0:00:37 > 0:00:42Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Martin Clunes.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44This week, news breaks
0:00:44 > 0:00:48of a tragic lawnmower accident involving the Royal Correspondent, Nicholas Witchell.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04The Sky Documentary Channel denies there are any
0:01:04 > 0:01:07historical inaccuracies in its reconstruction of the Crusades.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10# We're on the copter
0:01:10 > 0:01:13# We're on the copter
0:01:13 > 0:01:14# And we're having a laugh! #
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Officials at the Health and Safety Executive admit that
0:01:18 > 0:01:21the angle of the disabled access ramp may need adjusting.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34On Ian Hislop's team, a comedian whose performance on this show with Ann Widdecombe
0:01:34 > 0:01:39led her to announce she'd never come on again, so a massive thank you and welcome to Jimmy Carr.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42APPLAUSE Thank you very much.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48With Paul Merton tonight is a controversial artist,
0:01:48 > 0:01:51whom the Daily Mail thinks appears far too often on the BBC.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54If you're a regular reader of the Mail, you'll be well advised
0:01:54 > 0:01:57to change channel, or even better, just change newspaper!
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Please welcome, Grayson Perry.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02APPLAUSE
0:02:03 > 0:02:06And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Ian and Jimmy, take a look at this.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09That's Irish protesters.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13Or the students have let themselves go.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17That's the Prime Minister saying, "We don't need any help... Help!"
0:02:17 > 0:02:20He only got the job because of his looks.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Who's that, the Cabinet?
0:02:22 > 0:02:26- That is someone crying. - Michael O'Leary, Ryanair.- Yeah.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30- That's a licence to print money. There you go.- It's Ireland.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34- How did you piece that together? - Extraordinary knack.
0:02:34 > 0:02:40The best coverage, I think it was the Irish Daily Star,
0:02:40 > 0:02:43- had the headline on the front page... - We may have it.- Amazing.
0:02:43 > 0:02:44"Useless gobshites."
0:02:49 > 0:02:52The headline writers clearly just went, "Yeah, that'll do."
0:02:52 > 0:02:56They're pretty cross in Ireland, particularly with their government,
0:02:56 > 0:03:00who they blame for spending a week saying, "We really don't need any help,"
0:03:00 > 0:03:03then caving in completely and basically letting
0:03:03 > 0:03:06the Europeans run the place. They've taken this huge bail-out,
0:03:06 > 0:03:11including lots of our money. So, everyone is very happy about that, I should think?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14That seems to have killed the mood slightly.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17The Celtic Tiger has gone the way of all tigers -
0:03:17 > 0:03:21probably being ground up for Chinese medicine as we speak.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25- But it's an aphrodisiac. - Not for the tiger, it isn't!
0:03:25 > 0:03:30It's an odd situation. We've bailed them out. They owe money to everyone, do they?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Yes, but we've got to bail them out, as we've lent them so much money.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36And why do we have to pay one eighth of their bill?
0:03:36 > 0:03:40Because Alistair Darling signed a piece of paper while we didn't have a government.
0:03:40 > 0:03:46Brown had left the building, Cameron hadn't come back in again, so Darling was alone.
0:03:46 > 0:03:52He thought, "I'll sign up to this, we'll bail out anyone." So that's his final gift to us.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55It's a good thing we're not in the Euro. Everyone's thrilled now,
0:03:55 > 0:03:59they say, "Thank goodness for Gordon Brown. He kept out us of the Euro."
0:03:59 > 0:04:04And someone even suggested this week that, because of that, we should put up a statue to Gordon Brown.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06We could just use him!
0:04:09 > 0:04:13He's not doing anything at the moment, is he?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Brian Cowen is the Irish Prime Minister.
0:04:15 > 0:04:23Didn't he refer to the bail-out as an overdraft facility? It's a brilliant euphemism.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27So, this is a nation consolidating their debts into one easy monthly payment?
0:04:28 > 0:04:34Meanwhile, back in Westminster, 78-year-old Lord Young had to resign over comments he made over lunch.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Here's how they covered the story in the Mirror.
0:04:37 > 0:04:42- "Lord Bonkers." Well, it's one up on "Gobshite".- He just said, it's all right.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44This recession, don't worry about it.
0:04:44 > 0:04:50If you've lost your job, don't worry, it's within the statistical norm, so cheer up.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Probably because their house got repossessed.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10Lord Young made the outburst while dining with a journalist
0:05:10 > 0:05:13in a Michelin-starred restaurant in Westminster.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14He later retracted the remarks:
0:05:17 > 0:05:20It is what you and I call sobering up.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Is it a blow to the head and been taken back to the 1950s, or something?
0:05:23 > 0:05:26The "You've never had it so good" bit.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28You know, Harold Macmillan, Elvis Presley...
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Do you remember when those two got married?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33It was a lovely do, wasn't it?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36- Why Cameron thought it was a good idea...- Macmillan to marry Elvis?
0:05:36 > 0:05:41Nobody thought it was a good idea at the time, they all scorned it. He was from the wrong part of town.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45- Was Elvis a bit middle-class? - He had blue suede shoes, after all.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48- Lord Young got sacked, anyway. - Was he sacked or did he resign?
0:05:48 > 0:05:53- He resigned, didn't he?- He was resigned, it's a passive verb.
0:05:53 > 0:05:58It's a very odd thing that happened. If you've got a normal job and you do something wrong,
0:05:58 > 0:06:01no-one has ever gone, "This is an untenable position, I must resign."
0:06:01 > 0:06:04You go, "Fine. Got away with it. Can't believe my luck."
0:06:04 > 0:06:09Anybody would think that politics is just about appearances, wouldn't you?
0:06:09 > 0:06:11You've proved that isn't true, Grayson.
0:06:11 > 0:06:16Cos you're there being Mrs Thatcher and no-one has booed.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21I thought I was more Raine Spencer, actually, with a bit of Geoffrey Howe.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24What else has been made public this week for the first time?
0:06:24 > 0:06:29Government's expenses. And £170,000 spent on bottled water.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31That was just the Revenue and Customs.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40You'll love this one. The Cabinet Office coughed up...
0:06:47 > 0:06:53It's like a Monty Python sketch. "Is this a very difficult conversation, or slightly awkward?"
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- Ed Miliband, remember him?- Yes! - Back from paternity leave on Monday.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03Here's the official Shadow Cabinet photograph.
0:07:05 > 0:07:10This is how Mr Miliband describes his life these days -
0:07:13 > 0:07:18This is a new characteristic for our political leaders, because David Cameron swore the other day.
0:07:18 > 0:07:23He said, "Shit happens." Now we've got the opposition going, "It's crap."
0:07:24 > 0:07:27- Yeah, I'm with you.- Do you know what his brother did on Monday?
0:07:27 > 0:07:30He opened a Morrisons in South Shields.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34You're kidding! What, couldn't they get Blair?
0:07:34 > 0:07:42- Was he like a guest celebrity, or is that his new job?- He's the caretaker.
0:07:42 > 0:07:47We learned something about Ken Clarke's sense of priorities from the News of the World.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50He was busy in the office when the phone rang, and he told his PA -
0:07:55 > 0:08:00There's an outbreak of Tourettes amongst our senior politicians!
0:08:00 > 0:08:04- I quite like it.- People with Tourettes, what makes them tic?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Eric Pickles, how did he spend Sunday evening?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Was he eating?
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Funnily enough, yes. He presented the British Curry Awards.
0:08:17 > 0:08:22- They couldn't get David Miliband? - No, they wanted Pickles. He said...
0:08:27 > 0:08:33By way of a joke. On the subject of food, what did we learn about Boris Johnson's tastes this week? No?
0:08:33 > 0:08:37He likes cheese on toast, which was the recipe he submitted for a charity recipe book.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Paul and Grayson, here's yours.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Right, erm...
0:08:49 > 0:08:53I can't remember him at college!
0:08:53 > 0:08:55A bit of old-fashioned sort of painting.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59Abstract expressionism went out in the 1950s.
0:08:59 > 0:09:04- He should be doing installation art? - Yeah.- Chopping himself up and pickling himself in brine?
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Her name is Maceba.
0:09:06 > 0:09:11She started painting with her owner, Rhona, and ITN reported on this story when it began.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18That's a bit of news, isn't it?
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Is it an exhibit in the Grand National Gallery?
0:09:23 > 0:09:24I thought that was quite good!
0:09:24 > 0:09:28How do you think Rhona the owner explained the horse's burst of creativity?
0:09:28 > 0:09:33- "It's not winning races, this way it might make some money."- No.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40He's saying, "Get this bloody paintbrush out of my mouth!"
0:09:40 > 0:09:46Is the brush made out of horse hair? That could be disturbing for him. It might be his cousin in his mouth.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50I can't help but think that these animals are coerced into painting
0:09:50 > 0:09:53and don't really know what they're doing. Have a look at this.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Sorry, what am I looking at?
0:09:55 > 0:09:59Is this some sort of psychedelic Go Compare advert?
0:10:00 > 0:10:04If that picture's been done by a horse, I think it's brilliant!
0:10:07 > 0:10:12This is a particular painting style. This should interest you, Grayson.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15It might not. I'm not interested in painting, I'm interested in
0:10:15 > 0:10:20installations, not some corny idea about what artists are interested in.
0:10:20 > 0:10:25- I didn't think you would be difficult, to be honest. - I just don't like to be pigeon-holed!
0:10:25 > 0:10:27- As an artist?- I never touched you!
0:10:27 > 0:10:30No, as a transvestite, of course!
0:10:31 > 0:10:33This is Chinese artist Liu Bolin.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35That's Liu on the left.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39Yes, he paints himself to match the background.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41That's right. Here's the invisible man in Venice.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44He likes to take the colour of whatever he's standing next to.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46A bit like Nick Clegg.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52The Daily Mail website had him in various poses.
0:10:52 > 0:10:57In this astonishing image, he merges into the rubble after the earthquake in Sichuan.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01Although Ellie, 27, from London, says, "I can still see him!"
0:11:06 > 0:11:10He could do some photos where he's not actually there and say, "They're my best works!"
0:11:12 > 0:11:15What drove him to express himself this way was -
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Whatever.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Talking of suitable work, Grayson, haven't you just been driving around Germany
0:11:28 > 0:11:32- on a pink bike with your teddy bear on the back?- Yes.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36It's not a question if you haven't been.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39I've taken my teddy bear around Germany.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42On a kind of exchange visit with the Pope.
0:11:42 > 0:11:47- That was his Popemobile. - Exactly, you can see that.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Was he advocating the use of condoms?
0:11:49 > 0:11:53- He's pretty free and easy on the philosophical end of things.- Good.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57That was an extraordinary bit of news this week, wasn't it? The Pope saying you can use condoms.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01If I wanted advice about sex from an old man in a dress, I'll ask Grayson!
0:12:07 > 0:12:12- How did Berlusconi upset the art world this week?- With a magnetic penis.- He's got a magnetic penis?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14No fridge is safe!
0:12:16 > 0:12:20- You want to watch out if you're the Iron Lady.- Indeed.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23The Ironing Lady's got something to worry about as well.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27- What's that story?- He had a statue restored at his villa. Is that right?
0:12:27 > 0:12:33He had the penis stuck back on, but for some reason they made it so they could take it off again.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35They made it magnetic.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37- It wasn't just the penis. - And a hand.
0:12:37 > 0:12:42Sorry, they've restored a statue and you can take the hand off, and take the penis off?
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Nice that you'd be able to swap them as well.
0:12:45 > 0:12:50Is there any activity that would lead to stress on both the hand and the penis?
0:12:50 > 0:12:54These are the art world's up-and-coming rivals to Grayson Perry.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58Chinese artist Liu Bolin is an expert at making himself invisible.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02Here he is in front of the Great Wall of China, in front of a gondola in Venice,
0:13:02 > 0:13:05and here he is flying a Stealth Bomber.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10Also this week, Silvio Berlusconi has spent thousands of pounds
0:13:10 > 0:13:13restoring new genitals to the statue of Mars in his office.
0:13:13 > 0:13:18Not the first time he's asked highly-paid experts to work their magic on an ancient penis.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21So...
0:13:21 > 0:13:25So, to round two, the Picture Spin Quiz. Fingers on buzzers.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34This is a number of people who are advocating teaching Latin and Greek in schools.
0:13:34 > 0:13:39- Ah...- Boris, Joanna Lumley and Sir Tom Stoppard.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- And...- I think I'm there.- Yes.- But you haven't put me in the picture.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45No, you're with the invisible Chinaman.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50It's a campaign suggesting it might be a good idea to teach Latin and
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Greek in schools, and I think it's a very good idea, and so do they.
0:13:53 > 0:13:58So, unfortunately, I'm agreeing with Boris, which is obviously embarrassing.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Boris Johnson told the press...
0:14:04 > 0:14:11The Sunday Times ran a quick Latin test using some Latin phrases that might work in the modern world.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Translate this one for us?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15This feels like an anxiety dream now -
0:14:15 > 0:14:18somehow we're on television doing Latin homework, I...
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Absolutely. "I can't get excited about the Latin language,
0:14:21 > 0:14:24"it's not possible, teacher, for me to be interested."
0:14:24 > 0:14:28No, no, no! Do it again, boy!
0:14:35 > 0:14:38- Try and do this one.- Nope.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40- Nothing for you.- "It's true!
0:14:40 > 0:14:44"Boy..." Who's Subsidulus, is he a footballer?
0:14:44 > 0:14:47"And has put three goals past us..."
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Not bad, not bad!
0:14:55 > 0:14:57I was on my way.
0:14:57 > 0:15:02This is the campaign to have Latin taught in state schools, even though critics point out
0:15:02 > 0:15:06that Latin is a dead language with no place in modern English, per se.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Fingers on your buzzers.
0:15:13 > 0:15:18Is this the bishop that said, "I'll give it seven years"? He's running a book on the Royal Wedding.
0:15:18 > 0:15:23The sign on the back of his dress there looks like that sign for hazardous waste.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29He's the Bishop of Willesden, and he got into trouble because he went on Facebook,
0:15:29 > 0:15:32to record his thoughts about the Royal Wedding,
0:15:32 > 0:15:37saying it was "nauseating tosh", all the coverage of it.
0:15:37 > 0:15:42He said he's, erm, he'd avoided the last wedding between Big Ears and the Porcelain Doll.
0:15:42 > 0:15:47So he got into a lot of trouble. And he's recanted.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49He said the Royal Family was...
0:15:50 > 0:15:54- Not all untrue. - He compared the couple to...
0:15:58 > 0:16:05Sounds a bit grumpy. But since, he's had a radical change of heart, though, saying...
0:16:13 > 0:16:17With that speed of backtrack, he shouldn't be in the C of E, he should be in the Lib Dems.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22They've named 29th April as the day.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Yes, it's St Catherine's day.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- It's David Icke's birthday. - Oh, right.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31- It's actually the day that Hitler and Eva Braun got married. - Wow, the romance!
0:16:31 > 0:16:35Was that three days before they committed suicide, then?
0:16:35 > 0:16:39- They killed themselves the next day. - The bishop thinks they're going to last seven years.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Obviously Kate was given a lovely, snazzy ring last week.
0:16:43 > 0:16:49She's also, according to the News of the World, been given another special piece of jewellery...
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Or maybe the News of the World made that up.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00They had been predicting that those two would get married for about ten years.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04- They were right, though, weren't they?- Yeah, I know.
0:17:04 > 0:17:10- Monkeys and typewriters. - I haven't seen the wedding list. I wouldn't know what to get 'em.
0:17:12 > 0:17:17The Royal Family has announced an April date for Prince William and Kate Middleton's wedding.
0:17:17 > 0:17:22- Lovely.- According to the Daily Express, Liberal Democrats feared an April wedding because it would...
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Wouldn't take a wedding, a dog on a skateboard would do that!
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46This is North Korea, surely, launching a missile attack on South Korea.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49The talk is, he's going and his son is taking over, Kim Jong-un.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51So it might be a show of strength for him.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54It's a strange case of, we won't invade North Korea.
0:17:54 > 0:17:59Because they have got weapons of mass destruction, and we know that.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Do you know what exactly the North Koreans are threatening?
0:18:02 > 0:18:07They're very blood-curdling, the North Koreans - it's usually fire, brimstone, death, hail...
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Very, very precise, actually.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20Politics over there's pretty rough, isn't it? It's man eats dog.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28Sarah Palin - did anyone hear what she had to say? This is quite fresh, this one.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31I can't believe she knows where North Korea is.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33She gave a radio interview - the host said...
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Our Foreign Secretary, William Hague, said...
0:18:58 > 0:19:00To which the North Koreans replied,
0:19:00 > 0:19:03"Who? Oh, baseball cap hotel share boy, yeah!"
0:19:05 > 0:19:08There are simpler ways to resolve conflicts.
0:19:08 > 0:19:13Have a look at this from the Argentinean Parliament. It happened during a budget debate this week.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24I like the fact they take it seriously.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26They genuinely look as if they care.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29These are the opening shots of World War III.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Kim Jong-il's heir apparent, Kim Jong-un,
0:19:31 > 0:19:36was educated in Switzerland, where he was mercilessly teased every time he tried to say "Toblerone".
0:19:36 > 0:19:40Obviously I think that kind of thing's just razy lacism.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47It's time now for the Odd One Out round. They are -
0:19:47 > 0:19:50David Blunkett's dog, Sadie,
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Church of Scotland Moderator John Christie,
0:19:52 > 0:19:53Fox News,
0:19:53 > 0:19:56and a motorboater from the Isle of Sheppey.
0:19:56 > 0:20:01What is a Moderator in the Church of Scotland - somebody going, "Leave it, you've had enough"?
0:20:02 > 0:20:07Is it anything to do with... David Blunkett's dog led him into the wrong part of the House of Commons
0:20:07 > 0:20:11for a vote, because the dog was so used to being on the Labour side.
0:20:11 > 0:20:16Somebody being led in the wrong direction. I think we'll have to guess. What do you think, Grayson?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19- Fox News.- Definitely.- It's Fox News. - There we are, he's right.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23Yes, they've all got a poor sense of direction, apart from Fox News,
0:20:23 > 0:20:27although they did make a geographical faux pas relating to the Beatles.
0:20:27 > 0:20:33Reporting on the Beatles' back catalogue finally being available on iTunes, the website said...
0:20:37 > 0:20:41Fox News was horrified at the gaffe, and said they'd be apologising
0:20:41 > 0:20:43personally to John Lennon and George Harrison.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47They have now resolved the dispute between Apple Inc, the computer people,
0:20:47 > 0:20:51and Apple Corps, the Beatles people, as discussed on BBC News 24.
0:20:51 > 0:20:56- This was Guy Goma, who'd been waiting for a job interview in the BBC's IT department...- Oh, yes.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00..but was accidentally mistaken for a technology expert called Guy Kewney,
0:21:00 > 0:21:04and found himself being interviewed live on air. It's worth a look.
0:21:04 > 0:21:09So, what does this all mean for the industry and the growth of music online?
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Well, Guy Kewney is the editor of the technology website...
0:21:15 > 0:21:18- Good morning.- Were you surprised by this verdict today?
0:21:18 > 0:21:25I'm very surprised to see... this verdict to come on me, because I wasn't expecting that.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28When I came, they told me something else, and I am coming.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32"You've got an interview," so it was a very big surprise anyway.
0:21:33 > 0:21:38- I love the fact he just went with it. - I know, he had a go! - "I'm very surprised, yeah.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40"I'm more surprised than you imagine."
0:21:40 > 0:21:42It does make you wonder how many other
0:21:42 > 0:21:46interviewees that you've watched have just been delivering a package.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50Well, I just came in to do the make-up.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Thank God you didn't get that job.
0:21:55 > 0:22:01The Church of Scotland Moderator, John Christie, made a slight navigational error
0:22:01 > 0:22:04during Pope Benedict XVI's state visit in September.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08He was to meet the Pope as part of the welcome party, which included Nick Clegg,
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Alex Salmond and the Archbishop of Canterbury. But he made a wrong turn in Holyrood,
0:22:12 > 0:22:16and he ended up sitting in a completely different room, on his own.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19- All afternoon.- Did he think, "Everybody else has got it wrong"?
0:22:21 > 0:22:26It did emerge recently that a previous Pope enjoyed a good chinwag with someone rather surprising.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28The Devil?
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Erm, it was lovable sports drunk Gazza.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46I think one of his friends was pulling his leg. Or he was drunk.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48What, you think someone fooled Paul Gascoigne?
0:22:50 > 0:22:53The motorboater from the Isle of Sheppey had to be rescued by lifeboat
0:22:53 > 0:22:58after running out of fuel whilst going round and round the Isle of Sheppey for 36 hours.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Do you know what he was trying to do?
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Stop going around the Isle of Sheppey.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06He was trying to get from Gillingham to Southampton.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07One of his rescuers explained -
0:23:17 > 0:23:23There will be some mawkish film about it by Richard Curtis, "The Man Who Went Left" or something.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Are you not a fan of Richard Curtis films?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29No, I love them. Can't you tell from the tone of my voice?
0:23:29 > 0:23:30Yeah...
0:23:32 > 0:23:35I don't like it when Mummy and Daddy fight.
0:23:40 > 0:23:45Sadie, the former Home Secretary's guide dog, recently announced her retirement after eight years.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48- She recently announced her retirement?!- Yes! Yes, she did.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51HE BARKS ANGRILY
0:23:55 > 0:24:00David Blunkett's previous guide dog, Lucy, who was Sadie's half-sister...
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Haven't we all?
0:24:05 > 0:24:09It's time now for the Missing Words Round,
0:24:09 > 0:24:14which this week features as its guest publication The Letterbox Study Group Newsletter.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18The magazine features photos of different kinds of postboxes, like this one.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24To date, none of the readers have spotted that there was a woman in that photo as well.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26And we start with...
0:24:28 > 0:24:29Are you dead?
0:24:31 > 0:24:32Bruce Forsyth?
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Fancy a good night's sleep?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Hungry?
0:24:45 > 0:24:50Try that on Christmas morning! "Lovely, what is it? It's a funny shape."
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- "Grandad's come back to say hello!" - Next...
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Can you come up with a witty answer?
0:25:02 > 0:25:03And the answer is...
0:25:10 > 0:25:14Yes, this is of course from the Letterbox Newsletter, and as it happens,
0:25:14 > 0:25:18postmen can't tell the difference between house number 12 and house number 83.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Although amazingly, they can tell the difference between
0:25:21 > 0:25:25a birthday card with a necklace in it for my niece and one without.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28- Oh, that sounded personal.- It was.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36It's a particular type of letter box.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38A Copper Ronnie.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Michael Buble?
0:25:46 > 0:25:49If you prefer the South American models, feast your eyes on this baby,
0:25:49 > 0:25:54the autumn 2010 pin-up, all the way from Uruguay.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Ain't she a doozy?
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Looks like Ann Widdecombe.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02A firm Ann Widdecombe.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Oh, I wish I hadn't said that.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Ooh!
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Diaries.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18- Lots of moles keep me in winter underwear.- Yeah, against my will.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Is that true?
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Keep your skin... erm, young.
0:26:28 > 0:26:33Human moles, obviously. According to the Times, the findings by a team at King's College London...
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Otherwise known as "a slow news week".
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Finally...
0:26:45 > 0:26:50Oh, it's going to be another number, isn't it, like LZ24891, yeah...
0:26:50 > 0:26:51- Try another one.- L...
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Er, LPG49W.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58WB, WB, WB, WB...
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Good game, WB, WB...
0:27:01 > 0:27:07- WBL!- WB2075/2 box.- I knew his brother.- There you go.
0:27:07 > 0:27:12And so, the final scores are, Ian and Jimmy with a massive seven, and Paul and Grayson with a titchy five.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Oh, never mind.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18APPLAUSE
0:27:20 > 0:27:23But, before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26"Do you want to marry my other son?"
0:27:26 > 0:27:30Is he saying, "I've got a hole in my coat pocket"?
0:27:37 > 0:27:40I leave you with news that whilst inspecting the underground in Rome,
0:27:40 > 0:27:44Silvio Berlusconi's Transport Minister saved some seats for her colleagues.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Is that invisible Chinese man in there somewhere?
0:27:55 > 0:28:00In Oxford, journalists uncover the shadowy millionaire behind a network of animal testing centres.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07And evidence that after a recent wedding anniversary,
0:28:07 > 0:28:09one disappointed wife would have preferred cash.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15- That's what happened to your niece's necklace!- Yes!
0:28:15 > 0:28:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:22 > 0:28:24And on that bombshell, I say goodnight!
0:28:52 > 0:28:55Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:55 > 0:28:58E-mail: subtitling@bbc.co.uk