0:00:36 > 0:00:41Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Benedict Cumberbatch.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44- I'm Miranda Hart.- I'm Lee Mack. - I'm Jo Brand.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46- I'm John Bishop.- I'm John Prescott.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50- Nice to see you, to see you... - ALL: Nice!
0:00:50 > 0:00:52- And welcome to... - LAUGHTER
0:00:52 > 0:00:58News breaks of the tragic lawnmower accident involving royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell...
0:01:01 > 0:01:07In Tokyo, inventors of the latest hi-tech toy the Kick-Bot admit it may have been a mistake
0:01:07 > 0:01:11to base the software on the England team's recent performance.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14LAUGHTER
0:01:19 > 0:01:22In the kitchen of Heston Blumenthal's restaurant,
0:01:22 > 0:01:26there is evidence that someone has ordered the slow-cooked lamb.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32- LAUGHTER - Oh, no, I don't like that.
0:01:32 > 0:01:37After analysing the first leadership debates, body language experts conclude
0:01:37 > 0:01:42that in the event of a hung parliament, Nick Clegg would dither and then join the Tories.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Ian and John, take a look at this.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57- Queues.- Yeah, people wanting to vote.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Unmanageable turnout of 65%(!)
0:02:00 > 0:02:04That's the Lib Dem votes being chucked in the river.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08Goodbye to you. Go and watch a film, one of your husband's.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11"Hello, Gordon?"
0:02:11 > 0:02:13"Piss off."
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Did you stay up for Lembit?
0:02:15 > 0:02:19- Oh...- It's the most important thing that happened in the election.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21- Because?- It was quite funny.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24LAUGHTER
0:02:26 > 0:02:29I was expecting a bit more than that.
0:02:29 > 0:02:35The great thing about losing my seat is I can take a fee for this, instead of getting this abuse for nothing.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Thank you.
0:02:43 > 0:02:48It is indeed the overwhelmingly indecisive outcome of the election.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52In fact, we only know one result for sure. Don't we, Lembit?
0:02:53 > 0:02:59Can we get on with this? I've got an appointment at the Jobcentre in about half an hour.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02They phoned earlier. They cancelled.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:07 > 0:03:14So, Paul, Ian, the old certainties are gone. It's time for unlikely alliances.
0:03:14 > 0:03:19Paul, could you ever put your bitter rivalry to one side and form a coalition with Ian?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22- Yeah, all right.- Go on then.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25APPLAUSE
0:03:28 > 0:03:30That's more like it.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39I've got a feeling you're going to win this week.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43- Can I say I've always wanted this? - Yeah.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47I've argued for it for years
0:03:47 > 0:03:53and any suggestion that I'm doing it as a matter of convenience is not true.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55I agree with Nick...Paul.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00- Absolutely. - APPLAUSE
0:04:00 > 0:04:04Do you want to do a rabble-rousing speech on behalf of our coalition?
0:04:04 > 0:04:08I think what we offer is not them, basically.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12People are sick of you coming on here, making fun of the contestants.
0:04:12 > 0:04:18Just because I'm having a hard time at the moment. Lend us the price of a cup of tea.
0:04:18 > 0:04:23I'll give it back next week. I've got my harmonica. I can play that for you. And I have.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26- I have.- I'd better find some change!
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Are we witnessing a mental breakdown?
0:04:29 > 0:04:33You do the singing and I'll do the playing.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:44 > 0:04:46- David Cameron.- Fish and chips.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- A woman.- No, not a woman. It was Duffy.
0:04:50 > 0:04:55You've got to feel for Gordon Brown. All he did was get into a car while mic'd for sound
0:04:55 > 0:05:00after speaking to one of his loyal supporters and called her a bigoted woman.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Who at some point hasn't done that when they're Prime Minister?
0:05:03 > 0:05:08There's no way during this campaign David Cameron hasn't got in his car
0:05:08 > 0:05:12after a meet and greet and gone, "What a dickhead!"
0:05:12 > 0:05:18Then he spent 40 minutes in her house saying "sorry". That's a long apology.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Are you suggesting there was something else going on?
0:05:22 > 0:05:27Maybe it was all a bit of a plan on his part - call her a bigot, pop back later.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30- SCOTTISH ACCENT: - "Sorry about that."
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Then comes out grinning.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40That's the way I read the situation politically.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45"Vote for change." They're off!
0:05:45 > 0:05:51They said, "We're going to announce the election," and then they did. It was brilliant.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54- May 6th, Tony Blair's birthday. - Something to celebrate.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58What better present than to see Gordon Brown comprehensively beaten!
0:05:58 > 0:06:03But even on the campaign trail, he's fantastically competitive.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05- What age are you?- Five.- Five?
0:06:05 > 0:06:08My son's six.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11LAUGHTER
0:06:14 > 0:06:19- Who has been roped in to support the Conservatives? - Michael Caine?- Yes, Michael Caine.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23It's Sir Michael Caine. Not to be outdone, Dave chipped in with a gag.
0:06:23 > 0:06:30- As a project, I hope that it does a bit more than just blow the bloody doors off!- Bang!
0:06:30 > 0:06:33He's on fire. "Yes, I'll take a question."
0:06:33 > 0:06:39- But apart from wheeling out the celebs, they brought out the manifestos?- Right, yes, indeed.
0:06:39 > 0:06:44- We've got a cover of the Labour manifesto.- Lovely. Who wouldn't want to live there?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47It looks like a nuclear explosion, doesn't it?
0:06:48 > 0:06:53You can imagine them going, "I remember when all this was banks."
0:06:58 > 0:07:04Goldman Sachs. They've been caught out and the Americans are charging them with fraud.
0:07:04 > 0:07:10Goldman Sachs invented a bond to sell to people which was based on sub-prime mortgages,
0:07:10 > 0:07:15so it was a pretty hopeless thing to sell to people, but they designed it to lose money
0:07:15 > 0:07:20because one of their other clients was a big hedge fund manager betting on the bond to lose,
0:07:20 > 0:07:25so Goldman Sachs were selling this bond to you, saying, "This is terrific,"
0:07:25 > 0:07:29then going to one of their clients, "Bet on this. This is rubbish."
0:07:29 > 0:07:36So Goldman Sachs proved that the entire financial collapse wasn't just an accident, it was a fraud.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Can I just interrupt at this point?
0:07:38 > 0:07:42- I should make it plain, the law being as it is...- Yes.
0:07:42 > 0:07:48- Goldman calls the charges "completely unfounded in law and fact".- What does Sachs say?
0:07:48 > 0:07:54- He completely agrees with him. - "What can you do? If you get caught, you get caught."
0:07:55 > 0:07:59I can't see any of this making it into the finished programme.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- Are you worried about libel?- Yes.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08Unlike you, I haven't ever been done for it before.
0:08:08 > 0:08:13- I think there's very little chance of you getting any more than two years.- Yeah.
0:08:13 > 0:08:19Anyway, Jeremy, backstage you were saying what a bunch of crooks Goldman Sachs were!
0:08:19 > 0:08:22You could present your programme from your cell.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26The mission could be to walk from one end to the other...
0:08:26 > 0:08:30- MIMICS JEREMY CLARKSON - ..in the shortest possible time.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:34 > 0:08:37- Students.- Before they started smashing windows.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41- Or breaking news, as it says there. - I was quite encouraged.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45- I thought, "Blimey, students, they've woken up."- Hooray!- Yeah.
0:08:45 > 0:08:50They've been told the teaching budget's been cut, they'll have to pay three times as much
0:08:50 > 0:08:56and pay it back for the rest of their lives and they're thinking, "I'm not sure I approve of that."
0:08:56 > 0:08:59A student was interviewed and said...
0:09:06 > 0:09:08LAUGHTER
0:09:11 > 0:09:15The Lib Dems were staunchly saying they wouldn't go up,
0:09:15 > 0:09:20- which is great, then they got in power and put it up.- Yeah.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25They had no idea they were going to be in power when they made these promises.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27APPLAUSE
0:09:27 > 0:09:31How does Nick Clegg look at himself in the mirror in the mornings?
0:09:31 > 0:09:34He just looks at David Cameron and sees the same thing.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38How have the French been reacting to talk of cuts?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Strikes. Riots on the streets.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Anger. "Angeur". "Angeur".
0:09:43 > 0:09:48They say it very much like that - "angeur". They can't speak English like we do.
0:09:48 > 0:09:54- I don't know why that is.- You're quite right. They have been rioting and striking at petrol refineries.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58- They love it.- They do. You can say what you like about the French...
0:09:58 > 0:10:01No, you can say what you like about the French.
0:10:01 > 0:10:07The best news to come out of France recently is that Carla Bruni was told she wasn't welcome...
0:10:07 > 0:10:13The Pope didn't want to meet her because Sarkozy, in a desperate bid to prop up his popularity ratings,
0:10:13 > 0:10:17flew off to Rome to meet the Pope and she couldn't come along.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Is she not a Catholic?
0:10:19 > 0:10:23She's a Catholic, but I think her past got in the way.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25She used to be a whore? LAUGHTER
0:10:25 > 0:10:29I don't think that remark will be going out.
0:10:29 > 0:10:34I don't know if the Pope should be worried about other people's pasts necessarily.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36APPLAUSE
0:10:40 > 0:10:45This is a volcano in Iceland and this is the emergency Cabinet thrown together.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49People were stuck abroad and there they are being stuck abroad.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53- Eyjafjallajokull is what it is. - That's very good.
0:10:53 > 0:10:59It's the name of the glacier that used to sit over the top of it, but is now all over everywhere.
0:10:59 > 0:11:04- The actual volcano, do you know what it's called?- Mr Wilson?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07The actual name is Eyja which is quite easy to say.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12It was good for six days though if you weren't travelling anywhere,
0:11:12 > 0:11:15if you were here and near an airport.
0:11:15 > 0:11:21Somebody wrote in one of the papers, "I was in Kew Gardens and I heard a bee on the other side of the river."
0:11:21 > 0:11:25Did you see that guy who wrote to The Guardian on that very subject?
0:11:25 > 0:11:30Thanks to the planes not flying, he was now able to hear the traffic on the North Circular.
0:11:31 > 0:11:38What did one American traveller say when she was told that all flights back to the States were cancelled?
0:11:38 > 0:11:43- "That's a shame." Would that have made the news? Probably not. - No, she said...
0:11:48 > 0:11:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:50 > 0:11:56What I thought was extremely funny about the whole thing was seeing the panic in the political parties
0:11:56 > 0:12:03as they realised that they're in an election and they had no official party line on volcanoes.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07And the way they all charged in.
0:12:07 > 0:12:12Gordon Brown sent a couple of warships to France which is just like a default setting.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16- When you're in trouble...- Exactly.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19And I half expected Clegg to steam in
0:12:19 > 0:12:23with a promise that the Lib Dems were going to abolish volcanoes.
0:12:23 > 0:12:28- Yeah.- They're part of the old geology. People are sick of them. - And Cameron's line?
0:12:28 > 0:12:30"I met a volcano once."
0:12:30 > 0:12:32LAUGHTER
0:12:32 > 0:12:34APPLAUSE
0:12:34 > 0:12:39The end of the flight ban is particularly good news for the Samaritans
0:12:39 > 0:12:43who have been inundated for the past six days with calls
0:12:43 > 0:12:47from distraught plane-spotters with nothing left to live for.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52Right, this is the oil leak, isn't it? There's the "black sea".
0:12:52 > 0:12:56This is BP's continual failure to stem this leak under the sea.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59With this thing called "top kill" which sounded good.
0:12:59 > 0:13:04- They chuck old golf balls and rubber tyres down this hole. - It's top technology(!)
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Do you remember the boom with the human hair on it?
0:13:07 > 0:13:12All they needed to do was get a load of middle-aged men to clear out their belly button.
0:13:12 > 0:13:17The stuff that's in the middle... That would stop anything.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Around this table, we could have stopped it. Not you, Penny.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Never. Never, never.
0:13:22 > 0:13:28Or you could get lots of really hairy men to swim through it, soaking it all up.
0:13:30 > 0:13:35And these ideas aren't that much more ludicrous than what BP's been doing.
0:13:35 > 0:13:40The next one is they're going to put a million tonnes of chips in and set fire to it.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- That's very interesting to me.- Yes.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:47 > 0:13:53This is the biggest ever American oil disaster. According to The Sun...
0:13:55 > 0:13:57And with all the appeal of Belgium.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02BP have published a list of helpful contact numbers on their website.
0:14:02 > 0:14:09You can see numbers for coastline information, wildlife distress and there's also a number labelled...
0:14:12 > 0:14:15APPLAUSE
0:14:16 > 0:14:20- Oh, America. - They've had mid-term elections.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Sarah Palin - Ian's favourite.
0:14:22 > 0:14:27There's Obama, the President. He's not doing very well at the moment.
0:14:27 > 0:14:33The American people, 1 in 4 think he's Muslim, 1 in 10 think he's a terrorist,
0:14:33 > 0:14:371 in 50 think he's a holiday they took in Mexico in 1968.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40How's Bill Clinton been helping out?
0:14:40 > 0:14:44Has he been campaigning for them? Is that why they lost so badly?
0:14:44 > 0:14:50- It's that awful moment when Neil Kinnock says, "I support you."- I did a gig for him.- You liked Clinton?
0:14:50 > 0:14:56- He seemed like a very nice man. - Did you meet him?- Once, yes. - At a concert?- No.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59He made me feel very special. LAUGHTER
0:15:03 > 0:15:07- Did you keep the dry cleaning receipt?- Yes...
0:15:08 > 0:15:13Oh, yes, this is the happy news of the miners being released,
0:15:13 > 0:15:17although viewers got fed up with the coverage. It's very similar.
0:15:17 > 0:15:23So the last 15 miners will be part of a lottery game. They'll hold up a number and if you've got it...
0:15:23 > 0:15:28- What was that? - Someone winning the lottery.
0:15:28 > 0:15:36- Do you know what the sequence of events was for each miner?- Got in, they took them out, they got out.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39LAUGHTER
0:15:39 > 0:15:43Pretty much. According to The Times:
0:15:47 > 0:15:52If you want to imagine what that's like, try the Northern Line.
0:15:52 > 0:15:59The 24 news channels have been enjoying the story, but there was a hint of running out of what to say.
0:16:00 > 0:16:05So far the only miner to emerge from the tube with a beard.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08LAUGHTER
0:16:13 > 0:16:17There is the happy man. "Oh, there he is!"
0:16:17 > 0:16:23It's the new Royal wedding for next year. To cope with the economic straits,
0:16:23 > 0:16:27it takes our minds off it to go, "Look, she looks like Diana. Look!"
0:16:27 > 0:16:31- That's what we'll do.- She's a commoner - only upper middle class.
0:16:31 > 0:16:37She'll make the Royal Family more accessible to the public. It sets a challenge for Harry
0:16:37 > 0:16:41to go and find himself a proper scumbag.
0:16:41 > 0:16:47- What was Harry's response to the engagement? - He fell into a deep, deep coma.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51- LAUGHTER - At the sheer tedium of the subject.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55"Even as a member of the Royal Family, I've had it up to here."
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Or was it up to there?
0:16:58 > 0:17:00APPLAUSE
0:17:05 > 0:17:10- BUZZ - It's people sitting outside a public library. That's all I know.- Is it?
0:17:10 > 0:17:15- This is a library in King's Lynn... - Where goblins live.- ..in Norfolk.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19And they're employing bouncers. Do we know why?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21They're throwing people in?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Knowledge!
0:17:24 > 0:17:29Nobody know? They've called bouncers in to protect the staff from:
0:17:31 > 0:17:35- Or, in other words, "children". - LAUGHTER
0:17:35 > 0:17:42- What are the adorable little tykes accused of?- They're not trying to take books out, are they?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45A county councillor says they:
0:17:46 > 0:17:49But also...
0:17:50 > 0:17:54How did the Express bring balance to this story?
0:17:54 > 0:17:56"Burn the library down!"
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Says Diana through medium. LAUGHTER
0:18:08 > 0:18:13- BELL - Yes, Ian and Clive? - I'm not sure that photo's real.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Is it the Bee Gees?
0:18:18 > 0:18:24- These are people who have been released this week.- Aung San Suu Kyi, the Burmese opposition leader.
0:18:24 > 0:18:30She's been in prison for 15 years and just been let out of house arrest
0:18:30 > 0:18:32after a non-violent protest.
0:18:32 > 0:18:39Is it Paul and Rachel? They were pottering around in their boat and were taken by Somali pirates.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43And they've been released. Somebody paid their ransom.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46The pirates were getting bored. They've held them for ages.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50The intermediary was a Somali taxi driver based in London.
0:18:50 > 0:18:56No wonder they were kept waiting. "I'll be with you in 20 minutes..."
0:18:56 > 0:19:01According to Max Clifford, the couple could make £1 million from TV interviews.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Then they WILL be worth kidnapping.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16BELL
0:19:16 > 0:19:19It's a new starter home.
0:19:19 > 0:19:24- It's a man who tried to post himself.- Yes.- Is it?- Yes, it is.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25LAUGHTER
0:19:28 > 0:19:34This is the news that a burglar has been posting himself to businesses in order to rob them.
0:19:34 > 0:19:40- Fantastic.- How does he get out with the loot?- How does he get himself delivered?
0:19:40 > 0:19:46Does he get into the box outside a post office in the hope the postman goes, "Must've missed that"?
0:19:46 > 0:19:48"That 15-stone package."
0:19:48 > 0:19:52- What ruined the plan in the end? - Wrong postage.- Yeah, not enough.
0:19:52 > 0:19:57- This isn't a British story, is it? - No, he's Polish.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Cos you'd just die in the box waiting to be sent.
0:20:01 > 0:20:08They forced him through the letterbox. Do Not Bend. It specifically said...
0:20:11 > 0:20:15Time now for the Odd One Out. Prince Philip, Florence Cameron,
0:20:15 > 0:20:21George the Blue Peter Tortoise and Swaziland's Justice Minister Ndumiso Mamba.
0:20:21 > 0:20:27- BELL - The Swaziland Justice Minister was found by his King
0:20:27 > 0:20:32in the Queen's bedroom. In a sort of drawer...
0:20:32 > 0:20:36Underneath the bed. He shouldn't have been in there.
0:20:36 > 0:20:41I think little baby Florence doesn't have a proper bed.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45- She sleeps in a box.- And the tortoise, does he sleep in a drawer?
0:20:45 > 0:20:50- A box. Cardboard box. - And Prince Philip isn't.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54Prince Philip looked like someone from the PG Tips adverts.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56LAUGHTER
0:20:58 > 0:21:03- Is it about being found in the Queen's bedroom?- No...
0:21:03 > 0:21:08- None of them have been found there?! - The Queen of Swaziland's bedroom.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12All of those people were in the Queen of Swaziland's bedroom?
0:21:12 > 0:21:18- The Swaziland element is correct, but you don't have the answer. - There's one black dude!- Yeah!
0:21:18 > 0:21:21LAUGHTER
0:21:21 > 0:21:25And he may or may not work for the Halifax Building Society.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27APPLAUSE
0:21:28 > 0:21:35Imagine if someone's watching Have I Got News For You and the Odd One Out is because he's black!
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Yes! Well, what else is there?
0:21:39 > 0:21:45They've all slept in a box, apart from Swaziland's Ndumiso Mamba,
0:21:45 > 0:21:49who was wide awake when discovered hiding in the Queen's bed.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52"Oh, man. How did I wind up in here?"
0:21:56 > 0:22:02Baby Florence Cameron slept in a cardboard box after being born early during a holiday in Cornwall.
0:22:02 > 0:22:09It was a joyful birth. When baby Florence was born, the midwife slapped David Cameron.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13- Shall we play a mini monarchy quiz? - Yes, definitely.
0:22:13 > 0:22:18- What does the Queen hate and can spot at 20 paces?- Prince Philip.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20LAUGHTER
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Clip-on bow ties.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27- What's the Queen's favourite pastime at Balmoral?- Hiding in the chimney.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Em...making blancmanges.
0:22:36 > 0:22:41Straining oxtail soup through her tights. I...
0:22:41 > 0:22:46Apparently, she enjoys... trying to catch bats...
0:22:46 > 0:22:48LAUGHTER
0:22:48 > 0:22:54Wait a minute. It gets better. ..in the Great Hall, using only a footman and a pole with a net.
0:22:54 > 0:22:59Is the footman on the end of the pole?
0:22:59 > 0:23:05And, finally, what is white and leathery and taken with Prince Charles everywhere he goes?
0:23:07 > 0:23:12- Who's going to resist it? I am. - Me, too.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15- I'm not going there.- All right.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21You can't call her that! LAUGHTER
0:23:22 > 0:23:24It's not on.
0:23:25 > 0:23:30Find The Missing Words round, which features Lower Extremity Review.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34One of the leading bottom-shelf magazines.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39- We start with, "Roomy socks..." what?- Invite lodgers?
0:23:42 > 0:23:47- Is this Wayne Roomy? - Yeah, it's a piece of graffiti.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50"Roomy socks!" The spelling in this country!
0:23:50 > 0:23:56- Kids today!- No, the answer is, "Roomy socks can be worn by anyone."
0:23:56 > 0:23:59"I used to... Not now."
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- Vote Labour.- Says Blair. - LAUGHTER
0:24:02 > 0:24:07- "I used to love politics. Not now." - Oh, Ann Widdecombe!
0:24:07 > 0:24:12- No, no...- Sorry. I've got this thing where I suddenly say her name.
0:24:12 > 0:24:17This is one of the least embarrassing times it has happened to be honest.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21It's when I get quite excited. Sorry about that, dear.
0:24:21 > 0:24:27No, this is according to Labour supporter Robert Harris whose novel The Ghost has been made into a film
0:24:27 > 0:24:34directed by Roman Polanski. It has a 15 rating, but Polanski swears it was an 18.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38- "Biscuit police..." what? - Crumble under pressure?
0:24:38 > 0:24:43- Caught hobnobbing?- Arrest disproportionate number of Bourbons.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:49 > 0:24:53The answer is "clash with 86-year-old granny".
0:24:53 > 0:25:00- Next: What "..three musical dwarves"? - Pavarotti's autopsy reveals.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
0:25:07 > 0:25:10# Three musical dwarves
0:25:11 > 0:25:15# One was four foot two One was... #
0:25:16 > 0:25:20The answer is, "Cheryl's birthday gift for Cowell."
0:25:20 > 0:25:24Next: "Prime Minister let's slip he's..."
0:25:24 > 0:25:26He's a Conservative.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30The answer is "had the snip".
0:25:30 > 0:25:36This is the Prime Minister of New Zealand who told reporters he had a...vasectenomy...
0:25:36 > 0:25:38LAUGHTER
0:25:38 > 0:25:40A vasectomy!
0:25:45 > 0:25:49You should have stood your ground and just said the snip!
0:25:49 > 0:25:57- They said that, but I thought I'd say it properly if I could. And I didn't. But that's life.- Yeah.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00- Go back again then and put snip in. - LAUGHTER
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Come on! You're being mean.
0:26:06 > 0:26:11That's a pretty small mistake in the light of the last 15 years!
0:26:12 > 0:26:16Go on, John, give it a go. Take a deep breath.
0:26:16 > 0:26:21- OK...- Think of being handed a very delicate vase, a piece of porcelain.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Vase? 'Eck! To me?
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Don't start me! I've got it!
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Vase? 'Eck! To me?
0:26:30 > 0:26:35Let me go, let me go! Are you doing the first bit first?
0:26:35 > 0:26:39First part first, second part second!
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Or every single word at once!
0:26:44 > 0:26:48- Bloody hell. Do I read that out? - Yeah, read that out.- OK.- Yeah.
0:26:48 > 0:26:54Do you want to...? For God's sake, give him some... APPLAUSE
0:26:55 > 0:27:01This is the Prime Minister of New Zealand who told reporters he'd had a snip.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03LAUGHTER
0:27:08 > 0:27:15This could be confusing. If you went to the barber and he said, "Fancy a snip behind the ear?"...
0:27:16 > 0:27:21- Before we go, the Caption Competition.- "Say yes, you bitch."
0:27:21 > 0:27:23LAUGHTER
0:27:26 > 0:27:31Is he saying, "I've got a hole in my coat pocket"?
0:27:36 > 0:27:40I leave you with news that at a conference in Tangiers,
0:27:40 > 0:27:46David Cameron suddenly remembers that the President of Morocco also went to Eton.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49LAUGHTER
0:27:49 > 0:27:56In Oxfordshire, whilst taking an early morning shower, Bill Oddie forgets to close the curtains.
0:28:00 > 0:28:04At a Labour Party coffee morning, Ed Miliband suddenly wonders
0:28:04 > 0:28:09if the good luck gift from his brother really is a fudge cake.
0:28:11 > 0:28:18From his Westminster office, Peter Mandelson activates the remote electrical device one more time.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23LAUGHTER
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Good night!
0:28:47 > 0:28:51Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:52 > 0:28:55E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk