0:00:25 > 0:00:28APPLAUSE
0:00:41 > 0:00:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Thank you so much.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Good evening to you.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06I'm William Shatner.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10In the news this week,
0:01:10 > 0:01:17as...Didier Drogba leaves London, in his private jet,
0:01:17 > 0:01:21there's evidence that Roman Abramovich doesn't want him to go.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33As an Afghan army recruit reports back to base,
0:01:33 > 0:01:36there are suspicions that he may have spent too long
0:01:36 > 0:01:39patrolling the poppy fields.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50And, at the G8 banquet for world leaders,
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Nick Clegg is given a vital role.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:01 > 0:02:05On Ian's team tonight is a writer and broadcaster who says
0:02:05 > 0:02:08he runs for at least an hour every day.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09It's not a health thing,
0:02:09 > 0:02:12it's just a lot of people he's been nasty about
0:02:12 > 0:02:14want to punch him in the face.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Please welcome Charlie Brooker.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:23 > 0:02:26With Paul tonight is a writer and broadcaster
0:02:26 > 0:02:28who supports Chelsea,
0:02:28 > 0:02:31so expect him to perform badly throughout the evening
0:02:31 > 0:02:34but somehow end up on the winning side.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35Ooh!
0:02:35 > 0:02:36Andy Hamilton.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40APPLAUSE
0:02:42 > 0:02:45We start with the bigger stories of the week.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Ian and Charlie, take a look at this.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51- It's the G8 Summit.- It's Cameron sunning his moobs.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56It's the French Prime Minister. He hasn't got the hang of it.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58That's a man using a computer to monitor
0:02:58 > 0:03:00the three remaining coins in the economy.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04This is the G8 Summit
0:03:04 > 0:03:08and Greece's attempts to "Klingon" to the euro.
0:03:08 > 0:03:13GROANS AND APPLAUSE
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Can I just say, what a joy and what a surreal experience it is
0:03:16 > 0:03:17having you on this show.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:21 > 0:03:22May I say
0:03:22 > 0:03:24it's an out-of-body experience for me too.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29How did the, er...
0:03:30 > 0:03:33How did the Head of the International Institute of Finance
0:03:33 > 0:03:34describe the state of Europe?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- It's a catastrophe. - It's a eurozone meltdown,
0:03:37 > 0:03:39which sounds like a gay nightclub.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42It was somewhere between...
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Your Sunday Times newspaper painted the worse case scenario.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52It's not ours!
0:03:52 > 0:03:55It belongs to Mr Murdoch, he's yours. He's an American.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58THIS Sunday Times newspaper
0:03:58 > 0:04:01painted the worse-case scenario in the event of the Greeks
0:04:01 > 0:04:03crashing out of the euro.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Can you describe it to me?
0:04:05 > 0:04:08There's a run on the banks, in Greece. Then we're exposed to that
0:04:08 > 0:04:10then all the other countries fail.
0:04:10 > 0:04:15Then giant rats roam the streets throughout the whole of Europe.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19We're invaded by aliens. There's only one man to call on.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:23 > 0:04:24They said:
0:04:36 > 0:04:37But on the other hand...
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Don't worry, David Cameron's got it all under control.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- It's his ship now. - Yes, it's his ship
0:04:46 > 0:04:49but not with a P.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Would you like to see the G8 leaders adopting a tough stance?
0:04:54 > 0:04:56- Yes.- Yes, please.- Here they are!
0:04:58 > 0:05:01There's ten of them. They can't even count.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:06 > 0:05:08They did come to an agreement, though.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10They've agreed to do nothing.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Didn't they agree to buy the man at the end a new jumper?
0:05:16 > 0:05:19ANDY: That's just somebody's dad. He's wandered in.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22What did the French President do wrong at the G8 Summit,
0:05:22 > 0:05:24according to the Telegraph?
0:05:24 > 0:05:26According to the Telegraph? Well, he's French.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Apparently, Francois Hollande...
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Here they are at dinner with no ties.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42You can see how Camp David is relaxed and peaceful
0:05:42 > 0:05:46and the others are enjoying themselves too.
0:05:48 > 0:05:54Medvedev's choice of an ice breaker joke, with Angela Merkel is...
0:05:54 > 0:05:57That looks like a Nazi salute.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00The left hand's coming up to do that.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02"Do you remember him? Do you remember him, love?
0:06:02 > 0:06:06- "Do you remember him?" - Where was the real talking done?
0:06:06 > 0:06:10Going to the gym. Didn't Obama and Cameron go to the gym together?
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- CHARLIE: On a treadmill. - On a treadmill, was it?
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- Early in the morning.- Going nowhere, what a wonderful metaphor!
0:06:15 > 0:06:18It was on a running machine early in the morning after the dinner.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Cameron and Obama went to the gym together
0:06:21 > 0:06:22and according to the Observer:
0:06:34 > 0:06:37I kind of imagine that when Obama knocked on Cameron's cabin door,
0:06:37 > 0:06:41Cameron opened it... in a short bathrobe,
0:06:41 > 0:06:45his legs shiny with oil...
0:06:46 > 0:06:48..and the muscles of his thighs...
0:06:48 > 0:06:50That's what you'd do, isn't it?
0:06:51 > 0:06:55You can see why Obama's going for the gay marriage vote.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59Or why he has an affinity towards Merkel.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01AUDIENCE: Oooh!
0:07:01 > 0:07:04I'm sorry, these things will be cut out as we go along.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08How has this casual approach...
0:07:08 > 0:07:10You haven't seen this show, have you?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13That's true, and luckily, I may add.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19How has this casual approach damaged David Cameron?
0:07:19 > 0:07:23He is accused of chillaxing too much.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Chillaxing is a horrible word.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28It's a combination of chilling out and relaxing.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Anyone who combines words like that is just a funt.
0:07:32 > 0:07:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:37 > 0:07:39You're right, he was chillaxing.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43He cooks, he drinks wine, he watches DVDs with his wife.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45- AMERICAN PRONUNCIATION: - Plays snooker,
0:07:45 > 0:07:47- has his own karaoke machine.- Plays what?
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Snooker. It's another blend word.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- Snoozing with... - With a bit of nookie!
0:07:53 > 0:07:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:57 > 0:08:00You play it with something long and balls.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03You chalk the tip as well.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07I don't see the problem with Cameron relaxing.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10This thing about he watches films on DVD.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12If he's watching a film on DVD,
0:08:12 > 0:08:15that's an hour-and-a-half where he can't be doing any damage.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Can you name some of his favourite pieces of relaxation technology?
0:08:21 > 0:08:26He's addicted to playing a video game called Fruit Ninja.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30There are video games he could play where he learns to run a country
0:08:30 > 0:08:33or oversee the infrastructure of a small city but, no,
0:08:33 > 0:08:35he's swiping at revolving fruit.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38That serves no purpose. Britain has never and will never
0:08:38 > 0:08:41come under attack from revolving fruit.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Until it does, he's wasting his time.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47What other leisure activities were available at Camp David?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49- Watching the football.- Yeah.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53Here they are watching the first shoot-out
0:08:53 > 0:08:56that Obama watched live on TV.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Of course, this is not the first. There was another shoot-out.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:02 > 0:09:05David Cameron had plenty of other things to worry about.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09What just emerged from the Leveson Inquiry about the BSkyB bid?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12This is a memo to Cameron from Jeremy Hunt.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16Mr Hunt was meant to be an impartial judge about whether Mr Murdoch,
0:09:16 > 0:09:18who owns YOUR Sunday Times,
0:09:18 > 0:09:22should be allowed to own anything else over here.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Mr Hunt appeared to have already made up his mind, extraordinarily.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Well, what is being done about it?
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Well, phasers set to stun, I think.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Why has Jeremy Hunt got the haircut of an 11-year-old boy?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38It's true. He's got that duckling tuft thing.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41- Duckling Tuft?- Yeah. - One of the finest
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Shakespearean actors this country ever produced?
0:09:44 > 0:09:47- You saw Duckling Tuft in his prime. - He played Hamlet.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50- He lost but he...- He became Sir Duckling Tuft.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54On the subject of the Champions League Final,
0:09:54 > 0:09:57did anyone notice what the Chelsea captain, John Terry, did
0:09:57 > 0:09:59after the final whistle?
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Yes. He got into his kit, didn't he? He celebrated with everyone else.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05He'd been suspended and he got into his kit. To be fair, he's used to
0:10:05 > 0:10:07getting changed very quickly.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Usually, when he hears a key in the front door.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- "Honey, I'm home."- Exactly.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17No, he took credit for something he hadn't done.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Many people thought John Terry was intruding on
0:10:19 > 0:10:21somebody else's great moment
0:10:21 > 0:10:24and some people on the internet did this.
0:10:24 > 0:10:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:35 > 0:10:38This is the G8 meeting of world leaders.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41In a recent speech, the former Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, declared:
0:10:55 > 0:10:57That's what you need in a crisis.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01A mad Scotsman shouting, "We cannot take it any longer, captain!"
0:11:01 > 0:11:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:04 > 0:11:05Paul and Andy, take a look at this.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08All right. This is the Olympic Flame.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10The beginning of the Olympic Games.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13The plane's been dipped in a special bowl of Olympic custard.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- He's been to Ratners. - He's been to Ratners.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19This is the eternal flame that keeps going out.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21I don't know if it's actually alight there or not.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23The Olympics are coming to London.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26They've kept it secret, but now we can actually tell people.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29That's a very festive attack by Al-Qaeda.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34How did the Olympic Flame arrive on British soil?
0:11:34 > 0:11:36It was flown in that plane, which Boris described as
0:11:36 > 0:11:38a custard-coloured comet,
0:11:38 > 0:11:41streaking through the sky to bring Promethean fire
0:11:41 > 0:11:44from the Greek homeland to London.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47You think I'm making it up. That's exactly what he said.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49It goes out a lot, this flame.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52- It does...- Then they take it back to the Mother Flame.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Every time it goes out, it's like they think we're all children.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59"Oh, there's this sacred Mother Flame that we keep in the van."
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- They go and relight it. - It flew from Greece...
0:12:02 > 0:12:04The Mother Flame, isn't that the sun?
0:12:04 > 0:12:08They should erect a scaffold to the sun, that would be impressive.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12A long piece of folded newspaper, just to get a light of it.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14So it arrived in the golden plane, as you said,
0:12:14 > 0:12:18then on to Cornwall in a Sea King search and rescue helicopter.
0:12:18 > 0:12:24Let's see how the waiting crowd enjoyed the historic moment
0:12:24 > 0:12:26when that helicopter arrived.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30REPORTER: Its arrival was perfectly choreographed and hard to miss.
0:12:30 > 0:12:35LAUGHTER
0:12:36 > 0:12:40- What is the relay a chance to show the world?- That we are British.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Yes. And we understand about fire.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Yeah, we understand the sacred flame of gorgeous goodness!
0:12:46 > 0:12:50It is a chance to showcase some of Britain's most beautiful landmarks.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52According to the Daily Mirror:
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Eh, er...Di-dier, uh...Drogba...
0:12:57 > 0:13:00- Do you have any idea what any of these words mean?- Didier!
0:13:00 > 0:13:04Why doesn't he change his name?
0:13:04 > 0:13:07..carried the torch through Swindon town centre.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11And which unsung community hero carried the torch through Taunton?
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- Oh, I know that. - You know that? In Somerset.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17These torches were meant to be carried by local people
0:13:17 > 0:13:19to show the community spirit.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22And in Taunton it was Will.I.Am.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Will.I.Am from the Black Eyed Peas,
0:13:25 > 0:13:28here he is telling the BBC
0:13:28 > 0:13:33how important an experience it was to him.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37So, yeah, this is like... it feels like a dream.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Something that you always saw on TV growing up,
0:13:41 > 0:13:45so to be here today in the UK,
0:13:45 > 0:13:49with all the hard work it took me to get to this level,
0:13:49 > 0:13:51to be able to do that,
0:13:51 > 0:13:55following, pursuing my dreams, and, you know...
0:13:55 > 0:13:59and now I am here in the UK running the torch, it is great.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04He said, "I grew up watching this as a kid."
0:14:04 > 0:14:07I never remember ever seeing the torch being run.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10It wasn't on every day, was it? Like Star Trek!
0:14:12 > 0:14:16You know, I watched that with my dinner on my lap every evening,
0:14:16 > 0:14:17but not...you know, I had a plate!
0:14:17 > 0:14:23- You weren't just throwing up? - No!- "Star Trek? Eurgh!"
0:14:26 > 0:14:29"Quick, chuck something at the screen!"
0:14:29 > 0:14:33What have some of the relay runners been criticised for doing?
0:14:33 > 0:14:38As soon as you've walked your five metres as part of the spectacle,
0:14:38 > 0:14:40you sell it on eBay.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43They've come in for criticism for selling the torches on eBay.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Andrew Bell, who ran a leg of the journey in Cornwall,
0:14:46 > 0:14:48removed his eBay advertisement
0:14:48 > 0:14:51after messages of complaint were posted on the website
0:14:51 > 0:14:53but he explained:
0:15:09 > 0:15:12What caused confusion in Truro?
0:15:12 > 0:15:16They're Cornish, they'll always be confused in Truro.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19- I'm going to Truro on Sunday for a gig.- Are you? Good luck, Paul!
0:15:19 > 0:15:21No, I'm dissociating myself from everything you say.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25You told me to say that before we came on, you know that.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Well, crowds lining the streets in the Cornish town
0:15:31 > 0:15:34saw someone running down the high street and got ready to cheer
0:15:34 > 0:15:36as the torch-bearer came past.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39According to the Daily Mail, however:
0:15:51 > 0:15:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Meanwhile, according to the Daily Telegraph,
0:15:57 > 0:15:59thousands of people lining the streets
0:15:59 > 0:16:02have given the relay a carnival feel. For example:
0:16:09 > 0:16:12You Brits really know how to put on a show(!)
0:16:15 > 0:16:17You wait until you see our opening ceremony!
0:16:19 > 0:16:24- There will be hundreds of chips. Dancing chips.- Six or seven cod.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Boris in a giant cod costume.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30This is the Olympic torch,
0:16:30 > 0:16:33which is boldly going where no Olympic torch has gone before.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35GROANS
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Namely... Yes, I agree with you.
0:16:37 > 0:16:42Namely, Truro and Ilfraco-o-o-ombe.
0:16:44 > 0:16:45It sounds deeply sexual.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49- Kind of like a cigar advert.- Have you been to Ilfracombe?- I have.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53The place is laced with prostitution.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59That's their new slogan now!
0:17:01 > 0:17:03"Come and get laid in Ilfracombe!"
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Will.I.Am carried the torch through Taunton...
0:17:09 > 0:17:11..and thousands lined the streets
0:17:11 > 0:17:13to witness this once-in-a-lifetime sight.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Oh, my God, a black guy in the West Country.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22That's not racist, I'm the guy who kissed Uhura.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28- Now we're in round two. Yes! - CHEERING
0:17:28 > 0:17:33And I'm going to give you musical clues.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37This is from my latest album, which I take it you've heard.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:39 > 0:17:43OK, see, I appeal to the masses, not to the intelligentsia.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47OK, here we go.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49"ROCKET MAN" BACKING TRACK PLAYS
0:17:49 > 0:17:52And I think it's going to be a long, long time
0:17:54 > 0:17:59Till touchdown brings me round again to find
0:17:59 > 0:18:05That I'm not the man they thought I am...at home
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Oh, no, no, no, no
0:18:10 > 0:18:12I'm a rocket man.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Anybody?
0:18:14 > 0:18:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:19 > 0:18:21I'm just overwhelmed by this!
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Anybody got an idea?
0:18:23 > 0:18:26There is a rocket, which is a commercial rocket
0:18:26 > 0:18:30that's been launched, and on it are the remains of your co-star.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33- Yes, it is.- I read that in the Telegraph, and thought,
0:18:33 > 0:18:36how fitting and appropriate, Scotty's ashes going to space.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38And I turned the page and there was a report
0:18:38 > 0:18:42that the man who invented the TV remote control had died.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44I thought, what they should do with his ashes
0:18:44 > 0:18:48is put them somewhere where you can never find them.
0:18:49 > 0:18:54Or with lots of urns that look very similar.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56"Actually, that urn."
0:19:00 > 0:19:01This is the news
0:19:01 > 0:19:04that an exciting new era of commercial space travel has begun
0:19:04 > 0:19:06with the successful launch of the Dragon.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Shall we have a look at how this thrilling new dawn began?
0:19:09 > 0:19:15Five, four, three, two, one, zero...
0:19:15 > 0:19:18and liftoff.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22We have a cutout.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Liftoff did not occur.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- What was the problem blamed on? - Romulans.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34It was expecting the universe to rush towards us.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37They were computer problems based on gremlins.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41The launch heralded in a new era of privately funded space travel.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43According to the Times,
0:19:43 > 0:19:46when a spokesman was asked:
0:19:48 > 0:19:49..he replied:
0:19:55 > 0:19:57OK, another musical clue for you.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00CANADIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYS
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Oh, Canada
0:20:03 > 0:20:05I stand on guard for thee
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Oh, Canada
0:20:08 > 0:20:14We stand on guard...for...thee.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:22 > 0:20:27Are you reminded of any Canada-related news stories?
0:20:27 > 0:20:29That old joke about Dean Martin, who saw a sign that said,
0:20:29 > 0:20:32"Drink Canada Dry", so he went there and did.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38This is the news that a nude painting
0:20:38 > 0:20:42of the Prime Minister of Canada has been sold.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Here it is. It's entitled Emperor Haute Couture.
0:20:45 > 0:20:50Yes. I must say the painting looks well hung.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Has that dog been fed?
0:20:55 > 0:20:58I'd be nervous.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00In other art-related news,
0:21:00 > 0:21:03what can you see at a new art exhibition in London?
0:21:03 > 0:21:07There's an invisible pillar. The artwork is not there.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- To make you think what MIGHT be. - Why is it not here?
0:21:10 > 0:21:12- In a sense, it IS here.- Hmm.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13ANDY: I can see it.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18But you're on special medication.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20The Hayward Gallery is gathering together
0:21:20 > 0:21:2250 invisible works by famous artists for display.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Shall we have a look at a couple?
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Ah, yes, well, these are twin pieces.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31The first one is A White Persian Cat In Snowstorm.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34The other one is...
0:21:34 > 0:21:35Lib Dem Manifesto.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:40 > 0:21:44The painting of the Prime Minister's naked penis can be
0:21:44 > 0:21:47seen on a wall in a public library,
0:21:47 > 0:21:49hanging between two Pollocks.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56In London,
0:21:56 > 0:21:58a exhibition of invisible artworks will open to the public in June.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59According to The Times...
0:22:02 > 0:22:05So the one thing they can see...
0:22:05 > 0:22:07is you coming.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13A final musical clue for you now.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17MUSIC: "God Save The Queen" by the Sex Pistols
0:22:19 > 0:22:23God save the Queen
0:22:23 > 0:22:25The fascist regime
0:22:26 > 0:22:28They made you a moron
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Potential H-bomb.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Anybody got any ideas?
0:22:34 > 0:22:38Other than throwing me out!
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Is it the Rite Of Spring by Stravinsky?
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Well, this is news that three pensioners were evicted from
0:22:47 > 0:22:51a royal-themed tearoom for refusing to stand up
0:22:51 > 0:22:53- during the National Anthem. - Oh, yes.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56- Who owns the tearoom? - A mad lady.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Is it Princess Margaret?
0:22:59 > 0:23:01It's Anita Atkinson,
0:23:01 > 0:23:04whose personal views on the monarchy are a little unclear.
0:23:07 > 0:23:093pm every day...
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Oh, that's nice and respectful(!)
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Is there anything else about the tearoom that the ejected
0:23:22 > 0:23:25pensioneers disliked, apart from the National...?
0:23:25 > 0:23:26"Pensioneers"? That's a good word.
0:23:26 > 0:23:31- That makes them sound more get up and go.- There's four of them...
0:23:32 > 0:23:37- But it has such a common sound.- No, I love it.- And you want pensioneers!
0:23:37 > 0:23:39- Like pioneers.- Pioneers, exactly.
0:23:39 > 0:23:44- People who go out and get those... - And rest.- ..winter fuel allowances.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48And say, "One for all and all for...
0:23:48 > 0:23:50"Sorry, I've forgotten what I came in here for."
0:23:52 > 0:23:55You people are messed up!
0:23:55 > 0:23:58And I say that coming from a country that brought you
0:23:58 > 0:24:02the sandwich in a can and a TV channel for dogs.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Time now for the missing words round, and we start with:
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Leader performs badly.
0:24:20 > 0:24:25William Hague's father recently clambered onto a flying aircraft,
0:24:25 > 0:24:27completed long hikes, climbed mountains,
0:24:27 > 0:24:29and he still can't shake off the bastard.
0:24:34 > 0:24:40"Will you get away from me, son? Let me die in peace!"
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Next:
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Tortoise to harangue the nation.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52ANDY: Britain's rudest Royal to tell nation to stick Jubilee up its arse.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01This is the closure of Palfrey and Kemp,
0:25:01 > 0:25:06a shop in Leamington whose owners, Terry Palfrey and Geoff Kemp,
0:25:06 > 0:25:09were described by the Independent as being...
0:25:11 > 0:25:13And soon there will be a sign on the door that says,
0:25:13 > 0:25:15"(BLEEP) off, we're closed!"
0:25:16 > 0:25:18That is rude.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22I never thought I'd hear Captain Kirk say that.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26What about TJ Hooker? He was meant to be a policeman!
0:25:26 > 0:25:27Next:
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Regained India.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45But only because she had run out of stamps,
0:25:45 > 0:25:48so she had to slam her head against the envelope.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54Is that the funniest thing you've ever heard?
0:25:54 > 0:25:57BANG! Mail this!
0:25:59 > 0:26:04And so, the final scores are,
0:26:04 > 0:26:08- Ian and Charlie have four... - No, they don't.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10LAUGHTER
0:26:12 > 0:26:15- It's the other way round. - Ian and Charlie have six.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18- It's not important! - It's not accurate!
0:26:18 > 0:26:22- And Paul and Andy have seven. - Seven! Hooray!
0:26:22 > 0:26:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:29 > 0:26:33On which note we say thank you to our panellists,
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Ian Hislop and Charlie Brooker,
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Paul Morton and Andy Hamilton...
0:26:38 > 0:26:40- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - What have I done?
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Should I be here? Shall I go?
0:26:45 > 0:26:49- Paul MERTON.- Oh, I'm back!
0:26:49 > 0:26:53On which note we say thank you to our panellists,
0:26:53 > 0:26:54Ian Hilsop and Charlie Brooker...
0:26:56 > 0:27:00On which note we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop
0:27:00 > 0:27:04and Charlie Brooker, and Paul Merton and Andy Hamilton.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:11 > 0:27:15And I leave you with the news that at the G8 summit,
0:27:15 > 0:27:20the decision on whether Germany should fund the euro bailout
0:27:20 > 0:27:21goes to a show of hands.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Day one of his Australian outback holiday,
0:27:28 > 0:27:30and it's the same old story for George Michael.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36And at the Institute of Contemporary Dance,
0:27:36 > 0:27:41rehearsals are under way for its carefully choreographed new work,
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Clegg and Cameron, The Coalition.
0:27:49 > 0:27:50Good night.
0:28:19 > 0:28:20Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:25 > 0:28:28I don't know the rules of this game, so isn't it theirs?
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Although there are opposing teams,
0:28:30 > 0:28:32I sort of feel there's a spirit of humanity
0:28:32 > 0:28:34that somehow we can reach across and make friends.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37Was there any television series you were ever involved in
0:28:37 > 0:28:38that gave that idea that civilisation...?
0:28:38 > 0:28:41The whole thing is competition! You should be at each other's throats!
0:28:41 > 0:28:44We're under attack, captain!
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Co-ordinate, co-ordinate. Let's go this way.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52That's it, that's it, that's it.