0:00:05 > 0:00:12This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jack Dee.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43In the news this week:
0:00:43 > 0:00:46On the outskirts of Tripoli, as rebel forces close in,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Colonel Gaddafi makes a desperate bid for freedom.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53LAUGHTER
0:00:53 > 0:00:57After his NHS reforms begin to damage the Government's popularity,
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Andrew Lansley wakes to find a dog turd on his doormat.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03LAUGHTER
0:01:06 > 0:01:11And there's a surprise in the cupboard for the new tenant renting Russell Brand's old flat.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14LAUGHTER
0:01:16 > 0:01:21On Ian Hislop's team, is the BBC's defence correspondent who, reporting from Iraq, said,
0:01:21 > 0:01:27"I've been in the desert for days and I can tell you, it's very sandy here."
0:01:28 > 0:01:33Still people question the value of News 24. Please welcome Caroline Wyatt.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35APPLAUSE
0:01:38 > 0:01:42And with Paul Merton tonight is a comedian who famously suffers from OCD.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45It's the third time he's been on the show, but who's counting?
0:01:45 > 0:01:50Well, he is. It's an odd number, that's why he's sweating. Welcome Jon Richardson.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53APPLAUSE
0:01:55 > 0:02:00We start with the bigger stories of the week. Ian and Caroline, here's yours.
0:02:00 > 0:02:05CAROLINE: This is Colonel Gaddafi, dictator who is defiant, as all dictators are.
0:02:05 > 0:02:10There are the rebels, they seem to be fighting. Moussa Koussa,
0:02:10 > 0:02:14he defected saying to Colonel Gaddafi he was popping out to the doctors.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18And Saif being liberated by John Simpson.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24That's Obama providing light sabres to the rebels.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28LAUGHTER
0:02:28 > 0:02:31This is your patch, what's happening?
0:02:31 > 0:02:36They're still fighting on the ground. The rebels are in a bit of a stalemate.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40- Who's the man who defected? - Moussa Koussa, very smooth talking foreign minister,
0:02:40 > 0:02:44but has also been what the papers call his fingernail puller in chief.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48He's defected in order to get away.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52- Yes. Wouldn't you? - I suppose that's reasonable.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56How's Obama describe the US involvement in Libya?
0:02:56 > 0:03:00- He's gone over to complain about the noise.- Yeah. He's described it as:
0:03:06 > 0:03:09JON: Are you sure this isn't Charlie Sheen?
0:03:14 > 0:03:17And then behind-the-scenes he referred to the Libya situation as:
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Did they cut the crusts off?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28You'd want a baguette really with a turd, wouldn't you?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30LAUGHTER
0:03:30 > 0:03:35Did anyone see Sarah Palin's reaction on Fox News? She came out with a new word for the whole thing.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Another big question that has to be asked is "Are we at war?"
0:03:39 > 0:03:42I haven't heard the president say we are at war.
0:03:42 > 0:03:48That's why I, too, am not knowing do we use the term intervention,
0:03:48 > 0:03:52do we use "war", do we use squirmish, what is it?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55LAUGHTER
0:03:55 > 0:03:58That is quite brilliant. That is the American reaction.
0:03:58 > 0:04:04It's a squirmish. They're desperate not to be involved but they sort of are.
0:04:04 > 0:04:10You can tell the way she talks that literally every word she doesn't know what the next one will be.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Is it a "squirmish", in your opinion?
0:04:12 > 0:04:15I think it's a major squirmish, as squirmishs go.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18How long will we be there?
0:04:18 > 0:04:23People are hoping it will be relatively short and that Gaddafi will go away.
0:04:23 > 0:04:30How come we managed to sack half the Armed Forces on the same day we went into Libya?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- The MoD tries to do things right.- Does it?
0:04:33 > 0:04:36You try to get value for money.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38You know the MoD eBay, you know eDisposal.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42- You can buy the kit they're trying to flog.- Everything?
0:04:42 > 0:04:46- Ark Royal is there.- Ark Royal is on eBay?- EDisposal.
0:04:46 > 0:04:55- If you click it says "add to cart". - Is there a price?- No, no price.
0:04:55 > 0:05:00So you bid, in the last ten minutes, do you think I'll get it for ten quid?
0:05:00 > 0:05:04I love the idea of just you and Colonel Gaddafi locked on eBay.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08LAUGHTER
0:05:08 > 0:05:11What is the reaction been to America removing its jets from the NATO action?
0:05:11 > 0:05:14People are disappointed. It means we have to fill the hole.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Did you hear what Lynsey Graham the Republican senator said?
0:05:24 > 0:05:30And the rebels have another secret weapon, as described here by this fighter.
0:05:30 > 0:05:35We have our GPSs, we have our maps. We have Google Earth.
0:05:35 > 0:05:42And I'm a computer engineer and there are many telecommunications engineers.
0:05:42 > 0:05:47- You're fighting with Google Earth? - Why not?
0:05:47 > 0:05:51They don't lack a certain bravery.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55Caroline, I was wondering, you have covered war in Afghanistan
0:05:55 > 0:05:59and reported on the Kosovo conflict and been embedded in Basra...
0:05:59 > 0:06:02LAUGHTER
0:06:06 > 0:06:11Sorry. Do you... Do you...
0:06:11 > 0:06:13LAUGHTER
0:06:13 > 0:06:20Do you ever miss the thrill of your early career when you were writing for Chartered Surveyor Weekly?
0:06:20 > 0:06:25It's more fun doing broadcasting. You never know what you're going to end up doing.
0:06:25 > 0:06:30When someone like you or John Simpson, I often wonder, when you go on holiday
0:06:30 > 0:06:33and turn up in the town, do people get worried?
0:06:33 > 0:06:37They probably would with John Simpson. They always did with Kate Adie.
0:06:37 > 0:06:43- When she went somewhere they knew it was serious.- Get your stuff in a wheel barrow and get out of here.
0:06:43 > 0:06:50It's the Arab Spring, which, now it's reached Libya, has found its first cuckoo.
0:06:50 > 0:06:55The defection of Libya's foreign minister divided the British Cabinet.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59Some ministers thought Moussa Koussa was a useful ally.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Some thought he was a terrorist sympathiser
0:07:01 > 0:07:05and Eric Pickles thought Moussa Koussa was a chickpea starter.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10The balance of power is constantly shifting,
0:07:10 > 0:07:13which has been particularly traumatic for the people of Brega,
0:07:13 > 0:07:18currently in the rebels' hands, or if you're watching the repeat, Gaddafi's hands.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22Or if you're watching in a couple of years time on Dave, in Al-Qaeda's hands.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25LAUGHTER
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Paul and Jon, have a look at this.
0:07:26 > 0:07:33That's Eton schoolboys presumably. That's where the poor people live with outside facilities.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37Oh, Nick Clegg looking at a space ship in miniature and,
0:07:37 > 0:07:43what a boring piece of footage, that happened at 2.30pm.
0:07:43 > 0:07:49- That's Edward. Is it about meritocracy stuff.- Very close.
0:07:49 > 0:07:54About Nick Clegg saying that the fathers shouldn't give their sons opportunities in business.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57But you can't stop that. That's what people do.
0:07:57 > 0:07:58They want to look after their kids.
0:07:58 > 0:08:04They want them to go to the best schools. They want them to have the best jobs. You can't stop that.
0:08:04 > 0:08:12- Let's move on then.- That was somebody supporting Nick Clegg. That was a TV first.
0:08:12 > 0:08:17He only got his job because of his job. And he got a free university degree.
0:08:17 > 0:08:23He's carrying on eliminating anything he had, in case someone steals the job he doesn't really deserve.
0:08:23 > 0:08:30He makes a big speech about we shouldn't have internships where your father gets you your first job.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Nobody says, "Ah, Nick, how did you get your first job?"
0:08:33 > 0:08:37"Oh, my dad got it for me." You'd think he'd pay someone to do that.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40But he didn't, so he gave this hyped speech,
0:08:40 > 0:08:47and it turned out that not only his first job he got because his dad recommended him to a Finnish bank...
0:08:47 > 0:08:51- Do you remember the name of it? - FinBank.- It was called:
0:08:51 > 0:08:55LAUGHTER
0:08:59 > 0:09:03It's the bank that likes to say, "Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy."
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Perhaps some of us round the table are guilty.
0:09:06 > 0:09:12- Didn't you get the job because your uncle is Lord Fauntleroy.- Damn.
0:09:12 > 0:09:17It happens in every class. I told my dad I wanted to be an astronaut.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21He said there's a bloke down the road with a goldfish bowl and a bicycle pump.
0:09:21 > 0:09:28- Before you knew it I was on the moon.- They're trying to stop parents helping their children.
0:09:28 > 0:09:35Yes, and they're trying to stop people like themselves getting in Government, which is not a bad thing.
0:09:35 > 0:09:40- Who did David Willetts say were primarily responsible for damaging social mobility?- Women.
0:09:40 > 0:09:47- Yes.- What all of them?- Specifically educated middle class women...
0:09:47 > 0:09:51Like Caroline, taking away jobs from men.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55But it was specifically working class men, wasn't it?
0:09:55 > 0:09:59Discouraging young working class men like, Jon here,
0:09:59 > 0:10:03from going to university because you took their places.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Eee, bugger.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11So shall we talk about Andrew Lansley, you must be feeling sorry for him, Paul.
0:10:11 > 0:10:16I have no idea what's going on, I haven't been in the country for three weeks.
0:10:16 > 0:10:23He's Health Minister. He's had a bad week because his reforms have run into a few problems.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25He had to stand up in the House of Commons and say,
0:10:25 > 0:10:30"These reforms that I've been pushing through, we're going to have a pause."
0:10:30 > 0:10:34A natural pause, like when someone dies on the operating table.
0:10:34 > 0:10:39It's a natural pause in the operation and it's dead.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43Everyone has objected to these reforms.
0:10:43 > 0:10:48He's been working on the NHS reforms for seven years...
0:10:48 > 0:10:50LAUGHTER
0:10:50 > 0:10:54Is he thick or something? Seven years to get the wrong answer.
0:10:56 > 0:11:01Jon, you're probably more aware of this than some of us, MC Rapper of next generation.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04MC Rapper, straight to the nub there with his name.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08I find I call myself Snoop Dogg, they think I'm a dog.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12If I call myself MC Rapper they know I'm a rapper, you see.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16# Andrew Lansley, greedy Andrew Lansley, tosser
0:11:16 > 0:11:18# The NHS is not for sale You great manky codger... #
0:11:33 > 0:11:37APPLAUSE
0:11:37 > 0:11:38Good point about the PCTs,
0:11:38 > 0:11:42he's left out the health authorities though, hasn't he?
0:11:42 > 0:11:45And the purchase provider thing I don't think comes over.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49This is Nick Clegg's social mobility drive.
0:11:49 > 0:11:54George Osborne is the son of a Baronet who co-founded the upmarket wallpaper company:
0:11:56 > 0:12:01Also the answer to the questions, "Who is the Chancellor and what does he know about the economy?"
0:12:01 > 0:12:06The social mobility campaign is based on the belief that you shouldn't get a job
0:12:06 > 0:12:11just because of who your dad is. Another blow to Saif Gaddafi.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15Even some Tories had doubts about the reforms.
0:12:15 > 0:12:20The front page of Monday's Independent showed William Hague's reaction.
0:12:22 > 0:12:27And so to round two, a new idea from the props department.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30- We have got a props department? - We have.
0:12:30 > 0:12:35For the last time, it's the strength-o-meter of news. Fingers on buzzers.
0:12:35 > 0:12:42I'll get my... Fingers on buzzers teams, here's the first one.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46BUZZER
0:12:46 > 0:12:50- Paul and Jon.- This is one story I have seen.
0:12:50 > 0:12:55Mohamed Al Fayed has erected a statue of Michael Jackson outside,
0:12:55 > 0:13:01statue is the important part of that sentence, outside Craven Cottage, which is a fitting tribute.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05They play in black and white and Michael Jackson
0:13:05 > 0:13:09has been both in his lifetime. I couldn't think of a better place.
0:13:09 > 0:13:14Correct, Mohamed Al Fayed's £100,000 tribute to well known football fan, Michael Jackson.
0:13:19 > 0:13:24They've got quotes on the plinth from Steven Spielberg, Beyonce, Paul McCartney,
0:13:24 > 0:13:27and Fulham midfielder, Dixon Etuhu.
0:13:27 > 0:13:32He visited Fulham once. They should have a statue of Johnny Haynes.
0:13:32 > 0:13:38- They have got one.- Where's that? - Next to the Jackson one.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42I imagine at night it's like Night At The Museum and they come alive.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46"I was the first player to earn £100 a week you know." "Eee-hee!"
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Some quotes from the fans. One said:
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Don't know what he meant about the statue.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Another one said:
0:14:01 > 0:14:03A third fan summed it up by saying:
0:14:08 > 0:14:10What did Mohamed Al Fayed say?
0:14:10 > 0:14:16Football fans love it. You know, if some stupid fans don't understand,
0:14:16 > 0:14:21appreciate such a gift this guy give to the world, you know,
0:14:21 > 0:14:23they can just go to hell.
0:14:23 > 0:14:31Matt Blank, the spokesman for the Michael Jackson World Network fan club wasn't impressed. He said:
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Defending the statue, Al Fayed
0:14:44 > 0:14:48said Michael Jackson loved Fulham Football Club adding:
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Fingers on buzzers. Here is the next one.
0:15:02 > 0:15:08- BUZZER - Yes, Paul and John. - This is a badger.
0:15:08 > 0:15:15Some of police force somewhere has been attributing burglaries to badgers. Yes? Completely right.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19Broken twigs in the forest. Badgers are going on a criminal spree.
0:15:19 > 0:15:25While you are watching them in the front garden, his mate is in the back garden nicking your car.
0:15:25 > 0:15:32They cannot afford to investigate crime, so they invent spurious things. "Bloody badgers!"
0:15:32 > 0:15:38- Is there any evidence against the badgers?- No.- Any confessions?- They are clearly dressed like criminals.
0:15:44 > 0:15:50They do not know how to wear the mask. Stupid animals.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53There is a meerkat selling dodgy insurance round the back.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Not dodgy, in case that that represents any company.
0:15:56 > 0:16:02I am sure as insurers they are as reputable as any. If that helps.
0:16:04 > 0:16:11The reason they are blaming the badgers is that it helps crime statistics look better.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Instead of a shed being broken into, they can say it was a badger.
0:16:14 > 0:16:21In unrelated animal news, why has Luna the German cow been in the papers?
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- It jumps like a horse.- It doesn't really jump. I've seen it.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28Look at this. I have bet on worse horses than this.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40That is not to jump. That is a push.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42CHEER
0:16:45 > 0:16:49This is the news that police are reclassifying crimes to keep numbers down.
0:16:49 > 0:16:56As a result, Crimewatch will now be merged with Badgerwatch, making just the one unwatchable programme.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Time for the odd one out round.
0:17:00 > 0:17:06Ian and Caroline, your four are Nick Clegg, Wayne Rooney, Oliver Letwin
0:17:06 > 0:17:09and City boys Harry Fildes and Sebastien Marsh.
0:17:12 > 0:17:17I think this is about people being caught saying things they didn't mean to be heard.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Those two city boys did an e-mail.
0:17:20 > 0:17:27They did, about one of them who had a girlfriend, now ex-girlfriend, and his friend sent an e-mail and said,
0:17:27 > 0:17:33"Would you mind if I had a go?" His friend wrote back and said, "Feel free, but she is a bit difficult."
0:17:33 > 0:17:38Unfortunately, he copied in his ex-girlfriend and the e-mail went to his friend,
0:17:38 > 0:17:43who sent it to everyone he knew and they sent it to everyone they knew.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45It was quite friendly. The tone was,
0:17:45 > 0:17:52"I don't want to offend you, but can I bang your ex-Mrs?"
0:17:52 > 0:17:55To which the other one replied:
0:17:58 > 0:18:01The other one replied saying:
0:18:38 > 0:18:40One more e-mail says:
0:18:45 > 0:18:50With these stories, it is like when a footballer gets caught doing something and you know
0:18:50 > 0:18:53there is stuff they have done before. When one conversation like that gets to the papers,
0:18:53 > 0:18:58there are millions of people who talk like that and no one ever finds out.
0:18:58 > 0:19:03There are people you have sat next to, people you work with, who are actually despicable bastards.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07I would go along with that.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10LAUGHTER
0:19:10 > 0:19:14OK, so Oliver Letwin made a remark overheard by Boris Johnson.
0:19:14 > 0:19:21He said, "We don't want any more people from Sheffield going on holiday"
0:19:21 > 0:19:28- Why doesn't he want people from Sheffield going on holiday?- It is something to do with airports,
0:19:28 > 0:19:31and Boris said, this is what he said,
0:19:31 > 0:19:33which is not very loyal.
0:19:33 > 0:19:38It is quite something to out-gaffe Boris. Maybe that was why he was upset.
0:19:38 > 0:19:43Nick Clegg had a microphone problem and he said to David Cameron,
0:19:43 > 0:19:47"There is nothing we disagree on, we will have to think of something."
0:19:47 > 0:19:50I think we have footage.
0:19:50 > 0:19:56I am sure there will be television debates. We hope they will be better natured between the two of us.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00Thank you. You have been a fantastic audience.
0:20:00 > 0:20:07If we keep doing this, we won't find anything to bloody disagree on in the bloody TV debates.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11Caroline, do you think we should go to war against the Liberal Democrats?
0:20:11 > 0:20:16- Or is that too harsh?- Too harsh.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20That is to Sarah Palin thinks she is going to war with. The Libyan Democrats!
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Don't tell me you have lost your little something for her,
0:20:27 > 0:20:32the twinkle in your eye whenever Sarah Palin was mentioned, there something in your heart that said,
0:20:32 > 0:20:33"Sarah, Sarah."
0:20:33 > 0:20:39Just because I do not agree with all of her views, does not mean I have written her off as a woman.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46What about Wayne Rooney?
0:20:46 > 0:20:52He is the odd one out because everybody else did not mean what they were saying to be heard,
0:20:52 > 0:20:56- but he did mean it to be heard. - We cannot show the footage but we have a picture.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59LAUGHTER
0:21:04 > 0:21:09He is full of anger, isn't he? I keep reading he is very angry and
0:21:09 > 0:21:12he gets more angry the more goals he gets.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Maybe football isn't the game for him after all.
0:21:15 > 0:21:20- He did issue an apology. Anybody know what he said?- Sorry?
0:21:20 > 0:21:21He said:
0:21:28 > 0:21:31He does a lot of reflecting after the game, Wayne.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35So they have all been in trouble for remarks made in private,
0:21:35 > 0:21:38apart from Wayne Rooney who is in trouble for remarks he made to camera.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42The Independent claimed Rooney was responding to people chanting:
0:21:47 > 0:21:52Although how he could hear Colleen above all of those West Ham fans is beyond me.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59- Paul and John, Charlie Chaplin... - Never heard of him.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03A goldfish in Stockport, Baroness Warsi, and a house in Swansea.
0:22:03 > 0:22:08The only one that has been in the news is the one that looks like Hitler.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10There is a house that looks like Hitler?
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Hitler has only got one hall.
0:22:12 > 0:22:17There is a house with a porch and a sloped roof that looks a bit...
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Yeah, Nuremburg Rallies when he had some guttering around his head.
0:22:22 > 0:22:29Charlie Chaplin had a moustache which was later appropriated by Hitler.
0:22:29 > 0:22:34Does the goldfish or Baroness Warsi have a Hitler moustache?
0:22:34 > 0:22:38- There is a fish that looks a bit like Hitler, too. - That lets us off, then.
0:22:38 > 0:22:43What's her name is the odd one out because she does not look like Hitler
0:22:43 > 0:22:45and has never been compared to Hitler.
0:22:45 > 0:22:51They have all been likened to Hitler, apart from Baroness Warsi who was likened to Goebbels,
0:22:51 > 0:22:54after claiming in an article in the Sun last week
0:22:54 > 0:22:59that the alternative vote system would give more power to extremist parties.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02I now have to show you a picture of the house that looks like Hitler.
0:23:07 > 0:23:12- Yeah, sort of.- He wants to get rid of the pole in front of it, by the way!
0:23:12 > 0:23:16LAUGHTER
0:23:19 > 0:23:21The goldfish in Stockport has been likened to Hitler.
0:23:27 > 0:23:32- It is a cross between Hitler and Roy Orbison.- His name is Adolfish.
0:23:35 > 0:23:41This allowed the Sun to dust of pictures from a website:
0:23:41 > 0:23:44This is a picture of Mein furrer.
0:23:50 > 0:23:55That is fantastic. It is more sinister than Hitler.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58I would rather have Hitler on my lap.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Well, you know your own business best!
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Time for the missing words round, which features the Daily Sport,
0:24:07 > 0:24:09to mark its sad demise.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12The paper that brought you headlines such as:
0:24:14 > 0:24:16And followed it with:
0:24:19 > 0:24:20We start with this.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Ann Robinson punch-a-thon.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29JON: Train to London.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33No, the answer is:
0:24:37 > 0:24:40This was at the opening of a Krispy Kreme store,
0:24:40 > 0:24:44which incidentally is Cardiff's first health food shop.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50By the way, don't be embarrassed, Wales, people queue in London, too.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Admittedly we get an iPad at the end of it.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Next:
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Liberal Democrat.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02- I think I remember this, was it an olive?- No, the answer is:
0:25:06 > 0:25:10I am surprised you did not get that. This is a classic Daily Sport headline.
0:25:10 > 0:25:16You may well laugh, but it is true. Look at this genuine documentary about the Daily Sport.
0:25:16 > 0:25:21- Can you describe it?- Like a space ship. I was looking up to it.
0:25:21 > 0:25:29- I have gone to approach my son, when the smoke has come.- Where from, the bottom of the spacecraft?
0:25:29 > 0:25:37Yes. I was frightened to approach him because I was frightened as well.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41I have gone to get him and a gust of smoke's come,
0:25:41 > 0:25:42and he just disappeared.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46All I was left with was a fish finger.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54It is something to remember him by!
0:25:54 > 0:25:59She might never Findus, I mean, find him. Next:
0:26:03 > 0:26:05JON: Worst series of Big Brother ever.
0:26:05 > 0:26:10Evicted after the corpse of Colonel Sanders is found in the basement of a derelict house.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13The answer is:
0:26:18 > 0:26:25Naturally, it was the lead story on Fox News! As they were rounded up, one chicken said,
0:26:25 > 0:26:27"All right, it is a fair cop,
0:26:27 > 0:26:31"but it was the badgers what done the sheds."
0:26:31 > 0:26:33That could have been a fair coupe!
0:26:33 > 0:26:38See, when you do a pun everyone applauds!
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Mine have not been sweated over for three days!
0:26:41 > 0:26:43LAUGHTER
0:26:48 > 0:26:52In San Francisco, says songwriter's first attempt at the hit record.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Gail Roberts said:
0:27:13 > 0:27:18Please, fat people of Britain, check your folds for missing rodents.
0:27:20 > 0:27:25The final scores, Ian and Caroline have eight, Paul and Jon have nine.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28APPLAUSE
0:27:32 > 0:27:35And I'll leave you with news that in Milan, as the under age sex scandal
0:27:35 > 0:27:40threatens to bring down the presidency, Silvio Berlusconi's lawyer arrives at court.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48In Los Angeles, two passers-by emerge from beneath Charlie Sheen's balcony
0:27:48 > 0:27:50after the drug squad rings the doorbell.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58And outside Benghazi, a Libyan rebel follows the only instructions
0:27:58 > 0:28:04provided with a British-made rocket launcher.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Goodnight.
0:28:06 > 0:28:07APPLAUSE
0:28:11 > 0:28:16Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:16 > 0:28:21E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk