0:00:40 > 0:00:42Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44I'm Alexander Armstrong.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46In the news this week, in Canary Wharf,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49as the recession continues to bite, Goldman Sachs deny
0:00:49 > 0:00:52that their fairground-themed office party is too extravagant.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59There's disappointment for Jeremy Hunt
0:00:59 > 0:01:03as he tries to wave a casual hello to David Cameron cycling to work.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10And at a restaurant in Berkshire,
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Kate Middleton really goes for it at the all-you-can-eat buffet.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23On Ian's team tonight is a Conservative MP who recently hit the headlines
0:01:23 > 0:01:27for calling David Cameron and George Osborne two arrogant posh boys.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30So, it should make a pleasant change for her to sit between Ian and me.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Please welcome Nadine Dorries.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:37 > 0:01:42And with Paul tonight is a comedian who says in the mornings he doesn't wash or shower -
0:01:42 > 0:01:44he just marinates in his own juices.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47So, if nothing else, at least he SMELLS funny.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48Please welcome Reginald D Hunter.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:55 > 0:01:58And we start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Ian and Nadine, take a look at this.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02That's the penguin - he won. He's Mayor of London.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Oh, he hasn't won. He's pondering...
0:02:07 > 0:02:11Hello! There's the penguin. Oh, off with the jacket.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- Is that the reaffirmation of marriage vows?- It is!
0:02:14 > 0:02:17- Who was the bride?- Nick.- Ah.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21We know what happens to the bride on her wedding night, don't we?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26APPLAUSE
0:02:28 > 0:02:29No, this is the elections,
0:02:29 > 0:02:32and it didn't go very well for the coalition.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34And the reason it didn't go very well
0:02:34 > 0:02:36is because Nadine attacked the Prime Minister.
0:02:38 > 0:02:43Nothing to do with the...Lords reform being one of our main policies
0:02:43 > 0:02:45when the country's in recession...
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Yeah, absolutely, totally my fault. Completely down to me.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49REGINALD: Excuse me, Miss Nadine.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53You say that it was your fault, yet your tone does not convince me.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Yeah, you took a drubbing, didn't you, Nadine?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00But good result for Labour. How many seats did they gain?
0:03:00 > 0:03:03- Um...seven hundred and forty something?- 823.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06We saw Professor Pongoo there in Edinburgh.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09He beat the Lib Dem candidate.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12He did. A penguin got more votes.
0:03:12 > 0:03:1474 more votes than the Lib Dem candidate.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18But I think that's cos he was wearing black tie.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19People like posh, Nadine. They do, really.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21But there's already a whiff of scandal.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24There is a belief that there might be a man inside this penguin.
0:03:26 > 0:03:31Meanwhile, Boris Johnson...narrowly won a second term in London.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32How did Boris respond when asked
0:03:32 > 0:03:35whether he had ambitions to become Prime Minister?
0:03:35 > 0:03:36Y...no.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43According to the Daily Mail, he said he didn't want the Prime Minister's job...
0:03:45 > 0:03:47NADINE: That means he does, then.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52But would you object to Boris as Tory leader? Cos he's quite posh.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55I have nothing against where he was educated.
0:03:55 > 0:04:00It's how one relates to people who, I suppose, aren't posh.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03And the vast majority of people in the UK
0:04:03 > 0:04:05don't go to Eton or Oxford and...
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- Do they not?!- ..aren't privileged.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11You have to be able to relate to the ordinary lives of ordinary people.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- And Boris does that. - What, you think he's in touch?
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Well, I know he's in touch with a lot of the electorate!
0:04:18 > 0:04:20That's why he's got a bike.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26Well, here's Boris celebrating his victory, every inch the statesman.
0:04:26 > 0:04:27There he is.
0:04:29 > 0:04:34What's his...? What is actually wrong with Boris's shorts there?
0:04:34 > 0:04:36He's actually put them on the wrong way round.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Do you think they were on that way round when he left the house?
0:04:41 > 0:04:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:45 > 0:04:49He said that one of his first electoral promises
0:04:49 > 0:04:51is to get rid of those shorts!
0:04:51 > 0:04:53There's a rampant dragon.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59So after their dismal election showing,
0:04:59 > 0:05:01where did Cameron and Clegg go?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Dignitas.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05LAUGHTER And APPLAUSE
0:05:09 > 0:05:12It was actually a tractor factory in Essex.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14This is to try and please Nadine.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17They went to Essex and then Cameron thought, "Oh, take off my jacket.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19"Shirt sleeves. In touch.
0:05:19 > 0:05:24"Ordinary people." I was totally convinced(!)
0:05:24 > 0:05:29- Did you not like the re-launch?- I didn't see it. I was busy that day.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31It was a bit of a contrast from the rose garden.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Here was then. And here is now.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36LAUGHTER
0:05:36 > 0:05:40Well, they found a factory that's open, which is pretty good going!
0:05:40 > 0:05:45Let's have a picture. Here they are.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Nick Clegg then tries to tell a joke.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Can I also just say thank you very much for letting us
0:05:50 > 0:05:53interrupt your days work.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Your blue and yellow livery on your tractors,
0:05:55 > 0:05:59it's tailor-made for the politics of this coalition.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01SILENCE
0:06:01 > 0:06:02As David explained...
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Ed Miliband was also in that part of the country.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11He did make a reference to the popular show The Only Way Is Essex.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13- TOWIE!- Well done. Yes, TOWIE.- Thank you.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16He said...
0:06:16 > 0:06:17GROANING
0:06:17 > 0:06:21Sadly this reference backfired, cos then he was asked who
0:06:21 > 0:06:23his favourite character was from the series.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27At which point he had to confess he'd never see it.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29So, Nadine. Queen's speech. Any comments on that?
0:06:29 > 0:06:34- Glad they didn't bang on about gay marriage?- I would have liked to have seen a bit more substance in there,
0:06:34 > 0:06:36like how do we get the country growing again.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40How do we get it growing again?
0:06:40 > 0:06:44- Well, would you like me to give you a list of measures?- Yes, please!
0:06:44 > 0:06:48- You'd be very bored.- No, it's interesting.- Well, we have lots... - No one else knows.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51I get lots of people who come to see me...
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- This is an anecdote, not a list.- No, no.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- They come to see me... - And she's on his team!
0:07:01 > 0:07:04- Breaking apart in front of our very eyes.- Pushing it, man.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07It's a very temporary coalition.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11But your view is that having lost very badly in the local elections,
0:07:11 > 0:07:14your party should move to the right.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- Is it about right and left still? - I've no idea.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21Isn't it about just doing the right thing, doing what the country needs
0:07:21 > 0:07:23at a time when it needs it?
0:07:23 > 0:07:28Yeah, I don't even actually identify with right and left to a huge degree.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31- But you are still a Tory. - Yeah, I'm a Tory.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33- So you're vaguely on the right? - Yeah.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37I believe in freedom of the individual, yeah. I am a Tory.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Which bits of the Tories are you?
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Are you a little bit UKIP-y, or...?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44LAUGHTER
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Are you more on the touchy-feely Cameron-y?
0:07:47 > 0:07:49- I'm definitely a bit more UKIP-y. - Right.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52That side said Cameron may be kicked out of office
0:07:52 > 0:07:55unless he changes direction. Is that a threat?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57How many signatures do you get? 46?
0:07:57 > 0:08:00The party would need to get 46 signatures, yeah.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Is it true that so far you've only got one?
0:08:05 > 0:08:07An "N Dorries."
0:08:07 > 0:08:12- I haven't put one in yet actually. - Oh, haven't you? That's very loyal!
0:08:13 > 0:08:17Are you confident of a promotion in the next reshuffle?
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Anyone see George Osborne on Andrew Marr on Sunday?
0:08:20 > 0:08:24He was there to apologise for his bungling of the budget announcement.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26And obviously to slag you off, Nadine.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30Chiefly he was there so he could enjoy watching Keane.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34# But you and I, we're going to rise again
0:08:34 > 0:08:39# Divided from the light... #
0:08:45 > 0:08:49When the camera comes back to him on the second pass, he catches sight
0:08:49 > 0:08:53of it and starts nodding his head in time to the music. Have a look.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56# I want to love the way we used to then... #
0:09:06 > 0:09:10Yes, this is the relaunch of the coalition.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13David Cameron turned up in Basildon with Nick Clegg in tow
0:09:13 > 0:09:15and told factory workers...
0:09:17 > 0:09:19And what could be more efficient
0:09:19 > 0:09:22than two blokes turning up to do one person's job?
0:09:22 > 0:09:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Ed Miliband condemned the policies mapped out
0:09:29 > 0:09:32in the Queen's Speech this week, telling the Prime Minister...
0:09:34 > 0:09:36And in two years, the Labour leader
0:09:36 > 0:09:39will go from Ed Miliband to David Miliband.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43The press were sympathetic to the Queen for having to read the speech out.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53At which point Cameron shouted, "Just read the bloody thing out, will you?!"
0:09:53 > 0:09:54LAUGHTER
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Paul and Reg, take a look at this.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02OK, that is... Oh, there has been a pair of underpants in the news.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Oh, that would confirm it. There is a plane, a plane, an underpants bomber
0:10:05 > 0:10:08has tried to blow up his own underpants on the plane.
0:10:08 > 0:10:15That is the security measures and that is how spies operated in 1936.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18The old cigarette case with a piece of paper. This is about bombs,
0:10:18 > 0:10:20blowing yourself up, blowing underpants up on a plane.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23They have arrested someone who is trying to do it
0:10:23 > 0:10:25and he has been stopped and he has failed and it has not worked.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Yeah!
0:10:27 > 0:10:30LAUGHTER
0:10:30 > 0:10:33- What do we know about the plot? - It didn't work.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36And it involved underpants. And explosives as well,
0:10:36 > 0:10:39because underpants on their own aren't much of a threat.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43- This is exactly right.- In some cases they could be, but in this case, no.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48An unnamed secret agent had a bomb to blow up an unnamed plane,
0:10:48 > 0:10:51which he gave to the CIA, and has now disappeared.
0:10:51 > 0:10:56The only proof of his existence that we have is the bomb that he left.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- There is no other proof. - And the underpants, presumably.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03- It is a sting.- A sting? - Yes, it was someone... - It would though, wouldn't it?
0:11:03 > 0:11:06LAUGHTER
0:11:06 > 0:11:10He said to someone in the Yemen, "I would like to blow up a plane,
0:11:10 > 0:11:13"have you got any underpants with a bomb in it?"
0:11:13 > 0:11:17They said, "I will run one for you, sir." Small tailors in the Yemen.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19They do it all up, get underpants.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23He says, "Great" and hands over to CIA because he is an agent.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27What I found suspicious about this is that the handler who gave the bomb
0:11:27 > 0:11:30seems to be kind of cavalier about the execution of this.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34He is like, "All right, I've got the bomb. What plane and what time do you want to blow it up?"
0:11:34 > 0:11:37"Uh, it's up to you, man. Whenever.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40"Blow up one today or tomorrow, as long as you blow up a plane.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44"Blow up something. Don't be trying to impress nobody, blow it up your way!"
0:11:44 > 0:11:46LAUGHTER
0:11:46 > 0:11:49We do know that the previous underpants bomb was real,
0:11:49 > 0:11:53what happened to that and why are they so dangerous, these pants bombs?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55- Well, it's a pair of... - LAUGHTER
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Why is a pair of pants with a bomb in it so dangerous?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00If they are too tight they can cut out your blood supply.
0:12:00 > 0:12:07- Men, no matter what country or culture they come from, have some fondness for their genitalia.- Yeah.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Any man who is willing to blow up his genitalia to hurt other people,
0:12:11 > 0:12:14that is a man I am scared of, do you know what I am saying?
0:12:14 > 0:12:17You don't mean inflate, you mean explode?
0:12:17 > 0:12:21- Exactly.- To blow up your genitals is another thing.
0:12:21 > 0:12:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Underwear bombers around the world,
0:12:29 > 0:12:33underwear bomb makers, have been trying round the clock to find a way to perfect this.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Burnt bums, burnt testicles...
0:12:36 > 0:12:40- And "round-the-clock" isn't always the phrase they use. - LAUGHTER
0:12:40 > 0:12:42But it's very similar.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46APPLAUSE
0:12:46 > 0:12:51What event did they think this latest bum-bomb might have been intended to commemorate?
0:12:51 > 0:12:56It was meant to be a year since Obama...killed Osama.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00That's right. But this also gave the US military a fantastic excuse to release some of Bin Laden's letters.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- Have you seen any of these? - Yes, they are rather whingey.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06He's got a slight tone of Ken Livingstone about him.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08LAUGHTER
0:13:08 > 0:13:10What was his master plan?
0:13:10 > 0:13:14- Did he have one?- He had several, but the one he was particularly keen on,
0:13:14 > 0:13:19he wanted to try and shoot down Obama's plane if he ever visited Afghanistan. But not Joe Biden!
0:13:19 > 0:13:22This was his point. He thought that if Obama died...
0:13:27 > 0:13:29LAUGHTER
0:13:29 > 0:13:33That's a ringing endorsement for Joe Biden, isn't it?
0:13:33 > 0:13:37"I am so incompetent that our enemies want to make me President as a weapon!"
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Let's look at leaders on their way out.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Let's go closer to home, what's happened in France this past week?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44- There has been an election. - Sarkozy's out.
0:13:44 > 0:13:49- Who won that one, Nadine?- Hollande. - "Ollonde?"- "Ollonde!"- Hollande.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53That's right. So, yes, Francois Hollande, he has the rich in his sights.
0:13:53 > 0:13:58It hasn't gone down well in France, apparently the CAC is down 4%.
0:13:58 > 0:14:03Hollande, he doesn't like the EU's austerity measures, either.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Which might cause problems for the Germans.
0:14:05 > 0:14:10But where else is democracy upsetting the apple wagon?
0:14:10 > 0:14:15- Are you referring to Greece? - I am.- They've had elections in Greece.- Yes.
0:14:15 > 0:14:21And the new people who have come in, the new people have said, "Our plan is not to pay back the loan."
0:14:21 > 0:14:26And so throughout Europe there is, essentially, two points of view. Everyone else and the Germans.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29And last time, that didn't go so well!
0:14:29 > 0:14:32LAUGHTER
0:14:32 > 0:14:35In terms of the major threats to the eurozone, nationalism, isolationism
0:14:35 > 0:14:39and financial turmoil, how did the Mirror sum up the situation?
0:14:39 > 0:14:41It's a tragedy.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48And on the subject of foreigners,
0:14:48 > 0:14:50who would like to see a commercial for a Chinese kitchen knife?
0:14:50 > 0:14:53- Yes, please.- Here we are.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56BIZARRE ELECTRONIC VOICE: Hoi Chi is a specialist manufacturer
0:14:56 > 0:14:58and exporter of ceramic knives.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00We have advanced production equipment
0:15:00 > 0:15:03and a superior technical personnel.
0:15:03 > 0:15:08Quality first and continuous innovation is our persistent aim
0:15:08 > 0:15:11and we focus our attention on manufacturing
0:15:11 > 0:15:14and selling various kinds of novelty.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Robert Peston's voice coach.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Yes, this was the triumph for the CIA this week as they foiled
0:15:24 > 0:15:26another underpant bomb plot.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29The original underpants bomb plot resulted in the device
0:15:29 > 0:15:31only partially exploding in the bomber's underwear.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33The bomber was able to get through security
0:15:33 > 0:15:36because the device had no moving parts.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38And now, neither does he.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Also this week, Greece tried to bring about the end of West un...
0:15:42 > 0:15:43West un!
0:15:43 > 0:15:47Can we get the bloke who did the Chinese knife advert?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Also this week,
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Greece tried to bring about the end of Western civilisation.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Well, the Greeks started it,
0:15:57 > 0:16:00seems only fair they should be the ones to end it.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02According to one newspaper...
0:16:06 > 0:16:08So if the Greek finance minister is watching,
0:16:08 > 0:16:11bung 60 billion on that, pull out, sorted.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18And so we come to round two, the picture spin quiz.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27LAUGHTER
0:16:27 > 0:16:28BUZZER
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Yes, Paul and Reginald.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34There seems to be a man conducting an invisible orchestra.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37He's conducting huge amounts of cheese.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39So is this some musical cheese reference
0:16:39 > 0:16:42I've missed over the last week? Is cheese the new music?
0:16:42 > 0:16:44You can carry a piece of cheddar in your hand
0:16:44 > 0:16:46and it's Elgar written all the way through it?
0:16:46 > 0:16:49No. No, you're wrong. You're kind of close.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52It's a musical vibrational technique
0:16:52 > 0:16:54in order to make sure that cheese ages the right way.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58Plausible, sensible...not right.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01This is the news that songwriters are being invited to create
0:17:01 > 0:17:04a national anthem for cheddar cheese.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12- Whose idea was this?- Was it somebody at the Cheese Council?- The BCB?
0:17:12 > 0:17:13The British Cheese Board.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22- It's true! Seriously, the British Cheese Board.- Is this a joke?- No!
0:17:22 > 0:17:25The BCB want songwriters to come up with original lyrics
0:17:25 > 0:17:28about Cheddar to the tune of what?
0:17:28 > 0:17:31- God Save The Queen.- Exactly, and Land Of Hope And Glory
0:17:31 > 0:17:36and Jerusalem, these kinds of tunes. Anyone want to submit an entry now?
0:17:36 > 0:17:39I'd like to have had some notice on this.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43- The BeeCheese or something like that?- No.
0:17:43 > 0:17:48- Who have BCB chosen to spearhead this campaign?- Me.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50I didn't want to say, but...
0:17:52 > 0:17:54It's Alex James. He's the man behind it. He said...
0:18:00 > 0:18:01Which is, of course, Simon Cowell's job.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05How will the anthem winner be judged?
0:18:05 > 0:18:10By a tone-deaf cow attached to a Taser.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14There's going to be a judging panel of BCB members,
0:18:14 > 0:18:16that's basically how...
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Kazakhstan already has its own national anthem, of course.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21What happened when it was played at the opening
0:18:21 > 0:18:24of a skiing competition in the north of the country?
0:18:24 > 0:18:28It was the wrong one. They played the national anthem from Borat.
0:18:28 > 0:18:34Oh, no. This is yet another Kazakh mix-up. Look at this.
0:18:48 > 0:18:53MUSIC: "Livin' la Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin
0:18:53 > 0:18:55ANTHEM PLAYS
0:18:59 > 0:19:03Yes, they played Ricky Martin's Livin' La Vida Loca in by mistake.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06This is the competition to write a national anthem for cheddar.
0:19:06 > 0:19:07As a cheesemaker himself,
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Blur's Alex James is the face of the cheddar competition.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Next year, there will be a similar contest for George Michael
0:19:13 > 0:19:15and his favourite cheese - cottage.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here is your next spinning picture.
0:19:27 > 0:19:33That's Mr Cameron between Andy Coulson and Rebekah Brookes
0:19:33 > 0:19:36who are both appearing at the Leveson Inquiry this week.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Yes, it is the continuing saga of the Leveson Inquiry.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43- He's not looking very happy, is he?- Not there, no.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45I suppose being the only prime minister who has
0:19:45 > 0:19:47had his director of communications
0:19:47 > 0:19:51and best friend arrested by the police must be a bit depressing.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54At the end of the day, it has been a bit of a damp squib.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- Everyone has been disappointed. - We are waiting for tomorrow.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Then we get the text that Dave sent to Rebekah.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03How many kisses on the end, do you think?
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Love you.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08LOL.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11It is all going to be there.
0:20:11 > 0:20:16# God save our favourite cheese
0:20:16 > 0:20:19# We get down on our knees
0:20:19 > 0:20:22# God save our cheese... #
0:20:22 > 0:20:23APPLAUSE
0:20:23 > 0:20:25# We love you forever
0:20:25 > 0:20:28# Cos you're a piece of cheddar. #
0:20:28 > 0:20:30APPLAUSE
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Where do I send the invoice?
0:20:37 > 0:20:40It just shows you how much I have been paying attention
0:20:40 > 0:20:42for the last five minutes!
0:20:42 > 0:20:47# And did those feet in ancient times smell slightly
0:20:47 > 0:20:49# Of the product which I sell? #
0:20:50 > 0:20:52No, that is the B-side.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Is there anything else from the Leveson Enquiry,
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Ian, that we haven't...?
0:21:02 > 0:21:04I don't think they sang Jerusalem.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08What Andy Coulson said that was interesting was that...
0:21:08 > 0:21:11I only saw this on Twitter because I was working.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Can I quibble with the fact that, if you are on Twitter,
0:21:13 > 0:21:16you are not working?
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Just because you are not watching the Leveson Enquiry,
0:21:18 > 0:21:21the fact that you are reading Tweets,
0:21:21 > 0:21:23it doesn't count as parliamentary work, does it?
0:21:23 > 0:21:27Miss Nadine, I don't think he likes you much.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31You are trying too hard.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32Do you not like me much?
0:21:32 > 0:21:35I think that is an interesting question.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37I think you are right.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Of course I do. I am trying to make things clear.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42The Prime Minister and you just don't get on.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45He called me his close friend in the chamber this week.
0:21:45 > 0:21:50As a person, as an individual, he is a really nice man.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54As the Prime Minister, you think he is a bit pants.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56YOU said that. I couldn't possibly say that.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Are these exploding pants or just normal pants?
0:21:59 > 0:22:02This is the ongoing Leveson Enquiry.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Andy Coulson faced the Leveson Enquiry this week.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05Before giving evidence,
0:22:05 > 0:22:08he had to swear an oath holding a Bible which was still showing
0:22:08 > 0:22:11the burn marks from where Rupert Murdoch had touched it.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Fingers on buzzers, teams.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Ian and Nadine?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24That is a twister in Bicester.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27That is exactly right.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Which is a song from the Bicester twister board.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36The papers were filled with tales of the destructive force of nature.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- What did it do?- Did you see any of the individual stories?
0:22:39 > 0:22:40No, let's see them.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Norman Ashworth, quoted in the Mail...
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Surely the most dramatic came from Whitney resident
0:22:52 > 0:22:56Richard Glazer who heroically drove straight through the storm.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06If the Bicester twister an isolated incident?
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- Uh, yes.- I say no.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Two weeks ago, Rugby and Halstead were both victims of suspected
0:23:13 > 0:23:17tornadoes, but they don't rhyme so nobody seemed interested.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21Beryl Clark of Wentworth Road lived to tell the tale.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27Argos, I would imagine.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Speaking of the weather, did anyone see the BBC's new weatherman?
0:23:32 > 0:23:33Yes, Prince Charles.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Do you want to have a look?
0:23:35 > 0:23:37This afternoon, it will be cold, wet
0:23:37 > 0:23:39and windy across most of Scotland.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43We are under the influence of low pressure.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47The weather front pushing northwards is bringing cloud
0:23:47 > 0:23:49and outbreaks of rain.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50What a surprise(!)
0:23:52 > 0:23:55I bet I know what happened, it was a day of being silly.
0:23:55 > 0:24:00They drove past the studio and she said, "Oh, Charles.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02"I want to do the weather. I always have."
0:24:04 > 0:24:06He says, "OK." And she says, "can we do it?"
0:24:06 > 0:24:08And he says, "I'm the prince."
0:24:10 > 0:24:12I believe that is what happened.
0:24:14 > 0:24:19This is the tornado that hit the town of Bicester in Oxfordshire this week.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21The Daily Mail described the scenes of devastation
0:24:21 > 0:24:22wrought by the tornado.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28So, if the international community are watching, please,
0:24:28 > 0:24:30donate whatever you can.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Time for the missing words round. Take a look at this.
0:24:37 > 0:24:38NADINE: Water.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40REGINALD: No official cheese song yet.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43LAUGHTER
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Oh!
0:24:49 > 0:24:52After a surge of interest based on the movie, the Yemen tourist board
0:24:52 > 0:24:55has warned Britons that there is no salmon fishing in the area.
0:24:55 > 0:24:56LAUGHTER
0:24:56 > 0:24:58According to the Telegraph:
0:25:02 > 0:25:05..Though it does have a vibrant pant bomb-making sector.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08LAUGHTER
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Next:
0:25:13 > 0:25:15PAUL: The 1970s were like Woodstock.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19IAN: It was a drug story, wasn't it?
0:25:19 > 0:25:20Yup.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26According to a BBC Four programme about television Centre,
0:25:26 > 0:25:29drugs were rife at the BBC in the '60s and '70s.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31One of the presenters of Play School got
0:25:31 > 0:25:34so stoned he went through the square window and ended up flat... Oh!
0:25:34 > 0:25:37LAUGHTER
0:25:37 > 0:25:40- I'm so sorry.- And if I might add, you had a bit of momentum too.
0:25:40 > 0:25:41Yes, I know. It's gone now!
0:25:41 > 0:25:43AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:25:43 > 0:25:46That's the sort of noise every performer wants to hear.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48LAUGHTER
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Being deeply patronised by people who came in for nothing.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54LAUGHTER
0:25:54 > 0:25:56APPLAUSE
0:25:56 > 0:25:59That cheer still counts as taking the piss, by the way.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04According to a BBC four programme about Television Centre,
0:26:04 > 0:26:06drugs were rife at the BBC in the '60s and '70s.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09One of the presenters of Play School got so stoned he went through
0:26:09 > 0:26:12the square window and ended up face down in the car park.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15CHEERING
0:26:18 > 0:26:21And that won't sound unusual in any way, shape or form.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24And finally:
0:26:33 > 0:26:35- IAN: I think it's Bungay. - PAUL: Is it Bungay?
0:26:36 > 0:26:38The answer is:
0:26:42 > 0:26:45The game was played in Bungay. All 22 players were called Bungay.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48The referee was Bungay. The linesmen were Bungay.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50The substitutes and the mascots were called Bungay.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52And the team doctor was called Bungay.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55It was all the idea of an employee of Bungay Town FC,
0:26:55 > 0:26:57called Shaun Cole.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59LAUGHTER
0:26:59 > 0:27:01APPLAUSE
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Or you can call it, "When inbreeding goes well."
0:27:04 > 0:27:06LAUGHTER
0:27:06 > 0:27:09The final scores are Paul and Reginald on five.
0:27:09 > 0:27:10Ian and Nadine on nine.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13CHEERING
0:27:17 > 0:27:20But before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Hello, have you come far?
0:27:22 > 0:27:24LAUGHTER
0:27:26 > 0:27:29You got my nose hair caught in your watch strap!
0:27:29 > 0:27:31LAUGHTER
0:27:35 > 0:27:37IAN: All rise.
0:27:37 > 0:27:38AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:27:38 > 0:27:41APPLAUSE
0:27:41 > 0:27:43On which note we say thank you to our panellists,
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Ian Hislop and Nadine Dorries.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Paul Merton and Reginald D Hunter.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50I leave you with news that after Nicolas Sarkozy's
0:27:50 > 0:27:52humiliating defeat in the French general election,
0:27:52 > 0:27:55his wife takes him on a much-needed holiday.
0:27:56 > 0:27:57LAUGHTER
0:28:00 > 0:28:02At the Oxford Street branch of Primark,
0:28:02 > 0:28:05a new sales assistant greets his first customer of the day.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09LAUGHTER
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Having dismissed predictions of a tornado in Bicester,
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Michael Fish returns to his Oxfordshire home.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20LAUGHTER
0:28:20 > 0:28:21Good night.
0:28:21 > 0:28:25APPLAUSE
0:28:47 > 0:28:51Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd