:00:17. > :00:25.I was hosting this show the week Saddam Hussein was captured. I was
:00:25. > :00:35.hosting the show the week Lyle Lad was captured, and today, the day
:00:35. > :01:02.
:01:02. > :01:07.- Osama Bin Laden was captured, and Good evening, welcome to Have I Got
:01:07. > :01:10.News For You. In the news this week, as news of the demise of Colonel
:01:10. > :01:17.Gaddafi flashes around the world, there is evidence that his team of
:01:17. > :01:24.20 young female bodyguards may not be out of work for long!
:01:24. > :01:34.In south London a reporter makes an impassioned appeal for information
:01:34. > :01:40.of the where abouts of a confused elderly sports fan.
:01:40. > :01:45.And before performing at the O2 arena, Dame Vera Lynn is less than
:01:45. > :01:49.impressed with the toilet facilities.
:01:49. > :01:54.On Ian's team tonight is a Tory MP and chick-lit author, who describes
:01:54. > :01:57.her work as trashy, with no redeeming merit, on the other hand
:01:57. > :02:05.her chick-lit books are great, ladies and gentlemen, please
:02:05. > :02:08.welcome, Louise Mensch. With Paul tonight is a writer and
:02:08. > :02:13.presenter who recently described BBC executives as soulless,
:02:13. > :02:17.soulless, bastards, which some might say is a little heavy on the
:02:17. > :02:22.soulless and a little light on the bastards, please welcome, Danny
:02:22. > :02:31.Baker. Let's start with a fairly big story,
:02:31. > :02:37.take a look at this. No-one stops and searches a tractor,
:02:37. > :02:43.do they? They are happy, oh no, he's back. Libya, in case we didn't
:02:43. > :02:49.know what the story was. Safe celebrations there.
:02:49. > :02:53.Where was he found? A sewer. In a sewer pipe. They are always found
:02:53. > :02:59.underground, never in the air. There must be something on-line,
:02:59. > :03:02.called "tunnels for tyrants". They are always so mean because
:03:02. > :03:06.they must be offered do you want the single pipe or the multiwarren,
:03:06. > :03:10.just the single pipe for me! There is never a way out. They learned
:03:10. > :03:14.their lesson this time, with Saddam, he was found and they had to put
:03:14. > :03:20.him on trial, luckily, this time he was shot. So we didn't have to see
:03:20. > :03:25.all the character witnesses turning out for Gaddafi, Tony Blair!
:03:25. > :03:29.yeah. He didn't get one last broadcast, I used to enjoy his
:03:30. > :03:35.radio shows. A trip down memory lane with Colonel Gaddafi. He used
:03:35. > :03:41.to say the running dog, treacherous vul tures of Washington shall pay
:03:41. > :03:47.for their duplicity in the noble blood of a desert race, and now for
:03:47. > :03:52.Tracey and all at 35, here is The Beach Boys. Cryptically Al-Jazeera
:03:52. > :03:57.started off saying a big fish had been found, while a BBC reporter
:03:57. > :04:02.announced that the curly-haired one had been detained, it was like,
:04:02. > :04:07.they have got Mick Hucknell. There was interesting reaction around the
:04:07. > :04:12.world, on the Mail website where the following message was posted,
:04:12. > :04:18.that Libya has got rid of its dictator, when can we get rid of
:04:18. > :04:22.our's. Do piss off Shaun! How did the people of Sirte
:04:22. > :04:26.celebrate the news. They fired bullets into the air, very
:04:26. > :04:32.dangerous to shoot a bullet in the air t can come down and kill you.
:04:32. > :04:36.On firework night I wonder where the rockets come down, I think this
:04:36. > :04:42.is the lesson, some good could come out of this. The last bit of the
:04:42. > :04:47.rocket to come down is the wooden stick. You could be impaled. It
:04:47. > :04:50.lands on your head and you go to school today and you don't know
:04:51. > :04:56.what's hit you. That is how this happened. That was a Katherine
:04:56. > :05:01.wheel gone wrong. What else were they doing in Sirte as celebration?
:05:01. > :05:06.They were dressing-up as Gaddafi. Dang us I would have thought?
:05:06. > :05:12.soon, too soon. The shops were thrown open so people could have
:05:12. > :05:22.whatever they fancied, a tradition started in Tottenham this year!
:05:22. > :05:24.
:05:24. > :05:27.Andrew Mitchell, the International He's the cabinet minister with
:05:27. > :05:31.special responsibility for brown nosing. This is the death of
:05:31. > :05:37.Colonel Gaddafi, one of the first world leaders to comment was Silvio
:05:37. > :05:43.Berlusconi who said Transit Gloria Mundi, it turns out he was saying
:05:43. > :05:46.one of his girlfriends had thrown up in a mini-bus. That is the
:05:46. > :05:52.oldest joke I have ever heard. was revealed that Colonel Gaddafi
:05:52. > :05:55.had been hoping to negotiate a safe passage out of Libya with a high
:05:55. > :06:00.ranking British contact, but for some reason, Adam Werritty didn't
:06:00. > :06:03.show up. Ian and Louise take a look at this? He's not bitter.
:06:03. > :06:07.former Defence Secretary. The wrath of something flashing over the
:06:07. > :06:13.Cabinet Office, there's Gus O'Donnell looking scary, diary.
:06:13. > :06:16.Rather empty now, but he's gone. Dr Fox resigned and he has a �17,000
:06:16. > :06:23.pay-off. David Cameron says to put the story behind us, forget about
:06:23. > :06:33.it, it was embarrassing, it's over. What's wrong with that? It isn't!
:06:33. > :06:33.
:06:33. > :06:38.Isn't it? Not if I can help it! Were you there for his good goodbye
:06:38. > :06:42.resignation speech? I did hear it. Were you moved? I was moved,
:06:42. > :06:46.especially when he thanked his wife and those targeted by the media, I
:06:46. > :06:51.was moved by that. Did you think, God, the media, they are to blame?
:06:51. > :06:56.If it hadn't been for the media he would still be in his job?
:06:56. > :07:00.thought that there were legitimate things the media asked and totally
:07:00. > :07:04.illegitimate things. Which ones were they? The innuendo about his
:07:04. > :07:09.personal life. He said he blurred his personal and professional life,
:07:09. > :07:11.presumably we were allowed to ask about the personal life. There was
:07:11. > :07:17.a legitimate area of professional life and most of the inquiry was
:07:18. > :07:23.not about it. So he had his mate in the room who wasn't security vetted,
:07:23. > :07:26.who was listening to briefings he shouldn't. A mate paid by shadyoy
:07:26. > :07:34.transatlantic interests, including the Israeli Government and others,
:07:34. > :07:39.paying through a firm called sat- nav, par gav, which managed to fork
:07:39. > :07:43.out all the money. It was a deriliction of duty. He resigned
:07:43. > :07:49.for it, it was a breach of the code. That sound like he has ripped his
:07:49. > :07:53.trousers. It seems an extraordinary thing to
:07:53. > :07:57.take your mate along when dealing with nuclear warheads or not. Come
:07:57. > :08:04.in, he's all right, come on, sit down. Order some drinks up, we will
:08:04. > :08:08.have this done in ten minutes, go on! There was some cheap innuendo?
:08:08. > :08:12.No. No cheap innuendo. If Adam Werritty had been a young girl,
:08:12. > :08:16.younger than a minister, 17 years younger, who he met at a university,
:08:16. > :08:24.put in his own house, given a job, stuck with him, and taken on
:08:24. > :08:27.holiday to a four-star hotel, then you would have seen some proper
:08:27. > :08:32.innuendo! So you are saying Fox resigned because he did something
:08:32. > :08:35.wrong, or did he? Here is his colleague Peter Bone MP on
:08:35. > :08:40.Newsnight. Why not just accept the obvious. That he resigned because
:08:40. > :08:45.he did something wrong. Absolutely not. He resigned because he did
:08:45. > :08:52.something right? He resigned because he did something right, yes.
:08:52. > :08:58.I think if Fox's name hadn't been Fox there wouldn't be sympathy. Now
:08:58. > :09:08.everyone can say Fox was hounded or hunted. What if he was called Dr
:09:08. > :09:09.
:09:09. > :09:11.Liam pier Rana! Dr Liam Vampire Squid, we would have had a more
:09:11. > :09:15.accurate representation. David Cameron said he felt ministerials
:09:15. > :09:19.rules needed to be tightened. That's what he meant was followed,
:09:19. > :09:22.perhaps what he meant was followed? Political lobbying is in the
:09:22. > :09:29.spotlight again after the Fox affair. David Cameron has been
:09:29. > :09:33.fairly outspoken on this issue for a number of years. Anyone know what
:09:33. > :09:38.he said about this before? He said it was a scandal and needed to be
:09:38. > :09:42.sorted out. We are bring anything a select committee on lobbyist,
:09:42. > :09:47.Labour voted against that in 2006, we are going to bring it in. Let
:09:47. > :09:51.sunshine bring in the day. Who's competing against sunshine for the
:09:51. > :09:55.day. Let sunshine win the day, who is sunshine competing against for
:09:55. > :10:00.the honour of the day. I think the night. It can't compete against the
:10:00. > :10:04.day, the hours are differently. need sunshine to win the day.
:10:04. > :10:09.isn't your most controversial policy, is it. Sunshine's better
:10:09. > :10:13.than the nightime! These things only tend to happen once
:10:13. > :10:16.resignation, shame, police involved, it is like they have been caught
:10:16. > :10:21.shoplifting, you know what, I'm never doing that again, that is in
:10:21. > :10:27.my favour, how about that. I intend to blur the distinction between
:10:27. > :10:31.thieving and not thieving. Another beneficiary of the distraction
:10:31. > :10:40.provided by the Fox debacle was Oliver Letwin, or as the Mirror
:10:40. > :10:43.called him "gaffe-prone millionaire buffoon, Oliver Letwin". What has
:10:43. > :10:46.gaffe-prone millionaire buffoon Letwin within up to? He was found
:10:46. > :10:56.in park throwing away papers, the Mirror said they were secret, they
:10:56. > :10:59.weren't secret or classified, but Oliver was throwing them away in
:10:59. > :11:03.the bin. So there was nothing in that, and Fox was doing nothing
:11:03. > :11:07.abroad, what do your lot do. uncle lost his job doing his work
:11:07. > :11:12.in the park, he was a grave digger, you could see the trouble the
:11:12. > :11:22.council had with that. A spokesman said Mr Letwin does some of his
:11:22. > :11:23.
:11:23. > :11:27.business in the park! Is that what Fleet Street calls a scoop! Letwin
:11:27. > :11:31.has apologised. I do apologise, because I do understand that
:11:32. > :11:36.constituents may feel that I shouldn't have allowed their papers
:11:36. > :11:43.to be in that bin. He shouldn't have allowed it, the papers were
:11:43. > :11:47.going in the bin, he saw it, but he allowed it! Things separated from
:11:47. > :11:51.him. I saw this happening, I couldn't believe it, but I allowed
:11:51. > :11:58.it! And your fellow MP and coalition partner, Mike Hancock,
:11:58. > :12:00.has been in the news again? He has. Debonair Mike Hancock, a stalwart
:12:01. > :12:04.of the Defence Select Committee, stepped down from it this week,
:12:04. > :12:08.after it was revealed that a young lady with whom he had been having
:12:08. > :12:10.an affair might have been a Russian spy. There is a question that she
:12:10. > :12:16.was allowed to see some confidential briefings and what
:12:16. > :12:26.have you. She had a pass, she was vetted by the Commons. A proper
:12:26. > :12:36.pass or did it just say "advisor on it"!? A vetted past, and she was a
:12:36. > :12:38.young and attractive lady. I hope this isn't innuendo! She was an
:12:38. > :12:42.attractive lady. She was called Ekaterina Zatuliveter, she's
:12:42. > :12:47.currently fighting extradition. In the papers Mike Hancock was
:12:47. > :12:56.described as vulnerable to foreign agencies because of his history of
:12:56. > :13:00.extra marital affairs, that is code for "a bit of a shagger".
:13:00. > :13:04.They said she was immensely valuable to Russian intelligence
:13:04. > :13:14.because of the ease she makes intimate relationship, that is code
:13:14. > :13:16.
:13:16. > :13:22.for "a bit of a slag". How come she he's a slag and he's a shagger.
:13:22. > :13:27.It's the code. You are breaching the comic's code. I'm saying what
:13:27. > :13:32.the code of the tabloids is. It is the male code. The evil tabloid.
:13:32. > :13:36.Everybody knows what the code means, I'm not defending the code, I think
:13:36. > :13:40.it is abhorrent! Can't we say they both have inappropriate
:13:40. > :13:44.relationships. There we are. They have blurred the line between not
:13:44. > :13:49.having sex and having sex. Because they went so fast there was a blur,
:13:49. > :13:53.and they blurred, who is doing what to who, I have no idea, pass the
:13:53. > :13:59.biscuits, they wok up and it was all a dream - woke up and it was
:13:59. > :14:08.all a dream. What was Mike Hancock's seduction technique?
:14:08. > :14:14.Nothing, she the opening line, "I hear you have a huge naval base in
:14:14. > :14:23.your constituency", nothing else. You won't be taking this up the
:14:23. > :14:29.Kremlin will you?! Yes, no he offered her a CD. A CD. Sheehy
:14:29. > :14:34.vently moved into his London flat, - she eventually moved into his
:14:34. > :14:43.London flat. He submitted a claim for an iron for the flat, because
:14:43. > :14:46.he takes pride in his ray peerns. I bet you do - - appearance. Mike
:14:46. > :14:52.Hancock's young lover faces deportation for being a Russian spy,
:14:52. > :14:58.Mr Zatuliveter was described as a femme fatale with a talent for
:14:58. > :15:02.seducing men in powerful positions and Lib Dem backbenchers.
:15:02. > :15:05.Miss Zatuliveter strongly denies being a spi, but admits affairs
:15:05. > :15:15.with NATO official, a Dutch diplomat and a senior member of the
:15:15. > :15:18.UN. She can always make room in her diary for Hancock's Half Hour!
:15:18. > :15:23.It is alleged Miss Zatuliveter had an affair in order to obtain
:15:23. > :15:29.Government secrets, if that was all she wanted, she could have gone to
:15:29. > :15:34.a St James's Park bin. Paul and Danny take a look at this. This is
:15:35. > :15:40.the travellers being run out of the ...Olympic Stadium is coming on
:15:40. > :15:44.well. The Olympic rings, only three have turned up. Yes, that is the
:15:44. > :15:47.demolition of part of the Dale Farm traveller site near Basildon. It is
:15:47. > :15:51.reported that several people have been tasered, many Essex residents
:15:51. > :15:56.thought it was a new beauty treatment! It is about ten years
:15:56. > :15:59.this has been going on. They have spent �18 million, essentially, on
:15:59. > :16:03.what is something like 40 families. It is the most staggering waste of
:16:03. > :16:07.time and effort. People said I can't believe this much money has
:16:07. > :16:11.been spent on what should be a, given all the other problems,
:16:11. > :16:21.something a bit solable. Or at least, in the modern way, turn it
:16:21. > :16:24.
:16:24. > :16:28.into some kind of show. "the caravan being evicted this week
:16:28. > :16:32.is..." What is going on peacefully? The protest outside St Paul's
:16:32. > :16:37.against the terrible world economy. They have already had to close the
:16:37. > :16:40.shop and cafe? What is happening to religion. They were protesting
:16:40. > :16:45.against the Stock Exchange, but they couldn't camp outside there,
:16:45. > :16:50.and St Paul's said, already, you can camp here? It was amusing to
:16:50. > :16:55.see the longest queue ever for star, but in the history of the world in
:16:55. > :16:59.that square - star, but, but in the history of that - Starbucks, but in
:16:59. > :17:05.the history of that square. What do they want to achieve? Overthrowing
:17:05. > :17:13.the corrupt system. They tweet on the iPhones, between getting cafe
:17:13. > :17:21.lattes, and housing themselves in fancy tents. They are against
:17:21. > :17:24.capitalism, except for the lattes. If they like coffee they can't be
:17:24. > :17:28.against capitalism. You can't negate them at the can't have a cup
:17:28. > :17:32.of coffee. It is like the man on the way to the gallows, you ate
:17:32. > :17:35.your last meal, what's the matter with you. You can't be against
:17:35. > :17:41.capitalism and then take everything that it provides and say this is
:17:41. > :17:48.terrific, but I hate the system you survive in. One cup of coffee.
:17:48. > :17:55.Can't they be about, sorry, no, no, It is just so obvious, I can't be
:17:55. > :18:01.bothered. What were you going to say?
:18:02. > :18:05.don't have to want to return to a Barter system in the stone - Barter
:18:05. > :18:15.system in the Stone Age to complain about the system in the world, even
:18:15. > :18:16.
:18:16. > :18:22.if you have a cup of coffee and a tent. You really can't get out
:18:22. > :18:25.there and say capitalism is crisis and enjoy everything it brings.
:18:25. > :18:28.keep saying everything, they had a cup of coffee. That is not
:18:28. > :18:31.everything. According to the Guardian, the protestors have a
:18:31. > :18:35.number of targets, their ambition is to stamp out greed and world
:18:35. > :18:39.poverty. They are hoping to set up a visitors' centre and an outreach
:18:39. > :18:49.group to spread the message. That sounds really effective. Much
:18:49. > :18:51.
:18:51. > :19:00.better to get some lobbyists in! What did an extra from Downton
:19:00. > :19:07.Abbey Matthew watt kinsson. If he has drunk coffee he has no opinion
:19:07. > :19:12.at all, if I can smell an espresso on his breath get out of here.
:19:12. > :19:18.Matthew from Downton Abbey? From upstairs or downstairs. That will
:19:18. > :19:23.make a difference. He could be saying "yes my Lord", or "hello".
:19:23. > :19:26.haven't seen it, I now don't need to. That is it, that is the whole
:19:26. > :19:31.plot. Have you not seen Downton Abbey? No, I was on tour when it
:19:31. > :19:38.was on, this time, missed it! blurred the line between watching
:19:38. > :19:44.it and missing it, you blurred that line. Any way, Matthew Watkinson
:19:44. > :19:47.told the Mail why he was at the camp, he said he was a vet for
:19:47. > :19:53.eight years, there is a lot of greed in vets, that is why I
:19:53. > :19:57.stopped. This is the leader of Basildon Council, calling on those
:19:57. > :20:02.inside Dale Farm to behave responsibly, those on the outside
:20:02. > :20:06.can Taser away as much as they like. Meanwhile, anti-capitalist protests
:20:06. > :20:11.in many cities around the world. Outside St Paul's Cathedral,
:20:11. > :20:17.unemployed protestor Katherine said she had to get her food from
:20:17. > :20:20.rubbish bins. Things are bad when you have to eat Oliver Letwin's
:20:20. > :20:24.papers. In Italy they go on the ram pij,
:20:24. > :20:28.and if anyone can be accused of screwing the younger generation it
:20:28. > :20:36.is Silvio Berlusconi. And so to round two, the
:20:37. > :20:40.strengthometer of news, fingers on buzzers, here is the first one.
:20:40. > :20:44.They found out this week there is a virus that attacks people who are
:20:45. > :20:48.going for the essential treatment of having your rough skin taken off
:20:48. > :20:54.your toes by fish, instead of a pumice stone. You may find you lose
:20:55. > :20:59.a leg. It is a belief you might be able to
:20:59. > :21:09.catch hepatitis from them, the fish suffer, because they get athlete's
:21:09. > :21:15.Gill, bunion fin, they get that as well. It sounds like a country and
:21:15. > :21:25.western singer. Hepatitis C, let's hear how Newsnight's Emily Mattlis
:21:25. > :21:41.
:21:41. > :21:45.Oh Emily! Get yourself down the clinic and take your hepatitis feet
:21:45. > :21:52.with you now. How could these infections be
:21:53. > :21:59.passed on? Rumour! I tend to think it has something to do with white
:21:59. > :22:06.bait, I have not made the connection, I'm sure once the fish
:22:07. > :22:10.have are no longer useful, some of the restaurants I know will have
:22:10. > :22:15.them. That is how these things get out. That is the economic reality.
:22:15. > :22:18.According to the Sun infections and bacteria may be passed on by the
:22:18. > :22:25.fish themselves or water used by a previous client and left unchanged.
:22:25. > :22:29.It is not just the feet owners left at risk. What risk to the fish
:22:29. > :22:35.face? Don't call me fish-face, I'm a guest. The fish are starving,
:22:35. > :22:40.they are not getting enough to eat. The RSPCA has raised concerns about
:22:40. > :22:48.the fish saying some are starved so they nibble more flesh from the
:22:48. > :22:58.feet. Here is the headline: The some what surprising sequel to
:22:58. > :23:01.
:23:01. > :23:06.Tinker Taylor Tolder Spy. This is the news that 60,000 people
:23:06. > :23:12.a year now change their names by deed poll, compared with just 197
:23:12. > :23:20.in the year 2000. The process has been dramatically simplified. Ten
:23:20. > :23:25.years ago it was complicated, now you only need �33 and filling out a
:23:25. > :23:29.form. Anyone think of hilarious names being changed? We can't think
:23:29. > :23:38.of anything hilarious, that is not what we are here for. There is Asda
:23:38. > :23:43.worker Greg Lewis, who went for Dr Pasty-lover smasher. And Shaun
:23:43. > :23:50.McCormack who changed his name to Fernando Torres, he moved to
:23:50. > :23:55.Chelsea a few minutes later. What came as a surprise to the Asda
:23:55. > :24:05.worker, Dr Pasty. He said when he found out he had officially changed
:24:05. > :24:08.
:24:08. > :24:15.He's stoo stupid to be a doctor. Bang that with a hammer we have had
:24:15. > :24:20.enough of it. Hit me too, I have had enough of this programme.
:24:20. > :24:25.Apparently some people choose to fuse their surnames when they get
:24:25. > :24:29.married. Mr and Mrs puffin came out of that.
:24:29. > :24:36.They told the Telegraph they wouldn't change it back their
:24:36. > :24:44.children will be puffins too. Until they manage to scrape together �33.
:24:44. > :24:50.Sometimes changing your name could be changing a vowell, Paul Martin
:24:50. > :24:58.became Paul Merton, and Brian Cant said it was the best �33 he ever
:24:58. > :25:04.spent. Now for the next round. The bin bulletin, designed to go
:25:04. > :25:09.straight in. Here is your lost bag but, what? Whose head is that?
:25:09. > :25:15.afraid it smells a bit? But, I'll keep the camera. This is the story
:25:15. > :25:21.of a person who found a handbag that was lost at the airport, but
:25:21. > :25:25.kept the camera in it as a reward for themselves and sent it back.
:25:25. > :25:28.Tabloid readers were shocked that they kept the camera, rather than
:25:28. > :25:38.the customary thing which is stuff it down your parents and take a
:25:38. > :25:41.
:25:41. > :25:48.photograph and then return it. Physically violated. Utted.
:25:48. > :25:56.Demands strip-search of rival. Ed Martin was accused of hiding the
:25:56. > :26:04.letter "G", his opponent said he should be strip-searched, when they
:26:04. > :26:08.searched him in the toilet all they found was a Q. Tony Blair is good
:26:08. > :26:14.at scrabble, he's the only one who has wound WMD in Iraq.
:26:14. > :26:17.What about this one? She NUTed me. She didn't seem to mind. Michael
:26:17. > :26:22.Winner explained on three occasions he called the Queen darling because
:26:22. > :26:30.that is what he tends to do. Her Majesty ignored Michael because
:26:30. > :26:36.that is what everyone tends to do. Finally, what and he's taxi driver
:26:36. > :26:39.all Alan from Torquay. God does exist. The mumry returns. This is
:26:39. > :26:43.the taxi driver who has become the first man to be mummified in the
:26:43. > :26:47.style of the ancient Egyptians. Ancient Egyptians believed in the
:26:47. > :26:51.afterlife you had to cross the river of fire, I'm guessing he will
:26:51. > :27:01.be the only taxi driver crossing that river this time of night. The
:27:01. > :27:05.final scores are Ian and Louise on six, Paul and Danny on seven.
:27:05. > :27:12.Before we go there is time for the caption competition. Ian and Louise
:27:12. > :27:22.you have this? David Cameron woulds the women's vote. Mrs Thatcher's
:27:22. > :27:29.
:27:29. > :27:36.Specially-supposed photograph appears in newspapers. Pied Piper
:27:36. > :27:41.tells Jobcentre, he still has it! On which note we say thank you to
:27:41. > :27:47.the panelist, Louise Mensch and Paul Merton, Danny Baker and Ian
:27:47. > :27:51.Hislop. There is a worrying site for Michael Jackson's doctor as he
:27:51. > :27:56.arrives for his LA trial. In west Dorset one constituent decides he
:27:56. > :28:04.might as well cut out the middle man and wait for a personal meeting