0:00:25 > 0:00:28APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43I'm Kathy Burke. In the news this week,
0:00:43 > 0:00:46as the Eurovision Song Contest approaches,
0:00:46 > 0:00:50the BBC eagerly unveil Engelbert Humperdinck's backing dancers...
0:00:53 > 0:00:56At an exclusive optician's in Harley Street,
0:00:56 > 0:01:00one regular customer inspects his new monocle.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07And in Hyde Park,
0:01:07 > 0:01:11a helicopter company regrets sending an attractive female pilot
0:01:11 > 0:01:14to give an aerial tour of London to Boris Johnson.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28On Ian's team tonight is a former Mayor of London
0:01:28 > 0:01:31who just lost a bruising contest with Boris Johnson.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34He's also the first guest this show has ever had
0:01:34 > 0:01:38whose fee has had to be paid direct to the Cayman Islands.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Please welcome Ken Livingstone!
0:01:41 > 0:01:43APPLAUSE
0:01:46 > 0:01:50And with Paul tonight is a comedian and actor who admits he hasn't led
0:01:50 > 0:01:53a very interesting life, and in a recent interview said,
0:01:53 > 0:01:58"While other people have been climbing Everest, I've been sorting out me wardrobe."
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Throw all the nice clothes out, then, did you(?)
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Please welcome Joe Wilkinson!
0:02:04 > 0:02:07APPLAUSE
0:02:09 > 0:02:11OK. And we start with the biggest stories of the week.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15- Paul and Joe, would you take a look at this, please?- Be thrilled to.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19- Ooh!- JOE: Slow-motion morris dancing?- Yes.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22The Greeks have got to live on a slightly slower time than the rest of us.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25This is the French Presidential elections. He's on his way out.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28He's on his way in, and it rained throughout his entire day.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30His plane was struck by lightning,
0:02:30 > 0:02:33represented by this cartoon characterisation from the 1920s,
0:02:33 > 0:02:36and there he is, at the end of a successful day...
0:02:36 > 0:02:40having no idea which way to go.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43It's not a great bit of footage from your first day, is it?
0:02:43 > 0:02:47When your Presidential campaign was, "I won't be pushed around by the Germans!"
0:02:49 > 0:02:54He was late, which is why I think Mrs Merkel was pretty firm with him.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Turn up late, don't know which side of the carpet to walk on...
0:02:57 > 0:02:59He was wet, late and French.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Sounds like somewhere in Soho.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Well, you work there...
0:03:09 > 0:03:12This is the first day in power for Francois Hollande,
0:03:12 > 0:03:14and the growing chaos in the Euro Zone.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17- He had a crap first day, didn't he, really?- Yeah.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20You shouldn't be that busy, your first day at work, should you?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22You should ease yourself in.
0:03:22 > 0:03:27Get shown round the office, send your mates a few e-mails, go "That's all right."
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Have a late lunch. Not fly him over to Germany, sort out the EU crisis.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35- No, not straightaway.- Ease him in with a bit of filing.- Exactly.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38- Find out how the office works. - Exactly. A bit much.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40- And then it rained on him, didn't it?- It did.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43He went to the airport to fly to Germany, SOAKED.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Bet Angela gave him a rub-down when he got there.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Is there something you know that we don't?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53A big triumph for the Left, though, Ken, wasn't it?
0:03:53 > 0:03:57Seems like the Left is winning everywhere. Except London.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Why is it, whenever I lose an election, they put me on your team?
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Every other time, I'm on Paul's.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Cos they want you to feel like a winner.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11KEN: I don't think we won last time.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Get on with it.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Well, it's about Hollande, actually.
0:04:17 > 0:04:22He began his first day in office with the handing over of power from Sarkozy.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25So, here they are together, but can you tell which one's Sarkozy?
0:04:28 > 0:04:30KEN: The 3-inch heels suggest that might be
0:04:30 > 0:04:33the diminutive former President of France.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36- You enjoyed saying that, didn't you? - Hmm. Oh, he was a ghastly horror.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Are you all open and honest now?
0:04:40 > 0:04:43I've always thought he was a ghastly horror.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- OK. Ed Miliband?- Lovely man.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Meanwhile, what's the problem with Greece?
0:04:52 > 0:04:56- They haven't got a government.- Yes, as no single party won a majority,
0:04:56 > 0:04:59the President has been holding talks with the leaders of various parties
0:04:59 > 0:05:03in an attempt to form a workable coalition.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06- Paul, could you give me a hand here, mate?- Yeah.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10Read out the names when they come up - don't get me wrong, I could do it myself, I just can't be arsed...
0:05:10 > 0:05:14- OK, right.- ..dealing with this.- Yes. - So, the Greek President...
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Karolos Papoulias.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19..has been talking to the head of the socialist party...
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Evangelos Venizelos.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23The leader of the far-right Golden Dawn party...
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Chrysi Avgi.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29And the young charismatic leader of the far-left Syriza party...
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Alexis Tsipras?
0:05:32 > 0:05:34More commonly known as...?
0:05:34 > 0:05:35Sexi Alexi!
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Well, I'll be the judge of that. Oh, yes...
0:05:39 > 0:05:40Yeah, he's all right, actually.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- He looks a bit like Ed Miliband to me.- Oh, does...?
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- Are you a man obsessed?- No, this is Ken's attempt to find some work!
0:05:52 > 0:05:56APPLAUSE
0:05:56 > 0:06:00Shall we see how well the President has been getting on in his talks with these people?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10LAUGHTER
0:06:10 > 0:06:13I think he'll come to the conclusion they can't stay in the euro,
0:06:13 > 0:06:16which most sensible people have realised for the last two years.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18- And then they're out.- They're out.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22The world will carry on and we'll all be able to afford a holiday in Greece.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26You've become very upbeat, haven't you?
0:06:26 > 0:06:31- Getting a nice sleep now, ain't ya? - Yeah. Like a log.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33It's good for you at your age.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39So, how are several newspapers
0:06:39 > 0:06:41referring to this possible Greek exit?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Are they taking, Greece and out, "grout?"
0:06:45 > 0:06:47APPLAUSE
0:06:51 > 0:06:55- It's called Grexit.- That's it, yes. - Sounds like a type of hair dye.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Again, we bow to your superior knowledge.
0:07:02 > 0:07:07They get the Olympic torch and then they set fire to Athens.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11Then we go bankrupt, cos everyone's exposed to Greece, to this debt.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15- Even Ken can't be cheery about that, can you?- No, I predicted this.- Ah!
0:07:16 > 0:07:2112 years ago in Socialist Economic Bulletin.
0:07:21 > 0:07:26- Didn't you read that?- Oh, my subscription must have lapsed(!)
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Catchy name, as well.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- Once we sold 300.- Oh!
0:07:33 > 0:07:37Yes, a move from the euro back to the drachma would have to be
0:07:37 > 0:07:41done on the quiet in the hope that nobody would notice.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45That should keep the situation nice and calm.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51- What else would have to be done in secret?- Printing the new currency?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Spot-on.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56I think it's a good opportunity to call it something else.
0:07:56 > 0:08:01You know, make it sound groovier. Like, drach-marvellous, or something.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06- Let's move on to Spain.- Yeah.- Right?
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Why has the village of Pioz made the financial news?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Is this the village that's in so much debt,
0:08:13 > 0:08:17it's going to take 1400 years to pay it off?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Better close their swimming pool.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22Breaks your heart.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27During the boom years, the local council spent so much on houses,
0:08:27 > 0:08:31a municipal swimming pool and a water purification plant,
0:08:31 > 0:08:34that it's run up debts that according to the Daily Telegraph will take...
0:08:37 > 0:08:40They didn't follow my advice.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Did you send a copy of the Bulletin to this village?
0:08:44 > 0:08:48You shouldn't borrow money. Pay as you go, that's the safe way.
0:08:48 > 0:08:54Finally, what can you NOT use to pay off a debt higher than £10?
0:08:54 > 0:08:55- Magic beans.- Huh?
0:08:56 > 0:09:01- Money? Coins? Copper coins? - Yes, there were go, coppers. Yes.
0:09:01 > 0:09:06- You can't pay off coppers?- No. - Has anyone told News International?
0:09:06 > 0:09:08APPLAUSE
0:09:08 > 0:09:10PAUL SINGS A COMIC TUNE
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Yes, an accountant in Essex has successfully sued
0:09:15 > 0:09:19one of his clients who tried to settle a bill of £800
0:09:19 > 0:09:24by dumping five crates of 1p and 2p coins in his garden.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Yes, this is the crisis in Europe
0:09:26 > 0:09:28and the messy aftermath of the Greek election,
0:09:28 > 0:09:32which saw the various parties unable to form a coalition.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35On his first official trip to see Angela Merkel,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38President Hollande's plane was struck by lightning,
0:09:38 > 0:09:41despite being assured there definitely wasn't massive a storm on its way,
0:09:41 > 0:09:46by leading French weatherman, Michel Poissan.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Ian and Ken, would you take a look at this, please?
0:09:52 > 0:09:56- Oh, it's...- Ah, a victim.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00- Oh, she's being hounded by the paparazzi!- Outrageous!- Oh, look.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Blair and Rebekah Brooks.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07And Cameron and Rebekah Brooks.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08And a witch.
0:10:10 > 0:10:15Well, we've got to be very careful answering this question, cos Mrs Brooks has been charged.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18But we're sure she's innocent, really.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20LAUGHTER
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Well, I can offer a comment.
0:10:22 > 0:10:27I remember watching that moment as she's being chased down the street and thinking,
0:10:27 > 0:10:30"The number of times the buggers have done that to me on her orders!"
0:10:30 > 0:10:33I took some small pleasure out of that, I did.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35I only met her once.
0:10:35 > 0:10:40It was after some film awards, and she largely ignored me.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43And then two days later, I get an e-mail from her saying,
0:10:43 > 0:10:47"We have identified your unknown love child and are going to name him.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51"Would you like to comment?" And I ignored it they didn't dare run it.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Oh, can we have the name now, then?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57- It all came out five years ago. You missed it.- Oh-h-h!
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Was it in the Socialist Economic Bulletin?
0:11:01 > 0:11:03The sales might have gone up!
0:11:03 > 0:11:07It's a good place to bury bad news, isn't it?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09It was all about bad news!
0:11:09 > 0:11:13Well, she's been charged with conspiracy to pervert the course of justice.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16I mean, most people when they get charged, disappear.
0:11:16 > 0:11:21She immediately came out and criticised the Crown Prosecution Service for daring to charge her.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25When you've spent two decades telling prime ministers what to do
0:11:25 > 0:11:27and telling senior policemen what to do,
0:11:27 > 0:11:31- it's a bit difficult when the boot's on the other foot.- Yes.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33And usually when the police come to her house, it's, you know,
0:11:33 > 0:11:38to give her a story or accept a job on one of her papers.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42- Or lend her one of their horses. - Indeed!
0:11:42 > 0:11:45I think we can say very little. She can obviously say what she likes,
0:11:45 > 0:11:47but we've got to be much more careful.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- How soon before they bang up Murdoch, do you reckon?- Oh!
0:11:50 > 0:11:52LAUGHTER
0:11:55 > 0:11:57That's any day now, obviously(!)
0:11:57 > 0:12:01But her husband was jolly cross, and a lot of people had said Rebekah,
0:12:01 > 0:12:04during giving evidence at the Leveson Inquiry, had looked like a witch.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07And then her husband immediately came out and said,
0:12:07 > 0:12:10"It's a witch-hunt."
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Which some people found very amusing.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16I just remembered - she did that thing, the campaign to burn down
0:12:16 > 0:12:19the home of your nearby paedophile and so on, didn't they?
0:12:19 > 0:12:22They ran that. That was a bit rushing to judgment, I thought.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26It was rushing to judgment and it was a campaign against paedophiles, but unfortunately,
0:12:26 > 0:12:31a lot of Sun readers couldn't tell the difference between that and paediatricians.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35So there was an attack on the house of a doctor.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39What did she reveal about her textual relationship with David Cameron?
0:12:39 > 0:12:43So, he was texting her all day, and occasionally he wrote "LOL"
0:12:43 > 0:12:45and he didn't know what it meant.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49He said it meant, "Lots of love," which somehow is more appropriate
0:12:49 > 0:12:53to a senior executive who's bidding for a media contract.
0:12:53 > 0:12:58Whereas the rest of us think it means "Laugh out loud," which we're doing now.
0:12:58 > 0:13:04Yes, the Express printed some examples of how Cameron might misunderstand other text speak.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06For instance...
0:13:07 > 0:13:10So we all know what that means, don't we?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- I'm homosexual. - LAUGHTER
0:13:13 > 0:13:16And I also don't know the answer.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18- This is "In my humble opinion." - That's it, yeah.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Or, as the Express suggested for Cameron,
0:13:21 > 0:13:24"Is my horse outside?"
0:13:28 > 0:13:31And here's another one. What's "WTF?"
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Eh, what the f...?
0:13:34 > 0:13:38As the Express suggested, "Where's the fag?"
0:13:38 > 0:13:39LAUGHTER
0:13:39 > 0:13:43- "Where's the fag?!" - As in, Eton slave boys.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46You don't say "Where's the fag?" you say "Fag up!"
0:13:49 > 0:13:51"Fag up?"
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- You didn't have a fag!- And they run up the stairs. Produce coffee.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58It's a perfectly workable system.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01See, I always used this one...
0:14:03 > 0:14:08- "I am having a fag?" - "I am HAVIN' a fag," yes!
0:14:08 > 0:14:12- Very topical. 1993, I- BLEEP- said that.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15I thought it meant, "I'm having some physical activity."
0:14:15 > 0:14:18- Oh!- Oh, "I'm having a..." Oh!
0:14:18 > 0:14:22- I say!- Under what circumstances would you text that...?
0:14:22 > 0:14:24LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:14:28 > 0:14:31"I've told you, haven't I?"
0:14:31 > 0:14:33LAUGHTER
0:14:33 > 0:14:36So, how did Rebekah Brooks stay in touch
0:14:36 > 0:14:39with the customs of ordinary folk when she was at the Sun?
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Er, she listened to their voicemails?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45APPLAUSE
0:14:47 > 0:14:48She said, "For 11 years running,
0:14:48 > 0:14:53"she would go on a £9.50 holiday to a caravan park with Sun readers."
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Where do Private Eye go for their away days, Ian?
0:14:56 > 0:15:00Erm, that place in Soho I was telling you about.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04Who else, a bit closer to home, has been critical of Rebekah Brooks?
0:15:04 > 0:15:09- Close to home.- Is that a clue?- Yeah.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Actually, it was Rupert Murdoch's daughter, Elizabeth...
0:15:12 > 0:15:13- Yes?- ..who said...
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Just for the record,
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Elizabeth Murdoch's own company makes TV programmes called...
0:15:25 > 0:15:29..so you could be in either of those, Ken, couldn't ya?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31They announced I'd lost on Friday evening.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35The first email I get was I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38I thought, "Oh God, no. You know you're doomed. It's all over."
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Something more uplifting, eh?
0:15:40 > 0:15:43- Like this.- This is always good fun.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45This could be a launch platform.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48We had some bloke on, and he became Mayor of London!
0:15:48 > 0:15:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:50 > 0:15:52I've never even forgiven you for that!
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Which other hard-faced shameless bastard
0:15:57 > 0:15:59was at the Leveson Inquiry this week?
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Hard-faced Shameless Bastard Number One, please come into the room.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03Erm...
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Can you narrow it down a bit more?
0:16:06 > 0:16:10- Alastair Campbell?- Very good, yes.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12The Mail described Campbell as...
0:16:17 > 0:16:21He actually said that the Labour Party in his day, erm,
0:16:21 > 0:16:24viewed their dealings with Murdoch with some distaste,
0:16:24 > 0:16:26and he was allowed to get away with saying that.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28You're thinking, "Was that the Labour Party
0:16:28 > 0:16:30"that you were working for Tony Blair
0:16:30 > 0:16:32"when he became the Godparent of Rupert's child
0:16:32 > 0:16:36"and appeared in robes of white by the banks of the Jordan,
0:16:36 > 0:16:41"in order to suck up to Mr Murdoch? Was that the same Labour Party?"
0:16:41 > 0:16:44But no-one said that, they just said, "Thank you, Mr Campbell.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47"Very good of you to turn up and give us your stupid opinions."
0:16:50 > 0:16:52APPLAUSE
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Robert Jay, the main QC at the Leveson Inquiry,
0:16:55 > 0:16:59got a bit carried away when he introduced Campbell to the Inquiry.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01What did he say?
0:17:01 > 0:17:06And he's here, the one, the only, lock up your daughters!
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Alastair, "I can't remember anything," Campbell!
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Ra-da-da-da...!
0:17:11 > 0:17:12He said he was...
0:17:17 > 0:17:21Yes, this is the news that Rebekah Brooks has been charged
0:17:21 > 0:17:23with attempting to pervert the course of justice.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Said Rebekah, 43, from Chipping Norton.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42APPLAUSE
0:17:42 > 0:17:43- OK, boys?- Yes!
0:17:43 > 0:17:45The prospect of Rebekah being sent to jail
0:17:45 > 0:17:47is particularly bad news for David Cameron,
0:17:47 > 0:17:51who's now facing a Christmas dinner with just Jeremy Clarkson.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56Meanwhile, the Leveson Inquiry continues to investigate
0:17:56 > 0:17:59the influence of the media, though if you want a stark example
0:17:59 > 0:18:02of the power of the newspapers, just think.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04If it wasn't for the London Evening Standard,
0:18:04 > 0:18:07we'd have Boris Johnson sitting there.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11I have to say, Ken, that's because I think you'd make a better mayor.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12And he'd make a better guest.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:15 > 0:18:16I agree! I agree!
0:18:19 > 0:18:22And so to Round Two, the one-armed bandit of news.
0:18:26 > 0:18:27Here's the first one!
0:18:31 > 0:18:33BUZZ
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- Yes, Paul.- Erm, the Queen, she is in a state now
0:18:36 > 0:18:40where she can't notice strangers coming up and adjusting her...
0:18:40 > 0:18:45she's being so dazzled by her own celebrations she has no idea,
0:18:45 > 0:18:48she's got no spatial awareness of people around her at all.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52And also, it's a waxwork at Madame Tussauds.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Yes, this is the new Madame Tussauds waxwork of the Queen.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59But, I mean, there was a tragedy at Tussauds, wasn't there, Ken?
0:18:59 > 0:19:00What?
0:19:00 > 0:19:01They've melted down...
0:19:01 > 0:19:04No! Not a beloved member of the British society!
0:19:04 > 0:19:06- They have!- Who?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08- The former mayor...- No?
0:19:08 > 0:19:11..has been consigned to the pot.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:19:13 > 0:19:15They're using him to make Jedward!
0:19:18 > 0:19:19No, that's very true.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Ken's waxwork was removed from Madame Tussauds in 2008.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25A spokesman has said...
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Don't they offer you to sell you it?
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Most of us would buy 'em for a laugh.
0:19:33 > 0:19:34Have it stuck there,
0:19:34 > 0:19:37a really grizzly looking object as you come through the door.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39No, you couldn't have yours, it's not tax deductible, mate!
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Oh, I don't know, you could rent it out!
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Particularly boring dinner, just put your waxwork in.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49"Hello, Ken".
0:19:50 > 0:19:52So, why's a new waxwork of the Queen been made?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54There's something remarkable about her.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Her appearance seems to change year by year.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59If you look at her when she was about six,
0:19:59 > 0:20:00she doesn't look anything like this.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04This has been described as the "Queen's most lifelike waxwork yet."
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- Shall we have a look at some of the previous efforts?- Yes.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Here she is in 2001.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10Oh, it's not very good.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12- Here she is in '77.- No!
0:20:14 > 0:20:16That's bad, but not as bad as this one
0:20:16 > 0:20:19displayed at the Legends Of Wax exhibition in Kent.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22That's Barbara Streisand!
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Fingers on buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33BUZZER
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Somebody stuck a car up a tree.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- Didn't they put a seed and let it grow?!- Yeah.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43A local community has gone in for their own justice,
0:20:43 > 0:20:46and this was a joyrider who goes up and down the streets,
0:20:46 > 0:20:49so one night they all got together and nicked his car
0:20:49 > 0:20:50and put it up a tree.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52And he rang the police and said,
0:20:52 > 0:20:55"They put my car up a tree" and the bloke said, "I know!"
0:20:58 > 0:21:00And he had to get it down himself.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Yes, villagers were fed up of their local boy-racer
0:21:03 > 0:21:06and his dangerous driving so they taught him a lesson by using
0:21:06 > 0:21:11a neighbour's mobile crane to hoist his car on top of a tree.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13A police spokesman said...
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Who'd like to see the car having been carefully removed
0:21:25 > 0:21:27from the tree?
0:21:30 > 0:21:32In other news of tall tales relating to cars,
0:21:32 > 0:21:37Dorset Police have revealed a list of excuses for driving offences.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39What excuse to a motorist give
0:21:39 > 0:21:42when stopped for not wearing his seatbelt?
0:21:42 > 0:21:45"Come near me, copper, and I'll cut you!"
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Citing the law that made wearing a seatbelt a legal requirement
0:21:48 > 0:21:51in 1982, the motorist told officers...
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Adding "but as we clearly can't settle this matter,
0:21:58 > 0:22:00"I challenge you, sir, to a duel."
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Finally, talking of excuses, Ken, do you have one for this outfit?
0:22:10 > 0:22:11Was it in The Sun?
0:22:11 > 0:22:13It was in The Sun, oddly enough.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15I think Rebekah just liked me topless.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Page 3 has evolved, hasn't it?!
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Actually, for someone who's 66, that's not bad.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25I'm glad you said that.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27I bet now, if we all took our tops off,
0:22:27 > 0:22:31I wouldn't look to bad compared to you!
0:22:31 > 0:22:32Come on, come on!
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Oh, come on, we're all friends, why not?!
0:22:38 > 0:22:41- Can we then wrestle?- Yeah.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Then we'll take our bottoms off.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Take our bottoms off?!
0:22:46 > 0:22:47Start shagging each other.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56Time now for the Odd One Out round. Just one between you this week.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Your four are Florence the Shark,
0:22:58 > 0:23:03Matthew O'Callaghan, the Chairman of Melton Mowbray Porkpie Association,
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Morrissey and Whittaker's Sundew.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07BELL RINGS
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- Yes.- Whittaker's Sundew is a flower from New South Wales
0:23:10 > 0:23:12and the others aren't.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15I've got one, then!
0:23:15 > 0:23:17BUZZER One's a shark.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22< Ah, that could be from Australia.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26The only thing I know is that shark's a vegetarian.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27And?!
0:23:27 > 0:23:29That's all I know in the whole world!
0:23:30 > 0:23:33The only thing that eats meat there is the flower.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35I bet the flower's one of those meat-eating flowers.
0:23:35 > 0:23:36Absolutely correct!
0:23:36 > 0:23:37Brilliant.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39APPLAUSE
0:23:39 > 0:23:42What sort of meat does the plant eat?
0:23:42 > 0:23:43Lamb chops?
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Kebabs?
0:23:46 > 0:23:50That looks like sticky bits on the leaf, so I assume small insects.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51Yes, very good, Ken.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Bison?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Have you ever seen a fight between one of those flowers and a bison?
0:23:58 > 0:24:00It can go on for hours.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Yeah, Ken's right, this plant does eat insects.
0:24:05 > 0:24:06Matthew O'Callaghan,
0:24:06 > 0:24:09the chairman of the Melton Mowbray Pork Pie Association,
0:24:09 > 0:24:11has admitted that he's actually a vegetarian.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13I thought you were going to say
0:24:13 > 0:24:17he's admitted there was no meat in his pork pies.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Has anybody any idea where Mr O'Callaghan
0:24:19 > 0:24:21made his shocking confession?
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Not the Socialist Economic Bulletin.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26No, according to the Daily Mail,
0:24:26 > 0:24:29he was speaking at the annual British Pie Awards
0:24:29 > 0:24:32He told a gathering of pie manufacturers,
0:24:32 > 0:24:35"I had a bad experience in Bangkok and cannot face meat again."
0:24:40 > 0:24:43They are all vegetarian, apart from Whittaker's Sundew
0:24:43 > 0:24:45which is a carnivorous plant
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Botanically-speaking, the order of Australian plants
0:24:48 > 0:24:51is divided between two sub-genii -
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Carnivorous and bloody poofta.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Right, time now for the Missing Words round
0:25:01 > 0:25:03which this week features as its guest publication...
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Cat Fancy.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Or, as I call it, The Spinster.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13And we start with...
0:25:16 > 0:25:19"Tonnes of cat poo."
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Is it "lost people?"
0:25:23 > 0:25:28- No, the actual answer is mobility scooters.- Oh, yes.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32This is the news that Britain is the mobility-scooter capital of Europe.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Technically, you have to have a medical reason
0:25:35 > 0:25:37to be allowed to drive a mobility scooter,
0:25:37 > 0:25:40although it appears these reasons include an allergy to exercise
0:25:40 > 0:25:43and a clinical dependence on chips.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Next...
0:25:49 > 0:25:52"Something 10 foot away."
0:25:53 > 0:25:55"I could smell cat mess from 10 feet away."
0:25:55 > 0:25:59- You're obsessed by cat mess. - It's bloody Cat Weekly, isn't it?
0:25:59 > 0:26:04- Yeah, but it could be other things apart from mess.- "Boris Johnson."
0:26:06 > 0:26:09"Says lonely widow."
0:26:11 > 0:26:14"Who's increased the security on her front door."
0:26:14 > 0:26:16"Who's boarded up the cat flap."
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Which isn't a euphemism.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24The answer is "Miche's fish breath."
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Yes, according to Cat Fancy,
0:26:27 > 0:26:30there are several possible causes of bad breath in cats.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33The main one being how it licks out its own arsehole.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41And lastly -
0:26:43 > 0:26:44"Massive cat."
0:26:46 > 0:26:48I wandered lonely as a shroud?
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Somebody dressed up in a shroud for a funeral?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53It's actually "nuke cloud".
0:26:53 > 0:26:56This is the plan to bury thousands of tonnes of nuclear waste
0:26:56 > 0:26:58below the Lake District.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01A spokesman for the nuclear waste industry says,
0:27:01 > 0:27:06"The upside is, that after 2 million years it should be mostly harmless."
0:27:06 > 0:27:09So, if you're watching the repeat on Dave - all clear.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:16 > 0:27:18And so the final scores are...
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Ian and Ken have four points,
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Paul and Joe have seven points.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25APPLAUSE
0:27:29 > 0:27:32But, before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36"Boy lies about having identical horses."
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Is the big horse saying to the little one,
0:27:40 > 0:27:42"There is a great big bowl of cocaine over the -
0:27:42 > 0:27:44"I just walked straight into it."
0:27:48 > 0:27:51And I leave you with news that at a shopping centre in Gloucester,
0:27:51 > 0:27:53a confused old man startles passers-by
0:27:53 > 0:27:55with a tirade of bigoted abuse.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01At Vladimir Putin's birthday-party parade,
0:28:01 > 0:28:04after soldiers marched non-stop for 12 hours
0:28:04 > 0:28:06there is a slight problem with cramp.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12And, capitalising on her love of horses,
0:28:12 > 0:28:15Scotland Yard sends an undercover cop to spy on Rebekah Brooks.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Good night.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:37 > 0:28:40Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd