0:00:25 > 0:00:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:43Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Damian Lewis.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44In the news this week...
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Nick Clegg's task of selling the coalition to the Lib Dems
0:00:47 > 0:00:49is about to get even tougher,
0:00:49 > 0:00:52as David Cameron unveils the new Home Secretary.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59At the European Swimming Championships, the line-up
0:00:59 > 0:01:01for the men's freestyle relay final
0:01:01 > 0:01:04is completed by the team from the Vatican City.
0:01:09 > 0:01:14And the head of ITV News angrily denies accusations of dumbing down
0:01:14 > 0:01:16during their report on the Somali pirate story.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21APPLAUSE
0:01:23 > 0:01:24On Ian Hislop's team is
0:01:24 > 0:01:26a comedy writer and presenter
0:01:26 > 0:01:28who is also President of the Woodland Trust,
0:01:28 > 0:01:31as the problem of deforestation is close to his heart,
0:01:31 > 0:01:33and even closer to his head.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35PAUL MERTON LAUGHS
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Aw! Please welcome Clive Anderson!
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Thank you very much.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:43 > 0:01:46With Paul Merton is a Scottish comedian
0:01:46 > 0:01:49who first performed stand-up in a Glasgow pub aged 15,
0:01:49 > 0:01:51which is odd, because most 15-year-olds in Glasgow
0:01:51 > 0:01:53don't go to pubs,
0:01:53 > 0:01:55unless they can get a baby-sitter.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Please welcome Kevin Bridges!
0:01:59 > 0:02:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:04 > 0:02:08And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Paul and Kevin, take a look at this.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Oh, right, yes, of course. There is the happy man.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14There he is, look!
0:02:14 > 0:02:18That's the winner of the Gordon Brown Lookalike Contest,
0:02:18 > 0:02:19he's very pleased,
0:02:19 > 0:02:22and commemorative plates. It's the new royal wedding
0:02:22 > 0:02:25for next year, to cope with our economic straits,
0:02:25 > 0:02:28the terrible climate, it takes our minds of it by saying,
0:02:28 > 0:02:30"Look, she looks like Diana, look at her!"
0:02:30 > 0:02:33That's what we're all going to do. Just look at her,
0:02:33 > 0:02:35and ignore everything else. Just look at her.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38I don't agree that it's going to cheer the country up.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40There's public spending cuts,
0:02:40 > 0:02:43- job losses...- Yeah, but look at her!
0:02:43 > 0:02:44She's got a shiny brooch!
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Just in case unemployed life wasn't difficult enough,
0:02:48 > 0:02:50there's going to be six months of the TV being shite.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56- Er, is the correct answer! - LAUGHTER
0:02:56 > 0:02:59He's going to be wearing a special waistcoat made out of
0:02:59 > 0:03:01the tongues of the poor.
0:03:01 > 0:03:06And the stag night - again, a royal custom - he's got to have sex with a stag.
0:03:06 > 0:03:11It must be pretty surreal being Prince Harry and William on a stag night.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Just you and your mates stuffing pictures of your gran into a lap dancer's bra.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19APPLAUSE
0:03:19 > 0:03:22We've all done that, haven't we?
0:03:22 > 0:03:27I like the, "She's a commoner," because she's only upper middle class. What is it, she's going to
0:03:27 > 0:03:30make the royal family more accessible to the public?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33I think it sets a challenge for Prince Harry
0:03:33 > 0:03:36to go and find himself a proper scumbag.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40I'd take more of an interest in the monarchy
0:03:40 > 0:03:45if Prince Harry was getting married to a 19-year-old beauty therapist from Warrington.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Where did William propose?
0:03:48 > 0:03:53Halfway up Mount Kenya, which is not a euphemism, that was exactly where they were.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Yes, er...
0:03:56 > 0:03:58LAUGHTER
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Yes, the location was described as...
0:04:01 > 0:04:06Coincidentally, how Diana and Charles looked on their engagement.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11What does Wills like about Kate so much?
0:04:11 > 0:04:13That she's willing to marry him, which is...
0:04:13 > 0:04:14- LAUGHTER - ..a good start,
0:04:14 > 0:04:17particularly if you're marrying into the royal family.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Erm, no. He says...
0:04:22 > 0:04:26"Ha-ha, she passes the port to the right."
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Is that a snob joke from an Old Etonian?
0:04:32 > 0:04:36Well, I... You be the judge, I couldn't possibly comment!
0:04:36 > 0:04:40Whose picture was Kate Middleton rumoured to have on her bedroom wall as a student?
0:04:40 > 0:04:45It was meant to be a picture of Prince William, this was the one fact the newspapers established.
0:04:45 > 0:04:50- Which turned out not to be true. She didn't have a picture of him on the wall.- No, it was you, Ian.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54Big Private Eye fan. No, it was the Levi advert, wasn't it?
0:04:54 > 0:04:56That's what she now claims.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57What do you mean "now claims"?!
0:04:57 > 0:05:01- Honestly!- Well, I don't know whether she's right or they're right or...
0:05:01 > 0:05:04You have no position?
0:05:04 > 0:05:05I haven't been in her bedroom!
0:05:07 > 0:05:09You wouldn't be looking at the wall if you were.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12She did, in fact, tell reporters...
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Still doesn't answer whose picture she had on her bedroom wall.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21Er, what are Will and Kate's nicknames for each other?
0:05:21 > 0:05:26Her nickname for him is Big Willie, which is not the worst nickname in the world to have, to be honest.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27It is if you're a woman.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31She's to be known as Catherine as well
0:05:31 > 0:05:33when they're married.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37Princess Kate sounds like something you'd buy in the Early Learning Centre.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40He calls her...
0:05:42 > 0:05:43She calls him, as you said...
0:05:45 > 0:05:46..which is ironic
0:05:46 > 0:05:48cos he's got a tiny penis.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52What was Kate's nickname amongst royal courtiers?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55She was supposedly known as Waity Katy,
0:05:55 > 0:05:58because she had to wait for a very long time.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02I know a 19-year-old beauty therapist from Warrington called Weighty Katy,
0:06:02 > 0:06:04because she's got a slow metabolism.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Not to be confused with Weighty Fergie. No.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:06:12 > 0:06:14She's another redhead. It's fair game.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18But she isn't exactly a commoner. I mean,
0:06:18 > 0:06:22she went to Marlborough, quite a famous public school, and then St Andrews,
0:06:22 > 0:06:26probably the most exclusive of those Scottish universities that you go to
0:06:26 > 0:06:27to read history of art.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29So, em...
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Pick up the sneer in that!
0:06:32 > 0:06:36- Did you see Kate's parents being interviewed?- Not recently, no.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40They're hardly that common! It'd be better if her dad looked at the camera and said,
0:06:40 > 0:06:41"Ker-ching!"
0:06:42 > 0:06:47When they first met, what grievous offence did Kate's mother commit that made
0:06:47 > 0:06:49the Royals concerned about the match?
0:06:49 > 0:06:53Did she go on a blood-thirsty spree with a machine gun?
0:06:53 > 0:06:57There was some story about... They said she didn't know how to use the fish knife.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- Exactly. It's nonsense...- I can't really believe that's true.
0:07:00 > 0:07:06- Apparently she said "pardon" and "toilet" instead of "what" and "lavatory".- What was the sentence?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09"Pardon, is that something in the toilet I can hear...
0:07:10 > 0:07:11"..Your Majesty?"
0:07:13 > 0:07:16How did the cabinet respond to the news?
0:07:16 > 0:07:18By banging the table, like that.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20I think they did it like that.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23This is a bit common.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Imagine if the desk wasn't there.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33What was Davina McCall's Twitter response?
0:07:33 > 0:07:36I don't know why you ask such...
0:07:36 > 0:07:41The idea that anybody's interested in what Davina McCall says on Twitter...
0:07:41 > 0:07:43APPLAUSE
0:07:44 > 0:07:45That's a bit cruel.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47I like Davina.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49But I agree with you, I'm going to move on.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Come on, we might as well hear it, now we've had a big row about it.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56- It might be really funny and relevant and witty.- And if it isn't?
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- Then Ian would have been right. - Let's try.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00OK.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- Jury's out.- Yeah.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03"Yay!"
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Who's organising his stag do?
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Is it the Archbishop Of Canterbury?
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Are you saying Prince Harry is not organising the stag do?
0:08:19 > 0:08:21- Prince Harry is organising it.- Oh! Well...
0:08:21 > 0:08:25Where are they going? We don't know any of this, do we? Have a guess!
0:08:25 > 0:08:27I mean, this is the trouble with rolling news.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31Instead of covering lots of events, it covers one event for ever.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34For the next six months, there's going to be one story
0:08:34 > 0:08:36and most of it just won't be true.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40You say, "Yeah, the stag night. I'd imagine they'll hold it in Munich
0:08:40 > 0:08:43"and they're going to dress up as Nazi officers
0:08:43 > 0:08:49"and, em... Oh, no. I've just heard that's wrong.
0:08:49 > 0:08:54"Grayson Perry's organising the stag night. They're dressing up as Alice In Wonderland."
0:08:54 > 0:08:59The answer, actually, was - just reeling us back to the question...
0:09:03 > 0:09:05I've forgotten what the question was,
0:09:05 > 0:09:06but I'm intrigued by the answer.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11What was Harry's response to the engagement?
0:09:11 > 0:09:12He fell into a deep, deep coma...
0:09:14 > 0:09:17..at the sheer tedium of the subject.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21Even as a member of the royal family, I've had it up to here, he said.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Or is it up to there? I can't remember.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29He said, rather sweetly...
0:09:31 > 0:09:33AUDIENCE: Ah!
0:09:33 > 0:09:37What did Charles and Camilla have to say about it all?
0:09:37 > 0:09:40She said, "It's wicked, innit?"
0:09:40 > 0:09:43- And Prince Charles said... - HE MUMBLES GIBBERISH
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Which means, "Windsor Massive."
0:09:45 > 0:09:48- Exactly, yes. - LAUGHTER
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Although she has lost weight, recently.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54You're both right - we can have a look now.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58- May we ask your reaction to the wedding, please, sir? - Obviously thrilled.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02Brilliant news, I'm just so happy for both of them.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06- They are so happy and...it's wicked. - LAUGHTER
0:10:09 > 0:10:11You cut it before the "innit".
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Yo, 'nuff respect to the Prince's ho.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
0:10:21 > 0:10:25What part of the royal wedding will cost £80 million?
0:10:25 > 0:10:29I'm willing to give you £80 million if we can move onto the next subject.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Do you know what I mean?
0:10:34 > 0:10:39£80 million for which bit of the... Is it the button holes?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41They are often quite expensive.
0:10:41 > 0:10:42Is it the flowers?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44That's much the same thing, really.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46No, including the flowers.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Oh, we're expanding our answer.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51It's security.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54That's the answer, according to The Express.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59LAUGHTER
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Or, as we call them, the groom's family.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07In fact, all the papers went a bit engagement doolally across the board -
0:11:07 > 0:11:10who was particularly excited,
0:11:10 > 0:11:12- apart from Paul, of course? - Exchange and Mart.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18They took the advert off the front page for the first time ever.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Well, the Sun had a full-colour photo of the happy couple.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25The Daily Mirror had a full-colour photo of the happy couple.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29The Star had a full-colour photo of the happy couple.
0:11:29 > 0:11:36The Independent went with, "Ghost estates and broken lives, the human cost of the Irish crash."
0:11:36 > 0:11:40THEY know how to sell papers. LAUGHTER
0:11:40 > 0:11:43William and Kate have already been together for eight years,
0:11:43 > 0:11:46one of the longest lasting royal relationships since records began.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48The BBC news Online observed...
0:11:53 > 0:11:56And the 37th anniversary of his father's affair with Camilla.
0:12:01 > 0:12:02Ian and Clive, here's yours.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06It's not the royal wedding! People happy,
0:12:06 > 0:12:09it's the wedding. He's thrilled - "It's the wedding!"
0:12:09 > 0:12:12The whole country, they can't contain themselves!
0:12:12 > 0:12:15He's happy, it's the wedding.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Nothing to do with the wedding, Ian!
0:12:17 > 0:12:19No, she's hoping the wedding goes well.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Ah! He hasn't had enough chocolate. It's a wedding, it's be OK!
0:12:23 > 0:12:27And there's the groom.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30This is a new plan that the government...
0:12:30 > 0:12:33We're going to have statistics kept on how happy we are. Whether we've got a job,
0:12:33 > 0:12:35how much income we have.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39They've got some statistician who's going to come up with the questions.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Question one - "Are you happy?" LAUGHTER
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Question two - "If you're not, shut up.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47"Stop whinging."
0:12:47 > 0:12:51What about the Irish money at the end there? The Irish disaster money.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55- What's that got to do with happiness?- Ireland's going bust - by the time this goes out, it may have.
0:12:55 > 0:13:00A lot of people are saying, "Ireland's going bust, doesn't affect us,"
0:13:00 > 0:13:02but we've lent a vast amount of money to Ireland.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Particularly my stupid bank.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06The clue is in the name.
0:13:09 > 0:13:14You're taking it very personally, Ian - they didn't do it to spite YOU.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18The government, our government,
0:13:18 > 0:13:23has got to pay about £7 billion to bail out Ireland.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27And that's the total of all the cuts that we've got this year.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30So we've got to save all this money and then give it to Ireland.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Is there a flaw there somewhere?!
0:13:33 > 0:13:35They're refusing the money.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38They're refusing to take the money.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40You wait till the repeat.
0:13:40 > 0:13:45I think it's just like a drunk guy that's had a good time.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48They're just refusing anybody that's trying to help them up.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50"I'm fine!
0:13:50 > 0:13:53"I don't need your help, I'm fine!"
0:13:56 > 0:13:58David Cameron said...
0:14:02 > 0:14:04..said the multi-millionaire.
0:14:04 > 0:14:11I think they want us to measure how happy we are, he should travel the country with no security guards.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13How will those levels be assessed?
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Specially trained meerkats will be sent around the country...
0:14:16 > 0:14:19peering through people's letter boxes.
0:14:21 > 0:14:27We're going to shout "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands." LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:29 > 0:14:34By means of a questionnaire to be drawn up by the Office For National Statistics...
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Oh, they can be right bastards.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40The National Office Of Statistics, 47% of them are real idiots.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44And the other 83 are just...incompetent.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48- Yeah.- It's a very un-British idea that everyone should be happy.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Everyone should just groan a bit and then bumble through.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54The idea that everyone goes around being happy?
0:14:54 > 0:14:57- One of...- Name one good thing, Ian, that you like.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59- One good thing you like.- That I like?
0:14:59 > 0:15:04There was a good programme on the other night called The History Of The National Grid.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06APPLAUSE
0:15:08 > 0:15:09That was good, wasn't it?
0:15:09 > 0:15:13So, Ireland then, or as the Sun called it on Tuesday...
0:15:15 > 0:15:19Anyone remember how The Independent described the Irish economy in 2004?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Yes, I do. I have it written on a tea towel at home.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28APPLAUSE
0:15:28 > 0:15:29They said...
0:15:33 > 0:15:34And back again.
0:15:36 > 0:15:41And what did George Osborne say on a trip to Dublin in 2006?
0:15:41 > 0:15:45- He said, "We've got a lot to learn." - That's along the right lines. He said...
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Bit worrying.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00Commentating on the state of Ireland's economy, one Irish businesswoman said...
0:16:06 > 0:16:11Except this time, the coded warning came in a phone call from the IMF,
0:16:11 > 0:16:12not to be con...
0:16:12 > 0:16:15not to be confused with the Real IMF or the Continuity IMF.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19APPLAUSE
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Who announced that he'll be heading south this week?
0:16:22 > 0:16:26- Gerry Adams.- I was going to say the swallow in my garden, but that's...
0:16:27 > 0:16:30How did the swallow act to the impending news
0:16:30 > 0:16:33of the joyful union between two people?
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Well, he tweeted about it, so...
0:16:36 > 0:16:38APPLAUSE
0:16:40 > 0:16:41Paul, absolutely right.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43- (IRISH ACCENT:)- Gerry Adams.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- He's going to... Sorry. - That was awfully good.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Do you do any other impressions at all?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51No.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52Um...
0:16:52 > 0:16:54- You thought about it, didn't you? - Yeah.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56I bet one of them's Basil Brush.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- I'm tempted.- I know. I can see it. - Gerry Adams!
0:17:03 > 0:17:06He's going to stand for election to the Irish parliament.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10So, he won't be not attending our parliament any more.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Adams is one of five Sinn Fein MPs
0:17:13 > 0:17:16who have claimed half-a-million pounds of taxpayers money
0:17:16 > 0:17:18in second-home allowances.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Still, not the first time Gerry Adams has been accused of making a bomb.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28- Interesting.- The minute you stray away from royal weddings
0:17:28 > 0:17:29and into actual satire...
0:17:29 > 0:17:31- they hate it. - It's confusing, isn't it?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34They're worried their faces are going to be shown laughing.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39Meanwhile, who turned down an invitation to appear
0:17:39 > 0:17:43on the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas Special this week?
0:17:43 > 0:17:44Yes?
0:17:44 > 0:17:46- LAUGHTER - I don't know how you knew,
0:17:46 > 0:17:47but it was me.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50LAUGHTER
0:17:50 > 0:17:53APPLAUSE
0:17:53 > 0:17:56No, it was Vince Cable and Peter Mandelson.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00But there were plans to have a big political dance-off,
0:18:00 > 0:18:04get the whole argument about the economy sorted
0:18:04 > 0:18:07by Vince and Peter doing a rumba.
0:18:08 > 0:18:09Together?
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Yes! Don't want professionals involved, it's like politics.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14That would ruin it, um...
0:18:14 > 0:18:15You're right,
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Peter Mandelson, despite having said previously that he would love to,
0:18:19 > 0:18:20said no.
0:18:20 > 0:18:21Fickle.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25But never mind, Vince Cable has said he's interested.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28That's Vince Cable, the secretary of state for business.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32It's not like we're in the middle of a recession or anything.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34So, to Round Two - the picture spin quiz.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Fingers on buzzers.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40BUZZ!
0:18:40 > 0:18:41Yes, Ian and Clive?
0:18:41 > 0:18:43I'm not sure that photo's real.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Is it the Bee Gees?
0:18:50 > 0:18:52These are people that have been released this week.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56She's Aung San Suu Kyi who's the Burmese opposition leader,
0:18:56 > 0:18:58who's been in prison for 15 years
0:18:58 > 0:19:00and she's just been let out of house arrest...
0:19:00 > 0:19:05after a non-violent protest which seems to have worked - very exciting, terribly good news.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09Is it Paul and Rachel? They were pottering around in their boat
0:19:09 > 0:19:13and were taken by Somali pirates and they've been released.
0:19:13 > 0:19:18- Somebody paid their ransom.- They asked for ransom, nothing happened, so they were put on eBay...
0:19:18 > 0:19:21They'll be home in time for the royal wedding,
0:19:21 > 0:19:24and that, for me, is the most important aspect of the story.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27One of the reasons they were released is that the pirates were bored.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29They've held them for ages and it's not cost efficient.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33The intermediary was a Somalian taxi driver, based in London.
0:19:33 > 0:19:38No wonder they were kept waiting. They kept saying, "I'll be with you in 20 minutes."
0:19:38 > 0:19:41APPLAUSE
0:19:41 > 0:19:43It has been a good week for captives.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Aung San Suu Kyi was released after spending 15 of the last 21 years under house arrest.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49What did she say when she emerged?
0:19:49 > 0:19:52"Look at the state of the garden."
0:19:54 > 0:19:56She said...
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Well, bless her, she doesn't get out much.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05That's something about house arrest - it's be all right.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08She's won the respect of millions
0:20:08 > 0:20:10and she can probably get a top score on Guitar Hero.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17Who first hinted that she might be released?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20- Is it somebody we've ever heard of? - No.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23That narrows it down. I can forget all the people I actually know.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25- Is it a Burmese person?- Mm-hm.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28He's name's U Tin Oo.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31So when you say Oo told us first that she was going to be released,
0:20:31 > 0:20:33you were just stating a fact.
0:20:34 > 0:20:39I think you've cornered the market in Burmese puns.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Fantastic news.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44This is the joyous news of two long-awaited releases.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Aung San Suu Kyi had been held under house arrest for more than 15 years.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51Her release comes shortly after Burmese elections in which the hated military junta
0:20:51 > 0:20:54claimed victory over its two democratic rivals.
0:20:54 > 0:20:59Honestly, what kind of country would allow so much power to go to the third most popular party?
0:21:02 > 0:21:04This week also saw the release of the Chandlers,
0:21:04 > 0:21:09a couple from Tunbridge Wells who were held captive by Somali pirates for over a year.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13According to the Daily Mail, the London cabbie who negotiated the Chandlers' freedom...
0:21:16 > 0:21:20So he spends half his time in a lawless, poverty-stricken wasteland...
0:21:20 > 0:21:21Keep going!
0:21:21 > 0:21:23..and the other half...
0:21:23 > 0:21:26APPLAUSE
0:21:29 > 0:21:33- (AS BRUCE FORSYTH:) - And the other half...
0:21:33 > 0:21:36in Somalia.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Right.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44According to Max Clifford, the couple could make £1 million from TV interviews...
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Then they really will be worth kidnapping.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Fingers on buzzers, please, teams.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01BUZZER
0:22:01 > 0:22:03That must be an old folk tradition.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Cultural treasures.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Like pig-stretching in Andover.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10I'll tell you what it is.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13It's this year's hopefuls vying for a place on UNESCO's list
0:22:13 > 0:22:16of intangible cultural treasures.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18The French are in with a good chance.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22- Which of their traditions are they hoping to get on the list? - Budgie-teasing.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23Budgie-teasing in Provence.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- (FRENCH ACCENT:) - You live in Provence,
0:22:26 > 0:22:28you are a budgie.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32- One of their traditions is art de la table.- Oh, just eating.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Cooking and all that kind of stuff.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36What cultural heritage is going on here?
0:22:36 > 0:22:39This is a 648-year-old tradition.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41- In Turkey.- Is this wrestling?
0:22:41 > 0:22:44You oil yourself before you wrestle.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46It's Turkey's annual oil-wrestling festival.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48According to promoters, it's...
0:22:49 > 0:22:53That ought to do it.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Can anyone tell me what's going on here?
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Is that another folk tradition?
0:22:59 > 0:23:02This is queuing for the loo at the royal wedding.
0:23:05 > 0:23:11Is it a series of rapid earthquakes that hit Chorlton-cum-Hardy in 1932?
0:23:11 > 0:23:14It's hopping. This is Luxemburg's submission
0:23:14 > 0:23:19to the UNESCO list of intangible cultural treasures.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Cultural treasure? Hopping?
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Luxemburg? Hopping? I can't compute this.
0:23:24 > 0:23:28Hopping, they haven't got a leg to stand on, have they?
0:23:28 > 0:23:29It's ridiculous.
0:23:29 > 0:23:34A centuries-old... A centuries-old religious ritual
0:23:34 > 0:23:37where thousands of dancers linked by a chain of handkerchiefs
0:23:37 > 0:23:40form a hopping procession through the streets.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43And they say there's nothing to do in Luxemburg.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Croatia have a gingerbread, apparently, which I think is tangible.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49It's not tangible, it's edible.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51You can touch it and then eat it.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54I'm not going to eat it once you've touched it.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Croatian throat singing.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59We can have a little listen, if you'd like.
0:23:59 > 0:24:04THEY HOWL A TUNE
0:24:21 > 0:24:26Good to see Take That back together again.
0:24:26 > 0:24:31These are the latest applicants for UNESCO's list of intangible cultural treasures.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34One candidate for inclusion is French cuisine which boasts...
0:24:39 > 0:24:41..and bits of horse.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45UNESCO's intangible cultural heritage scheme
0:24:45 > 0:24:48has been dismissed here as foreign nonsense -
0:24:48 > 0:24:52a traditional British attitude which has been added to UNESCO's list.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55APPLAUSE
0:24:55 > 0:25:00Time now for the missing words round which features the guest publication...
0:25:03 > 0:25:07..sister-publication of Chocolate Teapot magazine.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09We start with...
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Condom.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Hurts.
0:25:22 > 0:25:27In a recent article on how to give a concrete canoe presentation,
0:25:27 > 0:25:29the authors top tip is to use humour or, as they put it...
0:25:37 > 0:25:41It gets me every time. Next...
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Noses.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Drunken women.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52Is it Eamonn Holmes?
0:25:54 > 0:25:59- You can't say that.- We can't say that.- No mention of Eamonn Holmes and food.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02If we do he comes down on you like a ton of bricks.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05APPLAUSE
0:26:05 > 0:26:06Fat people.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08The answer is fat people.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11There's a survey that found that fat people know where food is.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14They smell it more than thin people.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Partly cos it's in their hand.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18APPLAUSE
0:26:18 > 0:26:23This is research that discovered the heavier someone is,
0:26:23 > 0:26:25the more sensitive they are to the smell of food.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Oddly enough, not salad.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30Next...
0:26:38 > 0:26:42It had specially-flanged concrete to cut down on wind resistance.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45It actually looked like a canoe.
0:26:45 > 0:26:50Concrete Canoe magazine, designed for civil engineering students,
0:26:50 > 0:26:52but is careful to appeal to the general reader as well.
0:26:52 > 0:26:56For example, in the recent edition, the editor makes this light-hearted observation.
0:27:00 > 0:27:01And finally...
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Ill-advised sandals.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Michael Buble in a sack.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Is it him in a sack?
0:27:16 > 0:27:17It's concrete guitar.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19This was student Parker Sloan.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Here he is. It took him ten minutes to play three songs on it.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25And 11 months to smash it against the speakers.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27So the final scores
0:27:27 > 0:27:28are Ian and Clive
0:27:28 > 0:27:34on 7 and Paul and Kevin on 7.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37APPLAUSE
0:27:41 > 0:27:44On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Ian Hislop and Clive Anderson, Paul Merton and Kevin Bridges.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50I leave you with news that in Oxfordshire, whilst taking a shower,
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Bill Oddie forgets to close the bathroom curtains.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01At a military parade in Kashmir,
0:28:01 > 0:28:03one soldier battles to control a severe attack of cramp.
0:28:07 > 0:28:13And at the Cenotaph, the minute's silence is marred by an erratic rendition of the Last Post.
0:28:16 > 0:28:17Good night.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44Subtitling by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:44 > 0:28:47E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk