0:00:29 > 0:00:31APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Bill Bailey.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41In the news this week...
0:00:41 > 0:00:44In Clydebank there's a slightly embarrassing BBC report
0:00:44 > 0:00:46on the Navy submarine with only one toilet.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50NO AUDIO ON TAPE
0:00:55 > 0:00:57And at a Paris fashion show
0:00:57 > 0:00:59an open window causes a slight breeze.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Whoops!
0:01:04 > 0:01:06She's fine! Wa-hey!
0:01:06 > 0:01:07I'm fine!
0:01:16 > 0:01:21On Ian's team tonight is a young man who took a gap year from university to pursue comedy.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Time's up! So...
0:01:24 > 0:01:28- Please welcome Jack Whitehall. - APPLAUSE
0:01:32 > 0:01:33And with Paul tonight
0:01:33 > 0:01:36is a satirist who has never touched drugs
0:01:36 > 0:01:39because he doesn't want to be out of control mentally.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42It's all right - I wouldn't drive a tractor, though.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47- Please welcome Armando Iannucci. - APPLAUSE
0:01:51 > 0:01:54And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55Ian and Jack, take a look at this.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59That's a funeral. Oh, no, it isn't. Sorry.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02The Queen thinking, "Please don't talk to my husband."
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Um...
0:02:05 > 0:02:06Oh, it's a barbecue.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10The guys are doing the barbecue - that's heart-warming, isn't it?
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Oh, they're going to grill Nick Clegg.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16He's allowed to talk to "O-barmy". "Shut up, you've had five minutes."
0:02:16 > 0:02:20This is what happens when an Etonian meets a black man for the first time.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24- That's a high five, is it?- Yeah.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26He's never been high-fived in his life.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29He thought it was a vertical handshake, so he's like...
0:02:29 > 0:02:31and then kind of held his hand and...
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Obama was, "Get off! Get off!"
0:02:33 > 0:02:35- It was quite unpleasant. - But special.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Oh, well, no...
0:02:37 > 0:02:41- It proves we're special.- It's a special...a special relationship.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- Is it special or is it essential? - That's a very good point.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47- "Special" has been supplanted by "essential".- Yes.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50- There we go.- There's the word, in case anybody doesn't know
0:02:50 > 0:02:52what the word "essential" looks like,
0:02:52 > 0:02:57somebody's taken a photograph of it for you and put it on the screen.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Do they have to use quotes around it - "essential" relationship?
0:03:00 > 0:03:03- On the grounds that it's not true. - It's not true.- It is for us.
0:03:03 > 0:03:09- The quotes are made by impoverished children who don't get paid the full rate.- Is that right?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11- Yep.- Is it like Primark? - Exactly the same.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Before this historic visit,
0:03:14 > 0:03:18Obama's security guards did something in the Belgian Suite at the palace.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Did they take a shit in it? What...?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- That's not what I've got on the card.- Oh, right.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24What they did was,
0:03:24 > 0:03:28they had to install bomb- and bulletproof windows into the Belgian Suite.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32And another security precaution was the huge
0:03:32 > 0:03:3418-foot armour-plated limo.
0:03:34 > 0:03:39- Yeah, called "The Beast". - The Beast. The Beast was finally brought to a halt.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43- Is this in Ireland, where it got caught on a sleeping policeman?- Yes.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46- Had he been drinking? - It was... Yes.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49It got beached on a speed bump.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51We can see the actual incident here.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53REPORTER: 'Alarm bells might have rung
0:03:53 > 0:03:56'when the car in front just scraped over.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57'But no.'
0:03:57 > 0:03:59CHEERING
0:04:03 > 0:04:07'18 feet long and eight tonnes in weight it may be
0:04:07 > 0:04:10'but the modest ramp at the gate of the US embassy left it stranded.'
0:04:10 > 0:04:14You'd think the police, having spent billions of pounds in security,
0:04:14 > 0:04:17would have thought, "Does this vehicle go over a speed bump?"
0:04:17 > 0:04:19No.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23What was Barack Obama only the third American President to receive
0:04:23 > 0:04:24at the start of his visit?
0:04:24 > 0:04:26A DVD of Downton Abbey.
0:04:29 > 0:04:36- It's a historic gift now.- Yes. - It's one of those typical pomp and circumstance things.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- A pat down.- A pat down?
0:04:38 > 0:04:42A pat down at the airport, to check he's not carrying anything illegal.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45People have been getting complacent now Osama Bin Laden's died.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48They've thought, "I'm going to start taking liquids back on now."
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- War on terror won, back to the war on dry skin.- Yeah.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Is it an "I killed Bin Laden" T-shirt?
0:04:58 > 0:05:04"My husband went to London and all he came back with was a special relationship"?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06- It's a 41-gun salute.- Oh, yes!
0:05:06 > 0:05:10- That's what he received. - It's a misprint from the Queen Mother's days.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13It used to be a 41-gin salute.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17What, fired into her mouth?!
0:05:17 > 0:05:18Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom!
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Ah, ah, ah, ah!
0:05:21 > 0:05:24They used to fire ice cubes from those big cannons.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27What is the most rounds fired in a single salute?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29I'll tell you.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31- It's 124.- Really? Who got that?
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Well, this happens on a special occasion
0:05:34 > 0:05:36when the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh
0:05:36 > 0:05:39do something together.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43- It's something to do with the date. - Oh, when they role-play? If they had a role play date.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45- What?- It's a very popular thing
0:05:45 > 0:05:47with couples that've been together for ages.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51- You do a thing where you have a role play date.- So she comes in with a Hoover or something
0:05:51 > 0:05:56- and he's going, "Hoover it up, you bitch," or something.- Yeah.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- Philip pretends to be head of the IMF? That sort of thing.- Yeah.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05What it is, is when the Duke of Edinburgh's birthday
0:06:05 > 0:06:08falls on the same day as the Queen's official birthday.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Occasionally it happens and 124 rounds are fired.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14During a ceremonial welcome in the Palace garden,
0:06:14 > 0:06:17what was the problem with Princes Charles' hair
0:06:17 > 0:06:19and Michelle Obama's skirt?
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Both were paying a tribute to Bob Dylan and were blowin' in the wind.
0:06:22 > 0:06:28Exactly right. There was a very strong wind, caused a bit of havoc. Let's have a look at what happened.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47I could watch that clip on a continuous loop
0:06:47 > 0:06:49over and over again.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Mother Nature's made them look silly there.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53It played a lot of havoc,
0:06:53 > 0:06:56particularly with Michelle Obama's hair,
0:06:56 > 0:06:58here she is, a little later in the day.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04JACK: Why does Prince Philip, in every photograph with the Obamas,
0:07:04 > 0:07:07look like he's just thought of the most inappropriate joke?
0:07:07 > 0:07:12- My friend met him in Dublin when they went over for their state visit.- Yes. - He's at Trinity, Dublin.
0:07:12 > 0:07:17He's English and Prince Philip, in front of loads of Irish people, came up to him and said,
0:07:17 > 0:07:20"You don't speak like one of the natives. Good, good."
0:07:24 > 0:07:28I saw him, he was talking about the time he met Sir Peter Scott
0:07:28 > 0:07:32when they were founding the Wildfowl And Wetlands Trust
0:07:32 > 0:07:36and he said, "Yes, we founded the Wildfowl Trust over a lunch.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38"Ah, duck, I think it was."
0:07:44 > 0:07:45Who interrupted President
0:07:45 > 0:07:48as he was proposing a toast to the Queen?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50- The musicians.- Yep.- They thought...
0:07:50 > 0:07:52He finished his speech, he reached for his glass,
0:07:52 > 0:07:55he was about to say, "Her Majesty The Queen,"
0:07:55 > 0:07:59- he got halfway and the band started playing God Save The Queen. Have we got a clip?- Yes.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02BARACK OBAMA: To Her Majesty, The Queen,
0:08:02 > 0:08:05the vitality of the special relationship...
0:08:05 > 0:08:07MUSIC: "God Save The Queen" ..between our peoples.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11And in the words of Shakespeare,
0:08:11 > 0:08:13"To this blessed plot,
0:08:13 > 0:08:16"this earth, this realm,
0:08:16 > 0:08:17"this England."
0:08:17 > 0:08:18To the Queen.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23LAUGHTER
0:08:25 > 0:08:30- PAUL:- She's looked at him and said, "You've ruined my tune."
0:08:30 > 0:08:33"I like this one!"
0:08:33 > 0:08:36"Not yet!"
0:08:36 > 0:08:40And to symbolise the common bond between Britain and America,
0:08:40 > 0:08:45what did David Cameron and President Obama choose as a photo opportunity?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47- ALL: A Barbecue. - Yes.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50And the BBC News broke this in a very exciting way.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58What I love about the barbecue is
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Obama and Cameron, sleeves rolled up.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03They were there, the men cooking the meat
0:09:03 > 0:09:07and you knew that Clegg was on salad duty somewhere. Desperate...
0:09:07 > 0:09:10"Can I just do one sausage?" "Those buns won't cut themselves."
0:09:10 > 0:09:17They thought he was doing the onions and then they realised he was just crying.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24What do you think was the worst headline you could come up with to describe that scene?
0:09:24 > 0:09:29The newspaper The Metro came up with it, but it is the worst headline.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32- Imagine trying to...- Something to do with grilling?- Grilling.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Barmy-cue?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36A Barmy-cue, that's good!
0:09:36 > 0:09:39- Thank you very much! - It's good, I like that. Barmy-cue.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40It's worse than that.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50You're right. This is the visit of Barack Obama.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52The President and Prime Minister
0:09:52 > 0:09:54hosted a barbecue in the garden of Number Ten.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57They had to lay on extra security, partly because of threats,
0:09:57 > 0:10:01mainly to stop Eric Pickles coming back for seconds.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04The President's £189,000 is nicknamed The Beast,
0:10:04 > 0:10:06presumably after the head of the IMF.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10LAUGHTER
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Obama and Cameron's game of Ping-Pong
0:10:13 > 0:10:15at a South London school provided a bit of light relief,
0:10:15 > 0:10:20though the mood suddenly darkened when the scorer shouted out "9-11!"
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Paul and Armando, here's yours.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29We don't know who that is.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30Do we legally know who that is?
0:10:30 > 0:10:34- Who is it? - Is it Gordon Ramsay's dad?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36LAUGHTER
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Is it an actor? Oh, it's Ryan Giggs!
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Yes, it's Ryan Giggs.
0:10:41 > 0:10:42Ryan Giggs, yes.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Basically, Ryan Giggs has spent an awful lot of money
0:10:44 > 0:10:47to ensure that he's become world-famous...
0:10:47 > 0:10:49- LAUGHTER - ..for stuff other than football.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53- Yeah.- People still might be sued for telling people that it was him. - That's right.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55The MP John Hemming...
0:10:55 > 0:10:58He said that apparently...
0:11:02 > 0:11:05I mean, it's worth a go, though, innit?
0:11:05 > 0:11:07LAUGHTER For charity.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10The reason John Hemming the MP announced it in the House Of Commons...
0:11:10 > 0:11:16He said that a columnist was about to be arrested for re-tweeting this, Giles Coren,
0:11:16 > 0:11:18but you weren't allowed to mention who that was,
0:11:18 > 0:11:22so someone would be arrested in this country for the first time,
0:11:22 > 0:11:27and put in jail without you being allowed to know what they were in for or who they were.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30And I think at that point he thought, "This is getting silly."
0:11:30 > 0:11:33- So he blurted the name out.- Hemming.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37He has got a bit of form in this particular area.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40According to his wife, he has had 26 affairs.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43He has a complicated personal life,
0:11:43 > 0:11:46and he's very controversial because he's a Lib Dem,
0:11:46 > 0:11:49and all of the people he's had affairs with are women.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51LAUGHTER
0:11:51 > 0:11:54The only thing is, the injunction is still in place.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58- That's right!- Despite the people going blabbing it out.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02There's a legal expert, Joshua Rozenberg, this is what he had to say about it.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Well, the law is clear.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08There is still a court order in force which says that
0:12:08 > 0:12:13- we can't name Ryan Giggs... - SPEECH DROWNED BY LAUGHTER
0:12:13 > 0:12:14Doh!
0:12:16 > 0:12:20I believe you can say his name though because I was getting so fed up,
0:12:20 > 0:12:24every newspaper, every day, it was like, "Imogen Thomas has been having sexual liaisons
0:12:24 > 0:12:27"with a man who cannot be named." I was like, "What? Voldemort?"
0:12:27 > 0:12:31LAUGHTER I sort of see why he did it, Ryan Giggs,
0:12:31 > 0:12:35cos he knows that if his identity was known, then people would know,
0:12:35 > 0:12:38not only who he was, but also that his marriage was on the rocks,
0:12:38 > 0:12:42and at that point, John Terry would be round his house...
0:12:42 > 0:12:44LAUGHTER
0:12:44 > 0:12:46..like a sex-crazed whippet.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48APPLAUSE
0:12:48 > 0:12:51And how did Mrs Giggs react when Giggs' name was released?
0:12:51 > 0:12:53She presumably looked grim-faced as well.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56According to the Daily Star...
0:13:07 > 0:13:08LAUGHTER
0:13:08 > 0:13:12Apparently Ann Widdecombe was in there for some reason.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15LAUGHTER
0:13:15 > 0:13:18People have been saying it's a conspiracy theory by Barcelona
0:13:18 > 0:13:21and Spain to distract the Man Utd team from the Champions League final.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24It would be brilliant if that's how football managers worked.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27That on one side and on the other side of the pitch,
0:13:27 > 0:13:30someone waving bubble wrap at Wayne Rooney. "Come on!"
0:13:30 > 0:13:34LAUGHTER "Crackly paper. Fun, fun!"
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Or pretend to throw a stick and not throw it.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43And during all this, what was Imogen Thomas doing?
0:13:43 > 0:13:49She was showing how sad and upset she was by posing in Man Utd strip in other papers.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53- That's right.- It didn't do her case a huge amount of good, to be honest.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56According to Max Clifford though...
0:13:56 > 0:13:58LAUGHTER
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Apparently she told the Sun...
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Oh, sorry, that's me!
0:14:09 > 0:14:11LAUGHTER
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Giggs' argument for this super injunction was that
0:14:14 > 0:14:17she arranged to meet him with the knowledge that reporters
0:14:17 > 0:14:19and photographers were all there
0:14:19 > 0:14:23and she asked him for £50,000 and then asked for £100,000.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27That's the thing about these super injunctions, you take it, as the rich, celebrity person,
0:14:27 > 0:14:30you give your evidence, that's it. They award the injunction.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33She may have been trying to blackmail him and if she was,
0:14:33 > 0:14:35- she should be arrested for blackmail.- Yeah.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39Then you'd a criminal case, it would be sub judice, we couldn't talk about it
0:14:39 > 0:14:41and justice would be seen to be done. But it wasn't.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44It's just a judge saying, "It might have been blackmail."
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Well, arrest her then!
0:14:46 > 0:14:48- Yeah. Yes, exactly. - And everyone else!
0:14:48 > 0:14:53So which media outlet was the first to sail a bit close to the wind.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Was it a signer for the deaf on the real news?
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Just quietly going like that.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00HE LAUGHS
0:15:02 > 0:15:03Giggs? Footballer?
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Ssh!
0:15:07 > 0:15:11No, it was actually the Today Programme, Steve Hewlett, he nearly blabbed it.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12HEWLETT: 'Now, bring in Twitter.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15'Question - once it's been on Twitter, is it in the public domain?
0:15:15 > 0:15:18'Now what I think Ry... Oh! Excuse me.'
0:15:18 > 0:15:21LAUGHTER
0:15:21 > 0:15:23What I think Rff-fler-biya...
0:15:23 > 0:15:27Yes, the worst kept secret in Britain is finally out -
0:15:27 > 0:15:29lawyers are complete waste of money.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32LAUGHTER
0:15:32 > 0:15:35According to the Mirror...
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Bit of a selection dilemma for Sir Alex, then.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41LAUGHTER
0:15:41 > 0:15:45As the row unfolded, thousands of Twitter users named Ryan Giggs
0:15:45 > 0:15:47in what the Daily Mail called...
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Top that Syria! Lightweights!
0:15:53 > 0:15:55LAUGHTER
0:15:55 > 0:15:58APPLAUSE
0:16:00 > 0:16:02And so, the round two.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04The strength-ometer of news.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Fingers on buzzers.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08Oh, hello!
0:16:08 > 0:16:09WHISTLING
0:16:09 > 0:16:10BUZZER
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- AUDIENCE:- Aw!
0:16:13 > 0:16:15This is the Nazi party, remember them?
0:16:15 > 0:16:20Before the second world war, under Hitler, they believed they could teach dogs to talk.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23- They could make spies of dogs... - Yes.
0:16:23 > 0:16:28Just drop dogs into... I don't know, the countryside of England in a hat and a pipe,
0:16:28 > 0:16:33and, "Hello, I'm new in town, what's this? Any soldiers near here?" That sort of thing.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36And then the dog would go back and report to the Nazis.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40They had proper experiments to see if they could train dogs to talk.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- Exactly right.- And they found if he did a Nazi salute
0:16:43 > 0:16:47- and cocked his leg at the same time, he just fell over.- They set up
0:16:47 > 0:16:49The Animal Speech School at Hanover.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52I don't know how scary that is, though.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Speaking dogs, not the scariest thing.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59If a dog bites the arse out of your trousers and then says, "For you, the war is over,"
0:16:59 > 0:17:02then that's something that sticks with you, it stays with you.
0:17:02 > 0:17:03It affects your morale.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06"What happened to you?" "I got arrested by a dog."
0:17:06 > 0:17:09The star pupil apparently was Rolf, the Airedale terrier.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13- He doesn't look that scary, to be honest.- No.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15And Rolf apparently would speak
0:17:15 > 0:17:17by tapping his paw against a board
0:17:17 > 0:17:20and each number of taps would be the letter
0:17:20 > 0:17:22and he would spell out words.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25They're looking for a new host of Countdown.
0:17:25 > 0:17:26That's not really talking dog.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28That's dog pointing at random letters.
0:17:28 > 0:17:33- One of Rolf's contemporaries was Don, the German pointer... - There's one!
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Very easy job in Berlin in 1934.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40He imitated the human voice.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47The German for "Hungry! Give me cakes" is...
0:17:47 > 0:17:49BILL SPEAKS GERMAN
0:17:50 > 0:17:52That's Geordie!
0:17:54 > 0:17:55- GEORDIE ACCENT:- Give me a cake!
0:17:55 > 0:18:00Speak like that, you get sacked from American X Factor.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02- GEORDIE ACCENT:- Cheryl Cole.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04A new book claims that as a secret weapon,
0:18:04 > 0:18:06the Nazis tried to train dogs to talk.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Hitler had two German shepherds called Blondi and Bella.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10According to the Daily Mail...
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Doesn't say what happened to Bella.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Presumably she managed to talk her way out of it.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21He loved playing with Blondi and Bella in the park,
0:18:21 > 0:18:23but sadly he only had one ball.
0:18:26 > 0:18:27APPLAUSE
0:18:27 > 0:18:29OK, here we go, fingers on buzzers.
0:18:29 > 0:18:30WHISTLING
0:18:30 > 0:18:31BOING
0:18:31 > 0:18:33BUZZ
0:18:33 > 0:18:37- This is a tiger. It was spotted by the police.- Yes.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41And they responsibly delegated about 200-300 officers...
0:18:41 > 0:18:47- Yes.- ..and four helicopters and a number of Navy SEALs, erm...
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- to kettle... - LAUGHTER
0:18:50 > 0:18:55..the tiger. They surrounded it and eventually they found out that it wasn't real.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59- That's correct. - It was a stuffed tiger, so they felt a bit silly.- Yep.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01In these austere times, they scrambled a helicopter
0:19:01 > 0:19:05and apparently they used other hi-tech equipment. Somebody said...
0:19:13 > 0:19:17It did get very bad, though, because at one point Paul Gascoigne turned up
0:19:17 > 0:19:22- with a chicken and a fishing rod. GEORDIE ACCENT:- That tiger's my mate!
0:19:22 > 0:19:26The only realised it was stuffed when they did an autopsy on it.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29This animal was killed by consuming too much foam rubber.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Actually, we've got some footage of the helicopter
0:19:33 > 0:19:37with the thermal-imaging equipment which was deployed.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38There we go.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40NEWS REPORT: 'The helicopter moved in for a closer look
0:19:40 > 0:19:43'with its thermal-imaging camera.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47'At that point, reality began to dawn on all concerned.'
0:19:47 > 0:19:51What about the visual-imaging device called the eye?
0:19:51 > 0:19:55You can just look and say, "It doesn't move much.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- "Might be a toy."- They tried that already. They said...
0:20:04 > 0:20:06APPLAUSE
0:20:09 > 0:20:11- It's a stand-off.- Yes. Yeah.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15Do you know how they actually finally established it wasn't a real tiger?
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Did a five-year-old girl come over and pick it up?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20That would have been great, but what actually happened
0:20:20 > 0:20:24was that the helicopter with the thermal-imaging equipment landed
0:20:24 > 0:20:27and the down draught from the blades flipped it over.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33This is the escaped tiger in Hampshire, which turned out to be a stuffed toy.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37After the initial sighting, a police officer was dispatched to investigate
0:20:37 > 0:20:40and confirmed that there was indeed a tiger.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43According to The Guardian, to avoid embarrassment...
0:20:44 > 0:20:46I'm guessing it was Constable Giggs.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53Time now for the Odd-One-Out Round and one between you this week.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55An electric car,
0:20:55 > 0:20:56Marcel Marceau,
0:20:56 > 0:20:58a microwaveable curry from Tesco,
0:20:58 > 0:21:01and Beware (The Funk Is Everywhere) by Afrika Bambaataa.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- BELL RINGS - Paul and Armando.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08- Marcel Marceau, of course, famously a mime artist, was silent.- Yes.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10The electric car is a silent vehicle
0:21:10 > 0:21:15- and the song that you mentioned there, that's a silent piece of music.- Yes.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19So we've got three things which are silent. The Tesco's curry must make a noise.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23- Does it cluck?- No, it doesn't cluck, but you're right. You're absolutely right.
0:21:23 > 0:21:28- Tesco's is the odd one out.- It whistles.- It whistles to let you know when it's ready.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- There we go. There's a special packaging...- Yes.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35..which will start whistling to tell you your meal is ready.
0:21:35 > 0:21:40You might not hear it cos the microwave will be beeping to tell you that your meal is ready.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42The dog will hear it and come up and say...
0:21:42 > 0:21:44- GERMAN ACCENT:- "Your meal is ready."
0:21:47 > 0:21:49APPLAUSE
0:21:49 > 0:21:54The silent nature of the electric car is sometimes deadly for pedestrians,
0:21:54 > 0:21:59- so Warwick University is investigating the best noise for it. - Horses' hooves would be nice.
0:21:59 > 0:22:05- Any other...?- We're they suggesting that Jeremy Clarkson's voice coming out of speakers,
0:22:05 > 0:22:08so as you went down the street, it would go...
0:22:08 > 0:22:12- AS JEREMY CLARKSON:- "This is the best car in the world."
0:22:12 > 0:22:18Afrika Bambaataa, Beware (The Funk Is Everywhere) - it's from a 1986 hip-hop album,
0:22:18 > 0:22:20which is completely silent.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24- Didn't Nicolas Cage do this before? - Nicolas Cage? John Cage.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28- Nicolas Cage, the film actor?- No.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32I wish he'd be silent in a lot of films.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Your paddling into popular culture has led you down a path here, sir.
0:22:36 > 0:22:42- You pretend to know who these people are.- I stand reprimanded.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Yes, they're all silent, apart from the microwave meal,
0:22:45 > 0:22:47which from this week will make a whistling noise.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49According to The Times,
0:22:49 > 0:22:52there's a long history of artificial sounds being added to things
0:22:52 > 0:22:53to make them more appealing.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02And TV shows add laughter to jokes
0:23:02 > 0:23:04even when nothing funny has been said.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06CANNED LAUGHTER
0:23:06 > 0:23:08AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:23:08 > 0:23:10People laughed after they heard the fake laugh!
0:23:10 > 0:23:12That's a good thing to know.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Time now for the Missing Words round,
0:23:14 > 0:23:17which this week features as its guest publication
0:23:17 > 0:23:21Split Ends, the British Beard Club newsletter,
0:23:21 > 0:23:25which recently lost one subscription from a man in Abbottabad.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27- On... - LAUGHTER
0:23:27 > 0:23:31On the plus side, it was a world exclusive for Burial At Sea magazine.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33And we start with...
0:23:37 > 0:23:41JACK: Saying whatever I like now, because I've got a black friend.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43LAUGHTER
0:23:43 > 0:23:45APPLAUSE
0:23:47 > 0:23:49I'm a digital channel.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Nice!
0:23:51 > 0:23:55This is "I'm Dave, I'm a sausage addict."
0:23:55 > 0:23:57LAUGHTER
0:23:57 > 0:24:01Doctors have told David Harding that his 13 sausage a day habit is...
0:24:03 > 0:24:06No, but it is a bit mental. Next...
0:24:09 > 0:24:11A pair of spectacles!
0:24:11 > 0:24:14ARMANDO: The tears of Alan Sugar.
0:24:14 > 0:24:15Yes.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17The sweet, salty tears...
0:24:17 > 0:24:21ARMANDO: A gallon of Alan Sugar's tears, each eye.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Is it another vegetable? Is it peas?
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Oh, you're nearly...no. It begins with P.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27- Pasta.- Potato. - No, it's a Spanish dish.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29ALL: Paella!
0:24:28 > 0:24:29Yes, very good.
0:24:29 > 0:24:34So we've reduced this news quiz to "guessing Spanish dishes beginning with P".
0:24:34 > 0:24:38Yeah, this is the story that saffron is good for your eyesight.
0:24:38 > 0:24:43At £3,000 a pound, saffron is the third most expensive food in the world,
0:24:43 > 0:24:46after white truffles and Duchy Original biscuits.
0:24:48 > 0:24:49Next...
0:24:53 > 0:24:57Is it "documentary about Hollywood on BBC Two in about five minutes"?
0:24:57 > 0:24:58HISSING
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Who booed that?!
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Is it beard?
0:25:02 > 0:25:05A beard that's been grown over a period of time.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08- Hundred-Year Beard. - Massive long beard.- 30. 20.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- Pushy beard.- JACK: Ginger beard. Ginger beard.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Two-year beard, is the answer.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14Two years?!
0:25:14 > 0:25:16This is Beard Club member Paul Wright,
0:25:16 > 0:25:20who kept a photo diary of his beard growing. There you go.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22If you take the last two, turn them upside down...
0:25:22 > 0:25:24you get Jedward!
0:25:24 > 0:25:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:29 > 0:25:32I was told recently that my beard looks like I used to have a beard
0:25:32 > 0:25:36that died, and now my chin is haunted by the ghost of that beard.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Really? Wow.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40And your hair is scared of that beard.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45And lastly...
0:25:48 > 0:25:50ARMANDO: Gaddafi.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Girl's brain.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Er, the answer is "new species".
0:25:58 > 0:26:03A new species of leech discovered living in a young girl's nose.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05According to the BBC website...
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Likes to go for long walks, has a good sense of humour, no time-wasters.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:16 > 0:26:20The final scores are, Ian and Jack have three,
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Paul and Armando have nine!
0:26:22 > 0:26:25APPLAUSE
0:26:29 > 0:26:33But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35AUDIENCE: Aww!
0:26:35 > 0:26:38The Jedward gene enters the reptile kingdom.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41The Hamiltons are doing pantomime in Aldershot.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46ARMANDO: This is what a zoo would look like under AV.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50On which marvellous note, we say thank you to our panellists,
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Ian Hislop and Jack Whitehall, Paul Merton and Armando Iannucci,
0:26:53 > 0:26:55and I leave you with news that
0:26:55 > 0:26:58after a brief discussion about the relative merits of garage vs hip-hop,
0:26:58 > 0:27:01a group of friends decide to put some Snoop Dogg on the jukebox.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10And in Windsor, there's evidence that squirrels may have developed rudimentary weapons.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Good night.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:33 > 0:27:37E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk