0:00:29 > 0:00:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Stephen Mangan.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44After a week when nothing's gone right for him,
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Nick Clegg visits a Scottish shipyard
0:00:46 > 0:00:47and tries his hand at welding.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01In Soho, an enthusiastic trainee cameraman
0:01:01 > 0:01:04begins work on the set of Lesbian Nurses 3.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13And after negotiating a substantial pay rise,
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Nick Robinson taunts Huw Edwards
0:01:15 > 0:01:17by comparing their salaries live on air.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19NO AUDIO
0:01:23 > 0:01:27On Ian's team is a comedian from Glasgow who is only 24.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Or as it's known in Glasgow, middle-aged!
0:01:30 > 0:01:33- Please welcome Kevin Bridges. - APPLAUSE
0:01:37 > 0:01:38And with Paul Merton tonight
0:01:38 > 0:01:42is a former Defence Secretary who acquired a nickname
0:01:42 > 0:01:43based on an offensive word
0:01:43 > 0:01:46he was thought to have said in the House of Commons.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49He denied he said it, the word was removed from Hansard
0:01:49 > 0:01:52and the matter is now completely forgotten.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Please welcome Bollocks Bob Ainsworth.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:00 > 0:02:02We start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Ian and Kevin, take a look at this.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06It's a mobile phone. Someone's hacking into it.
0:02:06 > 0:02:11That's Andy Coulson. He's not listening - oh, no! He doesn't know anything about it.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Murdoch doesn't know anything about it.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Oh, he's apologised, so maybe he did.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Who's that? ..Sienna Miller.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22And that isn't Sienna Miller!
0:02:22 > 0:02:24They've apologised.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26They HAVE apologised, indeed.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Why have they decided to apologise now?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31They've been phone hacking people for years.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34They said it was the result of a lone hacker.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38The editor of the News Of The World at the time said he had no idea it was going on.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Why would he, he's editing the paper!
0:02:40 > 0:02:44I can tell you, I've no idea what happens at all at Private Eye.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Um...
0:02:47 > 0:02:48No idea.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50- That is self-evident!- Yes!
0:02:50 > 0:02:52You only have to read the issue.
0:02:52 > 0:02:58But Mr Coulson has resigned twice now for something he didn't do.
0:02:58 > 0:02:59Which is very noble of him.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03- He may even go to jail for something he didn't do.- Yeah.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05For celebrities,
0:03:05 > 0:03:09I think if you don't want your voicemails getting hacked, answer your phone!
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Simple enough.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15It would be good if they hacked ordinary people, guys like me.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16Have you not been hacked?
0:03:16 > 0:03:18I'd like to see the headlines.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21"Scottish comedian tells mother he won't be home for tea
0:03:21 > 0:03:25"as he's going to KFC for a Godfather meal".
0:03:25 > 0:03:26Have you been hacked, Bob?
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Not that I'm aware of. Great shame, really.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Have you said anything interesting on the phone?
0:03:35 > 0:03:39- Not that I'm prepared to admit to! - Oh, come on, you're amongst friends.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41We won't tell anybody.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- They're only apologising for two years.- Right.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Only for the time Andy Coulson was editor,
0:03:46 > 0:03:49not for the time, say, Rebekah Wade was editor.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Yes.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55- What has Rebekah Wade admitted to? - Paying the police for stories.- Yes.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59At a parliamentary committee. She said, "Oh, we paid the police for stories,"
0:03:59 > 0:04:04and Andy Coulson, sitting next to her, had to go, "What's that up there? La-la-la!"
0:04:04 > 0:04:06- Then they issued a clarification.- Yes.
0:04:06 > 0:04:11- Saying when she said they'd paid the police for stories, they meant they hadn't.- Yeah.
0:04:11 > 0:04:16Hacking celebrities - everything in their lives is on Twitter. Bob, you're on Twitter.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18- I was doing a bit of research. - This afternoon.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22- What were you Twittering?- I was seeking advice about this programme.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26- Who from?- Oh, anybody. Anybody who'd give me any.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29- Did they give you...? - They all said I was mad to come on.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31And that you would murder me.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35- That's a bit strong. - They said the little...
0:04:35 > 0:04:38You might never walk straight again, you know what I mean? Eh?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- A bit of that, but you know... - One of them said,
0:04:44 > 0:04:47"The little slaphead at the end will murder you."
0:04:47 > 0:04:49AUDIENCE GROANS
0:04:50 > 0:04:54Was this Piers Morgan you were talking to?
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- The thinking man's amoeba. - What you said, Bob, I wrote it,
0:04:57 > 0:05:01"I've agreed to do Have I Got News For You, am I mad? Time will tell.
0:05:01 > 0:05:06"All advice on how to survive will be gratefully received."
0:05:06 > 0:05:09A reply from the chief political editor of the Daily Express said,
0:05:09 > 0:05:10"Don't do it, you'll look like a dick."
0:05:12 > 0:05:16APPLAUSE
0:05:16 > 0:05:20How did News International senior executive James Murdoch
0:05:20 > 0:05:24boast about the way the company was handling the scandal only a week ago?
0:05:24 > 0:05:28He said that they've contained the scandal and it's now in a box.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29Yes, he said:
0:05:33 > 0:05:36- In a box marked- BLEEP.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38What, according to the Observer,
0:05:38 > 0:05:43did Rupert Murdoch do when Gordon Brown became PM
0:05:43 > 0:05:46and initiated an investigation into the phone hacking?
0:05:46 > 0:05:50- He phoned up Number Ten. - Asked him to go easy.- Yeah.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52They knew that, cos they were just checking.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53The source told them:
0:06:00 > 0:06:04Their source was an ex-minister who wants to remain anonymous.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Do you think, though,
0:06:07 > 0:06:10that Murdoch could just ring up Number Ten during your time there
0:06:10 > 0:06:14- and sort things out? - What do you mean, in my time there?
0:06:14 > 0:06:20Well, you were in the Cabinet! I know it's easy to forget(!)
0:06:20 > 0:06:24He's thinking about the slaphead remark from earlier!
0:06:25 > 0:06:29Did he have that sort of access? Did you lot jump when Murdoch called?
0:06:29 > 0:06:34Do you think Number Ten gives all their secrets to all their ministers?
0:06:34 > 0:06:37You were Chief Whip, then you were Defence Secretary.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39You can't say you didn't know anything.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43- Deputy.- Deputy Chief Whip. Sorry, I really over-exaggerated your...- Promoted me!
0:06:46 > 0:06:48So, how about an answer, then?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- I know nothing!- Is that why you were in the Cabinet?
0:06:51 > 0:06:54APPLAUSE
0:06:57 > 0:06:59What did you think of him, then?
0:06:59 > 0:07:05- What, Gordon?- What does he do these days, since he's no longer on the telly?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07He's down here, he's pressing some buttons for me.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- All right, Gordon? - According to one newspaper...
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- Want some water? - ..he was going to run the IMF.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- He's down there. - Shh! We're doing a TV programme.
0:07:17 > 0:07:22So, which investigative journalist really blew the whole story apart?
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- Famous actor?- You mean Hugh Grant? - What did he do?
0:07:25 > 0:07:30- He wired himself up and he went to talk to... - He had four coffees?
0:07:30 > 0:07:31What are you talking about?
0:07:34 > 0:07:39He put a wire on himself and went to interview an old News of the World journalist.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41He turned the tables.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44He tapped someone else's conversation
0:07:44 > 0:07:46and this old News of the World lag said,
0:07:46 > 0:07:50"Yeah, we taped everyone, Rebekah Wade did it, we were at it all the time.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53"Murder victims? We tapped their families. Ha-ha-ha."
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Charming lot(!)
0:07:55 > 0:07:59Hugh Grant taped former News of the World journalist Paul McMullan
0:07:59 > 0:08:01in the pub he now runs near Dover.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05He was the original whistleblower who gave details of phone hacking to the press.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09He said, and this was printed in the New Statesman:
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Hugh pushed his questioning a bit further:
0:08:38 > 0:08:41So, why do you think McMullan originally decided
0:08:41 > 0:08:44to blow the whistle on phone hacking? A pang of conscience?
0:08:44 > 0:08:45- No.- He told Hugh Grant:
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Although we should point out, it's a really shit pub!
0:08:58 > 0:09:02- You don't know his pub was rubbish. - No, but it was shit.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05It was just a joke.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07LAUGHTER
0:09:07 > 0:09:12This is the phone-hacking scandal which saw News of the World journalists
0:09:12 > 0:09:16intercept the voicemails of some of Britain's best-loved celebrities.
0:09:16 > 0:09:17And Andy Gray.
0:09:17 > 0:09:22It's been claimed that Rupert Murdoch leant on Gordon Brown to defuse the phone-hacking row.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24A spokesman for the News of the World said:
0:09:26 > 0:09:29He then put down the newspaper and denied the claim.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34The editor of Private Eye has also been embroiled in the scandal
0:09:34 > 0:09:37as evidence has come to light that News of the World journalists
0:09:37 > 0:09:39have been intercepting his messenger pigeon.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Paul and Bob, here's yours.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Right. Um...
0:09:49 > 0:09:54- She's shocked.- She seems to be shocked by the camera-work, I think.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58Um... Is her mouth stuck in that open position? Unfortunate for her.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01That is right. This is the story of Holly Thompson
0:10:01 > 0:10:04who appeared on the BBC Three programme Bizarre ER this week.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07During her politics A-level class,
0:10:07 > 0:10:10she was so bored, she gave a big yawn
0:10:10 > 0:10:12and actually dislocated her jaw.
0:10:14 > 0:10:19How did the school nurse attempt to free Holly's jaw?
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- Er...- Did they show her something interesting politically?- Like Bob!
0:10:24 > 0:10:25In the end
0:10:25 > 0:10:3026 wooden splints were inserted into Holly's mouth,
0:10:30 > 0:10:35stretching it wider and wider and wider until it clicked back into place.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37- AUDIENCE GROANS - Yes!
0:10:37 > 0:10:42- How far back can a human mouth go? - Would you like to find out? Gordon?
0:10:47 > 0:10:51Holly may find politics boring but I beg to differ,
0:10:51 > 0:10:53as I unveil my banana skin of news.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56All four of these have slipped up this week, but how?
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- Here's the first one.- OK.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03- Nick Clegg.- He makes gaffes on such a regular basis,
0:11:03 > 0:11:07it's very difficult. They're like buses.
0:11:07 > 0:11:08Name three.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12The big one was the student fees promise
0:11:12 > 0:11:16that he made so blatantly and then broke.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17I don't think that's this week, though.
0:11:17 > 0:11:22- He's never really recovered from it, has he?- No. No. Any others?
0:11:24 > 0:11:29Anything? No? I mean, I'm just interested.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31You're the MP, after all. Um...
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Ian, you got an idea?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36This is Gillian Duffy, the woman who did for Gordon Brown.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39- That's right.- She's the Susan Boyle of British politics.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46She asked Nick Clegg to... if he can look at her in the eye and tell her that he's happy.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49He got ambushed. The local Labour MP thought,
0:11:49 > 0:11:53"We'll wheel out Gillian again and see if she can end another career."
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Em, but Clegg doesn't really need a lot of help.
0:11:56 > 0:12:01Gillian Duffy collared Nick Clegg this week when he visited Rochdale.
0:12:01 > 0:12:06Earlier in the day he'd given an interview on Sky News where he said this:
0:12:06 > 0:12:07£400 million a day,
0:12:07 > 0:12:11that's enough to build a primary school in Liverpool every 20 minutes.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15And then in his personal one-to-one chat with Gillian Duffy,
0:12:15 > 0:12:20given the chance to put the media speak to one side and give a straight answer, he said this.
0:12:20 > 0:12:26- Do you know how much money we're borrowing every single day?- Well, it's coming out in the press at...
0:12:26 > 0:12:29It's £400 million every single day of the week.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32That's enough to build a primary school here in Rochdale every 20 minutes.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34I wonder what Nick Clegg would do if he won the lottery.
0:12:34 > 0:12:39Build a primary school in Liverpool every 20 minutes?
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- They don't last long, primary schools in Liverpool.- No, that's a lot of primary schools.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Every 20 minutes?! I mean, get the ringleader and sort them out, you know.
0:12:46 > 0:12:51What other signs are there that Nick Clegg is becoming toxic?
0:12:51 > 0:12:54A lot of local councils in the election haven't put him on their leaflets.
0:12:54 > 0:12:59- Not even in Sheffield, I think. - Not even in his own constituency! - His own city.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03He's been airbrushed out of election leaflets in the run-up to May 5th.
0:13:03 > 0:13:08As the leader of the Liberal Democrats in Liverpool has told him, "Please pull out of the coalition...
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Bob, what's it like in the annals of history?
0:13:15 > 0:13:19Let's return to my banana skin of news.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- David Cameron. - Has he gaffed this week?
0:13:26 > 0:13:30Yes, he said the Oxford intake only had one black person
0:13:30 > 0:13:31going in last year and there was 24.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Oxford said David Cameron didn't know what he was talking about,
0:13:34 > 0:13:37David Cameron said Oxford didn't know what they were talking about.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40- Somewhere amidst all that is the answer.- Yes, here he is.
0:13:40 > 0:13:46I saw figures the other day that showed that only one black person went to Oxford last year.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49- I think that is disgraceful. - Oxford needs more waiters than that!
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Oxford University claimed this figure was inaccurate and misleading.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Which he could have found out.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03I went and had a look at the website where it breaks down the figures.
0:14:03 > 0:14:08I know, again, you can't expect the Prime Minister to waste his valuable time getting it right,
0:14:08 > 0:14:11but it is all there, it is broken down.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15There is one Afro-Caribbean in the 2009 figures,
0:14:15 > 0:14:17but the ethnic-minority intake to Oxford
0:14:17 > 0:14:21is above what you would expect for the number of people there.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23So it isn't Oxford being disgraceful.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26He should look at schools, education and lack of opportunity.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30There is one Afro-Caribbean boy getting into Oxford? Why is that?
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Is that the fault of racist admissions tutors,
0:14:32 > 0:14:37or could it be something to do with the 18 years previous to that interview?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Sorry about that.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42APPLAUSE
0:14:42 > 0:14:46What is it they teach you at Oxford that is so good?
0:14:46 > 0:14:50Cos then... I don't have to bother going then.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53- Who paid for your education? - The taxpayer.
0:14:53 > 0:14:58Then I pay my taxes, Bob, and that funds the next generation.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02Or it is meant to except you introduced tuition fees, remember?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05APPLAUSE
0:15:06 > 0:15:10I also left school and started paying taxes so I could pay for your education
0:15:10 > 0:15:14so you could start behaving like a stuck-up, er...
0:15:14 > 0:15:16AUDIENCE GASPS DROWN SPEECH
0:15:16 > 0:15:21I didn't go to university, I worked for the News Of The World. I haven't paid any tax for 25 years.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24APPLAUSE
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Good! Right.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31So there's been another gaffe involving immigration.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33David Cameron and Vince Cable.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37This was on the news just before we came in. I only half-registered it.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41I expect Bob's got the detail.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44He was complain... LAUGHTER
0:15:44 > 0:15:48He was complaining about his language.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51He was saying that he was being inflammatory with the language he was using.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55Yes, Cameron's speech on immigration angered Lib Dem Vince Cable,
0:15:55 > 0:15:58so is this the beginning of the end for the coalition?
0:15:58 > 0:16:01I hope so!
0:16:01 > 0:16:03You could be back, Bob!
0:16:03 > 0:16:06I wouldn't put money on it,
0:16:06 > 0:16:08but, er...
0:16:08 > 0:16:11You'd then be "Bounce-Back" Bob instead of "Bollocks" Bob.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14APPLAUSE
0:16:14 > 0:16:19How has David Cameron proved he is just like an ordinary person?
0:16:19 > 0:16:22They took a budget flight on holiday, flew to somewhere-or-other?
0:16:22 > 0:16:27- They went Ryanair.- And they stayed in a three-star bed-and-breakfast for his wife's 40th birthday.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Just ask her for a divorce, David!
0:16:33 > 0:16:36May have had something to do with the PR approach,
0:16:36 > 0:16:39a nice, friendly picture that shows just like all of us, he's going on holiday.
0:16:39 > 0:16:44Except the picture showed an empty departure lounge. When I fly Ryanair or easyJet,
0:16:44 > 0:16:49- it is not empty.- You are a very popular man, Ian!- Yeah.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Right, back to my banana skin of news.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- Who is that fellow? - Blakey from On The Buses!
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- From me? This week? - It is not a recent gaffe.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Oh, cos this week, I couldn't think of any.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11- Something you announced...- There are loads of those.- ..in the run-up to the general election.
0:17:11 > 0:17:17I told everybody what the general election date was going to be and upset Gordon Brown.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Let's look at what you said, and bear in mind at this point
0:17:19 > 0:17:22no-one in the Government - repeat, NO-ONE - was allowed to reveal
0:17:22 > 0:17:24the exact date the election would be held.
0:17:24 > 0:17:29We haven't lost our election. We need to fight it together
0:17:29 > 0:17:32with all of our strengths and ability
0:17:32 > 0:17:34and put that choice to the British public
0:17:34 > 0:17:37because I think they will wake up and rue the day
0:17:37 > 0:17:41if they wind up with a Conservative Government in charge of this country
0:17:41 > 0:17:43after the 6th May.
0:17:46 > 0:17:51You plotted against him, didn't you? He didn't like you cos you tried to get rid of him.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Oh...
0:17:53 > 0:17:54How do you know that?
0:17:55 > 0:17:57He told us.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01He's nodding.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06And going like that!
0:18:06 > 0:18:09MPs' expenses have been back in the news this week.
0:18:09 > 0:18:14According to the Telegraph, over two dozens MPs who swiftly repaid questionable expenses...
0:18:18 > 0:18:23They included Cheryl Gillan the Welsh Secretary who asked to be reimbursed once again for...
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Three tins of food, her dog ate.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Let's remind ourselves of the greedy bitch.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Finally, how have state politicians in Oregon
0:18:38 > 0:18:41managed to make local politics less boring?
0:18:41 > 0:18:44- Sharing the lyrics. - That's absolutely right.
0:18:44 > 0:18:50They have been inserting lines from a Rick Astley hit from the 1980s into their speeches,
0:18:50 > 0:18:53word by word, phrase by phrase.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56The hit is Never Gonna Give You Up. Let's have a look.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- I just want to tell you how I'm feeling.- Make sure you understand.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03- I'm never going to give you up. - I'll never let you down.- We're not going to run around and desert you.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05# Never gonna make you cry
0:19:05 > 0:19:07# Never gonna say goodbye
0:19:07 > 0:19:10# Never gonna tell a lie
0:19:10 > 0:19:12# And hurt you... #
0:19:12 > 0:19:16- We've known each other for so long. - Your heart's been aching.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18- But you're too shy to say it. - Inside we both know.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20- What's been going on.- We know the game and we're going to play it.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23- If you ask me. - How I'm feeling about this.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Don't tell me you are too blind to see it.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26Never going to give.
0:19:26 > 0:19:27We are never going to let you down.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29We are not going to run around and desert you.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31- Never going to.- Make you cry.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33- Never going to say goodbye. - I won't tell a lie.- And hurt you.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Ooh!
0:19:37 > 0:19:39APPLAUSE
0:19:41 > 0:19:45Yes, this is the news that politics can be a little boring,
0:19:45 > 0:19:49so boring that a student yawned so hard in a politics lesson that she dislocated her jaw.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51The student was taken to hospital
0:19:51 > 0:19:54where her condition was described as "hilarious".
0:19:56 > 0:19:58It's been a remarkable rise for Gillian Duffy. Last year
0:19:58 > 0:20:01she confronted Gordon Brown, this week she harangued Nick Clegg.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05Next week she is off to Tripoli for a few words with Colonel Gaddafi.
0:20:06 > 0:20:12And so to Round Two and the fun continues with the picture spin quiz. Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- BELL RINGS - It's Yuri Gagarin.- It is.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21It's 50 years since he was the first man in space.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25That's topical news. Er...
0:20:25 > 0:20:29And it's very exciting cos it's 50 years.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33Since he was the first man in space.
0:20:33 > 0:20:39Yes, it's the 50th anniversary of Yuri Gagarin becoming the first man in space.
0:20:39 > 0:20:44- What was Gagarin's main concern just minutes before takeoff? - That he was going to die
0:20:44 > 0:20:48a horrible death, in a blaze of meteorites,
0:20:48 > 0:20:50like the poor dog that was sent up before him,
0:20:50 > 0:20:54that they now admit died - Lawka or Looka or something like that -
0:20:54 > 0:20:56through sheer stress, not knowing what was happening,
0:20:56 > 0:20:59and they never said it died cos Russia didn't want to be
0:20:59 > 0:21:02the first nation to fire a dead dog into outer space.
0:21:02 > 0:21:07So, erm, he was the one that went first, but then Yuri Gagarin went after him.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09- What was the dog's name? - Began with an L. Lawka or something.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13- AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTS OUT - Laika, somebody said. Laika.
0:21:13 > 0:21:14Part dog, part camera.
0:21:17 > 0:21:23So his main concern just before takeoff was his food supplies on landing. He said...
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Presumably left by the dog...
0:21:28 > 0:21:33What did Gagarin say as the rockets were igniting and which has become his catchphrase?
0:21:33 > 0:21:35"Can you smell a dead dog in here?"
0:21:37 > 0:21:39"I'll open the window. Oh, that's a mistake."
0:21:39 > 0:21:45Did he say, "To infinity and beyond"?
0:21:45 > 0:21:48In a Russian accent.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51That would have been much cooler. He said, "Poyekhali," which means,
0:21:51 > 0:21:54"Off we go."
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Hooray!
0:21:55 > 0:22:00What worrying observation was made about Gagarin's abilities whilst at pilot school?
0:22:00 > 0:22:05- He's so drunk he can't stand up. - Did he fail his test first time?
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Making him, therefore, a better...
0:22:07 > 0:22:11- You never hear about anybody failing their pilot's test. - Not their first launch into space.
0:22:11 > 0:22:16"I got to 30,000 feet, it was going well, then I stalled!"
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Do you have a pilot's test? Surely you must.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23- "When I hit the dashboard, re-enter." - Who are we talking about now?!
0:22:23 > 0:22:27- Enough of your Hollywood stories, young man. - We don't need to go into that.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30You stay where you are, Gordon!
0:22:34 > 0:22:39Gordon invisible is doing better than he ever did visible!
0:22:39 > 0:22:42There's a warmth to the invisible presence of Gordon Brown.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46He's a good lad, I tell you. Cold hands, but a good lad!
0:22:46 > 0:22:48APPLAUSE
0:22:48 > 0:22:53Apparently Yuri Gagarin showed promise in everything except landing.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02- BELL RINGS - Yes, Ian?
0:23:02 > 0:23:04This is the Happiness Movement.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06They've launched Happiness Awareness Day.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10Everyone's got to be happier, and one of the ways is you get free hugs.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13- Would you like a hug?- No.- All right.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- Where does this happen?- This is in Britain, amazingly!- UK-wide?
0:23:16 > 0:23:20- Yeah, it was launched in London. - "Free hugs" - bullshit!
0:23:20 > 0:23:22LAUGHTER
0:23:22 > 0:23:25They always publish these happiness indexes
0:23:25 > 0:23:28and they show you where's the happiest places in the UK,
0:23:28 > 0:23:32and it's always that the most happy people are people from Kensington,
0:23:32 > 0:23:35and at the bottom are people from Doncaster. Shock revelations
0:23:35 > 0:23:38that people who shop in Waitrose and cycle to work
0:23:38 > 0:23:43are more chuffed than people who have seen a dog's paw print in a human shite.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Wow(!)
0:23:47 > 0:23:51Shock(!) Who saw that coming(?) APPLAUSE
0:23:51 > 0:23:54David Cameron got a bit cross about people not being able to have fun.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Let's have a look at one of his attempts to make us all happy.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00These penpushers and busybodies are completely wrong.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03They have no right to stop you from having fun,
0:24:03 > 0:24:07and let me put it like this. I'm the Prime Minister and I'm telling you,
0:24:07 > 0:24:12if you want to have a street party, you go ahead and have one!
0:24:13 > 0:24:17He's trying to get us used to being on the street cos he's going to make so many of us homeless.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20I think that's why he's encouraging street parties,
0:24:20 > 0:24:24to try and network and find people that can put us up, really.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27D'you want to see someone else who is definitely not happy?
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Here is Peter Hitchens at the recent Press Awards,
0:24:30 > 0:24:33hearing that Matthew Parris has won Columnist of the Year.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39..and he is... Matthew Parris!
0:24:47 > 0:24:48Time for the Missing Words round
0:24:48 > 0:24:51which features as its guest publication
0:24:51 > 0:24:52The Missing Link.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56The British Sausage Appreciation Society newsletter.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59If you're curious about its contents, you don't want to know.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01We start with:
0:25:06 > 0:25:08KEVIN: What a night!
0:25:08 > 0:25:11APPLAUSE
0:25:13 > 0:25:16He said he gave her the money
0:25:16 > 0:25:19in order that she wouldn't become a prostitute.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Berlusconi went on to claim...
0:25:31 > 0:25:35Although going another way would have cost extra!
0:25:35 > 0:25:40What was the Czech President spotted doing this week?
0:25:40 > 0:25:43- Kevin.- He stole somebody's pen. - He did indeed.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46- Have we got a clip?- We do.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49He stole the ceremonial pen during an official visit to Chile.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS
0:25:59 > 0:26:03SEBASTIAN PINERA SPEAKS SPANISH
0:26:24 > 0:26:29How happy is that guy going to be when Argos open up in the Czech Republic?
0:26:29 > 0:26:30Was there any comeback to it?
0:26:30 > 0:26:35He must have been annoyed they were playing that music while he was doing it. Next...
0:26:41 > 0:26:43As lover of the great British banger.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Showing sausages unite people around the world.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Is almost the right answer.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58President Christine Fernandez is an appropriate spokeswoman for the sausage
0:26:58 > 0:27:01as she is all eyes, teeth and hair!
0:27:04 > 0:27:06And finally...
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Delouse the cat.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18This is Emma Keeitch,
0:27:18 > 0:27:22who did a runner after she discovered the word "move" written in condensation on a window.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24According to the Star, the ghost also...
0:27:27 > 0:27:29To make matters worse,
0:27:29 > 0:27:32it was the wrong recycling bin, so she got fined as well.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36So the final scores are...
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Ian and Kevin have six,
0:27:38 > 0:27:41but this week's winners are Paul and Bob with seven.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43APPLAUSE
0:27:48 > 0:27:50On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:27:50 > 0:27:54Ian Hislop and Kevin Bridges, Paul Merton and Bob Ainsworth. I leave you with the news
0:27:54 > 0:27:59that word spreads that food ministries have agreed to a worldwide ban on turtle soup.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07After touring a factory in Swindon,
0:28:07 > 0:28:10David Cameron helps Nick Clegg into his seat in the prime ministerial car.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15And finally, theatre news.
0:28:15 > 0:28:19There's a serious problem with the casting in the Beijing production of Oliver!
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Good night.
0:28:43 > 0:28:47Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:47 > 0:28:51E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:41:41 > 0:41:45I think we should admit that Gordon Brown isn't actually here.
0:41:45 > 0:41:46LAUGHTER
0:41:46 > 0:41:48No, no, I think we should keep it going,
0:41:48 > 0:41:54because next week he can appear as a glove puppet.