0:00:37 > 0:00:41Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm David Mitchell.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43In the news this week, at Heathrow,
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Theresa May's new stricter border controls policy is put into action.
0:00:52 > 0:00:57Authorities in Liverpool hail this year's bonfire night as their safest ever.
0:01:03 > 0:01:09And at a UN charity auction, bidding is slow for the item kindly donated by Silvio Berlusconi.
0:01:14 > 0:01:20With Ian is a stand-up who took part in Comic Relief's 24-hour Panel People,
0:01:20 > 0:01:23where dozens of charitable comedians gave up their time
0:01:23 > 0:01:26to help David Walliams's career.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Please welcome Roisin Conaty.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32APPLAUSE
0:01:34 > 0:01:41With Paul is a comedian and writer who recently presented a BBC Four documentary, The Search For Satan.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44He's in America doing The X Factor, isn't he?
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Please welcome Andy Hamilton.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49APPLAUSE
0:01:52 > 0:01:55And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Paul and Andy, take a look at this.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00ANDY: what's he doing?
0:02:00 > 0:02:04That's Berlusconi, obviously, making friends wherever he goes.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07This is the passing of a comedy legend, this.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10- Isn't it?- Yeah.- It's a sad day for people like us.- Yes, indeed.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14Silvio Berlusconi's got to go, not cos of the other stuff, but because
0:02:14 > 0:02:19Italy is massively in debt, and that will only be the debts that Silvio's
0:02:19 > 0:02:25- told them about, because a man like that doesn't put much in writing.- No.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26You say he doesn't put much in writing,
0:02:26 > 0:02:29but in fact he did put something in writing this week, didn't he?
0:02:29 > 0:02:32A note he'd written to himself.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35He wrote the word "traitors" during the vote.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Yes, it was caught on camera in the Italian parliament.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41ROISIN: He put down the number of traitors, eight traitors,
0:02:41 > 0:02:43so he knew how many horses heads to order.
0:02:43 > 0:02:48I think it's a bit unfair. A lot of people have been saying the Italian people are to blame
0:02:48 > 0:02:50for voting for Berlusconi,
0:02:50 > 0:02:54- but it's not like you could tell what he's like just from looking at him. - No.
0:02:56 > 0:03:01- Imagine if you went to buy something...- Yeah.- ..And a salesman walked through the door
0:03:01 > 0:03:06towards you, looking like Berlusconi, you would instinctively call the police, wouldn't you?
0:03:06 > 0:03:10What did Berlusconi get in trouble for at the G20 meeting last week?
0:03:10 > 0:03:11ANDY: Falling asleep?
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- Yes, that's right. - That was one of them.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18Falling asleep was another of them, as well, cos he fell asleep twice.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22And he wasn't embarrassed, that's what's so extraordinary.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25His officials are like, "Wake up, wake up!"
0:03:27 > 0:03:28He didn't care.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32He's not embarrassed by anything, is he? That's his secret, surely.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Wasn't that bit at the beginning, that little dance he was doing,
0:03:34 > 0:03:38he was impersonating a disabled person. ROISIN GASPS
0:03:38 > 0:03:42Well, that's someone who is not easily embarrassed, isn't it?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44It's his Ricky Gervais act.
0:03:44 > 0:03:49In our country we've taken the decision NOT to give Ricky Gervais much fiscal power.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56It's all right, European Central Bank is going to step in and save Italy,
0:03:56 > 0:03:58and the ECB is backed by the three big European countries,
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Germany, France and Italy.
0:04:00 > 0:04:01Oh, great!
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Italy is going to bail itself out.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Everyone knows if you've got a three-legged stool,
0:04:07 > 0:04:09it can do perfectly fine with just two of the legs.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14And Berlusconi is still, even though he will soon not be Prime Minister,
0:04:14 > 0:04:16he's going to be a busy man, I think.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Because he's still facing three court cases, do you know what for?
0:04:19 > 0:04:25Corruption, fraud and under-age sex with belly dancers.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30But he had immunity, he passed a law saying that you can't
0:04:30 > 0:04:32prosecute the Prime Minister for anything.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36And then tried to stay in power forever, or until he died.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40In the past he's only actually been tried for tax fraud. And embezzlement.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44And attempting to bribe a member of the police's financial investigation team.
0:04:44 > 0:04:50And false accounting, and illegally financing a political party.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54And corrupting a judge. Who among us, hasn't done all that?
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- So shall we have a look at some memorable Berlusconi quotes?- Yes. - Go on, then.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02I'll give you the first half, and you try to finish them off,
0:05:02 > 0:05:05as Berlusconi said to the actress!
0:05:15 > 0:05:18"..Discovered that mine is a lesbian."
0:05:20 > 0:05:21That's what he said!
0:05:33 > 0:05:35"..Most persecuted."
0:05:35 > 0:05:36That's absolutely right!
0:05:38 > 0:05:40You'd think in a Catholic country like Italy
0:05:40 > 0:05:43he might have thought of one other example.
0:05:43 > 0:05:48He went on to that, didn't he? He said, "I am the Jesus Christ of politics."
0:05:48 > 0:05:51"When I was elected all the other European leaders said,
0:05:51 > 0:05:53'Jesus Christ'!"
0:05:56 > 0:05:59And here's one from September this year.
0:06:04 > 0:06:09"..So if you'd like to excuse me, I'm just off!"
0:06:16 > 0:06:20Apparently you stick that on your manifesto, you get elected in Italy.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24Meanwhile, what has Angela Merkel decided to do this week to cheer Germans up?
0:06:24 > 0:06:29I've got a whole load of things going through my head, but...
0:06:29 > 0:06:32- She's giving them a tax cut worth £5 billion. - IAN EXCLAIMS
0:06:32 > 0:06:34How can she afford to do that?
0:06:34 > 0:06:38Cos they're not bankrupt, unlike everyone else.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Yes, basically. the German Government has discovered it's going to get
0:06:41 > 0:06:44£14 billion more in tax this year than it expected,
0:06:44 > 0:06:48and unemployment is at its lowest for 20 years.
0:06:48 > 0:06:55Which is great news. Good for them. Lucky, lucky old Germans.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Couldn't have happened to a nicer country!
0:07:00 > 0:07:02APPLAUSE
0:07:02 > 0:07:08While Germany is having a nice time, Greece is still struggling, of course.
0:07:08 > 0:07:13Jeremy Paxman upset the Greeks on Newsnight this week. Anyone see this?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16It was a bit aggressive. Even by Paxo standards.
0:07:16 > 0:07:22- He'd obviously had a dodgy kebab on the way in...- Yeah, been preying on his mind.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24- ..and he just really went for the bloke.- Let rip.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Here he is, talking to a Greek man.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- This isn't the fault of the rest of the European Union...- I'm not saying it is.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31..It is the fault of the Greeks.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Why is it the Greeks are so dishonest?
0:07:37 > 0:07:40I mean the paradox there is, if they're really dishonest,
0:07:40 > 0:07:42he's not going to give an honest answer, is he?
0:07:42 > 0:07:47Which other federation has been bossing its member states around this week?
0:07:47 > 0:07:51FIFA, basically there's a story about whether the England team
0:07:51 > 0:07:55would be allowed to wear the poppy in their friendly match against Spain on Saturday, I think.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Now they've decided they can wear them on an armband.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00And it was going to be a big problem, FIFA saying you can't do it,
0:08:00 > 0:08:03but then, traditionally, we solved the problem by giving FIFA a huge bung,
0:08:07 > 0:08:11So now we're allowed to wear poppies. Which is great. It was a good solution.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13The lawyer's not going to put that in for a minute!
0:08:15 > 0:08:19The lawyer has a cup of tea round about now,
0:08:19 > 0:08:22he nips out to the machine, so you should be all right!
0:08:22 > 0:08:24James Murdoch's a liar. There, I got that in.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27APPLAUSE
0:08:28 > 0:08:32I'm going to stick up for FIFA, now. On this particular story,
0:08:32 > 0:08:35I think FIFA were right.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39Because, although to us it's just a symbol of remembrance,
0:08:39 > 0:08:44I think to the outside world it probably does look like a political symbol,
0:08:44 > 0:08:47and their rules are that teams don't wear political symbols.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50It's the thin end of the wedge, isn't it?
0:08:50 > 0:08:54FIFA's argument was that if England people are allowed to wear poppies,
0:08:54 > 0:08:57then the Iranian team will be allowed to wear a bomb...
0:08:58 > 0:09:02..as a symbol of resurgent nationalism, and why not?
0:09:05 > 0:09:10Do you mean an actual bomb, Ian, or do you mean a little graphic with the word "bomb" written on it?
0:09:10 > 0:09:12I don't know how far their technology has advanced!
0:09:14 > 0:09:16It'd play havoc with the offside law.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21I don't understand why... You wear poppies, yes, on a coat or in the street,
0:09:21 > 0:09:24I don't understand why you have to wear them playing football.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27I don't think all activities you have to wear a poppy.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29I was watching ITV news the other night,
0:09:29 > 0:09:35and the weather forecast lady had a poppy the size of the dustbin lid!
0:09:35 > 0:09:36She cares more than other people.
0:09:36 > 0:09:41Personally I think it's very disrespectful they don't play DRESSED as poppies.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Meanwhile Obama and Sarkozy were caught out this week.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49They were overheard, weren't they?
0:09:49 > 0:09:53Somebody realised, they were having a chat near a microphone, it happened to be an open mic.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55It was terrific!
0:09:55 > 0:09:57- Yes, it was good. - Sarkozy said:
0:10:04 > 0:10:07It sounds like a conversation between a wife and a mistress.
0:10:11 > 0:10:16Are you suggesting that Sarkozy, Obama and Netanyahu are in a love triangle?
0:10:19 > 0:10:23This is Silvio Berlusconi, who has agreed to stand down, but not immediately.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Italy's current debt stands at 1.9 trillion euros.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Still, could be worse, could be in lira!
0:10:33 > 0:10:37Also this week, Greece has a new Prime Minister.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41It's taken several days to name him, but that's Greek names for you.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Ian and Roisin, take a look at this.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48That's Theresa May. Talking about border controls.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51"Shall we let this one in?"
0:10:51 > 0:10:53"No! Keep him out, he's very dangerous."
0:10:54 > 0:11:00Oh, that's people from the 1950s, they're allowed into Britain again.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03This is a bit of a row about our borders.
0:11:03 > 0:11:08- And it appears...- It sounds like you're a headmaster of a public school.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12Some of the boarders have been drinking after lights out,
0:11:12 > 0:11:16and I think some of the day boys have probably brought it in.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Should never have had day boys at all.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24You exploring your hinterland?
0:11:24 > 0:11:26You dirty devil.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27I could go on for hours.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30There's a problem. She relaxed the border controls,
0:11:30 > 0:11:35or, she didn't do it but they were relaxed, and a whole load of people came in totally unchecked.
0:11:35 > 0:11:41Which is amazing, cos if you've stood in that passport queue, you thought, it cannot go any slower.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43But apparently they tried to speed it up,
0:11:43 > 0:11:46no terrorist checks, no criminal checks, nothing.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Obviously this was quite embarrassing,
0:11:48 > 0:11:51she blamed her civil servant, the man running the borders agency,
0:11:51 > 0:11:54she said it's his fault, he said it's not my fault,
0:11:54 > 0:11:57and I'm going to take you to an industrial tribunal.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59At the moment she's still got a job.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01It's basically good intentions.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04They paid £5.6 billion for these biometric passports,
0:12:04 > 0:12:09where they photograph your eyes and smell your bones and stuff,
0:12:09 > 0:12:13they invented all this technology to stop terrorism, billions of pounds,
0:12:13 > 0:12:15and then basically what brought it down was,
0:12:15 > 0:12:17"Oh, there's a queue, let 'em in. Let 'em in."
0:12:17 > 0:12:21Certainly the terrorist queue at Heathrow, hundreds of people there.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25You'd have to wave them through, otherwise they'd still be there now.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28I always presumed when you see those queues,
0:12:28 > 0:12:30the length of those queues in immigration,
0:12:30 > 0:12:33I always presume that was part of the citizenship test.
0:12:34 > 0:12:39- Can you queue patiently?- For hours. - Are you cut out for life in Britain?
0:12:42 > 0:12:45There was a headline on one of the newspapers,
0:12:45 > 0:12:49when Brodie what's-his-face complained.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51I don't think he's called Brodie what's-his-face.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54It'd be an amusing name for man in charge of passports.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Brodie Clark is his name,
0:13:00 > 0:13:04and he emphatically denies he was bothered about cutting waiting times at passport control.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05He said:
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Yes, well done, Brodie!
0:13:17 > 0:13:18And why is none of this a big deal?
0:13:18 > 0:13:21She's not going to resign, as far as we know.
0:13:21 > 0:13:26And his tribunal we haven't yet, so we don't know what's happening.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29The other reason this is arguably not a big deal, is that in general,
0:13:29 > 0:13:31terrorists don't try to wander past passport control,
0:13:31 > 0:13:35and we've got plenty of terrorists of our own.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38You know, the 7/7? British terrorists.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40IRA? British terrorists.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44I mean, they might not SEE themselves as British, but...
0:13:45 > 0:13:48What's the really bad news for Theresa May?
0:13:48 > 0:13:49She discovered her husband's a robot?
0:13:51 > 0:13:53She's been in a loveless marriage for 40 years?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56- No.- It'd be terrible if you found out your husband was a robot, wouldn't it?- It would.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59If had you access to the controls, it wouldn't be bad.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02If you had, you know, you could get rid of some of the faults.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06"40 years I put up with that, and it was just a button."
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Even worse than finding out her husband's a robot...
0:14:09 > 0:14:12- Even worse than that? - ..According to a spokesman,
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Staying with laxity and sloppiness,
0:14:19 > 0:14:22what has been found in Acapulco's main prison in Mexico this week?
0:14:22 > 0:14:24- Oh, yes! - PAUL CHUCKLES
0:14:24 > 0:14:27I think it was 16 prostitutes, a sack of marijuana,
0:14:27 > 0:14:34several bottles of vodka, a hundred chickens, I think,
0:14:34 > 0:14:38certainly, and a couple of pet pheasants.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40You are incredibly close?
0:14:40 > 0:14:42I had to smuggle it all in one weekend.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47The 16 prostitutes were a nightmare.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49In the end, I disguised some of them as chickens.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55In fact, 19 prostitutes, 3 got in without your help.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57You can never trust them.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09There can't be a hundred of them - they don't get on.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11A hundred of them together.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Must have had a hundred boxes. That's the only way you could do it.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16It is like Deal Or No Deal.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Which box has a fighting cock in it?
0:15:21 > 0:15:22There's a quiz show in that.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24This is all found in one prison.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26One prisoner had spent nearly 20 years in the jail -
0:15:26 > 0:15:30he was only sentenced to five.
0:15:31 > 0:15:36This is the border control row threatening the Home Secretary.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Rival politicians were queuing up to attack Theresa May.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43In the end there was so many she waved some of them through.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46At one point border staff were letting potential immigrants in
0:15:46 > 0:15:49without even asking basic questions, such as, "Do you have a cat?"
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Here is a bonus one for you.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01Surveillance, the news that the Duke of Cambridge and Gary Lineker,
0:16:01 > 0:16:04amongst others, have been tailed by private eyes.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Steve Davis has put on weight!
0:16:08 > 0:16:11It looks like we can't afford colour in this country any more.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Surveillance, News International, News Of The World.
0:16:14 > 0:16:19They spied on some lawyers that were representing some people who were?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21The worrying thing was the News Of The World,
0:16:21 > 0:16:24which is in trouble for hacking voice mails, decided the way to
0:16:24 > 0:16:29counter that accusation was to put a private detective on to
0:16:29 > 0:16:33the members of the parliamentary select committee, and the victims.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36James Murdoch was in front of a committee,
0:16:36 > 0:16:39and he had to start off explaining why he had done that.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Of course, he had no idea it was happening.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45Tom Watson, the Labour MP, just went for it, and said,
0:16:45 > 0:16:48"You're the Mafia. You're the first Mafia leader
0:16:48 > 0:16:51"who didn't know he was running a criminal organisation."
0:16:51 > 0:16:52This is in a select committee.
0:16:52 > 0:16:57Everyone's going, "Really, that's very poor taste, Tom, ha-ha-ha!"
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Someone is lying.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02James Murdoch's evidence saying I didn't know anything
0:17:02 > 0:17:06is exactly denied by the News Of The World lawyer, Tom Crone,
0:17:06 > 0:17:10the editor of the News Of The World, Colin Myler,
0:17:10 > 0:17:12and journalist Neville Thurlbeck.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14They say he did know, they showed him the relevant thing.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17He said they didn't.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21How can one possibly tell, it is their word against his.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Make your mind up!
0:17:23 > 0:17:25It is not that much like the Mafia.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27The Mafia can keep their shit together.
0:17:29 > 0:17:34This Derek Webb is like the Mafia, the private investigator,
0:17:34 > 0:17:38the only reason he came out because they didn't pay him "loyalty" money.
0:17:38 > 0:17:39That's very mafia.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43Derek Webb's organisation was called Silent Shadow.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Shadow's mainly are silent.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50A noisy shadow? Every time the sun comes out. "Here we are again!"
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Shut up!
0:17:54 > 0:17:59That is a ridiculous list of people he was spying on.
0:17:59 > 0:18:05As fishing operations go, they were spying on John Motson.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08How does he know so much about football?
0:18:08 > 0:18:11He must have records at home!
0:18:12 > 0:18:15There is no public interest, John Motson, I don't think,
0:18:15 > 0:18:19is going to be involved in a sex scandal, even if he was,
0:18:19 > 0:18:21we don't want to know about it, we would be too upset.
0:18:21 > 0:18:26- It'd be Frank Bough all over again. - I've never recovered from that.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Strange thing about Murdoch's evidence,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32it was all done in the reasonable business speak,
0:18:32 > 0:18:37with loads of words like "due process" and "proactivity".
0:18:37 > 0:18:39What was the thing he said about mind?
0:18:39 > 0:18:41It was to do with it wasn't a priority.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43He kept saying, "It wasn't top of mind."
0:18:46 > 0:18:47I've never heard. They asked him,
0:18:47 > 0:18:52given that he believed that there was only one rotten egg,
0:18:52 > 0:18:56and that was the royal reporter, why, when they told them they had
0:18:56 > 0:18:59to pay compensation to Gordon Taylor, he didn't ask more questions,
0:18:59 > 0:19:03that is when he said asking that question wasn't "top of mind".
0:19:03 > 0:19:06So you are paying £700,000 to someone
0:19:06 > 0:19:10he's never heard of, and you assume it is not a problem.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14A very odd way for his brain to work, only thing top of mind works.
0:19:14 > 0:19:20He needed to go to the lavatory, so it is not top of mind.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24"Must pee." That goes away, and he has forgotten about the money.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28Lunch is top of mind then.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31It is totally understandable, he deserves our sympathy.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33I don't know why you put him in charge of a large organisation,
0:19:33 > 0:19:36because he's a moron.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:39 > 0:19:43- Who else was followed by the News Of The World?- Ian.- Ian wasn't followed?
0:19:43 > 0:19:46I would follow you, Ian!
0:19:46 > 0:19:48That makes me feel a lot better(!)
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Surely you were followed by private detectives.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54I was phone tapped by a private detective in the operation
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- before this one.- Who paid for this? - The Daily Express.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03Do they think you were involved in the death of Princess Diana?
0:20:03 > 0:20:04LAUGHTER
0:20:07 > 0:20:10It is his ambition to be stalked by Country Life.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11True.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15They followed Daniel Radcliffe's parents as well, which was weird.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18We know they had sex or he wouldn't exist!
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Maybe they ARE wizards.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Fingers crossed.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28While the front page of the Sun
0:20:28 > 0:20:31was filled with the usual X Factor drivel, behind the scenes,
0:20:31 > 0:20:34there was big news for Sun journalists this week. What was it?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36- One of them was arrested. - Yes. Until now it's just been people
0:20:36 > 0:20:39who worked for the defunct News Of The World who've been arrested.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41What did James Murdoch say?
0:20:41 > 0:20:45- He apologised.- Oh, he knew about it this time, did he?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47He just apologised that it had happened at all.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50And he said, "If this is true, I'm going to close down the Sun."
0:20:50 > 0:20:53And then outside, the church bells were ringing.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Pensioners dancing in the streets.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57# Ding dong the witch is dead... #
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Topless women weeping!
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Where will we go?
0:21:04 > 0:21:08What was the reaction in the Sun's newsroom to the arrest?
0:21:08 > 0:21:11- Did they organise a secret Santa? - To follow people around?
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Climb down chimneys, take photographs.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22Only really effective during the Christmas period, a Santa Claus spy.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24One of The Sun journalists told the Independent,
0:21:24 > 0:21:27"They have opened up Pandora's box."
0:21:27 > 0:21:32That's a reference to 22-year-old Pandora from Essex who appeared in the paper the other day.
0:21:32 > 0:21:37Another said, "People felt like they were watching the end of The Sun."
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Or dusk. As it is commonly known.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Maybe they could relaunch it as an evening paper?
0:21:43 > 0:21:45- The Daily Moon.- The Daily Moon!
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Big pair of buttocks on the mast...
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Yes, the News Of The World may be dead,
0:21:55 > 0:21:57but its wretched ghost continues to haunt.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59The News Of The World paid a private investigator
0:21:59 > 0:22:03to carry out surveillance on the hacking victims' lawyer Mark Lewis
0:22:03 > 0:22:07which involved following the ex-wife of Mr Lewis and his teenage daughter
0:22:07 > 0:22:09as they visited a branch of Tesco.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13If you're looking to intimidate someone, every little helps.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Among the well-known people followed by the News Of The World
0:22:17 > 0:22:20was former Lib-Dem leader Charles Kennedy.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22That's a tough pub crawl, even for a...
0:22:24 > 0:22:27And so to round two, the Strengthometer of News.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39This is an unfortunate by-product of malaria.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41LAUGHTER
0:22:43 > 0:22:47No, this is a man who's a champion pumpkin grower. About a year ago,
0:22:47 > 0:22:50he cheated by putting water into his pumpkin.
0:22:50 > 0:22:55They only discovered it when they cut it open and a sealion fell out.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57This year, he's entered the competition again
0:22:57 > 0:22:58and he's won fair and square.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00This is champion pumpkin grower, Barry Truss.
0:23:02 > 0:23:03Wow. Look at that size of that.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07And look at his pumpkin.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10That could be a walnut that's very close to the camera.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16The world of vegetable growing is a pretty seedy one. Barry has form...
0:23:16 > 0:23:19AUDIENCE GROANS
0:23:19 > 0:23:21I actually read that out without even noticing.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Literally, it wasn't top of mind!
0:23:28 > 0:23:32He has been accused of poisoning other people's pumpkins.
0:23:32 > 0:23:33His biggest rival, Pete Glaze,
0:23:33 > 0:23:37claimed Barry once put his foot through one pumpkin.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Truss defended himself saying
0:23:40 > 0:23:43the potential prize winner simply became too heavy and caved in.
0:23:43 > 0:23:48Glaze responded, "Caved in, my arse. It had a bloody boot-print on it."
0:23:50 > 0:23:51That's amazing!
0:23:51 > 0:23:55How did Barry undermine his own defence against these accusations
0:23:55 > 0:23:59- of poisoning and kicking in other people's pumpkins?- He admitted it.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02When asked how he ensures he grows the biggest pumpkins,
0:24:02 > 0:24:06he said, "You can't beat a pair of steel-capped boots and a bottle of poison."
0:24:06 > 0:24:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:11 > 0:24:13It would be a great episode of Lewis.
0:24:13 > 0:24:18Barry was understandably pleased on his return to legitimate pumpkin-growing success. He said...
0:24:30 > 0:24:32That is amazing!
0:24:32 > 0:24:34We are laughing at this man's tragedy!
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Time for the missing words round,
0:24:38 > 0:24:42which this week features as its guest publication BarCode News.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47If you're wondering how much it costs...BEEP £1.99.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48And we start with...
0:24:52 > 0:24:53Not as nice as they sound!
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Are a triumph for Heston Blumenthal.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01The answer is...
0:25:01 > 0:25:03This is Wendy from Nashville
0:25:03 > 0:25:06who's been selling lollipops licked by children with chickenpox
0:25:06 > 0:25:10to parents who want their child to contract the virus at an early age.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14- In the old days, when I was little, if a kid...- This was before horses?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Yeah. If a kid down the road got German measles,
0:25:17 > 0:25:20all the kids went and had a German measles party,
0:25:20 > 0:25:24you hung out with the kid, you got your German measles and got it over and done with.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28They have stopped that practice. The health and safety people say that
0:25:28 > 0:25:32passing on infectious diseases isn't good.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34They've ruined leprosy!
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Those leprosy sleepovers were the best thing...
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Next.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Orgy.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Total indifference.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53The answer is:
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Next.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04They've got tiny little legs!
0:26:04 > 0:26:06The stripeiness.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12It doesn't bother me that prices aren't included in barcodes
0:26:12 > 0:26:14because, over the years,
0:26:14 > 0:26:17I've come to know the price of every single ready meal for one!
0:26:17 > 0:26:18AUDIENCE: Awww.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Shall we start a collection?
0:26:23 > 0:26:25The pity is worse!
0:26:25 > 0:26:26Next.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Give me Phil Collins' phone number?
0:26:32 > 0:26:35It is a list of strange requests that people have...
0:26:35 > 0:26:37They phone up about the wind or something.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41I thought it was David ringing up and asking if he knew any friends.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46Reduced to phoning up random members of the diplomatic service
0:26:46 > 0:26:48in the hope of befriending...
0:26:49 > 0:26:52I'm still working my way through the Department of the Environment.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Give them a ring at agriculture, they're good fun.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01This is just one of the odd requests
0:27:01 > 0:27:03made to British Consular staff abroad.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06For our younger viewers who don't know who Phil Collins is,
0:27:06 > 0:27:07you lucky buggers.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Next.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15With your eyes?
0:27:15 > 0:27:16Is it for dogs, is it a BarkCode?
0:27:19 > 0:27:22- You deserve more. - No, he got what he deserved.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28I'm going for the meal-for-one sympathy.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31- You are absolutely right, it is BarkCode.- YES!
0:27:34 > 0:27:38This is the company that produces the BarkCode for pets
0:27:38 > 0:27:40that enables them to be traced.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44The company involved donates a proportion of its profits
0:27:44 > 0:27:46towards no-kill pet charities.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Much to the annoyance of all those kill-pet charities
0:27:48 > 0:27:52that are always stopping you for money in the streets.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55So the final scores are... Ian and Roisin have four points.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58But Paul and Andy are the runaway winners with nine.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08I leave you with news that, at the G20, not everyone is aware
0:28:08 > 0:28:12that Argentina's president Christina Fernandez is a karate-loving feminist.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20During a break at the G20, Silvio Berlusconi's lunch order arrives.
0:28:23 > 0:28:28And taking to the stage at the O2, Lady Gaga unveils her new costume.
0:28:31 > 0:28:32Good night.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd