0:00:02 > 0:00:03- Good evening. - AUDIENCE: Good evening!
0:00:03 > 0:00:07- They told us we could wear our own clothes tonight. - LAUGHTER
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Don't see anything funny about it.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:47 > 0:00:51Good evening, and welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Alexander Armstrong.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52In the news this week...
0:00:52 > 0:00:56In Bristol, local councillors head home after deciding to save money
0:00:56 > 0:00:58by cutting the gritting budget.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07After another round of public service cuts,
0:01:07 > 0:01:12one police officer is politely shown the way to the job centre...
0:01:12 > 0:01:15INAUDIBLE
0:01:18 > 0:01:21..and after a few too many sherries on Christmas Eve,
0:01:21 > 0:01:26Father Christmas struggles to remember where he parked his sleigh...
0:01:38 > 0:01:43On Ian Hislop's team is a comedian whose stage show always includes a spectacular inflatable set,
0:01:43 > 0:01:47just like this one. It takes Ian and Paul 14 hours to blow it up every week.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Please welcome Ross Noble!
0:01:49 > 0:01:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:53 > 0:01:58And with Paul Merton is a stand-up comedian who appeared recently in the Royal Variety Performance,
0:01:58 > 0:02:04where he went down a storm. Apparently, Prince Charles wet himself in the car on the way there.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Please welcome Micky Flanagan!
0:02:06 > 0:02:09APPLAUSE
0:02:10 > 0:02:15And we start with the bigger stories of the week. Paul and Micky, take a look at this.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Oh, you haven't got the sound on this.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20There wasn't much of it, either.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Oh, it keeps moving.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23Um, this is the...
0:02:23 > 0:02:27That's, um, yeah, the Royal Variety Performance.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30This is the notorious incident now, where Charles's car
0:02:30 > 0:02:34was trapped, pinned... Di... What's her name? Camilla, this one?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36LAUGHTER
0:02:36 > 0:02:38I've not been paying much attention.
0:02:38 > 0:02:43I thought, "She's aged a bit." But she's... They're still married."
0:02:43 > 0:02:48And apparently, she was poked with a stick between Piccadilly Circus and Argyll Street.
0:02:50 > 0:02:55Then they were rushed to the Royal Variety Performance, where Prince Charles said,
0:02:55 > 0:02:58"I think I preferred the bloody riot," and went back out again.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01- You were there, weren't you? - I thought it was brilliant,
0:03:01 > 0:03:06- she's so well trained that she didn't bolt when she was poked with a stick. - True.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09People were really cruel about the way she looked.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Now when people see her, "Oh, I wouldn't touch her with a bargepole,"
0:03:12 > 0:03:16that's just a sign you're not a student.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19- You didn't get to meet them at the end?- No. We were all lined up,
0:03:19 > 0:03:22they said, "You can't... For security reasons, they're gone.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26"They've been given an Oyster card each and..."
0:03:27 > 0:03:31- The really important people got to meet them beforehand.- Right.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Kylie, Take That.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Take That - unfortunate name in the middle of a riot! "Take that!"
0:03:38 > 0:03:43The Home Secretary, Theresa May, wouldn't confirm the details. In a statement she said...
0:03:48 > 0:03:51That's a very similar statement to what the police put out afterwards,
0:03:51 > 0:03:54after they'd hit everyone over the head with a baton.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58Anyway, the police are in trouble, for not protecting the Royal Family.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01There was a window OPEN in the Royal car.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Well, she was having a fag!
0:04:06 > 0:04:08The Sunday Telegraph reported...
0:04:11 > 0:04:12Where should they start(?)
0:04:14 > 0:04:18The thing is, is that on the outside or the inside?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22POSH VOICE: "I say, please don't catch us!"
0:04:22 > 0:04:24According to the Times...
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Camilla was overheard to remark...
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Not what I've heard, love.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38The police commissioner said, "You should be very impressed
0:04:38 > 0:04:41"with my lads because they didn't kill anyone.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43"The showed admirable restraint.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45"They didn't kill any students at all."
0:04:45 > 0:04:47The only reason for that is she didn't look Brazilian.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49If she had...
0:04:52 > 0:04:53Oh, yeah...
0:04:53 > 0:04:58The other thing, as well, the police got in trouble. Did you see the footage on YouTube?
0:04:58 > 0:05:02Of them dragging a guy out of a wheelchair, and they were going,
0:05:02 > 0:05:04like, "Have the police gone too far?"
0:05:04 > 0:05:08The point of a wheelchair is... Someone in a wheelchair is on wheels.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10You don't need to drag them.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13They're almost designed for the job.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17They can just go, "'Scuse me, you're protesting. Move you over there."
0:05:17 > 0:05:20No kettling involved, nothing like that.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Don't drag the... You're making work for yourself!
0:05:23 > 0:05:27You're sure the film wasn't reversed? He started off walking and ended up in a wheelchair?
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Have you ever seen Susan Boyle move?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32She looks like she's on wheels.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34- She does!- Are you sure she isn't?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37She just literally... When she finished her song,
0:05:37 > 0:05:40she sort of like hovered across the stage and just went off.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- She glides, does she? - She does. She's majestic.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47We've been waiting 2,000 years for such a person.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49And it's Susan Boyle!
0:05:49 > 0:05:54Now, then. Meanwhile, this fella managed to get himself in all the papers.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56- What's his name?- Gilmour.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- Charlie Gilmour.- Charlie Gilmour. - What did he do?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01- ROSS: Oh, swinging off flags, wasn't he?- Yeah.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03- BOTH: Hanging from the Cenotaph. - Yeah.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06He had an excuse ready, of course. What did he say?
0:06:06 > 0:06:09He said he had no idea what the building was
0:06:09 > 0:06:11that he was swinging from.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Which, given that he's a history undergraduate...
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Yes. He told the Express:
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Although the Express went their own way with this picture -
0:06:19 > 0:06:21have a look down in the corner.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24LAUGHTER
0:06:25 > 0:06:29- Well, easy mistake to make. - Well, he has got long hair.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30Well, there you are.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32LAUGHTER
0:06:34 > 0:06:37He's the adopted son of the man from Pink Floyd.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41- That's right, yeah. - So it allowed people to point up that his father had said
0:06:41 > 0:06:44that generation don't need no education.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48- Always annoyed me, that. ANY education. - LAUGHTER
0:06:48 > 0:06:52Apparently the Mail on Sunday had been following him for some time.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54They'd spotted him doing what?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56On his eighth birthday, he had a packet of...
0:06:56 > 0:06:59He had a packet of jelly tots behind the airing cupboard.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03They're thorough, the Mail on Sunday.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05They'd spotted him earlier in the day:
0:07:05 > 0:07:07They went on:
0:07:15 > 0:07:17What a tit.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20LAUGHTER
0:07:20 > 0:07:25The Mail have a theory as to why the protest got so badly out of hand. They reported that:
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Is a Wilf, like, a sexy wizard?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39LAUGHTER
0:07:39 > 0:07:42APPLAUSE
0:07:45 > 0:07:48No. He's from Dresden.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51The students might have had advanced insight into police riot tactics.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Does anyone know why?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Yes.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58The police had been using students to practise
0:07:58 > 0:07:59how to control crowds
0:07:59 > 0:08:03without realising that, by showing the students how they were
0:08:03 > 0:08:06going to be controlling crowds, they were giving away the main tactic
0:08:06 > 0:08:09- on how they were controlling crowds by involving students.- Right.
0:08:09 > 0:08:14Foolishly, they used the barriers. They used the metal ones
0:08:14 > 0:08:17and they were all together whereas if they'd thought it through,
0:08:17 > 0:08:19they should have got a lot of traffic cones
0:08:19 > 0:08:23thrown them down the street and the students would have just gone..
0:08:23 > 0:08:25"I'm having that."
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Straight in. No problem at all.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31Who complained loudest this week about the police handling of the protest?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34A very loud man.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37I don't like what you're doing.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41Was it the Czechoslovakian husband-and-wife team behind Pinky and Perky?
0:08:41 > 0:08:43No, it wasn't. It was Iran.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Iran, yup - they summoned the British ambassador in Tehran, and asked him to justify:
0:08:51 > 0:08:55- LAUGHTER - You've got to love that.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58So what might we be seeing more of on the streets?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00MICKY: Water cannons.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03- Yes.- They're going to start pelting them with soap and water.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- Water cannon. - Did you say "soap and water"?
0:09:06 > 0:09:09- Soap and water! Break 'em up like that.- In icy weather,
0:09:09 > 0:09:13there's going to be solid lumps of ice shooting out the end of this.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Or a delightful snowfall.
0:09:15 > 0:09:20They'll just turn the water cannon on, lovely snow will come down,
0:09:20 > 0:09:22everyone will start waltzing.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24MICKY: What about flame-throwers?
0:09:24 > 0:09:30Flame-throwers and water cannons together seems to be... There's a clash there. Steam.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33It's kettling.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35LAUGHTER
0:09:35 > 0:09:38APPLAUSE
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Yes, so this is the...
0:09:43 > 0:09:47This is the postmortem into the attack on Charles and Camilla's car.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51According to witnesses, as the tin of paint was flung, Camilla turned white.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Well, white with a hint of apple blossom.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57One anarchist rioter pictured hanging from the Cenotaph
0:09:57 > 0:10:00turned out to be Charlie Gilmour, the son of Pink Floyd guitarist David Gilmour.
0:10:00 > 0:10:06According to The Sun, the young Cambridge student had a privileged education at:
0:10:06 > 0:10:10Well, it used to be privileged. Soon it'll be the going rate.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Ian and Ross, here's yours.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14It's Eric Pickles!
0:10:14 > 0:10:17- It's the Pickles. - Looking for Pickles.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Oh, that's Prince Wills.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21And that's... Oh, blimey.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Ed Miliband. "Thank you for coming. Who are you?"
0:10:24 > 0:10:26LAUGHTER
0:10:26 > 0:10:28- Is this all one story?- Yes.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Did the prince rescue Pickles?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Two helicopters together...
0:10:33 > 0:10:36"We're going to need a Chinook."
0:10:36 > 0:10:39It wouldn't surprise me if Pickles had a helicopter,
0:10:39 > 0:10:43- because he got rid of his Prius, didn't he?- Why?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Cos he got a Jag instead.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48He did have a walnut dash but he ate it.
0:10:51 > 0:10:52But as well as the car,
0:10:52 > 0:10:54he's Minister for Communities.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Secretary of State for Communities.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58He's actually four or five communities.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:11:01 > 0:11:03His passport's an aerial view.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05Sorry.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08I wouldn't say he's fat but his blood type's ragout.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Sorry. Carry on.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17I forgot I wasn't a 1950s American Jewish comedian.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20This is a serious story.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24He was trying to make a serious piece of legislation.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27He's saying that local government should have more power.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30They're going to have more power by being given less money.
0:11:32 > 0:11:33They're going to have huge spending cuts
0:11:33 > 0:11:37and they're going to have the power to not provide any services,
0:11:37 > 0:11:41which is a terrific advance for devolved government.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Exactly right.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44Councils throughout the country will be losing, on average,
0:11:44 > 0:11:465% of their budget.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49But according to The Times, where are the biggest cuts taking place?
0:11:49 > 0:11:51The poorer councils are going to be poorer
0:11:51 > 0:11:53and the richer councils are going to stay richer.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56So we're all in it together, proportionally.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01- Do you know any of the poor councils that are suffering?- Hackney.
0:12:01 > 0:12:02They are generally northern.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Shetland, Orkney...
0:12:06 > 0:12:07BOTH TALK AT ONCE
0:12:07 > 0:12:08I was working my way down!
0:12:17 > 0:12:19The smallest cuts taking place?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Chelsea, Mayfair, Park Lane.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22What's the other one?
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Just before "Go".
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Erm...
0:12:32 > 0:12:35At last, something to ease Wokingham's pain.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Those spending cuts are going to put people in the north out of work
0:12:38 > 0:12:41but has anyone in the Conservative Party suggested
0:12:41 > 0:12:42another alternative career for them?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Yes. Cherry picking.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Not cherry picking in a "Hey, northerners, come down
0:12:46 > 0:12:48"and take the best jobs."
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Actually picking cherries.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53- David Shakespeare.- That's the fella.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55He's the leader of Buckinghamshire Council.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57He said, "Come down south. Come to Kent. Pick the fruit.
0:12:57 > 0:13:02"There's lots of jobs being taken by Ukrainians and Somalis.
0:13:02 > 0:13:07"Why don't you northerners pop down for a couple of weeks?"
0:13:07 > 0:13:08Bring those whippets as well.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11- Is there no cherries in the north? - No.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14You don't have cherries in the north?
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Have you never heard of the cherry wars of the 1980s? Shocking.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20They're closing down the cherry yards.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21It was awful. It was awful.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24The cherry marches that descended on London.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Cherry Marches? Wasn't she a porn star? I think she was a porn star.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30What peculiar instruction has Ken Clarke given to
0:13:30 > 0:13:31prison governors this week?
0:13:31 > 0:13:35MICKY FLANAGAN: To let out prisoners more quickly.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37No, it's more peculiar than that.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41They mustn't carry out naked squat searches on transsexuals.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42For some people that IS Christmas.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Instead, they have to draw up a voluntary contract
0:13:47 > 0:13:50with them before they carry out a rub-down.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Prison officers say this will hamper their search for drugs
0:13:52 > 0:13:54and there'll be a fall in crack seizures.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02OK. Right, now. What new crime-fighting technique
0:14:02 > 0:14:05are police using in some parts of the country?
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Specially-trained psychics on horseback.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08No.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Specially-trained psychic horses on policeback.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18It's a highly sophisticated way of categorising members of the public.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Yeah. "Are you Lenny Henry or..."
0:14:21 > 0:14:23They just say, "Are you Lenny Henry?"
0:14:23 > 0:14:25There were four. There was a spectrum.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29- Lenny Henry, there was Jeremy Paxman...- Yeah.- Er...
0:14:29 > 0:14:32These are the offenders that are categorised?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34No, these are members of the public. There are only four categories.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37There's the Jeremy Paxman, an analytical person,
0:14:37 > 0:14:38who commands respect.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41There's the Madonna, who's a control freak.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44The Lorraine Kelly, an amiable person, who worries about security.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Then there's the Lenny Henry, who can't get arrested.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51MICKY FLANAGAN: I'm very unclear on this.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54As far as I can see, there are four people that carry out
0:14:54 > 0:14:57major crimes in this country - Lenny Henry, Lorraine Kelly,
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Jeremy Paxman and Madonna.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02You'd think with her money she could leave it alone.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Nipping down to Timothy Whites and stealing talcum powder.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09You know Timothy Whites stopped trading in about 1972?
0:15:10 > 0:15:13You know why? Because of people like Madonna.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16If you say this now, Alexander at the end of the programme
0:15:16 > 0:15:17will have to have a lawyer's note.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19"We would just like to stress that Madonna has never
0:15:19 > 0:15:20"gone into Timothy Whites to steal various..."
0:15:20 > 0:15:24I'll look forward to that apology later on.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Will you go to prison for it?
0:15:26 > 0:15:27Would you go to prison for that gag?
0:15:27 > 0:15:29I would for that.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32If you do, tuck your bits through say, "I'm a transsexual."
0:15:32 > 0:15:34There'll be no squatting for you.
0:15:34 > 0:15:40- They insist on being called Helen. - You could put a phone up your bum,
0:15:40 > 0:15:45- as well now. That's what they were doing.- But you can do it for Christmas as a wild trick.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- Then phone someone you don't like. - Who'd like to see a picture
0:15:48 > 0:15:50of a coalition minister enjoying himself?
0:15:50 > 0:15:54Who'd like to see a picture of a coalition minister? Eh?
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- We'd like to see one.- A coalition minister having a ball.
0:15:57 > 0:16:03- There. Vince Cable.- Yeah, he's on Strictly.- ROSS: That scumbag! - Do what?
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Politicians. No! Wrong. He looks like he can dance there.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08If politicians want to go on these sorts of shows
0:16:08 > 0:16:12and profit from some sort of career outside of politics,
0:16:12 > 0:16:16then they should have the decency to be dragged around by the hair
0:16:16 > 0:16:18like Widdecombe.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19Ann Widdecombe
0:16:19 > 0:16:22on Strictly Come Dancing. "Ooh, I'm the pantomime character."
0:16:22 > 0:16:25You're not. People are laughing at you. And I would pay good money
0:16:25 > 0:16:27not to see her just dragged around the studio.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Open the doors, just drag her out through the car park,
0:16:30 > 0:16:33down the street, put her in a skip.
0:16:33 > 0:16:38I would pay money to see the BBC Three Strictly Come Dancing Extra
0:16:38 > 0:16:42with Ann Widdecombe in a skip, struggling to get out.
0:16:42 > 0:16:47I don't want to see politicians dancing on the telly. Do your job!
0:16:47 > 0:16:51Do your bloody job or get in a skip for my entertainment.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:16:57 > 0:17:02- Who'd like to see a picture of a former prime minister enjoying himself?- No, we've seen enough.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06- There we are.- Ah, yes. - That's Blair with a Kuwaiti prince.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Giving him a huge amount of money.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11ROSS: Is he a tribute act for the artist formerly known?
0:17:11 > 0:17:14LAUGHTER
0:17:14 > 0:17:17I prefer Hawaiian Elvis but you can't have everything.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19LAUGHTER
0:17:19 > 0:17:24Yup. So Tony Blair Associates - what's been happening there?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27They're a lobbying company and organisation.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Blair now makes it his business to hire himself out all round the world
0:17:30 > 0:17:33to advise rulers on how to run their countries.
0:17:33 > 0:17:39And he's helping the Kuwaitis with their internal organisation.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41How much have Tony Blair Associates been paid?
0:17:41 > 0:17:4227 million?
0:17:42 > 0:17:46- £27 million. Yeah.- Which is hardly anything.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48As the country suffers from another round of cuts...
0:17:48 > 0:17:50- LAUGHTER - ..Tony Blair has finally...
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Uh... Sorry.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54- I'm so sorry.- Is it the...
0:17:54 > 0:17:56the words that are confusing you?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58LAUGHTER
0:17:58 > 0:18:00It's my favourite joke in the WHOLE show.
0:18:00 > 0:18:05The best joke in the show, remember that. It's the best joke.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:18:06 > 0:18:10Having run into it from before... otherwise the expectation is...
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Talk about something else. It was your Quality Street, was it? Oh.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17- Yes, it was mine.- Oh.- Did you ever see the cagoule again?
0:18:17 > 0:18:20- LAUGHTER - Never?- Never. No.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Oh, mustn't keep chatting. We must get on with the show.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26As the country suffers from another round of cuts,
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Tony Blair has finally won planning permission to build
0:18:29 > 0:18:32a luxury swimming pool in his £6 million country retreat.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36The pool's been specially designed for Mr Blair. It has two shallow ends.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:41 > 0:18:44And so to Round Two. As it's the festive season,
0:18:44 > 0:18:48let's see who or what is driving Alexander's sleigh of news.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Sleigh of news?
0:18:52 > 0:18:53BUZZER
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- Yes?- There is a major supermarket, Morrisons
0:18:56 > 0:18:58in fact, who are employing squirrels
0:18:58 > 0:19:01to choose nuts for their nut range. They pull a load of nuts out
0:19:01 > 0:19:04and whichever one the squirrel likes, they say, "That's the best nut
0:19:04 > 0:19:06"to put out on our markets this Christmas."
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Sainsbury's is doing the same thing with hippos and oven gloves.
0:19:09 > 0:19:10It's putting together...
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Animals choose. Let them choose for once, we're saying.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17- Exactly.- Ocelots and brandy butter - a whole thing they're putting together.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19That's absolutely right.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20That's William the squirrel
0:19:20 > 0:19:23who has a nice temporary job at Morrisons this Christmas.
0:19:23 > 0:19:28Couldn't they give it to a Northerner? Grey squirrels are taking all the jobs.
0:19:28 > 0:19:34He's a big fan of pecans. So they've now made it into the store's mixed nut basket.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Does it have on the packet "recommended by William"?
0:19:37 > 0:19:41- Yeah.- And a picture of him going... - Yeah.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45- ..these ones are to buy. - Have they got thumbs, squirrels?
0:19:45 > 0:19:48- Photoshop a thumb on the end of it. - LAUGHTER
0:19:48 > 0:19:51- I'm getting a bit hot in this jumper.- Are you?- Yeah.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53I've actually just slipped my trousers off.
0:19:54 > 0:19:59I hope there's not a squirrel down there.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02William isn't the only rodent making an appearance in supermarkets. Who is this?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04And what is going on here?
0:20:04 > 0:20:05MICKY: This woman
0:20:05 > 0:20:09- took a packet of crisps off of a shelf...- Mmm.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13- ..and mice fell out of it.- Ugh.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16- Little baby mice.- Baby mice. - And they all...
0:20:16 > 0:20:19fell on the floor. And she scooped them up and...
0:20:20 > 0:20:21She said, "Lovely!"
0:20:21 > 0:20:25They made her get a job at Morrisons picking out mice.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Flavoured ones.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30- She is the horrified Liz Wray. - She was only horrified
0:20:30 > 0:20:34because the supermarket had employed owls to swoop around the...
0:20:34 > 0:20:37As soon as the mice appeared... whoomph!
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Straight past her head. She got gashed by a tawny.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42She kept her head enough
0:20:42 > 0:20:44to be able to take this not very good picture of the mice
0:20:44 > 0:20:46on her mobile.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- AUDIENCE GROANS - Eugh, yeah. Six of them.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49Eugh!
0:20:49 > 0:20:51That's what they use as a deterrent.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55You know when you get a jumper or something and it's got a tag in it?
0:20:55 > 0:20:57When you buy crisps in that supermarket,
0:20:57 > 0:21:00they just swipe it in the thing, they take the dead baby mice out,
0:21:00 > 0:21:02"There you go.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05"Merry Christmas.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07"Mind that owl."
0:21:07 > 0:21:11According to Liz, Tesco staff were, of course, quick to react.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12What did they do?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Did they cut off their tails with a carving knife?
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - No, they...
0:21:22 > 0:21:24It's what they would have wanted.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31Do you know, a man in my local bank did a poo on the floor once
0:21:31 > 0:21:35and they put a bin over it and carried on serving people. That's the absolute...
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Did he say he was just making a deposit?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42APPLAUSE
0:21:42 > 0:21:43Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46SLEIGH BELLS RING
0:21:46 > 0:21:47- BUZZER - Yes?
0:21:47 > 0:21:51MICKY: This is the winner of the X Factor final.
0:21:51 > 0:21:52Do you know the X Factor?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55I'm very, very well aware of it.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57It's the one on ice.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Speaking of the X Factor, get this, right.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02I was checking out of a hotel the other day
0:22:02 > 0:22:07and this car pulls up, like a people carrier, blacked-out windows, and the fellow...
0:22:07 > 0:22:10I was trying to get my car out and I went, "Go back," like that
0:22:10 > 0:22:14and eventually I forced him to go backwards
0:22:14 > 0:22:15and then he opened the door,
0:22:15 > 0:22:19it's only them young...you know them hairless monkey singers...
0:22:19 > 0:22:21One Direction, right?
0:22:21 > 0:22:25I got One Direction to go in the other direction!
0:22:25 > 0:22:27How cool is that?!
0:22:27 > 0:22:29APPLAUSE Thank you very much!
0:22:32 > 0:22:34You're right on the X Factor thing.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36What do you think the story is though?
0:22:36 > 0:22:40He's got to be number one at Christmas. I do know this story. It's either him...
0:22:40 > 0:22:44- Is it another Facebook group? - No, it's John Cage, isn't it?
0:22:44 > 0:22:45Exactly right, yes.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49Someone is hoping to make a Christmas number one of John Cage's silent work.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Do you know what it's called?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53- 4'33"?- Exactly. That's right.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55MICKY: I've never heard it.
0:22:55 > 0:23:01Yes, the X Factor itself came to a rather sticky conclusion at the end of its run last weekend.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Why was that?
0:23:03 > 0:23:08- I think it's because the dancing on it was far too sexual and provocative.- Was it raunchy?
0:23:08 > 0:23:13- Yeah.- Thousands of complaints have been logged,
0:23:13 > 0:23:16following the raunchy performances before the watershed.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20Is that a group? The Watershed?
0:23:20 > 0:23:25- It's a Wetherspoon's in Bromley. - According to the Daily Mail -
0:23:31 > 0:23:34The Daily Mail was so disgusted by all this that they faithfully
0:23:34 > 0:23:37reproduced almost every frame,
0:23:37 > 0:23:40even enlarging some of the choicer moves.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43They ingeniously included a disclaimer, saying...
0:23:50 > 0:23:53I'll tell you what, the people complaining about it
0:23:53 > 0:23:58being too sexual have got a cheek, considering Louis Walsh essentially looks like a testicle.
0:24:00 > 0:24:01Every single week!
0:24:01 > 0:24:04He's tried to hide it by dying his hair.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08At least put yourself in some sort of gusset.
0:24:11 > 0:24:16Time for the Missing Words round which features, as its guest publication, Scottish Curler.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Scotland's international curling magazine.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22If you love curling and you're Scottish, this is the magazine for you.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Hang on, 2.95. No, it's not.
0:24:26 > 0:24:27You start with...
0:24:30 > 0:24:32It must be Pimm's o'clock.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35No...
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Are you hoping for a crate at Christmas?
0:24:42 > 0:24:43He's got a garage full of it.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45I'd shift it, it's horrible stuff, that's what you told me.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49This is a thing about 18th-century slang.
0:24:49 > 0:24:50It is, exactly.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54So is it "avant thee" or "you cream-faced loon"
0:24:54 > 0:24:56or "havet thee, cockle-head"?
0:24:57 > 0:25:00..is the answer
0:25:00 > 0:25:03This is a list of 18th-century slang.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Four of the terms from 1785 are...
0:25:16 > 0:25:20Clearly, they must have had some kind of X Factor panel then, too.
0:25:20 > 0:25:21Next...
0:25:25 > 0:25:28What you can do for curling, but what curling can do for you.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30That's exactly right.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34- Absolutely spot on. - APPLAUSE
0:25:34 > 0:25:38This is a rousing speech trying to raise funds for a new ice rink in Scotland
0:25:38 > 0:25:40at a cost of £1 million.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43A cheaper alternative would be to leave the tap on for three weeks.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Next...
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Horizontal wardrobe?
0:25:50 > 0:25:51Recycling bin.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Rolls-Royce, sir?
0:25:55 > 0:25:56It's...
0:26:00 > 0:26:04These are hand-crafted coffins made in Ghana. They come in many styles, including
0:26:04 > 0:26:05a fish,
0:26:05 > 0:26:07a golden eagle,
0:26:07 > 0:26:09and an Air Ghana jet.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14For a cheaper Air Ghana jet coffin, just fly Air Ghana.
0:26:15 > 0:26:16Next...
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Prostitution.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28Being buried alive in a premature burial.
0:26:28 > 0:26:29Swingball.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34- Is it carpet bowls?- No.- Swimming!
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Before the Ice Age happened.
0:26:37 > 0:26:38It was...
0:26:41 > 0:26:43And finally...
0:26:46 > 0:26:48You're a 51-year-old woman.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53Is it, congratulations, you're the first person to be able
0:26:53 > 0:26:56to communicate with large medical buildings?
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Is it, you're the oldest person in Scotland?
0:27:06 > 0:27:08You are a new mother.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Exactly right, yes.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15The man told the papers he was...
0:27:15 > 0:27:17I bet! He'd been so careful!
0:27:19 > 0:27:21The final scores are - Paul and Micky on 6
0:27:21 > 0:27:23but Ian and Ross on 8!
0:27:23 > 0:27:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Before we go, there's time for the caption competition.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Jedward have a haircut.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Man returns slightly faulty mirror.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46APPLAUSE
0:27:46 > 0:27:48I leave you with news that, in central London,
0:27:48 > 0:27:51as another student protest gets out of hand, a passing couple
0:27:51 > 0:27:54start to worry that their disguises might not be good enough.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Disaster strikes on Christmas Eve as a prominent figure gets trapped in a kettling operation.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11And as parts of the polar ice caps float past Scotland,
0:28:11 > 0:28:13there's a cheery wave for the residents of Aberdeen.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Good night.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22APPLAUSE
0:28:30 > 0:28:33Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:33 > 0:28:37E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk