0:00:25 > 0:00:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Thank you very much. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I'm Alexander Armstrong. In the news this week...
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Round the back of Westminster Abbey, as the Royal Wedding guests depart
0:00:47 > 0:00:50and the Duchess of Gloucester searches for her missing hat,
0:00:50 > 0:00:55the Archbishop of Canterbury unwinds and reflects on a job well done...
0:00:59 > 0:01:02There's evidence that some people already have access to
0:01:02 > 0:01:05the gruesome photo of Osama Bin Laden's dead body...
0:01:13 > 0:01:16And new evidence has emerged that US personnel practised for months
0:01:16 > 0:01:20every aspect of the Osama operation, including the burial at sea.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30On Ian's team is a broadcaster and journalist
0:01:30 > 0:01:33who caught out funeral crashers by creating a hoax death,
0:01:33 > 0:01:39so she should be an authority on this week's main news story. Please welcome Victoria Coren.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46And with Paul Merton tonight is a stand-up comedian
0:01:46 > 0:01:48who recently had his first haircut in four years,
0:01:48 > 0:01:51so if you are having trouble recognising him,
0:01:51 > 0:01:54I can confirm, yes, he is indeed Ross Noble!
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Four years?
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Yes.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00We start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Ian and Victoria, take a look at this.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Ah! Amazing pictures! Osama on Shergar.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11And that's the house where he was found, living peacefully,
0:02:11 > 0:02:13undetected.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16That's the Republicans. They think that Obama's dead.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20"Oh, no, he's not."
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Guess this story.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Yes, they got him. I expect that's the trouble over.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Mission accomplished. It's all done. Ten years in, all over.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35They showed those people in Times Square, all shouting, "USA! USA!"
0:02:35 > 0:02:41I wasn't sure if that was a response, or they just turned the cameras on and that's what's always happening!
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Do you think the Americans have been a bit gung-ho?
0:02:43 > 0:02:47I think they've failed to get the story right afterwards.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51He was either cowering behind someone who was his wife, in a hectic firefight,
0:02:51 > 0:02:55then it turned into, "Oh, it wasn't his wife. She was shot in the leg.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57"He wasn't cowering behind her. He wasn't armed.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00"They're wasn't a firefight, one bloke on guard."
0:03:00 > 0:03:04By the time this is on, it'll probably be, "They were after Gaddafi."
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Do you know what the White House spokesman Jay Carney put this inaccuracy down to?
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Making it up as we go along?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14The fog of war.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16- Confusion.- Oh.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20Do we have that picture of them watching - that was weird - in the situation room? Watching the TV?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- We do, yes. - It's a fascinating picture,
0:03:23 > 0:03:26because you don't see what it is they're looking at.
0:03:26 > 0:03:31Hillary Clinton looks so thoughtful, I like to think that, if you look the other way,
0:03:31 > 0:03:34it would just be Michelle showing them colour swatches...
0:03:36 > 0:03:38I like that other woman, at the back, peering in.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42She's going, "Is this human resources?"
0:03:43 > 0:03:48I was reading about how... apparently he had quite a nice, peaceful life there in Pakistan.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51- He had the neighbours' children over to play with his pet rabbits.- Yeah!
0:03:51 > 0:03:55He sounds a real sweetie, doesn't he(?)
0:03:55 > 0:03:59- The place was named after somewhere where he'd been hiding previously. - Waziristan.- Yeah.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03But it was actually called Dun Murderin', the house.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09I loved the fact that the Daily Mail couldn't resist putting on the front page,
0:04:09 > 0:04:12"His £1 million luxury hideaway."
0:04:15 > 0:04:20The property prices, even in Pakistan, obssess them!
0:04:20 > 0:04:24And the idea that no-one in Pakistan knew he was there.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28"Do you know Mr Bin Laden at all?" Do you chat over the fence?"
0:04:28 > 0:04:32"Yes, he's lovely. Keeps himself to himself."
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Do they all sound like Alan Bennett in Pakistan?
0:04:35 > 0:04:40- (SOFTLY SPOKEN) - "Oh, he was very nice. Oh, yes.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43"We had a sponge finger with a cup of tea."
0:04:43 > 0:04:47"I don't know about the beard, but..."
0:04:47 > 0:04:52- And what were the compound's special features?- Bat cave? Was there a bat cave in there?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Oh, Swingball! That was it, wasn't it?
0:04:55 > 0:04:58An expensive wardrobe of disguises?
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- Was there beard-straightening tongs? - Got to be.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03- Yeah.- Got to be.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06- There was a rubbish-burning area. - Hang on!
0:05:06 > 0:05:10- Do you mean for burning rubbish, or do you mean...- Ineffectively.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14- ..that's rubbish, where you're burning that? - That's how the neighbours knew.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18- Because he didn't put out - amusingly - his bins.- That's right.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21The rest of them, dutifully - cos they're all Alan Bennett -
0:05:21 > 0:05:23putting out the bins every day,
0:05:23 > 0:05:28and there's Mr Bin Laden, he burns the lot. Why?!
0:05:28 > 0:05:33That could have been great. He could have had Dusty Bin Laden!
0:05:33 > 0:05:38Just a little can with a spinning beard. Hey!
0:05:38 > 0:05:44Apparently, all the intelligence came from Leslie Crowther.
0:05:44 > 0:05:49- It's true.- Do you mean Ted Rogers? - Ted Rogers! I'm a fool to myself!
0:05:49 > 0:05:53- Leslie Crowther's got nothing to do with it.- You're right. - You're making it up.- No!
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Well, that's the trouble.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58The Americans said it was Leslie Crowther.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01- It turns out it was actually Ted Rogers.- Oh.- Obama went like that.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05He went, "Commence the mission in three, two, one!"
0:06:05 > 0:06:08And the beard... Look at that - one pensioner clapping.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Up the back there, going, "That's a brilliant reference."
0:06:11 > 0:06:16Also, the compound had no functioning telephone or internet connections.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Obviously a BT customer.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22So, what reason did Pakistani intelligence give for
0:06:22 > 0:06:27failing to notice this very cleverly disguised, massive, fortified compound?
0:06:27 > 0:06:31It was Cameron said that Pakistan was generally looking both ways.
0:06:31 > 0:06:36It's a wonderful image of the buildings there, and they're going...
0:06:36 > 0:06:41To be fair, the Pakistani authorities haven't got time to catch terrorists.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Far too busy stoning rape victims.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45AUDIENCE GASPS
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Sounds like a cue for a song.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55According to the entirely believable locals that the Sun spoke to,
0:06:55 > 0:06:58they'd always had suspicions about the compound.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11As in, "You've been ji-had!"
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- Are you saying that's a made-up quote?- I think it probably is.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- Mr Raza Khan(?)- And also,
0:07:17 > 0:07:22if he was on a tractor, how did he hear someone saying "jihad" over the noise of the diesel engine?
0:07:22 > 0:07:26- He might have had a lunch break. - That's a good point.- Yeah.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30That's probably why I lost my job with MI6.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35- So, who was sent in to do the job? - SEALs.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39- Do you know what the actual name of their unit is?- Barry?
0:07:39 > 0:07:42According to the Daily Mail...
0:07:51 > 0:07:54How do they select SEALs?
0:07:54 > 0:07:59With names like that, anyone Welsh and you're in! They just go, "Do you want to join...
0:07:59 > 0:08:01HE SPEAKS COD WELSH
0:08:01 > 0:08:06(WELSH ACCENT) "Right, I'd quite like to find that Bin Laden, me.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09"Give me a fish and I'll be right in there."
0:08:09 > 0:08:11That's how they do it.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15It's an intense series of tests, including...
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Basically, they just watch Britain's Got Talent.
0:08:24 > 0:08:29Why did the burial at sea upset some Muslim fundamentalists?
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Cos they were in a dinghy just underneath...
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Boof! Aw...
0:08:34 > 0:08:39And he was respectfully buried from a height of 30,000ft.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43When he hit the dinghy, he was doing over 80.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Unfortunately, it was a rubber dinghy, and he bounced straight back up!
0:08:46 > 0:08:49The Navy SEALs got a shock when he emerged...
0:08:49 > 0:08:53(WELSH ACCENT) "Whoa! Bloody hell! Look who's there.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57"I thought we got rid of him! We chucked him out the back.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59"Watch that bier on the rotors.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02"Go flying around."
0:09:02 > 0:09:05What specifically about the sea burial upset them?
0:09:05 > 0:09:08It means they've got nowhere to mark as a grave,
0:09:08 > 0:09:12- so there's nowhere as a centre for pilgrimage.- More specifically, he wouldn't be facing Mecca.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Depending on the tide!
0:09:18 > 0:09:23Yes, well, this is the comprising to a permanent end of Osama Bin Laden.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26The operation to kill the Al-Qaeda leader was perfectly timed
0:09:26 > 0:09:29after a busy weekend, and caught Bin Laden completely off guard
0:09:29 > 0:09:32just as he was taking down the bunting.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Initial reports that the Americans had shot one of Bin Laden's wives,
0:09:37 > 0:09:39who was being used as a human shield,
0:09:39 > 0:09:44outraged fundamentalists, as his wife should have been at least three paces behind him.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Describing everyday life at Bin Laden's compound,
0:09:48 > 0:09:53the Mirror reported that a range of newspapers were delivered each morning, adding...
0:09:53 > 0:09:57Blimey! I bet she had her work cut out on Tuesday!
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Paul and Ross, here is yours.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- Right, yes, this is, um... - Miss BNP.- Yeah.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08They've become very popular.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12Here is one of their rallies in the centre of London.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:10:14 > 0:10:16I don't think he's a real policeman.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Who are these people(?)
0:10:26 > 0:10:31- I think it's done wonders for the tea towel industry.- Exactly.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35- Cos it was flagging a little bit. - Yeah, it was. - Then - BOOM! - they're back.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39It's nice that they employed lip-readers to see what they were saying.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41She said, "I do," at one point, and he said, "I do,"
0:10:41 > 0:10:46but apparently, Prince Charles at one point turned to Camilla - via this lip-reader -
0:10:46 > 0:10:47and said...
0:10:47 > 0:10:49HE MUMBLES INCOMPREHENSIBLY
0:10:51 > 0:10:57During the National Anthem, apparently the Queen turned to Prince Philip and went, "Sing it, bitch!"
0:11:01 > 0:11:06- You can't say that about the Queen! - "They're playing our tune." - What do you mean?!
0:11:06 > 0:11:08- You weren't even watching! - Sorry, she said...
0:11:08 > 0:11:13(HIGH-PITCHED NASAL VOICE) .."Sing it, bitch." Sorry. You're right.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16What nugget did David Cameron share with Nick Clegg?
0:11:16 > 0:11:18I've never liked you.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23- I want a divorce.- Yeah.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25He revealed...
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Where were they imprisoned?
0:11:30 > 0:11:33I mean, let's be honest, she's a good-looking girl,
0:11:33 > 0:11:35but there's no need for that. Really!
0:11:35 > 0:11:39- I mean, that's not...- Not seemly.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42That is just disrespectful.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45"Oi! Use the hymnbook! Use the hymnbook!"
0:11:45 > 0:11:47That's what he said.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55And, of course, all the main news channels were there to cover the day.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58The BBC coverage was actually very dull
0:11:58 > 0:12:03so here's Damon Green of ITV News bringing us an exclusive shot of another truly British sight.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07This place is full of people. Let's cross the road - don't get run over.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Have a look over there. Let's have a look.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Inside that knot...
0:12:16 > 0:12:20Shall we turn our attention to the outfits?
0:12:20 > 0:12:24We're going to play a game called What's Wrong With This Outfit?
0:12:24 > 0:12:28Yeah, one of the ginger ones turned up as Satan.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32I'm sure it'll be nice about all these ladies who tried very hard to look nice,
0:12:32 > 0:12:37worried about it, went to the hairdresser, asked their mums, "Does it look all right?"
0:12:37 > 0:12:42I'm sure we'll pay tribute to the efforts they made on an important occasion.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44APPLAUSE
0:12:44 > 0:12:47OK, let's have a look at the first loser.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51- What's wrong with this outfit? - VICTORIA: It's lovely and cheerful.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Nice colour, flattering. ROSS: No hat.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55- She didn't have a hat on. - That's what's wrong, is it?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57That's apparently what's wrong.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00ROSS: And she's only got one shoe, if you look.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03She hopped all the way up through the church.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Pogo stick spring in the bottom of that.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08With a Land Rover door Sellotaped to her back.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Who can sport what's wrong with this outfit?
0:13:11 > 0:13:13VICTORIA: Three people wore the same thing.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16That's exactly right.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19How do they get into THAT?
0:13:19 > 0:13:23- Oh, I see. Sorry.- Is that every woman's worst nightmare?
0:13:23 > 0:13:26I mean, apart from being assaulted in a park or...
0:13:32 > 0:13:33Sounds like a cue for a song!
0:13:33 > 0:13:35No...
0:13:36 > 0:13:39And finally, anything wrong with these outfits?
0:13:39 > 0:13:43The Dark Lord is upon us!
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Let's face it - who can they ask for advice that's sane?
0:13:48 > 0:13:53- That they know?- Do you know what that colour is called, that she's wearing?- Beige?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56- Is it...?- Jonquil?- No.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58It's called "nude".
0:13:58 > 0:14:01ROSS: To be honest with you, with that latticework there,
0:14:01 > 0:14:06and with her hair, and everything, I fancy a pork pie.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10Let's just take a closer look at that hat, there.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12It's become a fashion item worldwide.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16Everyone's wearing it, as we can see from this picture on Twitter.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25- Shall we have a look at the kiss on the balcony?- Yes. That's nice.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29The Duke and the Duchess of Cambridge. Aww...
0:14:29 > 0:14:32What's Truman Capote doing at the Royal Wedding?
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Let's look at the dress. Victoria, what do you think of THE dress?
0:14:38 > 0:14:42Just ask it again, but slightly more patronising...
0:14:48 > 0:14:53Ahem! The Sunday Telegraph decided to do some research into the highs and lows of the day,
0:14:53 > 0:14:56as experienced by the different genders.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Meanwhile, male viewers reported...
0:15:10 > 0:15:14Here are two women from the Middletons' village of Bucklebury in Berkshire,
0:15:14 > 0:15:17whose reaction seems to back up this research.
0:15:17 > 0:15:22For such an ordinary family, this is just phenomenal.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26I can't believe it. I mean, look, look, look!
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Aw, look at William looking at her. Look!
0:15:29 > 0:15:32It's magical! It is absolutely magical!
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- I wouldn't want to be anywhere else! - Beautiful!
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Kate's life is going to change so much, but...
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Look at her holding onto her father's hand so tightly.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44She's holding onto her father's hand so tightly.
0:15:44 > 0:15:49Bless them! Bless them! I am...speechless. Speechless.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52SHE SHRIEKS
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Kate! William!
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Why couldn't that have been the whole coverage?
0:16:01 > 0:16:06To back up the theory that men found the event utterly boring, who better than ITN's Mark Austin?
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Mark Austin's going to spend the day with them.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12He's out there somewhere on the Mall now. Mark?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15I'm only spending the day here if it doesn't rain, Phil?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18I'm surrounded by Scouts now,
0:16:18 > 0:16:21and there is something going on here which is rather odd.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23But never mind.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- Are you going to enjoy yourselves? I don't know about that.- Go on.
0:16:26 > 0:16:32- Pardon?- Cheers to Will and Kate. - All right, cheers to Will and Kate.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Yes, this was the fairy-tale Royal Wedding.
0:16:35 > 0:16:41The wedding was covered by the world's media, including the German newspaper Bild, which lamented...
0:16:45 > 0:16:48You DO. The Windsors.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Lip-readers revealed what William said to Kate in the carriage on the Mall.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58Thus summing up the next 60 years of her life.
0:16:58 > 0:17:03David Beckham wore his OBE, but breached etiquette by wearing it on the wrong side.
0:17:03 > 0:17:08Although, to be fair, it was on the correct side when he checked in the mirror.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14Round 2, and in tribute to this week's historic AV referendum,
0:17:14 > 0:17:18the stories will be chosen by the alternative voting system.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22On your ballot papers, you will have four stories to choose from.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26All you have to do is place them in your chosen order of preference.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29The story with the lowest number of votes will be eliminated,
0:17:29 > 0:17:34and the fourth choice will receive the second choice votes... It's very simple indeed.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- Some people just don't get it(!) - The results you've ended up with
0:17:37 > 0:17:40is the story that none of you really wanted.
0:17:40 > 0:17:46It's going to be cricket commentator. Why has Edward Bevan been in the news?
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- BELL RINGS - Ian?- Someone hit the ball,
0:17:49 > 0:17:52and he said, "Someone's hit the ball. It's coming this way."
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Then it came through his commentary box and hit him on the back.
0:17:55 > 0:18:00- He was commentating on the fantastic shot.- And it hit him.- I don't know why I'm telling you. We can hear it.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03You could say, Steve, that Somerset are on course for 350,
0:18:03 > 0:18:06which would be far from what anyone feels,
0:18:06 > 0:18:09although one never knows in this wonderful game.
0:18:09 > 0:18:14As Robert Croft comes in now...and comes down and hits it up towards us! And is it going to hit us?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16BREAKING GLASS
0:18:16 > 0:18:20The ball has just come right through our window here.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Edward's had a blow in the back, I'm afraid.
0:18:23 > 0:18:28The bizarre thing - this is the third time it's happened to that commentator.
0:18:28 > 0:18:33- That is exactly right. The third time.- That's no accident.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Wouldn't it be great if he did motor racing, though?
0:18:36 > 0:18:39"They're coming round... Oh, I'm on the bonnet of the car!
0:18:39 > 0:18:44"I'm sliding to the left, and to the right. Ooh, me skin's come off."
0:18:44 > 0:18:46"Yes", Bevan told the Mirror...
0:18:50 > 0:18:54When the ball struck the window, the startled Welsh-speaking commentator
0:18:54 > 0:18:57let out a shocking stream of 14-letter words.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Cricket's very popular in Wales.
0:19:02 > 0:19:07Exactly the same rules, only there you can be out L-L-L-L-B-W.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Time now for the Odd One Out round. Ian and Victoria,
0:19:10 > 0:19:16your four are... A, B, C and...D.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21It's going to be a super-injunction thing, anyway.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24One of them almost looks identifiable,
0:19:24 > 0:19:27but I'm worried I'll start and a policeman will come on.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30No, you're all right. That's Andrew Marr.
0:19:34 > 0:19:39And the odd one out is Marr, because we know about the injunction now, because it's been lifted.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42You played quite a part in this, I believe?
0:19:42 > 0:19:46Well, I got a lot of credit for, um, a story that I never actually ran.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Um...I was going to, I challenged the super-injunction,
0:19:49 > 0:19:51then he went to the Mail
0:19:51 > 0:19:55and lifted the injunction and confessed, so hooray!
0:19:55 > 0:19:58APPLAUSE
0:19:59 > 0:20:03He was embarrassed that he'd taken an injunction to protect his private life
0:20:03 > 0:20:08when he was asking questions on people's lives. When he's asking David Blunkett about his child,
0:20:08 > 0:20:11or Prestcott about his affair, it all looks pretty eggy.
0:20:11 > 0:20:16The Labour Party are furious, cos he asked Gordon Brown, basically, "Are you taking pills?"
0:20:16 > 0:20:20They said, "That's none of your business. This is my health."
0:20:20 > 0:20:23And he said, "No, no. It's in the public interest,"
0:20:23 > 0:20:26i.e., was Gordon taking antidepressants?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28I mean, WE were.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Why did he get a super-injunction in the first place?
0:20:31 > 0:20:36Because he'd had an affair with someone and there was a child which he thought was his,
0:20:36 > 0:20:40and then it turned out it wasn't his, after DNA tests, so...
0:20:40 > 0:20:45He got DNA tests?! They didn't just look at the ears and go, "Nah!"?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Who IS the father?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50It's like you WANT to go to prison.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52I heard it was...
0:20:54 > 0:20:58It was the drummer from the Steve Miller Band?!
0:21:01 > 0:21:05It was the head saxophonist in the Glenn Miller band?!
0:21:05 > 0:21:07What?!
0:21:07 > 0:21:12- But it isn't. It isn't either of the Milibands.- Someone else entirely.- Someone else entirely.
0:21:12 > 0:21:17- Oh, God. Do I want to go to jail? Not hugely.- Go on!- Oh, all right.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20It's good for the programme.
0:21:20 > 0:21:26- Me not being on it is very good for the programme.- We can go to a live link at you in Wandsworth.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Banging your tin mug against the bars!
0:21:28 > 0:21:31It's not like that. I went to Ford Open. The governor said,
0:21:31 > 0:21:34"You'd like it here. There's a bridge club."
0:21:35 > 0:21:38The odd one out IS Andrew Marr... Sorry?
0:21:38 > 0:21:44- I think I might have got an odd one out right for the first time in 20 years.- Fantastic!
0:21:44 > 0:21:49The odd one out is Andrew Marr as, thanks to super-injunctions, he is the only one who we can now name.
0:21:49 > 0:21:54Just before Marr hosted his first Sunday morning show since the super-injunction was lifted,
0:21:54 > 0:22:00his guests were whispering about the elephant in the room, but it turned out to be Andrew Marr's shadow.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Paul and Ross, here is yours.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06- Corporal Jones.- Corporal Jones. - The Ministry of Information.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09- David Cameron.- David Cameron. - And the Scousers.- And the Scousers.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12- ROSS: Catchphrases. - "Don't panic" - Corporal Jones.
0:22:12 > 0:22:17- Cameron said, "Calm down, dear." - Yes, yes.- And the Scousers...
0:22:17 > 0:22:20- They were, "Calm down, calm down..." - "Calm down, calm down."
0:22:20 > 0:22:25They're all saying calm down. Keep calm, keep going is the Ministry of Information thing,
0:22:25 > 0:22:29so, Clive Dunn's the odd one out because he says panic, and everybody else says calm down.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Is absolutely right, yes.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- Good.- There we are.
0:22:33 > 0:22:38During last week's Prime Minister's Questions, David Cameron told Angela Eagle,
0:22:38 > 0:22:41the Shadow Treasury Chief Secretary, to, "Calm down, dear."
0:22:41 > 0:22:44He refused to apologise, claiming it was just a joke.
0:22:44 > 0:22:49It's Michael Winner's catchphrase - and our Prime Minister thinks it's funny?!
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Victoria, you're a fan of Michael Winner, aren't you?
0:22:52 > 0:22:55I had a bit of a spat with Michael Winner on Twitter,
0:22:55 > 0:22:59because he made some remarks that I'm sure he meant as compliments.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03I didn't take them that way. I'm a very humourless person.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07Now he's bought be lunch... so now I really like him!
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- You do really like him? - I love lunch.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14We were talking about driving and he said,
0:23:14 > 0:23:19"Do you know you can drive in the bus lane for only £60? What a bargain!"
0:23:19 > 0:23:23- What did Labour chiefs accuse David Cameron of? - They said he was patronising
0:23:23 > 0:23:26and sexist and misogynist and...Tory...
0:23:27 > 0:23:32- ..and, worst of all, Prime Minister. - Hmm.- A lot of annoying things.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Harriet Harman went even further, saying...
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Oh, give it a rest, love(!)
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Um...how did Miss Eagle respond?
0:23:47 > 0:23:49HE SQUAWKS
0:23:57 > 0:24:01That's right. She carried a small lamb up a mountain.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Better than that. She said...
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Well done, you(!)
0:24:08 > 0:24:13The "keep calm and carry on" poster was printed at the start of World War II.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15They put one up in Churchill's War Room,
0:24:15 > 0:24:17whereas the poster in Hitler's bunker said,
0:24:17 > 0:24:21"You don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps."
0:24:21 > 0:24:24They've all encouraged people to stay calm,
0:24:24 > 0:24:27apart from Corporal Jones, who told people, "Don't panic."
0:24:27 > 0:24:30David Cameron responded to Labour's accusations of sexism saying...
0:24:35 > 0:24:38I don't know - they elected Ed Miliband.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42The quip was regarded as deeply offensive,
0:24:42 > 0:24:47not least because it reminded everyone of the existence of Michael Winner.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54- His best friend doesn't like that! - Time for the Missing Words round,
0:24:54 > 0:24:58which this week features, as its guest publication, Nuts And Volts magazine.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00And we start with...
0:25:03 > 0:25:05VICTORIA: Bin Laden's body?
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Aquatic magician?
0:25:09 > 0:25:12- It's a stag, isn't it? - Stag swimming.
0:25:12 > 0:25:17A stag has been photographed swimming a quarter of a mile off the Cornish coast.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19The photographer said...
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Maybe to avoid drowning(!)
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- Could be.- Next...
0:25:33 > 0:25:36VICTORIA: Please go away?
0:25:37 > 0:25:42- No.- The short answer is no. There we are.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Next...
0:25:46 > 0:25:49ROSS: Solve the problem of where to put their keys.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Buy themselves an iron!
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Young people are being recruited to join nudists colonies.
0:26:04 > 0:26:09- They spend most of the time staring at the oldies, mentally DRESSING them.- And finally...
0:26:11 > 0:26:16VICTORIA: Every word in that sentence sounds like a euphemism for genitals.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20I've had a bit of trouble with me Lady Ada's.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Oh, it's sitting on them warm floors that does it!
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Lady Ada's bedazzler looks better than Princess Eugenie's...one.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31Short circuits the National Grid.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40A female electronics graduate has created a device that can cause...
0:26:42 > 0:26:44It's called...
0:26:44 > 0:26:49Something of a must-have if you're the only woman in the electronics faculty.
0:26:50 > 0:26:55So, the final scores are - Paul and Ross have 8, Ian and Victoria have 5.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58APPLAUSE
0:27:01 > 0:27:05But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08ROSS: You fat bitch.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14That'll do.
0:27:14 > 0:27:20On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop, Victoria Coren, Paul Merton and Ross Noble,
0:27:20 > 0:27:23and I leave you with news that, as Wills and Kate tie the knot,
0:27:23 > 0:27:29police move in to control the most extravagant street party Yorkshire has ever seen.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34After the super-injunction on his affair is lifted,
0:27:34 > 0:27:39there's speculation that Andrew Marr may, after all, have fathered a love child...
0:27:42 > 0:27:47Are we seriously suggesting that Andrew Marr has had sex with a monkey?
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Yeah, we are. OK.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52At the Royal Wedding reception,
0:27:52 > 0:27:57Prince Charles insists catering staff cook him a special organic lamb pie...
0:28:01 > 0:28:04And at the White House, the undercover officer who led the Navy SEAL raid
0:28:04 > 0:28:08reveals the disguise that fooled Bin Laden.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Good night.
0:28:32 > 0:28:36Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:36 > 0:28:39E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk