0:00:30 > 0:00:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Rhod Gilbert.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45In the news this week: At the finishing line of the Greenwich barrel rolling contest,
0:00:45 > 0:00:49there is suspicions that the winner may have consumed all the contents before the race.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59In Westminster, David Cameron goes through the usual
0:00:59 > 0:01:02routine after shaking hands with some working class people.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10And there is allegations of extraordinary rendition resurface.
0:01:10 > 0:01:15There's evidence that MI6 may have hired a former producer of You've Been Framed as chief interrogator.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Ahhh!
0:01:26 > 0:01:30On Ian Hislop's team is a Conservative MP and chick lit author
0:01:30 > 0:01:32who has written 14 novels
0:01:32 > 0:01:35or if you want to be cynical, the same novel 14 times.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Please welcome, Louise Bagshawe.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40APPLAUSE
0:01:44 > 0:01:47And with Paul Merton tonight is a comedian who, as a young man,
0:01:47 > 0:01:50worked long lonely spells on an oil rig, when at any moment
0:01:50 > 0:01:53he could have been pounded to death by a massive Derek.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Please welcome, Marcus Brigstocke.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58CHEEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:02 > 0:02:05And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Paul and Marcus, take a look at this.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Ah, yes, this is the marvellous news that has us all leaping about.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16Our hearts are fully in the air... and that's Prince Philip, er...
0:02:16 > 0:02:19For security reasons, he has to live down a drain.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22They are looking for people who would be so sick
0:02:22 > 0:02:24as to ruin this happy occasion.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26- There's one.- There's one, for example.
0:02:26 > 0:02:27Oh and there is another.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31That's the Archbishop of Canterbury of there.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33I think you should do the coverage at the wedding, Paul?
0:02:33 > 0:02:35I would be happy to do so, but they won't let me.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38- They have given it to the bloke from Formula One.- No!- Yeah!
0:02:38 > 0:02:42- Here it comes!- No, you're mixing it up with the guy who did it before,
0:02:42 > 0:02:43that was Murray Walker.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48How does Jake Humphry do it then? Does he do it differently?
0:02:48 > 0:02:51It is difficult to do Formula One in a more sedate fashion, isn't it?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53I don't know. I don't really watch Formula One,
0:02:53 > 0:02:56it's not really much of a sport for me. The first car wins.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Do you like other forms of racing?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00- Yes.- Ones where the first thing doesn't win?- Yes.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05It is called the alternative race, and you vote for...
0:03:05 > 0:03:07the third person in the race.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12- That's not really the Archbishop of Canterbury, is it?- Is it not?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14I mean, he's charismatic and enthusiastic,
0:03:14 > 0:03:16but I don't think he dances like that.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Very rarely hammered.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Hammertime. You can't touch this.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Don't try and be cool, you're a Tory MP.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28In fairness, quoting MC Hammer isn't massively cool now, is it?
0:03:30 > 0:03:31It is in Wales!
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I have no idea what they are talking about!
0:03:37 > 0:03:39It is one of Einstein's special theories.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41E=MC Hammer.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45It wasn't the Archbishop of Canterbury.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47So who was it, prey tell?
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Could this be an advertising commercial, pushing some product,
0:03:50 > 0:03:52in a commercial business-like way?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Let's have a bit more of it. It is an advert, you're quite right.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01MUSIC: House of Love by East 17
0:04:46 > 0:04:48APPLAUSE
0:04:49 > 0:04:54The fantastic thing is you've cut it off before we see what it's advertising.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56- Yeah...- It's for a funeral director in Wigan!
0:04:59 > 0:05:01It was funny if Harry had goose-stepped down the...
0:05:03 > 0:05:06It was an advert for T-Mobile, just to put this to bed.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Some Americans apparently thought that was real footage!
0:05:09 > 0:05:11No, it is true!
0:05:11 > 0:05:14According to the Metropolitan Police,
0:05:14 > 0:05:16what will not be tolerated on the day?
0:05:16 > 0:05:20Any attempt to crash the wedding by people who haven't got a ticket.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21Damn.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Isn't it normally an invite to a wedding?
0:05:23 > 0:05:25What did I say?
0:05:25 > 0:05:26A ticket.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27A ticket.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32I was thinking of the one Prince Andrew sold me!
0:05:35 > 0:05:37APPLAUSE
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Each individual is only allowed 15 feet of personal bunting.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Have you got your 15 feet of personal bunting yet?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49- No, I could only get 12. - Oh, really?- Yeah.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53The Metropolitan Police said what would not be tolerated -
0:05:53 > 0:05:55flag burning and violent protests.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Police are liaising with...
0:06:01 > 0:06:02- Do we know who they are?- No.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06They identify individuals who are, and I quote:
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Are these people who stalk the mentally ill Royals?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Isn't English an incredible thing?
0:06:17 > 0:06:19According to the Telegraph,
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Kate has invited her first boyfriend, Willem Marx.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25I like Williams that are too posh to bother with the E bit.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Oh, Willem! My name's Willem!
0:06:30 > 0:06:33At the bottom you have, sort of, people like Bill Maynard.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Then if you're a bit posher, sort of, Will somebody...
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Above that, it is just a noise.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39That's it.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40What's your name?
0:06:42 > 0:06:43HE MUTTERS
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Is it Bill, Will, William, Willem...
0:06:46 > 0:06:47HE MUTTERS Yeah.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49That's the top one.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Funnily, I was at school with...
0:06:52 > 0:06:53What is he doing these days?
0:06:53 > 0:06:55He works in...
0:06:55 > 0:06:56HE MUTTERS
0:06:56 > 0:06:57It is the family firm.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Yeah, should do well.
0:06:59 > 0:07:04Prince William was going out with someone called Carly Massy-Birch?
0:07:04 > 0:07:06That's a firm of solicitors, isn't it?
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Either that or a tractor.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Yeah.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Carly's mother, Mary Massy-Birch, said:
0:07:24 > 0:07:26- You're a romantic novelist, aren't you?- I am.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28So is this a great romantic occasion?
0:07:28 > 0:07:31I think it's the top romantic occasion,
0:07:31 > 0:07:32isn't it? No-one can top this.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Have you used it as a plot, a Royal romance?
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Um, I actually have used a royal romance.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40- Did it end well? - She got to be Queen.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42When you marry the heir to the throne,
0:07:42 > 0:07:45these days that's not a dead cert. It was a win for her.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47They're trying to change that for her though, aren't they?
0:07:47 > 0:07:51I think there's an effort to change it so that if Kate and William have a girl,
0:07:51 > 0:07:52she might be allowed to be queen.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Rock on, sisters.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57- They should definitely do that. - Rock on, sisters?
0:07:57 > 0:07:58Yes.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00The Tory party really HAS changed.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06You say it has changed, but David Cameron's not sure.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10He was going to wear a lounge suit to the wedding and now he is going to wear tails.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13He seems uncertain as to what his public image should be.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17He didn't want to wear tails in case he looked posh.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20There he is. That's white tie, not morning dress.
0:08:20 > 0:08:25Oh dear, you knew that off the top of your head, that's a bit posh, isn't it?
0:08:25 > 0:08:27- Oh dear!- You picked that up!
0:08:28 > 0:08:30You picked that up right away, man of the people!
0:08:30 > 0:08:34- That's what he turn up... - Rock on brothers!
0:08:34 > 0:08:36APPLAUSE
0:08:39 > 0:08:43Your cover as ordinary, working class geezer has been somewhat blown!
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Ian Hislop or shall I call you Gary?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- On a personal level, will you be watching the Royal Wedding?- No.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Will you behaving a street party?
0:08:54 > 0:08:55Suggests that I live in a street!
0:08:59 > 0:09:01I won't be at a street party,
0:09:01 > 0:09:04but I shall be having a party watching the wedding on television.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05- Will you?- Yeah.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07With myself.
0:09:08 > 0:09:09Oh, God,
0:09:09 > 0:09:12that's one of the most grotesque images that's ever passed through my head!
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Let me replace that image...
0:09:14 > 0:09:18I will be taking my 15 yards of bunting and hanging myself soon as they walk down the aisle.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Will you behaving a party, Louise?
0:09:20 > 0:09:24I might take the kids to a street party in my patch.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Perhaps we'll just wave the bunting. Nick his bunting and wave it.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29You would cut me down, then take the bunting
0:09:29 > 0:09:33with which I've hung myself and give it to your children?
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Does this mean that we are all in this together?
0:09:36 > 0:09:39These are times of austerity, Mr Merton,
0:09:39 > 0:09:42I can't let perfectly good bunting go to waste, you know.
0:09:42 > 0:09:47- Well, I think it shows a caring side to the Tory Party that I didn't know existed.- Absolutely.
0:09:47 > 0:09:52If you haven't got a suit for the wedding, go down the cemetery, dig some up. Yeah, go on.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54He's only been dead a week. Go on, put it on...
0:09:54 > 0:09:58What's going to happen at Buckingham Palace at precisely 12.30am?
0:09:58 > 0:10:00- They're turning the lights off. - They are.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02All the foreign crews are furious
0:10:02 > 0:10:05because their audiences will have just woken up.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09So when all the American broadcasters want to stand outside Buckingham Palace and say,
0:10:09 > 0:10:12"Here I am, live." It's going to be completely dark.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15How selfish of us.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Why couldn't we time the wedding
0:10:17 > 0:10:19to be in the middle of the night here
0:10:19 > 0:10:21so the Americans could watch?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24I hope there are ad breaks
0:10:24 > 0:10:26so that MBC can shove in an advert for...
0:10:26 > 0:10:30What is it, nachos, they have?
0:10:30 > 0:10:33LAUGHTER
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Oh, blimey.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42The BBC's royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell has been busy.
0:10:42 > 0:10:47I get the impression that covering the minutiae of Royal life is getting to him.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50We can speak to our royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52This story breaking in the last half hour or so.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54What exactly has happened?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Well, not a lot to be candid. I mean, you pretty much said it all.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Don't panic, he will be back in time for the wedding.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01They're opening a community academy
0:11:01 > 0:11:05and our royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell is there in Darwen for us.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09They've been greeting everybody waiting patiently in the rain to see them.
0:11:09 > 0:11:14Yeah, you're not kidding about the rain, Kate, I can tell you.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Our royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell is there for us now.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20It's going to be a big moment for them, Nick, isn't it?
0:11:20 > 0:11:24- FLATLY: - Yes, I'm sure it is.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26- Great.- That's fantastic.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29- APPLAUSE - Very good.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33Moving on.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36There's even a video wedding book for the public to sign.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Let's have a look at some of the messages of goodwill and affection
0:11:39 > 0:11:42that have been left so far.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Aw, lovely.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Something for the happy couple to treasure there.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Does anybody know how food-lovers are able to celebrate it?
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Yes, they can buy doughnuts shaped like the bride. What's the next question?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18And there's a Kate Middleton jelly bean.
0:12:18 > 0:12:23- Like Jesus, her face was in a jelly bean. - I thought this story was a fraud.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24Let's have a look at it.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28I do think if that turned up on the day...
0:12:28 > 0:12:30that William would know.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33I mean, even if you put a veil over that,
0:12:33 > 0:12:38I think he'd know that probably wasn't really Kate Middleton.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41- Well, I don't know...- I want to know how big the Jelly bean is.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Big Day nerves. He thinks to himself,
0:12:43 > 0:12:45"She's got herself ready, I better not criticise her.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47- LAUGHTER - "She looks like a jelly bean
0:12:47 > 0:12:51"but it's taken her five hours to get to this point."
0:12:51 > 0:12:54There's something really odd about that story.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Yes. It's almost as if elements of it were made up.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Do I need to do this number six?
0:12:59 > 0:13:01- DIRECTOR: You do Helen Mirren.- Yes...
0:13:01 > 0:13:07That's nice. We'd all like to do Helen Mirren, but we've got to do a bloody quiz show, mate!
0:13:07 > 0:13:10- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - That's what we're doing here.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- Helen Mirren played the Queen, of course.- Oh, yes.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17And here she is talking about John Gielgud on BBC Breakfast news.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21That always inspired me, he always took kind of edgy choices.
0:13:21 > 0:13:22And he swore a lot, as I remember.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26- Well, in that wonderful voice he had. - Exactly.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30- "You little shit," he'd say. Oh! - No, we can't say that!
0:13:30 > 0:13:34- I'm so sorry.- Take that back, that never happened.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37If you heard that, we're very sorry.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Yes, this is the day everyone's been looking forward to.
0:13:43 > 0:13:48The Sun reports that Prince William will share a series of heart-to-hearts with his father.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49Who, it is rumoured, will say,
0:13:49 > 0:13:52"My advice is don't get too close to the first one."
0:13:52 > 0:13:55GASPS AND SNIGGERING
0:13:59 > 0:14:02The wedding day itinerary states that at 1.30pm
0:14:02 > 0:14:04there will be a fly-past by the RAF tornadoes
0:14:04 > 0:14:06on their way to bomb Libya.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Ian and Louise, here is yours.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15Ah, "No to AV." Nick Clegg's looking a bit sad.
0:14:15 > 0:14:20He's going to drink from the cup of desolation as he looks at the "Yes to AV" poll ratings.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22He doesn't say much, does he?
0:14:22 > 0:14:23This is AV.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27Quite literally, the most boring election the UK has ever held
0:14:27 > 0:14:32- and that is saying something...- How can you say that after that clip?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Admittedly, I was on the edge of my seat,
0:14:34 > 0:14:39but when you knock on doors and say, "Yes to AV, no to AV," nobody knows what you're talking about
0:14:39 > 0:14:41because literally nobody cares.
0:14:41 > 0:14:47Maybe you need to rephrase the banter you've got. Is that what you're doing, "Yes to AV, no to AV"?
0:14:47 > 0:14:53"Hello, I'm Louise, would you like to change the voting system?" "No, I wouldn't" Slam. There you go. Thanks.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Why do they slam the door?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57They're busy people in Corby and East Northampton,
0:14:57 > 0:14:59we've got a lot going on.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01In Corby, they're so busy they slam the door.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04And you get a free trouser press as well.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08We don't have anything to do with the trouser press, but we do have a volcano on Mars,
0:15:08 > 0:15:13- which I think is a fair swap. - There's a volcano on Mars called Corby?- Yes.- Do you represent that?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Because I know that some of the boundary distinctions...
0:15:16 > 0:15:20- are being redrawn as part of the process.- No, I like that.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24I like that I could be the only MP with an interstellar constituency...
0:15:24 > 0:15:29- No, there's plenty of Tory MPs who think they've got constituents on Mars.- No, no, no...
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Can I just say, the important thing about the AV vote
0:15:32 > 0:15:35is it's been conducted under a first-past-the-post system.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Yes.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41You have yes and no.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43I didn't care about it a great deal
0:15:43 > 0:15:48until a lot of the "No to AV" stuff started coming through my letterbox
0:15:48 > 0:15:51and there were people on the telly saying,
0:15:51 > 0:15:54"Of course, I understand AV... but you won't.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57"You definitely won't.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59"It is very, very complicated
0:15:59 > 0:16:01"and you're probably too thick.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04"Here's my friend William to explain it."
0:16:04 > 0:16:06LAUGHTER And that really got up my nose.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09It's moderately complicated,
0:16:09 > 0:16:13but it's not so difficult that I think most people in this country
0:16:13 > 0:16:15couldn't get it if they want it.
0:16:15 > 0:16:20- Under first-past-the-post you have less coalition governments. - We've got one now!
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Under AV, you'll get one every single time.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26So if you love Nick Clegg, you love the Lib Dems, then...
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- Is that true, you get one every single time?- Let's look...
0:16:29 > 0:16:33- A coalition government "every single time."- Pretty much.- Rod, AV is very complicated. I wouldn't...
0:16:33 > 0:16:35LAUGHTER
0:16:35 > 0:16:39I wouldn't fuss your little head about it.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43AV is used by three countries around the world.
0:16:43 > 0:16:48- But the rest of the world uses first-past-the-post.- Most of the rest of the world is starving.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49LAUGHTER
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Pretty solid argument for not eating.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54LAUGHTER
0:16:54 > 0:16:57APPLAUSE
0:16:59 > 0:17:04I don't know why I said that. I'm more or less on your side, but it's such a terrible argument.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Yes, the AV campaign is really hotting up.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09This week saw politicians from different parties teaming up,
0:17:09 > 0:17:11such as Ed Miliband and Vince Cable,
0:17:11 > 0:17:13and David Cameron and John Reid.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17In the semi-finals of Bald Old Man And Shiny Posh Friend Of The Earth.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24David Cameron has been accused this week
0:17:24 > 0:17:28of blocking Gordon Brown's chances of becoming head of the IMF.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30For some time now, Gordon had an eye on the IMF job
0:17:30 > 0:17:33and his other eye in a box on the mantelpiece.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36At the end of that round...
0:17:36 > 0:17:38I'd quite like to be head of the IMF.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42At the end of that round, Ian would like to be head of the IMF.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44- Can't you nominate yourself?- Yeah.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48- I think you'd do a very good job. - Can't you get hold of a ticket somewhere?
0:17:50 > 0:17:51And so, to round two -
0:17:51 > 0:17:55The Strengthometer Of News.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01This is... Well, the M1 was closed
0:18:01 > 0:18:04and so a fella in a dressing gown
0:18:04 > 0:18:06went and did his ironing on it.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09There was a fire on the M1, I knew about it.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12As I was driving along, my sat-nav melted. So I knew...
0:18:12 > 0:18:14I knew something was happening.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17I saw a bit of news this morning and he was on doing that.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Is that the dedication you've got to this show after all these years?
0:18:20 > 0:18:23"I briefly saw a bit of news this morning?"
0:18:23 > 0:18:25I seem to win no matter how much I watch.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31We've had AV here for years!
0:18:31 > 0:18:35They're trying to level the playing field by being pig-ignorant, but it doesn't work.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39How did he explain his behaviour? What did he say?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42I've been under a lot of stress.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44I've got a pressing engagement!
0:18:44 > 0:18:48GUFFAWING
0:18:48 > 0:18:50He said...
0:18:50 > 0:18:53SIGHS
0:18:53 > 0:18:56What did the Highways Agency have to say about the whole thing?
0:18:56 > 0:18:59If we'd had a gun, we would have shot him dead.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02How's that for irony?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07And your pleat's crooked. Bang!
0:19:07 > 0:19:09No...
0:19:09 > 0:19:11They said...
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Back to the main story of the fire.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23The papers were quick to criticise slow-moving transport chiefs.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25What in particular did they pick up on?
0:19:25 > 0:19:28There was a fire underneath the bridge and, as far as I know,
0:19:28 > 0:19:32most of the M1's still closed, whereas the Japanese had a tsunami
0:19:32 > 0:19:35and their motorways are now up and open.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Absolutely right! The papers pointed out the Japanese motorway,
0:19:39 > 0:19:43ripped apart by the devastating earthquake, was restored just six days later.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46But, to be fair, nobody's stuck up for British workers in saying
0:19:46 > 0:19:51that our motorways came through the Japanese earthquake unscathed. So...
0:19:53 > 0:19:56There's great comfort in those words.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00Junior Transport Minister Mike Penning had some advice. What did he say?
0:20:00 > 0:20:01Use the A1?
0:20:03 > 0:20:04No, he said:
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Bad news for recreational users.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Anyone else had transport difficulties?
0:20:15 > 0:20:18- Ian usually has trouble. - No, it was Real Madrid,
0:20:18 > 0:20:23celebrating their cup victory over Barcelona on Wednesday and we can have a look.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Oh, that was brilliant!
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Yes, this is the closure of the M1 after a fire,
0:20:38 > 0:20:41causing motorists marginally more misery than usual.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Apparently there were plans to reinforce the north-bound M1
0:20:44 > 0:20:49after rumours Eric Pickles was planning to give John Prescott a lift home for Easter.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- Sorry, Pickles!- YOU'RE sorry?
0:20:55 > 0:20:58I'm the one that's going to get it in the neck on Tuesday morning.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Has he got no sense of direction?
0:21:06 > 0:21:11APPLAUSE
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Time now for the odd-one-out round.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Just one between you this week and the four are:
0:21:16 > 0:21:21A, B, C and D.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22BELL
0:21:22 > 0:21:25You've got four blank faces, you cannot see who they are,
0:21:25 > 0:21:27you're not allowed to know who they are,
0:21:27 > 0:21:30they may or may not have done something with ladies
0:21:30 > 0:21:35who are not their wives, one of them definitely doesn't rhyme with ...
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Even though he's a footballer.
0:21:37 > 0:21:42- And, er, one of them might not... - Can someone call the police?
0:21:42 > 0:21:46I'm sitting here next to a Conservative MP
0:21:46 > 0:21:50who's trying to break a series of super-injunctions.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53I'm absolutely appalled!
0:21:53 > 0:21:57These gentlemen are perfectly entitled to privacy.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00They may have slept with a bunch of slappers, all of them,
0:22:00 > 0:22:05without telling their wives, but that is entirely their own affair. Whether they run banks
0:22:05 > 0:22:08or play football or act in popular television shows,
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- it's none of your business! - None of your business.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Or have columns in newspapers. Really!
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Or indeed edit Private Eye. Could be anybody.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22Four people were very disappointed at a photo-me booth.
0:22:23 > 0:22:29The answer is there is an odd-one-out but, for legal reasons, we can't tell you which one or why.
0:22:29 > 0:22:34Theoretically, might the odd-one-out be Sir Fred Goodwin
0:22:34 > 0:22:36because he was named by my colleague John Hemming,
0:22:36 > 0:22:40in the House of Commons, as being the subject of a super-injunction?
0:22:40 > 0:22:44And, because he said it, I can report that he said it. Whether or not he was right,
0:22:44 > 0:22:48- who's to say?- I do.- I have no idea.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52- Yeah, it was him.- He could've made it up out of thin air.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56- No, no, he tried to get a super-injunction.- I didn't say that.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57Mm. I did, though.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04- To put some flesh on these rather vague bones...- Yeah, just tell us who they are.- Yep.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08Mr Justice Eady, at the centre of the most recent privacy cases,
0:23:08 > 0:23:11issued an unprecedented injunction to a TV star on Wednesday.
0:23:11 > 0:23:12What was it?
0:23:12 > 0:23:15It was that no-one could ever publish a photograph
0:23:15 > 0:23:20involving this person ever again, in any domain in the whole world ever.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- Absolutely.- And nobody could mention it to their work colleagues,
0:23:23 > 0:23:26that their had to be total and utter privacy,
0:23:26 > 0:23:33throughout the galaxy until time literally ends and Dr Brian Cox goes...
0:23:33 > 0:23:36No, it's not the galaxy. He issued an injunction...
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Judges are making up privacy law as they see fit.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45We don't have a proper privacy law, which you lot in Parliament
0:23:45 > 0:23:48should've got round to but you haven't. And it's time you did,
0:23:48 > 0:23:50to stop judges making it up as they go along.
0:23:50 > 0:23:55Cos they inevitably balance freedom of the individual privacy
0:23:55 > 0:23:59against the press's freedom of expression and, obviously,
0:23:59 > 0:24:02in the case of slappers and footballers, it's arguable.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04But a proper case will come along
0:24:04 > 0:24:08where we need to know what's happening and we won't be able to cos of these stupid injunctions.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14What are the consequences of us breaking these rules?
0:24:14 > 0:24:18If I know who one of these people is and I broke it, what would happen to me?
0:24:18 > 0:24:22- You'd go to jail. - You'd get the question right, first.
0:24:22 > 0:24:27- So there's a point in it. - So, already, you're a winner.- Yes.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29And then it's not great after that.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32But, short term, let's just focus on the game in question.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36Let's get this done and then worry about your future after.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39It's getting out of hand. I was playing Cluedo the other day
0:24:39 > 0:24:42and I got a letter from Professor Plum's lawyers
0:24:42 > 0:24:45telling me I couldn't name him, the name of the room or the murder weapon.
0:24:45 > 0:24:50Time now for the missing words round, which this week features as its guest publication
0:24:50 > 0:24:53the self-help magazine that sensitively tries to guide its readers
0:24:53 > 0:24:56through the stresses and strains of modern living.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58It's Going Bonkers magazine.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01We start with:
0:25:06 > 0:25:09"Dear me, I regard you as a huge drain on my resources."
0:25:11 > 0:25:14"Dear Eric, I regard you as a huge Pickles."
0:25:16 > 0:25:19"Dear elephant, I regard you as a huge,
0:25:19 > 0:25:21"unmentioned thing in the room."
0:25:24 > 0:25:26"Dear News of the World, I regard you as a huge,
0:25:26 > 0:25:28"illegal answer-phone service."
0:25:30 > 0:25:34It's "Dear Fear, I regard you as a huge piranha."
0:25:34 > 0:25:38This is a letter in Going Bonkers, which says:
0:25:43 > 0:25:46- Piranhas don't have tentacles.- No.
0:25:46 > 0:25:50They do with this one, it was written by a fisherman in Fukushima.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Next:
0:25:56 > 0:25:58"Wait till you get married on Friday."
0:26:00 > 0:26:04"Then you shouldn't have gone into a coalition."
0:26:04 > 0:26:06It's not from one of your books, is it?
0:26:06 > 0:26:09No, it's about love and joy in my books.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11If this was chick lit, how would you finish it?
0:26:11 > 0:26:15"Gregory walked into the room. The moonlight played upon his greying temples.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19"He moved over to the harmonium and dashed off a Beethoven etude.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21"She looks him in the eye, he looks her in the eye.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24"They had something in common - they were both drunk."
0:26:25 > 0:26:29- Is that the right answer?- I dunno, but Louise was scribbling furiously.
0:26:37 > 0:26:38And, finally:
0:26:41 > 0:26:45"They work well in hot water, but they then have to be poured
0:26:45 > 0:26:49"through the spout of opportunity into the cup of hopefulness."
0:26:49 > 0:26:52MARCUS: "Says inventor of human-flavoured tea."
0:26:54 > 0:26:57"They come in many shapes and sizes
0:26:57 > 0:27:00"and we shouldn't try to find the perfect tea bag,
0:27:00 > 0:27:04"cos some are triangular, some are round and some are square.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08"And some aren't even tea bags, they're loose tea.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11"And they need to be looked after more than the other tea.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15"Cos they haven't been put in a bag. They haven't been given boundaries."
0:27:17 > 0:27:18And the answer is:
0:27:21 > 0:27:24In boiling water?!
0:27:24 > 0:27:26What? Cold water's not much of a test!
0:27:26 > 0:27:29"He's been in there for five weeks."
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Get 'em in the boiling water, see how tough they are!
0:27:33 > 0:27:37So the final scores are Ian and Louise have five,
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Paul and Marcus have seven.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41APPLAUSE
0:27:46 > 0:27:48On which note we say thank you to our panellists
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Ian Hislop and Louise Bagshawe, Paul Merton and Marcus Brigstocke.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55And I leave you with news that, at the signing of the new US-Italian alliance,
0:27:55 > 0:27:59President Obama has to make one more concession than he would have liked.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06After driving the streets of Berkshire,
0:28:06 > 0:28:10a pensioner finally tracks down the gang who stole her curtains.
0:28:14 > 0:28:20And, after one Cabinet split too many, David Cameron waits patiently for Vince Cable to leave his house.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Goodnight.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:57 > 0:29:01E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk