0:00:22 > 0:00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42I'm John Prescott. In the news this week -
0:00:42 > 0:00:44ten years after being caught fare-dodging,
0:00:44 > 0:00:47it looks like Cherie Blair's at it again.
0:00:53 > 0:00:58In Westminster, as the new MPs arrive, there's a worrying moment,
0:00:58 > 0:01:02when a Commons official asks if anyone wants an expense claim form.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08APPLAUSE
0:01:10 > 0:01:12On the eve of the carnival,
0:01:12 > 0:01:14one Notting Hill resident announced
0:01:14 > 0:01:18what he'll be serving from the stall in his front garden.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19A lean salad
0:01:19 > 0:01:22of lemon-and-lime-marinated roasted tofu,
0:01:22 > 0:01:24with baby spinach and rocket,
0:01:24 > 0:01:28home-roasted plum tomatoes and grilled ficelle crouton
0:01:28 > 0:01:31for just £1.70.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35On Ian's team is a comedian from Liverpool.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39Is there any other kind of Liverpudlian?
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Please welcome John Bishop.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44APPLAUSE
0:01:46 > 0:01:48And on Paul's team,
0:01:48 > 0:01:53a newsreader and presenter who was once named in the FHM magazine
0:01:53 > 0:01:56as the 92nd sexiest woman in the world.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59So, only 91 places behind Pauline.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02That should get me back in the good books.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06Please welcome Penny Smith.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08APPLAUSE
0:02:10 > 0:02:14We start with the biggest stories of the week. Paul and Penny,
0:02:14 > 0:02:15take a look at this.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Oh, right, this is the oil leak. There's the black sea.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21This is the oil leak in America,
0:02:21 > 0:02:24he's finding a bit of sand that's not contaminated by oil.
0:02:24 > 0:02:29This is the BP continual failure to stem this terrible leak under the sea.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32There was this thing called top kill, which sounded quite good.
0:02:32 > 0:02:38- You chuck old golf balls and rubber tyres down this hole to stop it spurting.- It's top technology.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Remember the boom with the human hair on it
0:02:41 > 0:02:44that was supposed to stop it reaching the beaches on Louisiana? Barking.
0:02:44 > 0:02:50All they needed to do was get a load of middle-aged men to clear out their belly buttons.
0:02:50 > 0:02:55The fluff that's in the middle, that would stop anything!
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Just around this table, we could have stopped it... Not you, Penny!
0:02:58 > 0:03:03Never, never. You could alternately get lots of really hairy men
0:03:03 > 0:03:06to swim through it, soaking it all up.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12These ideas aren't THAT much more ludicrous than what BP's been doing!
0:03:12 > 0:03:14I think the next one is
0:03:14 > 0:03:19they're going to put a million tonnes of chips in and set fire to it.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21That sounds very interesting to me!
0:03:23 > 0:03:25APPLAUSE
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Since the oil well exploded six weeks ago,
0:03:28 > 0:03:33BP set up a live video link, showing the damaged pipe gushing oil into the ocean.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Sounds like a brilliant PR move.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Let's have a look at it.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41That's like being caught having sex with your wife's sister
0:03:41 > 0:03:43and then videoing it and saying,
0:03:43 > 0:03:47"I'm sorry, love, but if you want to see what it looked like, this is it."
0:03:47 > 0:03:51"I've dropped a massive bollock, but I've filmed it."
0:03:54 > 0:03:57BP have tried several ways of stemming the flow of oil.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00What was the method known as top hat?
0:04:00 > 0:04:03That was putting an enormous bucket on top
0:04:03 > 0:04:06and thinking that all the oil would go into that.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08And then there was top kill.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Then there's the latest operation which is,
0:04:10 > 0:04:13"Oh, no! It won't stop!"
0:04:14 > 0:04:16I don't understand how they can have laid all these pipes
0:04:16 > 0:04:19under the sea and not thought at any stage,
0:04:19 > 0:04:25"Just in case there's some massive cephalopod goes in there
0:04:25 > 0:04:31- "and nibbles through one of the pipes..." Well, you never know, do you?- Do you think that's what it was?
0:04:31 > 0:04:33A giant squid?
0:04:33 > 0:04:38Cephalopod - I love the fact... I'm never playing Scrabble with you.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:45 > 0:04:49BP have published a list of helpful contact numbers on their website.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52You can see numbers for coastline information,
0:04:52 > 0:04:55wildlife distress. If you look closely there's also a number...
0:04:59 > 0:05:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Obviously, lots of people are upset about the oil spill.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10Here's Senator James Carville talking about Obama.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12He just looks like he's not involved in this.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14You got to get down here and take control.
0:05:14 > 0:05:20Put somebody in charge of this thing and get this thing moving. We're about to die down here!
0:05:20 > 0:05:22He's what you want.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26Somebody who looks like he sits on benches and shouts at buses.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:28 > 0:05:33You know if you're walking through a pub and there's a bloke who looks like that at the bar
0:05:33 > 0:05:35and says, "Do you fancy a game of darts?" You go, "No."
0:05:38 > 0:05:43The Americans have had a number of strategies. The first was to blame the British,
0:05:43 > 0:05:46which worked for a while. It's obviously our fault - British Petroleum.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50And now they're blaming Obama because he hasn't personally dived down...
0:05:50 > 0:05:54after walking on the water...
0:05:54 > 0:05:56and saved them, and they're furious with him.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59This is what happens when you're in power, John, you get blamed for everything.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03I don't know. I was never in power, but I always got blamed for everything.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08This is the biggest ever American oil disaster.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10According to the Sun...
0:06:12 > 0:06:15..with all the appeal of Belgium.
0:06:15 > 0:06:20One of the failed attempts to solve this crisis was to cover the leaking oil pipe
0:06:20 > 0:06:22with something described as...
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Bloody hell! Has David Cameron been advising them?
0:06:26 > 0:06:30Yes, indeed. Bring on the class war!
0:06:30 > 0:06:33From Lord Prescott!
0:06:33 > 0:06:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:39 > 0:06:44The only reason I know I've been booked is to put a Scouser between these two!
0:06:44 > 0:06:46To try and get a little bit of balance.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49You've been booked to field the first punch.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Have you got a name yet? Are you Lord Prescott of...?
0:06:55 > 0:06:58They usually make up a word that sounds like Terry Pratchett...
0:06:58 > 0:07:01I only read it in the press. There's been no official communication.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Oh, I've misjudged you! So you're not going to become a lord.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06You've stuck to your principles. Well done, John.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09- Applause! - LOUD APPLAUSE
0:07:13 > 0:07:17In the British system you are summoned to that. So far it has not happened.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21So you can't call me that. So don't kneel at the moment - perhaps later.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Do you say that to all the girls?
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Ian and John, here's yours.
0:07:29 > 0:07:30Going in...
0:07:30 > 0:07:32and coming out.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38And there's a feather in the cap.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39I met him the first time.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43Yes, this is the news that David Laws has resigned.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- How did Laws defend his actions? - He said he was
0:07:46 > 0:07:48safeguarding his privacy.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52Um, which I think probably isn't true, technically.
0:07:52 > 0:07:58He paid £40,000 to his partner in accommodation fees.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02He could have kept the relationship private by not claiming money from the public.
0:08:02 > 0:08:07He was a Lib Dem, so being gay is not a problem, there's a long history of it in the party.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09LAUGHTER
0:08:09 > 0:08:13But was IS a problem is basically fiddling your expenses.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17And Nick Clegg promised everything would be cleaner than clean,
0:08:17 > 0:08:21one of his opening speeches, he said, "You tell us what laws you don't like".
0:08:21 > 0:08:22And it turned out to be David.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24LAUGHTER
0:08:28 > 0:08:29And he's had to leave.
0:08:29 > 0:08:34And it's because the public were sick of people fiddling expenses. Weren't they, John?
0:08:34 > 0:08:37- David Laws said...- All those people who had to pay back money.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41I never admitted, that was an insinuation and I never did it, right?
0:08:41 > 0:08:43What about the council tax?
0:08:43 > 0:08:45I didn't on the council tax, no.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47- On Admiralty Arch? - Admiralty Arch, I paid it.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Yeah, you paid back, didn't you?
0:08:49 > 0:08:54- You believe everything in Private Eye.- Yeah, I do.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Didn't you pay for one of your loo seats, though?
0:08:59 > 0:09:05A loo seat? Another story, totally untrue. I have never had the taxpayer pay for my loo seats!
0:09:05 > 0:09:07LAUGHTER
0:09:07 > 0:09:08Just checking!
0:09:08 > 0:09:12It's true, I bought two loo seats. the taxpayer didn't.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13Was it for the same loo?
0:09:13 > 0:09:14Pardon?
0:09:14 > 0:09:15LAUGHTER
0:09:15 > 0:09:18What, a double-decker system?
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- Yes! Top kill!- Yeah.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25I admitted to having bulimia and everybody thought it was connected to the toilet seat.
0:09:25 > 0:09:30So, the toilet seats, you were quite clean on that one?
0:09:31 > 0:09:34It wasn't true that the taxpayer paid for those toilet seats!
0:09:34 > 0:09:39It was cleared! Because some Tory reported me to the parliamentary commission...
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Oh, bastards!
0:09:41 > 0:09:43..and admitted it wasn't true! That'll do for me.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45What about the mock Tudor beam?
0:09:45 > 0:09:48The same, that was inquired into after a complaint by a Tory
0:09:48 > 0:09:52and they said it was a replacement of rotten wood, as in other buildings,
0:09:52 > 0:09:54- which is allowed under maintenance. - Right.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58So we didn't pay for the loo seat, but we did pay for a lot of other shit you did?
0:09:58 > 0:10:00LAUGHTER
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Well, you can put it like that(!)
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Anyway.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06- LAUGHTER - David Laws...
0:10:06 > 0:10:08David Laws said...
0:10:16 > 0:10:18To which one colleague said...
0:10:21 > 0:10:22Typical Lib Dem.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25LAUGHTER
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Apart from his desire to protect his privacy,
0:10:28 > 0:10:32how did Laws defend paying his partner with taxpayers' money?
0:10:32 > 0:10:35He said it was of no financial benefit to him,
0:10:35 > 0:10:39um, and that he could have been richer if they bought a mortgage together.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43I'm glad John's adopting a strong position on that,
0:10:43 > 0:10:47"I'm using publicly funded buildings for secret love trysts, honestly."
0:10:47 > 0:10:50AUDIENCE: Ooooh!
0:10:50 > 0:10:52APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:10:54 > 0:10:58I just want to say, if the producers are watching, I'm not taking the first punch.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00LAUGHTER
0:11:02 > 0:11:04He's on my right, not the left.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07But he actually said...
0:11:07 > 0:11:08LAUGHTER
0:11:08 > 0:11:13He has said they hadn't really been in a marriage. In a statement, Mr Laws said...
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Certainly sounds like marriage to me.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Don't it, love?
0:11:24 > 0:11:26LAUGHTER
0:11:26 > 0:11:28My point entirely!
0:11:28 > 0:11:30LAUGHTER
0:11:30 > 0:11:34- What do you know about his partner, James Lundie? - Isn't he a lobbyist?- He is.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Sadly.
0:11:35 > 0:11:36I gather he's gay.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38LAUGHTER
0:11:38 > 0:11:40And I think he might even be a Lib Dem!
0:11:40 > 0:11:45Well, according to the Telegraph, he's universally rated as...
0:11:48 > 0:11:51And according to the journalist Lynn Barber,
0:11:51 > 0:11:53he's very knowledgeable about sharks.
0:11:56 > 0:12:01And according to Lundie's Twitter feed on the 19th March...
0:12:05 > 0:12:08You can for 40 grand!
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Laws has been replaced by Danny Alexander.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Why did he get that job?
0:12:14 > 0:12:18I think there's a little aura of ginger about him and if you look across the Cabinet,
0:12:18 > 0:12:21that was the ethnic group that's completely missed.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26I had no idea you were so sophisticated!
0:12:28 > 0:12:32The paper spotted Danny Alexander's uncanny resemblance to somebody this week.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36He's been nicknamed "Beaker" after the TV Muppet.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42He's not the only politician to look like a Muppet, though -
0:12:42 > 0:12:45there's also the Cookie Monster.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Ooh. Cookie!
0:12:49 > 0:12:51APPLAUSE
0:12:52 > 0:12:55For an awful moment, I thought you said, "Nookie!"
0:12:56 > 0:13:01The other political story this week is the Dissolution Honours List.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03- Ian.- Oh, right, yes. No!
0:13:03 > 0:13:07A number of very unlikely people have been made peers this week.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11Though some of them haven't, and have renounced it publicly on television.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13APPLAUSE
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Which is good.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18Cos otherwise, there'd be some criticism.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22- Of course, the Commons' loss... - Are you going to take it? That's the big story.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24- When they invite me, I'll tell you. - OK.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27And if you take it, will it be because your wife told you to?
0:13:27 > 0:13:31- No, certainly not.- Cos I keep reading in interviews with you...
0:13:31 > 0:13:35I told you, it's like Private Eye. You can't believe everything you read in the papers.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39If you read an interview in The Scotsman, where they write the words you say to them,
0:13:39 > 0:13:44and they seem to contain the phrase, "I will never take a peerage", or, "my wife told me to",
0:13:44 > 0:13:46- are we to assume you never said anything?- Yes.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50- Untrue, that.- Completely untrue? - Yes. I'll tell you the trouble with journalists.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53They get it all on the cuttings. They don't ask you,
0:13:53 > 0:13:56- they see a cutting...- Were you not interviewed by The Scotsman?
0:13:56 > 0:13:58I don't know whether I was.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01No, you see, that's the trouble with politicians.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04- They never remember anything!- No! We get interviewed by a lot of people,
0:14:04 > 0:14:07and you have to be honest in your reply - I can't remember.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09But if you asked me, did I say that? I'd say no.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13- No, but do you always... - Do you believe everything you read? - Obviously not.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Do you believe everything that YOU say?
0:14:15 > 0:14:18- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Yes, I do. Yes, I do.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22Well, I mean, that might be unusual, but yes, I do.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26- Of course, the Commons' loss is the Lords' gain.- Yes.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29How will the Commons cope without my debating skills?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Just look at what they'll be missing.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER - Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen.
0:14:34 > 0:14:39- ..put up taxes on the poor in order to...- Gentlemen! - How many elections have you...?
0:14:39 > 0:14:44- Nothing.- In all fairness... - No, it's all yak, yak, yak.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Perhaps that's not the behaviour we expect from a Lord.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52But then, neither is this.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55How does this region get out of recession?
0:14:55 > 0:14:56Oh...
0:14:58 > 0:15:00APPLAUSE
0:15:00 > 0:15:03This is the resignation of David Laws.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07This story, once again, proves how important it is for an MP
0:15:07 > 0:15:10to be squeaky clean about their expenses.
0:15:10 > 0:15:16Which is why I, for one, never claimed one penny for my second home, The Hull Meat Pie Shop.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Time now for round two. Prescott Egg Of News.
0:15:22 > 0:15:30I don't know if you remember, but someone threw an egg at me once. In case you don't, here's a reminder.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Ah, the dignity of office!
0:15:41 > 0:15:45Well, Tony told me to go out and connect with the election. So I did.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49Looking at that individual, I'd have hit him just for his haircut.
0:15:49 > 0:15:54In Prescott Egg Of News, an egg will be thrown,
0:15:54 > 0:15:58and will then smash to reveal a news story of the week.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Buzz if you know what that story is.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05BUZZ
0:16:05 > 0:16:10This is such a lovely story about the pensioner who shaved ten miles off the marathon
0:16:10 > 0:16:14by taking a sneaky shortcut and then ending up in the Guinness Book of Records!
0:16:16 > 0:16:21Unfortunately, he actually finished before he actually started!
0:16:21 > 0:16:24He finished in three hours and five minutes, setting the fastest time
0:16:24 > 0:16:26ever recorded by anyone over 65.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Over a distance of 12 miles.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35Why were suspicions first aroused that something fishy had gone on?
0:16:35 > 0:16:37He beat the team from Kenya.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44Each runner has a microchip, which track their progress.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46According to the Telegraph...
0:17:01 > 0:17:03He just jumped!
0:17:03 > 0:17:08In other sporting news, the England World Cup squad has left for South Africa.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Who got left behind?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Young Theo wasn't allowed into the squad.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14I was gutted(!) Gutted!
0:17:14 > 0:17:20Leaving out Theo. What is Fabio playing at?
0:17:23 > 0:17:26This is pensioner Anthony Gaskell, who has been accused
0:17:26 > 0:17:29of cheating in the London Marathon.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31He was officially recorded as the fastest pensioner,
0:17:31 > 0:17:34but according to the Daily Mail...
0:17:36 > 0:17:40Strip a man of his title? Is that possible?
0:17:40 > 0:17:44Mr Gaskell's shortcut was found out because each runner is given a chip.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48Make it a bag, throw in a few scraps and I'll run the damn race!
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Fingers on the buzzer, teams.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55BELL RINGS
0:17:55 > 0:17:58A man with the worst shirt...ever.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03This is the Japanese Prime Minister, who's causing a bit of a scandal
0:18:03 > 0:18:05in his country because of this shirt.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09Many different colours, it belonged to Joseph before him.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13And other people in Japan now see this as a great fashion item.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14Yes, this is the...
0:18:14 > 0:18:17HE LAUGHS I just did it as a joke!
0:18:18 > 0:18:20So did he, clearly!
0:18:20 > 0:18:23The Prime Minister has a long history of fashion crimes.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26- That's all right.- Early Elvis.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Early Lionel Blair.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Oh, Noel Edmonds!
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Any comments, Paul?
0:18:36 > 0:18:39- No...- I think you borrowed that one, didn't you?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42I really like that blouse, it's really pretty.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47I tell you what, it feels lovely!
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- Ooh.- And the shirt does too.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57This is sexual harassment in the workplace.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Closer to home, Ian, who else has been picked up
0:19:00 > 0:19:02on their fashion sense, this week?
0:19:02 > 0:19:03Why did you say "Ian" in that way?
0:19:03 > 0:19:08Because I'm known for my fashion sense.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10I am the Gok Kwan...
0:19:10 > 0:19:14LAUGHTER
0:19:14 > 0:19:16- Actually, it's Theresa May.- Oh!
0:19:16 > 0:19:18According to the Mail, she's worn this jacket
0:19:18 > 0:19:20for every key event of the last fortnight.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24Expenses aren't what they used to be.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26It looks as though it needs the helmet put down.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32She's been wearing it that long, she's got a parking meter on it!
0:19:32 > 0:19:33Look at him, there.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41She's accused by the Mail of attending meetings of the new Cabinet wearing...
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Though unlike Thunderbirds, there's no Brains.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50- GROANING - Fingers on the buzzer, teams.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54BUZZ
0:19:54 > 0:19:57This is the anniversary of the driving test.
0:19:57 > 0:20:0070, 80 years ago, something like that.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04In Ireland in 1970, such was the backlog of people who had applied for driving licences
0:20:04 > 0:20:08that they couldn't get a test for years, so the Irish government said,
0:20:08 > 0:20:10"If you've got a provisional, you've passed".
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Yes, yes. It's 75 years old. Can you guess the headline?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16It's an L of an anniversary.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18LAUGHTER
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Don't boo me, I've been asked what the papers are saying.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24I'm a professional comic, I don't go round doing jokes like that.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Unless it gets a laugh, of course.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30- Is this on?- One L of a birthday. - One L of a birthday, I was right.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Thank you. Thanks very much.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:20:36 > 0:20:39And I'd like to see us return to a black and white world.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43What are you clapping that for, it's an idiotic thing to say!
0:20:43 > 0:20:46I like this as well, I like the fact that they've got
0:20:46 > 0:20:49the first photograph of dogging ever to take place.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Who remembers Maureen?
0:20:53 > 0:20:54Maureen?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57I've read your CV, John, but it's just not...
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Maureen...
0:21:01 > 0:21:04She was the one that took the driving test the most times ever.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07And then she went and got her own reality TV show
0:21:07 > 0:21:10where she essentially went round bumping in to things,
0:21:10 > 0:21:11a bit like a dodgem car.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14One of those reality TV shows that should have been called,
0:21:14 > 0:21:16There Is Someone Thicker Than You.
0:21:19 > 0:21:20Penny's absolutely right,
0:21:20 > 0:21:23she's Maureen from the reality TV show, Driving School.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Who eventually passed her test after eight attempts.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Here she is in action.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30I told you to slow down, didn't I?
0:21:30 > 0:21:32CAR HORN BLASTS Whoa!
0:21:35 > 0:21:37What did you do that for, I could have been over there?
0:21:37 > 0:21:39- The car was up your- BLEEP!
0:21:39 > 0:21:40I could have been off!
0:21:42 > 0:21:44What did you do that for, I could have been off!
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Right, no pass. No pass.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47That's it.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50- I could have been off in the first place, you silly- BLEEP!
0:21:52 > 0:21:54That looked a little bit staged to me.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Are you saying reality shows are faked?
0:21:56 > 0:21:59I'd say you've filmed an awful lot of her driving before you got
0:21:59 > 0:22:02an incident like that so close in the camera.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03Imagine filming loads of stuff
0:22:03 > 0:22:06just so you'd get half an hour's programme out of it.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08It really depends who's driving.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13APPLAUSE
0:22:14 > 0:22:16- Time now for the missing words round.- Oh, good.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Which this week features as its guest publication
0:22:19 > 0:22:23The British Beermat Collectors Society newsletter.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25And we start with...
0:22:28 > 0:22:32I've got a Cabinet post and I'm going home to my mate.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41I've got caught out and I'm going home to face the missus.
0:22:43 > 0:22:44The answer is...
0:22:44 > 0:22:46But luckily I'm going to become a Lord!
0:22:46 > 0:22:48And I'm going...
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Can we do that again, cos the twit at the end here.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55- Want to do it again? - Yeah, do it again.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57- Yeah, let's do it again.- OK.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00I've got what and I'm going home to what?
0:23:00 > 0:23:03I've got caught and I'm going home to the missus!
0:23:03 > 0:23:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:08 > 0:23:12The answer is my iPad and I'm going home to stroke it.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16This is Stephen Fry, who is overjoyed at the launch
0:23:16 > 0:23:18of the new iPad this week.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20According to The Times...
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Shops haven't seen anything like this
0:23:25 > 0:23:27since the launch of my autobiography.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Still available in all good pound shops.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35Next.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Attract randy seagulls...
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Is it, become a peer of the realm?
0:23:51 > 0:23:55If your beer mat collection has been somewhat spoiled by beer,
0:23:55 > 0:24:02it's relatively easy to remove the stain from the cardboard by rubbing moist bread over the affected areas.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05The answer is...
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Yes!
0:24:07 > 0:24:09APPLAUSE
0:24:09 > 0:24:10Next...
0:24:13 > 0:24:15He's a Conservative.
0:24:17 > 0:24:18He's gay too.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22The answer is...
0:24:23 > 0:24:26This is the Prime Minister of New Zealand,
0:24:26 > 0:24:28who told reporters he had a vasectemney...
0:24:28 > 0:24:30LAUGHTER
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Vasectomy!
0:24:41 > 0:24:43You won't know...
0:24:43 > 0:24:45You will not know how long this afternoon
0:24:45 > 0:24:47I've been trying to do that word.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49LAUGHTER
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Oh, come on! You're being mean.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52LAUGHTER
0:24:52 > 0:24:54- Oh, I... - That's a pretty small mistake
0:24:54 > 0:24:57in the light of the last 15 years!
0:24:57 > 0:25:02Go on, John. Give it a go. Take a deep breath.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06- OK, then...- Think of being handed a very, very delicate vase,
0:25:06 > 0:25:07piece of porcelain,
0:25:07 > 0:25:10and sort of, "Vase, 'eck, to me" - there we are.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13- Don't start...! - LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Vase, 'eck, to me!
0:25:16 > 0:25:19- Let me go!- OK, go! - PENNY: Unleash the beast.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Are you doing the first bit first, right?
0:25:21 > 0:25:23First part first, second part second...
0:25:23 > 0:25:27- LAUGHTER - Let's do every single word at once!
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Bloody hell!
0:25:30 > 0:25:32- Do I read that out? - Yeah, read that out.- OK!
0:25:32 > 0:25:34PENNY: Yeah.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Do you want a...?
0:25:36 > 0:25:37Give him some more!
0:25:37 > 0:25:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:40 > 0:25:46This is the Prime Minister of New Zealand, who told the reporters
0:25:46 > 0:25:49he'd had a snip.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57This could be confusing, this could be confusing.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59If you went to the barber's and he said,
0:25:59 > 0:26:01"Do you fancy a snip behind the ear",
0:26:01 > 0:26:03you're in trouble.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05I AM in trouble.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08So, the final scores are,
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Ian and John, 2...
0:26:11 > 0:26:13IAN LAUGHS
0:26:13 > 0:26:15..Paul and Penny, 6.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19I don't know how these scores are made up.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20APPLAUSE
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Paul and Penny have this...
0:26:30 > 0:26:35PENNY: Do you know, what is this thing about keeping your balls up?
0:26:35 > 0:26:37What is the p...? Is it difficult?
0:26:37 > 0:26:38Do we care?
0:26:38 > 0:26:41It's considered an inherent part of the game
0:26:41 > 0:26:42to be able to control the ball.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46But if I'm not much mistaken, David Cameron is not a footballer.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50The ball may be suspended by a piece of wire, we really don't know,
0:26:50 > 0:26:54but we can see there he is appearing with Britain's leading crisp salesman.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58Ian and John get that...
0:27:00 > 0:27:03JOHN: Capello finally finds someone who's good in a box.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:27:09 > 0:27:10Ian Hislop and John Bishop,
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Paul Merton and Penny Smith,
0:27:12 > 0:27:14and I leave you with the news
0:27:14 > 0:27:17that after new expense regulations are brought in,
0:27:17 > 0:27:21Hazel Blears reluctantly agreed to get rid of her second home.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30It's another meeting in the Cabinet Office
0:27:30 > 0:27:33and the usual volunteer offers to go and get the coffees.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38PENNY: Oh!
0:27:38 > 0:27:41There are cheers all round as another Lib Dem MP
0:27:41 > 0:27:44emerges from David Cameron's brainwashing chamber.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52And in central London, some good news at last.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56There's a parking space right outside Greggs, the bakers.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Good night.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04APPLAUSE
0:28:29 > 0:28:32Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:32 > 0:28:35E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk