:27:21 > 0:27:22Paul Merton and Andy Hamilton.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25And I leave you with news that, in Tehran,
0:27:25 > 0:27:28there's an embarrassing moment at a press conference
0:27:28 > 0:27:32in which the president denies claims that Iran has nuclear weapons.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Three hours into a shoot,
0:27:37 > 0:27:41a photographer finally gets his subject to look vaguely intelligent.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46After waiting 15 minutes for stragglers,
0:27:46 > 0:27:50the Labour Party coach trip to celebrate Peter Mandelson's birthday
0:27:50 > 0:27:51finally sets off.
0:27:57 > 0:28:02And there's a minor scare when John Prescott's chip pan catches fire.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Good night.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10APPLAUSE
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:24 > 0:28:27E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk