0:00:00 > 0:00:01It's going to be tough.
0:00:01 > 0:00:05If we don't hold our nerve it's going to end in disaster.
0:00:05 > 0:00:11- Can we rise to the challenge? - Can we deliver the jokes? Can we deliver when it real matters?
0:00:11 > 0:00:15Presenting does not get tougher than this.
0:00:15 > 0:00:22This programme contains some strong language
0:00:42 > 0:00:45APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:57- Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Gregg Wallace. - And I'm John Torode.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01After yet another week in which nothing's gone right for him,
0:01:01 > 0:01:05Nick Clegg takes time out to help with his mate Steve's barn conversion.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13LAUGHTER
0:01:13 > 0:01:16After enjoying a couple of his favourite cigarettes,
0:01:16 > 0:01:20George Michael just has to guide his car into a parking space and he's safely home.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37LAUGHTER
0:01:44 > 0:01:46LAUGHTER
0:01:46 > 0:01:51And, as an elderly gentleman sits down to watch his favourites TV programme,
0:01:51 > 0:01:54he begins to wonder what the terrible racket outside is.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01APPLAUSE
0:02:03 > 0:02:06On Ian's team is a Channel 4 newsreader who,
0:02:06 > 0:02:10when asked by a journalist what her dream achievement in TV would be,
0:02:10 > 0:02:15refused to do answer. But now she's met us! Please welcome Samira Ahmed.
0:02:15 > 0:02:21APPLAUSE
0:02:23 > 0:02:27On Paul's team we demanded a comedian with a foodie name. We considered Dara O'Bream and
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Lee Mackerel but decided in the end to go for...Richard Herring.
0:02:30 > 0:02:35APPLAUSE
0:02:38 > 0:02:44- And so we start with the biggest stories of the week.- And believe me there are some big, big stories here.
0:02:44 > 0:02:49LAUGHTER Ian and Samira, take a look at this.
0:02:49 > 0:02:55- First birthday?- That looks lovely that cake.- I beg your pardon. I never promised you a rose garden.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59- In fact, I'm going to boot you out of it.- Look. It's all sad now, isn't it?
0:02:59 > 0:03:03- One year on.- I couldn't give a Castlemaine XXXX for AV.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07- Aw!- He's so lonely.
0:03:07 > 0:03:12LAUGHTER
0:03:12 > 0:03:18That's the only Scottish Lib Dem left, but the Libs didn't have a great night.
0:03:18 > 0:03:23They got slaughtered everywhere. But it is coalition Government. You share the responsibilities.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27- The Conservatives do the winning... - LAUGHTER
0:03:27 > 0:03:31APPLAUSE
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Paddy Ashdown said the Tories behaved really badly.
0:03:34 > 0:03:39Instead of letting them win, they tried to win themselves.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42LAUGHTER Was anyone surprised by the AV vote?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44- No.- I think... LAUGHTER
0:03:44 > 0:03:47All the polls said it would go that way and it did.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51It seems that Ed Miliband isn't making the inroads people hoped he would make.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55They're missing an opportunity - obviously there is David as well.
0:03:55 > 0:04:02They could swap and nobody would know but...if you find somebody who looks a bit like the two of them,
0:04:02 > 0:04:04replace Ed Miliband, say he's grown a beard now,
0:04:04 > 0:04:09then David Miliband could come in a few months later and everyone will think it is the same bloke.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- Genius!- It is.
0:04:11 > 0:04:19One year on the Conservative Party gained seats. Yes, Britain, tough opposition there.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23It is like the left-wing are only happy if they are not winning.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26It's like the good old days when they were in opposition for ages.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29- Yes, nothing worse than being in power(!)- You watch Ed Miliband in the next few weeks,
0:04:29 > 0:04:33- he'll be talking through frosted glass. - LAUGHTER
0:04:33 > 0:04:37Just half a face behind a door. That's how they'll do it, you watch.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41Let's look at some of the BBC coverage from election night.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Here's David Dimbleby talking to Eric Pickles.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Let's talk about England and what you expect,
0:04:46 > 0:04:49because you know about local government,
0:04:49 > 0:04:52even though you are not the local government Minister.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55What kind of losses would you expect for the Conservatives?
0:04:55 > 0:04:59Forgive me for saying I'm Secretary of State for local government,
0:04:59 > 0:05:03- so I do know...- Communities. - Communities and local government.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06- It's a biggish department. - You don't like local councils.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10- At least, Mr Dimbleby, I read my brief before I come on a programme.- Yeah.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12AUDIENCE: OOOH!
0:05:12 > 0:05:13Oh, and look at this, look.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17Here's David Dimbleby handing over to a reporter.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Sian Lloyd joins us from Cardiff.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23Sian, we've been talking, you probably heard us, about the SNP,
0:05:23 > 0:05:26the nationalist party in Scotland being on the up and up.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28What's the position of Plaid Cymru...
0:05:28 > 0:05:29SHE SIGHS
0:05:34 > 0:05:38How did Nick Clegg account for the Lib Dems' bad showing everywhere?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41We put our names on the ballot papers.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43LAUGHTER
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Poor old Nick Clegg, he's actually a regular at my restaurant.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Is that why he's poor old Nick Clegg?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58He said, "How's things?" I said, "It's all right, the recession,
0:05:58 > 0:06:00"but I'd rather have my troubles than yours",
0:06:00 > 0:06:02he laughed and patted me on the back.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08- Did you know what some people are calling him now?- Mr Clegg.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11I do know what they're calling him. This is the worst pun
0:06:11 > 0:06:15I've ever seen in a newspaper headline, which is saying something.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19"Pinickio", they're calling him Pinickio because he lies.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Is that what you've got?
0:06:21 > 0:06:22No.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25You talk about a pun, I saw a pun in whichever paper
0:06:25 > 0:06:29Kelvin MacKenzie writes in, it must be the Sun, I suppose.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33When Osama Bin Laden was captured he had this little joke,
0:06:33 > 0:06:37he said the Irish SAS stormed into a department store
0:06:37 > 0:06:40because they heard on the fifth floor
0:06:40 > 0:06:43- because there was summer bed linen. - No!
0:06:43 > 0:06:46- Summer bed linen.- Oh, he's just...
0:06:46 > 0:06:51And it's stuck in my head and now it's stuck in yours. Who do we sue?
0:06:51 > 0:06:57Can I take out an injunction against that joke? It's not a joke, is it?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59- Are we done? - Yeah, I think so. Let's go home.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Oh, sorry, there's more?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- Some of the council results... - I didn't know it was timed.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09You seem upset that we're making jokes, have you had quite enough?
0:07:09 > 0:07:13You're like a school teacher, "It's your time you're wasting here."
0:07:13 > 0:07:15- "It's getting cold!" - Summer bed linen!
0:07:15 > 0:07:18LAUGHTER
0:07:18 > 0:07:19Summer bed linen.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23The only joke written by spellcheck.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27LAUGHTER
0:07:27 > 0:07:29APPLAUSE
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Some of the council results were extremely tight.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34What were they forced to do in Ramsbottom?
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Draw straws.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Draw straws, because it was the same number of votes.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42You are absolutely spot on.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43So here's the straw poll.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47'Every election has its moments but few beat this.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51'Up in Bury, after a dead heat and three re-counts,
0:07:51 > 0:07:52'they chose to draw lots.'
0:07:52 > 0:07:55CHEERING
0:07:58 > 0:08:02We've got to longest straw! Yeah!
0:08:03 > 0:08:07What are the Conservative Party feeling at the moment?
0:08:07 > 0:08:11Fine? Happy. They're trying not to be triumphal.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13I think there is an edict gone out
0:08:13 > 0:08:15saying, "Don't laugh when the Lib Dems come in."
0:08:15 > 0:08:19Almost, yeah. According to The Guardian, Number Ten sent a message
0:08:19 > 0:08:23to Tory Ministers to avoid being smug in front of the Lib Dems.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25LAUGHTER
0:08:27 > 0:08:29A senior Lib Dem told The Sun...
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Meanwhile, Lib Dem peer, Tony Greaves said...
0:08:39 > 0:08:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Does anybody know how the potential leadership rivals to Nick Clegg
0:08:45 > 0:08:47- are shaping up?- Yes.- Chris Huhne.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49- Chris Huhne.- He's never liked Nick,
0:08:49 > 0:08:51or David and he's never been good at hiding it.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54He's good at hiding his driving points though,
0:08:54 > 0:08:55are we allowed to say that?
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Oh! Are you suggesting
0:08:57 > 0:09:01he tried to offload his speeding points onto someone else?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Cos that's what his ex-wife said,
0:09:03 > 0:09:05after he left her and went off with someone else.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Chris Huhne does deny this.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09How do you offload your points to somebody else?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12I think you just say, "Will you say you were driving?"
0:09:12 > 0:09:13Oh, I see, yes, of course.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17Most marriages in this country are just held together by the fact
0:09:17 > 0:09:20that wives have done that for their husbands
0:09:20 > 0:09:23and he knows he can't leave... or she'll just say it.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Sometimes the most romantic letters in the world are DVLA.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28LAUGHTER
0:09:28 > 0:09:31What about David Laws's chances?
0:09:31 > 0:09:34He's the Lib Dem who had to resign over his expenses.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38He didn't want anyone to know about his private life.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40- Right, so he charged rent to the public.- Yeah.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44He could have paid his boyfriend the rent himself, couldn't he?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Oh, and he was paying...
0:09:46 > 0:09:49- Or his boyfriend could have not charged him rent.- He was also...
0:09:49 > 0:09:51AUDIENCE: OOOH!
0:09:51 > 0:09:52Just an idea!
0:09:52 > 0:09:55But also didn't the Parliamentary Commissioner find
0:09:55 > 0:09:59that he was paying £200 to £300 a month more than the market rent?
0:09:59 > 0:10:01So his boyfriend was ripping him off.
0:10:01 > 0:10:06He didn't know his... "This is £500 a week, this flat, yes."
0:10:06 > 0:10:13When you said you were a rent boy, I didn't know it was going going to be my rent... Something like that.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15How would you sum up the Lim... the LibDems' position?
0:10:15 > 0:10:18You nearly said Limp Dems.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20A Freudian slip.
0:10:20 > 0:10:27The Times did a poll and asked its readers to state which words summed up the three leaders.
0:10:34 > 0:10:39It does look like the Tories will have to make a human sacrifice to appease the Lib Dems.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Do you know who it is?
0:10:41 > 0:10:45Not Eric Pickles, then? Um...
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Is it Andrew Lansley?
0:10:48 > 0:10:52He is going to be hung out to dry. This is what Cameron does.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55If you make a mistake and he didn't know about it, it's all over.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58If you say you're going to reform the health service and everyone
0:10:58 > 0:11:01says "Don't!", he says, "Good idea, I won't. You're sacked."
0:11:01 > 0:11:07- David Milletts.- Milletts? - He was too intense. Sorry.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Don't lead your own applause, it doesn't look good.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12I'm going to start again.
0:11:12 > 0:11:18Can we talk about your starter, because it's lacked a bit of focus.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21The two of you are fighting against the concept. You've come up
0:11:21 > 0:11:25with mince and sponge pudding. Do you think that'll work in the end?
0:11:25 > 0:11:27- Mince and a sponge pudding?- Yes.
0:11:27 > 0:11:33- No.- I don't watch your show. No, I watched the other day to find out who you were!
0:11:33 > 0:11:36APPLAUSE
0:11:36 > 0:11:41- I did research. I researched. - Very good.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- I think you are doing brilliantly. - Thank you.- Whoever you are.
0:11:44 > 0:11:49Yes, it's the aftermath of the local elections and the AV referendum.
0:11:49 > 0:11:54The Sun headline after the catastrophic local elections losses for the Liberal Democrats was...
0:11:55 > 0:12:00Which is, coincidentally, how Charles Kennedy used to say it.
0:12:00 > 0:12:05The triumphant SNP is planning a referendum on Scottish independence
0:12:05 > 0:12:08by 2015, according to the Daily Mail.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16So, independence it is, then.
0:12:16 > 0:12:21I don't mind if Scotland breaks away as long as Gordon Brown is in Scotland.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Do Australians GET an opinion?
0:12:24 > 0:12:29It was an Australian who managed to stop England being in Scotland in the first place -
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Mel Gibson.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34APPLAUSE
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Paul and Richard, here is your story.
0:12:37 > 0:12:43This is the schoolboy, Chris, I think his name is. He's saying it is unfair that boys at school
0:12:43 > 0:12:48should have to wear long trousers in hot weather, cos girls wear skirts.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52He can't concentrate, cos he's got trousers on in hot weather.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56I remember that. I couldn't do equilateral equations
0:12:56 > 0:13:00until I took my boots off and then it became clear.
0:13:00 > 0:13:05I didn't learn Spanish until I removed my vest.
0:13:05 > 0:13:10When I did my O-levels, it was such a hot summer, I sewed electric motors into my underpants.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13But I did too many of them and I went out the window
0:13:13 > 0:13:16and hovered above the science block for 45 minutes.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20In the end, I made a robust descent into the deputy headmaster.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23D'you know, and I still passed.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- How old is the boy?- He is 12.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28I was 19 before I got into a girl's skirt.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31APPLAUSE
0:13:33 > 0:13:39Ian, you went to a posh school. How important is it to take your trousers off to get on?
0:13:39 > 0:13:45The important thing, whether you're wearing worsted trousers or tweed,
0:13:45 > 0:13:50is to keep everything on and be as hot as possible for the entire summer.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53It prepares you for the colonies.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57APPLAUSE
0:13:57 > 0:14:0012-year-old Chris Whitehead in Cambridgeshire.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02He's a very brave young man.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04My dad was my headmaster.
0:14:04 > 0:14:09I wore sensible shoes. I had a briefcase.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12I was in the school band so I carried a trumpet and a briefcase to school.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15It was like I was a Buckaroo of bullying.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19How many things can we put on this kid?
0:14:19 > 0:14:23The skirt would have just tipped it over I think.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26He'll be a hero. He took on the school, made them look ridiculous.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Other items of clothing banned by the school rules include...
0:14:34 > 0:14:37There is this ridiculous fashion at the moment where young men
0:14:37 > 0:14:41walk around as if they're carrying very large rocks in their trousers.
0:14:41 > 0:14:46It's peer pressure. It is like rah-rah skirts 20 or 30 years ago.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49They made women look like they were wearing giant nappies.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53Now you've got a thing where your trousers are halfway down your...
0:14:53 > 0:14:56How is that... Who, what, where?
0:14:58 > 0:15:01How does something like that catch on? It seems to be incredible.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04I'm bothered that rah-rah skirts clearly scarred you years ago.
0:15:04 > 0:15:09No, unlike Richard, I didn't get into rah-rah skirts for some time.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13You know, Richard once asked me out at college. People wonder why I said no!
0:15:13 > 0:15:16I was 19 and yet to get into a girl's skirt. You could have been the one.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20APPLAUSE
0:15:20 > 0:15:22I think you've lost your chance, there.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25You said, "Would you like to go out with me?" I went, "No."
0:15:25 > 0:15:30And you went, "It was worth a try." And then you went straight off to someone else!
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- That was my very good technique. - You worked your way around the room.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36I started with the most beautiful girls,
0:15:36 > 0:15:38then got down to Samira...
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Oh!
0:15:40 > 0:15:43- You said she turned you down!- My big brother's here as well, Richard.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- Yeah? Afterwards. - All right, I'll give him a go!
0:15:50 > 0:15:51Explain the Capri pants to me.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54There's people at home going, "What are Capri pants?"
0:15:54 > 0:15:57They're cropped trousers. Audrey Hepburn wore them a lot in the '50s.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01- Like culottes?- No, they're snug,
0:16:01 > 0:16:04but they're cropped, sort of below the shin.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08How did Chris describe the experience of wearing a skirt?
0:16:08 > 0:16:10An interesting prelude to being beaten up.
0:16:13 > 0:16:14He actually said:
0:16:18 > 0:16:19RICHARD: Yeah, it's true.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Well, he's a bright kid, and no mistake.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24- No stopping him! - JOHN: Moving on,
0:16:24 > 0:16:28and upmarket magazine Country Life has identified 39 life skills
0:16:28 > 0:16:31that young people really ought to have. The list includes
0:16:31 > 0:16:35how to skin a rabbit, sustain a ten-shot rally in tennis...
0:16:35 > 0:16:37How not to lose your wristwatch inside a cow.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Most vital of all:
0:16:44 > 0:16:46I don't know what jackaroo standard is.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Is he related to Danny La Rue?
0:16:50 > 0:16:55Your skills list also includes the ability to slip away from a football riot once you've started it,
0:16:55 > 0:16:58by shouting at some working-class people.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05The deputy editor of Country Life, Rupert Uloth, has said...
0:17:07 > 0:17:09"I hate my parents!"
0:17:09 > 0:17:10He said:
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- So, let's stat that debate.- Yes.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18How much of a knob do we think Rupert Uluth is?
0:17:20 > 0:17:24This is 12-year-old schoolboy Chris Whitehead, who protested about
0:17:24 > 0:17:26not being allowed to wear shorts in hot weather,
0:17:26 > 0:17:28by wearing a skirt.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30The school has been quite supportive,
0:17:30 > 0:17:33right up to the moment he tried to wear a burka to French lessons.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39The school has a firm dress code which includes no leggings or Capri pants
0:17:39 > 0:17:41and no excessive make-up or nail polish,
0:17:41 > 0:17:44which is bad news for head of geography Mr Wilson.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Have you checked there isn't a Mr Wilson there?
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Cos I can feel a super-injunction coming!
0:17:53 > 0:17:57And so to round two, and it doesn't get more second round than this.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59It's the news bullock.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- Buzz when you know... - The news bullock?!
0:18:02 > 0:18:06Buzz when you know which news story each cut of meat reveals.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08IAN LAUGHS
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- MOO! - Sirloin.
0:18:17 > 0:18:22A story emerged last week that after the 9/11 terrorist attacks,
0:18:22 > 0:18:26Marlon Brando, Elizabeth Taylor and Michael Jackson fled New York
0:18:26 > 0:18:30in a hired car to escape what they thought was going to be Armageddon.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33This is... How I conjured it up from that picture, I've no idea.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36I don't know if this is a true story...
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Didn't they stop regularly cos Marlon wanted lots of junk food?
0:18:38 > 0:18:41And Elizabeth would be looking for a husband.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43"I've been married for 20 minutes!"
0:18:43 > 0:18:47Don't let Michael Jackson drive, he'd be dangling his baby out the window.
0:18:47 > 0:18:52Zebra crossings are very confusing for him - "I used to be like that, I used to be like that..."
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- Who was behind the wacky idea? - Burt Reynolds?
0:18:57 > 0:19:01Has it got so bad on Have I Got News For You? that we've got to discuss
0:19:01 > 0:19:04a ten-year-old story that clearly isn't even true?
0:19:04 > 0:19:08- Is there really no news this week?- It must be true - look, there they are.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12So who do you think did all the driving?
0:19:12 > 0:19:16It was Chris Huhne driving.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19It turns out that Brando and Jackson shared the driving.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23- Liz couldn't be arsed with it. - It didn't! It didn't happen!
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Elizabeth Taylor said, "I'll do a little stint in the middle."
0:19:26 > 0:19:29They said, "No, it's all right, you sit back." This is exactly what happened,
0:19:29 > 0:19:32just cos someone has said it, now it's true.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35"I do miss Richard Burton. Look, there's a Kentucky Fried Chicken over there."
0:19:35 > 0:19:39"Michael, quick, we haven't paid." "What do you mean?" "Beat it!"
0:19:41 > 0:19:45This story is so thin that even The Mirror uses the word "allegedly".
0:19:45 > 0:19:48And they're all dead.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52This is the alleged road trip in which three of the world's greatest stars
0:19:52 > 0:19:55fled from New York after 9/11 in a hire car.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59While Brando was eating KFC, he bit into an unpleasant lump of gristle and bone,
0:19:59 > 0:20:02as Jacko's nose had just fallen into the family bucket.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- GREGG:- Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11COW MOOS AND BUZZER RINGS
0:20:11 > 0:20:15- Ah!- SAMIRA: This is Max Mosley, who attempted to bring
0:20:15 > 0:20:18a European ruling on privacy, because of the idea that people
0:20:18 > 0:20:22like him should get informed before someone runs a story about their orgies.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Just in case they want to go!
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- GREGG:- Yeah, this is the ongoing super-injunctions fiasco,
0:20:28 > 0:20:32and Max Mosley's defeat at the European Court of Human Rights.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35RICHARD: Is that picture taken at one of his orgies?
0:20:35 > 0:20:38I thought he'd gone bankrupt but somebody said,
0:20:38 > 0:20:43"No, he's just been strapped for cash". You can see how you could easily get confused.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47I thought it was a very sensible ruling from the court, and I thought, hurrah for them.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51He wanted to bring in a law that said you have to inform people in advance
0:20:51 > 0:20:53if you're going to run a story about them.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56At which point they take out an injunction and it's the end of the story.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59It wouldn't have been great for freedom of the press.
0:20:59 > 0:21:05- GREGG:- How did some of the newspapers sensitively deal with Max Mosley's loss?
0:21:05 > 0:21:10I expect they were triumphant and gloating to a revolting pitch, rather like me.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12- "Up yours, Maxy-boy".- Almost.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14- Almost?- Yeah. The Sun went for -
0:21:21 > 0:21:23While The Mirror went for -
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Twitter found itself in the centre of the debate this week.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33How did that happen?
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Someone on Twitter put up tweets,
0:21:36 > 0:21:39supposedly naming the people, but they got it wrong,
0:21:39 > 0:21:43which meant the papers could run pictures of people, saying, "It's not them".
0:21:43 > 0:21:45"These two people have not slept together".
0:21:45 > 0:21:49- Exactly.- All the ones I've seen are really inconsequential.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51If it's someone like a politician going,
0:21:51 > 0:21:53"You must have family values," and then he's being...
0:21:53 > 0:21:58I don't even know what BDSM is, I thought they taught me how to drive.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03It explains why the seatbelts are a bit tight, now.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Reversing around corners is no picnic!
0:22:08 > 0:22:11There's some useful advice to celebrities caught up in the confusion
0:22:11 > 0:22:13from a journalist on Sky News.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16If you don't want to be on the front page of the newspapers,
0:22:16 > 0:22:19- don't pay hookers to stick dildos up your bum.- Yeah, all right...
0:22:25 > 0:22:28We used to sing that during the war, do you remember?
0:22:28 > 0:22:31God, I really wish my dad wasn't in the audience!
0:22:33 > 0:22:36This is the ongoing super-injunction fiasco,
0:22:36 > 0:22:38and Max Mosley's defeat in the European Court of Human Rights.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Despite losing £30,000 in legal fees,
0:22:41 > 0:22:45he's now considering taking the case to the Grand Chamber of Europe.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Gosh, he really is a glutton for punishment.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50- GREGG:- Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55COW MOOS AND BUZZER RINGS
0:22:55 > 0:22:59Is this Samoa? Samoa has decided to move the other side of the Date Line.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01It used to have its time linked to America,
0:23:01 > 0:23:06but now it wants it linked back to Australia and New Zealand.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08They're literally shifting themselves...
0:23:08 > 0:23:13Well, not literally, are they? Anyway, somehow...
0:23:13 > 0:23:17- They're rowing the islands! - With the theme tune!
0:23:17 > 0:23:19HE HUMS HAWAII-FIVE-O THEME
0:23:19 > 0:23:22That was Hawaii, not Samoa at all.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Was that a little dance you were doing there?
0:23:24 > 0:23:26No, I was the guy with the paddle.
0:23:26 > 0:23:32I was, "Book 'im, Danno". The other one. "Ho Chi plays Chin Ho".
0:23:32 > 0:23:33That guy.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37That was an ITV show, how did you come to see this?
0:23:38 > 0:23:40I must have been round at a friend's house!
0:23:42 > 0:23:44- GREGG:- Well done, Ian.- Well done?!
0:23:44 > 0:23:46For going round a friend's house?!
0:23:46 > 0:23:50- For watching Hawaii Five-O?!- And getting everything completely wrong!
0:23:50 > 0:23:53It's the news that Samoa plans to move itself
0:23:53 > 0:23:58from one side of the International Date Line to the other, by moving forward by one day.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Who's the mastermind behind this national time shift?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03- Prime minister, isn't it? - SAMIRA: The Doctor?
0:24:06 > 0:24:11- GREGG:- Yes, it is the prime minister. Here he is. After a big lunch.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14He's trained those butterflies well, though, hasn't he?
0:24:16 > 0:24:19How has the move gone down with the native Samoans?
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Are they are unhappy at losing a day? Weren't there riots once,
0:24:22 > 0:24:27when they changed the calendar, and they wanted their 11 days back?
0:24:27 > 0:24:30The Gregorian calendar, when it was brought in, replacing the Julian.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34"Hello, I'm Gregorian, this is my calendar, Julian".
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Monica on MasterChef, she's Samoan, I'll ask her.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41MasterChef, MasterChef.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44I knew it was...
0:24:46 > 0:24:49- It's a very popular cookery show. - Is it?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Can someone Google it?
0:24:51 > 0:24:57We should have more of those. Cookery show. MasterChef.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00So, this is Samoa's plan to shift across the time zones.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Samoa is bringing itself in line with New Zealand time,
0:25:03 > 0:25:06so now it's just 50 years behind the rest of the world.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Some people are not happy with the change.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11According to the Daily Telegraph -
0:25:16 > 0:25:20Although Huddersfield runs it pretty close.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24This is where we start to apply the pressure.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28You have five minutes, just five minutes left.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Time, now, for the missing words round,
0:25:38 > 0:25:41which this week features our guest publication -
0:25:43 > 0:25:45- GREGG:- And we start with...
0:25:49 > 0:25:50SAMIRA: Money.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55A good, British sandwich.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57ALL: Ooh!
0:25:57 > 0:26:00- GREGG:- Well, the answer actually is -
0:26:01 > 0:26:03A full page of facts and figures
0:26:03 > 0:26:05from the Village Sandwich Association
0:26:05 > 0:26:09on the recession's impact on the sandwich economy ends with the line -
0:26:19 > 0:26:23To be honest, Jim, I think probably one hotline number is enough.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Not now it's been on the telly!
0:26:31 > 0:26:32Liza Minelli.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34The Pope.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Aldershot.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38RICHARD: Almost everything?
0:26:38 > 0:26:41The buffet car on the London to Edinburgh Express.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45Lord Sandwich, the Earl of Sandwich, has no direct connection to a sandwich.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48- But he does.- Yeah, I know, but they might have unearthed something.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Like on Time Team, "I can't believe it,
0:26:50 > 0:26:55"I've got a cheese and pickle here, that was made in the 14th century."
0:26:55 > 0:26:59"It's been in the ground, I dug it up, I can't believe it, it was in the ground". Was it that?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01- JOHN:- No.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04If you find that disappointing,
0:27:04 > 0:27:07I have equally bad news about the town of Scotch Egg in Cambridgeshire.
0:27:09 > 0:27:10And finally...
0:27:15 > 0:27:19- Go to the name changing clinic. - Clinic?!
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Let's make sandwiches like there's no tomorrow.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Let's allow proper names in Scrabble.
0:27:34 > 0:27:35The final scores are,
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Paul and Richard on five,
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Ian and Samira on six.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43APPLAUSE
0:27:45 > 0:27:47I leave you with news that in Oxfordshire,
0:27:47 > 0:27:51it looks like there's been one tabloid story too many for Mrs Clarkson.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56And at a court in Rome, Silvio Berlusconi
0:27:56 > 0:27:59describes in graphic detail exactly what he did with that female dwarf.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06And as they frolic naked on their honeymoon yacht in the Seychelles,
0:28:06 > 0:28:08there's a surprise in store for Kate and William.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14- Good night. - Good night.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:46 > 0:28:49E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk