:00:48. > :00:54.Good evening, Welcome To Have I Got News For You. In the news this week,
:00:54. > :00:58.as his ex-wife's revelations appear in the tabloid press, Jeremy
:00:58. > :01:03.Clarkson runs over Max Clifford in the street. As he arrives late from
:01:03. > :01:13.his hotel for the Euro-summit, Nicholas Sarkozy explains how he
:01:13. > :01:13.
:01:13. > :01:17.got trapped in a folding bed. And in London there are rumours that
:01:17. > :01:25.Kate Middleton has signed a multi- million pounds sponsorship deal
:01:25. > :01:30.with Pringles. On Ian's team tonight is an award-winning
:01:30. > :01:36.journalist and broadcaster who, in 2009 visited a drug rehabilitation
:01:36. > :01:43.centre in Walsall. I think she was there to do an interview. Please
:01:43. > :01:48.welcome Victoria Derbyshire. And with Paul tonight is a comic who
:01:48. > :01:52.says his career has always been guided more by how much fun he's
:01:52. > :01:59.having than anything else. Tonight we can only assume he is here for
:01:59. > :02:04.the pay packet. Please welcome Ross Noble. We start with the big
:02:04. > :02:12.stories of the week. Ian and Victoria, take a look at this.
:02:12. > :02:22.Angela Merkel and snicker last, Silvio. David Cameron is not in the
:02:22. > :02:23.
:02:23. > :02:26.Euro gang. It is he being lynched? Someone singing Britannia rules the
:02:26. > :02:32.waves and burning and EU flag. I expect that has clinched the
:02:32. > :02:35.argument. This is the big, emergency crisis summit in Brussels
:02:35. > :02:40.where all the EU leaders are certain they want an end to the
:02:40. > :02:45.uncertainty, they are just not certain how to do it. They have
:02:45. > :02:50.agreed or what? They have said we agreed that we really look to do
:02:50. > :02:55.something about this crisis. I am relieved. There are 17 different
:02:55. > :02:59.nations who cannot agree what time of day they should all eat cheese.
:02:59. > :03:03.No wonder it has taken two years to get to this point. Nicholas Sarkozy
:03:03. > :03:08.made a cheap joke about Angela Merkel which set back the euro
:03:08. > :03:14.about six months. He said, she is on a diet, but I saw her eating
:03:14. > :03:18.cheese twice. By as one of those cheeses represent the war?
:03:18. > :03:24.brought up the war and said unless we solve this, there is going to be
:03:24. > :03:32.another war. I thought, not necessarily. Where does the Primula
:03:32. > :03:39.cheese spread fit into this? I am not the most political man, but...
:03:39. > :03:44.Where does that fit in? Is that a top British cheese? It is like
:03:44. > :03:48.toothpaste in HGVs form. It is magnificent. I put it on a
:03:48. > :03:58.toothbrush and then phlox with it the wax from a Baby Bell cheese. I
:03:58. > :04:02.
:04:03. > :04:06.thought this was have I got cheese for you. He referred to me as dairy.
:04:06. > :04:12.-- dairy. Why is the imminent collapse of the euro different this
:04:12. > :04:17.time? It is serious this time. We accept crease is going to go bust,
:04:17. > :04:22.but now it is Italy as well. Most people would have thought it Lee is
:04:22. > :04:27.a stable country run by a sensible fellow. That cannot be going down
:04:27. > :04:32.the tubes. But apparently he spent over one trillion Euros on
:04:32. > :04:40.prostitutes. No, I have made that up. The how much is the bail-out
:04:40. > :04:45.this time? For Italy one. Something trillion. That is their debt. The
:04:45. > :04:49.bail-out fund has gone up from 400 billion euros to one trillion Euros.
:04:49. > :04:54.But they do not know where this money is coming from. They said, we
:04:54. > :05:02.have got this fantastic plan and we will borrow it from the Chinese.
:05:02. > :05:07.But they have not asked. And what do the Chinese know about to his?
:05:07. > :05:12.Nothing. It is not in their diet. If Greece goes, it does not matter,
:05:12. > :05:21.because who likes feta cheese. anyone know what a trillion pounds
:05:21. > :05:26.is? 1 billion. It is when a human mates with a claim on. So, you have
:05:26. > :05:31.met the wife! How has David Cameron been referring to the latest plans
:05:31. > :05:39.to fix the euro? President Sarkozy shouted at him on Sunday apparently
:05:39. > :05:47.and said, we are so good you... Know, that is Italian. What is the
:05:47. > :05:54.French accent? Camembert, Camembert. We are sick of you criticising...
:05:54. > :05:57.That is done Nancy Dell'Olio. great, keep going. We are sick of
:05:57. > :06:02.you criticise it as, you hate the euro and you still want to
:06:02. > :06:12.interfere in our meeting. We are not interested in your cathedral
:06:12. > :06:20.
:06:20. > :06:25.city! Nicholas Sarkozy is alleged Let's have a look at what happened
:06:25. > :06:30.when Nicholas Sarkozy and Angela Merkel were asked if they had
:06:30. > :06:36.persuaded Silvio Berlusconi to do something about Italy's debts.
:06:36. > :06:41.were asked if they thought he had listened. A look said it all. They
:06:41. > :06:46.cannot even be bothered to tell the light. Italy may be about to agree
:06:46. > :06:51.drastic measures to help save the Europe. Anyone know what it is?
:06:51. > :06:56.Raise the pension age, late of thousands of people? There was a
:06:56. > :07:04.fight in the Dutch parliament. This is how politics works. Why is John
:07:04. > :07:09.Bishop in the middle? And why is Spike Milligan helping from behind?
:07:09. > :07:19.Meanwhile, back at home Cameron was tackling a backbench rebellion on a
:07:19. > :07:21.
:07:21. > :07:28.referendum over the EU membership bunny. How many voted against?
:07:29. > :07:33.This is according to the Times. is a hard habit to break. One of
:07:33. > :07:39.them it was Jacob Rees-Mogg. He his father is William Rees-Mogg who is
:07:39. > :07:45.a famous newspaper columnist. But take up is very odd. Is the
:07:45. > :07:55.crackers? Jacob crackers, it deserved more. I think David
:07:55. > :08:02.
:08:02. > :08:06.Cameron finds him hugely Did we see how Newsnight dealt with
:08:07. > :08:12.this? When you were speaking last night you invoked the spirit of
:08:12. > :08:19.Henry the Fifth. Stiffen the sinews. Summer up the blood, be like a
:08:19. > :08:29.tiger, absolutely. A as opposed to being like a pussycat. That is
:08:29. > :08:30.
:08:30. > :08:34.absolutely right. What the Prime Minister means... Who is this cat?
:08:34. > :08:40.The Prime Minister has to say, I have got to get power is back
:08:40. > :08:44.because my backbenchers wanted. We strengthen the Prime Minister's
:08:44. > :08:50.position and helping to have the courage of a tiger when he is
:08:50. > :08:56.negotiating with the Lib Dems. now on every time there is a
:08:56. > :09:00.problem in politics, bring out the mice. We will fix it. And so Nick
:09:00. > :09:04.Clegg has not been helping David Cameron this week. You interviewed
:09:04. > :09:13.Nick Clegg shortly after he was elected as Lib Dem leader. I did,
:09:13. > :09:19.that was a few years ago. A nice guy? He was fined. As a BBC
:09:19. > :09:25.journalist I am not... You are be impartial. I am paid not to have
:09:25. > :09:28.opinions. Welcome to the show. sent our reporter out to see how
:09:28. > :09:38.much the name of Nick Clegg has seeped into the public's
:09:38. > :09:39.
:09:39. > :09:46.consciousness. I think I recognise him. Is it Steve? Steve who?
:09:46. > :09:51.worked for him. I love that. This is the European crisis. According
:09:51. > :09:53.to the sun there are claims that Berlusconi needs another �220
:09:53. > :09:58.billion just to keep up with the interest will stop that is what
:09:59. > :10:03.happens when you take out a small loan with a Mafia family. Should
:10:03. > :10:09.Berlusconi stepped down, his likely successor will be the leader of the
:10:09. > :10:14.Northern League party. Soon it Italy's leader will be bossy as
:10:14. > :10:19.opposed to randy. Last week Nicolas Sarkozy had a beautiful little girl
:10:19. > :10:29.called Julia, as did Sudhir Berlusconi, but that is a different
:10:29. > :10:30.
:10:30. > :10:35.story. The Queen and Prince Philip in Australia. And a stick. This
:10:35. > :10:41.boomerang is crap. It is just a stick, you are having me on. That
:10:41. > :10:44.is an enclosure with poor people in it. Take those, they are horrible.
:10:45. > :10:51.This is the Queen and Prince Philip going around Australia and they are
:10:51. > :10:57.being greeted by crowds. And they rode on a tram. In Melbourne?
:10:57. > :11:04.it was the very tram that went past a hospital where Lee Mack used to
:11:04. > :11:09.work as a bogus official. Let's not talk about that. I used to book
:11:09. > :11:15.people in for appointments. I was not a gynaecologist. You were an
:11:15. > :11:20.enthusiastic amateur. Go on, have a look, I cannot do anything about it.
:11:20. > :11:24.What has been the big noise down under according to the Daily Mail.
:11:24. > :11:30.This would be about the Australian Prime Minister not curtsying.
:11:30. > :11:38.Gillard? She said, it is just not me. What else did she do that was
:11:38. > :11:45.wrong? She rolled attire at the Queen. She put attire on a swing
:11:45. > :11:55.and as the Queen approached she went... The Queen went, go on,
:11:55. > :11:56.
:11:56. > :12:02.curtsied. She said, I cannot, love, I am in a bloody tyre. She did not
:12:02. > :12:12.have a baton. That is it. What did Buckingham Palace say? We did not
:12:12. > :12:13.
:12:13. > :12:20.notice. People can dress however daylight. Just curtsy. Actually,
:12:20. > :12:24.that would have been better. Just curtsy. Did you see the Queen meet
:12:24. > :12:31.one of the bullying bloomers? They are a top Australian basketball
:12:31. > :12:40.team. The Queen met one of them. She is very tall. Let's have a look
:12:40. > :12:44.at this. The Queen is the one on the left in case you are wondering.
:12:44. > :12:51.You feel she could quite literally just pop the Queen through the hoop.
:12:51. > :13:01.What did the Queen say when she saw this lady? Have you come far?
:13:01. > :13:02.
:13:02. > :13:06.it started raining yet? After meeting the basketball Quare --
:13:07. > :13:16.Blair, the Queen was a Quantas about her height, so Prince Philip
:13:17. > :13:22.
:13:22. > :13:27.tried to help her feel a bit better. -- self conscious. At an official
:13:28. > :13:36.banquet Prince Philip was reminded of what he said when he was
:13:36. > :13:44.introduced to Cate Blanchett as someone who worked in movies. Why
:13:44. > :13:49.do we feel sorry for the Queen? heating bills? She is spending a
:13:49. > :13:54.lot of money heating Buckingham Palace. She is one of these people,
:13:54. > :13:58.older couples living in big buildings with no children.
:13:58. > :14:02.Charles is flogging it off. He said, I am not going to live in
:14:02. > :14:09.Buckingham Palace when I am king. It could be because he's not going
:14:09. > :14:19.to be king. He is going to turn it into a hotel. While Prince Charles
:14:19. > :14:28.be the hotel manager? And Camilla is going to serve breakfast. Here
:14:28. > :14:34.we are, love. Charles will probably have a number of us highly
:14:34. > :14:39.specialised servants. What was one of them? The guy who squeezes the
:14:39. > :14:44.toothpaste. Be guided gives you the numbers for the naughty movies on
:14:44. > :14:50.TV. The amount of times I have had to summon up a but lurked I spent
:14:50. > :15:00.so much time on the road. Is that some sort of slang? I according to
:15:00. > :15:00.
:15:00. > :15:07.a new book on the History of Buckingham Palace: What is so
:15:07. > :15:17.special about the White drawing Room? It is black. It is yellow,
:15:17. > :15:25.
:15:25. > :15:29.but it has a full-length mirror in Cool. Are they literally just
:15:29. > :15:37.waiting there and everyone is having their starter and a match is
:15:37. > :15:47.going, not yet, wait, wait. I am desperate for a kiss. Not yet, not
:15:47. > :15:55.yet. Do we believe any of this book? No. Andrew Marr has a new
:15:55. > :16:00.book out called the diamond queen. The working title was Andrew Marr's
:16:00. > :16:10.cash in Burke. It should cover the fees for the next libel injunction
:16:10. > :16:12.
:16:12. > :16:16.forced Bob --.. Now, the large Hadron Collider of news. In this
:16:16. > :16:26.round we fire high-speed news particles at each other and analyse
:16:26. > :16:26.
:16:26. > :16:31.the results. Buzz in when you know what the story is. That is the 10th
:16:31. > :16:35.city that nobody is in. They have set up their tents outside the
:16:35. > :16:42.cathedral and they have used thermal imaging devices. And none
:16:42. > :16:46.of them were wearing thermals. Some canon has been fired or whatever.
:16:46. > :16:49.He has resigned because he invited them to stay originally because he
:16:49. > :16:54.thought it might be a good idea these people protesting about
:16:54. > :17:00.poverty. But he was overruled. The Dean came in and said, the gift
:17:00. > :17:05.shop is using a lot of money. They closed the cathedral. It was on the
:17:05. > :17:10.grounds of health and safety. They said the guy ropes of the tent
:17:10. > :17:16.might trip over visitors and there could be a rodent problem. That
:17:16. > :17:25.bloke has been nailed to a bit of wood. Never mind the guy ropes.
:17:25. > :17:33.Look at them up at the top. I am going to grow a beard, walked out
:17:33. > :17:37.dressed in a loincloth and go, out. It is just so they can and can go,
:17:37. > :17:41.I told you I would get my supervisor. Critics are concerned
:17:41. > :17:51.the protest is having an adverse effect on the businesses of the
:17:51. > :17:57.
:17:57. > :18:02.There is a new perfume in Burton on Trent. Yes, there is. I read the
:18:02. > :18:09.words Burton on Trent and saw some perfume. Do we know what is unusual
:18:09. > :18:19.about it? It smells of... Burton on Trent city centre. You are not 1
:18:19. > :18:30.
:18:30. > :18:37.You are really selling it. So do people go to the chemist and go, I
:18:37. > :18:47.will get this new perfume, it is a Big Issue seller and a Dixons.
:18:47. > :18:49.
:18:49. > :18:54.I think any woman would fight to have the aroma of Branston pickle
:18:54. > :19:03.around them. You would not like his Malak your home town. Where are you
:19:03. > :19:08.from? I was born in Bury. It says on this card Ramsbottom. You can
:19:08. > :19:14.smell like a Ramsbottom. Let's do it again. You would not want to
:19:14. > :19:24.smell like your home town. Where are you from? Ramsbottom. You are
:19:24. > :19:24.
:19:24. > :20:07.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 42 seconds
:20:07. > :20:11.She claimed his ex-wife had had an affair after a remarrying. It is
:20:11. > :20:18.almost the last of the big super injunctions that no one was allowed
:20:18. > :20:26.to report. Was it generally known? Did you know it? Yes. Did you know
:20:26. > :20:36.it Christian art yes, Ian told me. That means I am technically in
:20:36. > :20:38.
:20:38. > :20:43.breach of the injunction. You better come and visit me.
:20:43. > :20:48.Originally everyone thought it was Jeremy Clarkson and Jemima Khan.
:20:48. > :20:55.one thought that except people on Twitter because they do not know. A
:20:55. > :21:05.year did not think that? No. People thought it was about Jemima Khan?
:21:05. > :21:20.
:21:20. > :21:24.It is like being in court. Get used to it, blabbermouth. It is an actor
:21:24. > :21:34.Arman under the thing. Clarkson said that one reason for dropping
:21:34. > :21:40.
:21:40. > :21:47.his super injunction was the cost. TELEPHONE RINGS. I cannot stop now,
:21:47. > :21:55.I am in the middle of a television recording. I will ring you back.
:21:55. > :22:00.is my lawyer. I had a conversation with Paul Merton six months ago,
:22:00. > :22:03.but I did not mention anything. Anything that could have been
:22:03. > :22:11.linked to any of those cases, particularly not that one.
:22:11. > :22:20.Absolutely. You can tell Ross. Paul told me. A how did he find
:22:20. > :22:29.out? Ian told me. Time now for the odd one out. Hermann Goring,
:22:29. > :22:35.Richard Branson and an alchemist. Somebody's set off some fireworks
:22:35. > :22:40.from the bathroom of his house. Richard Branson's house burnt down.
:22:40. > :22:46.Here is the 4th person? alchemist. He wants to be an
:22:46. > :22:52.alchemist. He is trying to get gold from lead. Is it about fireworks?
:22:52. > :23:00.Is that the idea? You are on the right track. Hermann Goering.
:23:00. > :23:07.is it him? All their houses burnt down and his did not. His did not
:23:07. > :23:12.and the producers just randomly selected him. They all have houses
:23:12. > :23:18.that caught fire apart from Herman Goring who ordered the Luftwaffe at
:23:18. > :23:25.not to drop in Sentry bombs on a Kent seaside town. Have you seen
:23:25. > :23:32.it? Yes. That is what he was interested in living in. How did
:23:32. > :23:42.they cover it? High, he left. published this voter with Herman
:23:42. > :23:46.Goring looking out at sea. Police were called to the Manchester City
:23:46. > :23:53.striker Mario Balotelli's house after a friend set off fireworks in
:23:53. > :24:00.the bathroom. Why in the bathroom. The kitchen was busy, there was a
:24:00. > :24:08.Didn't he chuck his keys at the police and say, if you need me,
:24:08. > :24:11.I'll be at the Radisson. Charming. Wanna be alwe mist Paul Moran, he
:24:11. > :24:18.set his council house on fire trying to turn his own faeces into
:24:18. > :24:26.gold by heating it to a high temperature. Urgh. He hasn't read
:24:26. > :24:31.the books, as he. Literally sitting on a gold mine, is that the idea?!
:24:31. > :24:41.He's a bloke from Ireland who turned into gold. Isn't that
:24:41. > :24:41.
:24:41. > :24:47.Westlife. Blan son's house in the Caribbean burned down after being
:24:47. > :24:57.struck by lightning -- Branson. Kate Winslet was there. She saved
:24:57. > :24:59.
:24:59. > :25:02.his mum. He told us that: Fleeing from a burning mansion on a
:25:02. > :25:06.private Caribbean island carrying the elderly mother of a bearded
:25:06. > :25:16.multibillionaire - that's a real- life situation, I think we can all
:25:16. > :25:16.
:25:17. > :25:20.relax now. Time now for the missing round.
:25:20. > :25:23.Newsletter of the Museum of Celebrity leftovers. A museum
:25:23. > :25:26.devoted to leftover food, not to be confused with the celebrity
:25:26. > :25:31.leftovers you can see on the current series of Strictly Come
:25:31. > :25:37.Dancing. And we start with, Ryanair shocks passengers by what? Taking
:25:37. > :25:43.them to destination. Passing the electric current through seats in
:25:43. > :25:47.the second class? Treating them like human beings? Oh, it was the
:25:47. > :25:52.cockpit, with the tape, they taped up the cockpit window and then took
:25:52. > :25:57.off. The right answer, yes. Taping up pay lot's window. Let's have a
:25:57. > :26:03.look at that. It's actually more worrying than it look, because
:26:03. > :26:09.that's after take off! Next, Museum of Slenty leftovers was what? --
:26:09. > :26:19.celebrity leftovers was what? success. Disaster. Closed. Bombed.
:26:19. > :26:26.Was it gutted when Eamonn Holmes turned up? Museum of Celebrity
:26:26. > :26:36.leftovers was "hateful". Says Eamonn Holmes. A review of the
:26:36. > :26:38.
:26:38. > :26:41.Growing them. Inserting them. Should I tell you? Owning more than
:26:41. > :26:47.ten. This is an American thief in San
:26:47. > :26:54.Diego banned by a judge from owning more than ten avenue ka does after
:26:54. > :27:04.he admitted stealing more than thousands worth. -- avocados.
:27:04. > :27:08.
:27:08. > :27:14.The final scores are : Before we go, time for the caption competition.
:27:14. > :27:24.Ian and Victoria have this. Have you met Mr Clegg? District council
:27:24. > :27:26.
:27:26. > :27:33.for's hair cut resembles a tunnel. A tiny man climbs out of his bum. J
:27:33. > :27:38.Paul and Ross get this. Come on Gaddafi, we know you're in there.
:27:38. > :27:42.It's funny, if you whistle at that end, do you get a noise at the
:27:42. > :27:47.other? On which note we say thanks to the panellists and I leave you
:27:47. > :27:51.with news that, at a meeting of the G8 countries, there was a tense
:27:51. > :27:56.moment as Silvio Berlusconi prepares to address the Japanese
:27:56. > :27:59.Prime Minister. After running over the family rabbit with a hover
:27:59. > :28:09.mower, a quick-thinking father tries to hide the evidence before
:28:09. > :28:10.