0:00:38 > 0:00:41Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44I'm Martin Clunes. In the news this week, on his way to 11 Downing Street,
0:00:44 > 0:00:49Britain's new Chancellor of the Exchequer demonstrates a worrying problem with numbers.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05After losing his seat, the night gets worse for Labour's defeated Health and Safety Minister.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Thank you.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22And at his first cabinet meeting after sitting in a trance for 20 minutes,
0:01:22 > 0:01:26David Cameron shocks ministers as he announces the new position of President for Life.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32INAUDIBLE
0:01:32 > 0:01:36On Ian's team is a journalist for the Express who recently appeared on BBC2's The Bubble,
0:01:36 > 0:01:40for which she spent three days without access to TV, internet or newspapers.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Pretty much like being a journalist in the Express offices.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47Please welcome Julia Hartley-Brewer.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50APPLAUSE
0:01:53 > 0:01:57On Paul's team is a writer, stand-up comedian and actor who says
0:01:57 > 0:02:00the most important advice is never to drink before you go on stage.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Tosser!
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Please welcome Chris Addison.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09APPLAUSE
0:02:11 > 0:02:14And we start with the big story of the week. Look at this.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19JULIA: Tory dream team.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21CHRIS: Or terrible remake of Reservoir Dogs.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23JULIA: They're being arrested.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27CHRIS: There's a purple party. It must be another country.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29JULIA: That's the Browns with the Miliband brothers.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33- LAUGHTER - And there's another Miliband brother in there.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35JULIA: And a quick grope of the boob!
0:02:35 > 0:02:38This is very good news. It's the first gay couple to run Britain.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42- LAUGHTER - I'm very excited by this.
0:02:42 > 0:02:47- Did you see that press conference? - Yeah.- Where he said, "I am what I am
0:02:47 > 0:02:50"and what I am needs no excuses."
0:02:50 > 0:02:52It could be a very exciting day for politics.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Where there is darkness, we'll bring light.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Where there is heat, we'll bring cold.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Where there's hope, we'll bring despair...
0:03:00 > 0:03:04LAUGHTER What I love is David Cameron's been so statesmanlike through this.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08This big coalition, and it was all looking so good and he sees the Queen
0:03:08 > 0:03:13and then turns up on Downing Street, stands on the steps with his wife and gropes her boob...
0:03:13 > 0:03:16He's just won an election...kind of.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18That's why he only went for the one boob.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21If he'd got a majority, he'd have gone...
0:03:21 > 0:03:26- True.- What embarrassing question was David Cameron asked at his joint press conference?
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Oh, this was genius!
0:03:27 > 0:03:32Prime Minister, do you now regret when asked what your favourite joke was, you replied, "Nick Clegg."
0:03:32 > 0:03:35And Deputy Prime Minister, what do you think of that?
0:03:35 > 0:03:40We're all going to have... I'm afraid I did say that.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43LAUGHTER
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Oh, genius.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49At least he said it was his favourite joke.
0:03:49 > 0:03:54I hear journalists are quite keen to prise these two apart and show the differences between them, Julia.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58There's quite a lot of differences, or they'd be in the same party.
0:03:58 > 0:04:04But that's how coalitions work. I don't understand why journalists can't see what a coalition is.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08"Those two people aren't in the same party. How can they be in a coalition?"
0:04:08 > 0:04:13It wouldn't be a coalition if they were in the same party, you thick bunch of bastards.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15LAUGHTER
0:04:19 > 0:04:24I'm all for this coalition. I like that it neutralises the loonies on both wings.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27It looks quite good so far. I'm sure you've all read the agreement.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29LAUGHTER
0:04:29 > 0:04:32It's only 12 pages, come on!
0:04:32 > 0:04:34No ID cards.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35Changes on tax.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Let's have a referendum now.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39LAUGHTER
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Day one, what do you think? Pretty good?
0:04:42 > 0:04:43Just me then.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44LAUGHTER
0:04:44 > 0:04:49And how did The Sun cover this in a measured and balanced way?
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Did they say "YES!"?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- Did they put a half-naked woman on page three?- Yes.
0:04:55 > 0:05:01- Nicola, 27, from Peterborough... - Shows her party rosettes!
0:05:01 > 0:05:02LAUGHTER
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Here's how they announced the coalition,
0:05:04 > 0:05:06first, Mr Cameron's bit.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09There you go.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10And here's Nick's bit.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11There you go.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13LAUGHTER
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Big jobs.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18- Who's going to get them? Yes. - Vince Cable's in there.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22Theresa May is Home Secretary, which is typical Tories, giving a woman a secretarial post.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25LAUGHTER
0:05:25 > 0:05:27George Osborne being the Chancellor, I reckon I'm OK on that,
0:05:27 > 0:05:29my tax bill will not be going up,
0:05:29 > 0:05:33because 20 years ago, I bought George Osborne in a slave auction.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35LAUGHTER
0:05:35 > 0:05:41And, George, if you're watching, if you raise my taxes I will tell everyone what I made you do.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:43 > 0:05:44Wow.
0:05:46 > 0:05:52William Hague is now the Foreign Secretary, although he does seem to have changed his image somewhat.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55LAUGHTER
0:05:55 > 0:05:59JULIA: Oh, he dreams of having that much hair!
0:05:59 > 0:06:01That was the key demand of the Lib Dems.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- That he dress like that.- Exactly. He's got sandals on under there.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08The Tories have agreed to have a referendum on the subject of electoral reform.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12Did anyone see how John Prescott dealt with that issue earlier this week?
0:06:12 > 0:06:16WOMAN PROTESTS LOUDLY If you put together the numbers between Labour,
0:06:16 > 0:06:19the Liberal Democrats and any others that come into a coalition deal,
0:06:19 > 0:06:21it would only just get you...
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Can you keep your mouth shut for a moment, love?
0:06:24 > 0:06:25LAUGHTER
0:06:25 > 0:06:27"Love."
0:06:27 > 0:06:31When they interviewed her she said, "At least he didn't punch me."
0:06:33 > 0:06:38As the various negotiating teams scuttled backwards and forwards to come up with a solution,
0:06:38 > 0:06:40what headlines did the papers go for?
0:06:40 > 0:06:41"We don't know what's happening."
0:06:41 > 0:06:43"We haven't a clue."
0:06:43 > 0:06:47"Let's leave them to sort it out and then report the news afterwards."
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Here's The Times. They went with -
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Telegraph opted for -
0:06:57 > 0:06:59And the Daily Star got to the point with -
0:07:02 > 0:07:08I think it's ridiculous, Clegg was going between the two of them, trying to get a bit more and a bit more.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12Isn't that what...I don't understand why journalists find this so hard to understand!
0:07:12 > 0:07:16"What was Nick Clegg doing? How dare he try to secure the best possible deal for his party?"
0:07:16 > 0:07:18What is wrong with you people?
0:07:18 > 0:07:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:21 > 0:07:25Inane question after inane question!
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Cos he's saying it's all about the country...
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Of course he is! You people would be right up his jacksy if he didn't!
0:07:30 > 0:07:35If he said, "This is about politics and this is how politics works, you bunch of four-year-olds."
0:07:35 > 0:07:37LAUGHTER
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Also, according to The Sun, David Blunkett didn't help by saying -
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Got him on his special subject, there.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54A week of high drama, historic developments and cliched journalism.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57And as feelings ran high, did anyone see the massive embarrassment on Sky News?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Or Adam Boulton, as he's called.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01LAUGHTER
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Let's look at this interview beside Alastair Campbell
0:08:03 > 0:08:06when Labour were trying to reach an agreement with the Lib Dems.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Adam, you're obviously upset that David Cameron's not Prime Minister...
0:08:10 > 0:08:11- I'm not upset!- You are.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Don't keep casting aspersions on what I think!
0:08:14 > 0:08:17- Calm down!- I am commenting, don't keep saying what I think!
0:08:17 > 0:08:19This is live on television.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21- Don't keep telling me what I think! - Dignity, dignity.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24This is what you do. No-one won the election.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28You talk to me, I'm fed up with you telling me what I think.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30I don't care what you're fed up with.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33You can say what you like. I can tell you my opinion...
0:08:33 > 0:08:34Don't tell me what I think.
0:08:34 > 0:08:39- I will tell you why I think you're reacting...- Alastair, you're being...
0:08:40 > 0:08:45- You, totally unelected, have plotted this...- Me?- Yeah!
0:08:45 > 0:08:49- What, and you're elected, are you? - You're here speaking about him...
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Maybe that's because the ministers have a cabinet meeting!
0:08:52 > 0:08:54He's got a party, you cocked it up...
0:08:54 > 0:08:56- Gentlemen, let...- You're the one who's cocked it up.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59- Let this...- Unbelievable.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00Let this debate carry on later.
0:09:00 > 0:09:05- THEY ARGUE IN THE BACKGROUND - Let's just remind you what Gordon Brown said a few minutes ago
0:09:05 > 0:09:08that seems to have led to this debate.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10This is Gordon Brown's statement.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12APPLAUSE
0:09:14 > 0:09:18Ofcom are investigating over 300 complaints about that.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19All from Adam Boulton!
0:09:19 > 0:09:23That's amazing. 300 people watch Sky!
0:09:23 > 0:09:25That's phenomenal!
0:09:25 > 0:09:29- Alastair does bring that out in you though.- It's a gift. He's good at it.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Fancy arguing with Alastair Campbell
0:09:31 > 0:09:36and you ending up being the one who goes mad and looks like a lunatic.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38That is traditionally Campbell's job.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41He's also suggesting that Sky is biased.
0:09:41 > 0:09:46What's new? He used to say the BBC was biased and then went bonkers and tried to close it down.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48This is what Alastair does.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Or did.
0:09:50 > 0:09:51Oh, no. Does.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54With any luck we're not going to see him any more.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Bye-bye, Alastair. Bye-bye, Mandy.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00They're hosting the show next week, haven't you heard?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04As you say, Gordon Brown has gone,
0:10:04 > 0:10:08and as a special treat let's do our caption competition nice and early.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Brown and the Queen.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13She's saying, "About bloody time! I've not been able to nip out
0:10:13 > 0:10:16"for milk since last Thursday. I'm gasping!"
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Is she saying, "I'm sorry but Prince Charles
0:10:18 > 0:10:20"thinks he is a lampshade at the moment"?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23And what about this?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26"Bloody hell, you've regenerated!"
0:10:29 > 0:10:31I think she's saying, "BZZZ, gotcha!"
0:10:32 > 0:10:35We've actually made our own tribute to Gordon,
0:10:35 > 0:10:39and to use the well-known phrase, let's take a look at his best bits.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Thank you and goodbye.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47APPLAUSE
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Gordon Brown has gone, he's done the decent thing.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- He's not done the decent thing. - He's stepped aside.- Not immediately.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56The decent thing would have been on Friday morning.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59We don't talk about barnacles stepping aside
0:10:59 > 0:11:01when you chip them off.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04What was he supposed to do? Constitutionally he was the Prime Minister -
0:11:04 > 0:11:08it was his job to stay on until another government could be formed.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10He was going to stay until October.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13You don't understand how the country works!
0:11:13 > 0:11:15JULIA: No.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Threatening to leave your party in six months and saying,
0:11:18 > 0:11:23I will sort out the deal so I will hang on that long, is not constitutional.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27That is an attempt to cling on to power. That is Mr Barnacle doing what he does.
0:11:27 > 0:11:32It's no good saying, I hate journalists because they're critical of this particular thing,
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- that's cobblers... - I hate journalists, full stop...
0:11:34 > 0:11:36..the chance to form a party!
0:11:36 > 0:11:38He was very nice to me in the dressing room.
0:11:40 > 0:11:41That's the Chrissy Special!
0:11:45 > 0:11:49When he finally resigned, I think for the first time he looked genuinely happy.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52And for me that was the first time he'd reflected the public mood.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56He has done the decent thing, he's stepped aside,
0:11:56 > 0:12:00so it's time for a more thoughtful reflection on the high points of his career.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09INAUDIBLE
0:12:11 > 0:12:12Oh!
0:12:12 > 0:12:14INAUDIBLE
0:12:23 > 0:12:25INAUDIBLE
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Time now for a quick-fire Gordon Brown round.
0:12:59 > 0:13:00Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04There have been allegations that Gordon can be quite bad-tempered.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08What technique did his aides develop to give him bad news?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10- BELL RINGS - They ran out the door first.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Was it for a friendly psychic?
0:13:14 > 0:13:15At a seance?
0:13:15 > 0:13:19Is there somebody here with a £160 billion deficit?
0:13:24 > 0:13:27They developed a technique called the news sandwich.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Where they'd start off by...
0:13:31 > 0:13:32Then they would...
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Also a technique that the Queen was exposed to this week -
0:13:41 > 0:13:46"Gordon Brown's quitting, he's on his way to see you, he'll be gone soon."
0:13:48 > 0:13:52How did Gordon Brown take responsibility for the Damian McBride smear scandal?
0:13:52 > 0:13:53BELL RINGS
0:13:53 > 0:13:58- He said, "I take responsibility, I'll find out who it is and sack them."- Let's see.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02I take full responsibility, that's why the person who's responsible went immediately.
0:14:03 > 0:14:09One of the smears involved a photo of George Osborne allegedly wearing stockings and suspenders.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13In the recent negations the Lib Dems dropped their demands to get rid of Trident
0:14:13 > 0:14:15in return for seeing that photo.
0:14:16 > 0:14:21- Who would want to see that photo?! - You bought him as a slave!- Yeah!
0:14:21 > 0:14:23LAUGHTER
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Where and when was this picture taken?
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Was it at the coalition talks? LAUGHTER
0:14:32 > 0:14:33Afghanistan.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- Yes, Little Heathrow in Afghanistan. - CHRIS: Little Heathrow?
0:14:36 > 0:14:40So there is a third runway! LAUGHTER
0:14:42 > 0:14:46- That's been taken off.- What, they're not going to build the third runway?
0:14:46 > 0:14:48- No. The third runway's been dumped. - My arse.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51- LAUGHTER - Is that where they have the site?
0:14:52 > 0:14:55There's too many rich people getting rich out of that.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56They won't stop that.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Oh, such cynicism is a thing of the past, Martin.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Yeah, these are the new politics.
0:15:01 > 0:15:06- You don't tell him off, do you?! - Says the editor of Private Eye! - He's not a journalist.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08He, like me, is just an ill-informed bystander.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10LAUGHTER
0:15:10 > 0:15:11Barely literate.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:14 > 0:15:19And here he is in Afghanistan trying to shake someone's hand.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22HE SPEAKS RAPIDLY IN OWN LANGUAGE
0:15:28 > 0:15:30LAUGHTER
0:15:34 > 0:15:36- Foreigners. Don't you hate them? - LAUGHTER
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Here's a similar moment outside Number 10.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49LAUGHTER JULIA: Oooh!
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Oooh!
0:15:51 > 0:15:56Do you think he was telling him off? He was going, "You shouldn't have shaken his hand. Don't shake mine!"
0:15:56 > 0:16:02This is an historic week in which all of that stuff we've just been talking about has happened.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04- Oh... - LAUGHTER
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Mirror journalist, Jason Beattie, wrote...
0:16:11 > 0:16:12For ever, dickhead.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14The next one will be the 54th.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:17 > 0:16:21Earlier in the election campaign, the Daily Mail slurred Nick Clegg
0:16:21 > 0:16:23by suggesting he was sympathetic to the Nazis.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25A headline which, in the end,
0:16:25 > 0:16:29made the coalition easier to sell to some of the dyed-in-the-wool Tories.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31LAUGHTER
0:16:31 > 0:16:37David Cameron kicked off negotiations with the Lib Dems by making them an offer he called...
0:16:37 > 0:16:39First time he's used the word, "Comprehensive",
0:16:39 > 0:16:41without adding the word, "Oik".
0:16:41 > 0:16:43LAUGHTER
0:16:43 > 0:16:48At this key moment in British politics, a lot of attention's being paid to the smaller parties.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50But let's not forget the smallest party of all -
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Gordon's farewell drinks.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54GROANING
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- Shut up. - LAUGHTER
0:16:59 > 0:17:03So, at the end of that round, it's Ian and Julia with four big points,
0:17:03 > 0:17:07- and Paul and Chris have four big points.- Four big points as well, that's pretty good.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09APPLAUSE
0:17:14 > 0:17:18And so to round two, the one-armed bandit of news.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Mmmm, fingers on your buzzers, teams. Here's the first one.
0:17:25 > 0:17:26BUZZER
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Fayed.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32Mohamed Al Fayed. He's the owner of Harrods and he sold it
0:17:32 > 0:17:35to the Qatari royal family for one and a half billion pounds.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38So from now on, Harrods is going to be completely different.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40LAUGHTER
0:17:40 > 0:17:44- He's dressed up as a pharaoh there. - Pharaohs were well known for wearing lounge suits.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46They did. This particular one -
0:17:46 > 0:17:47Tooting Common.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51LAUGHTER
0:17:51 > 0:17:56You've got to admire the ego. I went up to introduce myself to him once as a journalist and he went,
0:17:56 > 0:17:58"Ah, yes, yes," grabbed my pad of paper
0:17:58 > 0:18:01and gave me his autograph and handed it back to me.
0:18:01 > 0:18:02What do we know about the new owner,
0:18:02 > 0:18:07Sheikh Hamad bin Khalifa bin Hamad Abdullah bin Jassim bin Muhammad Al Thani?
0:18:07 > 0:18:09- He's from Galway. - LAUGHTER
0:18:09 > 0:18:13He's the head of the Qatari royal family who bought Al Fayed's shop.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15He has 27 children from three wives,
0:18:15 > 0:18:20and 15 years ago, he deposed his father, who was on holiday in Switzerland at the time.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- He sounds nice, doesn't he? - LAUGHTER
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Mohamed Al Fayed's always been a lot of fun.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27What did we learn his favourite trick was?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Does he jump out of a cupboard shouting at people?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33According to the Mail On Sunday, he likes to offer people Smints
0:18:33 > 0:18:35and tell them that they're Viagra.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37LAUGHTER
0:18:37 > 0:18:39- Not a soft mint, then. - LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:18:39 > 0:18:41See what I've done there? Yes.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43He doesn't need Viagra.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45LAUGHTER
0:18:45 > 0:18:48He's a wonderful lover!
0:18:48 > 0:18:51He's got an escalator that goes to the top floor.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52LAUGHTER
0:18:52 > 0:18:57He's clearly a successful businessman. What do we know about his methods?
0:18:57 > 0:18:58LAUGHTER
0:18:58 > 0:19:00IUD coil? No? I don't know!
0:19:00 > 0:19:02LAUGHTER
0:19:02 > 0:19:04He's not a gynaecologist.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05Whatever he might have told you!
0:19:05 > 0:19:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Oh, no!
0:19:11 > 0:19:15Yes, this is the news that Mohamed Al Fayed has offloaded Harrods.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18The new Qatari owner bought Harrods for one and a half billion pounds.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20If only he'd hung on till the sales,
0:19:20 > 0:19:23he could have got it for one and a half billion pounds.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Qatar Holdings chairman is...
0:19:28 > 0:19:32Which, by the time you add licensed to sell intoxicating spirits
0:19:32 > 0:19:34won't quite fit on the sign above the door, will it?
0:19:34 > 0:19:38Shall I get rid of this before I put fingers on buzzers?
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- No, it's all right, keep that. - We like that? OK.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42It's bugging me, that's all.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the next one.
0:19:46 > 0:19:47Oh, I see.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50APPLAUSE
0:19:55 > 0:19:57BUZZ!
0:19:57 > 0:20:00When you're in a play, are you always surprised by how it finishes?
0:20:00 > 0:20:05Have you ever done a play where the phone rings and it shouldn't be ringing?
0:20:05 > 0:20:06I saw that and the actor...
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Everybody looked at the phone startled,
0:20:08 > 0:20:10they'd never seen a phone ringing before.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13And one of the actors went over to it,
0:20:13 > 0:20:15picked it up and said, "It's for you!"
0:20:16 > 0:20:18This is people sitting outside a public library.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20That's right.
0:20:20 > 0:20:21- That's all I know about it.- Is it?
0:20:21 > 0:20:25- This is a library in King's Lynn... - Where the goblins live.
0:20:25 > 0:20:26..in Norfolk.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29And they're employing bouncers to keep the peace,
0:20:29 > 0:20:31- do we know why? - They're throwing people in.
0:20:34 > 0:20:35Knowledge!
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Nobody know?
0:20:37 > 0:20:41They've called bouncers in to protect the staff from...
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Or in other words -
0:20:44 > 0:20:45children.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49And what sort of things are the adorable little tykes accused of?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52They're not trying to take books out, are they?
0:20:52 > 0:20:55According to a local county councillor,
0:20:55 > 0:20:56children would not only...
0:20:58 > 0:20:59..but also...
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Would they put their hands in the air...
0:21:03 > 0:21:04like they just don't care?
0:21:06 > 0:21:08And how did the Express
0:21:08 > 0:21:11bring balance to this story in their headline?
0:21:11 > 0:21:12"Burn the library down."
0:21:15 > 0:21:17"Says Diana through medium."
0:21:17 > 0:21:20APPLAUSE
0:21:22 > 0:21:23No, they ran with...
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Message boards have been going crazy about this...
0:21:47 > 0:21:52Well, that's cleared that up. Time now, for the odd-one-out round,
0:21:52 > 0:21:54fingers on buzzers, teams. They are...
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Gordon Brown,
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Delia Smith's seafood risotto,
0:21:57 > 0:21:59tennis player Robert Dee,
0:21:59 > 0:22:01and a dish of hummus in the Lebanon.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02BUZZ!
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Gordon Brown, during the election, by I think a member of Labour,
0:22:06 > 0:22:08was described as the worst prime minister ever.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Delia Smith's seaside risotto was described as absolutely disgusting.
0:22:12 > 0:22:17Um... Roger Dee, was it? British tennis player, he was accused
0:22:17 > 0:22:19of being the worst ever tennis professional,
0:22:19 > 0:22:22but I think he sued successfully and proved he wasn't.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26He was unsuccessful. I thought you were allowed to describe him
0:22:26 > 0:22:29as the worst, cos he lost every match, isn't that right?
0:22:29 > 0:22:32A record-breaking 54 straight-set losses on the professional circuit.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35And it was only on the Wii.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39So, it's about things being the worst thing in the world.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42So those three are the worst at what they do and the hummus is the best,
0:22:42 > 0:22:46- so that's the odd one out. - It's pretty good, it's not quite the best.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49They've all been described as the worst of their kind,
0:22:49 > 0:22:51apart from the big bowl of hummus
0:22:51 > 0:22:54which has been described as the largest of its kind.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57This week, a team of 300 Lebanese chefs broke the world record
0:22:57 > 0:23:00for the biggest bowl of hummus ever made.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Well, that's enough to feed Hampstead for two days.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08It took 300 chefs to prepare the dish.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11And if you want to imagine what 300 chefs look like,
0:23:11 > 0:23:14just turn on your telly and channel hop for a couple of minutes.
0:23:14 > 0:23:19It's part of the ongoing hummus war between Lebanon and Israel.
0:23:19 > 0:23:20Yes.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24Lebanon claims Israel is stealing traditional Arab dishes
0:23:24 > 0:23:26and marketing them worldwide as Israeli.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30Their latest effort beat the record set by Israel in January this year.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33You don't want to be taking Israel on in a war.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36And it's a bit near to Hamas really, isn't it?
0:23:38 > 0:23:42Labour candidate, Manish Sood, announced that Britain was in a mess
0:23:42 > 0:23:45and that the worst prime minister ever was Gordon Brown.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49Luckily for his party, the eccentric Mr Sood was standing as a candidate
0:23:49 > 0:23:52in a place where Labour didn't have a hope in hell of winning,
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Britain.
0:23:53 > 0:23:59Fans of the nation's favourite cook, Delia Smith have described her recipe for seafood risotto as
0:23:59 > 0:24:02the worst risotto they have ever tasted.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Usually her recipes are praised because people say
0:24:05 > 0:24:09they work very well. But this, it didn't, so people created this risotto thing,
0:24:09 > 0:24:13and they had to put it into bin liners and take it to the end of the garden and bury it.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Yes. Visitors to the Waitrose website described it as -
0:24:18 > 0:24:20And according to one reviewer -
0:24:29 > 0:24:34Time for the missing words round, which this week features as its guest publication...
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Well, we were bound to have it one day.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39SCATTERED LAUGHTER
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Somebody wrote that.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42LAUGHTER
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Somebody read it.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47We start with:
0:24:47 > 0:24:50If you know who's on the phone before it answers...before,
0:24:50 > 0:24:52oh, for goodness' sake.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- I'll do it for you, if you want. - Would you mind?
0:24:55 > 0:24:59If you know who's on the phone before you answer it then, what?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01LAUGHTER
0:25:01 > 0:25:03- Was that me? Was that me?- Yes.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06APPLAUSE
0:25:07 > 0:25:09..then you're psychic.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Or, you've only got one friend.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Or you've dialled the speaking clock.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18And it's rung you back, out of pity.
0:25:18 > 0:25:19The answer...
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Or more likely, you've got Caller ID.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24Next...
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Takes the effort out of pillow talk?
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Annoys duvet with unfounded gossip.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36It's for students to help students revise.
0:25:36 > 0:25:41Hey! This is a pillow containing a speaker which can play students pre-recorded lectures
0:25:41 > 0:25:43while they sleep. Next...
0:25:45 > 0:25:46Oo-oo-oo!
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Oo-oo-oo!
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Is it, oo-oo-oo, ah-ah-ah!
0:25:50 > 0:25:55You just shake your head. They found a chimp who can mimic human actions.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59Well done. The answer is shake your head. Quick chimp
0:25:59 > 0:26:02head movements mean "no" and quick chimp hand movements mean
0:26:02 > 0:26:04"cover your children's eyes."
0:26:06 > 0:26:08So, the final scores are,
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Ian and Julia have seven. Paul and Chris
0:26:10 > 0:26:12have eight.
0:26:12 > 0:26:13Oh, it's a robbery.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15APPLAUSE
0:26:20 > 0:26:25So does that, in the new era, does that technically mean I've won?
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Deputy winner.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32On which note we say thank you to our panellists
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Ian Hislop and Julia Hartley-Brewer,
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Paul Merton and Chris Addison.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40And I leave you with news that before being accepted by the Conservative Party
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Nick Clegg is subjected to one final humiliating public examination.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Honk.
0:26:49 > 0:26:54In a pigsty in Somerset there's proof that even the most unlikely coalition can work.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01It's a cross between a pig and a High Court judge.
0:27:06 > 0:27:11After the voting chaos at UK polling stations a team of international experts flies in to investigate.
0:27:17 > 0:27:21As the Tories refuse to agree to the Lib Dem demands to abolish Trident,
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Menzies Campbell decides to do it himself.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Good night.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:02 > 0:28:05E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:28:05 > 0:28:08I've got Wendy Craig's old dressing room.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10It's got her initials on the door, anyway.