0:00:37 > 0:00:40Good evening, and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41I'm Miranda Hart.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44In the news this week, at a clinic in Richmond
0:00:44 > 0:00:46there was a unwelcome sight for Vince Cable
0:00:46 > 0:00:49as a surgeon begins his haemorrhoidectomy...
0:00:49 > 0:00:52We won't come in if you don't want us to!
0:00:53 > 0:00:55..on holiday in the Bahamas,
0:00:55 > 0:00:58it looks like John Prescott's weight loss programme
0:00:58 > 0:00:59is beginning to work...
0:01:06 > 0:01:10..and after his BBC salary is cut, Jeremy Paxman has no option
0:01:10 > 0:01:14but to take a second job on the QVC shopping channel.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18Time to get yourself a nice, warm woolly this year.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22It's available through any of the 300 high-street branches
0:01:22 > 0:01:24of Edinburgh Woollen Mill.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29With Ian is a Labour MP who loves computer games.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33He spends hours indulging in virtual fantasy role-playing,
0:01:33 > 0:01:36or as we know it, being in the Shadow Cabinet.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Please welcome Tom Watson.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40- APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47With Paul is an American stand-up recently described
0:01:47 > 0:01:51as a six-foot tall, husky voiced sex icon.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54I'm sorry, recently described BY a six-foot tall,
0:01:54 > 0:01:56husky voiced sex icon.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Please welcome Reginald D Hunter.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02- APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Ian and Tom, take a look at this.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Now, that's a couple who love each other.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Oh, a couple who don't!
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Oh, look, there's Meryl Streep - she's taking over again!
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Ah, the British bulldog!
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Anyway, this is a very exciting story.
0:02:23 > 0:02:24It's the euro.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27By the time this goes out Europe will have been saved...
0:02:28 > 0:02:30..or not.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31We don't know.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Erm, but apparently it's extraordinary,
0:02:33 > 0:02:35they're going to rescue the euro.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38The Tory party is in revolt, there could be a referendum,
0:02:38 > 0:02:41- they could ask the public what we think about Europe...- Woo!
0:02:41 > 0:02:43..which is very dangerous. Thank you.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45What's your position?
0:02:45 > 0:02:47On the euro or on Europe?
0:02:47 > 0:02:50- Both.- Is Labour split on this too?
0:02:50 > 0:02:52If the Tories are revolting...?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Generally, we're, yeah. I think we're keeping very quiet on it
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- and waiting for David Cameron to save the day.- Right.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00You're waiting for Cameron to save the day?!
0:03:04 > 0:03:06- Yeah.- So, you're just going to do nothing
0:03:06 > 0:03:08and then just hope they mess it up?
0:03:08 > 0:03:12Well, I'm going to do nothing because I'm not a very good politician but... LAUGHTER
0:03:12 > 0:03:16I'm sure, I'm sure Ed Miliband is... APPLAUSE
0:03:17 > 0:03:20- I'm sure my leader's got a plan. - I love that.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Refreshing candour.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25The deputy chairman says, "I'm not a very good politician!"
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Well, I've only got the job...
0:03:28 > 0:03:29You know, Ed, he called me in and he said,
0:03:29 > 0:03:32"You know, I'm going to make you vice-chairman of the Labour Party.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34"You're going to join the shadow cabinet."
0:03:34 > 0:03:37I said, "Is it because of my forensic examination of Rupert Murdoch?"
0:03:37 > 0:03:40He said, "No, I just need someone who is more unpopular with The Sun."
0:03:42 > 0:03:47They had it in for you for ages because you sued The Sun once.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49They said, "We're going to get Tom Watson,"
0:03:49 > 0:03:51then you asked rude questions about Rupert Murdoch.
0:03:51 > 0:03:56- Yeah.- And then you called him a Mafia don...
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- Yeah.- ..which isn't nice, is it?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01They were very upset about it and they send me a letter of complaint.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03- Really?!- Pinned to a horse's head.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09According to The People newspaper last Sunday,
0:04:09 > 0:04:11what are the Germans doing these days? Just in case.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Saving when were not?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17They are actually printing new Deutschmarks,
0:04:17 > 0:04:19to be on the safe side.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- Really?- Yes. Better safe than sorry! - REGINALD D HUNTER LAUGHS
0:04:22 > 0:04:27I mean, the whole audience murmured, like, "Those dirty Germans!"
0:04:30 > 0:04:33There has been recent history between our two countries.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37But y'all ain't going to win the World Cup anyway!
0:04:37 > 0:04:41And can I just say, erm, could I have my fee in cash, please?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44That's my feet in cash, thanks.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45What cash you want?
0:04:45 > 0:04:46Euros? Deutschmark?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Pound's probably the safest.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50South African rand?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53That's probably better. Yeah, go for Rand.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54Fee in rand.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00I love this idea, they say if, erm, Europe goes ahead with this solution
0:05:00 > 0:05:03then Britain's going to be left on the sidelines
0:05:03 > 0:05:04while the middle collapses.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06That would be awful,
0:05:06 > 0:05:08we'd be left there watching everyone else collapse.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14I hope that doesn't happen(!)
0:05:15 > 0:05:16There's another summit on Friday.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18What has David Cameron been saying
0:05:18 > 0:05:21about any proposed changes to the European treaty?
0:05:21 > 0:05:24He's been saying, "Tell us what you're going to do, Angela,
0:05:24 > 0:05:25"and we'll do it."
0:05:25 > 0:05:28You don't really like David Cameron very much, do you?
0:05:28 > 0:05:31- He doesn't really like me.- Really?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33I keep putting in freedom of information requests
0:05:33 > 0:05:36about the cost of his luxury Notting Hill kitchen
0:05:36 > 0:05:38in Number Ten Downing Street.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Which is decent of you after the expenses row you are caught up in!
0:05:41 > 0:05:45Yes, I'm very certain about that. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:46 > 0:05:49They're fighting amongst themselves.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51We're going to beat the hell out of them!
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Ever since Hislop made that comment about all that money he stole
0:05:54 > 0:05:57their confidence just went down.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59You can smell it in the air.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- I didn't say stole, Reg, I said claimed.- Yeah.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04- OK.- And it's all behind you.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Look at him begging for approval. It's too late, it's too late!
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- You'll get none from over here. - It's too late, baby!
0:06:11 > 0:06:12Approval account is shut!
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Ah, you should give us a point that!
0:06:14 > 0:06:16- Yeah, no, no.- But don't, but don't!
0:06:16 > 0:06:20We can't get a point for pointing out that they're fighting amongst themselves.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21We wouldn't get a point for that.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24We need to get a point for answering the question right.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28BUT if we got in their heads and intimidated them,
0:06:28 > 0:06:31and then made them unravel before the game even really started,
0:06:31 > 0:06:33surely we'd get half a point for that?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36But then, but would there be any fun in winning over,
0:06:36 > 0:06:39basically, what would be the remains of human detritus?
0:06:39 > 0:06:42I'm American, I don't know anything.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45I don't know any bad at all! APPLAUSE
0:06:46 > 0:06:49A win's a win!
0:06:49 > 0:06:51A win is a win!
0:06:51 > 0:06:53I may just say this because in case they get a picture up
0:06:53 > 0:06:57but you, Ian, you bear a remarkable resemblance to Archie Andrews
0:06:57 > 0:06:59who was a ventriloquist's dummy in the 1950s.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Who used to wear a blazer just like that!
0:07:02 > 0:07:06- APPLAUSE - Peter Brough and Archie Andrews, bung it up halfway through the show
0:07:06 > 0:07:08and if we don't know what it is I was wrong,
0:07:08 > 0:07:10- if we do know what it is I was right.- OK.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12OK, I will take that in the spirit it's meant.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13Just the blazer, mind you.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16- That's exactly what you're going to do!- Yes.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23And finally, the first results
0:07:23 > 0:07:26of the PM's much vaunted happiness survey have been published.
0:07:26 > 0:07:31How happy do think are Britons, out of ten?
0:07:31 > 0:07:326.7...happy percent...
0:07:32 > 0:07:35- Quite close.- ..out of ten.
0:07:35 > 0:07:367.4.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40- So we're pretty happy. - I would have expected something...
0:07:40 > 0:07:43I mean, British people are fantastic it's just that...
0:07:43 > 0:07:46they're not the most festive people.
0:07:46 > 0:07:47Unless, you know, they drinking
0:07:47 > 0:07:52or there's a band playing in a muddy field somewhere, or whatever.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54You're all pretty reserved about the whole, you know,
0:07:54 > 0:07:56emotion thing, period, man, you know?
0:07:56 > 0:08:00In fact, I think self-loathing is a national sport.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03MIRANDA SOBS
0:08:03 > 0:08:07And I think people learn to self-loath so they can join in
0:08:07 > 0:08:11and then they can be have a beer with other people who hate themselves.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Keep it light, Reg. OK.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15LAUGHTER
0:08:15 > 0:08:18So, yeah, 7.4.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20- Might have gone down since then!- Yeah.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23APPLAUSE
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Er, does anyone know any of the questions
0:08:26 > 0:08:28they were asked in the survey?
0:08:28 > 0:08:29"Are you happy?"
0:08:31 > 0:08:33"Are you filled with self-loathing
0:08:33 > 0:08:35"and therefore unable to enjoy yourself
0:08:35 > 0:08:37"except in the company of other self-loathers?"
0:08:37 > 0:08:39I mean, you're mocking what I said
0:08:39 > 0:08:42but, you know, I was true, though, I was right.
0:08:42 > 0:08:43The reason you brought it back up
0:08:43 > 0:08:46is cos it hurt a little bit cos I was telling the truth.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49"Would you smile at a sea lion playing trumpet?"
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Was that one of the questions?
0:08:53 > 0:08:54Here's one...
0:08:58 > 0:09:00MIRANDA SIGHS
0:09:00 > 0:09:01LAUGHTER
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Would that one have hurt, Tom?
0:09:03 > 0:09:06On, it would have been, it's quite a hard one to answer...
0:09:06 > 0:09:08when you're a politician.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11The self-loathing thing is working with you!
0:09:11 > 0:09:14You've got something, I'm 7.4 on the self-loathing scale.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16You see, you're politician, you got a hard job.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18I want to be on your team.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Well, of course you do cos you know the man next to you don't like you.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:27 > 0:09:29You've been in the news this week.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31- Have I?- In connection with...
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Yes, in connection with a phone hacking scandal.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- You are on the committee that investigates it, are you not?- I am.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Yes.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Apparently you were followed for five days
0:09:39 > 0:09:41by a News of the World private detective.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Tell me, what were you up to?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45I was at the Labour Party Conference.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48I was drinking a lot of beer, with trade unionists mainly,
0:09:48 > 0:09:52and I rang my private investigator,
0:09:52 > 0:09:54I obviously know him now, his name's Derek.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59And I rang him up and said, "Hello, Derek, my name's Tom.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02"You followed me at the Labour Party Conference,"
0:10:02 > 0:10:03he said, "I remember you, Tom,"
0:10:03 > 0:10:06he said, "You were out all night with those trade unionists drinking."
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Are you friends now?
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Well, he's very upset with Rupert Murdoch.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12He said Rupert Murdoch didn't pay him enough money
0:10:12 > 0:10:14when they closed the News of the World,
0:10:14 > 0:10:15so I've actually spent most of the week
0:10:15 > 0:10:17finding him an employment lawyer.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21So, he is suing News International for breach of contract.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25- You're helping out the bloke who spied on you for five days?- Yeah.
0:10:25 > 0:10:26I'm warming to you!
0:10:26 > 0:10:30Derek, you should meet him, he's got a lot to talk about, Ian.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32You could, er...
0:10:32 > 0:10:33Derek.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Yes, so, this is the latest instalment of the Eurozone crisis.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41One Tory MP asked David Cameron, during Question Time,
0:10:41 > 0:10:44whether he would seize the chance to claw back power from Europe.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45Cameron's reply was...
0:10:49 > 0:10:53Which I believe is Boris Johnson for yes.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57So, Paul and Reg, take a look at this.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58All right. What you got?
0:10:58 > 0:11:01This is pandas, pandas are arriving, er...
0:11:01 > 0:11:03- In Scotland, as it suggested.- Yeah.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06These are the panda dolls that were being sold as souvenirs
0:11:06 > 0:11:07for the pandas that are arriving.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11Where's the pandas? There are the pandas. Oh, God, is this Edinburgh?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13They're feeding the pandas.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Yeah, so, it's pandas have arrived in Edinburgh, in Scotland,
0:11:16 > 0:11:17and as somebody pointed out this week,
0:11:17 > 0:11:21there are now more pandas in Scotland than Tory MPs.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Yes, it's the arrival of the two pandas at Edinburgh Zoo.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Notoriously slow-moving and incommunicative,
0:11:26 > 0:11:28with glum expressions and a poor diet,
0:11:28 > 0:11:31the Scots were still pleased to see the pandas arrive!
0:11:31 > 0:11:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:33 > 0:11:36They don't breed very well because they eat a lot of bamboo.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37They're full of wood.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Like seeing a sexy woman but you can't cos you've eaten a sideboard.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42It's like that.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Do you know they're putting them in two separate cages
0:11:45 > 0:11:47because they only breed for four days a year...
0:11:47 > 0:11:51Yeah, but it's a hell of a four days!
0:11:51 > 0:11:53They're connecting these two things
0:11:53 > 0:11:55with what they've called a love tunnel.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57I don't think it's called that really, amongst...
0:11:57 > 0:12:00biologists, but I know what you're saying. "A love tunnel," yeah.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02- Love tunnel!- Love tunnel.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04According to the Mail...
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Well, it's not the be all and end all, is it?
0:12:11 > 0:12:14I would have thought that it would have been very difficult
0:12:14 > 0:12:18for two VERY fat things to have sex.
0:12:18 > 0:12:23Like, yeah, it's all right if one thing is very fat
0:12:23 > 0:12:26and the other thing not so fat...
0:12:27 > 0:12:29..then you could get an angle of trajectory...
0:12:32 > 0:12:36That would, erm...please everyone.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37Everyone?!
0:12:37 > 0:12:41- Involved.- Oh, I see! Right, yeah, yeah.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44If you get the angle of trajectory then you will find your
0:12:44 > 0:12:45"love tunnel," and then...
0:12:47 > 0:12:53..but it's harder to do that when both creatures are very fat.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Yeah, it's hard to get purchase, if you will.
0:12:59 > 0:13:00Yes, ma'am.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04APPLAUSE
0:13:04 > 0:13:08And these pandas cost £700,000 a year, or something.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10That's a lot of, a lot of bamboo, so it's costing them a fortune.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Yeah, it was billed as a gift from China but it isn't.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15- Oh, they came from China?- Yeah.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18You know, they say China is getting ready to take over the world.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21And then China, they have rough human rights issues.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Where did they get off giving people panda bears?
0:13:24 > 0:13:27You all better be careful, they might be some Trojan pandas.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32I think that's exactly the point of giving these pandas.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35They are importing huge amounts of Scottish fish suddenly.
0:13:35 > 0:13:36Not Norwegian fish
0:13:36 > 0:13:39cos the Norwegians raised objections to their human rights programme.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- So they don't get panda bears? - They're buying Scottish fish
0:13:42 > 0:13:44and everyone's got to shut up.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48- So, they sent the panda bears to Scotland and a- BLEEP- you to Norway.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53APPLAUSE
0:13:53 > 0:13:57Yeah, it's costing £700,000 a year, which includes all their food.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Now, Tom, food.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Are you still allowed to claim it all on expenses?
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Er, yes.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07OK I, is it true you spent so much on food at M&S
0:14:07 > 0:14:09that they gave you a free pizza wheel?
0:14:09 > 0:14:13Er, sort of, you got that story slightly wrong
0:14:13 > 0:14:15but I did get a pizza wheel, yes.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18And it, obviously, because I'm a very fat man,
0:14:18 > 0:14:21featured quite a lot in the newspapers
0:14:21 > 0:14:25- during the expenses scandal. - Actually, Tom, you're not very fat.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Like, if you got with somebody of equal fatness...
0:14:31 > 0:14:36It's the angle of trajectory is what we... It's the angle of trajectory!
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Er, can you imagine how delighted the pun writers were
0:14:38 > 0:14:41- on the national newspapers this week?- Panda-monium?- Nice.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45- Ooh.- Panda-ing to China over its human rights row?
0:14:45 > 0:14:48My favourite pun was in The Sun...
0:14:51 > 0:14:54So, yes, this is the shock news
0:14:54 > 0:14:57that vegetables will be eaten in Scotland,
0:14:57 > 0:15:00with the arrival of two Chinese pandas at Edinburgh Zoo.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04It's difficult for pandas to reproduce
0:15:04 > 0:15:05because, according to the Mail...
0:15:09 > 0:15:12New Year's Eve, the office party and when she once a wardrobe shifting.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Time now for the one-armed bandit of news.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Fingers on buzzers, Teams, here's the first one.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26BUZZER SOUNDS
0:15:26 > 0:15:27Ian and Tom.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30The Muppet show in America has been accused by Fox TV,
0:15:30 > 0:15:32which is a right wing news channel,
0:15:32 > 0:15:38of deliberately spreading communism, erm, amongst the under fives.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41And they're serious!
0:15:41 > 0:15:43They think the Muppets are deliberately spreading
0:15:43 > 0:15:45a communist message throughout the country
0:15:45 > 0:15:47cos the businessmen in the film
0:15:47 > 0:15:49is going to close down the Muppet Theatre.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51The Muppets have been accused by Fox News host Eric Bolling.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56He is a trustworthy sort!
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Are those his teeth or is his head hollow
0:15:59 > 0:16:02and what we're seeing is the wall behind? Is that what it is?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04APPLAUSE
0:16:04 > 0:16:07I think that's what it is.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08They've got a record of this.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12I mean, they tried to ban SpongeBob SquarePants.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16Seriously, they thought he was spreading homosexuality amongst the youth!
0:16:16 > 0:16:19There's been another right wing nut job in the news this week,
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Herman Cain.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23- REGGIE CHUCKLES - A.k.a. The Hermanator.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24He's stood down from the race
0:16:24 > 0:16:26to be the Republican presidential candidate
0:16:26 > 0:16:29following claims of infidelity and sexual harassment.
0:16:29 > 0:16:34The most recent sexy claims against him were from a Ginger White -
0:16:34 > 0:16:38that's the name of the person, not a...description!
0:16:39 > 0:16:42In this country that is not a CRIME!
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Yes, Ginger White said they'd had a lengthy affair
0:16:47 > 0:16:50and presented evidence of 61 recent telephone calls from him
0:16:50 > 0:16:52as early as 4.26am.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- Do you know what he said to that? - What time is it?
0:16:55 > 0:16:56He actually said...
0:17:03 > 0:17:04Quite specific.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Cain gave a rousing farewell speech.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09He ended by saying...
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Where was that quote from?
0:17:18 > 0:17:23- Is it a popular song?- Yes.- Is it? Oh, I don't know any popular songs.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- He was quoting Donna Summer... - Oh, yes?
0:17:26 > 0:17:27..from her theme song for...
0:17:31 > 0:17:34I don't remember that one.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38- I do, I'm probably the only one who actually sat through that.- Why?
0:17:38 > 0:17:40- Erm, I had children.- Oh.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42And you want to get away from them for two hours?
0:17:44 > 0:17:48Er, one of the criticisms of Cain was that he might get caught out
0:17:48 > 0:17:50by gotcha questions from journalists.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51He said...
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Let's see Cain in action recently, dealing with a gotcha question.
0:18:07 > 0:18:12So, you agreed with President Obama on Libya, or not?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15OK, Libya...
0:18:23 > 0:18:24President Obama...
0:18:26 > 0:18:29..supported...
0:18:29 > 0:18:32the uprising, correct?
0:18:32 > 0:18:36President Obama called for the removal of...Gaddafi?
0:18:36 > 0:18:39I just want to make sure we're talking about is the same thing
0:18:39 > 0:18:42before I say, "Yes, I agree, I know..."
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Erm...I do not agree with the way he handled it
0:18:46 > 0:18:48for the following reasons...
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Erm...
0:18:50 > 0:18:52No, that's, that's a different one.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56A sad loss to the political world there.
0:18:57 > 0:19:02- Doesn't that make you feel, sort of, competent?- Yeah, absolutely.
0:19:02 > 0:19:03Proud to be a British politician?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05I'd like to thank you for putting them on there.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- You've made me look quite clever.- Yeah!
0:19:08 > 0:19:11So, this is the rather confusing Fox News about a frog.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15Fox News pundit Eric Bolling accused the new Muppet movie of...
0:19:19 > 0:19:24A spokesman for the Muppets promptly confronted him saying, "Hai-ya!"
0:19:24 > 0:19:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:29 > 0:19:33The allegation is quite ludicrous as not every Muppet is a communist.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35For instance, Beaker is clearly a Liberal Democrat.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40APPLAUSE
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Fingers on buses, Teams, here's the next one.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49BUZZER SOUNDS
0:19:49 > 0:19:52This is Prince Albert Memorial and his wife Queen Victoria.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54There has been a painting come to light recently
0:19:54 > 0:19:56of her as a young girl,
0:19:56 > 0:19:58which was considered rather saucy in its day
0:19:58 > 0:20:00and it's only come to light now.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Only allowed to see it some 100 years after she has died.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Brace yourselves, boys, there it is!
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Oh, revealing!
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Who decided it was too naughty to be seen?
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Prince Albert, probably, he was always saying things like that.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16- GERMAN ACCIDENT:- This is too naughty to be seen!
0:20:16 > 0:20:17He was German, you know.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21It was a surprise 24th birthday present for Albert.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22He considered it so racy
0:20:22 > 0:20:25that he kept it in his private writing room at Windsor Castle.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28I bet he did!
0:20:28 > 0:20:31How was the sexy effect achieved?
0:20:31 > 0:20:33According to Desmond Shawe-Taylor,
0:20:33 > 0:20:35- Surveyor of the Queen's Pictures... - Oh, don't trust him!
0:20:35 > 0:20:37He says...
0:20:44 > 0:20:45Hi, boys!
0:20:49 > 0:20:50Yeah?
0:20:50 > 0:20:52- Yeah.- Yeah.- Yeah?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00APPLAUSE
0:21:02 > 0:21:06So, this is Prince Albert's private portrait of Queen Victoria
0:21:06 > 0:21:09that was deemed too saucy to be shown in public.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11So, girls, if you want to pull your first cousin,
0:21:11 > 0:21:13that's the look to go for.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Fingers on buzzers, teams!
0:21:23 > 0:21:24BUZZER SOUNDS
0:21:24 > 0:21:26This is a village twinned with "Blindin".
0:21:28 > 0:21:31APPLAUSE
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Yes, this is, Google refuses to carry it
0:21:34 > 0:21:36because whenever they put the word in, in Google maps,
0:21:36 > 0:21:39it thinks it's, erm, you know, it's bad language.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41So, it won't come up. Is it the Google it won't come up on?
0:21:41 > 0:21:44- It's Facebook.- Facebook, that's it. Same sort of thing, isn't it?
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Google, Facebook - press a button, something happens.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50If it doesn't, it's not plugged in. I understand the Internet.
0:21:50 > 0:21:55Yes, Ann-Marie Kennedy from the village of Effin, in Co Limerick,
0:21:55 > 0:21:58has started an online battle to get her village's name recognised
0:21:58 > 0:22:00on the social media site Facebook.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Ann-Marie set up a Facebook page entitled...
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Which was then blocked by Facebook as it was deemed offensive.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Ann-Marie said to the Guardian...
0:22:19 > 0:22:20And why has a man in Scotland
0:22:20 > 0:22:23got into trouble for swearing this week?
0:22:23 > 0:22:26His real name is Alan Bastard?
0:22:26 > 0:22:27There was a technical hitch
0:22:27 > 0:22:30at the start of a BBC Radio Scotland's News for the Borders show
0:22:30 > 0:22:35which meant that the word, "the Borders," was repeated 37 times.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38A man tried to fix the problem live on-air.
0:22:38 > 0:22:39Let's have a listen.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41'This from Lynne Rennie.'
0:22:41 > 0:22:46'The Borders, the Borders, the Borders, the Borders,
0:22:46 > 0:22:49'the Borders, the Borders,
0:22:49 > 0:22:53'the Borders, the Borders, the Borders.'
0:22:54 > 0:22:56- 'Oh,- BLEEP!
0:22:58 > 0:22:59'Ahh!'
0:23:00 > 0:23:04- 'Oh, give me anything. What the- BLEEP BLEEP!
0:23:05 > 0:23:08'What the hell is going on here?
0:23:08 > 0:23:10- 'Technical- BLEEP- faults!'
0:23:10 > 0:23:12'Ohh!'
0:23:15 > 0:23:17- Quite hypnotic, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Is it a secret message that we've all got to go out tonight
0:23:19 > 0:23:21and kill the Prime Minister?
0:23:21 > 0:23:25It's from the Immigration Service, isn't it? "The Borders."
0:23:27 > 0:23:30This is the Effin woman who's got into an effing row
0:23:30 > 0:23:33- with those- BLEEP- at Facebook.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:37 > 0:23:42Facebook refused to allow users to identify their hometown as Effin
0:23:42 > 0:23:43on the grounds that it is...
0:23:45 > 0:23:48This also explains why there seems to be no Facebook users
0:23:48 > 0:23:49in Cockermouth.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Time now for the missing words round,
0:23:53 > 0:23:55which this week features, as its guest publication,
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Tea & Tea Room Talk,
0:23:57 > 0:24:01"the magazine for people who love tea and tea rooms".
0:24:03 > 0:24:04And we start with...
0:24:07 > 0:24:10I think this is something like, homosexuality.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14What speed they have to attained before this happens?
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Is it 32 miles an hour? Wahey!
0:24:17 > 0:24:18It's in Saudi.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Yeah, you're absolutely right.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26A Saudi Arabian cleric has warned that allowing women to drive
0:24:26 > 0:24:28will turn men and women to homosexuality,
0:24:28 > 0:24:30prostitution and pornography.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Those ultraconservative views on women drivers
0:24:33 > 0:24:37come from the controversial Muslim cleric Kamal Subhi Al Clarkson.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41APPLAUSE
0:24:41 > 0:24:43The best cleric in the world!
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Next...
0:24:49 > 0:24:50Never prosper.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00Scientists have revealed that wasps are able to tell each other apart
0:25:00 > 0:25:03and remember other wasps which have done them favours.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Oh, I thought we were talking about insects. Oh.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15The Times illustrated its article with this picture
0:25:15 > 0:25:18and this gave us the idea for an odd-one-out.
0:25:18 > 0:25:19So...
0:25:20 > 0:25:23- ..which of these is the odd-one-out? Anyone?- Top right.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29It's actually Peter, bottom left.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31As he is the only one who doesn't like picnics.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37Next...
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Whose side were you on in the war?!
0:25:44 > 0:25:47- Is that it?- That's not it.- Oh.
0:25:47 > 0:25:48That's a Sar-cosy, isn't it?
0:25:48 > 0:25:50GROANING AND LAUGHTER
0:25:50 > 0:25:52How are you going to support this baby, though?
0:25:59 > 0:26:01The answer is...
0:26:03 > 0:26:06According to the Tea magazine...
0:26:09 > 0:26:13So, if you missed out on those Olympic tickets, your luck's in!
0:26:13 > 0:26:15And finally...
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Oh, he drinks a lot of tea, doesn't he? He likes green tea.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25Green tea? Yeah, green tea, green tea, green tea. Erm...
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Is it a sleeping in a coffin full of earth?
0:26:27 > 0:26:30- No, you're mixing him up with Dracula.- Oh, yeah.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Same age range but different bloke.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Ribena? Blood of virgins?
0:26:36 > 0:26:38- Pink champagne.- There we are.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42The question everyone asks is how does Brucie keep looking so young.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45The answer is, of course, he doesn't!
0:26:48 > 0:26:51So, the final scores are Paul and Reg with four,
0:26:51 > 0:26:53and Ian and Tom with five.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55- APPLAUSE - That is a win.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04But before we go there is just time for the caption competition.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Is it, "Fenton let's the celebrity lifestyle gets to him?"
0:27:10 > 0:27:11Dog says, "Wait a minute,
0:27:11 > 0:27:14"I need time to rest after I just ate your brother."
0:27:17 > 0:27:20"Dog gives birth to human but refuses to cut umbilical cord."
0:27:22 > 0:27:25And here's a picture we couldn't show you earlier.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27- It is Archie Andrews.- Look!
0:27:30 > 0:27:32APPLAUSE
0:27:34 > 0:27:37I'm very flattered.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40And I leave you with news that in Strasbourg the new Italian leader
0:27:40 > 0:27:43refuses to agree to his country's debt repayment scheme
0:27:43 > 0:27:46on the basis of a game of scissors, paper, stone...
0:27:52 > 0:27:54..as ratings continue to plummet,
0:27:54 > 0:27:58producers make some drastic changes to the panel of the X Factor...
0:28:02 > 0:28:06..and the morning after the party to celebrate their biggest haul yet,
0:28:06 > 0:28:07the drug squad sniffer dogs
0:28:07 > 0:28:10realise things may have got a little out of hand.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Good night!
0:28:48 > 0:28:51Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd