:00:45. > :00:49.Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jo Brand. In the
:00:49. > :00:59.news this week: In Coventry, a small manufacturing firm is boosted
:00:59. > :01:02.
:01:02. > :01:08.about I a high profile customer for its new arse elbow separator.
:01:08. > :01:12.It's 27 hours into the longest ever final of musical chairs and all
:01:12. > :01:22.Britain's exhausted contestant has to do to clinch the title of world
:01:22. > :01:26.
:01:26. > :01:29.And after one garden shed burglary too many, the Godalming
:01:29. > :01:34.Neighboourhood Watch group get sheerious.
:01:34. > :01:38.-- serious. With Ian tonight is a comedian who
:01:38. > :01:43.says all the people who work at the BBC are really nice. Really? That's
:01:43. > :01:50.odd, all the people I ever worked with at the BBC tell me they
:01:50. > :01:55.couldn't stand you. Please welcome Humphrey Ker.
:01:55. > :01:58.Clapton -- With Paul is a comedy writer who
:01:58. > :02:03.recently created a new verse of The Ladykillers, where a sweet old lady
:02:03. > :02:13.finds herself surrounded by a gang of misfits. I know the feeling.
:02:13. > :02:18.Please welcome Natalie Lenton. -- Graham Linehan.
:02:18. > :02:24.And we start with the bigger stories of the week. Look at this:
:02:25. > :02:34.It's Abu Qatada. Surrounded by a miasma of hate. She's staying to
:02:34. > :02:37.become the next Archbishop of Canterbury. This is the week where
:02:37. > :02:42.the Government was keen to get back its reputation for competence and
:02:42. > :02:46.it didn't go so well. We announced we were going to get rid of Abu
:02:46. > :02:51.Qatada. He's off, on Tuesday. Today we find out, oh, we can't, because
:02:51. > :02:55.he's put in an appeal. The Home Office said he to appeal by Monday
:02:55. > :02:59.night and the European Court of Human Rights said, no it's Tuesday
:02:59. > :03:03.night. No-one appears to have checked. It's a classic diary error.
:03:03. > :03:09.We've all done it. Which day is the 17th? Monday I think. I'll check
:03:09. > :03:14.when I get home. Well a correct answer actually is when the court
:03:14. > :03:18.official who's actually set the deadline say it is. I notice his
:03:18. > :03:24.lawyers only put the appeal in one hour before the deadline. They just
:03:24. > :03:28.love living on the edge. I imagine it's in the a lot of fun being a
:03:29. > :03:33.human rights lawyer. You've got to live vicariously when you have the
:03:34. > :03:38.chance. What Abu Qatada's done wrong is he's not got the right
:03:38. > :03:44.sort of PR behind him. If you could make him seem a bit more lovable,
:03:44. > :03:54.people might not be quite so keen to, I think get the cock niz to
:03:54. > :03:55.
:03:55. > :03:58.like him first. I'd like to have my own theme tune as well. We should
:03:58. > :04:02.all have one. What would yours be? I'd like the sound of broken
:04:02. > :04:10.tkphras followed by a high pitched female voice saying, "Leave it Dave,
:04:10. > :04:16.he's not worth it." Dow know how Abu Qatada has been described in
:04:16. > :04:24.the press? He's been described as Al-Qaeda's top man in Britain.
:04:24. > :04:31.Times described him as "radical Muslim cleric" the Sun as "hate
:04:31. > :04:35.preacher", the Daily Telegraph as Mr Qatada.
:04:35. > :04:41.The grand chamber of the European Court of Human Rights previously
:04:41. > :04:48.ruled he couldn't be sent home to Jordan as there was a likelihood
:04:48. > :04:56.that evidence obtained by torture against him. The government there
:04:56. > :05:03.send they would bend over backwards to ensure that no evidence gotten
:05:03. > :05:13.that way would be used. What have they accused Theresa May of?
:05:13. > :05:18.
:05:18. > :05:26.Dragging her heels. Here's the Because of that we missed the
:05:26. > :05:28.deadline. Meanwhile, what has the Libyan
:05:28. > :05:34.military commander Abdel Hakim Belhadj accused Jack Straw of
:05:34. > :05:38.doing? Sending him after Gaddafi to be tortured. He was basically a
:05:39. > :05:42.gift to Gaddafi. Blir and Straw needed a present for their
:05:42. > :05:52.favourite dictator, you know, maybe they'd get one in return, oil
:05:52. > :05:52.
:05:52. > :05:55.rights or a bun when you leave office. That won't go in.
:05:55. > :06:00.Extraordinary suggesting that Mr Blair has made a huge amount of
:06:00. > :06:09.money since leaving a blood stained period when he was in charge. I do
:06:09. > :06:12.this man is suing Straw personally and he might win. We could find out
:06:12. > :06:18.what happened in the Blair years, which is quite exciting. For some
:06:18. > :06:23.of us. I've had my house extraordinarily rendered.
:06:23. > :06:27.LAUGHTER Or stone clad as the builder called
:06:27. > :06:30.it. The rendition of Belhadj took place just before Tony Blair met
:06:30. > :06:35.Gaddafi for the deal in the desert. According to the Sunday Times he
:06:35. > :06:42.had no recollection of the Belhadj case and went on to ask "What war
:06:42. > :06:46.in Iraq? "In other terrorism news, I'm sorry, we have to plough this
:06:46. > :06:56.furrow further, not for long. all for it. We'll have a big knob
:06:56. > :07:03.on in a minute. What's that? Paul, I don't know, I just said knob to
:07:03. > :07:07.lighten the atmosphere. I thought it was a marathon all into one word.
:07:07. > :07:12.That was the only way I would watch the Olympics. What? If there was a
:07:12. > :07:16.knob on. In other terrorism news, I'm not going to do this, but a
:07:16. > :07:20.Taliban commander has been arrested. Was this as a result of a
:07:20. > :07:25.complicated undercover operation? The odds of that must surely be no.
:07:25. > :07:30.The answer surely is no. Mohammad Ashan walked up to the checkpoint,
:07:30. > :07:38.held up a wanted poster bearing his own face and demanded the $100
:07:38. > :07:44.finder's fee. That is a classic mistake.
:07:44. > :07:47.should have held out for $200. official declared, clearly the man
:07:47. > :07:51.is an imbecile. How are we getting on with the
:07:51. > :07:55.noise of the broken glass for my noise. I don't know, is that coming
:07:56. > :08:01.along? No. Who would like to see the next
:08:02. > :08:05.President of the World Bank in action? Yes! No, I wouldn't.
:08:05. > :08:15.His name is Jim Yong Kim and Obama has just announced his appointment
:08:15. > :08:16.
:08:16. > :08:19.as head of the World Bank. It's in # I've had the time of my life
:08:19. > :08:29.# And I've never felt this way before
:08:29. > :08:30.
:08:30. > :08:40.# And I swear it's the truth # And I owe it all to you #
:08:40. > :08:44.
:08:45. > :08:52.Half man, half pillar box. A real banker. He's down with the interest
:08:52. > :08:57.rates. APPLAUSE
:08:57. > :09:03.What's he in charge of? The World Bank. He's in charge of all the
:09:03. > :09:08.money? So Abu Qatada has got his own theme tune.
:09:08. > :09:15.And now we've got lined up for you what you suggested earlier. What
:09:15. > :09:19.was yours again? I'd like the sound of a goat doing franc Sinatra.
:09:19. > :09:25.Singing My Way while being pushed through Swansea in a pram.
:09:25. > :09:30.LAUGHTER Have you got it? I'd like it to be
:09:30. > :09:40.a lorry driving through Cornwall. APPLAUSE
:09:40. > :09:40.
:09:40. > :09:45.On a Wednesday. Have you got it? this is the latest attempt to
:09:46. > :09:50.deport Abu Qatada. Explaining his decision to jail Qatada, the judge
:09:50. > :09:53.said "There is a real possibility he will abscond." Yes, the last
:09:53. > :09:59.thing we want him to do is leave the country.
:09:59. > :10:04.LAUGHTER Theresa May is looking for ways of
:10:04. > :10:07.speeding up Qatada's extradition and says she will be "examining the
:10:07. > :10:12.processes and procedures used in Italy". Where they're much tougher.
:10:12. > :10:16.Any trouble and you're on the first cruise ship out of there.
:10:16. > :10:20.Talking about his past, the Sun found a school friend who told them
:10:20. > :10:25.Qatada was a normal young man. He was interested in girls and
:10:25. > :10:29.listened to Pink Floyd. So very normal, except with him the girls
:10:29. > :10:35.got stoned after they listened to Pink Floyd.
:10:35. > :10:38.LAUGHTER Paul and Graham, look at this:
:10:38. > :10:42.is 100 days to go. These are visitors at the Olympic Stadium.
:10:42. > :10:47.What the bloody hell is going on here? That's a very bad camera
:10:47. > :10:53.that's been used bit BBC. You can't see what's happened. This is the
:10:53. > :10:55.Olympic Games, 97 days to go or if you're watching on a Dave three
:10:55. > :11:00.years ago, and what an extraordinary Games they turned out
:11:00. > :11:05.to be. Yeah, this is the news that it's
:11:05. > :11:08.not long till the Olympics or as it's known in the Independent, the
:11:09. > :11:14.�11 billion tax funded advertising campaign for some of the world's
:11:14. > :11:20.worst companies. APPLAUSE
:11:20. > :11:26.Does anyone know why that VT was pixillated at the end? It's copy
:11:26. > :11:32.writed. That's right. Beneath that there is the Olympic rings. In some
:11:32. > :11:40.cultures the rings are considered pornographic. I think that's what's
:11:40. > :11:46.under there. Are you going to unpixillate it?
:11:46. > :11:50.I'm not going to chance it. It's pixillated because we can't show
:11:50. > :11:54.the Olympic logo because it comes under the remit of two acts of
:11:54. > :12:01.Parliament preventing misuse of Olympic logos. We could have got
:12:01. > :12:07.permission, but I would have had to jump through all sorts of hoops.
:12:07. > :12:10.Didn't they go into the toilets, in China and if you get a hand drier
:12:10. > :12:14.they have to put sticky tape over the name of the company who do the
:12:14. > :12:19.hand driers. They're doing that here, yes in the toilets, soap
:12:19. > :12:23.dispensers, wash basins. You can't take in any drifrpbs or product
:12:23. > :12:29.that isn't sponsored, which will be tough for the Queen. Why? She's a
:12:29. > :12:34.brand. I see what you mean. I thought you meant she like aid
:12:34. > :12:38.McDonald's burger. She's having a full Adidas tracksuit run up as we
:12:38. > :12:41.speak. The athletes aren't allowed to tweet. There's hard core
:12:41. > :12:46.guidelines about what they can say about what they're doing, like they
:12:46. > :12:51.can't say, oh, I'm so thirsty, I love water. It has to be like I
:12:51. > :12:54.love super action megawater. Isn't there something about local
:12:54. > :12:59.businesses like the Olympic kebab grill or something that's been
:12:59. > :13:05.forced to change its name in case people think, I wonder if that's
:13:05. > :13:09.the official kebab shop of the Olympic Games. The Olympic cafe in
:13:09. > :13:14.Stratford was told he couldn't use the name and he'd have to change
:13:14. > :13:24.the sign. It would have cost three grand to change it. So he decided
:13:24. > :13:29.
:13:29. > :13:35.to make the necessary alterations That's very good. He's painted the
:13:35. > :13:43."O" out. The cafe Olympic is excellent value at 61 West Ham lane
:13:43. > :13:47.Stratford. Now there's... Dow have to book? You probably do now.
:13:47. > :13:52.Little Chef were told they should consider changing the name of their
:13:52. > :13:57.Olympic breakfast. No, really? as it was unhelpful to the 2012
:13:57. > :14:03.Olympics. Quite unhelpful describing it as breakfast. There
:14:03. > :14:08.it is. That's a magnificent effort. Bacon, eggs, mushrooms, sausage,
:14:08. > :14:13.tomatoes and beans or as I call it the modern heptathalon. Who won't
:14:13. > :14:22.be able to accept his invitation to the opening ceremony? It's me. I'm
:14:22. > :14:27.going to be washing my hair. Does that take all day? Would can't
:14:27. > :14:31.come? The Who's drummer Keith Moon. His mannier was asked by the
:14:31. > :14:36.organisers if he would take part in a reunion with the other members of
:14:36. > :14:41.the band, despite having been dead for 34 years.
:14:41. > :14:46.Doesn't stop the rolling stones! Wouldn't put it past Keith though.
:14:46. > :14:51.Did you see that documentary where he was so out of it, that he was
:14:51. > :14:57.playing the drums and he just starts kind of nodding off. A roady
:14:57. > :15:06.had to crawl onto the stage and inject his heel with amfet mins and
:15:06. > :15:08.he went... Back to life. Like the rabbit with the long lasting
:15:08. > :15:15.batteries. BBC coverage of the Olympics will no longer include
:15:15. > :15:20.what? Rings. Well, sadly, the coverage of the Olympics will no
:15:20. > :15:24.longer include Ceefax, which was shut down this week. I found out
:15:24. > :15:31.that Diana died on Ceefax. I still don't know how she died because the
:15:31. > :15:36.second page hasn't loaded yet. This is the marking of 100 days to
:15:36. > :15:41.go till the Olympics start. Even more excitingly, 116 till it's all
:15:41. > :15:47.over. And then we can sit back and enjoy the hundreds of years of
:15:47. > :15:50.legacy which is Lord Coe's fancy word for debt. The closing ceremony
:15:50. > :15:56.will feature songs which represent different eras of British music.
:15:56. > :15:59.According to the Independent an invitation to the Sex Pistols to
:15:59. > :16:05.represent punk has been declined, as it clashes with the filming of
:16:05. > :16:13.Johnny Rotten's latest butter advert. And so to round two. It's a
:16:13. > :16:16.welcome return to the picture spin quiz. Fingers on buzzers.
:16:16. > :16:23.That's pippa Middleton, with a gun. That's pippa Middleton, with a gun.
:16:23. > :16:28.So it is. She's not holding the gun. Nicely focused picture for someone
:16:28. > :16:33.about to be shot. The name's Middleton. This is in Paris. We
:16:33. > :16:37.presume it's a mock gun. It's unclear. Someone in the car worked
:16:37. > :16:47.for the gun manufacturing company called heckler and cock. Heckler
:16:47. > :16:49.
:16:49. > :16:56.and cock? That sounds like a rather rough vasectomy clinic. I think she
:16:56. > :17:01.had an experience like that at the comedy store. You couldn't go on
:17:01. > :17:06.for the second half. At the weekend it was considered slightly
:17:06. > :17:10.distasteful -- tasteful. He got the gun out from the -- distasteful. He
:17:10. > :17:15.got the gun out and wave today around at the paparazzi, in a good
:17:15. > :17:18.humoured threat "You might die". What could the punishment be if the
:17:18. > :17:23.gun turns out to be real? Seven years. In prison for all parties
:17:23. > :17:32.involved. Everyone in the car? Really. You're looking really
:17:32. > :17:36.chirpy now. Really? That would be a first. We'd have to extradite pippa.
:17:36. > :17:45.Apparently, the case is being dealt with at according to the Express, a
:17:45. > :17:49.very high level. Way over Sarkozy's head then.
:17:49. > :17:54.This is the news that pippa Middleton has been driving through
:17:54. > :18:00.Paris with a French Playboy brandishing a gun. Now it's Pippa's
:18:00. > :18:04.turn to be upstaged by an arse. Kate and Pippa's brother James has
:18:04. > :18:08.been revealed to be running a saucy cake business. He insists he's a
:18:08. > :18:12.self--made man and recently said nothing is handed to anyone on a
:18:12. > :18:16.plate. He clearly knows nothing about cakes then.
:18:16. > :18:19.Speaking of cakes, the Swedish culture minister was in trouble
:18:19. > :18:26.this week, after being photographed cutting into an allegedly racist
:18:26. > :18:32.cake. The cake was designed to highlight abuse of women and was
:18:32. > :18:42.shaped like a naked black woman. Honestly, even Mr Kipling stopped
:18:42. > :18:43.
:18:43. > :18:47.making those in the 1970s. Fingers on buzzers. Somebody has
:18:47. > :18:52.invented a TV channel for dogs, where dogs have nothing to do and
:18:52. > :18:55.you think, I wish he could watch a TV programme and somebody's done it.
:18:55. > :19:00.It's dogs looking at pictures of other dogs, balls being chased,
:19:00. > :19:07.loads of trees, dogs look at it and they are happy. It's Dog TV all the
:19:07. > :19:13.way. It is indeed. APPLAUSE
:19:13. > :19:18.According to Sky News Dog TV is an on-demand cable TV pro Graeme...
:19:18. > :19:21.who, a labrador insists on watching Gone With The Wind? Before
:19:21. > :19:28.launching the channel, scientists conducted hundreds of hours of
:19:29. > :19:31.research into what dogs like to see and hear. Any idea what they might
:19:32. > :19:35.have concluded? They're fond of David Dimbleby, particularly Jack
:19:35. > :19:41.Russells they like him very much. The smaller the dog, the more they
:19:41. > :19:45.lean towards Andrew Marr. I must say this about Andrew Marr,
:19:45. > :19:49.I've said it before, but I love there was a description of Andrew
:19:49. > :19:54.Marr that said Andrew Marr looks like Martin cluen was some of the
:19:54. > :19:58.air let out of him. -- cluens with some of the air let
:19:58. > :20:03.out of him. Any idea what programmes will appear on Dog TV?
:20:03. > :20:11.Yes, a load of made up programmes with dog puns in the title.
:20:11. > :20:17.Britain's got lampposts. All right sorry. Are these real? No. What
:20:17. > :20:20.about Down Boy Abbey? That's good. The channel takes its
:20:20. > :20:30.responsibilities very seriously. Only after the 9pm water shed does
:20:30. > :20:36.it show bottom sniffing. Fingers on buzzers.
:20:36. > :20:40.I know this one. This is a town in Austria that has an unfortunate
:20:41. > :20:45.name that astrisk and letter upside down letter should give you the
:20:45. > :20:49.idea. This is the village holding a vote this week on whether to hold
:20:49. > :20:59.its name. Dow know what's prompted the name change? Is it the name is
:20:59. > :20:59.
:20:59. > :21:01.(BLEEP). It only became a problem during the
:21:01. > :21:07.Second World War when American soldiers came in and started
:21:07. > :21:14.giggling all the time. Apparently some traditionalists want the 16th
:21:14. > :21:20.century name to the village reinstated which was Fugging.
:21:20. > :21:26.What's the potential problem? don't fugging know.
:21:26. > :21:35.According to the mayor, the only problem is we need all of the
:21:35. > :21:40.(BLEEP) residents to agree. The residents have been told to
:21:40. > :21:48.lighten up and cash in by the man who runs a guest house in the Swiss
:21:48. > :21:53.village of Bank. Mr Stohl added the guest house is full all year round.
:21:53. > :22:01.Single rooms only of course. It's time now for the odd one out round.
:22:01. > :22:03.Just one between you this week. Mitt Romney's dog, sigh series of
:22:03. > :22:09.ads claiming homosexuality is curable, a pheasant in
:22:09. > :22:13.Gloucestershire and a traffic cop in Vietnam. That poster, not gay,
:22:13. > :22:17.ex-gay, post gay, proud, get over it, was on the side of a bus or it
:22:17. > :22:21.was going to be and then Boris banned it. That traffic cop, there
:22:21. > :22:26.ways story about him jumping on a bus trying to give it a ticket. He
:22:26. > :22:32.was on the side of a bus. Mitt Romney's dog was run over and stuck
:22:32. > :22:37.to the side of a bus. No, he went on a bus, the dog. He put his dog
:22:37. > :22:42.in a crate on top of his car and drove it many hundreds of miles.
:22:42. > :22:47.it's not a bus, it's a moving vehicle. This This pheasant is the
:22:47. > :22:50.official driver for the 2012 Olympics. I think it's one of those
:22:50. > :22:52.birds who commutes from Nottingham to Lincoln or something like that.
:22:52. > :22:57.It's a regular thing. I think the poster is the only thing that's not
:22:57. > :23:03.been on a moving vehicle. We were getting there! You're all right.
:23:03. > :23:09.Yes, it's... It's not the Lib Dem conference, come on. I wish it was.
:23:09. > :23:14.Because I've got a soft spot for Clegg. Really? Yeah, face down on
:23:14. > :23:19.Hackney marshes. APPLAUSE
:23:19. > :23:29.You weren't quite right about the pheasant. But the Vietnamese
:23:29. > :23:35.
:23:35. > :23:40.traffic cop was Man Fan. I know. I'm not gay I'm just a man fan.
:23:40. > :23:50.he was seen clinging to the front of a bus. Who wants to see him in
:23:50. > :23:58.
:23:58. > :24:03.It looks like an on the buses, dad's Army mash up. Did anyone
:24:03. > :24:08.catch what he was shouting there? Stop filming me. When is the next
:24:08. > :24:15.request stop? According to the Times he was heard yelling "call
:24:15. > :24:24.the police". A pheasant in Gloucestershire survived a 40 mile
:24:24. > :24:27.trip after getting hit by a car and wedged in the grill. He's made a
:24:27. > :24:30.full recovery. They've travelled on the outside of a vehicle apart from
:24:30. > :24:33.the ad campaign, which wasn't allowed to appear on buses. The
:24:34. > :24:40.Mayor of London banned the ads having always been a champion of
:24:40. > :24:43.gay women or as he calls them, a challenge.
:24:43. > :24:50.Mitt Romney has been criticised for once driving his car with the
:24:50. > :24:55.family dog on the roof or as his dog called it, the ruuff. Sorry. In
:24:55. > :24:59.a similar incident George W Bush put his dog on the roof before
:24:59. > :25:01.travelling. Sadly that was on Air Force One.
:25:01. > :25:09.LAUGHTER A traffic cop was seen clinging to
:25:09. > :25:18.the front of a speeding bus. Here he is, as we've seen, the bus was
:25:19. > :25:22.driven and stopped by a traffic cop. It was captured on video by ang On
:25:22. > :25:27.Tightly. LAUGHTER
:25:27. > :25:30.Time for the missing words round, which this week features, as its
:25:30. > :25:35.guest publication, Blaze. The lighter magazine, if it was about
:25:35. > :25:40.something interesting, which would no doubt be heavier. We start with
:25:40. > :25:50.flat kick arm with nipple rivet and hex ago nal nut what? Seekuals one
:25:50. > :25:52.
:25:52. > :25:57.hell of a night! -- Equals one hell of a night! What? Chocolate. That
:25:57. > :26:02.sounds like a good night out. flat kick arm with nipple rivet and
:26:02. > :26:11.hex ago nal nut, a pleasant surprise. Next, man wearing
:26:11. > :26:16.umbrella hat what? Still a virgin at 44. Has umbrella handle sticking
:26:16. > :26:23.out of his bottom. The answer is man wearing umbrella hat struck by
:26:23. > :26:30.lightning twice. This is Matt Wilkes who bought a
:26:30. > :26:36.hat on e bai -- i bay and was hit twice by lite nieng. He was going
:26:36. > :26:42.it a fancy dress pub crawl. Not sure what he was going as,
:26:42. > :26:47.presumably a. Shock as what comes back from the dead? Ann Widdicombe.
:26:47. > :26:55.The answer is hamster. What news does he have of life beyond the
:26:55. > :26:59.veil. Golden wheels. Run into the light! I can't! After being buried
:26:59. > :27:03.the hamster dug himself out of his grave. This story has upset a lot
:27:03. > :27:09.of children, but if you're watching kids, don't worry, it can't happy
:27:09. > :27:13.with Jimmy Saville. LAUGHTER
:27:13. > :27:21.So the final scores are: Paul and Graham have five and Ian and
:27:21. > :27:25.Humphrey have seven. APPLAUSE
:27:25. > :27:35.Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition. It's a
:27:35. > :27:36.
:27:36. > :27:43.freeze frame. David Attenborough lives over there, let's see how he
:27:43. > :27:45.likes it. On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian
:27:45. > :27:49.Hislop and Humphrey Ker, Paul Merton and Graham Linehan. I leave
:27:49. > :27:53.you with news that the Japanese government announces that after the
:27:53. > :28:02.melt down, the rivers round the Fukushima nuclear plant are once
:28:02. > :28:09.more full of salmon. Just as he thinks he's found the
:28:09. > :28:14.perfect picnic spot, there's a nasty surprise for Nick Griffin.