:00:48. > :00:52.Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You. I am Kirsty Young.
:00:52. > :00:56.In the news this week, at the London Studios, minutes before
:00:56. > :01:06.recording the show, Justin Bieber meets the cast of Loose Women and
:01:06. > :01:16.has second thoughts. At the Annual Professional Tennis Players Dinner,
:01:16. > :01:27.
:01:27. > :01:31.one player finds out he has to sit And at Kensington Palace, the Queen
:01:31. > :01:41.vividly recreate the moment when the Archbishop of Canterbury
:01:41. > :01:42.
:01:42. > :01:47.tripped over a Corky. -- a corgi. On Ian's team, an ex Conservative
:01:47. > :01:51.MP who claims his ancestor was the last man in Britain to be beheaded
:01:51. > :02:00.for treason, and his father was the first man in England to play
:02:00. > :02:04.Monopoly. Please take a large pinch of salt and welcome Gyles Brandreth.
:02:04. > :02:08.Factually accurate. On Paul's team, a comedian who recently revealed to
:02:08. > :02:11.the Telegraph that the thing that irritates him the most is people
:02:11. > :02:18.who are not curious. There is probably a good reason for that but
:02:18. > :02:27.I can't be bothered to ask. Please welcome Marcus Brigstocke. We start
:02:27. > :02:37.with the bigger stories of the week. Ian and Gyles, take a look at this.
:02:37. > :02:38.
:02:38. > :02:43.Autumn! Look! Wright, the strike. Education policy at its height. The
:02:44. > :02:50.apostrophe is wrong. We have gone back to the 1930s. They are not
:02:50. > :02:53.trying to get another job in the Tory party. No, but it is almost
:02:53. > :03:02.compulsory to be gay in the Conservative Party. It is no longer
:03:02. > :03:06.the party with its back against the wall. This has got weird quicker
:03:06. > :03:11.then you said. You said it would get weird, but you reckon half way
:03:11. > :03:19.through. We have barely started. They are undeniably good-looking,
:03:19. > :03:26.aren't they? Yes, Gyles, they are lovely. I know your standards are
:03:26. > :03:31.quite high, but I think they are attractive young men. White Gyles,
:03:31. > :03:36.shall we focus? This is the strike of the week. Depending on which
:03:36. > :03:42.paper you read, it was a terrible strike or it was a non-event.
:03:42. > :03:45.According to the Guardian... Over 50 million people turned up.
:03:45. > :03:50.aroused strong passions on either side of the argument. There was
:03:50. > :03:55.time for some gentlemanly behaviour. This was an ITN reporter doing a
:03:55. > :04:02.piece to camera, obviously. She had asked everyone behind her to agree
:04:02. > :04:04.to keep the noise down. Tensions between the unions and Government
:04:04. > :04:11.have been heightened following yesterday's decision by the
:04:11. > :04:15.Chancellor to cap public sector pay rises at 1%. That was described in
:04:15. > :04:19.the Daily Mail as a vicious and violent uprising that ended in the
:04:19. > :04:29.death of eight police officers. Here is another picture that proves
:04:29. > :04:29.
:04:29. > :04:34.the point. Look at these disgusting anarchists. That is a proper
:04:34. > :04:39.British strike! Who has been less than polite about the strikers?
:04:39. > :04:43.Jeremy Clarkson had a few words to say about this. He said they should
:04:43. > :04:47.all be taken out and shot in front of their families. Although he did
:04:47. > :04:50.say some other things before that, but they were not much nicer. He
:04:50. > :04:54.was keen on the idea of the strikes because it meant he could drive
:04:54. > :04:59.faster through London. The BBC apologised after Jeremy Clarkson
:04:59. > :05:04.appeared on the One Show on Wednesday. Just so that you can
:05:04. > :05:10.form your own opinion, here is what he actually said in context.
:05:10. > :05:15.Do you think the strikes would be a good idea? Fantastic. London has
:05:15. > :05:19.just been empty today. Everybody stayed at home, you could was about,
:05:19. > :05:24.restaurants were empty. The traffic has been good. We have to balance
:05:24. > :05:29.it, because this is the BBC. Frankly, I would have them more
:05:29. > :05:35.shot. I would take them outside and execute them in front of their
:05:35. > :05:40.families. How dare they go on strike. He was balancing it, saying
:05:40. > :05:45.there are two sides to every story. Not quite two sides. One, I can
:05:45. > :05:48.drive fast, and on the other hand, I hate them as well. We saw the
:05:48. > :05:52.beautiful George Osborne, as you said. He gave his autumn statement
:05:52. > :06:02.this week. The Mirror on Wednesday took their usual thoughtful,
:06:02. > :06:08.
:06:08. > :06:12.That is true. It sounds like a joke but he did go through that. It is
:06:12. > :06:21.weeks like this that made me glad I am no longer in politics. I think
:06:21. > :06:30.everyone feels the same! The truth is, the one thing I could not stand
:06:30. > :06:35.about being an MP were my constituents. You may loth members
:06:35. > :06:39.of parliament, but it is as nothing as to how we feel about you.
:06:39. > :06:42.other big headline this week was that despite everything it is going
:06:42. > :06:46.to take longer to pay off some of the country's debt than the
:06:47. > :06:50.Government thought, seven years, rather than five. Shall we hear
:06:50. > :06:54.what Paul Johnson from the Institute of Fiscal Studies has to
:06:54. > :06:59.say. What we have been pointing out free while is that five years of
:06:59. > :07:03.spending cuts is more than we have managed before. Seven years is even
:07:03. > :07:06.more. Just add to the gloom, I don't know if you have been
:07:06. > :07:11.watching Jeremy Paxman, but this was him signing off from Newsnight
:07:11. > :07:17.on Tuesday. That is all from Newsnight tonight and we will be
:07:17. > :07:21.back to depress you again tomorrow night. One of the measures the
:07:21. > :07:29.George Osborne announced was an increase in the tax on banks. It is
:07:29. > :07:34.going to go up by how much, according to the Daily Mail? 0.02 %.
:07:34. > :07:40.You are very close. The Daily Mail said the tax on banks is going to
:07:40. > :07:44.rise 10%. Technically, it went up to 0.088 %. It was a very depressed
:07:44. > :07:48.fellow from KPMG, a spokesman for the accountants, who said that the
:07:48. > :07:54.banks will again question the attractiveness of operating in the
:07:54. > :07:59.UK. They were all moved to Greece, presumably, or Italy, Spain, or any
:07:59. > :08:03.of the other burgeoning banking economies. -- they will all move.
:08:03. > :08:07.Wide and the public sector workers threaten to leave? It works for the
:08:07. > :08:11.bankers. Anything happens, and they say, we will go. Just have the
:08:11. > :08:20.nurses and teachers say, we will go. It would just be Jeremy Clarkson
:08:20. > :08:24.left going, this is brilliant! George Osborne delivered his autumn
:08:24. > :08:28.statement this week, according to the Office of budget responsibility
:08:28. > :08:32.bee forecasts. The worst year for the economy will be 2012. Just as
:08:32. > :08:36.well we are not hosting any massively expensive sports
:08:36. > :08:39.extravaganza. Responding to the Autumn Statement, one MP said,
:08:39. > :08:46.George Osborne is a Marmite politician. Some people love him,
:08:46. > :08:51.some people would rather see him in an accident on the M1. Paul and
:08:51. > :08:55.Marcus, look at this. This is the Leveson inquiry going on. He looks
:08:55. > :08:59.like Rupert Murdoch. There is Charlotte Church, who has turned up
:08:59. > :09:03.talking about her dealings with the Murdoch press. That is one of the
:09:03. > :09:11.few reporters to be interviewed. That is Andy Coulson and Rebekah
:09:11. > :09:16.Brooks. If we lip read them, we can find out what is going on. Alastair
:09:16. > :09:21.Campbell. That is basically what it is about. Charlotte Church, she was
:09:21. > :09:26.asked to sing at Rupert Murdoch's marriage. Do you want �100,000 or
:09:26. > :09:29.good coverage in the press? She said �100,000, because she was 13,
:09:29. > :09:33.but was advised to go for good coverage in the press. They printed
:09:33. > :09:37.a couple of stories about her and approaching her 16th birthday, the
:09:37. > :09:44.Sun ran a countdown deadline to her 16th birthday when it was legal to
:09:44. > :09:48.have sex with her. Nice! I wonder how much Tony Blair was paid for
:09:48. > :09:55.being godfather at the christening. Is the Charlotte Church's
:09:55. > :10:05.Godfather? He is the godfather of murder's child. Yona he runs a
:10:05. > :10:05.
:10:05. > :10:15.baptism surface. BOP -- he runs a baptism service. It is 500 quid,
:10:15. > :10:15.
:10:15. > :10:20.plus expenses. I think she sang in the end. Cherie Blair? I would have
:10:20. > :10:23.paid �100,000 for that. Paul McMullen said the extraordinary
:10:23. > :10:29.thing that only paedophiles need privacy, because you if -- if you
:10:29. > :10:32.are demanding privacy must be up to something bad. Every time he opens
:10:32. > :10:36.his mouth, I think, that is it, the free press is finished. There is
:10:36. > :10:41.nothing he is embarrassed about. What did he say about phone
:10:41. > :10:44.hacking? He said phone hacking is a force for good. There have been
:10:44. > :10:48.examples where phones have been hacked and stories and the public
:10:48. > :10:52.interest have come out. Freedom of the press is immensely important in
:10:52. > :11:02.a democracy and it is hard to imagine how we would manage to vote
:11:02. > :11:02.
:11:02. > :11:06.if we did not know how soon we could BLEEP Charlotte Church.
:11:06. > :11:10.see some more of his gems to the committee. He said phone hacking
:11:10. > :11:14.brings to light stories which people want to keep hidden because
:11:14. > :11:18.no one needs privacy. In twenty-one years of invading people's privacy,
:11:18. > :11:22.I've never found anyone doing anything good. When it came to
:11:22. > :11:28.describing Andy Coulson and Rebekah Brooks, he described them as arch
:11:28. > :11:33.criminal and criminal in-Chief. And scum of the Earth. And when he was
:11:33. > :11:37.asked why, he said, for trying to drop me and my colleagues in it. He
:11:37. > :11:42.did insist that both Rebekah Brooks and Andy Coulson not only knew
:11:42. > :11:46.about phone hacking but that indeed they ordered it. Rebekah Brooks and
:11:46. > :11:54.Andy Coulson deny this, as we know. You are adding that for balance.
:11:54. > :11:58.The only light thing was that Alastair Campbell turned up. Until
:11:58. > :12:01.that point it was looking dire for the press. He said, people leak
:12:02. > :12:08.stories on the press room them. This is from the New Labour spin
:12:08. > :12:12.doctor. It was good to see the pot calling the kettle unethical.
:12:12. > :12:15.also suggested that the Daily Mirror's scoop on Cherie Blair's
:12:15. > :12:19.for the baby was obtained through phone hacking. He would probably
:12:19. > :12:27.know because he used to work for them if he could ring up his mates.
:12:28. > :12:34.But Piers Morgan was the editor then, so that cannot be right.
:12:34. > :12:38.Won his Piers Morgan being called to give a statement? I think they
:12:38. > :12:42.are going over to appear on his show. Charlotte Church said she was
:12:42. > :12:47.surprised to be asked to sing at Rupert Murdoch's wedding,
:12:47. > :12:50.especially as it was a funeral song. Although presumably it had been
:12:51. > :12:55.requested by an optimistic Wendi Deng. JK Rowling told the inquiry
:12:55. > :12:58.she was horrified when a journalist tried to contact her by slipping a
:12:58. > :13:02.letter into her five-year-old daughter's School bag. She knew it
:13:02. > :13:06.could not be from her daughter as it was badly written and full of
:13:06. > :13:12.spelling mistakes. Given that we have been talking about miserable
:13:12. > :13:18.celebrities, let's see some of them having a jolly old time.
:13:18. > :13:20.# Consider yourself Willian # Consider yourself part of the
:13:20. > :13:30.furniture # There isn't a lot to spare
:13:30. > :13:30.
:13:30. > :13:34.# Who cares? # Whatever we've got, we share
:13:34. > :13:44.# For after some consideration we can state
:13:44. > :13:49.
:13:49. > :13:53.# Consider yourself one of art's. # There goes the BBC's Christmas
:13:53. > :14:03.budget. There will be no programmes on Christmas Day, just that, on a
:14:03. > :14:04.
:14:04. > :14:10.loop, followed by an apology. some reason, Paul and I were not
:14:10. > :14:15.asked to be on that. I could not make it. Just me! I would have
:14:15. > :14:20.thought I was jolly enough. I would have joined in the fund. On top of
:14:20. > :14:30.the tree, you would look lovely. Why did we watch that? To cheer us
:14:30. > :14:54.
:14:54. > :15:01.So, to round two. Is that the This elaborately Photoshop image...
:15:01. > :15:07.The idea that Hitler spent some time in Liverpool. The author has
:15:07. > :15:14.written the book, they Hitler as of Liverpool. It explores the theory
:15:14. > :15:19.that Hitler stayed in a flat with his married half-brother in 1912.
:15:19. > :15:23.According to the Daily Mail, he sent money over so that his sister
:15:23. > :15:30.good come and join him but Adolf Hitler took the money and travelled
:15:30. > :15:35.over instead. The more you hear about him... According to the Sun,
:15:35. > :15:45.Hitler also visited London and loved target. But eerie the way it
:15:45. > :15:45.
:15:45. > :15:51.just opened like that. Hitler was apparently a... Do you have a lot
:15:51. > :15:59.of Hitler jokes? Hitler was a regular in his local pub where he
:15:59. > :16:09.never caused any trouble. On one occasion, he downed a pipe -- pint
:16:09. > :16:10.
:16:10. > :16:19.rather quickly but he was only obeying last August. I like that!
:16:19. > :16:29.Fingers on buzzers. Sorry! I just acted because I heard the words of
:16:29. > :16:42.
:16:42. > :16:48.command. That Hitler is a funny look, isn't it?
:16:48. > :16:52.This is a woman being inflicted on the beach. It is the girl accused
:16:52. > :16:58.of being a Russian spy because she went out with a politician. This
:16:58. > :17:05.found that she was not a Russian spy, just a Russian!. You're quite
:17:05. > :17:11.right. She used to go into the BBC canteen and say, the sausages are
:17:11. > :17:14.the calls for this time of year. think they thought she was a spy
:17:14. > :17:19.because she made a beeline for a member of the Liberal Democratic
:17:19. > :17:26.Party. Not very well informed them. What other reason could there
:17:26. > :17:36.possibly? For me in the Kremlin say, they're going to make Corderoy
:17:36. > :18:03.
:18:03. > :18:13.I just want to ring MI5! The show must not be going out this week,
:18:13. > :18:13.
:18:13. > :18:17.these are cardboard figures! That's not Gyles Brandreth, it is a pub at
:18:17. > :18:27.from another show exhibition Mark this woman with the Lib Dem MP Mike
:18:27. > :18:29.
:18:29. > :18:32.Hancock. She had a thing for older men with not much power. I would
:18:32. > :18:42.have been drawn to her because looking at the picture, she looks a
:18:42. > :18:42.
:18:42. > :18:49.little bit like Meryl Streep as Margaret Thatcher as a girl. Those
:18:49. > :18:54.two men don't come as part of the package! She has been cleared by an
:18:54. > :19:00.immigration tribunal of being a Russian spy. What was the crucial
:19:00. > :19:05.evidence? She kept a diary. Wouldn't that be your cover
:19:05. > :19:10.anywhere. I thought about spying but I'm not going to do it, that is
:19:10. > :19:20.what you were right. The tribunal concluded that their liaison was
:19:20. > :19:20.
:19:21. > :19:30.enduring and genuine. That seems a bit harsh, doesn't it? Do you kinky
:19:31. > :19:36.
:19:36. > :19:42.is attractive? I am sorry I told you in confidence! What did we
:19:42. > :19:51.learn from her Derry that might have convinced the panel? We would
:19:51. > :20:01.and read other people's diaries but Ian Wood. She said in her diary
:20:01. > :20:08.
:20:08. > :20:13.Heading the tribunal, Justice Mitting found that she was not a
:20:13. > :20:22.spy and simply formed general emotional relationship with older
:20:22. > :20:28.men. Adding, call me. Time now for the odd one out round. The winner
:20:28. > :20:37.of the Turner Art Prize, David Cameron, a football team and the CD
:20:37. > :20:43.of Benedict. The Turner award, I've never heard of that. It's maybe
:20:43. > :20:50.something about not being very good. The football team - they either win
:20:51. > :20:56.every match or lose every match. This is where I start running out
:20:57. > :21:03.of steam because it never heard of Benedict or David Cameron. Is it
:21:03. > :21:13.about failure? It might be. Benedict's send and thousands of
:21:13. > :21:13.
:21:13. > :21:23.CVs. Kaka and just trying to be encouraging. Patronising is good,
:21:23. > :21:27.
:21:27. > :21:32.too. I'm sure she didn't mean it. Prizes for being bad at stuff? He
:21:32. > :21:42.has the worst CV anyone has ever seen it so the odd one out is David
:21:42. > :21:46.
:21:46. > :21:54.Cameron. He has won a prize this week for G Q man of the year. He
:21:54. > :21:58.lost out to Ian Hislop, playmate of the ear! David Cameron is the odd
:21:58. > :22:03.one out because he has failed to live. They have all been described
:22:03. > :22:13.as the worst ever apart from David Cameron who is merely the worst
:22:13. > :22:15.
:22:15. > :22:21.politician in history since William Gladstone. He was caught on tape as
:22:22. > :22:31.a London party say it. What an invasion of privacy! He went on to
:22:32. > :22:42.
:22:42. > :22:47.The football team kicks from Cornwall have been described as the
:22:47. > :22:55.worst ever to grace a great British soil after losing all their matches.
:22:56. > :23:04.Their worst result was 55-0. Things got so bad for the team that the
:23:04. > :23:09.phrase, if you don't want to look at the score, look away now, became
:23:10. > :23:15.part of the manager's pep-talk. Last year's winner was a plate
:23:15. > :23:23.holding a large chilly and three small ones. It represented a very
:23:23. > :23:30.disappointing episode of master chef. Here it is. Keep what
:23:30. > :23:36.criteria do you think the turn up Prize entries are judged on?
:23:36. > :23:46.Cooking they must be pounds. They are based on the following Xscape
:23:46. > :23:56.
:23:56. > :24:01.Let's come to benedict. The 28 year-old from Manchester has been
:24:01. > :24:06.accused of writing the world's worst CV because it is too honest.
:24:06. > :24:16.What experience does he have in the world of work? Absolutely none of
:24:16. > :24:29.
:24:29. > :24:39.but keener to learn. Duties at His CV isn't all bad, he does
:24:39. > :25:03.
:25:03. > :25:08.Time now for the missing words round in which this week features
:25:08. > :25:18.grass cuttings, the magazine of the British a long war museum. We start
:25:18. > :25:23.
:25:23. > :25:33.with: You call it grass, I collet we'd, it's a generation thing.
:25:33. > :25:35.
:25:35. > :25:41.collect Tomich two ways, I call it keeping it all my options open. Oh
:25:41. > :25:51.yes, I have met him, the people existed. He was with me for quite a
:25:51. > :25:56.time. It didn't work, then? He has claimed that yoga and Harry Potter
:25:56. > :26:03.deal with magic and are evil. Father Gabriel is the only Catholic
:26:03. > :26:11.priest who is still interested in Harry Potter films since the Starr
:26:11. > :26:17.has passed the age of 16. Is it, here is one for free in at your
:26:17. > :26:27.yoghurt. Somebody was the drink a yoghurt with some chance of fudge
:26:27. > :26:37.
:26:37. > :26:41.but also at tooth. Was it somebody eating get from underneath? Whilst
:26:41. > :26:47.eating a pot of yoghurt, a lorry driver bit into a rotten tooth.
:26:48. > :26:53.Here it is. When he returned the offending pot to the local store,
:26:53. > :27:03.he was offered a refund of 68p but he would have got more money if he
:27:03. > :27:09.
:27:09. > :27:19.had put it under his pillow! Oh no, it couldn't possibly be!
:27:19. > :27:36.
:27:36. > :27:40.have ruled out circumcision? Yes, Is it a race? It suggests that
:27:40. > :27:44.there has been a spate of them. matter how dangerous and she might
:27:44. > :27:50.be, somewhere in the world there is always one man who wants to see
:27:50. > :28:00.what happens when he puts his penis in it. The final scores hour Ian
:28:00. > :28:02.
:28:02. > :28:05.and Giles had six. Paul has 10. I leave you with news that as the
:28:05. > :28:13.Olympic Bus timetabling sub- committee meeting enters its 4th
:28:13. > :28:17.hour, one man's thoughts turn to the beach volleyball.
:28:17. > :28:24.In Northampton, there's a mixed response as whether spring's start