:00:43. > :00:53.I'm Sue Perkins, after rigorous analysis
:00:53. > :01:01.
:01:01. > :01:05.At St Mary's Hospital, as he arrives for his annual check-up,
:01:05. > :01:15.there's embarrassment for one patient as a film crew spots him with his stool sample.
:01:15. > :01:16.
:01:16. > :01:20.And after successfully walking in a straight line to convince the police he's sober,
:01:20. > :01:28.one drink-driver gives the game away as he gets back into his car.
:01:28. > :01:31.Very good!
:01:31. > :01:33.Must try that.
:01:33. > :01:37.With Ian is a comedian and actor for whom things are going pretty well at the moment,
:01:37. > :01:40.because it's only a few more sleeps- until Christmas,
:01:40. > :01:42.and he's been a very good boy this year.
:01:42. > :01:46.Please welcome the unfeasibly young and beautiful Jack Whitehall.
:01:46. > :01:52.APPLAUSE
:01:52. > :01:56.With Paul is the new host of Countdown
:01:56. > :01:58.who previously worked for 21 years for Amstrad,
:01:58. > :02:02.making him the only man who thinks the Countdown clock
:02:02. > :02:04.is advanced technology.
:02:04. > :02:05.Please welcome Nick Hewer.
:02:05. > :02:10.APPLAUSE
:02:10. > :02:13.And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
:02:13. > :02:15.Ian and Jack, take a look at this.
:02:15. > :02:17.This is Britain alone.
:02:17. > :02:21.Is there a snub coming? It's a big, big story.
:02:21. > :02:24.It's finding a solution to the euro crisis.
:02:24. > :02:28.That's Nick Clegg. He was on the Andrew Marr Show. He said"under no circumstances" he'd go on,
:02:28. > :02:31.and then he did.
:02:31. > :02:34.They said they were going to come to a deal, and then they didn't.
:02:34. > :02:37.We managed to veto it. Yes, we did. That's it, yes.
:02:37. > :02:41.David Cameron used the British veto during the euro crisis summit.
:02:41. > :02:45.Does anyone know how the Sun portrayed the PM on its front page on Saturday?
:02:45. > :02:47.Was it Churchill,
:02:47. > :02:49.but without a cigar? Without a cigar.
:02:49. > :02:54.Because you're not allowed to smoke now. No. There he is.
:02:54. > :02:58.There was an indication of increasingly frosty relations
:02:58. > :03:01.between Britain and France in the body language.
:03:01. > :03:04.I read about a missed handshake opportunity. Is that it?
:03:04. > :03:07.Here they are. Sarkozy saying hello to
:03:07. > :03:13.Pat Butcher there.
:03:13. > :03:16.AUDIENCE: Ooh!
:03:16. > :03:17.She just got told.
:03:17. > :03:19.It wasn't just body language.
:03:19. > :03:23.Sarkozy said that Cameron behaved like a "petulant kid,"
:03:23. > :03:25.or an "obstinate kid."
:03:25. > :03:28.He's a rude little man, and so pleased with himself.
:03:28. > :03:33.He can look at the French people, square in the face, and say, "That's the sort of chap I am."
:03:33. > :03:34.Is it wrong to say Sarkozy
:03:34. > :03:37.finds it quite hard to look anybody in the face?
:03:37. > :03:40.Looks them square in the knee.
:03:40. > :03:43.Absolutely! Now, all of Europe was fed up with Britain after the summit.
:03:43. > :03:46.What did German MP, Alexander Graf Lamsdorff,
:03:46. > :03:48.have to say about the row?
:03:48. > :03:52.GERMAN ACCENT: "This time we win."
:03:52. > :03:55.He said:
:03:55. > :03:57.It is a bit unfair.
:03:57. > :04:00.After all, invading Poland wasn't such a brilliant idea,
:04:00. > :04:02.but we don't bang on about it, do we?
:04:02. > :04:04.Yes, we do!
:04:04. > :04:08.So, how was Cameron referred to by one French diplomat?
:04:08. > :04:11.You've mentioned, obviously, that Sarkozy said he was an "obstinate kid".
:04:11. > :04:13.I don't know what that is in French.
:04:13. > :04:16.FRENCH ACCENT: Obstinate kid.
:04:16. > :04:19.I bow to your greater linguistic skill!
:04:19. > :04:23.I'm teaching a language course at the moment. Very easy.
:04:23. > :04:26.So far, we've had French and German. Impressive. It's very easy.
:04:26. > :04:29."A man who goes to a wife-swapping party..."
:04:29. > :04:32.FRENCH ACCENT: "..without taking his wife."
:04:32. > :04:35.That's a classic French insult, isn't it?
:04:35. > :04:39.And also, I've tried that.They don't even let you in the door.
:04:39. > :04:40.It's a definition of optimism.
:04:40. > :04:43.Attending a wife-swapping party? Without a wife.
:04:43. > :04:46.You been to lots of those, Nick?
:04:46. > :04:49.No... That's how we met, isn't it? Do you remember?
:04:49. > :04:51.I'm having a little stab at it, though.
:04:52. > :04:55.It is an optimistic thing to do. I remember that as well.
:04:55. > :04:59.So, Friday morning, go through the chronology of this.
:04:59. > :05:01.Friday morning, Nick Clegg gets a call.
:05:01. > :05:04.And says, "Yes, there was no other option. We had to use the veto."
:05:05. > :05:08.By Sunday, he's "bitterly disappointed."
:05:08. > :05:11.What's happened in that three days?
:05:11. > :05:14.We should hear from the horse's mouth.
:05:14. > :05:19.This is Nick Clegg talking to Andrew Marr about that fated incident.
:05:19. > :05:23.Can I ask you, during those nine hours of negotiation late into the night,
:05:23. > :05:27.at any point, did the Prime Minister call you and speak to you about it directly?
:05:27. > :05:31.I spoke to the Prime Minister after- the summit was concluded, of course.
:05:31. > :05:33.So not during the negotiations themselves?
:05:33. > :05:36.Of course not. He was locked in a nocturnal negotiation.
:05:36. > :05:42.I was locked in my flat in Sheffield.
:05:42. > :05:45.So he's been "locked in his flat in Sheffield",
:05:45. > :05:49.but in case we're worried as to exactly what happened, thankfully,
:05:49. > :05:52.Channel 4 News staged a reconstruction of what happened that evening.
:05:52. > :05:53.Fantastic!
:05:53. > :05:57.Early that morning, Mr Cleggwas in his Sheffield constituency.
:05:57. > :06:00.PHONE RINGS
:06:00. > :06:05.He had approved the government's negotiating position for the European summit,
:06:05. > :06:14.but at 4am, he was woken by a call from Brussels.
:06:14. > :06:18.Hello?
:06:18. > :06:20.What?!
:06:20. > :06:24.So somebody said, "We've got an actor, but he doesn't look anything like Nick Clegg."
:06:24. > :06:29."Fine. Put a sheet over his head, and let the foot do the acting."
:06:29. > :06:33.Do we know who was Cameron's role model throughout these EU negotiations?
:06:33. > :06:34.Enoch Powell.
:06:34. > :06:38.It was Enoch Powell who suggested or thought that
:06:38. > :06:40.if you spoke with a full bladder, dying to go,
:06:40. > :06:44.that you gave your words a sense of urgency,
:06:44. > :06:48.and apparently Cameron did this, had a full bladder while he was negotiating.
:06:48. > :06:49.He was desperate to go to the loo.
:06:50. > :06:58.It's true that Enoch Powell actually said:
:06:58. > :07:01.That was in his famous "Rivers of Piss" speech.
:07:01. > :07:05.So we've done Friday, all through the weekend. Now he's changed his mind.
:07:05. > :07:09.Nick Clegg goes missing when Cameron comes to the Commons to defend his decision.
:07:10. > :07:12.Why was that?
:07:12. > :07:16.He said he didn't turn up because he thought it would be a "distraction".
:07:16. > :07:20.And that everyone might laugh at him, which again is one of the few things he got right.
:07:20. > :07:24.But he's not a distraction. He's Nick Clegg.
:07:24. > :07:28.If David Cameron turned up with Rihanna, I'd probably be looking at Rihanna.
:07:28. > :07:32.But Nick Clegg could turn up to the House of Commons, completely naked,
:07:32. > :07:36.save for a lit flare in front of his manhood, and Istill wouldn't even know who he was.
:07:36. > :07:40.But you'd never forget him, though, would you? No, I wouldn't forget him!
:07:40. > :07:43.So, Ed Miliband tries to put Cameron on the spot in the Commons,
:07:43. > :07:46.and at one point, Miliband told the Speaker, "I haven't finished with him yet."
:07:46. > :07:50.Yes. How did Cameron and Osborne react to this threat?
:07:50. > :07:53.Did they go, "Oooooh!"?
:07:53. > :07:55.Make those sort of noises?
:07:55. > :07:59.It's the Geoffrey Howe sort of argument again,
:07:59. > :08:01.being beaten with a dead sheep.
:08:01. > :08:06.An attack by Miliband is a dead mouse, probably. Really? Yeah.
:08:06. > :08:08.Have you met Ed Miliband?
:08:08. > :08:13.I have. Tall, arrogant, weak handshake. That's it.
:08:13. > :08:16.APPLAUSE
:08:16. > :08:19.And I'm a Labour voter. Would you have voted for his brother, then?
:08:19. > :08:23.I didn't meet the brother, but I met some of the others. Oh, dear.
:08:23. > :08:27.So the Daily Mail have accused the BBC of not being impartial,
:08:27. > :08:37.and the Mail's impartial lead story- on the front page of their paper read as follows:
:08:37. > :08:41.
:08:41. > :08:45.The Daily Mail are writing stuff like that, cos they must feel weird
:08:45. > :08:47.cos there's nothing to hate about.
:08:47. > :08:50.There's all this anti-European stuff going round, they don't know what to do.
:08:51. > :08:53.Jan Moir's probably sat at her desk
:08:53. > :08:59.praying that Elton John dies in suspicious circumstances.
:08:59. > :09:05.He just needs to die - she'll manufacture the suspicious circumstances!
:09:05. > :09:11.One thing's for sure, come Eurovision Song Contest, we're screwed. Yeah.
:09:11. > :09:13.They hated us as it was,
:09:13. > :09:18.and now we could resurrect The Beatles and send them, we'd still get nul points!
:09:18. > :09:23.Is that such a bad thing? I do like the Eurovision Song Contest.
:09:23. > :09:26.I get annoyed cos they always say it's political as well.
:09:26. > :09:29.Now it'll get even more so.I reckon we just go tough on them.
:09:29. > :09:32.Moldova say, "We're only sending you two points this year."
:09:32. > :09:35."Well, fine, we're sending you two of them Tomahawk missiles."
:09:35. > :09:39.Just as soon as we find out where the hell you are.
:09:39. > :09:44.I went to Moldova once. Oh, yes?
:09:44. > :09:46.APPLAUSE
:09:46. > :09:48.Moldova is the place
:09:49. > :09:54.where the Terylene eiderdownthat slips off the bed still exists.
:09:54. > :09:57.You know those terrible things? I thought you were being nostalgic!
:09:57. > :10:01.You put the eiderdown on,and it goes straight onto the floor.- Even that doesn't want to be there.
:10:02. > :10:06.Politics as normal goes on. We catch up with Adam Werritty. Do you remember Adam Werritty?
:10:06. > :10:10.He was Dr Fox's friend. He gave an interview to the Spectator this week.
:10:10. > :10:14.Amongst other things, we found out what his plans are for New Year's Eve.
:10:14. > :10:17.He's going to spend it with the Foxes. Yes, he is!
:10:17. > :10:19.They're very forgiving.
:10:19. > :10:24.Is he a friend of Dr Fox's, like William Hague had that friend?
:10:24. > :10:29.You should have a chat to our lawyer about that one!
:10:29. > :10:32.How do you spell innuendo?
:10:32. > :10:37.You're doing Countdown, you should brush up on these things.
:10:37. > :10:43.Don't talk to me about that. I see all these letters...
:10:43. > :10:45.I think, "Oh, my God,"
:10:45. > :10:49.and I get "cat". Yes.
:10:49. > :10:53.And then some kid says, "cataclysmic".
:10:53. > :10:55.Yeah. There's only nine letters, isn't there?
:10:55. > :10:59.I don't know.
:10:59. > :11:03.Yes, he is indeed. He's going to be round at the Foxes'.
:11:03. > :11:10.It's just staggering how naive some of these senior politicians can be.
:11:10. > :11:12.Yes, he is indeed. He's going to be round at the Foxes'.
:11:12. > :11:16.It's just staggering how naive some of these senior politicians can be.
:11:16. > :11:20.Staggering. And then Cameronbrings in Coulson into Number Ten.
:11:20. > :11:24.The sort of bloke you wouldn't have in the house.
:11:24. > :11:25.APPLAUSE
:11:25. > :11:28.Samantha Cameron was spotted shopping this week.
:11:28. > :11:31.Does anyone know where she went to make purchases?
:11:31. > :11:34.She went to IKEA. This was an austerity bid, wasn't it?
:11:34. > :11:37.She bought some flat-packs, and we're meant to believe
:11:37. > :11:40.that her and David lay them all out- and count the number of screws,
:11:40. > :11:42.and say, "Look, there's one missing there."
:11:42. > :11:47.There's pictures of her, she's posed. It was a set-up! Of course!
:11:47. > :11:50.Because they've just spent 80,000 quid on curtains or something,
:11:50. > :11:54.and someone said, "Get down to IKEA and make it look as though you're like the rest of us."
:11:54. > :11:56.You're so cynical, Nick!
:11:56. > :12:02.You're going to tell us some of those apprentices are really quite good! They are!
:12:02. > :12:06.They're not, you know!
:12:06. > :12:12.I'll die for them! Would you?
:12:12. > :12:16.Is it cos Sweden's one of the few countries that are with us
:12:16. > :12:18.with this whole anti-Europe thing?
:12:18. > :12:24.So, trying to keep them sweet, going to IKEA, buying up a bit of that. Thinking.
:12:24. > :12:27.Thinking ahead. 12 points coming our way! Yes, get in!
:12:27. > :12:29.APPLAUSE
:12:29. > :12:33.But it wasn't all doom and gloom. On a positive note,
:12:33. > :12:37.this is what Andrew Neil was doing on his Politics Show this week.
:12:37. > :12:42.We leave you with news that the music for the 2012 Opening Ceremony
:12:42. > :12:47.will be overseen by a techno-rave outfit called Underworld,
:12:47. > :12:51.who famously provided the soundtrack to Trainspotting.
:12:51. > :12:55.Remember that? That was a gutter story of illegal drug-taking
:12:56. > :12:58.on an Olympic scale.
:12:58. > :12:59.Nighty-night.
:13:00. > :13:04.Don't let the performance-enhancing substances bite.
:13:04. > :13:10.MUSIC: "Born Slippy" by Underworld
:13:10. > :13:15.Oh, no!
:13:15. > :13:25.Nurse! Nurse! Make them stop!
:13:25. > :13:31.
:13:31. > :13:34.NICK: Extraordinary.
:13:34. > :13:38.My wife used to go out with him. What?!
:13:38. > :13:41.APPLAUSE
:13:41. > :13:45.This is David Cameron's Christmas bonus for the bankers,
:13:45. > :13:50.with his brave refusal to allow Europe to make them pay for the mess they've caused.
:13:50. > :13:53.Not that we're taking sides. When asked about Nick Clegg's
:13:53. > :13:58.conspicuous absence in the House of Commons, David Cameron replied:
:13:58. > :14:00.He should never have let him off the lead.
:14:00. > :14:03.It's only a matter of time before there's a YouTube video
:14:03. > :14:06.of Cameron in Richmond Park, shouting,
:14:06. > :14:13."Cleggy! Cleggy! Jesus Christ! Cleggy!"
:14:13. > :14:18.Party leaders sent out their Christmas cards.
:14:18. > :14:20.Nick Clegg's card depicted himself as a snowman.
:14:20. > :14:24.An appropriate choice, as he won't last beyond January either.
:14:24. > :14:26.Paul and Nick, take a look at this.
:14:27. > :14:31.Scandalous. These are glove puppets we're looking at.
:14:31. > :14:33.Those are small children inside.
:14:33. > :14:36.There's the lovely David Attenborough, with a bee on his finger.
:14:36. > :14:38.That's a bogey. Is it?
:14:38. > :14:42.When you said that, the Director General of the BBC came up. Was that deliberate?
:14:42. > :14:45.What happened was that it's impossible to get footage
:14:45. > :14:48.of newly-born cubs in the den with the polar bear
:14:48. > :14:51.because the polar bear would kill the cameraman or the cubs,
:14:51. > :14:56.so they had a shot of a polar bear and some cubs in a specially built shelter
:14:56. > :15:00.that had been built in a Dutch wildlife park, and used that material.
:15:00. > :15:04.Some people said they felt cheated by this. There were 32 people.
:15:04. > :15:08.In the age of Twitter, 32 people complained, out of 8 million that watched Frozen Planet.
:15:08. > :15:12.And one who complained was the polar bear.
:15:12. > :15:13.He said, "He was nowhere near me, I didn't see any cameras."
:15:13. > :15:15.INDISTINCT
:15:16. > :15:20.Last thing you want to do is sneak up on a polar beer with its cubs. No.
:15:20. > :15:23.I've seen human women giving birth get pretty annoyed.
:15:23. > :15:26.A polar beer, I imagine, would be apoplectic.
:15:26. > :15:28.I was a bit disappointed.
:15:28. > :15:31.He said afterwards, "We're making movies!"
:15:31. > :15:33.I thought, "No, you're making a documentary,"
:15:33. > :15:37.and the point of that is that they've gone to the wild and filmed that.
:15:37. > :15:39.If I found out that crocodile had jumped up
:15:39. > :15:42.and attacked the wildebeest crossing the river,
:15:42. > :15:45.and they said, "Oh, that was in Scunthorpe,
:15:45. > :15:48."we did that in a zoo..." You wouldn't be disappointed
:15:48. > :15:51.to find that happened in Scunthorpe. You'd be intrigued.
:15:51. > :15:54.I'd be thrilled, you're right.
:15:54. > :15:56.I'm with Mr Merton.
:15:57. > :15:59.Are you? I know you are, you're sitting over there.
:15:59. > :16:02.Not least because my wife comes from Scunthorpe.
:16:02. > :16:04.Yes, exactly.
:16:04. > :16:07.And that's where she met Andrew Neil - in a wildlife park, wasn't it?
:16:07. > :16:12.This is the piece of footage that we're arguing about. Yes.
:16:12. > :16:22.On these side slopes, beneath the snow, new lives are beginning.
:16:22. > :16:29.
:16:29. > :16:34.The cubs are born blind and tiny.
:16:34. > :16:38.An early birth is easier on the mother, who is barely awake.
:16:38. > :16:41.And in the Netherlands! Yes!
:16:41. > :16:46.A polar bear is a polar bear. People are reacting like they've talced a cat.
:16:46. > :16:51.So Sir David Attenborough was voted Britain's what five years ago?
:16:51. > :16:55.Most trusted man. He was. Which is odd, as now we know
:16:55. > :16:57.he's a pathological liar.
:16:57. > :17:07.One online commentator has said this to the BBC:
:17:07. > :17:10.
:17:10. > :17:14.Do you know what the bears involved in the scandal are up to now?
:17:14. > :17:19.They've got a few adverts. Glaciers mints, yeah.
:17:19. > :17:22.Huggies, the mother, she's had more babies.
:17:22. > :17:25.One of the cubs in the programme has his own show
:17:25. > :17:28.at a wildlife park in Inverness in Scotland.
:17:28. > :17:31.And...the other cub is doing fine as well.
:17:31. > :17:35.LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
:17:35. > :17:38.David Attenborough made it into soup.
:17:39. > :17:42."This delicious bear!"
:17:42. > :17:49.What did Mark Thompson attribute the newspaper fury about the pandas to?
:17:49. > :17:51.He said it was revenge for Leveson,
:17:51. > :17:54.cos the BBC's been saying the papers have behaved badly
:17:54. > :17:56.and they've been keen to find something
:17:56. > :17:58.where the BBC's behaved badly.
:17:58. > :18:04.Mark Thompson did wonder:
:18:04. > :18:10.Back at the press inquiries, what was handed to the Select Committee inquiry into phone hacking?
:18:10. > :18:12.Was this the e-mail to James Murdoch which he didn't read?
:18:12. > :18:16.Yes. He said he received it and it said, "There's loads of reporters
:18:16. > :18:17."hacking people,"
:18:17. > :18:18.but he didn't get that far.
:18:18. > :18:21.When you're chief executive
:18:21. > :18:25.of a company and the lawyer writes to you and says there's trouble, you don't read it(!)
:18:25. > :18:28.No. It was the weekend, as he said. Saturday.
:18:28. > :18:31.He can't work seven days a week. Give the guy a break.
:18:31. > :18:35.I think the Leveson Inquiry would be so much better if it was
:18:35. > :18:39.conducted by Nick and Alan Sugar. Them sat there,
:18:39. > :18:42.Nick giving the death stare eyes, that cold gaze.
:18:42. > :18:45.Alan Sugar wagging the finger shouting at them
:18:45. > :18:48.and Karren Brady could patronise them.
:18:48. > :18:50.That's a bit unfair.
:18:50. > :18:55."She's very sharp," he said, covering his arse.
:18:55. > :18:59.LAUGHTER
:18:59. > :19:03.This is the news that the BBC didn't send a cameraman into
:19:03. > :19:06.minus 60 degrees to poke a long pole with a camera attached
:19:06. > :19:08.into a polar bear den, endangering their life
:19:09. > :19:11.and the lives of the polar bears.
:19:11. > :19:14.Not that we're taking sides. The row has damaged the reputation
:19:15. > :19:17.of the BBC, but that will be nothing compared
:19:17. > :19:21.to the scandal when ITV viewers find out those aren't real meerkats.
:19:21. > :19:24.Also this week, the infamous News Of The World reporter
:19:24. > :19:28.Mazher Mahmood has been giving evidence to the Leveson Inquiry.
:19:28. > :19:32.During his tabloid career, he entrapped dozens of celebrities by dressing up as a:
:19:32. > :19:35.He is still in work,
:19:35. > :19:38.dressing up as a polar bear for BBC documentaries.
:19:38. > :19:43.Now, Round Two, the Large Hadron Collider of news.
:19:43. > :19:47.We fire high-speed news particles at each other and analyse the results.
:19:47. > :19:49.Buzz in when you know what it is.
:19:49. > :19:53.BUZZER
:19:53. > :19:58.OK, Paul and Nick? That's the Hadron Collider. Yes.
:19:58. > :20:02.It's this Higgs boson particle,
:20:02. > :20:05.which... I don't understand it, not many people do.
:20:05. > :20:07.They have an idea it's in the vicinity.
:20:07. > :20:09.They're not sure exactly where it is.
:20:10. > :20:12.They know roughly where it is.
:20:12. > :20:14.They're hoping it will emerge next year.
:20:14. > :20:17.In a flat in Sheffield? Yeah.
:20:17. > :20:21.The Times says the scientists have had:
:20:21. > :20:23.What is the indication? What is it?
:20:23. > :20:30.Is it a disembodied voice? "I am the Higgs boson, you cannot find me."
:20:30. > :20:33.Why was that Swedish?
:20:33. > :20:35.They use a particular analogy.
:20:35. > :20:39.It's an analogy between Margaret Thatcher and the Higgs boson.
:20:39. > :20:49.I know, I see your horror there. This is used by scientists. It says:
:20:49. > :20:54.
:20:54. > :20:57.This is obviously pre-Eric Pickles.
:20:57. > :21:04.LAUGHTER
:21:04. > :21:08.What happens next is a rumour is started and passes
:21:08. > :21:17.through the room:
:21:17. > :21:21.I don't understand it!
:21:21. > :21:22.I went to a party where she was once.
:21:23. > :21:27.Yes! Was she carrying a lot of mass at the time?
:21:27. > :21:29.A big handbag. That will be it.
:21:29. > :21:33.If you don't understand this, we've got Professor Steve Jones,
:21:33. > :21:36.one of the Telegraph's science correspondents.
:21:36. > :21:43.What he had to say on the subject on Wednesday:
:21:43. > :21:46.That's good. Yeah. That's refreshing.
:21:46. > :21:49.Elsewhere in science,
:21:49. > :21:52.Radio 4 has asked listeners to submit fiendish questions
:21:52. > :21:56.to put to Stephen Hawking in its most cerebral quiz ever.
:21:56. > :21:58.A lot of the questions can be seen online.
:21:58. > :22:04.Shall we have a go at a couple? Why not?
:22:04. > :22:08.Yes. Yes. But they'd be behind you.
:22:08. > :22:12.It's one of those things you used to get at school.
:22:12. > :22:17."If it takes a man five days to run a bath,
:22:17. > :22:24.how many apples, and a bunch of grapes?" I don't know.
:22:24. > :22:24.Ask him. I don't know. Why bother me? I wouldn't know.
:22:24. > :22:26.Eamonn Holmes.
:22:26. > :22:30.At a rate of knots. Constellations are disappearing daily.
:22:30. > :22:32.Yeah. Is the correct answer.
:22:32. > :22:42.What exam board do you represent again?
:22:42. > :22:42.
:22:42. > :22:46...says the professor very succinctly.
:22:46. > :22:47.Fingers on buzzers.
:22:47. > :22:50.Here's another one. Buzz when you know what it is.
:22:50. > :22:51.BELL
:22:51. > :22:53.Mr Goodwin. Yes. Has he had a leg removed
:22:53. > :22:56.for crimes against the state?
:22:56. > :23:01.You couldn't get a picture that made- you look like more of a banker.
:23:01. > :23:02.Banker.
:23:02. > :23:05.The Financial Services Authority have produced a report
:23:05. > :23:08.on how Royal Bank of Scotland collapsed.
:23:08. > :23:11.They've come to the conclusion that it was his fault.
:23:11. > :23:13.He tried to buy a Dutch bank.
:23:13. > :23:16.Everyone said, "Don't buy the bank,
:23:16. > :23:16."because they have real problems."
:23:16. > :23:19.He said, "No, I think it will work out well."
:23:19. > :23:21.The rest of the board said "Good idea.
:23:22. > :23:26."We'll do whatever you say and take- the cheque." It went belly up.
:23:26. > :23:30.The bank was bailed out by us to the tune of 46 billion quid,
:23:30. > :23:35.26,000 people were robbed of their jobs, and it helped to bring the economy to its knees.
:23:35. > :23:38.The answer to this would be to ask your old mucker Mr Sugar, would it not, Nick?
:23:38. > :23:42.Lord Sugar. Lord Sugar. Do you think so?
:23:42. > :23:44.What was the question?
:23:44. > :23:47.It's like Countdown. Wake up!
:23:47. > :23:51.Just because the audience is asleep doesn't mean you can be.
:23:51. > :23:55.What a terrible thing to say about the Countdown audience.
:23:55. > :23:58.Some of them are still alive. Honestly(!)
:23:58. > :24:01.I think the answer to all the recession stuff would be to ask
:24:01. > :24:03.Nick's old boss, Lord Sugar.
:24:03. > :24:06.How does this region get out of recession?
:24:06. > :24:07.Oh, shit.
:24:07. > :24:11.LAUGHTER
:24:11. > :24:16.That's when he was a government spokesman. He was meant to help small businesses.
:24:16. > :24:18.They caught him off-guard. He wasn't feeling very well.
:24:19. > :24:21.He came back and gave a great, full explanation
:24:21. > :24:23.of what should have happened. How's that?
:24:23. > :24:26.Yeah(!) Pretty nauseating.
:24:26. > :24:30.Amongst the many people criticised in this report,
:24:30. > :24:32.Sir Fred Goodwin copped some flak.
:24:32. > :24:36.According to the Mirror, Sir Fred's- style could only be described as
:24:36. > :24:39."brutal", with the RBS executive wing known as "the torture chamber",
:24:39. > :24:43.where Goodwin would hold "morning beatings"
:24:43. > :24:46.every day at 9.30am to intimidate and humiliate executives.
:24:46. > :24:49.Morning beatings?! They used to say meetings,
:24:49. > :24:52.but terrified employees called them "morning beatings".
:24:52. > :24:56.So he didn't actually physically attack people every morning? No.
:24:56. > :24:59.He's not Max Mosley, for goodness' sake.
:24:59. > :25:03.You're flirting with danger, aren't you?
:25:03. > :25:05.What do we know about his engagement with his employees?
:25:05. > :25:07.He had an affair with one of them. Yes.
:25:08. > :25:11.He took out an injunction to try and stop anyone knowing.
:25:11. > :25:13.How did that go?
:25:13. > :25:15.I may have just broken it.
:25:15. > :25:19.The inquiry cleared just about everyone of everything.
:25:19. > :25:23.I'll tell you what, Sugar would have- got to the bottom of all this. That's Lord Sugar.
:25:23. > :25:33.Lord Sugar.APPLAUSE
:25:33. > :25:40.
:25:40. > :25:46.Time for the Missing Words round, which this week features as its guest publication
:25:46. > :25:50.In A Nutshell, the official magazine of the Squirrel Lovers' Club.
:25:51. > :25:54.Like squirrels themselves, it's not often READ.GROANING
:25:55. > :25:58.To be or not to be a squirrel, that is the question?
:25:58. > :26:00.JACK: To have my grandparents for Christmas
:26:01. > :26:03.or not to put up with racism for the next ten days.
:26:04. > :26:07.It's the classic yuletide dilemma. Yeah.
:26:07. > :26:09.Is that true of your grandparents? Yeah.
:26:09. > :26:11.Yeah.
:26:11. > :26:15.The answer is:
:26:15. > :26:19.This is the fierce debate raging amongst squirrel lovers
:26:19. > :26:21.currently coursing through the pages of In A Nutshell
:26:21. > :26:24.over the best way to feed the cute-looking, bushy-tailed roadkill.
:26:24. > :26:34.The same issue also features the following front-page apology.
:26:34. > :26:39.
:26:39. > :26:45.And that, News Of The World, is how you do an apology. Next:
:26:45. > :26:47.There's a train coming.
:26:47. > :26:53.It's actually:
:26:53. > :26:56.And of course, chuck-chuck-chuff-chuff-chuck
:26:56. > :27:00.is also Cilla Black after the Blind Date reunion party.
:27:00. > :27:06.And finally:
:27:06. > :27:13.I shoved an acorn up me arse.
:27:13. > :27:17.The weather's been pretty stormy this week. Here's a response from Scotland.
:27:17. > :27:21.Lord. Oh, my God! Trampoline!
:27:21. > :27:26.Trampoline!
:27:26. > :27:29.So, the final scores are
:27:29. > :27:31.Paul and Nick have four points,
:27:31. > :27:35.but Ian and Jack have five. Unbelievable! Unbelievable.
:27:35. > :27:40.SPEECH DROWNED BY APPLAUSE
:27:40. > :27:42.I'm very grateful.
:27:42. > :27:45.I leave you with news that, as the funfair comes to Mogadishu,
:27:45. > :27:51.it's a productive day on the rifle range for two Somali pirates.
:27:51. > :27:55.Unions brace themselves as Number Ten unveils a new advisor
:27:55. > :28:01.with responsibility for Work And Pensions reform.
:28:01. > :28:06.And as an inquiry is set up to investigate alleged faking of BBC wildlife documentaries,
:28:06. > :28:13.one key witness agrees to testify as long as she's granted anonymity.