0:00:30 > 0:00:32APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Chris Addison.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44After accidentally spilling soup over the Director General,
0:00:44 > 0:00:50political editor Nick Robinson fears he may have slipped down the pecking order for big investigations.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Who designed the Angel of the North?
0:00:57 > 0:00:59APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:06At an IT conference one expert can't help noticing the guest speaker is using a limited edition, hi-def
0:01:06 > 0:01:09app on the Smart Tablet with micro-channel architecture
0:01:09 > 0:01:11and cross-network management protocol.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25And at a house in Wisconsin there's evidence that the higher quality of
0:01:25 > 0:01:28food available to rats is improving their brain power.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49With Paul Merton is the BBC's Political Editor who once responded to a jibe
0:01:49 > 0:01:52about his bald head from George Bush
0:01:52 > 0:01:54by saying, "I didn't know you cared."
0:01:54 > 0:01:56To which Bush replied, "I don't."
0:01:56 > 0:02:02Please welcome the only person ever to be outsmarted by George W Bush -
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Nick Robinson.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06APPLAUSE
0:02:10 > 0:02:13With Ian Hislop a musician and former soldier
0:02:13 > 0:02:16who entertains the troops in Afghanistan saying,
0:02:16 > 0:02:19"I'll sing the Taliban into surrendering."
0:02:19 > 0:02:23After the defence cuts he's all we've got.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Please welcome James Blunt.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:02:29 > 0:02:31And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Ian and James, Here's yours.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36That's l'entente cordiale.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Here is who's signing it.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Sarkozy doesn't believe a word of it.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42They're French, aren't they?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44I was looking for British soldiers, but there are none.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Two short French people.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49And that's what happens.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54You were a soldier, though. How would this impact?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57The French and the English are going to have a joint command.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- Would that have been good? - That would be dangerous.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04I've experienced that kind of thing of working with people before.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07I had to say on a radio working with foreign soldiers,
0:03:07 > 0:03:09"Regardez a gauche, les Serbs."
0:03:09 > 0:03:12And then I realised they were Italian.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15I'm told the French soldiers are going to speak English.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Is the standard of English among British...
0:03:18 > 0:03:20The standard of French amongst British troops?
0:03:20 > 0:03:24English amongst British soldiers is pretty low, you're right.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27We're going to have a hard time, the French understanding us.
0:03:27 > 0:03:32If we were sharing an aircraft carrier, they drive on the other side of the road.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35We get it Monday, Wednesday, Friday.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37What if we have a war with France?
0:03:37 > 0:03:40We'll have to bomb our own air aircraft carrier.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42On the subject of having French as allies,
0:03:42 > 0:03:46Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf had clear views. Anyone remember what he said?
0:03:46 > 0:03:51He implied if you went into battle with the French you might as well go in on your own.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Yes, he said:
0:04:01 > 0:04:05- Which bit of kit has been causing Sarkozy trouble this week?- Shoes.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08I thought his shoes weren't giving him enough height.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12Are you suggesting he should go glam rock style?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14You may laugh, he does.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17James will have met him.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19When you met him and Carla,
0:04:19 > 0:04:22he must have said, "I really like your work."
0:04:22 > 0:04:24And I said, "I really like your wife."
0:04:26 > 0:04:28"Let's swap."
0:04:30 > 0:04:32It was his £160 million jet,
0:04:32 > 0:04:35which was alleged in the press
0:04:35 > 0:04:38to have been kitted out sumptuously with:
0:04:43 > 0:04:49He asked for a bath and they pointed if there was turbulence,
0:04:49 > 0:04:51the electrics could go.
0:04:51 > 0:04:56If he's the president, can't he have a bath with wings so he can
0:04:56 > 0:04:58glide to the ground?
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Let the bath water out slowly to
0:05:01 > 0:05:03lose height.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07I did physics at school. Has it changed much?
0:05:07 > 0:05:09It's working a treat.
0:05:09 > 0:05:14I always thought in plane crashes you should jump off at the last minute, but it's not like that.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Coming towards the ground you think you can easily jump six foot.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24- Just step off. Why doesn't everyone do it?- There's a queue.
0:05:27 > 0:05:28- APPLAUSE - That's what I'd do.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34Some people get really cross about this link-up with the French.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36No matter how cross you get, however annoyed you are,
0:05:36 > 0:05:39it's important to keep your cool, isn't it, Nick?
0:05:39 > 0:05:42That he's seeking to deal with a deficit that he's
0:05:42 > 0:05:46protecting health and education, overseas aid, for example,
0:05:46 > 0:05:49and he's doing it by cutting welfare and by cutting waste,
0:05:49 > 0:05:52but he won't write the next chapters.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53All right, thank you, Nick.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57Well done for trying to get away from that person behind you.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10You should be ashamed of yourself, mate. Shame on you, mate.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22I was just trying to make a point!
0:06:22 > 0:06:26What new electoral measure has David Cameron been forced to bring in
0:06:26 > 0:06:28by the Europeans this week?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30It's to do with the prisons, isn't it?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Could you elaborate?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35I only read the headline.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39It used to be in this country that the only people who couldn't vote
0:06:39 > 0:06:41were members of the House of Lords,
0:06:41 > 0:06:45lunatics and criminals which is a group
0:06:45 > 0:06:47that has a certain amount of...
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Overlap.
0:06:49 > 0:06:54But now Europe has dictated that prisoners do have the right to vote,
0:06:54 > 0:06:57so in some constituencies, I don't
0:06:57 > 0:07:00know Wandsworth or whatever, there's 2,000 votes going.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Can they be trusted to get back from the election booth?
0:07:03 > 0:07:07During the general election do the MPs have to canvas them?
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Vote for me, I'll let you out.
0:07:10 > 0:07:15Anyone in here for fraud? I need some help with my expenses claim.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19I'd love to do a live. Wouldn't it be great doing from the lifers wing?
0:07:19 > 0:07:21We'd love to see you do that, Nick.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Getting angry with one of them, perhaps.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29I bet you they think the Government is too soft on criminals.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35I want a more open society. Windows, doors, that sort of thing.
0:07:36 > 0:07:41I went to Wandsworth prison and had lunch and this prisoner said,
0:07:41 > 0:07:43"Nowadays, conditions are too soft.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46"It's no deterrent, When I first went to prison,
0:07:46 > 0:07:48"now that was a deterrent."
0:07:51 > 0:07:56Charles Kennedy did a visit to a hospital during the election with a TV camera and he asked
0:07:56 > 0:07:59the man in the hospital bed, "Who are you thinking of voting for?"
0:07:59 > 0:08:01He said, "Liberal Democrat."
0:08:01 > 0:08:02"What are you in for?"
0:08:02 > 0:08:04"Brain surgery."
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Silvio Berlusconi is in trouble. What's he done this time?
0:08:09 > 0:08:13He went for a skin graft but didn't realise he'd have his hand stuck on his forehead.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18She's charging how much?
0:08:18 > 0:08:24He's been trying to help a teenage Moroccan belly dancer called Ruby.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26He's incredibly generous like that.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Very paternal.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31He bought her a diamond necklace
0:08:31 > 0:08:35and a car and gave her a lump of cash.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37And said, "Who's your daddy?"
0:08:38 > 0:08:42He's upset that people misinterpreted this and said,
0:08:42 > 0:08:44- "Why do people always go on about this?"- He said:
0:08:49 > 0:08:51People's pert, young problems.
0:08:51 > 0:08:57- How did he get to know Ruby?- Was it a phone call to the usual agency?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Their eyes met across a suitcase of money?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- They'd been somewhere together. - Was it a lecture?
0:09:05 > 0:09:09It was at a bunga-bunga party.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13What's a bunga-bunga party?
0:09:13 > 0:09:17- Where you throw money at young women.- And go, bunga, bunga.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21It's a naked party game, which, according to the Observer:
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Put that in context - they are Italian!
0:09:29 > 0:09:33He said something more today.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Did he say the Italian people like
0:09:35 > 0:09:37men who like women?
0:09:43 > 0:09:48It's the proposal to merge British and French military forces in a shake-up of the entente cordiale.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52The new era of military co-operation could see British and French forces
0:09:52 > 0:09:55fighting side by side, both flags proudly flying,
0:09:55 > 0:09:58our Union Jack and their white hanky.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Despite tensions within the EU, bizarrely Angela Merkel
0:10:06 > 0:10:08has revealed herself to be a fan of Midsomer Murders.
0:10:08 > 0:10:13The German Chancellor visited Chequers only last weekend and according to the Daily Mail,
0:10:13 > 0:10:17David Cameron lined up a Midsomer Murders marathon,
0:10:17 > 0:10:21or as the rest of us call it, an episode of Midsomer Murders.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24In Italy, Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi has got
0:10:24 > 0:10:28himself embroiled in yet another scandal involving wild sex parties.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30According to the Sunday Times,
0:10:30 > 0:10:35one get together featured a naked Berlusconi and 20 women, also naked.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Then, after the Cabinet meeting, he went to a sex party.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Paul and Nick, take a look at this:
0:10:41 > 0:10:42America.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Yes, of course. They've had the mid-term elections.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47There's the new Republican senators.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49The Tea Party, obviously.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51A clue there for us, in case we didn't get it.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54There's Sarah Palin, Ian's favourite.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Particularly when she lets her hair down.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58Yeah, then we all know about it.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02And then there's Obama, the President, he's not doing very well.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05The American people, one in four think he's Muslim,
0:11:05 > 0:11:07one in ten think he's a terrorist,
0:11:07 > 0:11:12one in 50 think he's a holiday that they took in Mexico in 1968.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15This is the American mid-term elections, which have gone disastrously.
0:11:15 > 0:11:21Yes. Lots of people have voted for strange people who believe odd things, but if you say odd things
0:11:21 > 0:11:24with enough conviction in America, people are willing to believe you.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27But not if you're a witch. That's the good news.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29If you were a witch, you don't get elected.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Even if you deny you once were a witch.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35- Christine O'Donnell, she's the witch, is she?- Yes. That's a small crumb of comfort, isn't it?
0:11:35 > 0:11:40In one particular election the witch didn't win!
0:11:40 > 0:11:43The witch who advocates that masturbation is a sin.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Not if you do it right.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51It says on my card, "campaigned vigorously against masturbation"
0:11:51 > 0:11:52which seems ...
0:11:52 > 0:11:56The wrong way to go about a campaign.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59But the other people whose views are bonkers did win.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03There's been a huge swing to the, I suppose to the right,
0:12:03 > 0:12:06but in America, everyone is more or less on the right.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Some people were pulling incredible stunts during the election.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Some of the candidates. Did you read about any of these?
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Yes, but then I forgot about it, isn't it funny?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- Sharron Angle, Republican.- Yes.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21Said that under Obama two US towns were operating under Sharia law.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27This was a genuine TV broadcast from Linda McMahon, Republican.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30She started the World Wrestling Federation with her husband
0:12:30 > 0:12:33and thought this might get her message across.
0:12:33 > 0:12:3630 years ago, my husband and I started our business.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39It wasn't always easy.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44But we grew it into a publicly traded company
0:12:44 > 0:12:47that's creating jobs here in Connecticut today.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50It took hard work and perseverance.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Washington could use some of that.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57- Vote for me or I'll physically attack you.- Yes.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00I'm trustworthy because I'm violent.
0:13:00 > 0:13:05You can see Harriet Harman doing that wrestling thing.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Can you see Harriet Harman doing it?
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Did you hear what political opponents said of Nicky Hayley,
0:13:12 > 0:13:15the victorious Republican candidate for Governor of Florida,
0:13:15 > 0:13:17who's of Sikh origin?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Some distrust of the foreign?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Well, yes, you've put your finger near it!
0:13:21 > 0:13:23He said:
0:13:29 > 0:13:30It's towel head.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Dickhead!
0:13:34 > 0:13:37In the last US election, it was they hockey moms.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Who are the right-wing Republican Banshees these days? What are they called now?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44- Mama grizzlies. - Mama grizzly and the tea party.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47That does sound like a late 60s... California band.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51My first band was called Limp Willy and The Disappointments.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58You don't want that to be your last band.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59Sarah Palin said mama grizzlies are:
0:14:04 > 0:14:05Ha! That's good.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08When she was nominated for Vice president,
0:14:08 > 0:14:11the head of the Republican Party in Alaska was asked
0:14:11 > 0:14:14what her qualifications for high office were.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16He paused and said ...
0:14:16 > 0:14:20"She's the right age, and she's an American citizen."
0:14:22 > 0:14:27- How's Bill Clinton been helping? - Has he been campaigning for them? Is that why they've lost so badly?
0:14:27 > 0:14:32It's that awful moment when Neil Kinnock says, "I support you as a candidate".
0:14:32 > 0:14:36- I think he'd be good for them. - You like Bill Clinton?- I thought he seemed like a very nice man.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39- Did you meet him? - I have met him once, yes.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40Was he at one of your concerts?
0:14:40 > 0:14:42No, but he made me feel very special.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Did you keep the dry cleaning receipt?
0:14:54 > 0:14:57What was the event?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Um... Just a random dinner, dinner with Bill.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01Right.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05Also, Cher was there. She came up to me and said...
0:15:08 > 0:15:10"I want to tell you how much I like your work
0:15:10 > 0:15:12"and I'm really excited to meet you".
0:15:12 > 0:15:15I said thank you, felt very special and then she walked away.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Five minutes later she walked up to me and said,
0:15:18 > 0:15:20"I'm so sorry, I thought you were someone else".
0:15:20 > 0:15:22APPLAUSE
0:15:25 > 0:15:29- Have you seen what Bush has been up to recently? - He's been tweeting a lot.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32- I can't really get at anyone for that.- Do you tweet?
0:15:32 > 0:15:34- Yeah.- God, that's embarrassing.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38There is someone pretending to be me out there,
0:15:38 > 0:15:41which is even more tragic than being me.
0:15:41 > 0:15:46I found someone pretending to be me once and they didn't bother doing anything apart from one entry
0:15:46 > 0:15:50in the whole year, round about June, "time to get the barbecue out".
0:15:52 > 0:15:55I was really disappointed.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59This is what he's been up to, here he is. He's with his dad at a Texas Rangers baseball game.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02There you go. Where's a Yemeni printer cartridge when you need one?
0:16:02 > 0:16:05APPLAUSE
0:16:08 > 0:16:12Round of applause for the suggestion of double murder!
0:16:12 > 0:16:16- I expect you're proud of yourselves. - Anybody got any views on the Yemeni bomb plot?
0:16:16 > 0:16:21I thought it was interesting that all these years that you've sat there and been searched
0:16:21 > 0:16:26and stopped in the airport and you thought, thank goodness they're taking proper security measures.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Then someone says, what about the cargo stuff? Oh, that!
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Cargo!
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Oh, God! How stupid!
0:16:34 > 0:16:37It's all right, the cargo doesn't have shoes or trouser belts.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42You're standing behind them, they're rigorously searching
0:16:42 > 0:16:43an elderly woman in a wheelchair,
0:16:43 > 0:16:46poking and saying what have you got there
0:16:46 > 0:16:50and then there's a package that says, "to the synagogue"!
0:16:50 > 0:16:54"That's fine, chuck it on board". That's fine. "For the Jews."
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Yeah, fine.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02Rabbi Larry Edwards of the Chadash Synagogue said:
0:17:07 > 0:17:10This is the poor showing by the Democrats
0:17:10 > 0:17:12in the US mid-term elections.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15As evidence of his waning popularity, the Guardian
0:17:15 > 0:17:18reported that at the Wolf Steam Centre in Cleveland...
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Even worse, the biggest cheer he got was when he said,
0:17:25 > 0:17:27"Enough of me, here's Wagner".
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Is it Vag-ner?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Yes.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Isn't it the X Factor, M'lord?
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Ah, I am obliged.
0:17:41 > 0:17:42On the eve of the election,
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Bill Clinton made his own contribution to the campaign.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49According to the Times...
0:17:49 > 0:17:52including arousal, ecstasy,
0:17:52 > 0:17:56exhaustion and guilt.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57And so to round two.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01As a tribute to James, we'll be concentrating on some of the more
0:18:01 > 0:18:03beautiful aspects of the week's news.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Here are some beautiful people who've been in the headlines. Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11BELL RINGS # You're beautiful... #
0:18:14 > 0:18:16- I recognised the song!- Yes!
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Name that song in two.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26I pressed the buzzer because I wanted it to stop.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29APPLAUSE
0:18:30 > 0:18:35- What was the song?- I've forgotten, can we hear it again?
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Hear it again. Ker-ching! Ker-ching!
0:18:41 > 0:18:46Harriet Harman, who used to be Equalities Minister and very keen on
0:18:46 > 0:18:50us not discriminate against anyone, came up with a ginger gag.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54Danny Alexander, saying he was a "ginger rodent".
0:18:54 > 0:18:58Rodent. So, a double discrimination against rats
0:18:59 > 0:19:02- and people with ginger hair. - Somebody in her family
0:19:02 > 0:19:06is a redhead and she's got a sister that's a water vole.
0:19:06 > 0:19:11Let's have a quick look at Harriet's first ever attempt at a joke.
0:19:11 > 0:19:17Now, many of us in the Labour Party are conservationists and we all love the red squirrel.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20But there is one ginger rodent
0:19:20 > 0:19:24that we never want to see again in the Highlands...
0:19:24 > 0:19:25Danny Alexander.
0:19:25 > 0:19:32A pretty clever place to make a joke about people with red hair, Scotland.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36A Labour source said it was just a bit of fun...
0:19:39 > 0:19:41LAUGHTER
0:19:43 > 0:19:46She was having a go at Danny because of his involvement in the coalition
0:19:46 > 0:19:49cuts, but to be fair, Cameron has created one job this week.
0:19:49 > 0:19:54He's got his own personal photographer, so we're paying for photos of him looking nice.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58Yeah, Andy Parsons. Cameron's given his personal photographer a civil service job, allowing
0:19:58 > 0:20:01him to take flattering pictures of the Prime Minister at our expense.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Here is the Prime Minister's personal photographer in action.
0:20:04 > 0:20:09That photo taken, obviously, by the Prime Minister's personal photographer's personal photographer.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20This is the couple in the Maldives, isn't it, that went for a ceremony and they thought they were having
0:20:20 > 0:20:24a sort of local, native ceremony in the local native language.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27It was only when they took the video back home, or whatever it was, and they realised they were being
0:20:27 > 0:20:30insulted in the most extraordinary manner and everybody has had a laugh
0:20:30 > 0:20:36at them and they are sort of crying somewhere in an attic somewhere in Wolverhampton.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Yeah, as the happy couple smiled shyly to each other, the man
0:20:39 > 0:20:41conducting the ceremony chants: "You are swine...."
0:21:08 > 0:21:11He then said, "You may now kiss the infidel."
0:21:11 > 0:21:15To add insult to injury, what other material did he draw on for the blessing?
0:21:15 > 0:21:21He said your testicles will always be dry and then he revealed that was actually soup of the day.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24At one point, according to the Mail, he is heard reading verbatim from
0:21:24 > 0:21:29a script which, on closer inspection, is a document outlining staff
0:21:29 > 0:21:32employment regulations. The resort manager, Mohammed Rashid, tried to play down the incident.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- What did he say? - It happens all the time!
0:21:35 > 0:21:39I wouldn't worry about it, it doesn't matter, it's all mumbo jumbo.
0:21:39 > 0:21:45He said, "The man used filthy language, otherwise the ceremony was OK."
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Time now for the Odd One Out round.
0:21:49 > 0:21:55Katy Perry, Kofi Annan, C3PO and R2D2 and James Blunt.
0:21:55 > 0:22:00Is it because Kofi's a nice dude who goes and does good things
0:22:00 > 0:22:01to try and unite the world.
0:22:01 > 0:22:06I wouldn't put myself in the same bracket as him necessarily,
0:22:06 > 0:22:09but I go out and sing to the troops and that.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11And you're a nice dude.
0:22:11 > 0:22:12Thanks, Dad.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:19 > 0:22:25- And C3PO...- This has turned into the Jeremy Kyle Show!
0:22:25 > 0:22:26We've had the DNA results.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Here we are!
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Is it a peacekeeping, troop entertaining...
0:22:30 > 0:22:33It is not. It is not, that, no.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36I am the only one in there I wouldn't want to sleep with.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38LAUGHTER
0:22:38 > 0:22:40What, even that dustbin thing?
0:22:40 > 0:22:42It must happen sometimes.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46Some of those kind of toys are the best ones.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48LAUGHTER
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Are you safe around pedal bins, are you?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Oh, we don't know, we don't know.
0:22:53 > 0:22:58OK, they have all appeared on Sesame Street apart from Katy Perry, whose duet with Elmo was pulled from
0:22:58 > 0:23:01the show because her dress was deemed inappropriate.
0:23:01 > 0:23:05New York magazine described the decision to cut Katy Perry as,
0:23:05 > 0:23:11"a rather harsh reaction, considering that her scene partner, Elmo, wasn't wearing anything at all."
0:23:11 > 0:23:13LAUGHTER
0:23:13 > 0:23:17The former UN Secretary General appeared on the show in 2001.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20- Why was Kofi called on to Sesame Street?- They were doing the letter K.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24Couldn't think of anything else. What begins with K? Kofi Annan!
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Quick, call him! He diffused a conflict between Elmo and the other
0:23:26 > 0:23:30monsters when they argued over who would get to sing the Alphabet Song.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33He sent in some Blue Berets.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37They didn't do much, they withdrew and the monsters killed each other.
0:23:37 > 0:23:41That is, basically, right. James appeared on the show in 2007.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46# This shape was brilliant
0:23:46 > 0:23:49# This shape was pure
0:23:49 > 0:23:52# I saw three angles
0:23:52 > 0:23:54# Of that I'm sure
0:23:54 > 0:23:57# And I saw three pointy corners
0:23:57 > 0:24:00# And then I saw three straight sides
0:24:00 > 0:24:05# The top was very narrow and the base was, oh, so wide
0:24:07 > 0:24:09# My triangle
0:24:09 > 0:24:11# My triangle
0:24:13 > 0:24:18# So beautiful, it's true
0:24:18 > 0:24:21# It must be those angles
0:24:21 > 0:24:24# Put a smile on your face
0:24:25 > 0:24:28# Not to mention the hypotenuse... #
0:24:28 > 0:24:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:36 > 0:24:38It looks like a hostage tape. Were you being held hostage?
0:24:38 > 0:24:41What was the song about originally,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44- before it was about triangles?- Tell him what the song was about, James.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47- It wasn't anything to do with you. - Not about a square, then?
0:24:47 > 0:24:48It was about stalking...
0:24:48 > 0:24:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:54 > 0:24:57James Blunt sang a version of You're Beautiful on Sesame Street.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01You can say what you like about You're Beautiful, but without it millions of
0:25:01 > 0:25:04single women would be sitting at home with their cats in silence.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08LAUGHTER
0:25:08 > 0:25:10OK, time now for the Missing Words Round, which this week
0:25:10 > 0:25:16features as its guest publication Clowning Around, the magazine of the World Clown Association.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20It looks like a nice, jolly cover, inside it's a tragic mess.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23And we start with:
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Football practice.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29LAUGHTER
0:25:29 > 0:25:31What publication is this from?
0:25:31 > 0:25:33This is a silly game!
0:25:33 > 0:25:34LAUGHTER
0:25:34 > 0:25:36This is from Clowning Around.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Do you subscribe?
0:25:38 > 0:25:40He's been on the cover!
0:25:40 > 0:25:44The worst part of Clown Camp is the day that one leaves.
0:25:44 > 0:25:50This is according to an article in Clowning Around which goes on to say, "There are no words to describe how
0:25:50 > 0:25:55"difficult it is to say goodbye", so why not do a mind numbingly tedious mime?
0:25:55 > 0:25:58LAUGHTER
0:26:00 > 0:26:01Next:
0:26:05 > 0:26:10I would say get laid, but that seems like a shorter word than that.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Well, if you can't get laid at the ninth biannual International Circus
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Festival of Budapest there's something wrong with you.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18It's a swingers paradise.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22- He didn't make anyone laugh. - He didn't do anything original
0:26:22 > 0:26:24well enough to grab the audience's attention. Next:
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Served five years in Parkhurst?
0:26:36 > 0:26:37Pulled out.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Made a big public splash.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Ah, now, that's the joke you've put together, not me.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53The answer is switched to white make-up.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57The famous clown Emmett Kelly is now sadly deceased. He had an open coffin.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Still has. They can't close the lid because of his shoes.
0:27:00 > 0:27:01And finally:
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Happiness.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Is exactly correct!
0:27:07 > 0:27:08Is it?
0:27:08 > 0:27:11A wild guess.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16So, if you're watching this show tonight in Norwich eating a medium
0:27:16 > 0:27:20Cheese Feast, then you, my friend, are living the dream!
0:27:20 > 0:27:25So, the final scores are Ian and James have five and Paul and Nick also have five.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Oh, well done.
0:27:28 > 0:27:29APPLAUSE
0:27:32 > 0:27:36But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Embarrassed London Mayor caught with oar.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:44 > 0:27:47And I leave you with news that parachute training begins
0:27:47 > 0:27:51as the RAF plans to hit Afghanistan with our deadliest weapon yet.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54LAUGHTER
0:27:54 > 0:27:59In Devon, there are tragic consequences when one of the stars of the Anchor butter advert is laid off.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04AUDIENCE: Ahhh...
0:28:04 > 0:28:07And under constant threat of assassination, Vladimir Putin
0:28:07 > 0:28:10and his wife admit they even wear camouflage when sitting on the sofa.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15LAUGHTER
0:28:15 > 0:28:16Good night.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20APPLAUSE
0:28:46 > 0:28:48Subtitles by RED BEE MEDIA LTD
0:28:48 > 0:28:50E-mail: subtitling@bbc.co.uk