0:00:24 > 0:00:27APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Good evening, and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42I'm Benedict Cumberbatch. In the news this week,
0:00:42 > 0:00:43to show there are no hard feelings,
0:00:43 > 0:00:47David Miliband takes his brother, Ed, for a ride in his new speedboat.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59At the Commonwealth Games, organisers gather for the closing ceremony
0:00:59 > 0:01:02and breathe a sigh of relief that nothing truly disastrous happened.
0:01:09 > 0:01:10IAN: Too soon?
0:01:11 > 0:01:16And in Tokyo, inventors of the latest hi-tech toy, the Kickbot,
0:01:16 > 0:01:21admit it may have been a mistake to base the software on the England team's recent performance.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Using techniques I learnt filming Sherlock Holmes,
0:01:33 > 0:01:35I can instantly deduce
0:01:35 > 0:01:39that the woman on Ian's team is a columnist, presenter and poker player. How, you may ask?
0:01:39 > 0:01:43Simply by looking at the card given to me by the researcher.
0:01:43 > 0:01:44It's Victoria Coren.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46APPLAUSE
0:01:50 > 0:01:57Similarly, on Paul's team, "Some comedian bloke what was good last time he was on the show."
0:01:57 > 0:02:00It's Jon Richardson.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02APPLAUSE
0:02:03 > 0:02:05And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09Paul and Jon, take a look at this.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Oh, yes, this is the ongoing story as we speak.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16The happy news of the miners being released. Although, apparently viewers are getting
0:02:16 > 0:02:19fed up with the coverage because it's all rather similar.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23So the last 15 miners are going to be part of a lottery game where they're holding up a number
0:02:23 > 0:02:27and if you've got the number at home, it's your chance to win... SHOUTING
0:02:27 > 0:02:28What was that?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Somebody winning the lottery.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34- People were gradually coming out of the mine one by one.- Yes.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38The ultimate feel-good story about the release of the trapped miners.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41And to everyone's delight, maybe except for Sky News,
0:02:41 > 0:02:45who are probably hoping for a least a couple of tragic deaths.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47The numbers are fascinating, aren't they?
0:02:47 > 0:02:51If you look at it, there are 33 of the miners, and they were released
0:02:51 > 0:02:54on the 13th of the 10th, 2010,
0:02:54 > 0:02:59which, if you take off the 2,000 and just add the 10, it adds up to 33.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02So...
0:03:02 > 0:03:06So if you're thinking of playing Chilean-miner bingo, think of that, you know?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08"Here come number 15!
0:03:08 > 0:03:12"First time this week".
0:03:12 > 0:03:16You know what the sequence of events was for each rescued miner?
0:03:16 > 0:03:20They got in the thing, and they took them out, they got out of the thing.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Pretty much. Erm...
0:03:24 > 0:03:30- but also... - Embraced their relatives, then embraced the president, then go,
0:03:30 > 0:03:35"Gracias, Chile" to the crowd, and then they got the next one up.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37You don't get long in the limelight.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Yeah. Their relatives, they went the day the thing collapsed,
0:03:40 > 0:03:43and there are some relatives there the whole time.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45And that's why they've called it "Camp Hope",
0:03:45 > 0:03:49which sounds like a rubbish name, and to think the alternative was "Mine Camp".
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Not just the relatives, don't forget, the mistresses,
0:03:59 > 0:04:01that was the big story a few weeks ago,
0:04:01 > 0:04:04that women were starting to turn up who WEREN'T the wives.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07I assume that's why the miners all came out in sunglasses.
0:04:07 > 0:04:12But I was quite impressed because I thought, I don't know what they pay miners out there...
0:04:12 > 0:04:14three dollars a month?
0:04:14 > 0:04:18And they've been able to support a wife, a family and a demanding Chilean mistress.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22Mind you, they've not spent much the last three months themselves.
0:04:22 > 0:04:27- Kept their pennies for Christmas. - They do get more attractive the longer they're down there.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31A guy proposed to his wife before this happened and she said no, then she proposed to him
0:04:31 > 0:04:35while he was trapped, which is basically her way of saying, "You know when I really fancy you?
0:04:35 > 0:04:38"When you're buried underground.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41"I'll really love you when you're dead."
0:04:41 > 0:04:45- Who's coming out of this well? - Everyone.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49It's not a well, it's a shaft.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53- Thank you very much. - We're off to a flying start.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55But the foreman's very heroic, isn't he?
0:04:55 > 0:04:59Apparently he sorted them into groups and they played dominoes and they keep fit.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02- Yeah, they kept fit. - They carried on mining as well.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06If this studio goes down, and someone said,
0:05:06 > 0:05:09"Can you just carry on doing jokes for a few months while we sort this out?"
0:05:09 > 0:05:12No.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Do we know what's going to happen to the mine shaft, talking about money
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- to be made from this? - It's being turned into a theme park.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24It'll be a fantastic ride.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- Only one way.- It's quite slow.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28The queues are horrendous.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34It's likely to stay a mine since the drilling company
0:05:34 > 0:05:39has discovered masses of reserves of gold and silver and copper during the rescue drilling.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41- The Mail, The Daily Mail... - The voice of sanity.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44The voice of sanity, yes. They've criticised the...
0:05:44 > 0:05:46"Foreigners down hole".
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Is the correct answer. 10 points.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54The Mail criticised the size of the BBC presence there.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Do you know how big it was?
0:05:57 > 0:06:02They can't find a tragedy that doesn't involve attacking the BBC.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05"End of the world. BBC tried to cover it".
0:06:05 > 0:06:09I don't know. It's a big story. I suppose the BBC sent quite a few people there.
0:06:09 > 0:06:14They're probably moaning about the number of journalists. How many? 12?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16- 25?- 25.- That's spot on. Very good.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20The 24-hour news channels have been enjoying this story, but there was
0:06:20 > 0:06:24just a hint that they might be running out of things to say. Let's have a look.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29So far the only miner to emerge from the tube...
0:06:29 > 0:06:30with a beard.
0:06:37 > 0:06:43So, this is the amazing rescue of Los 33, the 33 Chilean miners.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46One miner who may not be looking forward to returning
0:06:46 > 0:06:51to the surface is Yonni Barrios, whose wife is furious after finding out he has a mistress.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55Well, at least for the last 70 days she knows where he's been.
0:06:55 > 0:07:02According to The Times, the claustrophobic escape capsule takes 15 minutes to travel 700 metres.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05If you want to imagine what that's like, take a trip on the Northern Line.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Ian and Victoria, here are yours.
0:07:10 > 0:07:15Finishing touches. Spot the Balls. Two.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Ooh, Reservoir Postman.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Another marriage.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26Hooray! We're going to be in debt for our whole lives. Oh, good(!)
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Where do you want to start? A new Labour leader, that's very exciting.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Let's start on the new Labour leader, shall we?
0:07:31 > 0:07:35Let's look at some of the exciting faces in the new Labour cabinet, first of all.
0:07:35 > 0:07:40I'm worried about this bit. In my pre-recording anxiety dream, somebody asked me the question,
0:07:40 > 0:07:45"Which one's Yvette Cooper and which one's Theresa May?", and I woke up screaming.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- It's going to happen now, isn't it? - It is going to happen now.
0:07:48 > 0:07:49Victoria, who's this?
0:07:52 > 0:07:55- It's neither of the two people you feared it might be.- Right.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59I'll give you a clue. It's Jim Murphy is his name and defence is his game.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00That's a pretty good clue.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01It's a good clue.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04I feel I could almost make a guess after that clue.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Anybody know who this is?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09- Is that Mary Creagh?- Hooray!
0:08:09 > 0:08:12- How do you know her? - Um, I read the papers.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Oh, yeah.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18It's one of those little tricks after 300 years you pick up.
0:08:18 > 0:08:23They're all the same. Both Milibands, Clegg and Cameron, these identical...
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Imagine being at school with them. They'd all be "that guy".
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Can you imagine being at school with them, Ian?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Um...
0:08:30 > 0:08:34Some of them. Not Ed, obviously, he went to a comprehensive.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42At least when it was Kinnock and Thatcher you knew the difference.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46You can show us 18 pictures of these new cabinet ministers and shadow cabinet ones and...
0:08:46 > 0:08:48I've only got one more. Who's this?
0:08:50 > 0:08:51Phil Miliband.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59He's the even older brother.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02He was really cross when they both stood against him.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05No, this is Ivan Lewis.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Here is a familiar face.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11Is that the woman that put the cat in the bin?
0:09:13 > 0:09:18This is Gillian Duffy, the woman who Gordon Brown was overheard calling bigoted.
0:09:18 > 0:09:23She was at the Labour conference. She took the opportunity to have an in-depth discussion with Tony Benn.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24Let's see how that went.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27I've two grandchildren. I'm concerned of their future...
0:09:27 > 0:09:31'Settling in for the speech, Mrs Duffy shared her thoughts with Tony Benn.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34'Except he wasn't listening.'
0:09:38 > 0:09:40He's gone to sleep!
0:09:44 > 0:09:49That's the honest response, isn't it, to the public's opinions.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Clegg and Cameron were meant to be different -
0:09:51 > 0:09:55leaders of opposing parties and they're becoming more identical by the day.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Nick Clegg keeps saying, "It's the right government for the right time",
0:09:58 > 0:10:03which I think is a seedy way to dignify opportunism.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05He would have made a pact with the Klingons if it meant power.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09I don't know, I think the Klingon manifesto was pretty good.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11I disagree. The Klingons have shown in the past
0:10:11 > 0:10:17they they're hellbent on world domination, so I'm glad the Liberal Democrats are in there with them.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22And the Klingons always get the Lib Dems to make the policy announcements.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Absolutely.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27If they're going to blow up a whole planet, they say, "Get the Lib Dem to announce it".
0:10:27 > 0:10:30The Lib Dem party here is the equivalent of the guy on Star Trek
0:10:30 > 0:10:34on the planet whom you've never seen before. He's the first one to get killed.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36That's the Liberal Democrats in this scenario.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42New shadow cabinet. Alan Johnson, you've already mentioned, was made shadow chancellor.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45What did he say his first act was going to be?
0:10:45 > 0:10:49He said his first act was going to read up an economics primer.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51I haven't made that up.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55He's paraphrased it just very slightly, but that's pretty much exactly what he said.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Good luck, mate. Meanwhile...
0:11:03 > 0:11:05There are two schools of thought on that.
0:11:05 > 0:11:13One is it's quite embarrassing to have your major office of state given to a man who has no maths O-level
0:11:13 > 0:11:19and doesn't understand figures, but then, we did have Gordon Brown in charge, who WAS an economist,
0:11:19 > 0:11:23and was meant to be very good with figures, and we're where we are now.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24So you take your pick.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27I'll go for the postman. "The economy will recover,
0:11:27 > 0:11:30"probably not today, maybe lunch time tomorrow."
0:11:32 > 0:11:36At the Tory conference, Eric Pickles, the new Communities Secretary, was there.
0:11:36 > 0:11:41What were people betting Pickles would do at some point that week?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Get his own postal code?
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Go, "Bloody onion rings".
0:11:52 > 0:11:57It was Ladbrokes and they were offering odds on him being spotted in a curry house in Birmingham
0:11:57 > 0:11:59during the week at the conference.
0:11:59 > 0:12:05And what happened? Well, he spotted HIMSELF in a curry house
0:12:05 > 0:12:07and posted the picture on Twitter.
0:12:09 > 0:12:14Do you reckon when he goes for a curry he says to the waiter, "Can I have some poppadoms and...
0:12:14 > 0:12:16"You haven't got any Pickles, have you?"
0:12:19 > 0:12:23- Any one know the name of the curry house in question? - Edwina's Curries?
0:12:26 > 0:12:29There is a restaurant in south-east London called The Taste Of Lewisham...
0:12:32 > 0:12:35..which I'll say no more of.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36But I've never been tempted to pop in.
0:12:36 > 0:12:41There's another restaurant on the way to Stoke Newington, which has combined two words of "chicken"
0:12:41 > 0:12:47and "pizza", and they've shortened them and put them together, and the place is called Chickpizz.
0:12:47 > 0:12:53P-I double Z, Chickpizz. There's never anybody in there.
0:12:53 > 0:12:58Because no matter how drunk you are, you still think..."Chickpizz."
0:12:59 > 0:13:03But I'm sure it's lovely, in case a lawyer's watching.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06If he's not watching, I'm sure the food's awful.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- Any one want to know the answer? - Yes, we do.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16And Boris Johnson was at the conference, too.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20Let's have a look at the masterful way Boris manages to deflect Paxman's questions.
0:13:20 > 0:13:25First, by throwing in baffling classical terms, and then hijacking the camera.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29You chose this day of all days, on which so many families in this country
0:13:29 > 0:13:35are going to be losing their child benefit, to say, "Let's not be beastly to bankers."
0:13:35 > 0:13:41Well, I hesitate to accuse you of ignoratio elenchi.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45- It says up there...- For the third time in this interview...
0:13:45 > 0:13:47I mean, you are paid a very considerable sum
0:13:47 > 0:13:52by the BBC, the quantity of which we have yet to discover.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Of course, some ministers in the new government rely on more everyday terminology than Boris's.
0:14:02 > 0:14:08Here's Children's Minister Tim Loughton being asked about the child benefit cut.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12I'm very happy with the policy that George Osborne announced yesterday.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15It's tough, it's a difficult choice, but it's fair, end of.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18- So it doesn't need a review, it doesn't need anything?- End of.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22- You said we're going to see what comes along later...- End of.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26- End of. - You're going to try and....- End of.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Your career, end of.
0:14:29 > 0:14:34When I introduced him as the Children's Minister, it should have been the CHILDISH Minister.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36End of when asked about child benefit cuts.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39It's horrible when they try and talk. The worst part was Cameron
0:14:39 > 0:14:42when he was talking about the football with Merkel and he went,
0:14:42 > 0:14:46"It's just dreadful watching them slot another one past our lads."
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Eurgh!
0:14:48 > 0:14:54It's like meeting a girlfriend's dad and him lean in and go, "So, do you like bums or titties?"
0:14:57 > 0:15:01There have been two big policy rows recently, haven't there?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03- Child benefit?- Yes.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05And how to pay for higher education.
0:15:05 > 0:15:12And, in one case, you're not going to get it above a certain level, and in
0:15:12 > 0:15:17the other case, your children have to pay, so they're both solved. End of.
0:15:17 > 0:15:25- Anyway, they saved a billion pounds. - OK, and they're spending £13 billion on a fortnight of sport in 2012.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28- Yeah. Good point.- Sorry...
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Tuition fees. Raising the cap on fees could mean
0:15:35 > 0:15:38students incurring twice the debt that they currently do.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41It's not funny, but it's topical. Nick Clegg's in a pickle about this.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42It is quite funny.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44In what sense?
0:15:44 > 0:15:48Well, the Lib Dems said before the election, "Absolutely, we will not raise tuition fees.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52"We all pledge we will not raise tuition fees."
0:15:52 > 0:15:55And now, as a sign that they've become proper politicians,
0:15:55 > 0:15:59they've abandoned that pledge and increased tuition fees.
0:15:59 > 0:16:06The man they got to review university fees has been given 18 honorary doctorates.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10He's got no idea what it's like to get a degree because he keeps getting given them.
0:16:10 > 0:16:16The man they got to investigate public-finance waste, Philip Green, avoided £285 million worth of tax
0:16:16 > 0:16:19by putting all his assets in his wife's name.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23They might as well just get Karen Matthews to do an investigation
0:16:23 > 0:16:27into how families could further reach their budget in hard times.
0:16:27 > 0:16:33How can you trust a man whose tax bill is £285 million, goes "That's ridiculous, how would I pay that?"
0:16:33 > 0:16:37You pay that because you earned £1.2 billion, you fat greedy shit.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39APPLAUSE
0:16:42 > 0:16:44It's all change in British politics.
0:16:44 > 0:16:49Miliband has already appointed a radical new front-bench team. According to The Daily Telegraph...
0:16:54 > 0:16:58With the exception of Boris Johnson when his wife comes home early.
0:17:00 > 0:17:06And they promised me I wouldn't be forced into doing any painful puns in light of a recent incarnation
0:17:06 > 0:17:12of mine as Sherlock Holmes, so without any further ado, let's move on to round two. The round...
0:17:12 > 0:17:14of the Baskervilles.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Buzz when you know what the story is.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22HOWLING
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Oh, is this toilets?
0:17:26 > 0:17:31Yes, it's someone flushing my credibility down the loo.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33- Is it to do with the Commonwealth Games?- It is.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35I was nearly interested in it this time.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39You know, there was loads of scandal, and the rooms fell down,
0:17:39 > 0:17:42and there were dogs on the pitch and...
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- Did you stop watching once the sport began?- Yeah.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Originally in the village, they were worried,
0:17:48 > 0:17:52because one of the inspectors said there was excrement where it shouldn't be.
0:17:52 > 0:17:58Not a great description of your accommodation for the forthcoming weeks.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02And then the toilet thing continued in that a number of the swimmers were ill
0:18:02 > 0:18:05and had to finish swimming and then run to the toilet.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08The hundred-yard dash became the 150-yard dash.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13You know what I like? The organiser of the Commonwealth Games,
0:18:13 > 0:18:19his speech for the opening ceremony, thanked Princess Diana for going. And I thought,
0:18:19 > 0:18:23we know one thing about that man, he doesn't read the Daily Express.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27This is the Commonwealth Games, obviously, which aims to encourage
0:18:27 > 0:18:32the spread of democracy, human rights, world peace and laughing at incompetent foreigners.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34They weren't just incompetent, though, were they?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37They weren't quite so sweet when you saw the attempts
0:18:37 > 0:18:41to build the stadium on time, which involved very small children.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44They got some children to help.
0:18:44 > 0:18:49It's like Blue Peter when you send off for a badge to build guide dogs for the blind.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Were there any other problems with scoring and timekeeping?
0:18:52 > 0:18:55There were problems with scoring and timekeeping.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00One boxer was ruled out of the games because he turned up 24 hours too late.
0:19:00 > 0:19:05Somebody else was given a score of 104 in croquet, which is technically impossible.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07This is extraordinary, though.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11No one could tell 400-metres runner Tom Druce if he had qualified for the semifinals,
0:19:11 > 0:19:12so according to the Mirror...
0:19:19 > 0:19:21He did qualify, though, didn't he?
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Because that would be worse. Imagine having to phone your mum
0:19:24 > 0:19:26saying, "Did I qualify?"
0:19:26 > 0:19:27- LAUGHING:- "No!"
0:19:27 > 0:19:30According to The Sun...
0:19:33 > 0:19:37After which Prince Charles came out of the lavatory, saying...
0:19:38 > 0:19:41.."I should never have drunk that tap water."
0:19:41 > 0:19:46To boost audiences, the organisers gave out thousands of free tickets to primary-school children
0:19:46 > 0:19:50which, sadly, they couldn't use as most of them couldn't get the time off work.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58HOWLING
0:20:00 > 0:20:02This is the "Kim Jool-Ing",
0:20:02 > 0:20:05whatever his name is, that's his son there
0:20:05 > 0:20:07who he's had sewn on to his lapel.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10They sat in the Korean town square
0:20:10 > 0:20:15and watched these idiots parading up and down with their boots...
0:20:15 > 0:20:19Identical marching and stuff. Just a ludicrous display of conformity.
0:20:19 > 0:20:24Yes, is pretty much what this is about. Let's just get the North Korean names straight. Who's this?
0:20:25 > 0:20:29That's Kim Il-Sung, the previous dictator.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31That's Kim Jong-Il...
0:20:31 > 0:20:36looking a little bit lonely...
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Now for his son, Kim Jong-Un.
0:20:42 > 0:20:47He looks like he might bring hope and optimism to a beleaguered nation.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51So who's this, then?
0:20:51 > 0:20:53It's not Danny Dyer.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- Is that the other son? - It is the other son.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Kim Jong-Nam.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02He's not got the job as next dictator.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04- He's given to the other son. - Do you know why?
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- Because the father didn't like him. - Do you know why?
0:21:07 > 0:21:08Was it the hat?
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Is it because of the small lamp shade tied to his index finger?
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Because, a lot of fathers, that will put them right off you.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21"Hello, Daddy".
0:21:21 > 0:21:25He wanted to visit Disneyland Tokyo.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- Aww.- And there's another older brother, too.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Kim Jong-Chul. Why is he not going to take over?
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Is he dead?
0:21:33 > 0:21:35No, he's said to be...
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Do we have a picture of him so we may judge this man?
0:21:39 > 0:21:44No, sadly not, but if you imagine the one with the lamp shade on the finger in a dress that might do it.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52- Come back, come back.- Sorry. - Come back.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55I was right over the border then.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57In more ways than one.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01So, Kim Jong-Un has got the North Korean nod.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- Should we have a look at him strutting his stuff?- Go on.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05Here he is.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11He's getting a lick on.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15Is that the best we've got of him, walking from one bit to another bit, and that's it?
0:22:15 > 0:22:19No one had heard of him until his father wheeled him out and said, "This is your new leader.
0:22:19 > 0:22:25"I'm feeling a bit peaky." And he made him a four-star general one day and said the next day, "That's it.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29- "He's going to take over".- How long has he been a public figure? - This week?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31- Almost. Two weeks.- Two weeks?
0:22:31 > 0:22:35- Yeah.- It's like the Milibands. You'd never heard of them, had you?
0:22:35 > 0:22:39His only chance... I mean, I know heaven really isn't here on Earth,
0:22:39 > 0:22:42but can we possibly see that man crossing the car park one more time?
0:22:42 > 0:22:44There's something so funny about it.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48I'm sure it will occur to us one day what it is.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Put the Benny Hill music on it.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52We can do that bit ourselves.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55When he comes on, go... Go!
0:22:55 > 0:22:58PAUL HUMS BENNY HILL TUNE
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Where's the nurse in the suspenders?
0:23:07 > 0:23:11So, ITV had a man in the field there,
0:23:11 > 0:23:15and the intrepid reporter attempted to assess the relative popularity of the Kims.
0:23:15 > 0:23:16Let's have a look how he did it.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20There are no opinion polls in this country of dictators,
0:23:20 > 0:23:28but I did get a chance to carry out and EXTREMELY unscientific measure of the young general's popularity.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32Well, let's see how popular the new leader will be.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Kim Jong-Sung.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Kim Jong-Il.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Kim Jong-Un.
0:23:43 > 0:23:44Much more popular.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52At least they applauded, though. It looked like they were excited.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56Can you imagine taking a group of British people and going, "David Cameron".
0:23:57 > 0:23:59- "Nick Clegg". - BRIEF APPLAUSE
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Ooh!
0:24:01 > 0:24:04He actually is Nick Clegg.
0:24:04 > 0:24:09This is the unveiling of Kim Jong-Un as successor to Kim Jong-Il.
0:24:09 > 0:24:14Chief of the North Korean army Ri Yong-Ho, had a message for the nation saying...
0:24:24 > 0:24:28Adding, "LOL, smiley face, kiss, kiss."
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Time now for the missing words round, which this week
0:24:32 > 0:24:38features as its guest publication, the Pipe Club Of Norfolk newsletter.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41I'd hate you to think the Pipe Club Of Norfolk is nothing more than a
0:24:41 > 0:24:45bunch of rustic yokels with ruddy faces puffing away on silly-looking pipes,
0:24:45 > 0:24:46but it is.
0:24:48 > 0:24:49And we start with...
0:24:54 > 0:24:57I do anything for love, but I don't do that.
0:25:00 > 0:25:05I do occasionally use the first person pronoun instead of the normal "one",
0:25:05 > 0:25:07but I don't like it.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11I do reign, but I don't rule.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Constitutional joke.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Glad you're with me there.
0:25:17 > 0:25:23No, the answer is, "I do get bored, but I don't let on".
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Well, she just has.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29She did. At a recent state banquet, Nicolas Sarkozy asked the Queen if she ever got bored.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32The Queen replied, "Yes, but I don't let on."
0:25:32 > 0:25:34She then yawned and fell asleep in her soup.
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Next...
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Treble 18, single eleven, double top.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48Ended with multiple injuries due to difficulty of throwing darts
0:25:48 > 0:25:50in a smoky room.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53They have to smoke outside, apparently.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00They don't have to throw the darts through the window, do they?
0:26:00 > 0:26:06Ended with no harm done by a group of eccentric, but essentially quite pleasant people.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Ended with disappointment as nobody remembered to bring the board.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18That is a proper headline.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21You'd expect complimentary sandwiches, too, would be welcome.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24"Hello, how did you do?
0:26:24 > 0:26:26"Did you win? I'm made of cheese."
0:26:29 > 0:26:33The darts tournament was won by Len, who celebrated the only way pipe smokers know how,
0:26:33 > 0:26:36with a damn good shag.
0:26:37 > 0:26:38Next...
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Huge mirror in the sky.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Was it going to be disastrous drop in pipe sales?
0:26:50 > 0:26:52It is something do with pipes.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Plastic pipes. Cardboard pipes.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58- Similar.- Cardboard pipes?!
0:26:58 > 0:26:59They're cheap and dangerous.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01That's a design flaw.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04It's like having fireworks that fit in your trousers.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06I got that.
0:27:16 > 0:27:17So, next...
0:27:21 > 0:27:23The wife.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29Is this a footballer? Is it hookers is bad...?
0:27:36 > 0:27:40This is a woman who shops so much at IKEA that her marriage has collapsed.
0:27:43 > 0:27:51So the final scores are, Ian and Victoria, five, and Paul and Jon, six.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Boo.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59And I leave you with news that at a London sperm clinic,
0:27:59 > 0:28:02another delivery is safely handed over by the star donor.
0:28:06 > 0:28:11In Chile, at a slightly smaller mining disaster, the rescue operation is not quite so hi tech.
0:28:14 > 0:28:18And in London, a clear-the-air meeting begins to falter
0:28:18 > 0:28:23as the debate turns once again to who broke the plastic horse in Buckaroo?
0:28:31 > 0:28:32Good night.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:59 > 0:29:03E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk