0:00:25 > 0:00:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41I'm Sharon Horgan. In the news this week,
0:00:41 > 0:00:45at Gatwick, half-term is a busy week for the Ryanair baggage handlers...
0:00:49 > 0:00:51LAUGHTER
0:00:59 > 0:01:03In Morocco, it's opening day for the new Cristiano Ronaldo football school.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08LAUGHTER
0:01:08 > 0:01:13And in Alabama, the Ku Klux Klan unwind on a family fun day.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16LAUGHTER
0:01:19 > 0:01:22On Ian's team tonight, a comedian who was a big fan of Ronnie Barker
0:01:22 > 0:01:24and says he cried when he died.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26That's interesting - I lit FORK HANDLES.
0:01:26 > 0:01:31- Welcome, please, Joe Wilkinson. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:35 > 0:01:38And with Paul tonight is a TV presenter who once said
0:01:38 > 0:01:42that the person he most despises is Cuban leader Fidel Castro.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Well, we checked, and apparently the feeling's mutual.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48- It's Richard Madeley! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:48 > 0:01:51APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:01:51 > 0:01:54So, we start with the bigger stories of the week. Ian and Joe,
0:01:54 > 0:01:55take a look at this.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Oh, right, that's a FIFA man getting into a car.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01There's another one.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02JOE: Father Christmas.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06- Oh, and that's the presents.- Yeah.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Isn't that lovely? Oh, look, who could the winner be?!
0:02:09 > 0:02:11JOE: It's her, yeah.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Well, this was election night. I hope everyone stayed up. Fantastic.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Who's going to win, who's going to win?!
0:02:17 > 0:02:18- ..Oh.- Oh, it was Blatter.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21- Yeah.- Did you stay up for Blatter?
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Well, yeah, of course I did. It was a very nervous time, you know,
0:02:24 > 0:02:29this one box to tick... who's going to win?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31..Oh, yeah, it is him, yeah.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34I love the fact that they stuck to the ballot.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38When they opened the ballot box, they went, "Let's have a look who's won."
0:02:38 > 0:02:41"There's one for Sepp Blatter..."
0:02:41 > 0:02:44I just love the fact... Because obviously, Sepp Blatter won,
0:02:44 > 0:02:47- and then the whole of FIFA had a go at England.- Yes.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51And the most disgusting thing about England is we have a free press.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52Oh, how awful(!)
0:02:52 > 0:02:55I think it was a Greek delegate,
0:02:55 > 0:02:58said, "Typical English word, these 'allegations'."
0:02:58 > 0:03:01English word, "allegation".
0:03:01 > 0:03:06And you thought, there's a picture taken of a brown envelope full of money
0:03:06 > 0:03:09with the country it's going to on it. That's not an allegation!
0:03:09 > 0:03:11- That's proof! - LAUGHTER
0:03:11 > 0:03:16- "There's the English using 'facts' again."- Yeah.- Typical.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19But he was unopposed last time! This is his fourth time.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21RICHARD: Yeah, 13 years.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Maybe he'll die!
0:03:23 > 0:03:27- LAUGHTER - Well, there's a cheery thought!
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Then they could, as a tribute, use his skull in the final.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32- That's a lovely idea. - It's a tribute!
0:03:32 > 0:03:35- Or as the cup!- Indeed!
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Absolutely, yeah. Andrew Marr should be the cup.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40You can pick him up like that.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43So according to the Guardian...
0:03:49 > 0:03:53But in the interests of balance, we should point out that...
0:03:56 > 0:04:00- RICHARD: Did you see the front page of the Sun this week?- No.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03It had a picture of Sepp, and next to it was a picture of Colonel Gaddafi,
0:04:03 > 0:04:07- and the headline was, "Despot The Difference".- That's brilliant!
0:04:07 > 0:04:11- A bit harsh on Sepp, I thought. - I think it's pretty hard on Gaddafi.
0:04:11 > 0:04:16As elections go, I think Libya's pretty free and fair compared...
0:04:16 > 0:04:19- to FIFA.- He doesn't even like football.- Doesn't he?- No.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21What were Prince William's views?
0:04:21 > 0:04:24They got him to say he was very disappointed, didn't they?
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Sort of. His spokesman said...
0:04:32 > 0:04:34RICHARD: No, he didn't. He didn't say that.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38- It sounds more like something Harry would say. - LAUGHTER
0:04:38 > 0:04:42Didn't someone say that he offered a seat at his wedding for support
0:04:42 > 0:04:43for the World Cup as a sort of...
0:04:43 > 0:04:47- Bribe.- I'm not saying bribe.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51I heard that, I think those delegates want more than a seat at the back of the Abbey.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54No, they're looking for 100,000.
0:04:54 > 0:04:59Seat in the Abbey? I could have had tickets to the Abbey for half that.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Did you go? Were you there?
0:05:01 > 0:05:02- Oh!- No.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Too busy doing the cocaine!
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- Would anyone like to hear a funny FIFA joke?- ALL: Yes!
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Take it away, ex-Manchester United manager Tommy Docherty.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19We're never surprised anything that happens in the game today,
0:05:19 > 0:05:20I mean, FIFA,
0:05:20 > 0:05:22There's a FIFA this and a FIFA that.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:26 > 0:05:29'Tommy Docherty, very good to talk to you, thanks ever so much.'
0:05:29 > 0:05:32This is the FIFA corruption scandal which is threatening
0:05:32 > 0:05:35to drive football's reputation into the gutter
0:05:35 > 0:05:37and THAT'S according to Ryan Giggs.
0:05:38 > 0:05:44According to the Sun, the FIFA Presidency vote took place at the Messe Centre in Zurich,
0:05:44 > 0:05:48but only because the Farcical Cock-up Centre was already booked.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50So, it's not the first time
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Sepp Blatter has been at the centre of a storm.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55In 2004, he said that women footballers should wear:
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Although to be fair,
0:06:00 > 0:06:02tight shorts can be a good thing.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10- Is that a real photo? - Yes, that's a real photo, Ian.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13So, Paul and Richard - here's a story for you.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Can you give us a moment to recover?
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- From the picture.- A two-minute silence I think would do.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Is it possible to have some counselling?
0:06:20 > 0:06:25- Oh, here we go.- Edible Dalek.- Yeah, probably on Blue Peter or something.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28The Daleks have mutated into a new species.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31That's a retirement home and that's where the Daleks are going
0:06:31 > 0:06:34because they're being rested. They don't do much.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38You have to see them in small doses cos if you think about it too much,
0:06:38 > 0:06:40it's the old thing where you just go upstairs
0:06:40 > 0:06:43- and that's it. - But they float now.- They float?
0:06:43 > 0:06:44- Fly now, yes.- The devils!
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Didn't they give them a new catchphrase which is,
0:06:47 > 0:06:49"Elevate, elevate."
0:06:49 > 0:06:51- They actually do say that.- Do they?
0:06:51 > 0:06:54There's one which works in the beauty parlour near me going,
0:06:54 > 0:06:56"Exfoliate, exfoliate!"
0:06:56 > 0:07:00- They can get jobs anywhere. - APPLAUSE
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Professor of Logic - "Extrapolate, extrapolate."
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Professor of Logic!
0:07:06 > 0:07:07LAUGHTER
0:07:07 > 0:07:09I'd like to be a Professor of Logic.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12You'd have a day off when you just do illogical things.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Eat a balloon, or something.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16"It's my day off, mate."
0:07:16 > 0:07:21I like the idea of the Daleks being retired and having to go and live in a home with each other.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25Presumably, they just tell boring, theatrical anecdotes.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27"Do you remember when we took on the Doctor?"
0:07:27 > 0:07:31The Daleks talk like Alan Bennett, like all your impressions.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Every impression is Alan Bennett!
0:07:34 > 0:07:36I'd like to see them, now they're retired,
0:07:36 > 0:07:39come back maybe in other shows like EastEnders.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43The new landlord of The Vic.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Or Pat's new husband.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49"Paa-aat, Paa-aat."
0:07:49 > 0:07:52- I can't do an impression. - No, terrific!
0:07:52 > 0:07:57- Not at all like Alan Bennett. - Ian can do an impression but it will sound like Alan Bennett.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00- But he can do a Dalek in EastEnders. - Go on, say, "Exterminate."
0:08:00 > 0:08:02AS ALAN BENNETT: Ooh, exterminate.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Look, I mean, they're actors, the Daleks.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Yeah, but they're typecast, to be honest.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15How many Shakespearean roles will you get
0:08:15 > 0:08:17with a plunger sticking out of your head?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Four, at the most.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23The Daleks Of Verona - it doesn't work, does it?
0:08:23 > 0:08:26The executive producer, Stephen Moffat, said:
0:08:34 > 0:08:36I think that's stretching it. I've checked
0:08:36 > 0:08:40and the Doctor has been defeated by the Daleks 37 times.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42It's not true, I just made it up.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45You know Doctor Who fans, they're not bothered by little details.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51So, what has Anthony Wainer of the Doctor Who Appreciation Society
0:08:51 > 0:08:53had to say about this?
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Was it something...very sensible?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Something reasonable?
0:08:58 > 0:09:02Something reasonable based on a general world view and a sociable outlook?
0:09:02 > 0:09:06Was he with his girlfriend or wife or significant other before he said this,
0:09:06 > 0:09:08or does he come from a bedsit in Widnes?
0:09:10 > 0:09:11He's a bit upset. He said:
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Luckily, there's loads of DVDs featuring Doctor Who and Daleks
0:09:19 > 0:09:23so you don't have to forget about it, it's there. It's a TV programme,
0:09:23 > 0:09:26people recorded it. You can see it again.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Are strawberries and cream that dangerous?
0:09:29 > 0:09:32- Have you tried to buy them? - Yeah, they are. Incendiary.
0:09:32 > 0:09:37Two things that shouldn't go together like pasta and antipasti, you put the two together...
0:09:37 > 0:09:39There's an almighty explosion.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40No, the world ends.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41The world ends.
0:09:41 > 0:09:46Some of the Daleks actually made a strange career choice
0:09:46 > 0:09:48in 2005, do you know what that might have been?
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Formed a boy band?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54No. They actually, according to the Sun,
0:09:54 > 0:09:57they appeared in a porn film.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Well, that sucks.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12The films take a while to get going because there's usually a long pause
0:10:12 > 0:10:15after the housewife says, "Why don't you come upstairs?"
0:10:17 > 0:10:19I keep telling you, they float.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21AUDIENCE MEMBER: Ejaculate!
0:10:21 > 0:10:24LAUGHTER
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Get out.
0:10:31 > 0:10:36You're not Michael Billington from the Guardian, are you?
0:10:36 > 0:10:40Which other incomprehensible TV star bent on world domination
0:10:40 > 0:10:43has found herself on the scrap heap this week?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- Cheryl Cole.- That's right. Yes. National treasure, Cheryl Cole.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48She was sensationally axed as a judge
0:10:48 > 0:10:50on the US version of the X Factor.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Who's going to be replacing her, Ian?
0:10:53 > 0:10:55LAUGHTER
0:10:55 > 0:10:56Come on, come on!
0:10:56 > 0:10:59It's er... I don't know either.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04They're saying there were a few reasons, aren't they?
0:11:04 > 0:11:08They said the Yanks couldn't understand her as she talks funny.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12Secondly, she had no chemistry with fellow judge...
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Paula Abdul, that's right, Ian.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Paula Abdul, yes.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Of course, it was Simon who gave Cheryl her break in America.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Unfortunately, it turned out to just be a weekend break.
0:11:24 > 0:11:30It seems a bit unfair to pick on Cheryl because they can't understand her. The Americans love that.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34You know, another big question that has to be asked is, are we at war?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37I haven't heard the President say that we are at war
0:11:37 > 0:11:41and that's why I too, um, am not knowing,
0:11:41 > 0:11:43do we use the term "intervention"?
0:11:43 > 0:11:48Do we use "war"? Do we use "squirmish"? What is it?
0:11:48 > 0:11:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:52 > 0:11:54The fall-out from Cheryl's sacking
0:11:54 > 0:11:57means it's unlikely she'll go to Simon Cowell's wedding.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01But let's be honest, it's unlikely he'll be going.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04According to friends, Cheryl has never felt more humiliated.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07And this is a woman whose ex-husband shot a work-experience boy,
0:12:07 > 0:12:09was sick during sex with a hairdresser
0:12:09 > 0:12:12and sent pictures of his genitals to girls he hardly knew.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17- Do you want to hear my impression of Cheryl Cole?- Yes!
0:12:17 > 0:12:20- ALAN BENNETT VOICE: - Oh, no, I've been fired.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Ian and Joe, here's another story for you.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29- That's Lord Taylor. - Waiting for his sentence.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Yup.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Oh, he's being put in the Jeffrey Archer suite.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38It's a Tory peer who's been sent to jail for fiddling his expenses.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41- That's right.- Which is a big story cos he's not Labour.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45And there's four Labour peers in there, waiting.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49I'd love to be a fly on the wall when he's in the cell with his cellmate,
0:12:49 > 0:12:51"What you in for?"
0:12:51 > 0:12:53"Yeah, pretending I live in Oxford."
0:12:55 > 0:12:57"You're the lowest of the low."
0:12:57 > 0:13:00What exactly did he do wrong?
0:13:00 > 0:13:04He lived in Ealing and said he lived in Oxford. Didn't seem too bad to me.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07He was claiming your money to live in both of them, though.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Give him two years.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13It was a bit worse than that, he claimed bogus travel
0:13:13 > 0:13:16and overnight expenses worth £11,277
0:13:16 > 0:13:18by telling the House Of Lords his main home was Oxford,
0:13:18 > 0:13:23but he also claimed that he had lived with his mother
0:13:23 > 0:13:25in the Midlands until 2007,
0:13:25 > 0:13:27but what slightly undermined this?
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- She died years before.- Right. According to the Mirror...
0:13:31 > 0:13:33He could have been living with her,
0:13:33 > 0:13:34sort of, Psycho.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38He also said... He kept lying about it until the last minute.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42- Kept making up more stories and that's what made it worse.- Yeah.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Him denying it to the end sounds interesting.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47In court, they say, "Your mother's dead." "No, she isn't."
0:13:47 > 0:13:50"Produce her." "She's gone shopping."
0:13:50 > 0:13:52"When will she be back?" "About an hour."
0:13:52 > 0:13:57Then in the end, he says, "I'll go and get her," comes back in a wig...
0:13:57 > 0:14:00"Has my son been here?" Then goes back, "Did you see her?"
0:14:00 > 0:14:03The giveaway was, she sounded like Alan Bennett as well.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06You had a great statistic in your magazine,
0:14:06 > 0:14:08I think this week, that, um...
0:14:08 > 0:14:14MPs are statistically four times more likely to go to jail than you guys.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Notice I don't include me. But you...
0:14:16 > 0:14:17LAUGHTER
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Four times more likely to go to jail.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Look, they're stunned, thinking, "Only FOUR?"
0:14:23 > 0:14:25It's incredible, how did you work that out?
0:14:25 > 0:14:28- Um, just numbers.- OK. LAUGHTER
0:14:28 > 0:14:29APPLAUSE
0:14:29 > 0:14:31This is Lord Taylor of Warwick
0:14:31 > 0:14:34who has been jailed for 12 months for fiddling his expenses.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37He claimed an allowance of £11,277
0:14:37 > 0:14:39for travel between London and Oxford.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Mind you, it was a Friday afternoon
0:14:41 > 0:14:44and he did buy the ticket at the station.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47According to The Independent...
0:14:50 > 0:14:51Yup.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54That's exactly what they're going to call him.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58As in, "Give me your snout or I'll tear you a new arsehole,
0:14:58 > 0:14:59"Lord Taylor of Warwick."
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Paul and Richard, here's another story for you.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06- Blackpool Tower. - Yeah, that's obviously Blackpool.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09There we are, there's Blackpool roller coasters, then... Blimey.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13There's... This is part of the drilling that's been going on,
0:15:13 > 0:15:16there's been an earthquake in Blackpool.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18That's probably a simulation of it.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21There's been earthquakes in Blackpool,
0:15:21 > 0:15:24due to this fact they've been drilling... It's very obvious.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27It's matching the words. Fracking, it's called fracking.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30So, "Pass us the fracking drill." So...
0:15:30 > 0:15:31LAUGHTER
0:15:31 > 0:15:33"Get it your fracking self."
0:15:33 > 0:15:35- So, you'd have a... - LAUGHTER
0:15:35 > 0:15:37That's absolutely 100% right. Yeah.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38Since it started in the area,
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Blackpool has experienced two earthquakes
0:15:40 > 0:15:43which are being blamed on the fracking drilling.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Do you know what happened when the earthquake hit?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Yes, it caused £20 worth of damage.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52A mile-worth of buildings knocked down.
0:15:53 > 0:15:58Did the alarm go off on those... You know those 2p-shove machines?
0:16:01 > 0:16:06- The 1.5 magnitude earthquake struck at 1am.- That's a tremor!- Yes.
0:16:06 > 0:16:07It's an earthquake.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10- OK.- According to the Telegraph...
0:16:13 > 0:16:15That's Blackpool for you on a Friday night.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19- Richard, you like to be beside the seaside.- Mm-hmm.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22- Don't you?- Mm-hmm.- Here's a message you tweeted last week...
0:16:30 > 0:16:34- Best buy of the year thus far. - Sounds fantastic!- It's great.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Why did you feel the need to tweet this?
0:16:36 > 0:16:38- Could you not say to yourself... - LAUGHTER
0:16:38 > 0:16:42"I bought a clock, it's very nice, good for me"
0:16:42 > 0:16:44and then carry about your business?
0:16:44 > 0:16:45LAUGHTER
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- Without disturbing the rest of us. - I'll tell you the truth,
0:16:48 > 0:16:50I'm quite a regular tweeter,
0:16:50 > 0:16:53and if I don't tweet four or five times a day,
0:16:53 > 0:16:55my, I hate this word, but "followers," get a bit nowty.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Is this what the lord Buddha thought?
0:16:58 > 0:17:00"Oh, I must share my revelations
0:17:00 > 0:17:03"or my followers will get a bit nowty."
0:17:03 > 0:17:07That particular day, nothing remotely interesting had happened all day
0:17:07 > 0:17:09and that was the only thing I could tweet.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Why don't you just do something interesting?
0:17:12 > 0:17:14That's why I bought a tide clock.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Put the phone over here,
0:17:16 > 0:17:19go for a life over here.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- RICHARD: It got a very enthusiastic response.- Did it?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27People kept saying, "What state is the tide in now, Rich?"
0:17:27 > 0:17:31I'm saying, "It's half out."
0:17:31 > 0:17:33"What's it like now, Rich?" "It's coming in."
0:17:33 > 0:17:38JOE: I think you're about to get a few more followers.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41RICHARD: It's quality stuff.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45According to The Independent, the Blackpool tremor was...
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Do please keep those donations coming in.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55So on to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.
0:17:55 > 0:17:56Fingers on buzzers.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03LAUGHTER
0:18:03 > 0:18:05- BUZZ - Ian.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07- Oh, I know.- Hmm.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09No, I was lying.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11- We don't know what it is. - Oh, well...
0:18:11 > 0:18:13this is the news that police in Barnsley
0:18:13 > 0:18:16are trying to stamp out swearing by introducing
0:18:16 > 0:18:17an £80 fine in the town centre.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21I'm assuming you won't know why it's been introduced?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Is it cos people tend to get off the train and immediately swear?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26HE MOUTHS
0:18:28 > 0:18:30HE MOUTHS
0:18:33 > 0:18:35According to The Mail...
0:18:41 > 0:18:43- I can imagine them now...- I know.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45..with their trainers and their tracksuits.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50The fine is being introduced this month.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53What will happen to people who swear in July?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Is it half rates for the summer?
0:18:56 > 0:18:59The initiative is only in operation during June.
0:18:59 > 0:19:00- Thank- BLEEP- for that!
0:19:00 > 0:19:04It'd be nice if they did a flash mob, where on the last day of June,
0:19:04 > 0:19:06everyone stood there looking at their watch
0:19:06 > 0:19:08then went absolute nuts.
0:19:08 > 0:19:09HE MOUTHS
0:19:12 > 0:19:13HE MOUTHS
0:19:13 > 0:19:15"Nothing you can do, mate."
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Speaking of inappropriate behaviour in public,
0:19:24 > 0:19:26how much would you fine this bloke?
0:19:26 > 0:19:29HE SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE
0:19:32 > 0:19:33HE MIAOWS
0:19:35 > 0:19:36HE BARKS
0:19:39 > 0:19:40HE OINKS
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53BUZZ
0:19:53 > 0:19:56This is a dress made out of cheese. Due to the economy
0:19:56 > 0:19:59going down the pan, people can't afford textiles any more
0:19:59 > 0:20:03but they can afford to wear dairy products, it's cheese.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06It is cheese. Fashion students from Bath Spa University
0:20:06 > 0:20:11- have made a new summer collection of clothing out of cheese.- Yep.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Student Lisa Dylan even made a pair of gorgeous shoes. Here they are.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Do you know what she's calling them?
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Some cheese-based pun?
0:20:18 > 0:20:21- Yes, Jimmy Cheese.- Jimmy Cheese?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24That would've taken us four years to get to that one.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27I once bought a pair of cheese trousers. I stayed at a hotel,
0:20:27 > 0:20:32put them in a Corby press. Next morning I was wearing welsh rabbit!
0:20:32 > 0:20:34- Terribly embarrassing. - In other food news,
0:20:34 > 0:20:39what's being hailed as the greatest invention since sliced bread?
0:20:39 > 0:20:40- Cheese.- Toast.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Sliced cheese.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Sliced cheese on toast.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48It's a sandwich which you can buy in a can,
0:20:48 > 0:20:49or a Candwich.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52It lasts for one whole year.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54AUDIENCE GROANS
0:20:54 > 0:20:58No-one's going to nick that from the fridge at work, are they?
0:20:58 > 0:20:59Here's one in action.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10AUDIENCE GROANS
0:21:20 > 0:21:22JOE: Please, please don't eat it.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Please, please.
0:21:24 > 0:21:29I was waiting for something to make the Pot Noodle look sophisticated.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32I've finally seen it, it's a sandwich in a tin.
0:21:33 > 0:21:38The Candwich has garnered a lot of attention online...naturally.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Desiree from Las Vegas, she said...
0:21:49 > 0:21:52AUDIENCE GROANS
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Yes, Desiree, I suppose it sort of does.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Time now for the Odd One Out Round.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Just one between you this week.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04The Peruvian National Anthem...
0:22:04 > 0:22:06the Dostoyevsky metro station...
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Howard from the Halifax adverts... and Eeyore.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12The Peruvian National Anthem is considered dreary by people in Peru.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16They want a much more optimistic, upbeat... # We are from Peru
0:22:16 > 0:22:19# We march, that's what we do... # Something like that, rather than...
0:22:19 > 0:22:20# We're from Peru... #
0:22:20 > 0:22:23So I think... Eeyore's notoriously gloomy.
0:22:23 > 0:22:28So therefore, they've all been sort of changed or sacked
0:22:28 > 0:22:31because they're gloomy, apart from Howard who is not gloomy
0:22:31 > 0:22:33but has been sacked anyway.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35You are so right. They're all too miserable
0:22:35 > 0:22:38apart from Howard Brown from the Halifax adverts,
0:22:38 > 0:22:40who was taken off the bank's advertising campaigns
0:22:40 > 0:22:43because he was too chirpy for the recession.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47First of all, Peru's national anthem. The Peruvian man,
0:22:47 > 0:22:51called Julio Davalos, has spent £100,000 of his own money
0:22:51 > 0:22:54campaigning to change his country's national anthem
0:22:54 > 0:22:56- as he thinks it's too miserable.- Yes.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57I presume you're familiar with it?
0:22:57 > 0:23:01You can spot the Peruvians in the audience - they'll stand to attention.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18I'm not 100% what the tune is, but I'm guessing it's...
0:23:18 > 0:23:20SHE SINGS: "Mexican Hat Dance"
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Whee!
0:23:26 > 0:23:29But you were right about the metro station in Moscow,
0:23:29 > 0:23:31named after the gloomy writer, Dostoevsky.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34It's been criticised for being too depressing.
0:23:34 > 0:23:39What's Abraham Lincoln doing in a Russian tube station?
0:23:39 > 0:23:42It depicts violent scenes from the writer's novels.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44JOE: Pop a picture of Eeyore in there.
0:23:44 > 0:23:49- Yes!- Put a bit of shine in your day.- He's quite gloomy, Eeyore. - There's a new Disney cartoon.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Has he been written out of it?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54The Americans are doing a version. The new character's called Yee-ha!
0:23:55 > 0:23:58A really upbeat kinda donkey!
0:23:58 > 0:24:01"Shall we go on an expedition, Eeyore?"
0:24:01 > 0:24:03"Yeah! Great!"
0:24:03 > 0:24:07- GRIZZLED PROSPECTOR ACCENT:- "Yeah, that's a good idea. Let's do that!"
0:24:07 > 0:24:11"Remember the first expedition I went on was 1867, long time ago,
0:24:11 > 0:24:14"I was a shrewd donkey then but I'm much older..."
0:24:14 > 0:24:16That sort of thing.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19I'm auditioning for any roles. I also do...
0:24:19 > 0:24:22I also do German U-boat captains at the drop of a hat.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24"What goes on? Zis is?"
0:24:24 > 0:24:27The only thing I do.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32- Want to hear my German U-boat captain?- Yes, please!
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Guess who it sounds like?
0:24:34 > 0:24:36- AS ALAN BENNETT:- "Oh, no, it's depth charges."
0:24:36 > 0:24:38APPLAUSE
0:24:42 > 0:24:46They're all too miserable, apart from Howard Brown from the Halifax adverts.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50He was taken off the campaign for being too chirpy for the recession.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51According to the Times,
0:24:51 > 0:24:54the murals at the Dostoevsky metro station have been...
0:25:00 > 0:25:05To be honest, as long as nobody makes eye contact with me and I've got a seat, I really don't care.
0:25:05 > 0:25:09Time now for the Missing Words round, which this week features
0:25:09 > 0:25:10The Palindromist,
0:25:10 > 0:25:13a journal for people who write and read palindromes.
0:25:13 > 0:25:18This week's edition includes classic palindromes such as...
0:25:18 > 0:25:23An unlikely scenario, where a male palindromist actually communicates with a lady.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26And we start with...
0:25:30 > 0:25:32They'll ask, "What is a palindrome?"
0:25:32 > 0:25:35A lot of people think it's an unmanned aircraft
0:25:35 > 0:25:37that attacks Sarah Palin.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45They'll ask, "Are you the sort of person who's got a tide clock?"
0:25:50 > 0:25:51The answer is...
0:25:53 > 0:25:57- We all thought it was a misprint for "why".- Oh? Yeah, exactly!
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Next...
0:26:02 > 0:26:04JOE: Ugly?
0:26:07 > 0:26:10I'm not a practising pork butcher...
0:26:12 > 0:26:14It's not that either.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16JOE: Is it "conjoined"?
0:26:18 > 0:26:20And the answer is...
0:26:22 > 0:26:26This is the list of excuses given by people sponging off the state.
0:26:26 > 0:26:31The best one of those I saw was a man who claimed he had no idea that his wife had a job,
0:26:31 > 0:26:33because when she was out the house
0:26:33 > 0:26:36it coincided with the time he spent in the shed.
0:26:36 > 0:26:37Next...
0:26:39 > 0:26:42- The palindrome.- Yeah! Evil Bob the palindrome in Norfolk!
0:26:42 > 0:26:46JOE: Is it Evil Bob the builder builds hill?
0:26:46 > 0:26:47Oh, I know this one.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49It's Ainsworth.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54The answer is...
0:26:54 > 0:26:57This is Evil Bob the dog, whose owner is keen to be rid of him
0:26:57 > 0:27:01due to his bad breath, wonky teeth and bad behaviour. According to the owner...
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Sounds like my old boyfriend.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14So, the final scores are...
0:27:14 > 0:27:15..Ian and Joe have 6,
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Paul and Richard have 9.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19- Oh.- Well done.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22APPLAUSE
0:27:24 > 0:27:28But before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32This is the worst game of strip poker I've ever played!
0:27:34 > 0:27:36And I leave you with news that, in Cumbria,
0:27:36 > 0:27:42there's evidence that eating too much spinach can be bad for you...
0:27:42 > 0:27:45As auditions begin for a new series of The Only Way Is Essex,
0:27:45 > 0:27:48one hopeful is rejected on the grounds she's simply too classy...
0:27:52 > 0:27:55And in London, a bad moment for Mayoral candidate Ken Livingstone
0:27:55 > 0:27:57as he gets knocked over by a bus.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Good night.
0:28:29 > 0:28:33Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd