0:00:27 > 0:00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41I'm Jo Brand.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44In the news this week, in the gardens at Balmoral
0:00:44 > 0:00:48there are suspicions the sculptor may have run off with the cash
0:00:48 > 0:00:51as the Queen unveils a statue of her favourite corgi.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03Olympic news, and in East London, cycling officials test out
0:01:03 > 0:01:06the new system to discourage false starts.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15And on Falklands TV the breakfast show with Mike and Denise
0:01:15 > 0:01:17gets off to an uncertain start
0:01:17 > 0:01:19when Denise turns up late.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37On Ian's team tonight is one of my fellow writer-performers
0:01:37 > 0:01:39on the BBC sitcom Getting On,
0:01:39 > 0:01:43in which she plays a senior figure to me. Not tonight, love.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Please welcome Joanna Scanlon.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:52 > 0:01:55And with Paul tonight is a comedian who says some evenings
0:01:55 > 0:01:58he'll eat pasta, ribs, beef, donuts and chocolate cake.
0:01:58 > 0:02:03Yes, I agree, it's nice to snack while you're waiting for the pizza.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Please welcome Reginald D. Hunter.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:10 > 0:02:13And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Ian and Jo, take a look at this.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Oh, yes. Cameron. "Trust me, I'm a spin doctor."
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Yes. Ministering angel, Mr Cameron.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23"I'm about to be fired. Ha!"
0:02:23 > 0:02:24Pretty, though.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27That's someone trying to see their GP.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33"Oh, dear. Which lock is it? The top, bottom, the, uh...?"
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Yeah, this is special reduction on sentences.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40- You get half...- In pantomime. - In panto, yes!
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Well, it's been a bad week, all round, for the Government.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- Yeah.- And they're now ahead of Labour in the polls.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Can you imagine if they were doing badly?!
0:02:48 > 0:02:52They're dithering. There's a lot of dithering been happening all week,
0:02:52 > 0:02:56whether it's health, crime, the judges and the judicial system,
0:02:56 > 0:02:59they don't know whether to, you know, buy the Louboutins
0:02:59 > 0:03:03or the Jimmy Choos, they're becoming very, uh, I don't know,
0:03:03 > 0:03:07female, in the sense that they're changing their minds quite a bit.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08That's quite sexist.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13She might say something different in a minute.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19I did read something this week saying that it was all to be blamed
0:03:19 > 0:03:21on Tony Blair's autobiography.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Which they had read, and realised that they should have got in early,
0:03:24 > 0:03:26that Tony felt, retrospectively,
0:03:26 > 0:03:30- he hadn't gone in early enough... - Absolutely.- ..and changed policies.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32That's right. They felt they should emulate Blair,
0:03:32 > 0:03:33except do it quicker.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37So don't wait a couple of years for a useless war, go straight in early!
0:03:37 > 0:03:42Uh, reform the system? Try it, give up, do a u-turn, and say, "sorry."
0:03:42 > 0:03:44And the process upset the Archbishop of Canterbury.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Yes, he's come out on the side of the poor.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49That'll get him in trouble!
0:03:49 > 0:03:51"What does he think he's there for?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53"Stick to talking about gays and women!"
0:03:53 > 0:03:57DELAYED LAUGHTER
0:03:57 > 0:03:59"Stop interfering in politics! Oooh!"
0:03:59 > 0:04:03I don't know who this is an impression of at the moment.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06It's not Alan Bennett - that we know!
0:04:06 > 0:04:12Regarding the NHS health reforms, David Cameron said he was going to pause, engage,
0:04:12 > 0:04:13reflect and listen.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15I do the same thing when I'm on the toilet.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23You might be able to help me out with this question, then.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25- Anything for YOU, Jo.- Ooh!
0:04:25 > 0:04:29I'm so glad we're back on that footing already, Reg.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32- Having paused...- Would you like the rest of us to leave?
0:04:32 > 0:04:36- Me and Reg... - If you think that gon' help.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40Me and Reg would like the rest of you to WATCH.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Now I can't get it out of my head.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50It's gone. It's gone.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Anyway, having paused, engaged, reflected and listened for two months now,
0:04:53 > 0:04:55what's he gone and done?
0:04:55 > 0:04:59He's decided to re-write the whole reform package.
0:04:59 > 0:05:04He's changed quite a lot of it and the man who wrote it - poor old Lansley - has been hung out to dry.
0:05:04 > 0:05:09He says he's unveiled five pledges concerning the NHS.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13- Anyone know what they are?- Pledge one - it'll still be called the NHS.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15No, his first pledge about the NHS was...
0:05:19 > 0:05:24..which is obviously reassuring. The others are a bit dull so I won't bother to read them.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28They're not THAT dull. They're quite encouraging if you USE the service.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31- Maybe it's just that dull people like them.- Yeah.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38I'm not being horrible. I love dullness. You should meet my husband.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42Compared to him, Ian seems like the Great Bambino, whoever that is.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44The Great Bambino?
0:05:47 > 0:05:52- With the white tights and silvery waistcoat?- I've no idea, I just made him up.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56- I did, too. I made him flesh to the figure.- Yes.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- He told NHS workers... - The Great Bambino did?
0:05:59 > 0:06:04I thought he was a fictional character. Now he's advising the government on the NHS?
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Politics moves quickly in this country!
0:06:07 > 0:06:09He'll be Prime Minister next!
0:06:09 > 0:06:13You're right - it was Cameron. ..told NHS workers at University College Hospital, London
0:06:13 > 0:06:17that he learnt a lot during the pause. What has he learnt?
0:06:17 > 0:06:23That it's going to be OK privatising NHS, cos he did a bang-up job with the trains.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28He's learnt that he wants to keep his targets. Isn't that one of his other things?
0:06:28 > 0:06:35- People actually like that fact... - Yes.- ..it's only 18 weeks waiting... - Oh, indeed.- ..before you...
0:06:35 > 0:06:36Die.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40To find out if you're pregnant?
0:06:42 > 0:06:4418 weeks to find out.
0:06:44 > 0:06:50What did Andrew Lansley - the minister responsible for the proposals - say this week?
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Was he pausing and looking and learning and reflecting?
0:06:53 > 0:06:54No, he's actually...
0:06:55 > 0:06:57..which will be...
0:07:02 > 0:07:07Jo, you're quite familiar with the workers of the NHS,
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- having co-written and starred in... - Having pretended to be a nurse.
0:07:10 > 0:07:15- You get picked as a nurse quite a lot, don't you?- It's because I'm fat. It's as simple as that.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19I'll have to give it a quick mention again. ..in Getting On.
0:07:19 > 0:07:24- Yes.- Set in a medical ward for the elderly.- Are we allowed to do product placement?
0:07:24 > 0:07:26It's not a product, Ian, it's a work of art.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32APPLAUSE
0:07:32 > 0:07:36Didn't you win a BAFTA recently for Best Female Comedy Performance?
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Oh, no, sorry, that was me.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41APPLAUSE
0:07:41 > 0:07:42- Sorry.- Forgiven!
0:07:42 > 0:07:47Before we leave the NHS behind, can we please have a look at a man
0:07:47 > 0:07:50who, negotiating some steps outside the Savoy Hotel in London,
0:07:50 > 0:07:53was lucky not to end up in A&E?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Oh, here we go...
0:07:57 > 0:07:59- Ooh. - AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:07:59 > 0:08:02I think he's going to hit that thing at the bottom.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05He's going to hit that yellow thing. Go on...
0:08:08 > 0:08:11And you're saying this is Boris Johnson?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Go on, hit the yellow thing, hit the yellow thing.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16AUDIENCE GROAN AND CHEER
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Don't worry, he was fine.
0:08:21 > 0:08:26Shall we join him as he continues his journey home?
0:08:26 > 0:08:28To put your minds at rest, I know you'll be worrying,
0:08:28 > 0:08:30yes, he does fall over again.
0:08:49 > 0:08:54He seems to be being chased by the Sun newspaper!
0:08:54 > 0:08:57It's lowered his IQ so much, he's forgotten how to walk.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01How does the Sun get the copyright on CCTV footage?
0:09:01 > 0:09:04I expect it has a relationship with the police.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Or Satan.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09They'll take that out.
0:09:10 > 0:09:15Back to politics. Where else has the government made a U-turn this week?
0:09:15 > 0:09:18- Sentencing?- Indeed. Please enlarge.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20- Um, they were going... - LAUGHTER
0:09:22 > 0:09:23Honestly! I...
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Really, you're going to sit there
0:09:25 > 0:09:27and act like you don't know what you did?!
0:09:30 > 0:09:31APPLAUSE
0:09:31 > 0:09:37Controversial changes to sentencing laws including halving sentences in return for a guilty plea...
0:09:37 > 0:09:39- Yes.- ..are to be shelved
0:09:39 > 0:09:43after a meeting between David Cameron and Justice Secretary Kenneth Clarke.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47The suspicion is that it's cos it costs a lot of money,
0:09:47 > 0:09:48to keep people in prison.
0:09:48 > 0:09:53And so, um, people thought "Why should we just go and have justice on the cheap?"
0:09:53 > 0:09:56So Cameron's changed his mind. People didn't like it.
0:09:56 > 0:10:01And Ed Miliband said, in the Commons, "You've changed your mind.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03"And quite right, cos I didn't agree either."
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Which is an amazing debating point.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Well, he did accuse David Cameron of overseeing...
0:10:12 > 0:10:14To be honest, he's not wrong.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Jedward's dad!
0:10:20 > 0:10:25The one that I'm confused about is the one where they're hammering down in the dawn raid.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27- Yeah, that's a rather silly story. - Yeah?
0:10:27 > 0:10:31The police went round to smash into someone's flat in London,
0:10:31 > 0:10:33and Boris decided to go as well.
0:10:33 > 0:10:34DCI Johnson!
0:10:35 > 0:10:37He's got his own series.
0:10:37 > 0:10:42- Do you want to...- A maverick cop, with a slightly dodgy private life.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- He cycles, that's the...- He cycles! Oh, that's brilliant.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50"I'd better do some house-to-house investigations. I might be some time...
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- "Particularly number 43..." - MUMBLES LIKE BORIS JOHNSON
0:10:53 > 0:10:58Reg, would you like to see Boris doing a drug raid with the police?
0:10:58 > 0:11:00- Yes, ma'am.- Here we go.
0:11:02 > 0:11:03PAUL LAUGHS
0:11:05 > 0:11:08He went in, and there was a bloke in there who was being arrested.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12He saw Boris and said, "What the f... are you doing here?!"
0:11:12 > 0:11:14- "What the- BLEEP- are you doing here."
0:11:14 > 0:11:18- I think that's what he said. - I don't want to come across all Wayne Rooney.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Get yourself down Harley Street then, mate!
0:11:27 > 0:11:29So, this is the NHS reforms.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32There have also been reforms in Britain's policing.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36The new National Crime Agency is replacing the much-maligned...
0:11:38 > 0:11:43Which was, at least, an improvement on the Frivolous Organised Crime Agency.
0:11:43 > 0:11:48The Serious Organised Crime Agency has listed various achievements in its defence, saying...
0:11:51 > 0:11:56Though that's largely down to Charlie Sheen switching to heroin.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59- Paul and Reg, here's yours. - All right.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04Right, this is, er... Oh, yes.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06This is Wayne Rooney, and he's had a...
0:12:06 > 0:12:09That's him before. That's how he used to be.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12And um, that's... I don't know where that is.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20- Oh, yeah.- That's the cheap alternative when he was in Sly and the Family Stone.
0:12:22 > 0:12:23It's about his hair transplant.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26It may be a hair transplant. It looks a bit like crop circles.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Perhaps he's planting crops and growing a full head of wheat.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32You're looking at me as if I'm mad, Reg.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35He's growing wheat on his head so he can feed his children.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38I'm looking at you like we ain't gon' win.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42APPLAUSE
0:12:42 > 0:12:43I'll revise my answer.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47- This is Wayne Rooney, who this week had a hair transplant.- Thank you.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51- Do you know how the operation actually works?- Yeah.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54They find the hairs on his arse and pull 'em all the way through.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59I knew it. I knew it.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04He found a donor, but unfortunately, it was Bobby Charlton.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09Apparently, what they do is dig out the hair follicles
0:13:09 > 0:13:11from a place on his body where hair is still growing
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- and stick them on his head.- Exactly.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Jo, give us a point.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19You've just got a point for that.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23All right. Here, Reg. Here's another question for you.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Get this right, you might get another point.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29How much did the operation apparently cost?
0:13:29 > 0:13:33In the future, when you ask questions, can you leave out the sarcasm?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40We're trying to win here!
0:13:43 > 0:13:46You can do something about your tongue too!
0:13:48 > 0:13:51A teacher's salary. 30,000.
0:13:51 > 0:13:5530 grand. How did the news leak out that Wayne had had a weave?
0:13:55 > 0:13:58He tweeted on Twitter.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01He showed his bonce, his arse bonce, to the world.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04His bum-head was displayed.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09Indeed, he took a picture of the top of his head and put it on Twitter.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11There he is, old bottom-nut.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Not bad, but he was actually trying to take a picture
0:14:15 > 0:14:16of a dog having a shit.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19What, in his car?!
0:14:21 > 0:14:25And what did his message that accompanied the picture say?
0:14:25 > 0:14:28"My head feel great, but my ass hurt a little bit."
0:14:31 > 0:14:33APPLAUSE
0:14:33 > 0:14:35I wish it had. It said -
0:14:38 > 0:14:42Would you like to see what Wayne's head has looked like over the years?
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Er, I think, on balance, probably yes.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47REG: He don't need no hair there.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Oh, he needs hair there.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Yeah, boy.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Oh, it's coming back.
0:14:53 > 0:14:54He needs some help.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01That's an aerial shot, right?
0:15:03 > 0:15:06How would you describe Wayne's old hairstyle?
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Defunct? Gone?
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Technically it's known as a widow's peak which usually,
0:15:12 > 0:15:13for Wayne, is around 75.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20- Who encouraged Wayne to start using Twitter?- Ryan Giggs!
0:15:24 > 0:15:26It must be!
0:15:28 > 0:15:30You got to give us two for that one, baby.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34- It don't matter if it ain't true! - Rio Ferdinand.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36It was Rio Ferdinand.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40who actually recently came top of a survey to find the footballer
0:15:40 > 0:15:42with the poorest vocabulary on Twitter.
0:15:42 > 0:15:48What are the major commercial ramifications of Wayne's big decision?
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- He's endorsed the person who does it.- No.
0:15:51 > 0:15:56His avatar on the brand new FIFA 12 football game will need to be altered,
0:15:56 > 0:15:58as it features his old widow's peak.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02I think if you look closer, in the background of that picture
0:16:02 > 0:16:05you can just make out Ryan Giggs shagging his sister-in-law.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07LAUGHTER
0:16:07 > 0:16:11Which great big hairy thing gave up the ghost this week?
0:16:11 > 0:16:15- Shrek. Shrek the sheep.- Well done.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17- In New Zealand.- That's right.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20He's been living on a ledge, very high up,
0:16:20 > 0:16:23escaping the shearer for...decades.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- He ran away in 1998...- Wow.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28..and didn't come back for seven years,
0:16:28 > 0:16:30by which time he looked like this...
0:16:38 > 0:16:40JOANNA: Wayne Rooney!
0:16:42 > 0:16:44That shot would be funnier if you reversed the image,
0:16:44 > 0:16:47if you started out there and went in, that would be funnier.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48REGINALD: This just in...
0:16:50 > 0:16:52LAUGHTER
0:16:58 > 0:16:59There we go.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02This is Wayne Rooney, who this week, admitted to having a hair transplant.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05If you don't want to see the result, look away now.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09The Express explained the transplant technique, saying...
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Though in Wayne's case, they were taken from his palms.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17LAUGHTER
0:17:17 > 0:17:22Rooney's earned the ridicule of his Manchester United team-mates this week,
0:17:22 > 0:17:25after a humiliating photograph appeared in the tabloids
0:17:25 > 0:17:26of him on holiday...
0:17:26 > 0:17:27with his wife.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31LAUGHTER
0:17:33 > 0:17:35And so, to round two,
0:17:35 > 0:17:37the Strengthometer of news.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41Fingers on buzzers, ready? Here's the first one
0:17:45 > 0:17:49This is Prince Philip, obviously his 90th birthday coming up
0:17:49 > 0:17:50and there he is, um...
0:17:50 > 0:17:54- REGINALD: Describing the first time he met a black dude.- Yeah.
0:17:54 > 0:18:00Indeed. Now, Philip's birthday was obviously an opportunity for the papers to look back over his life,
0:18:00 > 0:18:03shall we have a Philip's Facts And Foul-Ups quiz?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Oh... Yes, yes!
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Yeah, great, fantastic(!) Woo(!)
0:18:07 > 0:18:10It's like you can read our souls.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13"Arseholes", Reg.
0:18:13 > 0:18:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:18 > 0:18:21How did Philip describe China to his hosts while on a tour of the country?
0:18:21 > 0:18:23BUZZER JOANNA: Ghastly.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Correct. Well done.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29APPLAUSE
0:18:29 > 0:18:32And what did he say to the MP for Stoke-on-Trent
0:18:32 > 0:18:33whilst on a tour of the city?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35He told her it was...
0:18:35 > 0:18:37- BUZZER - Ghastly.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39He did.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:43 > 0:18:45What did he ask Lord Taylor of Warwick,
0:18:45 > 0:18:48whose parents happen to be Jamaican. He asked...
0:18:48 > 0:18:52Can you say a sentence with "ghastly" in it?
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- Where do you come from? - Yes, that's almost right. He said...
0:18:59 > 0:19:01To which Lord Taylor replied...
0:19:05 > 0:19:09- And now, oddly, Lord Taylor's at Her Majesty's pleasure.- He is indeed.
0:19:09 > 0:19:10- You visited him?- Yeah.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13I visited quite a lot of prison. Erm...
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Last time I went to Wormwood Scrubs,
0:19:15 > 0:19:18erm, I was having lunch there
0:19:18 > 0:19:20and one of the old lags said to me,
0:19:20 > 0:19:24"Prison nowadays, I mean it's so soft, it's not a deterrent.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28"When I started, THEN it was a real deterrent."
0:19:32 > 0:19:33True story.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35APPLAUSE
0:19:37 > 0:19:39On meeting the President of Nigeria,
0:19:39 > 0:19:41who was dressed in traditional robes,
0:19:41 > 0:19:43- BUZZER - what compliment did the Duke pay him?
0:19:43 > 0:19:44Are you a woman?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Sadly not.
0:19:46 > 0:19:47- BUZZER - No!
0:19:47 > 0:19:51- Are you just about to go to bed? Are you wearing your pyjamas.. - He did, he said...
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Compliment from the Duke!
0:20:00 > 0:20:04What did Philip say to the Queen following the Coronation...?
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- BUZZER - Where did you get that hat?- Yes!
0:20:11 > 0:20:13One I remembered.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18What a lot of people don't know is what he said next.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20It is ghastly!
0:20:22 > 0:20:25In other Royal news, what was Camilla up to this week?
0:20:25 > 0:20:27BELL
0:20:27 > 0:20:28Ian?
0:20:28 > 0:20:30I don't know.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33She was actually meeting another Camilla.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36REPORTER: And then Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall,
0:20:36 > 0:20:38met Camilla, the dog.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Very nice to meet you.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44I said, "We named her after you,
0:20:44 > 0:20:46"because it's such a beautiful name."
0:20:46 > 0:20:49"She said, "Oh, thank you." She was overwhelmed, I think.
0:20:53 > 0:20:58This week was Prince Philip's 90th birthday.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02According to the Express, Prince Philip speaks fluent German and French.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03And Chinese.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Well, he can do the eyes.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Now, here we go again.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11How many different ways are there of doing this?
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Fingers on buzzers.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17BUZZER
0:21:17 > 0:21:20That's Naomi Campbell, and she's been in the news...
0:21:20 > 0:21:24Cadbury's chocolate put up an advert for some sort of chocolate bar
0:21:24 > 0:21:30that said, "Move over, Naomi, there's another diva in town",
0:21:30 > 0:21:31something like that was the slogan,
0:21:31 > 0:21:33and this was taken as a racial insult
0:21:33 > 0:21:37because some black people feel to be associated with chocolate
0:21:37 > 0:21:38is a reference to their skin.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42This is the second or third time Cadbury's have done this in the last two or three years,
0:21:42 > 0:21:46so it's either they are completely ignorant of what they're doing
0:21:46 > 0:21:49or they bring this story up once in a while so people can mention Cadbury's on TV.
0:21:49 > 0:21:54When you look at the things that black people have been called over the decades,
0:21:54 > 0:21:58how you gon' get mad about being called chocolate?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01I mean, you like chocolate when black people ain't involved.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04You chew chocolate, you suck on it and you think it's good.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07And then, you know... It's kind of a compliment, really.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10It'd be different if there was, like, a poo,
0:22:10 > 0:22:12and then they say...
0:22:12 > 0:22:15"Move over, black people". Now, that's offensive.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17But it was a piece of chocolate.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20I'm not saying it's not a problem.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24I'm just saying, we've got bigger ones if it is.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25Klu Klux Klan rather than Kit Kat.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30LAUGHTER
0:22:32 > 0:22:35If I run for Prime Minister, I want you to head my campaign.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37I would consider it an honour.
0:22:39 > 0:22:44I can see a poster with my face and the words, "Why not?"
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Cadbury claimed the campaign was...
0:22:52 > 0:22:55The social pretensions?
0:22:55 > 0:22:58- I was at a party...- Yeah?- ..when one of them Cadbury things was there,
0:22:58 > 0:23:00and it was up its own ass!
0:23:02 > 0:23:09According to the Times, Cadbury claimed the advert...
0:23:09 > 0:23:10Convinced by that, Reg?
0:23:10 > 0:23:15Yeah, I'm...I'm sure when I go back and sit with the black committee
0:23:15 > 0:23:16they will be satisfied.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:19 > 0:23:22I've never heard of a Bliss bar. Have you? Anybody?
0:23:22 > 0:23:27- Are they new?- Ah, you may have hit on the very reason why we're hearing this story.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31Apparently when you eat it, it tastes so good, you go, "Mmm!
0:23:31 > 0:23:34"Black people!"
0:23:36 > 0:23:38OK...
0:23:38 > 0:23:42The ad features a chocolate bar lying on a bed of diamonds.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Clearly even a year on, Naomi's a bit sensitive
0:23:44 > 0:23:48about anything that refers to diamonds and lying.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52The advert made Naomi Campbell furious,
0:23:52 > 0:23:54but to be fair, she gets furious
0:23:54 > 0:23:59when she doesn't have water from a glacial stream in the Andes pipetted into her mouth
0:23:59 > 0:24:00by a Norwegian midget.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Time now for the missing words round,
0:24:03 > 0:24:05which this week features as its guest publication
0:24:05 > 0:24:09Epitaphs, the magazine for and by cemetery lovers.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12And we'll start with...
0:24:17 > 0:24:18Start a fire.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21- REGINALD: Have sex. - Have sex?
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Bob and Rusty?
0:24:22 > 0:24:26Is it, steal bodies and sell them for medical research?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29No, even though they are.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32No, the answer is...
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Talking about their local graveyard, Rusty says...
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Sadly, the only unmarked grave in the cemetery!
0:24:44 > 0:24:47And the next one...
0:24:47 > 0:24:49That's not Saturn out the window,
0:24:49 > 0:24:52it's a reflection of a ping-pong ball on top of the wardrobe.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55REG: That's not cemetery etiquette,
0:24:55 > 0:24:58it's ghastly!
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Yeah, absolutely.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Well, it's...
0:25:05 > 0:25:10MI6 hacked into an al-Qaeda website and replaced instructions on how to make a bomb
0:25:10 > 0:25:12with a recipe for cupcakes.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15That's not a bomb, that's a cupcake -
0:25:15 > 0:25:20probably Mr Kipling's least successful advertising campaign. Next.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Greek, isn't it? Taphophiles - people who love graves. Grave-lovers.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Yes, you are along the right lines.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33And they ARE people who like graves.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36- Um...- I didn't know rabbits could do maths!
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Have you ever heard of rabbits doing maths?
0:25:41 > 0:25:46This is an article about the kind of people who like wandering around cemeteries,
0:25:46 > 0:25:48and who are also known as...
0:25:48 > 0:25:52..who share their name with one of Ann Summers' less marketable products.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Next.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Um...rare.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Herr Ha-ha.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06I think, Ian, you're near enough to it.
0:26:06 > 0:26:11There's some survey that said that ranking countries by how funny they are, the Germans came bottom.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15That's the right answer - there isn't one, apparently!
0:26:15 > 0:26:19But it was voted for largely by countries who the Germans had invaded at some stage.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23The Germans are not a funny race. "Knock, knock." "Who's there?"
0:26:23 > 0:26:25"The Gestapo." That's it.
0:26:27 > 0:26:33We're going to have the German Ambassador complaining to this programme again.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Has he complained before?
0:26:35 > 0:26:39He has complained repeatedly about how this panel is stuck in the Second World War.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43It's our only reference, it's the only thing we ever think about German.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45"It's the Gestapo AGAIN."
0:26:45 > 0:26:47No sense of humour, you see.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55- MOCK GERMAN ACCENT:- For you, Ambassador, the joke is over.
0:27:01 > 0:27:02So, the final scores -
0:27:02 > 0:27:05we've got to that point - are
0:27:05 > 0:27:09Ian and Jo 4, and Paul and Reg... Ooh, they've run away with it,
0:27:09 > 0:27:12- and have 7.- Well done!
0:27:17 > 0:27:22On which note, we say thank you to our panellists Ian Hislop and Joanna Scanlan,
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Paul Merton and Reginald D Hunter,
0:27:25 > 0:27:29and I leave you with the news that there are suspicions that Government cutbacks
0:27:29 > 0:27:34are affecting the Metropolitan Police's Rapid Response Unit...
0:27:36 > 0:27:41At his 90th birthday party, Prince Philip asked the Bishop of Durham, "Did you spill my pint?"
0:27:46 > 0:27:50And Disney admits it was a mistake to hire Quentin Tarantino
0:27:50 > 0:27:53to direct the new Winnie The Pooh movie...
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Good night!
0:28:26 > 0:28:30Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:30 > 0:28:34E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk