0:00:07 > 0:00:14This programme contains very strong language.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41I'm Miranda Hart.
0:00:41 > 0:00:46In the news this week, for the first time in his life, Boris Johnson doesn't have to lie to his wife
0:00:46 > 0:00:48about why he's come home all hot and sweaty.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57There's a surprise in Downing Street as a member of the public
0:00:57 > 0:01:00delivers a piece of Nick Clegg's missing backbone.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10In Switzerland, Dignitas launches a new service for its clients' pets.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21On Paul Merton's team tonight is a comedian who says
0:01:21 > 0:01:24he first realised he was famous when he was asked to sign someone's boobs.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27I haven't washed them since!
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Please welcome Marcus Brigstocke.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:34 > 0:01:38And with Ian Hislop is a comedian and member of the sketch troop We Are Klang,
0:01:38 > 0:01:42who rely heavily on slapstick and physical comedy to get their laughs.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43There's no future in that.
0:01:43 > 0:01:44Oh-ho!
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Sorry. Will you please welcome Greg Davies?
0:01:50 > 0:01:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Very good.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56That's the way to do it.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00No-one saw that coming. Marvellous.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Paul and Marcus, take a look at this.
0:02:05 > 0:02:11This is the Liberal Democrat MP, Mr Hancock and that's his Russian Aide.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- Possibly a spy.- Yes.- Ooh. Sexy boots.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Are they meant to be Sepp Blatter's boots?
0:02:17 > 0:02:21We're looking forward to the World Cup bid, see how that goes.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Very exciting. That's Julian Assange.
0:02:24 > 0:02:31Congratulations to Russia for successfully winning the World Cup in 2018 by 3-0 in the final.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37This is a mixture of Russia and football and FIFA and the spy or potential spy.
0:02:37 > 0:02:42She might have been studying a Liberal Democrat MP, trying to decide whose side he's on.
0:02:42 > 0:02:48- Right, yes.- He does seem a fairly weird choice.- Does he?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50If you were going to send a spy from Russia,
0:02:50 > 0:02:56whether you would choose, immediately, a backbench Liberal Democrat MP
0:02:56 > 0:02:59for all the hottest information seems...
0:02:59 > 0:03:04Yeah, but they like to have sleep of people, don't they? People who sit around doing nothing for years.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06- They've definitely found one. - Exactly.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09For some reason, Mr Hancock is a honeypot for young Russians.
0:03:13 > 0:03:18- That's not his most flattering picture.- No, that is. That's the best!- Is it?
0:03:18 > 0:03:23How could a spy get through the rigorous Commons vetting procedure for a researchers job?
0:03:23 > 0:03:26There isn't any. If an MP gives you the job, you're in.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29According to a Commons security spokesman...
0:03:37 > 0:03:42No-one suspects Mike Hancock of being involved in espionage though, and why?
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Because our lawyers have asked you to say that.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47One MP told The Times...
0:03:53 > 0:03:58A Euro MP who attended a hotel conference with Mike Hancock said...
0:04:10 > 0:04:11A double mandate.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15- Is that a sort of sex thing? - SHE MOUTHS
0:04:15 > 0:04:21If all this Wikileaks stuff had turned up office, what would you do as an editor of Private Eye?
0:04:21 > 0:04:25Like all journalists, I've said, "Oh, Wikileaks, we all knew that already."
0:04:25 > 0:04:29However, had someone given it to me, I'd have put it all in.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33Risking, perhaps, a trumped-up charge somewhere and deported back to the United States,
0:04:33 > 0:04:35where Sarah Palin wants this guy to be executed?
0:04:35 > 0:04:39- Yeah.- Because that'll stop the Internet, then, you see.
0:04:39 > 0:04:45She said he should be hunted down with the same ferver with which we hunt down al-Qaeda's leaders,
0:04:45 > 0:04:52which, of course, would horrify Mr Assange, as he'd have to live for nine years, undetected, in a cave.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56Assange has been arrested in connection with alleged sexual assault.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58But this is the unusual thing about it.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02This case has already been dropped in Sweden two or three months ago.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06Now it's been restarted by a completely different prosecution in a different part of the country.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09- So it does look a bit odd. - The timing is a bit fishy.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13But then I think we're finding everything a bit curious at the moment.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16I mean, the fact that there's a Lib Dem caught with a woman...
0:05:16 > 0:05:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:23 > 0:05:26It's been suggested that the row over the alleged spy is simply
0:05:26 > 0:05:29retaliation for Russia beating our bid to host the World Cup.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32There is nothing fishy about the World Cup bid at all.
0:05:32 > 0:05:37One of the delegates said to Putin beforehand, "You must come see us in Moscow during the games."
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- Before the vote.- Newspapers were going on because, unfortunately,
0:05:40 > 0:05:43the people who were casting the vote were lying.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47They were saying, "Yes, we'll vote for you. Hee-hee-hee."
0:05:47 > 0:05:51But they didn't do the "hee-hee-hee" bit out loud. If they did, we would have known.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Beckham might not have known. LAUGHTER
0:05:54 > 0:05:57The time when we're slashing the money we're putting into sports
0:05:57 > 0:06:01at schools, we spent £17 million on getting two votes.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02And one of them was our bloke.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04LAUGHTER
0:06:04 > 0:06:07He'd have done it for nothing, he says afterwards.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11Do you know why Beckham decided not to wear the same tie as Cameron and Prince William?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Cos he didn't go to Eton.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15LAUGHTER
0:06:15 > 0:06:18He said, "I didn't want to look like a bastard."
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Sorry...sorry.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23A BA steward, I'm so sorry.
0:06:23 > 0:06:24LAUGHTER
0:06:24 > 0:06:28Prince William gave his all in the pitch to FIFA, did you see it?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31He included his best joke, and please listen out
0:06:31 > 0:06:33for the response he got in the room.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36I know that we can deliver extraordinary public occasions
0:06:36 > 0:06:37and celebrations.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41I certainly hope so, as I'm planning quite a big one myself next year.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43RESTRAINED TITTER
0:06:48 > 0:06:52And you know that was the bloke who wrote the joke, laughing there.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55"Great, William! Loved it, loved the gag."
0:06:55 > 0:06:58It sounds like someone's panicked and gone, "Oh, my goodness,
0:06:58 > 0:07:00- "that's a joke." - LAUGHS MANIACALLY
0:07:00 > 0:07:04- That's what it sounds like. - That wasn't that funny,
0:07:04 > 0:07:08but when they said Britain had fantastic infrastructure...
0:07:08 > 0:07:13that was the day when most of us had spent six hours trying to get on a train to anywhere...
0:07:13 > 0:07:19only to be told, "No, trains don't go, we can't tell you why. Get lost."
0:07:19 > 0:07:23A lot of your world views seem to be formed around the lateness of trains.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Yes, it's a complete obsession.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Getting back to FIFA...
0:07:27 > 0:07:31At least it stops us having eight years of "are we going to win the World Cup?" business.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Stops us going through that nightmare.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37The thing as well... Shall we just do the Olympics and see how we get on?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39- See how we get on with that. - Start with that.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43And if it goes well, have the World Cup final immediately afterwards.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45APPLAUSE
0:07:45 > 0:07:49Why don't we hold them in 2011? We'd get a head start on everybody else then.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51"400m? Sorry, mate, that was last year."
0:07:51 > 0:07:56Qatar won it as well. That's good, cos they're a famous footballing nation.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57Yes, it's true.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Qatar's been chosen for the 2022 World Cup, which is bad
0:08:00 > 0:08:03for England fans, according to The Sun.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06- Why?- Does easyJet not go there?
0:08:06 > 0:08:08- Women are covered up? - Oh, you can't drink there!
0:08:08 > 0:08:10- Can you arrive drunk?- Yes.
0:08:10 > 0:08:15You have to be drunk enough to stay pissed throughout the entire tournament.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17So you've got to stock up on the plane.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21Very precise. Same as what happened on the tubes after Boris banned drinking in London.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24You had to know exactly how drunk to get before you set off.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28Which is where the delays make it more difficult for people.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32Is anyone struggling to locate Qatar on a map?
0:08:32 > 0:08:37Because if you are, then ITV News At Ten offered this very handy explanation.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40These are happy Qataris.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42But what or where is it?
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Remember, not "guitar",
0:08:45 > 0:08:47certainly not "gutter" anymore,
0:08:47 > 0:08:51it's Qatar, and it's here, next to Saudi Arabia.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54LAUGHTER
0:08:54 > 0:08:56What was that, on the ITV News?
0:08:56 > 0:09:02- Yeah, News At Ten.- How many people thought that the World Cup was going to be held on a guitar?!
0:09:02 > 0:09:07Yeah, so this is the Russian Commons researcher who may be deported
0:09:07 > 0:09:09from the UK on suspicion of spying.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Lib Dem MP Mike Hancock has been associated
0:09:11 > 0:09:14with a string of attractive Eastern European women,
0:09:14 > 0:09:17but told the Daily Mail:
0:09:19 > 0:09:23I'm sure you haven't, but have you had sex with them? That's the question.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25APPLAUSE
0:09:29 > 0:09:34Speaking from Russia, Miss Zatuliveter's father accused the British of having:
0:09:34 > 0:09:36No, don't worry, we've all moved on from that,
0:09:36 > 0:09:39you World Cup-stealing bastards.
0:09:40 > 0:09:45The decision to award the World Cup in 2018 to Russia
0:09:45 > 0:09:47was a bitter blow to England's bid team,
0:09:47 > 0:09:51especially Prince William who will now have nothing to cheer him up in the year of his divorce.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53LAUGHTER
0:09:55 > 0:09:59Right, Ian and Gregg, here's yours.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03- Charles Kennedy.- In the rain.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Menzies.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09Um, Nick Clegg shaking hands with a few people. They look keen.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Oh, they look violent.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14And so does he!
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Philip Green.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20And that's a very sophisticated poster. Oh, they're being dragged
0:10:20 > 0:10:21out of Top Shop.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23You have to drag me IN.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25LAUGHTER
0:10:25 > 0:10:29This is the vote that we don't know the result of. It's the Lib Dems.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33- Yes.- And some of them are not going to vote with their government.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Two former leaders are not going to vote
0:10:36 > 0:10:38with the man who took their job.
0:10:38 > 0:10:44- There's a surprise.- Yes. This is the country's students fomenting unrest on the streets.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48One protester decided to interrupt the Turner Prize ceremony at Tate Britain.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55GREG: Ironically, she came second.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Yes, the students had an effect. The Lib Dems were jolly worried,
0:11:03 > 0:11:08but now they've decided they'd look more ridiculous if they didn't vote for their own proposal
0:11:08 > 0:11:11than if they voted against their own proposal.
0:11:11 > 0:11:16It's quite a fine balance, but they've gone for the slightly less ridiculous option.
0:11:16 > 0:11:21The Times had some advice for the Lib Dems in it's leader column on Tuesday.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Although they have managed to pull off both, which is tremendous.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31What's happened to the Lib Dems? It's tragic.
0:11:31 > 0:11:36Just a few short months ago, they were the Tim Henman of British politics.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39No-one really cared if they won.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43It wasn't important, we just like cheering for them.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46And now it's... Oh, dear God!
0:11:46 > 0:11:50- It's the most fantastic mess.- It is. - It's why the students are stroppy.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Apart from being hit over the head with batons.
0:11:53 > 0:11:58Well, that will make a student stroppy, particularly if it's during Cash In The Attic.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00LAUGHTER
0:12:00 > 0:12:05Now that it's settled that students have to pay for their own tuition,
0:12:05 > 0:12:08can't we give them the option of HOW they can pay for it?
0:12:08 > 0:12:12When I was at university, at least two of my lecturers were alcoholics -
0:12:12 > 0:12:14they'd have taught me for a van load of duty free.
0:12:14 > 0:12:20There was one particularly predatory homosexual who'd have done it for free, to be honest.
0:12:21 > 0:12:26If only the government had consulted you with their proposals.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29The whole issue could have been resolved so easily.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33There were some familiar Westminster names back in the news this week.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36David Chaytor, do you remember him? He admitted
0:12:36 > 0:12:40falsifying his expenses by naming his daughter as his landlady,
0:12:40 > 0:12:43which enabled him to claim rent for a flat he already owned.
0:12:43 > 0:12:48He also claimed for renting his mother's house despite never paying her any rent at all
0:12:48 > 0:12:54after submitting documentation supposedly signed by her, but she was in a home with Alzheimer's.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Nice bloke.
0:12:58 > 0:13:04There's a line where you stop being angry and think, "You're so cunning. You deserve to get away with that."
0:13:04 > 0:13:08His lawyers are arguing for a lenient sentence because of...
0:13:10 > 0:13:14Yeah, I'm not sure you'd get off murder trials by
0:13:14 > 0:13:18"Oh, I've lost... Yeah, lost my train of thought."
0:13:18 > 0:13:20LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Train of thought delayed by six hours.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26APPLAUSE
0:13:26 > 0:13:33At least you had the common decency to inform us that your train was delayed.
0:13:34 > 0:13:39My train of thought's now so expensive I can't even get on it.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- And you saw Top Shop earlier.- Yes.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47A group of protesters have been making trouble for Sir Philip Green,
0:13:47 > 0:13:51suggesting he doesn't pay the amount of tax he should pay
0:13:51 > 0:13:54because the government employed Sir Philip Green, amusingly,
0:13:54 > 0:13:56as an advisor on waste.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00And the obvious answer is it'd be less wasteful if you paid some tax.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- His wife is based in Monaco.- Yes.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06So he says, "I do pay my taxes. It's just she doesn't."
0:14:06 > 0:14:09- All the money goes through her.- Yes. - Literally.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13And we mustn't forget the weather this week.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16You've mentioned the snow causing havoc.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18A lot of trouble on the trains.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22Here's a recording of a woman who rang the police.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25- 'Hello, I need the police, please. - OK, what's happening?
0:14:25 > 0:14:28'What happened was, there's been a theft from outside my house.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32'I went out five minutes ago to have a fag and he's gone.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34- 'Who's gone, sorry?- My snowman.'
0:14:34 > 0:14:36LAUGHTER
0:14:36 > 0:14:39'What do you mean? A snowman made out of snow or an ornament?
0:14:39 > 0:14:43'No, he's made out of snow. I made him myself.' LAUGHTER
0:14:43 > 0:14:47'He had teaspoons as arms and money on his face. I'm not being funny.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51'I know it's only a snowman. I thought he'd be fine, with it being icy,
0:14:51 > 0:14:54'people ain't been walking up and down the road.
0:14:54 > 0:15:00'It ain't a nice road, but at the end of the day, you don't expect someone to nick your snowman.'
0:15:00 > 0:15:02That's tremendous.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06The snowman had £2 coins for eyes, apparently,
0:15:06 > 0:15:11so that was the suggestion for the motivation for the crime.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15- And a teaspoon for ears or something.- That was for its arms,
0:15:15 > 0:15:20but if you were going to steal £2 coins, you don't need to take the entire snowman.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23You'd just leave the snowman blind, would you?
0:15:23 > 0:15:29- That's a bit heartless.- I would actually suggest, Paul, that the snowman wasn't stolen,
0:15:29 > 0:15:33it took its own life, because it had teaspoons for arms.
0:15:33 > 0:15:39Is it much more likely that the snowman just flew off to the North Pole?
0:15:39 > 0:15:44- You got that from that Aled Jones documentary you watched, didn't you? - Oh, yes, so I did.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48This is the controversial vote on raising tuition fees -
0:15:48 > 0:15:52the Lib Dems have tried to limit the damage. According to the Telegraph...
0:15:54 > 0:15:56..which took him nearly half an hour.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59In an interview with Esquire Magazine,
0:15:59 > 0:16:03Nick Clegg revealed that he recently had dog faeces shoved through his letterbox -
0:16:03 > 0:16:07isn't it marvellous what you can order on Amazon these days?
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Or what you can train a dog to do.
0:16:10 > 0:16:15And so to Round Two, the picture spin quiz. Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:16:16 > 0:16:17- BUZZER - Oh, that was quick.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21- This is the panda story.- Yes. - You are right.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25What they've done in China is there's this rehabilitation centre...
0:16:25 > 0:16:29Well, I say rehabilitation centre, it's not for pissed pandas,
0:16:29 > 0:16:32but to try and reintroduce pandas into the wild
0:16:32 > 0:16:38and they don't want the young pandas to see too many humans cos it makes their wildness diminish,
0:16:38 > 0:16:44so they've dressed up in those fantastically-convincing panda outfits
0:16:44 > 0:16:46to trick the baby pandas.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Here's a keeper dressed up as the cub's mum.
0:16:50 > 0:16:57Walking about like normal pandas do on two legs(!)
0:16:57 > 0:17:02It's a bit of a high-risk strategy - what if a panda sees its parent ripping its own head off...
0:17:02 > 0:17:05to reveal a human head underneath?
0:17:05 > 0:17:10Well, he'll just spend the rest of its time trying to get its own head off...
0:17:10 > 0:17:12to reveal Eamonn Holmes!
0:17:12 > 0:17:18Well, David Attenborough was interviewed in the Sun recently about panda sex.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- Do you know what he said?- Overrated.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27He says the penis of a giant male panda is...
0:17:29 > 0:17:34Oh, well, no wonder they're not breeding if you get insults like that.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38- You'd have no confidence, would you? - But how would they compensate for the problem?
0:17:38 > 0:17:39Strap-on.
0:17:39 > 0:17:44LAUGHTER
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- Sorry.- He actually says...
0:17:50 > 0:17:54Is that all it is - quarter of an inch? Hmm.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58Can't work out if you're resentful or jealous.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Just...just empathising.
0:18:02 > 0:18:07This story brought out the worst in the headline writers. Do you know what they went for?
0:18:07 > 0:18:08Panda-monium.
0:18:08 > 0:18:09The Sun went with...
0:18:14 > 0:18:19The panda costume scheme may have to be abandoned after one keeper realised, due to an admin error,
0:18:19 > 0:18:23he'd spent six months hand-rearing a midget in a baby panda suit.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:18:31 > 0:18:32BELL RINGS
0:18:32 > 0:18:38- Is this the person in the House of Commons who used a line from this as a joke?- No.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- That sounds a very interesting story.- Yes.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44- Shall I tell you?- ALL: Yeah!
0:18:44 > 0:18:49It's the revelation that speaking to foreigners with a foreign accent makes you easier to understand.
0:18:49 > 0:18:54Oh, yes, I did read this. If you put on a stupid accent, it actually works.
0:18:54 > 0:18:59When you say "stupid accent", are you referring to all accents that aren't English?
0:18:59 > 0:19:02- I'm referring to the way you sound. - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:02 > 0:19:07- If you put on a convincing accent... - I see.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- ..it doesn't have the same effect because you're not clear.- Mmm.
0:19:10 > 0:19:16You're stupid in that you're putting on an exaggerated French, Swedish, Belgian, Russian, Chinese accent,
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- and speaking very loudly. - And with one jump, he was free.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24Who's the famous Englishman that has been picked out as an example of this?
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Well, Blair does it, if he's talking to the builder.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31"Come on in, mate, have a cuppa tea, lovely to see you."
0:19:31 > 0:19:32LAUGHTER
0:19:32 > 0:19:35What, he does Bruce Forsyth impressions?
0:19:36 > 0:19:39"Good wall, good wall. Lovely wall, lovely wall."
0:19:39 > 0:19:41GREG: I think I've adapted my laugh.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- When I'm in taxis. - A sort of taxi driver laugh?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Sort of... MANLY CHUCKLE
0:19:46 > 0:19:50Especially when they talk about football, cos I don't know anything about football.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54So I just have to go, "Oh, yeah. Ha ha ha."
0:19:54 > 0:19:55LAUGHTER
0:19:55 > 0:19:58This story gave the Telegraph the chance to put together
0:19:58 > 0:20:00a list of terrible accents in films. What made the list?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins would be number one.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- It usually is.- Yes.- Absolutely. - "What's the matter, Mary Poppins?"
0:20:06 > 0:20:10How about Arnold Schwarzenegger? But that's his own accent.
0:20:10 > 0:20:15What about Sean Connery playing an Irishman in The Untouchables?
0:20:15 > 0:20:19He has... He's not a big accents man, Connery.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20To be honest.
0:20:20 > 0:20:25Playing an English Secret Service agent was quite tough, wasn't it?
0:20:25 > 0:20:26"That looks like a U-boat."
0:20:26 > 0:20:31- Just practising it.- That was Yorkshire.- I just wanted to see if I could do his accent.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- I can't.- You have to say words that have S's in,
0:20:34 > 0:20:36and then do an S-H sound.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- Sho you shay shomeshing like thish. - Oh, I shee.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Oh, it'sh quite eashy onshe you know how.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:47 > 0:20:50I once met Roger Moore.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53I once met Roger Moore at an awards ceremony, a film ceremony thing,
0:20:53 > 0:20:58and I'd never met him before, obviously seen him on television, The Saint, The Persuaders.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02He came up to me, said the most bizarre thing. "I can hear BLEEP all in this ear."
0:21:02 > 0:21:03LAUGHTER
0:21:03 > 0:21:06First thing he said to me!
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Also, the other one I like, David Attenborough said to me once,
0:21:12 > 0:21:15"You make me pee myself with laughter." Pause.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19Then there was a pause. "Mind you, I have got diabetes."
0:21:19 > 0:21:21- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - It's true.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Right. Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- BUZZER - Ah!
0:21:31 > 0:21:34You know all about this.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38There's James Naughtie on the Today programme, Radio 4,
0:21:38 > 0:21:41who was referring to Jeremy...Hunt...
0:21:41 > 0:21:43- MARCUS: Careful. - Careful. Steady.
0:21:43 > 0:21:48And then Andrew Marr, laughing about it later on, made exactly the same mistake again.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50And then later on in the House of Commons on the same day,
0:21:50 > 0:21:53an MP also used this word instead of the word "cuts".
0:21:53 > 0:21:55So, er...
0:21:55 > 0:21:59- It's true!- I didn't hear that. - "I hate these cuts".
0:21:59 > 0:22:01LAUGHTER
0:22:01 > 0:22:04But you have to be careful how you put words together.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Look at the BBC show Antiques Hunt.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10- It's got to be plural! It can't be singular.- No.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Because it becomes Antique Hunt.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I'm not saying...
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- "Antique Hunt". - You're just saying it how it is.
0:22:17 > 0:22:21It really was the best Today programme I've listened to in quite a while.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Not so much the event itself, you know, it was a simple mistake
0:22:24 > 0:22:27and you sort of think, "We mustn't be too childish about this."
0:22:27 > 0:22:30But the way that Jim Naughtie tried to recover...
0:22:30 > 0:22:33We must listen, because it is funny the 15th time,
0:22:33 > 0:22:36let alone the first, if you haven't seen it. Here it is.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38'What's happening in the course of the next hour?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40'After the news, we're going to be talking to Jeremy Cunt...
0:22:40 > 0:22:42'er, Hunt, the Culture Secretary.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44- COUGHS - About broadband.
0:22:44 > 0:22:49- DEEP BREATH - It's eight o'clock on Monday the 6th of December.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- STRANGLED VOICE: - American officials have condemned Wikileaks
0:22:52 > 0:22:57after the website published a list of hundreds of facilities said to be vital for American security.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59- PAUSE - Every community in Britain...
0:22:59 > 0:23:04- STRANGLED VOICE: - ..has been promised it'll have access to the fastest...broadband...
0:23:04 > 0:23:06- networks within five years. - COUGHS
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Excuse me. And Egypt has called in international shark experts
0:23:09 > 0:23:12- to investigate a series of attacks... - COUGHS
0:23:12 > 0:23:15..in the Red Sea. Pardon me. Coughing fit.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
0:23:17 > 0:23:19- PAUL:- Massive cuts at the BBC!
0:23:19 > 0:23:21LAUGHTER
0:23:21 > 0:23:23My understanding is it's the most times that
0:23:24 > 0:23:26that word's been used at the BBC
0:23:26 > 0:23:29since Noel Edmonds got stuck in a revolving door.
0:23:29 > 0:23:30LAUGHTER
0:23:30 > 0:23:33What was wrong with most of the headlines about this story?
0:23:33 > 0:23:38They were worried whether it was a Spoonerism or a Freudian slip.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40That seemed to exercise everyone.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Cos that would make him the Hulture Secretary.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- Yeah.- Which I don't think anyone really thought.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49- No, it's not a Spoonerism, is it? - It was a Freudian slip.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53Reverend Spooner: "Please glaze your arses for the queer old dean."
0:23:53 > 0:23:54That was one of his.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58The problem was the hilarious potential of Naughtie's surname,
0:23:58 > 0:24:01without considering the pronunciation. So the Mirror had:
0:24:03 > 0:24:04The Express had:
0:24:07 > 0:24:08The Mail had:
0:24:10 > 0:24:12It just doesn't work.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Surprisingly, the Sun came up trumps with the quite brilliant, wait for it:
0:24:17 > 0:24:19LAUGHTER
0:24:19 > 0:24:24It is one of those names that must've been pronounced NAUGHTY at one point then generations ago,
0:24:24 > 0:24:26it's, "Oh no, it's NAUGHTIE".
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Like people with SIDEBOTTOM say CITYBOTHAM. It's one of those.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Yeah. Thank you.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35- I feel like I was in Dictionary Corner then.- It was good!
0:24:35 > 0:24:38We've come up with a four-letter word, funnily enough!
0:24:42 > 0:24:44See you next Tuesday!
0:24:48 > 0:24:52This is BBC Radio 4's Today programme, presenter James Naughtie
0:24:52 > 0:24:56and the trouble he had introducing Culture Secretary Jeremy H-unt!
0:24:56 > 0:25:02It's the most hilarious introduction to a politician on Radio 4 since Nick Clegg - Deputy Prime Minister.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Naughtie apologised for the slip blaming the incident on...
0:25:10 > 0:25:14Just as well he wasn't interviewing backbencher Alan Fothermucker.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21Time now for the Missing Words round which this week features as its
0:25:21 > 0:25:25guest publication, The UK Roundabout Appreciation Society Newsletter.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27An excellent magazine and this month
0:25:27 > 0:25:31it comes with it's own pull-out unexpectedly section!
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Ha-ha!
0:25:33 > 0:25:35And we start with...
0:25:38 > 0:25:39- What?
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Declares love of squares.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44LAUGHTER
0:25:49 > 0:25:54This is a report on a highly contentious issue, entitled...
0:25:58 > 0:25:59Next...
0:25:59 > 0:26:02What?
0:26:02 > 0:26:04A doddle cos I live at 73.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07APPLAUSE
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Straight through the cat-flap.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- Dangerous - you should pull into the slow lane.- Yeah.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15I think it's something like, it's wonderful if you can remember it.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Pretty much spot on...
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Yes. Next...
0:26:23 > 0:26:27A vortex that sucked in anything picturesque and all sense of hope.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29APPLAUSE
0:26:29 > 0:26:31It's actually...
0:26:38 > 0:26:42This is the 1960s planning meeting that saw the creation of Telford's roundabouts.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45At the same meeting someone also spilt their tea,
0:26:45 > 0:26:51which is why Telford has a lovely artificial lake and thanks to the all the smokers, 18 crematoriums.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53And finally...
0:26:58 > 0:27:02Out of ten, how lonely would you describe...
0:27:02 > 0:27:05LAUGHTER ..your existence as being?
0:27:05 > 0:27:08If roundabouts didn't exist, what would you spot?
0:27:08 > 0:27:11- I like it.- I do as well.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13It wouldn't be trains, cos there aren't any.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16MOUTHS: Nothing.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18The answer is...
0:27:24 > 0:27:29For those of you who aren't regular readers, you may have missed this in the latest quarterly newsletter...
0:27:37 > 0:27:39She's left him. Why?! Why?!
0:27:39 > 0:27:43So, the final scores are...
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Ian and Greg have three,
0:27:45 > 0:27:48- and Paul and Marcus have seven. - Seven? Well done.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:27:54 > 0:27:57I leave you with news that after an informal wedding rehearsal at
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Westminster Abbey, Wills and Kate head back to the Palace...
0:28:04 > 0:28:10In a bid to appeal to the youth of today, Pope Benedict XVI base jumps from the balcony of St Peter's...
0:28:14 > 0:28:17And at a panda sanctuary in southern China, one of the keepers is
0:28:17 > 0:28:20informed that the gift shop has run out of backpacks.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Good night.
0:28:48 > 0:28:51Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:51 > 0:28:54E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk