:00:45. > :00:49.APPLAUSE AND CHEERING. Good evening, welcome to Have I Got
:00:49. > :00:52.News For You, I am Martin Clunes. In the news this week, at
:00:52. > :00:55.rehearsals for the London 2012 opening ceremony organisers admit
:00:55. > :01:03.it was a mistake to let Boris Johnson have first go at running
:01:03. > :01:06.with the torch. At Covent Garden a reporter
:01:06. > :01:16.announces that celebrities who will be turning on this year's Christmas
:01:16. > :01:16.
:01:16. > :01:26.lights will be Jedward. In Dublin, there's delight at the
:01:26. > :01:32.news that the EU has finally outlawed national stereotyping.
:01:32. > :01:36.And in Wigan a councillor announces the anti-litter scheme has been a
:01:36. > :01:45.total success. It does take a long time to make change, even with the
:01:45. > :01:48.best will in the world. With Ian is an actress who roepbtly
:01:48. > :01:53.said British comedy is still patronising and sexist and women
:01:53. > :01:58.can't be trusted to be funny. Listen, love, all you need there is
:01:58. > :02:06.a punchline, all right. Please welcome the gorgeous Rebecca Front.
:02:06. > :02:14.APPLAUSE. And with Paul is a standup comedian
:02:14. > :02:18.who in 2008 received �8,000 for winning the Intelligent Financial
:02:18. > :02:22.Comedy award and invested the lot in Greek bonds. Please welcome
:02:22. > :02:26.David O'Doherty. APPLAUSE.
:02:26. > :02:30.And we start with The Biggest stories of the week. Paul and David,
:02:31. > :02:35.take a look at this. This is North Korea, obviously. This is the
:02:35. > :02:43.leader there - that was an airtight box, he was all right before they
:02:43. > :02:49.put him in there. Kim Jong, very ill. That's his son who parts his
:02:49. > :02:55.way in an extraordinary way, which bodes ill for the people. Old bloke
:02:55. > :03:01.is dead and new has come in. Where did those glasses come from?! I
:03:01. > :03:06.didn't know it was fancy dress. The women that were weeping at the
:03:06. > :03:09.escalater was amusing. He travelled on an escalater, one of his last
:03:09. > :03:13.public appearances, they're now weeping and treating the escalater
:03:13. > :03:23.as a shrine, moving shrine literally. Would you like to see
:03:23. > :03:24.
:03:24. > :03:28.the last photograph taken of him. Yes, please. There he is. The
:03:28. > :03:32.escalater has become a shrine. There is people surrounding the
:03:32. > :03:36.escalater. Maybe they're worried the he is Slater has broken down --
:03:36. > :03:41.escalater has broken down. If you are not seen to be crying you get
:03:41. > :03:47.killed, which is... Cry about, I believe. Very much the way I bring
:03:47. > :03:54.up my children. Indeed. I am fascinated by Kim Jong Un. Is he
:03:54. > :04:00.the new one? Yeah, because you know, he is portly. I am a little despot,
:04:00. > :04:06.short and stout. If the rest of the population is starving, he isn't.
:04:06. > :04:10.He is known as The Dear Leader. He accumulated a number of other names,
:04:10. > :04:15.do you remember any? O. His father was The Eternal President, even
:04:15. > :04:19.after he was dead he was still President. Was he? I think he still
:04:19. > :04:26.is, I may have got that wrong. That's eternity for you. Keeps on
:04:26. > :04:35.coming. He was also known as The Glorious General who Descended from
:04:35. > :04:38.Heaven, amazing politician. And: According to official state version
:04:38. > :04:45.of events what happened around the time of his birth? There was a star
:04:45. > :04:50.in the east. Pretty much. It was foretold by a swallow, unusual.
:04:50. > :04:55.swallow? Yes, nothing to do with the conception.
:04:55. > :04:58.And a - shutup! Come on, it's Christmas. A double rainbow and a
:04:58. > :05:04.new star appeared pwofr the mountain-top where he was born.
:05:04. > :05:07.That's nice. Certainly one star though, three stars would have been
:05:08. > :05:17.better. Five stars the best. Which food did he claim to have invented
:05:18. > :05:24.
:05:24. > :05:30.in 2000? The banana. The kumquat? The Gogigyeopbbang. It means two
:05:30. > :05:36.breads with meat, or as we would call it, a hamburger. He kidnapped
:05:36. > :05:44.a film-maker and made him make films for him. When they first met
:05:44. > :05:48.he said: Do you know what according to the
:05:48. > :05:55.official North Korean website what he never ever did? Never did
:05:55. > :06:01.anything bad, ever. He never defecated or urinated. That would
:06:01. > :06:07.explain the size of his son, anyway. On the subject of tyrants which
:06:07. > :06:14.despot launched his fashion label this week. Robert Mugabe? Yes!
:06:14. > :06:17.it right! Dear me! A range of t- shirts, jackets and caps bearing
:06:17. > :06:22.his signature under the slogan style, comfort and a splash of
:06:22. > :06:27.attitude. Misprint for blood. week when North Korea dominated the
:06:27. > :06:30.pages we shouldn't forget that Vaclav Havel sadly died, former
:06:30. > :06:35.President of the Czech Republic. The world's media were quick to pay
:06:35. > :06:39.tribute. See if you can spot these sublime message in John Simpson's
:06:39. > :06:43.report here. There was nothing grand about him. He felt completely
:06:43. > :06:48.out of place with all the pomp and ceremony. He didn't even like
:06:48. > :06:58.wearing a suit. In terms of intellect he was way ahead of most
:06:58. > :07:01.other political leaders. Yes, this is the death of Kim Jong
:07:01. > :07:06.Il. In his first game of golf he claimed to have to have completed
:07:06. > :07:11.the first first course in 38 under par, breaking Tiger Woods record of
:07:11. > :07:16.being the biggest liar ever to set foot on a golf course. Kim Jong
:07:16. > :07:23.Il's death was particularly bad news for Bono who is now the
:07:23. > :07:28.world's only short-oarsed megalomaniac who wears glasses all
:07:28. > :07:31.the time. There are fear his death will leave North Korea with a power
:07:31. > :07:36.vacuum, which if true could be the only electrical appliance in the
:07:36. > :07:40.whole country. Ian and Rebecca, look at this. Oh, that's people
:07:40. > :07:47.having cosy lunch with each other. It's the rich what gets the
:07:47. > :07:52.pleasure and the poor what gets the blame. Goldman Sachs, the vampire
:07:52. > :07:58.squids. Good, we can read! It's about these, are they sweetheart
:07:58. > :08:05.deals? You take the tax person, Dave Hartnett or similar, out to
:08:05. > :08:08.lunch. But hostly him. -- mostly him. Take him out to lunch if you
:08:08. > :08:12.can't pay tax and let's face it, times are tough, you take him out
:08:12. > :08:17.for lunch andlets fine and -- out for lunch and actually you can
:08:17. > :08:21.probably write most of that off. don't want to crow, but this is a
:08:21. > :08:28.Private Eye story which after a year has come good. Thank you very
:08:28. > :08:31.much. APPLAUSE. We are all in it together, except the very large
:08:31. > :08:35.companies who don't seem to have to pay tax bills. You take out the
:08:35. > :08:41.head of the revenue for lunch and you get a special deal. Vodafone, I
:08:41. > :08:44.mean, owe about �6 billion. Goldman Sachs, one of the great financial
:08:44. > :08:47.institutions in the world, they owed a tax bill and took him out to
:08:47. > :08:50.lunch and he said, well you don't have to pay interest on this and
:08:50. > :08:53.don't have to pay the bill for years. It's essentially big
:08:53. > :08:57.companies get away with a sweetheart deal. Everyone else has
:08:57. > :09:02.to pay up. When we are talking about a hole in the budget of �12
:09:02. > :09:06.billion, �6 billion is quite a lot. The overall shortfall they think is
:09:06. > :09:11.about �25 billion. �25 billion in uncollected tax. We are laughing
:09:11. > :09:20.then, aren't we, surely we get that back and we are all right? Yeah, we
:09:20. > :09:22.lend it to Greece. Ireland, please. APPLAUSE. That's the deal and the
:09:22. > :09:24.Public Accounts Committee finally looked into it after about a year
:09:25. > :09:33.and a half of everyone going perhaps you should have a look and
:09:33. > :09:38.those protesters there, they occupied fort fort - fortmuns, you
:09:38. > :09:43.couldn't buy a hamper, it was a nightmare. He had 107 dinners with
:09:43. > :09:48.companies and tax lawyers over two years. HMRC spokesman said in many
:09:48. > :09:54.cases when HMRC has looked at the full facts it becomes clear that
:09:54. > :09:58.there is no (slurring) no liability... But meanwhile, if you
:09:58. > :10:01.noticed how the Lib Dems have been flexing their muscles in the news.
:10:01. > :10:11.Nick Clegg has been rude about the Prime Minister. He said Cameron's
:10:11. > :10:17.
:10:17. > :10:22.view of the family is stuck in the Presumably he means this sort of
:10:22. > :10:26.thing. Nick Clegg thinks we should be open to unconventional families
:10:26. > :10:32.like this one. Photos like that often accompanied
:10:32. > :10:38.by words before turning the gun on himself.
:10:38. > :10:42.What's the problem with Ed Miliband according to Peter Mandelson?
:10:42. > :10:47.many jokes, although I hadn't noticed myself. Too much of the
:10:47. > :10:52.light-hearted approach, I think. You missed a joke! He was in
:10:52. > :11:01.parliament and he said Clegg and Cameron, you two - I have to get
:11:01. > :11:08.this right now. He said, you two are like a married couple. What a
:11:08. > :11:11.messer! I didn't realise he had such good material. On the subject
:11:11. > :11:16.of traditional enemies what have the French been saying about us?
:11:16. > :11:23.They said our economy is worse than theirs. Rude. Britain should be
:11:23. > :11:33.downgraded from triple A to whatever the smaller batteries are.
:11:33. > :11:40.
:11:40. > :11:43.Fantastically rude all round round. Oh! The papers were quick to rush
:11:44. > :11:47.out a list of insults the French have throne at us over the years.
:11:47. > :11:57.Any idea what the French Prime Minister said about the English in
:11:57. > :12:03.
:12:03. > :12:09.1991? Frankly, no. She said: That's not an insult, that's fine.
:12:09. > :12:12.That's an underestimate. But it's a jolly good thing. I spend half my
:12:12. > :12:17.life saying to my children that's a good thing when the word gay comes
:12:17. > :12:27.up. And that's a good thing. There we are, it's a good thing. Good old
:12:27. > :12:28.
:12:28. > :12:33.Edith. Cresson - like croissant! That's a good thing. That is the
:12:33. > :12:37.heartwarming Christmas news that the cinch has avoided paying �25
:12:37. > :12:40.billion in tax and an HMRC spokesman rejected the report
:12:40. > :12:45.saying it was based on partial information, inaccurate opinion and
:12:45. > :12:49.some misunderstag of facts. A bit like my tax return. Meanwhile,
:12:50. > :12:54.the fallout from David Cameron's European veto continued. The main
:12:54. > :12:57.stumbling block remains Cameron's desire to protect the City from the
:12:57. > :13:06.financial transaction tax. Surely the compromise would be to
:13:06. > :13:15.introduce it and then ask the HMRC to collect it. So, to round two.
:13:15. > :13:20.Fingers on buzzers. The first one. Cutbacks, it's Snow White and the
:13:20. > :13:27.Five Dwarfs. I think I read this. That's That's cheating. People have
:13:27. > :13:31.been taking the parts of dwarfs in pantos. Is that right? Yes, they've
:13:31. > :13:35.replaced them with child actors because they spent all the money on
:13:36. > :13:43.special effects. I don't know why that makes me laugh. A spokesman
:13:43. > :13:52.explained: The children have to put on dwarf
:13:52. > :14:00.masks, don't they they. Their lines are pre-ordered by adult actors and
:14:00. > :14:10.put on a loop. What could possibly go wrong? Peter Bur rows who runs a
:14:10. > :14:16.
:14:16. > :14:21.On the subject of pantos stars, why have the Krankies been cause ago
:14:21. > :14:27.stir this week? They were swingers. No, no, no! That's what someone
:14:28. > :14:32.said on the night. The Sun was quick to react to the public's
:14:32. > :14:39.thirst for more information. Do you know what they did? They didn't
:14:39. > :14:44.hack a phone, did they? They put out an appeal.
:14:44. > :14:50.According to The Mail Janet had an affair with a circus leopard tamer,
:14:50. > :15:00.while Ian carried on with the act's glamorous assistant. Any ideas how
:15:00. > :15:08.
:15:08. > :15:14.they could tell this had happened? Talking of celebrities and their
:15:14. > :15:17.private lives this is probably the moment to pay a weekly visit to The
:15:18. > :15:23.Leveson inquiry, this week's big gun was Piers Morgan. Here he is
:15:23. > :15:29.looking serious on The Independent. Another photo just above him
:15:29. > :15:33.looking like he is enjoying it. Do you know what he admitted to?
:15:33. > :15:36.didn't watch it, no interest to me being sliced up by a QC in front of
:15:36. > :15:46.millions of people. The fact he made a fool of himself, I am not
:15:46. > :15:54.
:15:54. > :15:56.going to watch that! All of it. On He admitted to having heard a
:15:56. > :16:00.voicemail message from Paul McCartney, but he refused to say
:16:00. > :16:05.Shiplake it to him or that listening to the message was
:16:05. > :16:12.unethical. He we showed things he said before and he is denying them
:16:12. > :16:17.now. I am not saying he made a fool of himself, but he did. Are you
:16:17. > :16:21.surprised he had no knowledge of any telephone hacking? It is
:16:21. > :16:26.extraordinary he did what we call the full Murdoch. He could not
:16:26. > :16:30.remember anything. Let's take a look at him on this programme in
:16:30. > :16:38.May 1996 discussing the use of photographers with Clive Anderson.
:16:38. > :16:48.You must have covered that, page 5 story. What do you know about
:16:48. > :16:50.
:16:50. > :16:55.newspapers? About as much as you do. About as much as you did. The mayor
:16:55. > :17:00.is almost as good as the sun. The last time I was rude to you, you
:17:00. > :17:10.said a photographer to my door the next day. You will not see them the
:17:10. > :17:13.
:17:13. > :17:18.next time. He is charming. It is quite chilling. Which one was me?
:17:18. > :17:22.Funny how you forget things. This is the pantomime in which has
:17:22. > :17:31.disappointed the residents of Wolverhampton, which takes some of
:17:31. > :17:37.doing. The Krankies reveal their swaying past. The Sun said: And
:17:37. > :17:41.gave them a phone number to call, not the news desk, a helpline. The
:17:41. > :17:49.Leveson inquiry heard from Piers Morgan who said he heard a voice
:17:49. > :17:54.mail. To which presumably she responded by bringing his answer
:17:54. > :18:04.machine and singing the dire straits classic money for nothing.
:18:04. > :18:04.
:18:04. > :18:08.Fingers on buzzers. Not only has Francis Bacon written all
:18:08. > :18:15.Shakespeare plays, but he has also played left back for England. No
:18:15. > :18:22.idea. Football was so dangers in Tudor times it had to be banned.
:18:22. > :18:27.that news? It is about 400 years old. It has just emerged, it is
:18:27. > :18:37.breaking. Do you know how many people died in England playing
:18:37. > :18:41.
:18:41. > :18:47.football? A 804. A bit lower. VOICE, 804. 7th. I can take
:18:47. > :18:51.directions. They just emerged from the Black Death when a third of
:18:51. > :18:56.Europe died and they were worried about football. That is when an
:18:56. > :19:06.away leg was not an away leg and you had to go to Europe. Political
:19:06. > :19:17.
:19:17. > :19:21.It led to the well-known phrase, but he never touched him, rev. What
:19:21. > :19:31.is the third place in the list of the most dangerous Judah activities.
:19:31. > :19:34.
:19:34. > :19:40.Marrying Henry VIII. John Langbern had a particular event full game in
:19:40. > :19:44.1523. Do you remember him? Yes. stance were not quite long enough
:19:44. > :19:54.and he ended up and broke a metatarsal and was therefore two
:19:54. > :20:11.
:20:11. > :20:14.They were dangerous times. Can anybody guess what happened to
:20:14. > :20:24.Alexander God be as he sat on a church wall watching archers
:20:24. > :20:41.
:20:41. > :20:48.shooting at targets next to the John gave up archery. I will leave
:20:48. > :20:52.that one. An Academy at Southampton University has uncovered evidence
:20:52. > :20:56.that Henry VIII was a keen footballer, very much the Ryan
:20:56. > :21:06.Giggs of his day in that he slept with his brother's white. It is the
:21:06. > :21:07.
:21:07. > :21:14.odd one out round. George Osborne. Littlewoods Christmas TV advert,
:21:14. > :21:22.Mario Balotelli and The Grinch. They also stole Christmas except
:21:22. > :21:27.one of them. Was there not a rumour of Balotelli giving away money.
:21:27. > :21:33.gives the money away to people in the street. Littlewoods got into
:21:33. > :21:38.trouble because they mentioned Santa does not exist. They all
:21:38. > :21:43.tried to ruin Christmas. Apart from Balotelli who tried to make
:21:43. > :21:50.everyone's Christmas. By giving away money. You are right, he was
:21:50. > :21:55.the odd one out. Mario Balotelli has been getting into the Christmas
:21:55. > :21:59.Bear by putting on a Santa hat and striding around Manchester handing
:21:59. > :22:09.out gifts and money at random. His boss is less than pleased with him,
:22:09. > :22:13.he may find him �150,000. Why? that is the other one. Are there
:22:13. > :22:17.only two footballers? I thought there were hundreds I had to learn.
:22:17. > :22:26.When did you start this process of learning about professional
:22:26. > :22:36.footballers? About 10 years ago and I got nose -- know where. He broke
:22:36. > :22:37.
:22:37. > :22:43.the 48 our pre-match curfew to go out for a curry. He is great.
:22:43. > :22:47.think he sounds terrific. He has had an eventful time here. Days
:22:47. > :22:57.after joining Manchester City in 2010, he crashed his car. When
:22:57. > :22:57.
:22:57. > :23:03.police asked him why he had �5,000 in his back pocket, he told them: A
:23:03. > :23:13.few weeks later while sidelined by a knee injury, Balotelli and his
:23:13. > :23:23.brother were questioned by the police. George Osborne did spoil
:23:23. > :23:31.
:23:31. > :23:35.Christmas. What happened? We do not have George Osborne in Ireland.
:23:35. > :23:45.George Osborne turned up and turned them on instead. Who else has
:23:45. > :23:48.
:23:48. > :23:54.ruined Christmas for someone? You will not know. Take us back to 1542.
:23:54. > :24:00.We were happier then when they would just two TV channels. It is
:24:00. > :24:05.this FedEx man dropping off a computer. They have all been
:24:05. > :24:10.accused of ruining Christmas apart from Mario Balotelli. He dished out
:24:10. > :24:15.handfuls of money to people in Manchester. It is the most cash
:24:15. > :24:20.given away in football circles since Qatar won the right to host
:24:20. > :24:24.the World Cup. It had been rumoured that Knutsford's Christmas lights
:24:24. > :24:27.were to be turned on by Harry from One Direction, but George Osborne
:24:27. > :24:32.turned up instead. It could be argued that George Osborne is a
:24:32. > :24:36.better person to turn on his constituents' likes, but it could
:24:36. > :24:43.also be argued that Harry from One Direction is a better choice to run
:24:43. > :24:53.the economy. This is this week's publications. It is the one part of
:24:53. > :24:56.
:24:56. > :25:05.the press that is proud to be in the gutter. Fear and loathing?
:25:05. > :25:14.Horoscope and B sample. No. 1 and No. 2. It might be. Shower and
:25:14. > :25:20.access to counselling. Welcoming guests to the buffet the organiser
:25:20. > :25:28.got things off to an unbiased -- an uncertain start informing people
:25:28. > :25:33.that there was no seeding, but they could help themselves to a stool.
:25:33. > :25:37.The penguins got jealous, it was throwing poo. They were jealous of
:25:37. > :25:46.all the attention the pandas were getting. They were not penguin
:25:46. > :25:51.droppings. Penguins are jealous of other monochrome animals. This is
:25:51. > :25:57.at Edinburgh Zoo whether penguins keep jumping onto a wall and
:25:57. > :26:05.pulling on their visitors below. It annoys the visitors and David
:26:05. > :26:11.Attenborough's film crew who were told they were in the Antarctic.
:26:11. > :26:16.Waste disposal unit two. An interesting film, but in the end it
:26:16. > :26:21.did not work. Is it a robot that goes inside sewage pipes? You would
:26:21. > :26:31.not get a robot to do that. They are very bright. They would only do
:26:31. > :26:33.
:26:33. > :26:43.it once. I would not go in there, it stinks. I know how it feels.
:26:43. > :26:53.has announced the location of the next exhibition in Birmingham. A
:26:53. > :27:00.
:27:00. > :27:06.Ian and Rebecca have eight and Paul and David have four. Before we go,
:27:06. > :27:10.there is just time for the caption competition. After criticism of
:27:10. > :27:15.Frozen Planet David Attenborough has the music for the new series
:27:15. > :27:25.recorded on location. One elephant is saying to the other, he is
:27:25. > :27:47.
:27:47. > :27:50.LAUGHTER. PAUL: What time did The Krankies get here? I leave you with
:27:50. > :27:55.news that in North Yorkshire there is a poor turnout for the cast
:27:55. > :27:58.reunion party for Last Of The Summer Wine.
:27:58. > :28:05.In central London after an alarmingly high reading one patient
:28:05. > :28:09.is advised to retake the test with a male nurse. In Kensington Park
:28:09. > :28:18.after a spate of dog fouling local residents are called in to identify
:28:18. > :28:23.whether it is their dogs that are responsible. And at the G20 summit
:28:23. > :28:30.in Washington the Obamas and President Medvedev welcomed