0:00:38 > 0:00:42Good evening, and welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jo Brand.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45- I'm Alan Johnson.- I'm Stephen Mangan.- I'm David Mitchell.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48- I'm Miranda Hart.- I'm Bill Bailey.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50In the news this week, in Clydebank,
0:00:50 > 0:00:54there's a slightly embarrassing BBC report on the Navy submarine with only one toilet...
0:01:02 > 0:01:06In Soho, an enthusiastic trainee cameraman begins work
0:01:06 > 0:01:08on the set of Lesbian Nurses 3.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17In Westminster, David Cameron goes through the usual routine
0:01:17 > 0:01:21after shaking hands with some working class people.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27And after his BBC salary is cut, Jeremy Paxman has no option
0:01:27 > 0:01:31but to take a second job on the QVC shopping channel.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Time to get yourself a nice warm woolly this autumn.
0:01:35 > 0:01:41It's available through any of the 300 high-street branches of Edinburgh Woollen Mill.
0:01:42 > 0:01:47- Paul and Russ, take a look at this. - Ah, right.- This is Miss BNP.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55I don't think he's a real policeman.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57We do these things so much better, don't we?
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Weddings. Somebody said they employed lip readers to see what they said.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04She said "I do," at one point, he said "I do," at another.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08Apparently Prince Charles, turned to Camilla, and through this lip reader, he said -
0:02:08 > 0:02:10INCOHERENT MUMBLING
0:02:12 > 0:02:14What nugget did David Cameron share with Nick Clegg?
0:02:14 > 0:02:16I've never liked you.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21- I want a divorce. - Yeah. He revealed...
0:02:24 > 0:02:28Let's be honest, she's a good-looking girl, but there's no need for that.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34That's not seemly. That is just disrespectful.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38Oi, use the hymn book, use the hymn book.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45What's going to happen at Buckingham Palace at precisely 12:3Oam?
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- They're turning the lights off. - Absolutely.
0:02:47 > 0:02:53All the foreign crews are furious, because their audiences will have just woken up.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57So, when the American broadcasters want to stand outside
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Buckingham Palace, and say "Here I am, live," it's going to be completely dark.
0:03:01 > 0:03:02How selfish of us!
0:03:02 > 0:03:06Why couldn't we time the wedding to be in the middle of the night here?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08And then the Americans could watch!
0:03:08 > 0:03:13I hope there are ad breaks, so that NBC can shove in an advert for,
0:03:13 > 0:03:16what is it, nachos, they have?!
0:03:23 > 0:03:25According to the Telegraph,
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Kate has invited her very first boyfriend, Willem Marx.
0:03:28 > 0:03:33I like Williams that are too posh to bother with the "e" bit. "Willem."
0:03:34 > 0:03:36"What's your name?"
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Is it Bill, Will, William, Willem, murrrr?
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Yeah.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Yes, this was the fairytale royal wedding.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48It was covered by the world's media, including the German newspaper Bild, which lamented:
0:03:54 > 0:03:55David Beckham wore his OBE,
0:03:55 > 0:03:58but breached etiquette by wearing it on the wrong side,
0:03:58 > 0:04:02but to be fair it was on the correct side when he checked in the mirror.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09This is obviously the News International story, the phone hacking, Hugh Grant.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13There is the editor of the News of the World doing some research.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16They been phone hacking people for years, and said they weren't.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18They said it was the result of a "lone hacker".
0:04:18 > 0:04:22The editor the News Of The World at the time said he had no idea it was going on.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Why would he? He's editing the paper.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29I can tell you I have no idea what happens at all at Private Eye.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- No idea.- That is self-evident.- Yes!
0:04:34 > 0:04:38Who's good name has Hugh Grant dragged into this enquiry?
0:04:38 > 0:04:42He made the scurrilous assertion that the Daily Mail might have,
0:04:42 > 0:04:45in some way, been involved in phone hacking,
0:04:45 > 0:04:47which they refute entirely, I understand.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50The Daily Mail utterly refute this.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54The Daily Mail does not want to be associated with phone hacking.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57The last thing the Daily Mail wants
0:04:57 > 0:05:00is for its name to appear in the same headline
0:05:00 > 0:05:02as a phone hacking scandal.
0:05:02 > 0:05:07- Has that cleared that up? - Dirty Dan's Downton Scandal.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Did anyone read anything about other cast members
0:05:11 > 0:05:14in the phone hacking scandal this week?
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Rebekah Wade, the former editor
0:05:17 > 0:05:20of the News of the World and the Sun, is having a baby,
0:05:20 > 0:05:22but it's through a surrogate,
0:05:22 > 0:05:25and she's asked for privacy.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28That is correct. She is expecting a baby via a surrogate mother.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Or as the Sun might have put it:
0:05:35 > 0:05:39The News of the World may be dead, but it's wretched ghost continues to haunt.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42The News of the World paid a private investigator to carry out
0:05:42 > 0:05:44surveillance on the hacking victims' lawyer, Mark Lewis,
0:05:44 > 0:05:47which involved following the ex-wife of Mr Lewis
0:05:47 > 0:05:50and his teenage daughter as they visited a branch of Tesco.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Well, if you're looking to intimidate someone,
0:05:53 > 0:05:54every little helps.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01This is Wayne Rooney, who, this week, has had a hair transplant.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Do you know how the operation actually works?
0:06:04 > 0:06:07The find the hairs on his arse and pull them all the way through.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11I knew it. I knew it.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Apparently, they dig out the hair follicles from a place
0:06:16 > 0:06:22- on his body where the hair's still growing and stick them on his head. - Exactly.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25How did the news leak out that Wayne had had a weave?
0:06:25 > 0:06:31He tweeted on Twitter. He showed his bonce, his arse bonce to the world.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34His bum head was displayed.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36There, old bottom nut.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40What did his message that accompanied the picture say?
0:06:40 > 0:06:43My head feels great but my ass hurts a little bit.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50How would you describe Wayne's old hairstyle?
0:06:50 > 0:06:54- Defunct? Gone?- Technically, it's known as a widow's peak,
0:06:54 > 0:06:57which, for Wayne, is usually around 75.
0:06:57 > 0:07:04His avatar on the brand new Fifa '12 game will need to be altered
0:07:04 > 0:07:07as it features his old widow's peak.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10I think, if you look at the background of that photo,
0:07:10 > 0:07:13you can make out Ryan Giggs shagging his sister-in-law.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19Rooney's the ridicule of his Manchester United team-mates
0:07:19 > 0:07:24this week after a humiliating photograph appeared in the tabloids of him on holiday -
0:07:24 > 0:07:25with his wife.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34As an elderly gentleman sits down to watch his favourite TV programme,
0:07:34 > 0:07:37he begins to wonder what the terrible racket outside is.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47There's evidence that some people already have access
0:07:47 > 0:07:50to the gruesome photo of Osama Bin Laden's dead body.
0:07:58 > 0:08:03Yes, they got him. I expect that's the trouble over(!)
0:08:03 > 0:08:06That picture of them watching was weird, in the situation room, watching it on TV.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08It's a fascinating picture
0:08:08 > 0:08:11because you don't see what they're looking at.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Hillary Clinton looks so thoughtful. I like to think, if you look the other way,
0:08:15 > 0:08:18it would be Michelle showing them colour swatches...
0:08:18 > 0:08:22New evidence has emerged that US personnel practised for months
0:08:22 > 0:08:26on every aspect of the Osama operation including the burial at sea.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38So Gaddafi's dead, big comedy moment.
0:08:38 > 0:08:43That's Obama providing light sabres to the rebels.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47- Where was he found?- In a sewer.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51- A sewer pipe.- They're always found underground, never in the air.
0:08:51 > 0:08:56This is the thing. There must be something online called Tunnels For Tyrants.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00- TFT. - They learned the lesson this time.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02With Saddam, he was found and they had to put him on trial,
0:09:02 > 0:09:04but, luckily, this time, he was shot.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08So we didn't have to see the character witnesses
0:09:08 > 0:09:10turning out for Gaddafi.
0:09:10 > 0:09:11Tony Blair...
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Do you know what else they were doing in Sirte,
0:09:15 > 0:09:16by way of celebration?
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Were they dressing up as Gaddafi?
0:09:19 > 0:09:20Dangerous, I would have thought.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24- Too soon.- Apparently, the shops were thrown open
0:09:24 > 0:09:27so people could help themselves to whatever they fancied.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30A tradition started in Tottenham this summer.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34How has Obama described the US involvement in Libya?
0:09:34 > 0:09:37He's not involved, he's just gone over to complain about the noise.
0:09:37 > 0:09:43Yeah. He's described it as...and...
0:09:45 > 0:09:49And behind the scenes, he referred to the Libya situation as...
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Did they cut the crusts off. I don't like crusts.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Did anyone see Sarah Palin's reaction on Fox News?
0:10:00 > 0:10:01She came up with a new word for it.
0:10:01 > 0:10:06I haven't heard the president say we are at war and that's why I too
0:10:06 > 0:10:11am not knowing, do we use the term "intervention," do we use, "war,"
0:10:11 > 0:10:14do we use, "squirmish"? What is it?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22- 1st birthday. - That looks lovely, that cake.
0:10:22 > 0:10:27Look, it's all sad now, one year on. Aw!
0:10:27 > 0:10:29He's so lonely!
0:10:33 > 0:10:37It's coalition government. You share the responsibilities.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40The Conservatives do the winning and...
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Was anyone surprised by the AV vote?
0:10:47 > 0:10:51No. All the polls said it would go that way and it did.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55The AV campaign saw politicians from different parties teaming up,
0:10:55 > 0:10:58such as Ed Miliband and Vince Cable and David Cameron and John Reid
0:10:58 > 0:11:02in the semi-finals of bald old man and shiny, posh friend of the earth.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10Oh, yes. This is the travellers being run out of...
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Olympic Stadium's coming on well.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16That is the demolition of part of the Dale Farm travellers' site.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19It had been reported that several people have been Tasered.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23Many Essex residents thought this was a new beauty treatment.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27It's about 10 years this has been going on.
0:11:27 > 0:11:32They have spent 18 million quid on 40 families.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35It's the most staggering waste of time and effort.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38People said, "I can't believe this much money has been spent."
0:11:38 > 0:11:41At least turn it into some kind of show.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46The caravan being evicted this week will be...
0:11:48 > 0:11:52What's the other protest that's been going on peacefully?
0:11:52 > 0:11:57That's the protest outside St Paul's against the terrible world economy.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01They tweet about it on their iPhones in-between getting cafe lattes
0:12:01 > 0:12:03and housing themselves in some very fancy tents.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07They are against capitalism except for the lattes.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10So if they buy coffee, their opinions are worthless?
0:12:10 > 0:12:14If they prop up a corporate titan like Starbucks,
0:12:14 > 0:12:17they have to ask themselves how much of capitalism they really don't like.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20You can't negate them because they drink coffee.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23That's like saying to a condemned man, on the way to the gallows,
0:12:23 > 0:12:28when he's blubbing, "You ate your last meal, what's the matter?"
0:12:28 > 0:12:30You can't be against capitalism
0:12:30 > 0:12:34and then take everything that it provides.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36"Everything"?! A Cup of coffee?!
0:12:36 > 0:12:39One cup of coffee and they can't...
0:12:39 > 0:12:43Can't they be about... Sorry. No, no, no.
0:12:43 > 0:12:48It's just so obvious, I can't be bothered.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50What were you going to say?
0:12:50 > 0:12:54You don't have to want to return
0:12:54 > 0:12:58to a barter system in the Stone Age to complain about the way the financial crisis
0:12:58 > 0:13:01affected large numbers of people in the world, do you?
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Even if you're having a cup of coffee and you've got a tent.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07CHEERING
0:13:09 > 0:13:13The most violent protests saw young people go on the rampage in Italy.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16To be fair, if anyone's guilty of screwing the younger generation,
0:13:16 > 0:13:18it's Silvio Berlusconi.
0:13:24 > 0:13:29- Berlusconi obviously.- This is the passing of a comedy legend!
0:13:29 > 0:13:34He's not embarrassed by anything, that's his secret.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38That little dance he was doing, he was impersonating a disabled person.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41- Yep.- That's someone who's not easily embarrassed then.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46- It's his Ricky Gervais act. - In our country,
0:13:46 > 0:13:51we've taken the decision not to give Ricky Gervais much fiscal power.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Meanwhile, the German government has discovered it's going
0:13:54 > 0:13:57to get £14 billion more in tax this year than it expected
0:13:57 > 0:14:01and unemployment is at its lowest for 20 years...
0:14:01 > 0:14:03which is great news.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Good for them.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Lucky, lucky old Germans.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Couldn't have happened to a nicer country.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14APPLAUSE
0:14:14 > 0:14:20While Germany's having a nice time, Greece is still struggling.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24Jeremy Paxman upset the Greeks on Newsnight this week.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Anyone see this?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29It was a bit aggressive even by Paxo standards.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32He'd obviously had a dodgy kebab
0:14:32 > 0:14:37on the way in and he just went for the bloke.
0:14:37 > 0:14:38Here he is talking to a Greek man.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41It is not the fault of the rest of the European Union.
0:14:41 > 0:14:46It is the fault of the Greeks. Why is it the Greeks are so dishonest?
0:14:46 > 0:14:48GROANING
0:14:48 > 0:14:55The paradox is that, if they are so dishonest, he's not going to give an honest answer.
0:14:55 > 0:15:02- Shall we play name seven things the Greeks invented according to the Sun?- Yes. Let's.
0:15:02 > 0:15:07- Feta cheese.- No.- Democracy. - Democracy is one of them, yes.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- The Olympics.- Yes.- Nana Mouskouri.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12- Yes, but they didn't put that there. - Drama.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Yes, theatre is one of them. Mazes,
0:15:15 > 0:15:22the Olympics, democracy, theatre, geometry, lesbians...
0:15:28 > 0:15:29..and N-Dubz.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33There was quite a drop-off after they created democracy, wasn't there?
0:15:35 > 0:15:39Italy's current debt stands at...
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Still, could be worse. It could be in lire.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49And so to round 2, the cloche of news.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Carson the butler will lift the cloche revealing an item
0:15:52 > 0:15:54or items relating to a news story of the week.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00BUZZER
0:16:00 > 0:16:06Is this the film of the gentleman chasing his dog, Benton?
0:16:06 > 0:16:10A dog who was chasing deer and he was just screaming "Benton!"
0:16:10 > 0:16:13He's not come forward, but some youth, as they always do,
0:16:13 > 0:16:17was filming it on his mobile telephone device.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20It's got over a million hits on YouTube or something.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23- Is absolutely the right answer. - Is absolutely the right answer?!
0:16:23 > 0:16:26APPLAUSE
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Shall we have a look at internet sensation...
0:16:29 > 0:16:33If we don't, I'll fight anyone who says we can't.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Benton! Benton! Benton!
0:16:38 > 0:16:45Benton! Benton!
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Benton!
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Oh, Jesus Christ!
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Benton!
0:17:04 > 0:17:08- Following this, Benton went viral and both he and Jesus...- Why?!
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Why did people think that was entertaining?
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Totally out of focus camera shots, some deer in the background,
0:17:18 > 0:17:22some bloke shouting "Benton" and millions of people have watched it.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24I'm in the wrong business.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28Do we know what the latest controversy about Benton is?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30- He's a glove puppet. - His real name's Fenton.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Is absolutely right.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37No.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Does anyone know what the Sun's headline for the Benton story was?
0:17:40 > 0:17:45Humanity reaches the bottom of the barrel.
0:17:48 > 0:17:53We are all doomed. The last person to leave the planet, tell Fenton.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Human beings duped into watching crap on new invention.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07It was... The Sun ended its report...
0:18:07 > 0:18:09This gets worse and worse.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13Is there no piece of redeeming quality in this story anywhere?
0:18:13 > 0:18:18- No. - The Sun ended its report saying...
0:18:18 > 0:18:22And the good news is that they've tracked down Benton and his owner
0:18:22 > 0:18:24and the dog's been destroyed.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26I'm only joking, animal lovers.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28That was the best bit.
0:18:28 > 0:18:33The other animal news, you'll be pleased to hear, Paul...
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Can anyone tell me what Gavin, the world's most sarcastic gorilla,
0:18:36 > 0:18:38has been up to this week?
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Gavin lives at Jerusalem Zoo. According to the Metro...
0:18:59 > 0:19:04This is Benton the dog who became an internet hit after chasing deer in Richmond Park.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07The next time Benton's owner left the park, he took no chances.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09He left the dog at home and went on his bike.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Whoa!
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Now, that was worth seeing.
0:19:23 > 0:19:31The M1 was closed and a fella in a dressing gown did his ironing on it.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34There was a fire on the M1. I knew about it.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38As I was driving along, my sat nav melted.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41How did he explain his behaviour? What did he say?
0:19:41 > 0:19:44I've been under a lot of stress.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46I've got a pressing engagement.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58What did the Highways Agency have to say about the whole thing?
0:19:58 > 0:20:00If we'd had a gun, we would have shot him dead.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04How's that for irony?!
0:20:04 > 0:20:08Papers were quick to criticise slow-moving transport chiefs.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10What, in particular, did they pick up on?
0:20:10 > 0:20:13There was a fire under the bridge and, as far as I know,
0:20:13 > 0:20:14most of the M1 is still closed
0:20:14 > 0:20:20whereas the Japanese has a tsunami and their motorways are up and open.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24Absolutely right. The papers pointed out that the Japanese motorway ripped apart
0:20:24 > 0:20:26by the earthquake was completely restored
0:20:26 > 0:20:31six days later, but, to be fair, no-one has stuck up for British workers and said
0:20:31 > 0:20:34our motorways came through the Japanese earthquake unscathed.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40There's great comfort in those words.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44This is the closure of the M1 causing motorists marginally more misery than usual.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48Apparently there were already plans to reinforce the northbound
0:20:48 > 0:20:51stretch of the M1 after rumours that Eric Pickles was planning
0:20:51 > 0:20:53to give John Prescott a lift home for Easter.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Sorry, Pickles.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02You're sorry?! I'm the one who'll get it in the neck on Tuesday morning.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Has he got no sense of direction?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10HE MOUTHS
0:21:15 > 0:21:17BELL
0:21:17 > 0:21:18The clue is the ferry.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20This is the English rugby team coming back from
0:21:20 > 0:21:22their not very happy World Cup and
0:21:22 > 0:21:25this is a member of the team deciding the best way to celebrate
0:21:25 > 0:21:28being knocked out was to jump off the ferry and swim to the nearby
0:21:28 > 0:21:30pontoon, I suppose they're called.
0:21:30 > 0:21:35This is another story in the disastrous tour abroad for the English rugby team.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Do you know the name of the guy that jumped off the ferry?
0:21:38 > 0:21:43- No, I don't.- It starts with M and it sounds a bit New Zealand-y.
0:21:43 > 0:21:49Moichael! Moichael! Moi name's Moichael.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52That's terrible.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56His name is Manu Tuilagi. Do you know what the repercussions were?
0:21:56 > 0:21:59He met David Walliams.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06England coach Martin Johnson also said he had been...
0:22:13 > 0:22:17Mike Tindall got into trouble when he was seen in a bar with an old flame.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Old flame meaning ex-girlfriend,
0:22:19 > 0:22:22not something shooting out of a rugby player's buttocks.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Time now for the odd-one-out round.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Charlie Chaplin.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Never heard of him.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Goldfish in Stockport, Baroness Warsi
0:22:30 > 0:22:32and a house in Swansea.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36The only house in the news is the one that looks like Hitler.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39There's a house in Swansea that looks like Hitler?!
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Hitler's only got one hall.
0:22:41 > 0:22:47There's a house that has a porch and a sloped roof that looks a bit...
0:22:47 > 0:22:51Yeah, Nuremberg rallies when he had a bit off guttering round the side of his head.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55So, if there's a house that looks like Hitler, Charlie Chaplin with
0:22:55 > 0:22:57the moustache which later was appropriated by Hitler.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01So has the goldfish or Baroness what's-her-name got a Hitler moustache?
0:23:01 > 0:23:04There is a fish that looks a bit like Hitler.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06That lets us off then.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09So Baroness what's-her-name is the odd one out cos she's the only one
0:23:09 > 0:23:13who's never been compared to Hitler.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16They've all been likened to Hitler apart from Baroness Warsi
0:23:16 > 0:23:19who has recently been likened to Goebbels.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22I have to show a picture of the house that looks like Hitler.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24I'm on tenterhooks.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Yeah, sort of.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32He wants to get rid of that 'pole' in front of it, by the way.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37APPLAUSE
0:23:39 > 0:23:42The goldfish in Stockport has been likened to Hitler...
0:23:46 > 0:23:50Well, a cross between Hitler and Roy Orbison.
0:23:50 > 0:23:56His name of course is Adolphish.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00This allowed the Sun to dust off some photos from the website...
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Would you like to see a picture of Mein Fuhrer?
0:24:10 > 0:24:13That's fantastically good.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16It looks more sinister than Hitler.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19I'd rather have Hitler on my lap than that cat.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23You know your own business best.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Time for the missing words round...
0:24:28 > 0:24:30..To tour with Smashing Pumpkins.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33APPLAUSE
0:24:39 > 0:24:42These are melons that exploded as a result of a growth chemical.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46A story which caused total panic in the Katie Price household.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53That cartoon of Mohammed.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57Don't broadcast that. It was just for us.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00No, no. Just for you, just for you.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03APPLAUSE
0:25:09 > 0:25:15A group of Finnish lawyers has suggested new EU sexual harassment laws should cover women eating
0:25:15 > 0:25:18ice creams provocatively in front of male colleagues.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22I wouldn't do that. I always make sure I'm alone before I open my Mivvi.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Do you get a 99 with that?
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Or cheese and pickle, the choice is yours.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42The furry dolphin, the cheese and pickle, what do you want?
0:25:45 > 0:25:47The answer is...
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Rare.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Herr Haha.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59I think, Ian, you're near enough to it.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02There's some survey, ranking countries how funny they are,
0:26:02 > 0:26:04the Germans came bottom.
0:26:06 > 0:26:12It was voted for, largely, by countries who the Germans had invaded at some stage.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14The Germans are not a funny race. Knock, knock.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18Who's there? The Gestapo. That's it.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24We're going to have the German ambassador complaining
0:26:24 > 0:26:25to this programme again.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28ACCENTED: For you, Ambassador, the joke is over.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Told to get to the end of the 'cue'.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43APPLAUSE
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Told he needs a break.
0:26:49 > 0:26:50You're going to do them all.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Should have a rest on the bottom cushion.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Screw back for the brown.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Has learnt his lesson.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04Will not sit by a snooker table yawning.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12I'm going to win that contest.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Photograph in there, go on!
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25Big tall guy and little small guy go on a trip.
0:27:28 > 0:27:34Snowman melts and reveals hidden identity.
0:27:34 > 0:27:35Sarge, we thought this would be
0:27:35 > 0:27:38quicker than turning the place upside down.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40APPLAUSE
0:27:42 > 0:27:47I leave you with news of a worrying sight for Michael Jackson's doctor as he arrives for his LA trial.
0:27:54 > 0:27:58In Alabama, the inquest begins as to who put their new denim jeans in the washing machine.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06At a meeting of the G8 countries, there's a tense moment
0:28:06 > 0:28:11as Silvio Berlusconi prepares to address the Japanese prime minister.
0:28:14 > 0:28:18In Windsor, there's evidence squirrels may have developed rudimentary weapons.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24Good night.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:44 > 0:28:47E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk