0:00:25 > 0:00:28APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42I'm Lee Mack. In the news this week, in Downing Street, Samantha Cameron
0:00:42 > 0:00:46tries not to panic as she realises her husband has overdone the Botox.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54In the Midlands, as temperatures plummet and the country grinds
0:00:54 > 0:00:57to a standstill, the emergency services leap into action.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Outside a surgery in London, a Strictly Come Dancing researcher
0:01:05 > 0:01:08awaits treatment after catching a glimpse of a naked Ann Widdecombe.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19On Ian Hislop's team is a Geordie comedian who has been described
0:01:19 > 0:01:23as the Bridget Jones of comedy - though, of course, without the big white knickers.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27She's from Newcastle - she's doesn't wear knickers. Please welcome Sarah Millican.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31APPLAUSE
0:01:33 > 0:01:36And with Paul Merton tonight is a left-wing politician who recently
0:01:36 > 0:01:40said the coalition spending cuts were beyond Margaret Thatcher's wildest dreams.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44Dreams which co-incidentally regularly featured his head on a spike.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Please welcome Ken Livingstone.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50APPLAUSE
0:01:52 > 0:01:54And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Paul and Ken, take a look at this.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- Yes, thank you for the clue. A big eagle.- A leak.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00Yes. Lots of people.
0:02:00 > 0:02:05- They can't stand each other, we now know. He's mad.- Yes.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08He's angry. He's bent, did you say?
0:02:08 > 0:02:12All those arms deals. And these two. No, none of them like each other.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16No, don't they? This is the old ambassador's chocolate advert.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19So there's been a lot of leaks where people have found out what people really think about each other.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Correct. And where, particularly, did they find these leaks?
0:02:22 > 0:02:27On WikiLeaks. And the poor guy who has done it all is now desperately looking for somewhere safe to hide.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30He's actually under here. "Hello, Julian."
0:02:33 > 0:02:38Leave it, leave it. Leave it, Lee.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41It's not BBC1, Saturday night.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- Leave it, leave it.- There's almost nothing in this you didn't know.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Everyone at the top hates everybody else.
0:02:45 > 0:02:50I was delighted, I finally got a mention. The American ambassador said I was too cosy
0:02:50 > 0:02:54with dictators like Fidel Castro. Big news, you know?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57And evidence that the US aren't always wrong.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01You called the US ambassador something as well.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05A chiselling little crook, because he wouldn't pay the congestion charge.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07- He wouldn't pay the what?- He wouldn't pay the congestion charge.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11- And once the Americans stopped, all the others stopped.- Exactly.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13They've got it all sewn up, these diplomats.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17You take the extreme example, diplomats occasionally rape someone,
0:03:17 > 0:03:19they just get sent home, we can't arrest them.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21It's awful. No, not just the congestion charge.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Ken, Ken, let's keep it light.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29Can you reduce it to a sexual assault?
0:03:29 > 0:03:32I don't know if it's my slightly paranoid brain, having been bullied
0:03:32 > 0:03:36as a child, but I'm waiting for my name to pop up and just for it to say,
0:03:36 > 0:03:39"She didn't have any boobs at 16."
0:03:39 > 0:03:42It's not that much ruder than everybody else, really.
0:03:42 > 0:03:47You read it and you think, "Well, I have occasionally closed the door on someone saying, 'Lovely evening.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49'God, you're a bore!'"
0:03:49 > 0:03:54To be fair, you've never closed the door at a dinner party and said, "I think you should attack Iran."
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Or, actually, maybe you have!
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Why would you invite them to your party?
0:04:00 > 0:04:01Who are they? We want to know.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03OK, Ahmadinejad,
0:04:05 > 0:04:10Kim Jong Il - he's a real bore and terrible at dinner -
0:04:10 > 0:04:14and President Sarkozy, who is very rude. Oh, and Prince Andrew.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18But, I mean, that's just an average evening at my place.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Prince Andrew was part of the leaks. What did we learn about Prince Andrew?
0:04:21 > 0:04:27This was unbelievable! Prince Andrew, apparently, is very rude and stupid.
0:04:27 > 0:04:33He said the bloody journalists constantly try and shove their noses
0:04:33 > 0:04:38into business that doesn't concern them. Like major corruption deals!
0:04:38 > 0:04:41He referred to them as:
0:04:43 > 0:04:47That's the highest praise from a member of the royal family.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51The Guardian had a theory about the reason for Andrew's behaviour, do we know what that was?
0:04:51 > 0:04:53He's a dick?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55They said it was:
0:05:03 > 0:05:06That's one way of putting it.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10One senior diplomat leapt to Andrew's defence. He said:
0:05:16 > 0:05:18That counts as diplomacy!
0:05:18 > 0:05:23Isn't the Iranian thing slightly reassuring, that everybody does hate them after all?
0:05:23 > 0:05:30Most of the local Arab governments that hate the Iranians aren't pretty much fun either, frankly.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Are you saying the Saudis are not an open and loving...?
0:05:33 > 0:05:38You will recall I said I look forward to the day I saw the Saudi royal family swinging from the lamppost.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Ghastly bunk of crooks, they are.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Always been a moderate, haven't you, Ken?
0:05:43 > 0:05:47I say it again, Ken, keep it light!
0:05:47 > 0:05:51How did Prince Hassan of Jordan describe the leaks?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54An incredible torrent of beauty.
0:05:54 > 0:05:55No, he said:
0:05:57 > 0:06:00No, he did. Either he misheard it or that's the first example I've heard
0:06:00 > 0:06:03of a Jordanian joke.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05No, I like the really shocking ones like Andrew.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09And Berlusconi, apparently, is sex mad!
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Who'd have known?! He certainly kept that pretty quiet!
0:06:13 > 0:06:16- He's under here as well.- Is he?!
0:06:16 > 0:06:18They actually said about Berlusconi, he was:
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Although Berlusconi released a statement saying:
0:06:35 > 0:06:39And after dinner we have a game of bunga-bunga.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Barack Obama, what did he say about David Cameron?
0:06:41 > 0:06:45- Lightweight.- Right. The Americans came out officially and said:
0:06:48 > 0:06:51VERY lightweight.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55- Who else have we learned about this week?- The Koreans.- Yes.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57How was he described, Kim Jong Il?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59- Ronery?- What?!
0:07:03 > 0:07:05No, flabby.
0:07:05 > 0:07:10Flabby old chap, quite a good drinker, who prances around stadiums seeking adulation.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13That sounds like a compliment, doesn't it, "Quite a good drinker"?
0:07:13 > 0:07:15We'd take that as a compliment, wouldn't we?
0:07:15 > 0:07:18You'd take flabby as a compliment in Newcastle, wouldn't you?
0:07:18 > 0:07:22This is the WikiLeaks scandal, which has been described as:
0:07:23 > 0:07:29So, with WikiLeaks clearly to blame, prepare for the US invasion of Wikipedia.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32One of the leaks described an unnamed Labour Minister
0:07:32 > 0:07:35as a manic depressive with an eye for the ladies.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41That's what happens when men get to a certain age.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45The source of the leak is said to be Private Bradley Manning.
0:07:45 > 0:07:50According to the Times, Manning boasted online of how he downloaded the secret files...
0:07:53 > 0:07:57If only you'd have left it at that, son, the whole world would have been behind you.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Ian and Sarah, what's all this about?
0:08:00 > 0:08:01Students being kettled.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Oh, and that's Vince playing hopscotch.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07That's Ed Miliband meeting the public. Keep that hat on.
0:08:07 > 0:08:12Ann Widdecombe, yeah. Getting ready for Strictly.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Oh, abandoning. Fair enough.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Oh, blimey. He's just seen Ann Widdecombe.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20And he's just hired Ann Widdecombe.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24I don't know why he's in the news.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27I know the student bit. Is that they've been protesting again?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29- They have. What about?- Student fees.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33What has Vince Cable announced?
0:08:33 > 0:08:37He's announced the policy of putting up student fees but he's not necessarily going to vote for it.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41He says he agrees with it, but that doesn't mean he's going to vote for it.
0:08:41 > 0:08:47- Which is quite weird.- And who won't care too much about whether tuition fees have gone up any more?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49People in their 30s?
0:08:49 > 0:08:53Or old age pensioners, as you call them in Newcastle.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- Wales.- Wales. - The Welsh, yes.- Yeah, it was Wales.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02The Welsh Assembly announced that Welsh students would not have to pay the increase in fees.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05People are very annoyed. Only English people will be
0:09:05 > 0:09:09paying these very heavy tuition fees. So they got very excited.
0:09:09 > 0:09:14And some of them got excited enough to go to London and be hit on the head with batons.
0:09:14 > 0:09:20Well, yeah, because normally when you think of students you think of lazy, don't you?
0:09:20 > 0:09:25And now you can't because some of them are missing, like, whole days of telly.
0:09:25 > 0:09:30I'm assuming they've all got Sky Plus and that's why they feel free to protest.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34What I thought was I like the fact now that people are also bringing
0:09:34 > 0:09:36a sense of humour to the slogans and, like, placards.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40And one placard at the demonstration simply said "Political slogan",
0:09:40 > 0:09:44- which I quite liked.- That's nice.
0:09:44 > 0:09:49Do you think that was from a template that they were supposed to have changed?
0:09:49 > 0:09:52A student was interviewed and said:
0:10:03 > 0:10:07According to George Osborne, what's the good news on the economic front this week?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Eh... We're all in it together.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14It's not got worse than we thought it would be.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Oh, you're such a ray of sunshine!
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Come on. It's bleeding awful out there.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Does the phrase lighten... ?
0:10:22 > 0:10:25We've been doing the cuts, we've been doing WikiLeaks.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28When are we getting on to the saucy jokes?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Saucy jokes?
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Have you got saucy jokes lined up? Forget all this rubbish.
0:10:35 > 0:10:40Let's go for that angle, then. What did George Osborne say this week about two nuns in a bath?
0:10:41 > 0:10:45- He enjoyed them immensely. - And any other Conservatives shown their caring side this week?
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Howard Flight, was it?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51The newly-created Tory peer said the tax and benefit system:
0:10:57 > 0:11:01How many people sit there as they're about to have sex, thinking about those things?
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Me.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06I've got a pocket calculator going.
0:11:06 > 0:11:11I know a lot of Tory MPs who, when they're going to have sex, think about the financial implications.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17And what's David Cameron been up to this week?
0:11:17 > 0:11:22World Cup bid, which, as we speak now, the nation is jumping up and down with glee.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25But we just don't know which nation it is.
0:11:25 > 0:11:30We're recording before we know the result of the World Cup bid. We have to keep our options open.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34But what chance did we have with those cheating foreign bastards, anyway?
0:11:34 > 0:11:38It was quite... I found it quite odd that they took Beckham.
0:11:38 > 0:11:44I know he's obviously a brilliant footballer etc, but he's not good with words, is he?
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Was he just doing, like, keepy-ups in the background
0:11:47 > 0:11:52while the other two did the talking? There was a clip on the radio that I heard where he said,
0:11:52 > 0:11:57"Football's very important to our country and it's in our dinner... Ooh - DNA."
0:11:57 > 0:12:00He genuinely said that. Like he'd seen it written down
0:12:00 > 0:12:03and he'd heard it, but he'd not put the two together.
0:12:03 > 0:12:08What's David Cameron been in trouble with the PC lobby this week?
0:12:08 > 0:12:12He recounted a joke someone else had made about the Speaker, John Bercow.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Correct.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17The joke was that some Tory MP had banged into John Bercow's car.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Bercow had said, "I'm not happy."
0:12:19 > 0:12:23And then the MP had said "Well, which dwarf ARE you?"
0:12:27 > 0:12:31Whilst the Government are upsetting the poor and the tiny, what's Ed Miliband been up to?
0:12:31 > 0:12:35He's got a blank sheet. He was asked what his policies are, and he said, "We're starting again."
0:12:35 > 0:12:39It's the new Labour policy. "Got any ideas? I haven't."
0:12:41 > 0:12:44What else has Ed announced this week? Got a new catchphrase.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48I can't believe it's not Labour.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Oh, no!
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Was that the catchphrase?
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- That's a good catchphrase. - It's actually "Beyond New Labour."
0:12:58 > 0:13:02He was compared to Buzz Lightyear because of this.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05There was a hilarious put-down by Tory MP, Gavin Barwell.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Oh, those Tory MPs!
0:13:15 > 0:13:19Ed is actually consulting with the people on Labour's new direction.
0:13:19 > 0:13:24He's set up a discussion group on Twitter. Would you like to see what people have tweeted?
0:13:24 > 0:13:27- Yes. Very, very much, please. - Rosycottage says:
0:13:34 > 0:13:35Nataliewh:
0:13:43 > 0:13:45And peregr1n:
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Why does an earthworm need to be sharpened?
0:13:50 > 0:13:53In case you forgot your darts.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55In case you forgot your darts, you sharpen an earthworm?!
0:13:55 > 0:13:58What else are you going to sharpen to throw in the dartboard?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00An earthworm would be one of my least favourite choices.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04Yes, this is another week of political upheaval.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08Ed Miliband has distanced himself from the New Labour years, proudly declaring:
0:14:09 > 0:14:13Blimey. So, that's just him, Ken and North Korea left, then.
0:14:13 > 0:14:18It was a disappointing week for former spin doctor Alastair Campbell, who narrowly missed out
0:14:18 > 0:14:19on a Bad Sex Award.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23The annual prize given to authors who write bad sex scenes.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25And Campbell's normally really good at sexing up documents.
0:14:25 > 0:14:31The winner was Rowan Somerville who impressed the judges with lines such as:
0:14:38 > 0:14:41They should have gone for the Blair stuff.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44That was the most excruciating sex I've ever s... read about.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48You nearly said "saw"!
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Through the windows at Number Ten, up the top of a ladder, in the bedroom, with the glasses.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55Peter Stringfellow offered to repay his winter fuel allowance this week.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58The first George Osborne knew about it was when he felt a wrinkled hand
0:14:58 > 0:15:01shoving 400 quid down the front of his thong.
0:15:01 > 0:15:06And so to round two, the one-armed bandit of news.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Here's the first one.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14BUZZER
0:15:15 > 0:15:19This is the man who's got all these millions of pounds' worth of paintings, Picasso's paintings,
0:15:19 > 0:15:25which were bequeathed to him by Picasso in exchange for him fitting an electric blanket.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27He's an electrician.
0:15:27 > 0:15:32The family of Picasso are claiming that maybe he didn't receive them as a gift.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35The former electrician claims he was given the pictures by the artist in the 1970s,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40That's quite ironic, isn't it?
0:15:40 > 0:15:43He's done work for other artists.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Apparently, he fitted a junction box to a zebra for Salvador Dali.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48So...
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Someone else has shown a surprising aptitude for art this week.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56- Who was that?- Some sort of animal?
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Yeah. Wayne Rooney.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01You're now expecting a really bad painting.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Potato prints is what I'm expecting.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07This is his bowl of fruit.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11It's all right, isn't it? It's better than I could do, that.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14I say he was good - he was actually drawing Gary Neville.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20Art critics have commented on the way that Wayne's painting manages to look at the fruit with fresh eyes.
0:16:20 > 0:16:25Which is fair enough because he's probably never seen fruit before.
0:16:25 > 0:16:30- Can anyone guess what the Sun's headlines was?- Yes, given time and a certain amount of drugs.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Not "Roonbrant"?
0:16:35 > 0:16:37No.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41I thought they should have gone with "Hay-Wayne".
0:16:41 > 0:16:44- That's brilliant.- I wouldn't go that far, but thanks for patronising me.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47This is the French electrician, who's been accused of stealing
0:16:47 > 0:16:52paintings worth £50 million, whilst doing some work at Picasso's house.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54To be fair, if he really wanted to rob him of 50 million he could
0:16:54 > 0:16:58have just billed him for a couple of extra sockets and an outside light.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Picasso had the burglar alarm fitted after a spate of thefts.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Police never caught the culprit, in spite of releasing an artist's impression.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Here's the next one.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Are those potatoes?
0:17:16 > 0:17:18You know that's not the answer to the question.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Have I Got Vegetables For You? Is that what this is called?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24It is some weeks.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27- I've no idea. Have you? - No.- We don't know, either.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29I thought everyone knew this.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33- I know it.- What is it? - I'll have a look.
0:17:33 > 0:17:38It's Chris Voigt, who has eaten nothing but potatoes for the last two months.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42He's the executive director of the Washington Potato Commission.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44His mission was to prove that:
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Has anyone said it was the scourge of the Earth?
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Chris had to skip the traditional Thanksgiving meal recently.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54What did he have instead?
0:17:54 > 0:17:55Potatoes.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- Roast potato.- No.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02- Just potato.- It's a type of potato. - Baked?- No.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- Mash?- Mash, but mashed what?
0:18:05 > 0:18:07- Potato.- Correct.
0:18:08 > 0:18:13In other food news, what was auctioned for £410 this week?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15A boiled egg that was once eaten by Queen Victoria.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21- You can't have it both ways. - She did.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Shall I give you a clue?
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Do you want me to mime it?
0:18:25 > 0:18:27- Yeah.- Giant.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31- Tooth. - How do you eat your own teeth?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Times are hard.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36It rhymes with bustard cream.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Custard Cream, then.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43A giant one. Or maybe it's normal sized, and two Borrowers eating it.
0:18:43 > 0:18:49A study claimed an estimated 25 million people in Britain had been injured by biscuits.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14This is American Chris Voigt, who has eaten nothing but potatoes for the past two months.
0:19:14 > 0:19:20Voigt doubled the original length of his potato-only diet to 60 days because, as he said:
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Unless it involves a promise and Nick Clegg.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Time now for the odd one out round.
0:19:30 > 0:19:37The four are, Harrison Ford, ITV1's breakfast show, Daybreak, Stephen Fry and Sunday April 11th, 1954.
0:19:37 > 0:19:42- I think that's the only date that nothing happened on.- Almost.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- It's the most what of the century? - Boring.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Correct.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48Until today.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53- Sorry.- I've had a lovely day.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Nothing at all happened in 1954 on that day?
0:19:55 > 0:19:59It's a computer programme, where they put in all the facts of what happened when,
0:19:59 > 0:20:02and that's the day that's come up with the least things have happened.
0:20:02 > 0:20:07Right. After finding that every day of the last century had at least one major occurrence,
0:20:07 > 0:20:10computer programmer William Tunstall-Pedoe
0:20:10 > 0:20:14had calculated April 11th 1954 as the most boring day in the twentieth century.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16We've now established that that's boring.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19The Daybreak couple aren't exactly exhilarating.
0:20:19 > 0:20:25- Maybe they're boring as well. - Do you not like them? - I've not watched them.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27I've not liked them enough to watch them.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31- Do you watch the other side? - No, it's morning, love. I don't do mornings.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- Stephen Fry is the odd one out cos he's clearly not boring.- No.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36He's been labelled boring as well.
0:20:36 > 0:20:41They have all been branded boring apart from ITV's Daybreak, which was described
0:20:41 > 0:20:45in much more critical terms by its presenter Adrian Chiles this week.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47- He said it was a disaster. - According to the Sunday Mirror:
0:20:53 > 0:20:56I'm not sure they've quite understood the essential feature of a four-letter word there.
0:21:00 > 0:21:05- Did he do it on the actual show, though? - No. He didn't get 7:00am Tourette's.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08"Welcome to A Crock of Shite."
0:21:08 > 0:21:10He actually told the Guardian:
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Maybe he should read Heat magazine instead.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Chiles isn't the only presenter having trouble this week.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Let's look at Charlie Stayt on BBC Breakfast.
0:21:46 > 0:21:53More than two million people have put money into Irish banks... FARTS
0:21:53 > 0:21:59- He could have got away with that, had she not given him a look.- Again! - I'd like to see that again.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03More than two million people have put money... FARTS
0:22:06 > 0:22:07It's a buzzer, isn't it?
0:22:07 > 0:22:09It sounds like a buzzer.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11- RINGS - Not that buzzer.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Is that the noise you make?!
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Harrison Ford, the Indiana Jones star, was recently described as
0:22:18 > 0:22:23boring by one of the UK's most feared and respected film critics.
0:22:23 > 0:22:28- Oh, sorry. No. Claudia Winkleman. - Which film did she think was boring?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30She said that HE was boring. She told the Mirror:
0:22:36 > 0:22:39That's because Indiana Jones is a character.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Film critic Claudia Winkleman recently described movie star
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Harrison Ford as "a little bit boring."
0:22:45 > 0:22:49Well, I certainly yawned my way through Star Wars, Indiana Jones and Blade Runner,
0:22:49 > 0:22:54and yet Strictly Come Dancing - It Takes Two has me on the edge of my seat.
0:22:54 > 0:23:01Stephen Fry famously quit Twitter last year, after a fellow tweeter said he admired and adored Mr Fry,
0:23:01 > 0:23:04but added that he found his tweets:
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Going back to the date, as well.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12There are a couple of things that did happen. Anyone hazard a guess?
0:23:12 > 0:23:18Yes, Mrs Lillian Morris of 23 Shepton Way, Shepton Mallet, turned into a horse.
0:23:20 > 0:23:25In front of her startled husband, who was expecting something smaller.
0:23:25 > 0:23:26You're close. It was:
0:23:32 > 0:23:37Some may say that April 11 1954 was a boring day. But I know different.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40I happen to know that on that it was that day that an eight-year-old Ken Livingstone
0:23:40 > 0:23:42acquired his first newt.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44It was three years later.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50I think you'll find that's a mi-newt detail.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Is that true, Ken?
0:23:54 > 0:23:57It was a male smooth newt and it was 1957.
0:23:57 > 0:24:03Everyone remembers their first newt, just like their first sex, you know.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07- Don't you?- Did the two things coincide, in your case?
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Time now for the missing words round, which this week features,
0:24:10 > 0:24:14as its guest publication, Mollusc World.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17It's an OK magazine, but not really worth shelling out for.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19GROANS
0:24:19 > 0:24:20We start with:
0:24:23 > 0:24:25The cost of their carbon emissions.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Congestion charge, if Ken gets his way.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31It's only a matter of time until you're back.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34I'm counting down the days.
0:24:34 > 0:24:3617 months. It's going to be a long 17 months.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40- Are you going to be in before the Olympics or after?- Ten weeks before.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43If you get in, are you going to keep the Olympics?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48- Did I get it right?- No, you didn't. You weren't even close.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51But it was a good way of getting across your manifesto.
0:24:56 > 0:25:01This is Angela Duran from Galicia in Spain, who has registered a claim to own the sun,
0:25:01 > 0:25:04so she can charge everyone on Earth for using it.
0:25:04 > 0:25:09Lawyers say technically she can buy the sun, as long as she's resident there for three years first.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Next:
0:25:16 > 0:25:18- Seduced. - Frightened.- Deceived.
0:25:18 > 0:25:19Attacked.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22- Deceived by goats?- Outwitted?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- Rumbled by goats?- What?
0:25:27 > 0:25:28They found out she wasn't a goat?
0:25:28 > 0:25:31There's one here with a crown on, lads.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33The answer is:
0:25:35 > 0:25:39During a state visit to Oman, two goats bowed their heads to the Queen.
0:25:39 > 0:25:40According to BBC News:
0:25:45 > 0:25:49In what Prince Phillip calls Operation Towel Head.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Next:
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Or are you just going to clam up?
0:26:04 > 0:26:06- Are you going to be that shellfish? - That's the answer.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08- Is it?- It is the answer, yes.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17It's a bit of an old joke. The correct answer is because under the coalition Government,
0:26:17 > 0:26:22oysters, like everyone else, don't have enough disposable income to give to charity. Finally:
0:26:24 > 0:26:28Death to the Chuckle Brothers.
0:26:28 > 0:26:34What you said in the Guardian the other day, that reality is the enemy of comedy.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35What did you mean by that?
0:26:35 > 0:26:37I say there's too much realism in comedy.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41Like the Office and stuff. It's good, but too many have copied it.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43There's nothing realistic about two nuns in a bath.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45You've led a sheltered life.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Is that when you first spotted the newts?
0:26:53 > 0:26:56A shrine for the Chuckle Brothers.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02This is 39-year-old Shaun Hope. According to the Sun:
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Making him the only man on the planet who's actually
0:27:07 > 0:27:09more disturbing than the Chuckle Brothers themselves.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16So, the final stores are, Ian and Sarah have six, Paul and Ken have seven.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18APPLAUSE
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Before we go...
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Ken looks incredibly happy there.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29That's a win, Ken. Do you remember that feeling?
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Yes. You voted for the other bugger, you sod.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36If it keeps you unhappy, yes.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition. Paul and Ken get this.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Triplets question mixed parentage.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Ian and Sarah have that.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Every one a winner.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58And I leave you with news that in a bid to kick-start
0:27:58 > 0:28:01his career, Jim Davidson does a night at the Delhi Empire.
0:28:05 > 0:28:10On her first visit to his Hampstead home, there's a shock for Katy Perry
0:28:10 > 0:28:12when Russell brand forgets to clear out the fridge.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20And, after a tense EU summit meeting, the Irish Finance Minister offers to pay for dinner.
0:28:26 > 0:28:27Goodnight.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd