0:00:37 > 0:00:39Good evening, and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42I'm John Bishop. In the news this week,
0:00:42 > 0:00:44after putting his political ambitions on hold,
0:00:44 > 0:00:48David Miliband has said he's happy to pursue other interests
0:00:48 > 0:00:50outside of politics.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58During the recording of the Kazakhstan TV's version of Dragons' Den
0:00:58 > 0:01:01there were very few takers for the automatic clothes dryer.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14And after a breathless meeting in Paris,
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Carla Bruni spots what happened to the raisin
0:01:17 > 0:01:20that she accidentally spat out from her French pastry.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30There WAS something quite nice about that.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34On my right is a comedian and writer who one reviewer described
0:01:34 > 0:01:38as like an aged grandparent, an old, stuffy traditionalist
0:01:38 > 0:01:42bemused and angered in equal measure by the state of modern society.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46- And joining Ian is Miles Jupp. - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:52 > 0:01:55With Paul Merton tonight is an actor and performer
0:01:55 > 0:01:56who first came to notice
0:01:56 > 0:01:59when performing at the Edinburgh Festival in 1976,
0:01:59 > 0:02:02where his show faced stiff competition for audiences
0:02:02 > 0:02:05from both the other shows that were on that year.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- Please welcome Andy Hamilton. - APPLAUSE
0:02:08 > 0:02:11I'm not really an actor.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:02:13 > 0:02:17We start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Ian and Miles, take a look at this.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Oh, it's GDP! It's up 0.8%.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Oh, look, it's the West Wing.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Oh, no, it isn't.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28- Ah, a tea dance. Now, that IS reassuring.- It is.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32And there's the leader of the Tea Dance Party.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Or is that Iain Duncan Smith?
0:02:34 > 0:02:35Oh, leaders smoking.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Macmillan, Wilson...
0:02:38 > 0:02:40- Erm...who's that? - LAUGHTER
0:02:40 > 0:02:44Erm... There's a whole load of stories there.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Which do you want first? The good news - we're not in recession.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49The bad news - Clegg smokes.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53Well...do you think we're in recession or not in recession?
0:02:53 > 0:02:58Because what's been said is that this 0.8% really doesn't count
0:02:58 > 0:03:00because it's not even a number.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02LAUGHTER
0:03:02 > 0:03:05I haven't really noticed the recession.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09On that side of the panel I don't suppose you have, no.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13What, is it tough your way, is it, John?!
0:03:13 > 0:03:16LAUGHTER
0:03:16 > 0:03:18It is technically very good news.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21We were 1.2% last quarter
0:03:21 > 0:03:24and this is a stonking 0.4% decrease.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26So, that's very good.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27- ..Yeah, yeah.- You see?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30You can see people's unrivalled joy(!)
0:03:30 > 0:03:34Not only have we got this huge growth rate
0:03:34 > 0:03:37but the ratings agency have changed our rating.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40So, Britain is no longer "basket case"
0:03:40 > 0:03:43and we've moved up to "not as bad as Greece".
0:03:43 > 0:03:48Which is a pretty high rating nowadays.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Particularly those people who've been on holiday in Greece
0:03:51 > 0:03:54and have had to wipe their bottoms and put it in a bin.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56That's wrong and they're above us.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Has anyone ever had that experience on a Greek holiday?
0:03:59 > 0:04:05Don't go to Greece! They don't show you that bit in Mamma Mia, I tell you!
0:04:05 > 0:04:08But how reliable are these figures?
0:04:08 > 0:04:11It's a measure of GDP, which is manufacturing.
0:04:11 > 0:04:17- And what's manufacturing nowadays...? - Manufacturing figures, mostly. - Right.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21Is a TV show manu...? Is the X Factor manufacturing?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23It's definitely manufactur-ED!
0:04:23 > 0:04:27- But is it manufacturing? - Are you suggesting it's rigged in some way?
0:04:29 > 0:04:30LAUGHTER
0:04:30 > 0:04:33He's the editor of Private Eye - he doesn't get out.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35I'm not suggesting anything, Ian.
0:04:35 > 0:04:40- That's entirely your interpretation of...- Oh, good.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42- All right...- Good legal out there!
0:04:42 > 0:04:46Now it looks like, Ian, you're going to prison now!
0:04:46 > 0:04:48You've got to come back with something now.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52Wouldn't you love it if the editor of Private Eye was sent to prison,
0:04:52 > 0:04:55as now you've got to be really bad to go to prison.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58They'll put you in with murderers, and say, "What did you do?"
0:04:58 > 0:05:01"I said something a little bit slanderous.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04"I accused X Factor of being rigged."
0:05:04 > 0:05:08No, I asked. It's very, very different. Um...!
0:05:11 > 0:05:14I'll say it's rigged, if that helps.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16- Absolutely.- OK.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18- I'll say it's rigged as well.- Yeah.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22That bloke in the audience, he told me he KNOWS it's rigged.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26And not only is it rigged, it's shit!
0:05:26 > 0:05:28APPLAUSE
0:05:31 > 0:05:33After last week's doom and gloom,
0:05:33 > 0:05:36the Government is trying to remain a little bit upbeat,
0:05:36 > 0:05:40and David Cameron went to the CBI.
0:05:40 > 0:05:41He said he wants to:
0:05:45 > 0:05:46- Could happen.- Yeah, could happen.
0:05:46 > 0:05:51Which means the country needs entrepreneurs and inventors in order to move on
0:05:51 > 0:05:55with its next level of development, which, Miles, you'll appreciate.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Or should I say, Archie The Inventor?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Take a box and some yoghurt pot tops.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Hey, it's a car.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07# Inventing with Archie is never a bore
0:06:07 > 0:06:09# Come on, let's make some more
0:06:09 > 0:06:12# Build a rocket from a squidgy bottle
0:06:12 > 0:06:14# And stick on bits of junk
0:06:17 > 0:06:21# Here's a crazy clip-clop puppet Dancing to the honky-tonk. #
0:06:21 > 0:06:24APPLAUSE
0:06:27 > 0:06:30- Great.- Don't they use that to bring people out of comas?
0:06:31 > 0:06:36I thought being on Have I Got News For You would be a real chance to lay to rest Balamory, but...
0:06:36 > 0:06:40I've prepared stuff about the news and everything.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Don't worry, we've got Andy's first porn clip coming up.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Yeah, it's coming back to me now.
0:06:54 > 0:07:00What was the signs this week that despite the hard times, Cameron and Clegg have a lot in common?
0:07:00 > 0:07:03- They've both been on Desert Island Discs...- Mmm.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Clegg chose lots of songs he claims he hated before the election.
0:07:06 > 0:07:12What was interesting. According to The Express their musical choices on Desert Island Discs
0:07:12 > 0:07:14complement each other perfectly.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18The only group they agreed upon was Radiohead.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22- That just doesn't cheer you up.- No, you're absolutely right. Radiohead!
0:07:22 > 0:07:26Ian thinks you're referring to Lord Reith.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31The most miserable band in the world.
0:07:31 > 0:07:37- I've actually heard the Radiohead and they are pretty gloomy.- Are they?
0:07:37 > 0:07:42I think in this whole situation you've got to accept it's been tactically
0:07:42 > 0:07:44brilliantly played by Cameron.
0:07:44 > 0:07:49- What he's doing is he's using the Lib-Dems as a human shield.- Yeah.
0:07:49 > 0:07:54That's what you're looking at. It's not a coalition, it's a hostage situation.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Ah, but they both smoke, like all the leaders in the film clip.
0:08:00 > 0:08:05It was a luxury item. He said smoking was his luxury thing would be to have some cigarettes.
0:08:05 > 0:08:10But that's not really a luxury item. They're available in the majority if convenience stores.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Newsnight investigated whether we as a nation
0:08:15 > 0:08:19accurately care the fact that Nick Clegg is a smoker.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- Nick Clegg smokes.- I don't know. - He does.
0:08:22 > 0:08:23Do you care?
0:08:23 > 0:08:25No, no, I don't care.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28What's the question exactly?
0:08:28 > 0:08:32Is there political significance to the fact that Nick Clegg smokes?
0:08:32 > 0:08:35I don't understand. You speak too quickly for me.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- Nick Clegg smokes.- Nick Clegg smokes. Smokes!
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Mr Clegg, he smokes.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43- Yes, I don't know.- He does.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46- Do you care?- No, I don't care.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47No, I don't care.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56Cameron's given up smoking, Clegg still smokes.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Gives Cameron a huge political advantage
0:08:58 > 0:09:01because sooner or later, there'll be a Cabinet meeting
0:09:01 > 0:09:04and Clegg'll be dying to nip out for a fag...
0:09:04 > 0:09:09He'll come back and Cameron will have abolished income tax
0:09:09 > 0:09:11and brought back hanging.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17Why did Iain Duncan Smith annoy some people this week?
0:09:17 > 0:09:20He said you should get on a bus and go and look for work
0:09:20 > 0:09:23which has echoes of what Norman Tebbit said.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27If you get on a bus you do often see adverts for jobs
0:09:27 > 0:09:29but they're normally to drive a bus.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33So it's a very narrow field of work he's suggesting people go for.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37Tebbit said get on a bike and look for work.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40He's saying get on a bus which suggests the subtext is either,
0:09:40 > 0:09:45public transport has increased in terms of quality since Tebbit was saying that
0:09:45 > 0:09:50or it's a tacit acknowledgement that there aren't enough cycle lanes for job seekers.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55What he said was -
0:10:06 > 0:10:10He does have an impressive knowledge of the times and distances of the bus service
0:10:10 > 0:10:14in the South Wales area for which he deserves more credit than we're giving him.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Peter Mandelson is back in the news. Does anyone know why?
0:10:17 > 0:10:21Is it his film? A film about him. It's called The Real Prime Minister.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- Was he the real Prime Minister? - That's the humble title of the film.
0:10:24 > 0:10:29You know the radio presenter Stuart Maconie? He told me this fantastic story.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33He met Mandelson. They were chatting away and Mandelson said,
0:10:33 > 0:10:36"Oh, my media image is a bit absurd.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39"Me as this great Prince of Darkness they call me.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42"This Machiavellian figure. It's ridiculous."
0:10:42 > 0:10:46He said that Mandelson's phone rang. And he, "Excuse me a moment."
0:10:46 > 0:10:48He turned away and heard Mandelson say,
0:10:48 > 0:10:50"This must be suppressed."
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Cherie Blair's back in the news. Does anyone know why?
0:10:58 > 0:11:02It's because she appeared in Private Eye. She was caught
0:11:02 > 0:11:05selling Tony Blair's signature on eBay.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Oh, no! Really?
0:11:07 > 0:11:10It's all a misunderstanding and she wasn't doing it to make money.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14She was doing it to stop people cashing in on Tony Blair...
0:11:14 > 0:11:16cos that's her job.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19She's also been selling lots of Tony's stuff,
0:11:19 > 0:11:24which in most relationships would be a bad sign I think.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27On eBay she posted
0:11:27 > 0:11:31a watch that Berlusconi gave to Tony Blair.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35Can you imagine how tasteful a watch that Berlusconi had...?
0:11:35 > 0:11:39Hands that grope the numbers as they go round.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42You never could quite see what the second hand is doing.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Tells you the time that Berlusconi should be doing.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52It's the continuing fallout from the Spending Review.
0:11:52 > 0:11:57The Government has announced that pensions will rise to £140 a week,
0:11:57 > 0:12:01which means in years to come, retired people will have a bit more money
0:12:01 > 0:12:02to pay off their student loans.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06To raise money,
0:12:06 > 0:12:11David Cameron is planning to convert Number 10's gift shop into a public business,
0:12:11 > 0:12:13with such merchandise and items as...
0:12:15 > 0:12:17..or the Nick Clegg as it's known.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20Paul and Andy, here's yours.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Oh, right, it's a submarine.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24There's the... Oh, er...
0:12:24 > 0:12:27This is the ancient spell of how to get the submarine
0:12:27 > 0:12:28off the bottom of the sea.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32- World Hernia Championships.- Yep.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35So this is the submarine, which hit the sandbank
0:12:35 > 0:12:37and is now up and about... Well, not up and about,
0:12:37 > 0:12:41but is now sailing safely through the rest of the sea, having got off the sandbank.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44It was near Scotland, so you've got Scottish people.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Our question was quicker than theirs!
0:12:47 > 0:12:51The important thing about that submarine is that it's new,
0:12:51 > 0:12:53- it's a stealth submarine. - That's right.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Nobody is supposed to know...
0:12:55 > 0:12:58where it is.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02Well, the captain's supposed to know where it is, isn't he? Ideally.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03But other than that, nobody else.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07It is true that it's apparently got these rubberised tiles,
0:13:07 > 0:13:09so that it makes it a stealth submarine.
0:13:09 > 0:13:10Can anyone spot...?
0:13:10 > 0:13:12It is one of those special submarines.
0:13:12 > 0:13:17It doesn't need to be in water, it can go as far as Wolverhampton, can't it?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20It is quite amusing that it's called HMS Astute.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Who is naming our warships these days?
0:13:24 > 0:13:28So you decide you'll name them after adjectives, fair enough.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31- So you go for HMS Intrepid, or HMS... - HMS Obsolete!
0:13:33 > 0:13:38HMS Astute and its sister-ship HMS Shrewd.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43- HMS Canny.- HMS Coquettish.- Yeah.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46And HMS Aground.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53- There have been various theories as to why it's run aground.- Too new.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56It was too new, the controls were still swathed in bubble wrap.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00The water was too shallow, wasn't it?
0:14:00 > 0:14:03APPLAUSE
0:14:03 > 0:14:04I think. I think.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08- Factually correct, to be fair. - Sandbanks move, don't they?
0:14:08 > 0:14:12- They sort of move in the tide, so maybe they didn't have up-to-date maps.- Apparently, yeah.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14The maps said, "Here be dragons."
0:14:14 > 0:14:20Apparently The Mail said it was to do with the fact that they were using old charts.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24I mean, I know there's been spending cuts, but you'd think...
0:14:24 > 0:14:26You could have got a Tom Tom really.
0:14:26 > 0:14:31- How on earth can you use old charts? - Imagine how irritating a sat-nav in that submarine would have been.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34"You are on a sandbank."
0:14:36 > 0:14:37But one of the tabloids
0:14:37 > 0:14:43actually tracked down an expert on submarine design...
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Thanks, Prof(!)
0:14:54 > 0:14:58But there is a feature of this particular submarine's design that's quite unique.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Does anyone know what it is?
0:15:00 > 0:15:01- Wheels?- No.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05Wey-hey! I can see the inventor in you!
0:15:11 > 0:15:13- It doesn't have a periscope. - Exactly.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16That's a pretty useless sub, isn't it?
0:15:16 > 0:15:19What do they do all day, if they can't say, "Up periscope?"
0:15:19 > 0:15:24But it also might explain why it ran into a sandbank.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28So it's been a week of military incompetence,
0:15:28 > 0:15:31culminating in the British nuclear submarine HMS Astute
0:15:31 > 0:15:34running aground just off a Scottish island.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38HMS Astute is designed to be at sea ten months of the year
0:15:38 > 0:15:40and is kitted out accordingly.
0:15:40 > 0:15:41According to The Daily Mirror -
0:15:48 > 0:15:50At least for a couple of weeks, that's true.
0:15:51 > 0:15:58Meanwhile, the Afghan President has admitted receiving bags of cash from the other rogue nuclear state, Iran.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00It's now emerged that last year
0:16:00 > 0:16:05the Iranian Ambassador gave President Karzai a gift of £600,000 in cash,
0:16:05 > 0:16:07whilst, not wanting to be outdone,
0:16:07 > 0:16:11the British Ambassador gave him a family-sized box of Ferrero Rocher.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15And so to Round Two, the picture-spin quiz.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Buzz in when you know the story.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24BELL RINGS
0:16:24 > 0:16:26The Crown Estates own a lot of the coastal waters
0:16:26 > 0:16:30and they're getting a big grant to put wind farms in them,
0:16:30 > 0:16:35so the Royal Family are becoming richer as part of the Comprehensive Spending Review.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37You may like that or not.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40It's a touch unfair in the circumstances,
0:16:40 > 0:16:41but tough.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43How mental is that?
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- The Crown Estate owns all of the seabed...- The Royal Family?!
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Owning parts of Britain?!
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Now the sea as well.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52How long has this been going on for?
0:16:52 > 0:16:56ANDY: I think Charles has put her up there, on that photo.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58He's getting desperate.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01He said, "You're not coming down till you abdicate."
0:17:02 > 0:17:07MILES: He hates wind farms, doesn't he? Charles. He thinks they're a blot on the landscape.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11The royals are, ironically, going to profit from things that stand there not doing a great deal.
0:17:11 > 0:17:12So wind farm and...
0:17:12 > 0:17:14LAUGHTER
0:17:14 > 0:17:18For the purposes of compliance, we should tell the viewers that that is a trick photo.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20She's actually on the one at the back.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Apart from Prince Charles, who is a big fan of wind?
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Is it Prince Charles?
0:17:27 > 0:17:32- I said apart from him.- Oh well.- I would hazard a guess it's not him.
0:17:32 > 0:17:37Sorry, I find it very difficult to know what you're saying if it's not on the auto cue.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:44 > 0:17:47That's completely unfair. You have a beautiful voice.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50I know what I sound like. I'm all right, I can live with it.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53I've heard my own answer machine and thought "Who's that knob head?"
0:17:53 > 0:17:57Well, it's David Cameron. He's said:
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Which is apparently his name for Eric Pickles.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06LAUGHTER
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14BELL
0:18:14 > 0:18:18MILES: It's about 0.8 of an octopus.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20I don't know if you're a numbers man.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22LAUGHTER
0:18:22 > 0:18:23That is...
0:18:23 > 0:18:27- He was called Paul, well, he still is...- He's called the late Paul.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30He had incredible foresight.
0:18:30 > 0:18:35Even by the standards of an octopus. And...
0:18:36 > 0:18:42He was offered two boxes of mussels, and each one had a country's national flag on it.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44And he chose seven consecutive German results.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47MILES: And now he's got one wrong and he's been killed.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49LAUGHTER
0:18:49 > 0:18:51You know what them Germans are like.
0:18:56 > 0:19:01There is somebody who found him a little bit offensive, to say the least.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- Oh, yes! Mahmoud Ahmadinejad... - Yeah.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07..got really cross with an octopus!
0:19:07 > 0:19:11He did, he said the revelations that the octopus was predicting matches showed,
0:19:14 > 0:19:18LAUGHTER
0:19:18 > 0:19:20ANDY: But do you know, in a way, he's right.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22LAUGHTER
0:19:22 > 0:19:24I'm now going to cheer everyone up.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Across the pond has been the traditional,
0:19:26 > 0:19:31annual, dog dressing up for Halloween costume parade.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34LAUGHTER
0:19:36 > 0:19:39I'm confused, which one's the pet?
0:19:39 > 0:19:43Is it the crocodile with a dog shoved in its mouth?
0:19:43 > 0:19:46LAUGHTER
0:19:48 > 0:19:49I must say, I find that amusing.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52LAUGHTER
0:19:55 > 0:19:59That's become the product of an ill mind now, hasn't it?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Time now for the odd one out round.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03Christine O'Donnell.
0:20:03 > 0:20:04Paul Daniels.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08Fiona Robertson from the tourist attraction Wookey Hole.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10And Tulisa from N-Dubz.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11BUZZER
0:20:11 > 0:20:15Christine O'Donnell, she's part of the Tea Party movement in America.
0:20:15 > 0:20:20She's claimed on some TV station about 20 years ago that she was part of a...she wasn't actually a witch,
0:20:20 > 0:20:24but she knew people involved in witchcraft. That made me think it must be about witchcraft.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26She is playing a witch,
0:20:26 > 0:20:30because in Wookey Hole they have an actress pretending to be a witch,
0:20:30 > 0:20:33because a witch supposedly lived in Wookey Hole.
0:20:33 > 0:20:38And N-Dubz are a very well known London grime band.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:41 > 0:20:43HE MOUTHS
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Who told you that?
0:20:47 > 0:20:51I think there may be some suggestion of witchcraft there.
0:20:51 > 0:20:56So we're going for Christine O'Donnell because she's denying being a witch.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58- Paul Daniels has claimed he's a witch?- Yeah.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01OK, the logic's breaking down here.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- Tell us, Miles, please. - Maybe Paul Daniels...
0:21:05 > 0:21:09- Why?- He hasn't claimed he's a witch, he's claimed he's a magician.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- That should be the right answer. - It is.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14APPLAUSE
0:21:17 > 0:21:20It is true, Paul Daniels has never claimed he was a witch,
0:21:20 > 0:21:24although in the 80s, he was famous for a spell.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25LAUGHTER
0:21:25 > 0:21:29The Republican candidate, Christine O'Donnell, in a video that emerged from her past, said,
0:21:39 > 0:21:41I think we've all had dates like that.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45How did she distance herself from this quote?
0:21:45 > 0:21:50- She did an advert that began with the words, "I am not a witch."- Spot on.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51I'm not a witch.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54I'm nothing you've heard.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57I'm you.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01Is that the most crazy political broadcast you've ever seen?
0:22:01 > 0:22:03You've got to feel sorry for Obama.
0:22:03 > 0:22:09How do you govern a country that seems to decide that facts are the work of the devil?
0:22:09 > 0:22:13What's their definition, the Tea Party, the Republican Tea Party
0:22:13 > 0:22:16as opposed to the main Republican Party?
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Well, the Republican Party is very, very right wing.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21And the Tea Party are mad.
0:22:21 > 0:22:22LAUGHTER
0:22:23 > 0:22:28If you talk to Tea Party supporters, they all believe different things. The only thing they believe
0:22:28 > 0:22:31is that they're claiming America back.
0:22:31 > 0:22:32- But they don't know who from.- No.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35- From the voices in their head.- Yeah.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37She has a lot of crazy opinions.
0:22:37 > 0:22:42These groups admitted that the report that said, "Hey, yay, we cloned a monkey,"
0:22:42 > 0:22:45now are using this to start cloning humans.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49Let them admit anything they want, they wont do that here in the United States
0:22:49 > 0:22:51unless all craziness is gone.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53They are doing that here in the United States.
0:22:53 > 0:22:59American scientific companies are crossbreeding humans and animals
0:22:59 > 0:23:04and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06LAUGHTER
0:23:06 > 0:23:10And I want their votes! LAUGHTER
0:23:10 > 0:23:12I say, any chance of letting me out of this cage?
0:23:12 > 0:23:16- Must it be cheese every Tuesday? - LAUGHTER
0:23:18 > 0:23:20I'm voting Democrat, myself.
0:23:20 > 0:23:25- But then I have got a human brain. - LAUGHTER
0:23:25 > 0:23:27So the N-Dubz singer Tulisa has also said
0:23:27 > 0:23:32she's dealt with witchcraft. You know N-Dubz? No...
0:23:32 > 0:23:35No, no, very keen.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39- Are you an N-Dubz fan? Name an N-Dubz track.- Well...
0:23:39 > 0:23:44Let's All Get Sex Up That Bitch? LAUGHTER
0:23:45 > 0:23:50To be fair, that was the Cruft's national theme tune
0:23:50 > 0:23:52for quite some time.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55You've probably not heard of that one, it's a B side.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- Can you sing it for us? - Yeah, let's have a tune.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03# Oh, let's all...
0:24:03 > 0:24:04LAUGHTER
0:24:04 > 0:24:07# Oh, let's all get sex up that bitch...
0:24:07 > 0:24:11# She's a slag... # I don't know, it sort of goes round and round.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Did you sing that to the tune of a hymn?
0:24:14 > 0:24:17LAUGHTER
0:24:17 > 0:24:20You're going to hell.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23The other person in the picture was Fiona Robertson,
0:24:23 > 0:24:25the witch from Wooky Hole.
0:24:25 > 0:24:31She actually skived off work and when she said she was actually ill
0:24:31 > 0:24:35she turned up on X Factor dressed as a witch.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40After her appearance, the Wooky Hole Witch revealed...
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Coincidence? Yeah.
0:24:49 > 0:24:50LAUGHTER
0:24:50 > 0:24:52And now the Missing Word round,
0:24:52 > 0:24:55which this week features the guest publication...
0:24:56 > 0:25:01The award winning magazine celebrating Lancashire and Yorkshire
0:25:01 > 0:25:04and all their brilliant fights.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06LAUGHTER
0:25:06 > 0:25:08We start with...
0:25:08 > 0:25:13Lancashire! The North. Warrington, Wigan. I'm going to do all the northern towns.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16You're getting close. It is a place in the North.
0:25:16 > 0:25:17Islington!
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Carlisle. LAUGHTER
0:25:20 > 0:25:23APPLAUSE
0:25:23 > 0:25:26For those living inside the M25, that's really funny.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30Outside the M25, he may as well have said Narnia.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31LAUGHTER
0:25:31 > 0:25:33It's actually...
0:25:34 > 0:25:39Among the wonders of the Yorkshire town of Skipton is a shop that sells
0:25:39 > 0:25:42LAUGHTER
0:25:42 > 0:25:47Next, what... Says Woman Declared Dead?
0:25:47 > 0:25:51- I demand a second opinion! - LAUGHTER
0:25:51 > 0:25:52Surprise!
0:25:52 > 0:25:55LAUGHTER
0:25:55 > 0:25:58- She said, "I've had a nice sleep." - That's exactly it.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04The Daily Telegraph described the confusion.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12As he removed several items from eBay.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14LAUGHTER
0:26:14 > 0:26:18Uncle concerned about his girds told to what?
0:26:18 > 0:26:21- Stop making up words that don't exist. - LAUGHTER
0:26:21 > 0:26:26Just make up words. Uncle concerned about his girds told to nebber a nobber a noober.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29LAUGHTER
0:26:29 > 0:26:32It's the month.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Ignore the misprint in the newspaper headline.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38LAUGHTER
0:26:43 > 0:26:45LAUGHTER
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Is this from the Northern Magazine?
0:26:47 > 0:26:49It is from the Northern Magazine.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Men with lots of what are not as sexy?
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Er, testicles.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59LAUGHTER
0:26:59 > 0:27:03I don't know why I said that, it was a strange image that popped into my head.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07It was better out than in, to coin a phrase.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10- Whippets.- It's a football story.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13It's actually "sisters". This is a study
0:27:13 > 0:27:17that found that male rats with more sisters attracted fewer mates.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19The study was carried out by...
0:27:23 > 0:27:28He's got a PhD in watching rats shag.
0:27:28 > 0:27:29LAUGHTER
0:27:29 > 0:27:31And so to the final scores, which are...
0:27:31 > 0:27:36Paul and Andy have five, but Ian and Miles win cos they've scored six.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39APPLAUSE
0:27:42 > 0:27:46And I leave you with news that in the wake of the Spending Review,
0:27:46 > 0:27:50Michael Gove unveils the new state-of-the-art defence system.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53LAUGHTER
0:27:53 > 0:27:58And London rehearsals begin for Labour's production of Gone With The Wind.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01LAUGHTER
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Where is Ed Miliband's right hand?
0:28:04 > 0:28:06LAUGHTER
0:28:06 > 0:28:09And on Westminster's first ever dress down Friday
0:28:09 > 0:28:13Boris Johnson's casual look is trumped by Vince Cable.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17LAUGHTER
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Good night!
0:28:19 > 0:28:22APPLAUSE
0:28:48 > 0:28:50Subtitles by RED BEE MEDIA LTD
0:28:50 > 0:28:53E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk