0:00:29 > 0:00:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44I'm Frank Skinner. In the news this week - after finishing
0:00:44 > 0:00:46the first gig of their comeback tour,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49there's a worrying sight backstage for the Cheeky Girls.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00In a deprived area of Detroit, a baby receives the news that
0:01:00 > 0:01:04his biological father is multi-millionaire, Tiger Woods.
0:01:14 > 0:01:19And at home in Hull, a nostalgic John Prescott gets out the scrapbook
0:01:19 > 0:01:21and relives some happy memories.
0:01:29 > 0:01:34On Ian Hislop's team is someone who was recently seen on television walking all over England.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38No, it's not the German football team, it's Janet Street-Porter.
0:01:38 > 0:01:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:43 > 0:01:47And with Paul Merton tonight is an American comedian who says he
0:01:47 > 0:01:51likes working in the UK because it's much harder to offend the audience.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54What, these ugly bastards?
0:01:54 > 0:01:55LAUGHTER
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Oh, you're right. Please welcome Reginald D Hunter.
0:01:58 > 0:01:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:03 > 0:02:05And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Ian and Janet, take a look at this.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- It's Osborne's hammer.- Yep.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13And Danny Alexander in slow motion.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Deliberately giving us a leak.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Yeah, telling us half a million to be unemployed.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20- Good news.- There were so many leaks about...
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Look, there's the entire Air Force.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Has it got an aircraft carrier to land on?
0:02:25 > 0:02:28No, it's going to dive bomb it. "Hello, sir.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30"Would you like to walk the plank?"
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Oh, God, is that the Army?
0:02:32 > 0:02:35It's a minister looking a bit of a prat.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39It's Dr Fox and they haven't given him a parachute.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42I'm really confused about the Comprehensive Spending Review,
0:02:42 > 0:02:45because now I've got to be older to be a pensioner.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46I am a pensioner already,
0:02:46 > 0:02:51but now pensions are going to go up and up, so you've got to be 66.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Yeah, we're not going to pay your pension now. Look at you!
0:02:56 > 0:02:59- There's years of life in you yet. - Yeah, there is, actually.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02I listened to George Osborne today going on and on and on
0:03:02 > 0:03:04about all the things that pensioners have still got.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08We've still got our bus passes, we've still got our eye tests,
0:03:08 > 0:03:14- we've still got our free prescriptions. - You've still got your teeth.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16APPLAUSE
0:03:16 > 0:03:22Ian, I've still got 90% of my IQ, because I read in the Daily Mail
0:03:22 > 0:03:25or something last week that if you walk nine miles a week,
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Alzheimer's is still on the horizon.
0:03:27 > 0:03:32Yeah, but if you read the Daily Mail, your IQ plummets.
0:03:32 > 0:03:37Anyway, the rich are going to be absolutely cash-strapped by this.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39So if you've got any sympathy left,
0:03:39 > 0:03:43it's for David and George,
0:03:43 > 0:03:46because we're all in it together.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Except them.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50- It is pretty savage.- Hm.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53And we haven't got any armed forces any more.
0:03:53 > 0:03:58Unbelievable feats of logic. We are building two aircraft carriers that everyone agrees we don't need.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01They can't have aircraft on them because they haven't got any aircraft.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02Helicopters can land on them, though.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Yeah, but not now because they haven't been built yet.
0:04:05 > 0:04:10We're scrapping the aircraft carrier we have, and the only reason we're building the aircraft carriers
0:04:10 > 0:04:12is because the contract has been signed already.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16We've spent billions of pounds on these ships that nobody wants,
0:04:16 > 0:04:18so we've got to build them anyway.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Don't be picky.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24It's a bloody big thing to build with nothing to go on it, isn't it?
0:04:24 > 0:04:28Can't they use it for housing now they're cancelling all the social housing?
0:04:28 > 0:04:31What, social housing floating about the Gulf?
0:04:31 > 0:04:35If you don't pay your rent they shoot you out of a torpedo tube.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Zoom!
0:04:38 > 0:04:42- Did you say a prison? - Yeah.- That would be a great idea, a floating prison.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45- I thought we had had floating prisons.- Yeah, we had.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47We had great big hulks in the Thames.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Full of ASBOs.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53People tried to tunnel their way out, didn't they? It was terrible.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Terrible business.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57It's been rather sad for the Prince of Wales.
0:04:57 > 0:05:03He's finally got a boat named after him and they're going to scrap it.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06You also have to think too, if you're the leader of the British government,
0:05:06 > 0:05:09you're going around with other leaders around the world
0:05:09 > 0:05:11and they've got new aircraft carriers.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15How does it look if you're out there and you've got this old aircraft carrier?
0:05:15 > 0:05:17I mean, they won't say nothing,
0:05:17 > 0:05:20but you know they're thinking it, you know?
0:05:20 > 0:05:23APPLAUSE
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Other countries will be able to use these.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29- The French are going to use them. - Really?- Yeah.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33That'll be handy for landing in England.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37Yeah, it could be just like a bridge, they could just walk across.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39"They're going to be adapted to their..."
0:05:41 > 0:05:46- What, bigger kitchens and swanky chefs?- Yeah.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47Less showers.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52- Fewer showers. Honestly! - Oh sorry, fewer showers.
0:05:54 > 0:05:59If there's one thing I hate it's ungrammatical racism.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Helicopters can land on water anyway.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- Can't they just have those floats on the bottom?- I've seen those.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07That's much cheaper than building two aircraft carriers, surely.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Last time I went on a helicopter was...
0:06:10 > 0:06:13The point of landing on a ship is you get refuelled.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17What was it about the last helicopter trip that you said you'd better not say?
0:06:17 > 0:06:23- It sounded quite interesting.- All right. I went horseracing and my hat was too big to get in the helicopter.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27- How did the horse get on?- I had a row with a mouthy pilot who said,
0:06:27 > 0:06:29"You're a safety hazard with that hat on."
0:06:29 > 0:06:32I went, "All right. I'm not taking it off.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34"I'll sit with my head sideways."
0:06:36 > 0:06:37I nearly got an neck injury.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41All the way from Battersea to Ascot like that.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Well, we're all in it together now, Janet.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48I think you've lost a bit of pension-based sympathy with that story.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51"My helicopter trip to Ascot".
0:06:51 > 0:06:55- That was ten years ago.- Did you use your Freedom Pass on it?
0:06:55 > 0:07:00- I wasn't a pensioner ten years ago, Frank.- I never thought that.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01- I can't believe...- I'm not that old.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04It's hard to believe you're a pensioner now.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Yeah, unlike Cliff Richard, I haven't got a crepey neck either.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:07:08 > 0:07:12No, don't tell me there are some Cliff fans in the audience!
0:07:12 > 0:07:16They're like the plague - they're everywhere you go.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19It was all very well you attacking the Government over spending cuts,
0:07:19 > 0:07:21but not Cliff Richard.
0:07:21 > 0:07:26To be fair, I think she's attacking the fans who she has described as "like the plague".
0:07:28 > 0:07:33Which major international figure offered support for the Government's efforts to cut the deficit?
0:07:33 > 0:07:36- Oh, was it Arnold Schwarzenegger? - It was Arnold Schwarzenegger.
0:07:36 > 0:07:41I've got a picture of me sitting, when I was several stone lighter,
0:07:41 > 0:07:43on Arnold Schwarzenegger's arm.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46REG: What the hell are you talking about?
0:07:46 > 0:07:50- JANET: It's just that I know Arnold. - She was sitting on his arm.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54I was sitting on his arm, he's doing that bicep-y thing. And I'm poised.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58I thought you meant it was a ventriloquist act.
0:07:58 > 0:08:03Do you know what Cameron's joke was on the steps of Downing Street
0:08:03 > 0:08:06- about Arnie's visit? - Did he say, "I'll be back"?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Incredibly, he didn't. You would have put money on it, wouldn't you?
0:08:09 > 0:08:12- What did he say?- He said -
0:08:14 > 0:08:15AUDIENCE GROANS
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Come on.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21According to the Telegraph, Arnold said...
0:08:26 > 0:08:32So the intelligence services are getting £1 billion more. Why?
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- To combat cyber terrorism. - Yes, cyber terrorism.
0:08:35 > 0:08:41That's just another euphemism for spying on us morning, noon and night, because now they're going to track
0:08:41 > 0:08:44every time we log on to websites and every time we Google.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46- Are they?- Yes, yes, yes.- Oh, dear!
0:08:46 > 0:08:48They're calling it cyber terrorism.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52We thought we managed to get ID cards binned.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54They're back another way.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57REG: They came back bigger, badder, meaner, stronger.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59I am with you on this, Street-Porter.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02You're like a hero to me. Street-Porter!
0:09:02 > 0:09:04JANET: Don't get carried away.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06REG: Yes, ma'am.
0:09:06 > 0:09:13Would you like the rest of us just to subtly leave? Let the two of you just, you know...
0:09:13 > 0:09:17So this week the BBC News decided to take to the streets
0:09:17 > 0:09:19to ask people where they thought the axe should fall.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23So let's have a look at the Great British public in action.
0:09:23 > 0:09:28We set up shop to find out what kind of savings people might be prepared to make.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32- Could you do with a fortnightly bin collection?- No.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Could you do with fewer street lights at night?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37- No.- Could you do with fewer libraries?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39No.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- Quangos are being slashed. - What's a quango?
0:09:45 > 0:09:48It's a cross between a tango and a croissant.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Sounds all right.
0:09:51 > 0:09:56- I remember Johnny Kwango, the wrestler. Do you remember him?- Oh yeah, he was very good, wasn't he?
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Yeah, he was in an automobile accident and couldn't get an erection after.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04I don't think it's one of the holds in professional wrestling, so...
0:10:05 > 0:10:09- Not a legal hold anyway.- No, no.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13- He ended up with a half-nelson. - Really?
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Well, there's one quango that did go which I, personally,
0:10:17 > 0:10:19will miss quite a lot. That is the...
0:10:25 > 0:10:28I don't think a quango is what you think it is.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31No.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35How have the French been reacting to talk of cuts?
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Strikes, riots on the streets.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Anger. "Angeur. Angeur."
0:10:40 > 0:10:43They say the word anger very much like that. "Angeur".
0:10:43 > 0:10:45They can't speak English like we do.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51You're quite right, though, they have been rioting and striking at petrol refineries.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55- They love it.- They do. You can say what you like about the French.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56No, you can say what you like.
0:10:58 > 0:11:03There was a group of schoolchildren on the streets campaigning against an increased pension age.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06I mean, that's forward-looking for you.
0:11:06 > 0:11:13The best news to come out of France recently is that Carla Bruni was told she wasn't welcome.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16The Pope didn't want to meet her, because Sarkozy, in a desperate bid
0:11:16 > 0:11:20to prop up his popularity ratings, flew off to Rome to meet the Pope
0:11:20 > 0:11:22and she wasn't allowed to come along.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Is she not a Catholic?
0:11:24 > 0:11:28She's a Catholic but I think her past got in the way.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32REG: She used to be a ho.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34JANET: I don't think remark will be going out.
0:11:34 > 0:11:39I don't know if the Pope should be worried about other people's pasts, necessarily.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42APPLAUSE
0:11:44 > 0:11:49And in the middle of their financial crisis, what's German Chancellor, Angela Merkel, been saying?
0:11:49 > 0:11:52"Multiculturalism doesn't work," is what she says.
0:11:52 > 0:11:58- But, you know, Germany kind of felt like that back in the Thirties and Forties, didn't it?- Yeah.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01- That's not like a new thing for Germany?- No.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05We can't even get all mad with them. "Yeah, we kind of knew y'all felt like that."
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Just to put the icing on the cake,
0:12:08 > 0:12:11when she said it, she said it to...
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Yes, this is the long-awaited Government Spending Review.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19After announcing the defence cuts,
0:12:19 > 0:12:22David Cameron rang the White House and made it clear that...
0:12:26 > 0:12:29To which the receptionist replied, "Thanks for the message.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31"And how are you spelling Cameron?"
0:12:32 > 0:12:35The Government has postponed the scrapping of our secret
0:12:35 > 0:12:38nuclear submarine, Trident, as no one knows where it is.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45- Reg and Paul, hears yours. - Ah, finally.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51This is Mr Wayne Rooney, currently in trouble with his club, Manchester United.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53There's Alex Ferguson there.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56- That's the World Cup. - That was the World Cup?- Yeah.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00And... I'm not sure what that's meant to symbolise.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Yes, there's two stories going on here, I think.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06That's Wayne Rooney now to avoid press attention.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09They've spotted him on a holiday in New Zealand.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Wayne Rooney wants to leave Manchester United.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Have you been following this at all? Do you follow football?
0:13:14 > 0:13:17I think Wayne Rooney's wife wants to leave Manchester.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21That's what I think. I just think that, you know, when she walks around,
0:13:21 > 0:13:26she'll get people she don't even know coming up to her, giving her advice about her life.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29I think she probably thinks, "They won't talk to me like this in Spain."
0:13:29 > 0:13:34Well, there is the trouble if he gets... You know, Spain...
0:13:34 > 0:13:37He's not really very good at English particularly,
0:13:37 > 0:13:39so Spanish is going to be a bit of a problem.
0:13:39 > 0:13:44He doesn't know the Spanish for, "Is it extra if you keep your teeth in?" So we don't know.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47We just don't know.
0:13:47 > 0:13:53American Fox Sports Network was one of the first to report that Rooney would be leaving his current club.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57It said... The headline -
0:14:01 > 0:14:06I'm not sure they quite got the significance of the colloquialism.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14- I have to admit, it don't sound like a real swear word to us.- No?
0:14:14 > 0:14:20And even when y'all do swear, y'all make swear words sound more classy.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24Like "ass". We say "ass" and y'all say "arse".
0:14:24 > 0:14:29It sounds like you're asking someone across the table to pass over some special sauce.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31"Can I have a piece of that arse?"
0:14:35 > 0:14:40What are the possible reasons for the big fall-out between Alex Ferguson and Wayne Rooney?
0:14:40 > 0:14:45I thought he asked for a lot more money and then he was told, "You can't have more money."
0:14:45 > 0:14:49- So he's going somewhere else. - The big argument was that Rooney contradicted Alex Ferguson
0:14:49 > 0:14:54over the state of his ankle, something you should never do, according to the Mirror.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56It said -
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Sir Alex is a bad dude, ain't he?
0:15:02 > 0:15:07Wayne also apparently thinks that Manchester United are in decline. Do you know what he said?
0:15:07 > 0:15:11IN THICK LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT: Er, Manchester United in decline.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20He said...
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Let's have a look at Wayne Rooney being booed off,
0:15:26 > 0:15:28after the Algerian World Cup game.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33Nice to see home fans booing you, that's what I call loyal supporters.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36What he actually said there was, "It's nice to see the home fans booing you,
0:15:36 > 0:15:38"that's what I call loyal supporters."
0:15:38 > 0:15:40So, this is a bloke, Wayne Rooney,
0:15:40 > 0:15:43who's cheated on his own wife several times with whores, right?
0:15:43 > 0:15:47Who now wants to leave one of the world's great football clubs for money.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51And he's saying that the England fans, right, who have suffered,
0:15:51 > 0:15:53who have taken years of misery,
0:15:53 > 0:15:58and still turn up at games, he is giving us a lecture on loyalty?
0:15:58 > 0:16:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Hey, Frank, take a minute.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08I'll be all right in a minute.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12- OK, and, I'm back on. - You back, man?
0:16:12 > 0:16:16So what's the big international football scandal of the week?
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Oh, yes, there was a couple of members of FIFA
0:16:19 > 0:16:22who wanted to accept bribes in order to influence their vote
0:16:22 > 0:16:27- on who would host the World Cup in...2018, I think it is.- Mm-hm.
0:16:27 > 0:16:32So, more problems for FIFA President Sepp Blatter, on top of this other humiliation.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38LAUGHTER
0:16:40 > 0:16:44- Get up laughing. That's the only way you can come back from something like that.- Yeah.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48- Or continually do it all night and pretend it's... - It's the thing you do.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51- I just do this, I just do this, argh! - Exactly.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54I like the idea that he could have turned that round.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Come back up and go, "Ah-ha!"
0:16:57 > 0:17:04- What did we learn about one of Chelsea's footballers this week? - He was born in England?
0:17:04 > 0:17:08- Don't be ridiculous. - It's about Vanessa...?
0:17:08 > 0:17:13- It is.- About Vanessa Perroncel who gave an interview to the Today programme
0:17:13 > 0:17:17about how she'd never had a physical relationship with John Terry.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- Do you want see the apologies from the tabloids?- Yeah.
0:17:37 > 0:17:42Vanessa was helped by Max Clifford... media guru, we call him.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Here's a shot of them at their...
0:17:44 > 0:17:48I have to say, I am absolutely loving Max's jacket.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53It looks a bit road men, doesn't it?
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Well, if you look closely, he's got all the fabrics.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- There's like...knitted collar and sleeves.- Yeah.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03Then he's got a leather quilted chest panel.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06And then some suede frontage.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10- REG: Great. - Are you some sort of girly man?
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Yes, it's been another turbulent week in the world of football.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22FIFA was in shock after it was alleged by the Sunday Times
0:18:22 > 0:18:29that officials took bribes for World Cup votes. One accused of bribery was Mr Amos Adamu from Nigeria,
0:18:29 > 0:18:31who claimed it was for his country.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35If he wants money for his country, he should go through the usual channels -
0:18:35 > 0:18:40send out a load of bogus e-mails saying he's just come into a fortune, etc, etc.
0:18:41 > 0:18:47There was an important High Court decision regarding the ownership of Liverpool FC this week.
0:18:47 > 0:18:52Hundreds of Liverpool fans turned up at the High Court to see Liverpool win an historic victory.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Well, where else are they going to go?
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Some of the fan's drove down to the High Court,
0:18:58 > 0:19:00but most of them caught the regular shuttle bus.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05John Henry, the owner of the Boston Red Sox,
0:19:05 > 0:19:08said he felt an immediate affinity with his adopted city
0:19:08 > 0:19:13when he found out how many people in Liverpool own a baseball bat.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17And so to round 2, the picture spin quiz.
0:19:17 > 0:19:18Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24BUZZER
0:19:24 > 0:19:29- It's Nigella Lawson standing next to an oven...- Oh, I know. Her oven blew up.
0:19:29 > 0:19:34- We can say that from the picture! It's not really specialist knowledge.- Yes.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Yes, she had a dinner party with quite a famous guest.
0:19:37 > 0:19:43This was in a period of the late '80s, early '90s, when this guest was particularly sought after.
0:19:43 > 0:19:48- Ah, Salman Rushdie.- Yes. - And her oven exploded.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51- And loads of security men arrived, millions of them.- That is correct.
0:19:51 > 0:19:57And, as you say, seven secret servicemen. Oh, it's like round the ragged rat the ragged...
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Seven secret servicemen supped soup from the Serpentine.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07That's the first thing I've said all night that they've liked.
0:20:07 > 0:20:12It's the first thing you've said that came close to making sense, really.
0:20:13 > 0:20:19- Does Nigella deserve the domestic goddess label? According to her?- No.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Can we define once and for all what a domestic goddess is?
0:20:22 > 0:20:26It's someone who is extremely competent with all things in the home.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30- Yeah.- What was the Jerry Hall thing? A whore in the bedroom...- Ohh.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Jerry Hall...
0:20:32 > 0:20:34LAUGHTER
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Can we have a Jerry-Hall-free show?
0:20:37 > 0:20:39No.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43Up till 30 seconds ago, we were doing very well.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44Now it seems to be impossible.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51You should've mentioned it earlier. We'd have been all right, then.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53You've got to be warned about these things.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56To be fair, most shows do fall into that category.
0:20:56 > 0:21:01She's been everywhere flogging her paintings, and now she's flogging her coffee-table book.
0:21:01 > 0:21:06- Who?- Jerry Hall.- I thought you didn't want to talk about her!
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Oh sorry.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12- Can I tell you about Nigella not being a domestic goddess?- Yes.
0:21:12 > 0:21:18She stood up at a literary festival and said, "I'm a slut at home. I'm useless at all the domestic chores."
0:21:18 > 0:21:22But she's had enough. She's saying, "I'm not a domestic goddess. Do not worship me."
0:21:22 > 0:21:26I'd love to be worshipped, I can't see anything wrong in that.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28You should hang out with gay men.
0:21:28 > 0:21:33They're always good when they come round and rearrange your cushions and everything.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Well, I've heard some terms for it!
0:21:43 > 0:21:48I'll be impressed if you get this. How does Nigella know when her cheesecake is done?
0:21:48 > 0:21:52Does the producer say, "It's done now, Nigella"(?)
0:21:52 > 0:21:55She knows it's done when there's...
0:22:00 > 0:22:05- You don't want your inner thigh to be wibbling. My thighs are like nut-crackers.- How do you know?
0:22:05 > 0:22:10Because I was president of the Ramblers, and I'm walking nine miles a week at the moment.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11What a waste of a bus pass that is.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20BELL
0:22:20 > 0:22:24Yeah, this is the new installation in the Turbine Hall at Tate Modern.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27And, at huge cost,
0:22:27 > 0:22:31the entire floor was covered in tiny porcelain seeds,
0:22:31 > 0:22:38and in exactly 24 hours, after the thing had been opened for the public to mingle with the porcelain seeds,
0:22:38 > 0:22:41it was closed, as a health hazard.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46So, you can look at it but you can't actually touch it.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50It's interactive art, but you've got to stand behind a rope.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Do you know what the health hazard was?
0:22:53 > 0:22:58The porcelain seeds gave off a fine dust, which they said might trigger off an asthma attack.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02- Does anyone know the name of the artist?- I think he's Ai We-Wo.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06- Ai Weiwei he's called.- Yeah. I knew that. Yeah.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09There he is, with a handful of his seed.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13He did the Bird's Nest stadium in Beijing, which is an incredible thing.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15JANET: Better than our one.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18The stadium looks like something from IKEA, compared to that.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Ai Weiwei versus IKEA - that's a story!
0:23:23 > 0:23:25APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:23:25 > 0:23:30Ai Weiwei also staged an exhibition in Shanghai called (BLEEP) Off.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34How were attendance figures?
0:23:37 > 0:23:40- It was generally shunned.- Was it?
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Yes, it's the exhibit at the Tate Modern that has been closed
0:23:43 > 0:23:46amid fears that exposure to dust from it can damage your health.
0:23:46 > 0:23:51The sunflower seeds were made by 1,600 porcelain workers in the city of Jingdezhen.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53According to the Independent...
0:23:56 > 0:24:00..which, amusingly, were also made by Chinese slave labour.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06According to the Times art critic, the exhibit makes you ask yourself big questions, such as:
0:24:15 > 0:24:17And why am I coughing up blood?
0:24:21 > 0:24:25Time now for the missing words round, which this week features
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Lower Extremity Review.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33One of the leading bottom-shelf magazines!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35And we start with...
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Invite lodgers?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Fill up your shoes.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Roomy socks fill up your shoes?!
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Even for a foot magazine, that's a poor headline, isn't it?
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Is this Wayne Roomey?
0:24:51 > 0:24:54It's a piece of graffiti - "Roomey socks".
0:24:54 > 0:24:59- That's what's happened to spelling in this country.- It's today.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01The answer is...
0:25:03 > 0:25:06This is an advert from Lower Extremity Review for roomy socks.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09They are American-made and come in four sizes -
0:25:09 > 0:25:13large, extra-large, massive and Channel Five documentary.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14Next...
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Plums.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22- Nearly.- JANET: Damsons.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24It's actually...
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Not that nearly.
0:25:30 > 0:25:35Graham Tranter of Bridgnorth has grown a cabbage that weighs 70lb.
0:25:35 > 0:25:40This exceeds the recommended daily intake of cabbage by 70lb.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Next...
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Swarm over Ann Widdecombe.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Desperate for her flesh.
0:25:53 > 0:25:58REG: Go to Ibiza. Prefer roomy socks.
0:26:00 > 0:26:04- Is it, go on the web? - Oh, don't be ridiculous!
0:26:04 > 0:26:05It's...
0:26:08 > 0:26:09Next...
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Really big feet.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- You're in the right ball park now. - Huge shins.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Huge shins!
0:26:19 > 0:26:21It's...
0:26:22 > 0:26:28This is an article written by the editor of Lower Extremity Review, Jordana Foster, who says,
0:26:28 > 0:26:31"As entertaining as it may be to debate the merits of flip-flops..."
0:26:31 > 0:26:33That's enough of that!
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Next...
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Sir Alex Ferguson's nose, for breach of copyright.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46It's actually...
0:26:46 > 0:26:49This is the council worker dressed up as a tomato
0:26:49 > 0:26:51who was injured when the Lord Mayor of Belfast
0:26:51 > 0:26:54tried to jump over her.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57It's probably a Protestant thing, isn't it?
0:27:01 > 0:27:03..Dear Doctor...
0:27:03 > 0:27:06It does sound like a condition, someone would say,
0:27:06 > 0:27:09"Oh, man, I think I've got a cluffy wedge."
0:27:11 > 0:27:13I don't think you are going to get it. It's...
0:27:20 > 0:27:21- We were close.- Yeah.
0:27:21 > 0:27:27This is from Lower Extremity Review, which I think has dumbed down quite a lot recently.
0:27:27 > 0:27:33So, the final scores - Ian and Janet have 7 points, Paul and Reg have 2.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35APPLAUSE
0:27:39 > 0:27:43On which note, we say thank you to our panellists Ian Hislop and Janet Street-Porter.
0:27:43 > 0:27:49Paul Merton and Reginald D Hunter. And I leave you with news that, at a conference in Tangiers,
0:27:49 > 0:27:54David Cameron suddenly remembers that the President of Morocco also went to Eton.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02As filming begins on the new Winnie the Pooh movie,
0:28:02 > 0:28:06one of the stars complains to his agent about having to work in damp conditions.
0:28:09 > 0:28:13And at a Labour Party coffee morning, Ed Miliband suddenly wonders
0:28:13 > 0:28:16if the good-luck gift from his brother really is a fudge cake.
0:28:20 > 0:28:21Good night!
0:28:47 > 0:28:51Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:51 > 0:28:55E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk